Not quite. According to Page Six — which is never, ever wrong about sports personalities — Benitez is moving out of their mansion because Seikaly is "partying too hard." We can just assume, for the sake of our fantasies, that this is a ruse, and Benitez is just frightened of pounds of chest hair.

Remember Rony Seikaly? [Fox Sports]
Elsa Benitez [Official Site]

The Piazza Is Gay rumor is as old as his mustache was once long, including the famous "I like to do it with chicks" Piazza press conference a few years ago. This isn't even the first time we've heard the Sam Champion rumor: In 2002, an email circulated that Champion had filed domestic abuse charges against Piazza. We never believe any of it anymore, because there has just been so much. We're gonna have to see Piazza getting a reach-around from Tom Seaver before we are convinced ... and probably not even then.

Todd Zeile, however ...

Piazza-Champion Love Nest [Gawker]
Piazza Beats Champion [Google Groups]

Needlepoint For Men [Flickr]
Rosey Grier's Needlepoint For Men [Amazon]

Which brings up an interesting question: Will Comedy Central be more successful at sports than ESPN has been at comedy? You'd think they'd have to be, right?

Only Has To Be Funny [JS Online] (last item)

"I've Heard He's Big" [Boston Herald]
Kemp On The Rebound [Seattle Times]
Reignman [Official Site]

BenMaller.com TV sports mole asks... Is it true? Which sexy TV sports reporter has been suspended and could be fired for having an affair with a star pitcher on a team she was assigned to covers?

Any guesses? We're going to assume "Gary Miller" is the wrong answer.

Is It True? [Ben Maller]

Robinson Doesn't Know When To Say When [Tacoma News Tribune]

The reason? Jock straps really don't do anything. And, even more shocking, many professionals aren't wearing cups either.

"The majority of players feel that less is more, especially padding below the torso," [Giants equipment manager Joe Skiba] explained via e-mail. "They feel that it hinders their speed and performance."

Funny: It doesn't seem to effect players' sperm counts that much: They're still procreating like freaking crazy.

Where Have All The Jockstraps Gone? [Slate]

Anyway, he's a little flashier than we thought: His new girlfriend is Fox Sports correspondent and former Playmate Lisa Dergan. We're not into gossip all that much — no! — but let's just say we doubt Dergan was banging down Podsednik's door four years ago, when he was batting .249 for the Texas League's Tulsa Drillers. It's good to be in the major leagues.

Lisa Dergan [Official Site]

Apparently, last year, in the playoffs, Schilling's robo baseball wife Shonda made "rally scarves" for all the players' wives; responding in robo baseball wife kind, they all wore them. Except for Michelle Damon, who thought they were kind of lame, fancy that. That set off a chasm between the two women that apparently has yet to be bridges. Says a Red Sox robo baseball wife source: "Johnny's bad-mouthing is coming from Michelle's influence," said Someone Who Knows. "Curt doesn't really want to get involved but he's not faulting Shonda for feeling bad or being mad." We love the idea of players' wives fighting, though we always figured it would be less about scarves, more about which of their husbands' road mistresses were more attractive.

Scarves Of Destiny Still Haunt Sox [Boston Herald]
No Relief For Schilling [Boston Globe]

Simpson is not pressing charges. He can take care of this one himself.

O.J. Caught Up In Brawl With Ex [Contact Music]
O.J. Simpson Admits Murder [Kaos2000]

If you missed it, the three players are charged with assault and accused of beating up a male stripper in April 2003. Prosecutors say the players jumped out of a cab and attacked Adrian Cimpean — which is totally the name we'd imagine for a Toronto stripper, by the way — as he left a club with his fiancee. Cimpean, who says he is too emotionally distraught to strip since (we know how he feels), claims that the players called him the n-word during the beating, even though Cassell, Payton and Caffey are black and Cimpean is not. The trial is supposed to last all week; Raptors general manager Rob Babcock is expected to trade for Cimpean, pending a plea agreement.

Assault Accuser Ready To Sue [Toronto Star]

We always found Tadano's explanation for his role amusing; it was of the "I needed the money, and so you know, other than that, I'm totally not into dudes at all, totally" variety. He'll know ply his trade in Buffalo and try to make it back in the bigs.

Tadano Sent Down [Transaction Guy]
Porn Star Baseball Player Part 3 [Gay Porn Blog] (not safe for work)
Tadano Apologizes For Gay Porn Film [ESPN]

Poster One:

here's a question for you ladies...why do professional athletes give groupies money and gifts? i was talking this one girl and she gets so much shit from different men. i would think these guys — with their fame and status — can get any woman for free!!!

And Poster Two's response:

U have to pay to play. There's has to be an incentive for the groupie to deal with the athlete and take all his BS, money is usually the incentive, but there are so many different types of groupies, there are those they do it for the sake of saying they screwd so and so and don't get a thing and there are those who make a living out of it....just depends.

And that should settle it.

NFL Wives Club [Yahoo Groups]

Minnesota Vikings cornerback Terrance Shaw:
He never says he's married. He had a girl here in the bay head over hills in love and then she found out about the wifey back in Texas. His wife never lives with him in the city he plays for. He's also cousins with ex Laker Brian Shaw. Terrance is a very sad case he will run game till there's no tomorrow and seriously have you thinking you're the one.

Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Reggie Brown:
First Poster: One of my co-workers is Neveah's grandfather, his daughter is Reggie Brown's baby mama. Reggie has a girlfriend that has moved with him to Philly. Now that child support has come into play he wants paternity test and to my understanding hasn't looked out for baby girl since he got his first check, that's what grandpa told me.

Second Poster: My little cousin went to UGA with him. I was at her house and she was talking to Tyson Browning (he plays for UGA too..He's a senior this year) and Reggie, Tyson, and this other dude, Mario or soem shit like that was over there. She told me that Reggie will swear up and down that aint his baby if he gets mad at baby mama. lol. I said ol dog. That's a shame. He too young to start off with that type of rep.

Third Poster: Got a little more info today. Reggie's girlfriend is white!

NFL Wives [Yahoo Group]

"Today we had our drug test, but was it supervised? No. I could have easily pissed for another guy. It was no different than last year except last year we had a guy there looking. This year there was nobody looking. I was like, 'Wow!'"

Interestingly enough, that guy last year, the one "looking?" Didn't even work there. Nobody knows how he got there. He was just watchin'.

Alicea Vents On Steroids [Lowell Sun]

I don't know what he (CliNton) prefers when it comes to groupies however, he likes to date attractive women, pretty, nice body, good sense of style, etc... He likes them thick too, "A bad bitch that's top of the line..cute face, slim waste, wit a big behind..." If your slim but have an exotic look, he'll go for that as well.

So you know. Application should NOT be sent to Gibbs, Joe, at Redskins Park in Hyatsville, Md.

NFL Wives [Yahoo Groups]

"I think I have lost a lot of my gay fans to Welsh rugby star Gavin Henson," Beckham said. "It is a shame as I really love them."

Imagine, say, Brett Favre saying this, or Rasheed Wallace, or (gasp) Ray Lewis saying something like that. The best part is how Beckham and Henson are compared by the British press. Beckham confesses to wearing his wife's underwear, while Henson sports a fake tan and shaves his legs. What is going on here? Just try and ask Ray Lewis if he shaves his legs sometimes. Go ahead. Let us know how that goes for you.

Beckham: Gav's Caught My Gays [ICWales]

At an arraignment yesterday, Grieco filed one charge of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon — a bat — against Taylor's co-defendant, Charles Elwood Caughman , 19, of Baltimore. Police have said that on June 1, Taylor drove his sports utility vehicle, with Caughman inside, and with several other friends trailing in another car, into a Miami neighborhood to settle a dispute over the NFL player's two stolen all-terrain vehicles.

According to police reports, Taylor got out of the car and pointed a gun at two people and demanded the return of his ATVs. No shots were fired but Taylor returned shortly thereafter with more friends, police said. The second time, Taylor hit one person with his fist during a scuffle, the report said, while Caughman chased the second victim with a bat.

Taylor could face up to three years in jail ... minimum. When Redskins coach Joe Gibbs sleeps at night, he dreams of cars going in circles ... and circles ... and circles ...

Redskins' Taylor Could Face Charges Today [Washington Post]

NFL Wives [Yahoo Groups]

Jeter Watch [Yankees Critic]

Kutcher is back in the game, according to the Philadelphia Daily News, "punking" Terrell Owens and Allen Iverson. Owens' segment, according to the story, "involves him being a Good Samaritan in an accident that turns ugly when a personal injury attorney shows up." Iverson's seems more fun: He keeps not being allowed by bouncers into his own party while people like Todd Bridges keep getting let in. And at least neither one of them were a little girl like A-Rod was.

Ashton Punks A.I., T.O. [Philly.com]

Portis — pictured above during a "guest spot" on America's Top Model; he was reportedly just "hanging around the set." Uh-huh — is earning a reputation as a rather prodiguous purveyor of fine ladies. Witness this recent post on the immeasurably great NFL Wives Yahoo Group.

Clinton Portis is sexy in person, it's amazing what money can do for a man looks because if you were to take away the diamonds and thousand dollar threads he would be ok in the looks department. I know for a fact he use to date Free however they still kick it but he has other girls. He has a couple of em in Houston some are trickling down in DC, he has some in MIA also. He is definately a party person and unlike some NFL ballers he is picky with his selection of groupies.

Gibbs last year complained that Portis wasn't "hitting the holes hard enough." The guy clearly has been away from the game too long and has no idea what he's talking about.

NFL Wives [Yahoo Groups]

According to The Wall Street Journal, fans don't know the half of it. The story details how most fines end up being settled behind the scenes, with agents often making sure the players pay any fine at all. This might seem like an outrage to some, but hey, at least the guy's they're giving the breaks to are good citizens.

Among the athletes who've enjoyed relief from a stiff fine: NBA guard Latrell Sprewell — who actually made money on a $25,000 penalty, because a corporate sponsor stepped in to pay it and the fine was later dropped by his team — and pitcher John Rocker, who ended up paying just $500 of the $20,000 penalty originally imposed by Major League Baseball for his remarks about minorities and homosexuals.

The story also highlights Trail Blazers forward Darius Miles, who was fined $150,000 for cursing at his coach in practice. Where's that money now? Sitting in an escrow account until the Trail Blazers decide how much they will actually collect. Being an athlete is so hard.

When Players Don't Pay [WSJ.com] (subscription required)

My bf plays for the Eagles... I over heard him on the phone with one of his teammates talking about a party. But when I asked him about it, he said there was no party... I heard him say June I believe, do you know what Eagle is having a bash and where.. I don't understand why he hiding this from me, we are married, but you never know brothas will test you??

Hey, Philadelphians ... don't forget our invite!

The site points out that the team is one of the more gay-friendly in all of sports, even offering its employees domestic partner benefits. (One employee has reportedly taken advantage of the benefits, but no, no, no, it wasn't — definitely not, no way — Jeff Garcia. Nope.)

49ers Deserve A Pass [Outsports.com]
49ers Training Video [San Francisco Chronicle] (VIDEO)

Highlights from the press conference:

People think four months isn't a long time, but day-to-day, that's a real long time. It's a lesson for kids out there: Be careful who you hang around with, because it can all come back to haunt you. I never knew a conspiracy could be that serious, that you could get in trouble just for talking to somebody. Lesson learned.

He doesn't appear to have any tattoos of "Cindy" or "Bottom" on his face, from what we can tell, so that's a start.

Lewis Released From Prison [Baltimore Sun]

"Most players today are pussies."

"I would love to have prostitutes in the game. I would hope that someone would send one to Quentin Sands. Wear his ass out."

"Oh boy, I should've used [the Whizzinator]. Are you kidding me? Believe me, they know when you're trying to cheat. I've tried everything."

"You got people grabbing nuts, trying to poke your eyes out. Anything under that huddle where the referees can't see is legal as far as we were concerned. It's like this game, everything is legal."

If you didn't say "Lawrence Taylor," well, you're an idiot.

Lawrence Taylor: Getting Blitzed [IGN.com]
Blitz: The League [IGN.com]

[All told, we won't lie: That game sounds REALLY fun.]

Lewis Released From Prison [Baltimore Sun]

Check out the jump for the full and flaming ad poster.

Blue Jays Gay Days [OutSports.com]
Gay Baseball Days [Outsports.com]

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco 49ers public relations director Kirk Reynolds has been fired after producing an in-house training video for the team that included nudity, expletives and some good old-fashioned homo humor. The fine folks at the chronicle even provide us with the video itself, even though you have to admit that you're 18, and therefore life has passed you by.

So we just watched it. Where do we start? How about with the two topless lesbians making out? Or the bucktoothed Asian man trying to pronounce "Rattay?" Maybe the blantant slander of San Francisco's mayor, who had allowed the team to film the video in his office? And the whole thing is shot in a style that would make a porn director feel like Tarantino.

It's pretty much non-stop hilarity, and we can't recommend you watch it enough. As for Reynolds — who, we must add, was just trying to make some valid points to his team, albeit in an otherwordly stupid fashion — he is "pursuing opportunities outside the team." Jenna Jameson, keep your cellphone on.

49ers Personal Foul [San Francisco Chronicle]
Watch The Video! [SFGate.com] (VIDEO)

That's right: Jessica Simpson's personal butt-boy, a Cincinnati native, penned a sports column for the Cincinnati Enquirer on Monday. How is it? Well, the story starts "As I stand in the recording studio in Los Angeles trying to finish my next album ..." Classy.

Apparently, Lachey, while hiding from Simpson's papers-in-hand divorce lawyer, has been keeping an eye on his hometown teams, and he's pissed, or as pissed as anyone in a boy band can really be. He's mostly furious about how Cincinnati Bearcats coach Bob Huggins and Reds closer Danny Graves have been treated by their respective organizations. And apparently he's as cuckolded talking about sports as he is everything else.

I find myself questioning some of those loyalties because of the recent developments involving the Reds and Bearcats. I've tried to complain to Jessica about it, but she doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about, so I've written this to assuage my frustration.

Nick Lachey: A Fan's Outrage [Cincinnati Enquirer]

The wonderful human beings at BadJocks.com have gotten a hold of a complaint against Salley filed last Friday by an ex-girlfriend. According to the lawsuit, when the woman tried to break up with Salley, he stayed outsider her apartment until 5 a.m. on Valentine's Day of this year, pounding on the door. And the suit even says that he told her, "You don't know what you do to me. I actually saw myself killing you and how I did it." A few days later, according to the report, he assaulted her.

No word yet from Salley yet. He is scheduled to be on the show tonight with guests Hulk Hogan and Ice Cube. (They were also not available for comment.)

John Salley Lawsuit [Badjocks.com]
Best Damn Sports Show Period [Fox Sports]

and ...

Evander Holyfield.

Who says boxers lose their dignity when they get old?

Dancing With The Stars [ABC.com]

[By the way, the guy in that photo with Evander is "Retro Bill, The Official DARE Safety Buddy." If that guy can't stop kids from taking drugs, no one can.]

"I always hit well [in Atlanta]," said Lieberthal, who is hitting .342 with the bases empty, but just .145 with runners on base. "I just feel good and sexy when I get in the box here."

For the record, this is the first time anyone has ever said the words "sexy" and "Atlanta" in the same sentence. (No, not Jane Fonda either.)

Lieberthal A Hit In Atlanta [Delaware County Times]

Anyway, the Dartmouth lacrosse goalie who came out to ESPN's Greg Garber — odd choice, if you ask us — claims this brings us one step closer to a mainstream gay athlete, which seems patently ridiculous. ("Hey, if a butterfly collector from Vermont can come out, my agent will be TOTALLY fine with losing that Nike contract!") The story does have one news peg: An confession from Out editor Brendon Lemon that he is no longer seeing the athlete he once claimed to be dating. They're "still friends."

"Now I Get To Be Like Everybody Else [ESPN.com]
"It's a Tough Step To Take By Yourself [ESPN.com]

According to a Coral Gables police report, Collazo dropped his pants, took out his penis and accused his players of not having the testicular fortitude it takes to play baseball after a loss to Florida Christian on April 7.

"He then," according to a Coral Gables police report, "pointed to his penis, testicles and asked the team if they had a set of these or were they equipped with a vagina."

Funny: This is how Brian Boitano's coaches used to inspire him too.

Prep Coach Callazo Resigns [Miami Herald]

Lewis Model Inmate [Carroll County Times]

A.I. wants to make out with his coach: Oft-maligned 76er Allen Iverson finally got the head coach he wanted: former Sixer star and assistant coach Maurice Cheeks. In fact, "The Answer" was so happy with the selection of Cheeks that he wanted to get a little jiggy with him.

"Bringing in Mo was icing on the cake," Iverson said at a press conference Tuesday. "I didn't want to do it in front of all the cameras, but I wanted to take him in the back and kiss him on the mouth."

Jock Talk [OutSports.com]

"I know David's hurting," Jason Phillips said. "He's going to miss Joe. It's the right move for Joe. They both know that, but they're emotionally attached. It's like a divorce. There's going to be a period of adjustment. And it won't be short because it's not an everyday thing.

"You know, you get back from the park, you're go upstairs and you say, 'We'll meet in the lobby.' Now there's no one to do that for David. I remember reading that [former Dolphins coach] Don Shula used to go for a walk every night with his wife. Every night. Then she died, and he had to walk alone. It doesn't matter how old you are, it's hard."

Well, we're proud to report, Gritty Joe hasn't forgotten Wright just because he lives in mighty KC now. The New York Daily News reports that McEwing spent last Monday night alone in his hotel room — ahem — watching Wright play, calling him for more "mentoring" afterwards. We imagine Gritty Joe watching the game, slowly flicking the hotel light on ... and off ... and on ... and off ...

Gritty Joe is not gonna just be ignored.

Wright Backs Ump [New York Daily News]
Utility Company [East Coast Agony]
McEwing's Release Hits Wright Hard [MLB.com]