Sorry, Marlins fans. You'll have to do a lot better to approach the modern Major League record of ... 23.

On September 8, 1916, the New York Yankees came to Philadelphia to play the hapless Athletics. The fans sitting in Shibe Park for the rain-delayed game were outnumbered by the men in uniform. In fact, when the Yankees were at bat, they had more players on the bench than fans in the seats. After an 8-2 win over the Yankees, for the only time in major league history, a team was two games back for every fan in attendance. 46 games back of the first place Red Sox and an announced attendance of 23.

Post Script: The 23 brave fans saw another record that day. Philadelphia outfielder Wally Schang, a switch-hitter was the first major leaguer to hit home runs in consecutive at bats from different sides of the plate.

Actually, the Marlins claim that they sold 11,211 tickets for the game; it's just that most decided not to show up as game-time temperatures hit 90 degrees. "I got enough worries about 30 guys on the field,'' Marlins manager Fredi Gonzalez said. "It doesn't seem to bother our guys. They go out and play hard.'' Hanley Ramirez homered and doubled to lead the Marlins past the Braves 5-3. Jeremy Hermida had two hits and an RBI.

"The fans that did come out that's who we play for,'' Nelson said. "I know a lot of people watch us at home, and I do understand, it's hot out here. It's a difficult situation to sit for nine innings.'' Braves manager Bobby Cox extended his major league ejection record to 143, getting tossed in the fifth inning for arguing balls and strikes.

Florida trails the first-place Mets in the East by eight games, a fact that their fan base obviously finds too depressing to face. Come on people, it's the Mets. Do you not remember last year?

Marlins 5, Braves 3 [NBCSports]

There's no way we're not seeing that cow in our nightmares. We had no idea he was so ... tall.

We assume, fellow Chick-Fil-A fans, that the cow takes Sunday off.

The Tomahawk Chopping Cow [UmpBump]

And I mean everything. Don't believe me? let's go through the ways. He's hitting for power, hitting for average, hitting lefties, hitting righties, hitting to all fields, hitting fastballs, hitting breaking balls, hitting sideways and slantways and longways and backways and frontways and squareways and any other ways you can think of, including hitting Pat Benatar with his best shot. He's doing it all. But can he hit his own eyesocket on a batting practice foul tip that ricochets off the tippy-top of the batting cage?

The answer, you might have guessed by now, is "probably not." But rounding up (truncating is for communists and unintelligent Initech layoffs), that's exactly what happened Friday before the Atlanta Braves game against the Angels of Los Anaheimos. Said hitting coach Terry Pendleton, "It squared him up for sure." Told ya he can hit it squareways.

Chipper's batting average coming into his optic mishap was a crisp .414. This injury could hurt his chances to hit .400 ... or if the injury's really bad, then technically it helped the cause.

In other Braves injury news:

• John Smoltz just had shoulder surgery, perhaps of the season-ending genre. No word if he'll come back as a middle reliever in an attempt to become the first 200-win 150-save 100-hold pitcher in history.

• Tom Glavine left Thursday's game with a sore elbow, and he didn't even bang it into the desk like the rest of us.

• Jair Jurrjens, off to a great start this year, sprained his ankle walking down the dugout steps. He was clearly preoccupied, wishing he was back in Detroit (make it happen, Schuerholz).

• Mark Kotsay threw out his back when he finally, finally got a Scrabble hand where he was able to spell out his own name.

• Mike Hampton (Killed in Vietnam by his own troops)

Chipper Hit In Face Taking Batting Practice [MLB.com]
Next For Braves: Swarm Of Locusts? [AJC Braves Blog]

"Honestly it's a shame that I've got to go out and hit .400 for two months to make an All-Star team," Jones told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "It's kind of depressing to me because I've had — to me — what I think are some pretty good first halves, what I think is a pretty good career, and I haven't made an All-Star team since '01. ... But I'll take it. Got to make a splash to get people's attention? Got to make a splash."

Mr. Jones is used to being the second choice. The franchise wanted to draft Todd Van Poppel in the worst way in the 1990 amateur draft, but Van Poppel refused to play in Atlanta, so went with Jones as Plan B. All they got in return was an infielder who trails only Mickey Mantle and Eddie Murray on the all-time switch hitters career home run list. Van Poppel of course went on to become part owner of the Denton Outlaws, where my strong suspicion is that he inhabits this costume.

It's nice to see someone chase a hallowed milestone non-chemically, although Jones has a long way to go. The player to take .400 the farthest since Ted Williams did it was George Brett, who was at .400 on Sept. 19, 1980. Sports Illustrated has a rundown of serious assaults on .400 here, and Dugout Central examines the subject via Williams' book, The Science of Hitting, here.

On Thursday, Mark Teixeira had a homer and four RBI and Jorge Campillo, who was playing for the Culiacan Tomato Growers in 2004 (where he still plays Winter League ball), earned the win and got his first major league hit, a single.

• Record Heat. Randy (No Lawn Trespassing) Johnson fanned nine to tie Roger Clemens for second place on the all-time strikeout list, but what's more amazing is that the Giants swept the three-game series from the Diamondbacks. Randy Winn’s homer in the ninth provided a 4-3 victory. Johnson passed Clemens last year, as you may recall, but got injured, with Clemens then retaking second place.

• The Cult Of Jesse Litsch. Jesse Litsch won his fifth straight decision and extended his scoreless streak to 16 innings, and Rod Barajas had three doubles and three RBI to lead the Jays of Blue over the Athletics, 12-0.

• Simply The Best. Yes, these are the home fans of the best team in baseball. Nice going, God! Alfonso Soriano had a two-run single as the Cubs won their fourth straight, 8-4 over the Rockies, to put their record at 33-21, best in the majors.

• X Games. Jason Bay and Xavier Nady homered to lead the Pirates to a 7-2 win over the Reds, ending Cincinnati's home winning streak at nine games.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Game. Kazuo Matsui, Houston Astros. From the land of Hello Kitty comes the second-base stylings of Kazuo Matsui, who makes this dive-and-twist to throw out the fleet Cesar Izturis of the Cardinals. Wizard Cat gives this play: Three wands.

So it's Friday, time for the Best of Wizard Cat's Mailbag!

• Dear Wizard Cat: I hope you know that your dabbling in the dark arts will only lead to eternity in cat hell. Repent now! — Joaquin Andujar and the Funky Bunch

• Dear Wizard Cat, I was recently friended by that friending whore josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris's sack-dance for you. Do they make an ointment for that? — RachelRayIsTheDevil

• Wizard Cat, Can you please zap LaTroy Hawkins into some sort of small amphibian? Maybe, then, Joe Girardi will stop putting him into games. ...Maybe. — Pennington Noodlearm

• Wizard Cat, I'm not one to go questioning your methodology, but since Willie Randolph still has a job, shouldn't he automatically be named Wizard Cat Defensive Player of the Day? This is after all defensing the indefensible. Thanks, Jews For Purple Jesus

• Wizard Cat, As evidenced in the photo below, last night my puppy overtook DUAN and killed Nightmare Ant. Are you willing to co-rule the kingdom with him? — pr0FF3ss0r_j3rkwh3at

Contact Wizard Cat at Wizardcat@live.com

I seem to recall New York bringing in Johan Santana for just the exact losing streak-stopping duties he faced on Thursday. But instead of applying pressure directly to the wound and keeping the patient's head elevated, Santana left the back door of the ambulance open and let him roll out onto the highway. Seventh inning, game tied, runners at first and third with one out, the Braves' Chipper Jones at the plate facing Santana. As Short Round said in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: "Hang on lady, we going for a ride!" Jones (batting average .412) delivered an opposite-field single to give Atlanta the lead. Here are some telling pitching stats from Braves Blast:

"Braves starters combined lines? 4 Wins, 27 Innings Pitched, 18 Hits, 4 Earned Runs, 3 Walks, 16 Strikeouts, 3 Home Runs Allowed. Compare that to the Mets and their starters’ combined lines: 4 Losses, 20 Innings Pitched, 33 Hits, 17 Earned Runs, 8 Walks, 6 Strikeouts, 1 Home Runs Allowed."

And to give you an idea of what the locals think of Willie Randolph's job security, the Post has been linking to the same Randolph's Job In Jeopardy story since May 16.

• Hurricane Andrew. Meanwhile, a raucous crowd of 13,233 at Dolphin Stadium (I think there were more people at Robert Downey Jr.'s last intervention) watched the Marlins complete a three-game sweep of the Diamondbacks, Florida winning 4-0. Andrew Miller (4-3) gave up five hits over seven innings as Arizona was shut out for the first time this season.

• Grand Finale. J.D. Drew and Mike Lowell became the first to hit grand slams in the same game at Fenway Park since 1984 (Bill Buckner and Tony Armas), as the Red Sox went 7-0 in their homestand with an 11-8 win over the Royals. Daisuke Matsuzaka (8-0) was the winner.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Jeremy Reed's Glove, Seattle Mariners. Reed's glove makes a great catch over the fence to rob the Tigers' Brandon Inge of a home run in the ... hey what happened? Where's the glove? Reed, you're supposed to hold onto it! Jesus, now it's a home run. Oh well, the umpires will overturn it in a minute and call it a ground rule double. Wizard Cat give this catch: 0 wands.

It's Friday, and that means it's time for Wizard Cat's mailbag! (Wizard Cat is a cat, and cannot read. Email will not be read to him).

• Can you come up with a magic spell that will make the Braves win on the road? Either that or finding a way to get Chuck James out of the rotation? Thanks! — Alfino

• Wizard Cat, Long time reader, first time emailer. What's the deal with airplane food? — Thanks, Tim.

• Dear Wizard Cat, Who tastes better, Barbaro or Eight Belles? — formerly Chief Wahoo

• Dear Wizard Cat: How do I get my boyfriend to commit? — Daddy's Girl Jess

• Wizard Cat, What do you plan to do about that feline hack Necromancer Pussy? She's doing an advice column on Jezebel. — RachelRayIsTheDevil

• Wizzy, (i will continue to purvey this nickname) can God make a rock that he cannot lift? — Laser Guided

• Wizard Cat, my friend knows this girl, and if you are interested, here is her picture. *NSFW* — Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart

• Wizard Cat, the water in my toilet is sooo cold! Could you cast a spell to give me longer legs? — David Hume

• Dear Wizard Cat, Without the aid of magic or a falicitic device, how can the Padres get rid of their tight ass problem? — Very truly yours, CN.

Dear Wizard Cat, Please stop using your voodoo curses on Jason Isringhausen. — Love, C_W

• Yo. — Patrick J. Stevenson.

Contact Wizard Cat at Wizardcat@live.com. Happy Memorial Day, everyone!

That seems awfully unlikely too. The only current major league hitting .400 is Chipper Jones, and you can't like his odds to keep that going.

He'd like to get exactly 502 PAs, which is the minimum required to qualify for the batting title. If he did that, his odds would be 1 in 225. As those PAs go up, it gets very unlikely, very quickly. Weighting the 618 PA scenario as 40%, and the other three as 10%, 30%, and 20%, respectively, we come to odds of 1 in 546.

If he keeps this up (unlikely), some enterprising gambling site will probably offer odds on whether he'll hit .400. I'll be interested to see what they are, although I'm sure they'll be absolutely terrible. If they were listed now, I think they'd probably be along the lines of 50:1, maybe even 25:1.

To be fair, Chipper is already 3-for-3 today.

Baseball is entering a stage now when records will fall at a far slower rate than they used to. We find this a relief. The fewer records that are broken now, the fewer moralizing nostalgic, "there will NEVER BE ANOTHER MICKEY MANTLE" warblings we'll have to read. We're ready for a break from records and milestones for a while, thanks.

What Are The Odds? Chipper's Quest For .400 [Vegas Watch]

This past weekend Spieizio was released from his minor league contract with the Richmond Braves. Why? Well, it's pretty easy to figure out, but here's how Braves' GM Frank Wren put it:

"[Here's what] We asked him to do: No. 1 is to continue his aftercare, which included testing, No. 2, that he attend AA [meetings] and No. 3 he would show up at the park every day ready to play. And yesterday he was not ready to play."

"Not ready to play" seems to indicate a major backslide in Spiezio's recovery. Obviously, dude's got some troubles that baseball can't fix. At least now Spiezio will have more time to dedicate to his Ozzfest-y band, Sandfrog. Sandfrog is scheduled to come out with a new album soon, titled "The Offseason," which will include songs about Spiezio's personal problems, plus a song dedicated to deceased Cardinals' pitcher Josh Hancock. That album sounds like a really, upbeat toe-tapper.

Troubled player arrives for Richmond game 'unfit' to play [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

The Bearded Icon was dented by an ailing wing, rusty from a lack of spring practice time, and Hamlet-esque over his desire to make an initial foray to the raised stage sixty and six from home plate in 2008. Tom "Benedict" Glavine stepped in, and agreed to swap dates on the bump, allowing Old Baldy to avoid prolonged exposure to the Rocky Mountain Chill. The catch? The hurling enemy on the Sabbath day — the man who inspired Bowie to pen "Changes," The Two-Seam Savior — Johan Santana, and his new employers from New York.

John Smoltz scoffs in the face of such dangers. "I'm a big-game pitcher," TBI intoned, and indeed, the hairy face of the franchise completed a Napoleonic Sweep of the hated Metropolitans, as the Atlantans won 3-1 in the House That Buffalo Burgers Built.

The initial innings augered Armageddon for Atlanta's Ace, when the argus eye of home plate adjudicator Gerry Davis granted a pair of 'Politans free passage via bases on balls. Smoltz glared at the blueshirt like he had just offered a coupon for the Hair Club For Men, then rendered Carlos "The Hammering Hippie" Delgado in bronze, earning a called third strike. From there, The Icon rolled over opposing batsmen like a Tiananmen Square tank, posting round digits on the scoreboard for five innings, enough to secure his first V of the new season. That dodgy deltoid flared up with enough knottiness to convince The Pudgy Pepperpot, skipper Bobby Cox, to end Smoltz's day somewhat shy of his usual timecard—as the hurler put it afterward, "I'm a seven inning pitcher"—but the quintet will surely do in the City Too Busy To Hate (Except For The Mets).

Mark "Luckiest Man" Kotsay eliminated the only other threat to emanate from the Queensmen's side of the pitch, making a fine haul of a liner off the bat of Ryan "Haman" Church in the fourth innings. The Hippie wandered a touch too far from sanctuary, and was doubled after a whipped transmission to first, scooped sensationally by Mark "Vanna" Teixeira for the dual slaying. Kotsay, no doubt inspired by his significantly better half, is already making Peach Staters have trouble recalling the previous gatekeeper in the middle of the outfield, Andruw "Velvet" Jones.

As Reverse Samson was mowing down the 'Tans, his fellow Warriors from the Red Hills were mostly flailing in futility at Cy Youngazo's offerings. Santana was magnifico for seven mighty innings, with a lone hiccup — a screamer off the ash of Yunel "Seaworthy" Escobar that brought Luckiest Man homeward. The new everyday shortstop in Georgia once again proved Craftier than Castro, and his double was the only scar on Santana's record. But on this day, it was enough to brand The Acquisition with a scarlet 'L'. Johan now looks forward to an outing in the doomed environs of Shea Stadium, a New York debut as eagerly anticipated as any Latino arrival in Fun City since Valentino strode passionately down Broadway.

Rubber Reinforcements wearing red enjoyed the sight of batsmen representing Western Long Island for the second straight game, after early season struggles with the Steel City sluggers. A quartet of Braves relievers scalped the Metropolitan millionaires' lineup until the ultimate innings, when Haman knocked in Golden Boy Wright for the visitors' lone tally.

Hotlanta concluder Rafael "El Hostile" Soriano was grateful for a pair of confirmations of the talents of Atlanta's first sacker. The frame before, Vanna sent a Long Sock over the right field wall, plating Lawrence Jones in front of him to boost the home lead to a sturdier three. In the ninth, with the Metros at last showing some pluck, Teixeira showed off the finery with the leather that has earned him multiple Gold Gloves—diving to deflect a shot off the bat of Brian Schneider, and tossing to The Angry Closer in time for the winning putout.

Atlanta once again says thank you to Teixas, and Salaams in Smoltz's direction.

There may be no parking and no development around it, but, by cracky, the Lerners got their stadium. And D.C. got to chase all the gay clubs and small businesses away from the Navy Yard. Hooray! Gentrification isn't just for Columbia Heights! America's past pastime gets underway on its own shores and we Leitch couldn't be any happier.

Interesting that the Braves should be the inaugural opponent at the ballpark tentatively known as Nationals Park for the one-game homestand. There's the obvious Stan Kasten connection, not to mention that some are saying that the stadium evokes Turner Field.

But nuts to all that. It's baseball! Let's have Lastings Milledge and Elijah Dukes beat some people up!

UPDATE: Here's video of Bush getting booed lustily by the D.C. crowd. Hey, shock of shocks that a city that went 90 percent for John Kerry in 2004 wouldn't give Bush 43 a warm reception.

H/T: 700Level

(Note: I didn't get the running presidents gig. I knew I couldn't grow up to be president! Don't try! Quit'cher daydreamin', melonhead!)

That said, we, perhaps stupidly, like the Mets this year.

1. New York Mets. Come on, come on ... sign Bonds in July. It'll be fun!
2. Philadelphia Phillies. If last year was really all this is going to come to, one suspects Phillies fans will be less than pleased.
3. Atlanta Braves. Even though they no longer have the water taxis to Shea, we still want to get there for Tom Glavine's first game there.
4. Washington Nationals. Elijah Dukes, Dmitri Young and Lastings Milledge. We can't wait.
5. Florida Marlins. We will never tire of saying "Uggla."

We showed us ours, now show us yours. And Monday we wrap up with the American League East.

Jay Busbee is the editor of Yahoo! Sports' NASCAR blog From the Marbles and Atlanta Magazine's Atlanta sports blog Right Down Peachtree. He's also the author of The Quiet Dynasty: The Inside Story of the Atlanta Braves' Championship Run, coming out next year. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

So this is what life is like for the rest of you.

If the Braves Dynasty isn't dead, it's clearly on life support and nonresponsive. The Atlanta Braves are now two seasons removed from their last playoff appearance, six years from their last playoff series win, and twelve—twelve!—years from that lone World Series ring. Atlanta is now like that creepy dude who graduated from college but hung around in town afterward, still going to parties at his old fraternity. Yeah, the Tomahawk was friggin' money back in the day, but now...no, no, don't make eye contact, he'll come over here—Hey, Tomahawk! How ya been! Great, great...

Braves fans insist that Atlanta's fine, that the Braves are going to run with the Mets and the Phillies. But a lot of that is fantasy-league delusion—we've got Glavine, Smoltz, Chipper, and Javy Lopez, we won a World Series with these guys! Somebody get Ryan Klesko and Steve Avery on the phone!

Thing is, it's not a completely insane thought that we'll challenge for the pennant. As old as he is, I'll still take Smoltz over all but a handful of starters in the NL. Tom Glavine's Manchurian Candidate routine of last October—torpedo the Mets' playoff hopes, then jump ship and re-sign with Atlanta—was baseball schadenfreude of the highest order. Tim Hudson is justifying the monstrous salary Atlanta threw his way after he left Oakland. Rookie Jair Jurrjens is pitching like the second coming of Greg Maddux.

At the plate, Chipper Jones, long past caring whether you call him "Larry," is putting the final grace notes on a Hall of Fame career. Mark Teixeira is going to become one of the game's marquee players over the next five years, though Braves fans are dreading the likelihood that he'll be playing somewhere well northeast of Atlanta this time next year. Brian McCann is the sweetest-swinging catcher in the game not named Mauer, and everything's lining up for right fielder Jeff Francoeur to have his breakout season. Shortstop Yunel Escobar, who snuck out of Cuba four years ago, played well enough in his rookie season for the Braves to send Edgar Renteria to the Tigers.

So, yeah, with a solid lineup of at least three likely 15-game winners and four .300 hitters, Atlanta should be challenging for the division title and probably the NL crown, right? So how do I know that come September, Atlanta's going to be burbling along at four games out, unable to close the gap between them and the Mets/Phils?

Sure, you could blame injuries. You could blame a bullpen that has a tendency to implode and bats that go limp at the worst possible moments. You could, but those problems hit every team. I'm looking in another direction.

I blame us. That's right, the Atlanta fans, the perennial postseason punch line. (Hey, alliteration!) It's our fault the Braves can't get over the hump. Our fault they can't give any more than ninety-eight percent. Our fault their eyes are cloudy and their hearts are half-full.

We've got this strange combination of insecurity and flop sweat—we want the world to pay attention to our team, but when they do, the Braves belly-flop spectacularly. We suffer the sanctimonious smugness (More alliteration!) of hack sportswriters when we don't sell out playoff games, but don't go thermonuclear when everybody ignores the fact that, say, the San Antonio Spurs are suffering the same early-round playoff fatigue.

We boo Tom Glavine, one of the three or four greatest A-Braves ever, and give a standing ovation to Julio freaking Franco after he jumped to the Mets and then returned to Atlanta. The finest moment in our team's history—the Game 6 win over the Indians in the 1995 World Series—was colored by the fact that David Justice had to call us out the morning of the game. He didn't think we knew how to get fired up for the final games of a World Series. And he was right.

So we can make all the excuses we want—Turner Field's too tough to get to, Georgia Bulldog football is more interesting, we're just tired of all this winning—but the truth is, we're as much to blame for the Braves' shaky public image as any gopher-ball-tossing closer or flailing utility infielder.

We need to realize winning isn't our birthright. We need to get off our asses and get to a ballgame now and then. We need to cheer this team like it's 1991.

And I promise I will. The very next time they're in town. Promise.

Fortunately, Rocker is being the lovable galoot that he is, confessing to steroid use in the third person.

He also said that "Bud Selig is a clown and should do the entire world a favor and kill himself." Rocker, no stranger to controversy, made those comments on Atlanta radio station Rock 100.5.

Later Monday, he told Atlanta sports talk radio station 680 The Fan that "between 40 to 50 percent of baseball players are on steroids" and "in 2000 Bud Selig knew John Rocker was taking the juice."

It's sad, really, to see a guy we very much enjoy reduced to following the irrefutably foolproof career path paved by Jose Canseco. Sheesh, he's even dressing like the guy.

John, call us: We know some people. And by "people," we mean, well, we pretty much just know you. But not Biblically.

John Rocker Was On Steroids. Shocker. [UmpBump]

The brothers who launched the company 3 1/2 years ago credit much of its success to Fraasa, who's paid in free T-shirts. Millions of people each month see ads featuring Alice, and about 500,000 are interested enough to click, taking them to Snorgtees.com, said Snorg Tees co-founder Matt Flynn.

Yeah, the cheapskates pay her in T-shirts. This kid needs an agent, and pronto.

Meanwhile, over on her MySpace page, we learn that one of her favorite books is The Odyssey. Apparently she didn't care for The Iliad.

Of course one of the best parts of the Snorg Girl Experience is visiting said MySpace page and reading some of the comments, which can be quite unintentionally comical:

• I would like to marry the "Big Deal" model. Hook it up — open bar, karaoke, live CCR cover band. — Plzkthxbye

• Love the shirt, keep up the good work. — Jay

• Any shirt I see you wear I buy. — Travi$

• You get like a million of these messages a day... but... I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my whole entire life. :( — Irvin

• Yo, shout me a holla when u need a ram upgrade. — Ram Guy

Meet Snorg Tees Alice, The Accessible Internet-Famous Jessica Biel [Jezebel]
Auburn Student Is A 'Net Ad Icon [Pensacola News-Journal]
Snorgtees Girl Page [MySpace]

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution has the full story.

The team's venerable general manager will announce this afternoon that he's resigning after 17 seasons with the Braves, and handing over the reins to top assistant Frank Wren, according to a person familiar with the situation.

Manager Bobby Cox is returning for at least one more season, but his longtime boss is not.

We've always thought that if Schuerholz would have been the GM in Boston or New York, he'd be on the cover of Forbes every month. Of course, he also would have been fired three or four times. The new GM is Frank Wren. The Braves are, obviously, never going to be the same.

Schuerholz Calling It Quits [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

• Elton John is a huge fan of the Atlanta Braves. Really.

• John Schuerholz doesn't seem to know who Elton John is. And there was no way they were dragging Bobby Cox to this thing.

• Christ, what the hell happened to Mark Lemke?

• MLB.com's video editing capabilities appear to rival those at Six Flags, the ones where you could make your very own music video, complete with "special effects."

• Any baseball player who claims "Bennie And The Jets" is his favorite song probably loses any right to talk about anything else, ever. We'd give good money to see someone use this as their at-bat music, though.

• MLB.com has great ad copywriters: The whole thing is meant to promote Elton's — sorry, Sir Elton's — new DVD, which they call, "the most anticipated Elton John DVD release in recent memory." Well, jeez, if you can't remember any better, shucks, let's get it!

• Other than that, it was great. Totally about baseball, relevant and timely.

Elton John Goes To Bat With The Braves [MLB.com]

Afterwards, Chipper Jones shooed away New York reporters from his locker complaining that he was misquoted on Thursday, regarding Alex Rodriguez and steroids. I think Chipper is full of it, but you be the judge.

• Mariners Are In First Place In Wild Card Race ... And In Our Hearts. If you find it hard to believe — as I do — that the Mariners haven't swept the Orioles in a three-game series since 2000, then feast your eyes on this. Ichiro Suzuki and the great Yuniesky Betancourt each had three hits and three RBI to lead Seattle over Baltimore 13-8. The Mariners scored 31 runs on 49 hits in their three-game sweep, and are one game ahead of Detroit and New York in the AL wild-card race.

• Your Rafael Furcal Update. New Rule: Players who leave more men on base than they drive in are not allowed to point to the sky when they finally hit a homer. Rafael Furcal, so inept during the regulation nine (runners in scoring position three different times), so glorious in extras. His homer in the 11th led the Dodgers over the Reds 5-4, ending six-game losing streak.

• Cubs Lash Out. OK, everyone who said we were done? Take that, you bastards. Cubs 10, Rockies 2. BITE US!

• The Indignity ... Devil Rays 8, Tigers 1. Past two games combined: Devil Rays 15, Tigers 2. How mortifying.

Anyway, he's speaking up about steroids in baseball, not just about Barry Bonds ... but about Alex Rodriguez.

The Atlanta Braves star said Wednesday that A-Rod probably will face suspicions about steroid use - just as new home run king Barry Bonds has - because Jose Canseco recently hinted he has salacious information to disclose about Rodriguez.

"I don't doubt it," Jones said. "There's been a lot of validation to some of the things that Jose Canseco has said over the years. At first when it came out a lot of people didn't want to give him a lot of credit for it. But a lot of it has been proven true. Now, when he opens his mouth, people listen. And unfortunately, this cloud is following probably two of the best players of this century."

We continue to find it amazing that we live in a world where Jose Canseco is a wise sage soothsayer from half-ass comments he tossed off on a radio show. But when Chipper talks, we listen!

Chatter Continues About A-Rod [Steroid Nation]

Glavine's win over the Cubs last night pretty much completes his career; he's got his Cy Young, his World Series title and his 300th win. He's assured of the Hall of Fame — as if he wasn't there already — but we're not sure certain he'll ever be even close to as revered as his buddy Greg Maddux, or even John Smoltz. Mets fans have always found him a little bloodless and mercenary — you know he would have gone back to Atlanta this offseason if they could have afforded him — and his style of pitching has never been wholly inspiring. (As opposed to Maddux, whose battle with Barry Bonds on Friday we'll talk about later today.)

We're happy for Glavine, who's gonna retire after this season. And we recognize how difficult it's gonna be for anyone else to hit 300. But we feel neither elevated or blessed by the experience; we give Glavine a golf clap, wish him well and move on.

Tonight We Dine In Chicago [Faith In Fear In Flushing]
Last 300 Game Winner [Vegas Watch]

This last weekend, the Atlanta Braves started selling $60 tickets that include all the food and beer you can drink. When you allot for the fact that beers usually cost about eight bucks, geez, folks, we think those seats very well might end up paying for themselves.

We still think nothing will beat the soccer league that offered free beer for those who took part in a blood drive, but hey, it's a start. Whatever gets people to actually attend games in Atlanta.

Are All-You-Can-Eat Seats A Good Deal? [UmpBump]
Three Great Tastes That Taste Great Together [Deadspin]

As always, your one-stop source for all Pants Parties information is over at Pants Parties Announcements, but here's a rundown for those coming up.

• Washington, D.C., August 4. It's Cardinals at Nationals. Sadly, we won't be at this one ourselves, but all kinds of outstanding people will.
• Atlanta. August 17. Diamondbacks at Braves. We've never been to Turner Field, but we'll be there this time. Who has Jarrod Saltalamacchia fever? Email here for details.
• Miami. August 31. This one's sponsored by the radio station Dan LeBatard works for, so beware. We don't think we're going to be able to make this one, but, jeez, folks, it's Miami.
• Seattle. September 16. A full weekend: Mariners on Friday, Washington-Ohio State on Saturday and watching the Buzzsaw beat the Seahawks from the Pink Taco. We'll be there, though probably just hanging out at Kurt Cobain's house the whole time.
• Las Vegas. October 18. Deadspin readers in Las Vegas. What could possibly go wrong?

There's also talk of a San Diego Pants Party, which would probably bring this full circle. If you want more info about any of those, or want to start your own, that site's your one-stop source. Heck, maybe someday we'll have one in Mattoon.

You can add Pittsburgh's Adam Laroche to the Charles Nelson Reilly whoopie cushion school of comedic delicacies. Keep that guy away from the scissors.

The Braves' uniforms and other essentials were hung up in the lockers after the Pirates vacated it. Only thing is LaRoche decided to stick around. LaRoche got a pair of scissors and proceeded to cut the crotch out of every pair of underpants in the Braves locker room - from Bobby Cox's drawers to the bullpen catcher's.

And he left a note: "Let it all hang out, fellas."

It really takes much dedication and time to physically cut the crotches out of an entire team's underpants; we salute Laroche for his diligence. We also love the image of Jim Tracy holding the team bus, waiting for Laroche to finish.

Adam Laroche Wants You To Let It All Hang Out [100 Percent Injury Rate]

More important, the Braves are only three games behind the Mets in the NL East, setting up that potential Atlanta-Milwaukee NLCS that we've all been waiting for. Try and sit out that one, Hammerin' Hank!

• Beckett Brings The Nasty ... Or is it the cheese? We forget, but Josh Beckett did win his 12th of the season on Thursday as the Red Sox smashed the Devil Ray's faces in with a board, 15-4. Coco Crisp update: Grand slam in the first. And Mike Lowell had five hits. It was Tampa Bay's 11th straight loss, as if that wasn't already marked on a calendar on your refrigerator door.

• The Extra C Is For Craptacular. Come on C.C. Sabathia, what's up with this? SeeSee gave up three homers (Gary Sheffield, Carlos Guillen and Placido Polanco) as Detroit and Justin Verlander beat Cleveland 12-3. This takes some of the potential luster off of the All-Star Game, if such a thing is possible.

• Then Came Bronson. Bronson Arroyo homered and Barry Bonds didn't, the Reds beating the Giants 6-3.

Honestly, the entire AP article reads like it was written about an argument between junior high school girls. If you crossed out Jones and Smoltz and replaced it with "Marsha" and "Tiffany" it would make a lot more sense.

"Let's just say there are people who don't believe me [about my injury]," Jones said. "Let's just say that and leave it at that."

After Friday night's 5-0 loss to the Tigers, Smoltz said, "You can't worry about who's in the lineup and who isn't. You can't worry about that stuff anymore."

Added Smoltz: "I certainly appreciate the effort of the guys who are on the field busting it."

Smoltz didn't identify Jones as a player not in the lineup, but Jones said after Saturday's game that he got the message.

"I'd be stupid if I didn't take it the same way," Jones said, adding he planned to "play the rest of the games this year and do whatever I can. Somebody I know better not miss a start."

It goes on and on, and is so girly. I'd respect them so much more if Smoltz just said, "Chipper Jones is acting like a big pussy," and Jones replied with, "Old Man Smoltz can blow me."

Jones says he felt pressured by Smoltz to return to Braves' lineup [ESPN]

The problem here is that while Cox gets himself worked up into a froth pretty often, none of his ejections have been particularly memorable. I'd like to propose a few ways for him to get thrown out a record 132nd time, ensuring that it will be an occasion we'd all remember.

• Eschew the argument all together and take the field wearing a hat that reads, "UMP, YOU'RE A COCKSUCKER."

• In a game where the Braves are having trouble hitting the opposing pitcher, handcuff yourself to said pitcher and swallow the key before proceeding with a tirade that ensures your ejection.

• Get a plastic blow-up doll, write "MRS. JOHN HIRSCHBECK" across her back with a black Sharpie, drag it out to the pitchers mound, and penetrate it with a Louisville Slugger.

• Hope that Barry Bonds eclipses Hank Aaron's record in the Giants' July 23-26th series against Atlanta, tackle Barry as he rounds third on the historic home run, and repeatedly punch him in the face and scream, "THIS IS FOR HANK!"

Cox ties McGraw for ejections record [Savannah Morning News]

"It's kind of embarrassing," Cox said. He would prefer this moment in history pass without notice, like a series of unintended oops moments. No ceremony, no handshake, no umpire expressing he's No. 1 (wrong finger). Asked how often he leaves the dugout knowing that he'll probably get thrown out when he reaches his target, he said: "Just about every time."

The ritual of an umpire ejecting a spittle-spewing manager is another one of those quaint, charming things that make us love baseball. Bobby Cox is an all-time champion, and we salute his Iron Man-like persistence.

Cox Isn't Proud Of Ejections[AJC Blogs]

So here's a novel concept: The Atlanta Braves, trying to figure out a way to sell more tickets, are allowing fans to buy tickets on a payment plan basis. If you don't have the cash to see a game, don't worry: The Braves will finance you.

It's a 90-day interest free loan, but you better not be late with the payment. After those 90 days, the interest rate jumps to "between 20 percent and 25 percent," which is awfully freaking steep. This sounds like the time of deal you'd want to finance with the Vince Young debit/credit card!

Free Interest Loans To See the Braves? Think Twice [Lion In Oil]
Vince Young Cares About Your Financial Future [Deadspin]

This isn't the sort of behavior I'd usually associate with regular season baseball. This seems like something that would be done by a creative young college basketball fan, or an SEC football fan. Maybe it's just me, but if I'm going to risk prosecution for the sake of my team, I'd like the stakes to be a little higher than 1/162nd of the season.

Back to Calvin Klein for a second. This was stuck at the bottom of the AP article:

A law making it expressly illegal to interfere with a professional sporting event was passed by the city in 2003 following a disruptive incident involving fashion designer Calvin Klein.

Klein stepped onto the basketball court at Madison Square Garden in March 2003 to speak with player Latrell Sprewell while a Knicks game was in progress.

I have absolutely no recollection of this happening (this picture, though, captures the moment pretty well). I must be the only one on earth. Except for Calvin Klein, maybe.

Calvin Klein, total nutjob [Gawker]
Mets fan charged with trying to distract Braves [FOX Sports]

We should probably warn you: The Phillies are one of those teams we pick to win the National League East a lot. If you haven't noticed, they haven't won the NL East in a long, long time. But we're gonna try again anyway.

1. Philadelphia Phillies. That lineup is monstrous, and that rotation has some gumption to it. We think if they put Moyer in the bullpen, he'd pitch until he's 80.
2. New York Mets. You have to root for Pedro to come back, someday. Not that we don't get ecstatic about watching John Maine pitch.
3. Florida Marlins. We're not so sure Joe Girardi is the only reason these guys came on; remember how fun they were to watch at the end of last year.
4. Atlanta Braves. The dam has been opened; it might be a while until we see them in the playofs again.
5. Washington Nationals. The most fun thing to do is to watch the Presidents race anyway.

You up for some predictions? We bet you are.

Well, we're just more than a month away from the start of baseball — spring training is here! — so it's time to do the same thing in the baseball world. Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.

Today: The Atlanta Braves. Your author is Jay Busbee.

Jay Busbee is the creator of Sports Gone South, a regular columnist for the Chicago Sports Review and ChopTalk, the Braves' official magazine and a contributor to ESPN.com, Bluff, Slam, and other places — in short, a sportswriting whore. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—--

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 Atlanta Non-Core Assets!

Hell of a rallying cry, ain't it? Thanks to this offseason's most significant Braves news — the sale of the team from one megalithic media conglomerate to another in some kind of hypercomplex three-card-Monte asset swap — Atlanta's fans enter the 2007 season realizing that, in corporate terms, their team is as disposable as an extra ketchup packet.

The spectre of a corporate daddy stings in Atlanta more than in most cities, since the Braves were built on the wackass antics of nutjob/genius Ted Turner. True, Turner's baseball acumen gave us the days of Biff Pocoroba and Pascual Perez, when attendance dipped into the three figures and we Braves fans mostly showed up, as Jeff Foxworthy once said, "to watch the girls eat hot dogs." But Turner figured out that he didn't know jack about baseball and turned the job over to a couple guys who did — general manager John Schuerholz and manager Bobby Cox. They put together fourteen straight division championships, a feat unprecedented in American sports.

Which brings us to last year ... when it all came crashing down.

The Braves had been cruising on fumes for a few years, and last season, everything completely fell apart. The starting pitching, with the exception of perennial ace John Smoltz, began throwing batting practice-level heat. And when the Braves did manage to take a lead into the late innings, the bullpen coughed it up a league-leading 29 times. The Braves' big sticks hit well enough, but they couldn't sustain the 15 runs a game necessary to outlast the crappy pitching.

Schuerholz didn't take kindly to a bitch-slapped bullpen, and by the end of the offseason, he was like Jack Nicholson in The Departed — hands covered with blood, but results delivered. The Braves dealt Adam LaRoche to Pittsburgh for Mike Gonzalez, and a legally dead Horacio Ramirez to Seattle for Rafael Soriano. Combine them with burly closer Bob Wickman, and suddenly, Atlanta went from having a pen shakier than Britney's case for child custody to one that might just hold a goddamn lead once in awhile.

So the bullpen's set. What about the rotation? Smoltz, who's apparently part Terminator, ranked among the league leaders in innings pitched and strikeouts last year even though he'll turn 40 in May. The Braves are banking that Tim Hudson and Mike Hampton can recapture at least a fraction of their twenty-game-winning forms. And they're praying that Chuck James, who led the NL in winning percentage last year, then went back to installing windows for Lowe's, won't have a sophomore flameout.

Among the everyday players, there are a couple of sure things and some decent bets:

• Catcher Brian McCann, an All-Star last year in his first full season of play, a batting-title threat cut straight from the barrel-shaped Fisk/Bench mold;

• Rightfielder Jeff Francoeur, who has the makings of a multimedia superstar, and could steal your girlfriend/wife/mom in a heartbeat if he felt like it;

• Shortstop Edgar Renteria, who put Fenway in his rear-view mirror and immediately returned to All-Star form in 2006; and

• Third baseman Chipper Jones, who's growing creaky and crotchety in the autumn of his career. Though he can still produce, it wouldn't surprise me at all to see Chipper go Jack Bauer in some June game and throw a plastic bag over Yadier Molina's head.

Some positions remain up for grabs. Cox will be holding everything short of sack races and tetherball showdowns to see who'll win the starting left field spot — slick fielder Ryan Langerhans, big stick Matt Diaz or newcomer Craig Wilson. Kelly Johnson should win the second-base spot, but he's got to be looking jealously to his left, where second-year man Scott Thorman has had first base handed to him. There, the Braves are essentially gambling that their strengthened bullpen won't need the runs LaRoche would have produced.

Still, it's a good thing the Braves are starting to groom some stars, because it's not like they're going to be buying one anytime soon. The Braves are hamstrung by a corporate mandate to keep payroll at $80 million. As a result, they've spent the last few seasons like the dude in a poker tournament who folds every single hand, hoping he can cash in before the blinds eat him alive.

The strategy started showing cracks last year, and it's going to completely throw a rod in 2007 when the Braves, barring a miracle, will have to bid farewell to Andruw Jones. Andruw's the best centerfielder since Willie Mays, but he's also a Scott Boras client, which means he'll probably start cashing $20 million checks from somewhere northeast of Atlanta next year.

So how will the Braves do in 2007? The good news is, they've got enough solid players who just need to play at their potential, not far above it, that they should make a run. And even if a starter or two pops a rivet, the bullpen will keep them in enough games to threaten for at least the wild card.

Should the Braves make the playoffs again, Atlanta fans will no doubt feel that familiar knot of dread in their stomachs. Every year, it's like snagging the hottest chick at the party, then watching in horror as she pukes sushi all over your floorboards. Me, I nearly broke my hand punching a brick wall in Charlottesville, Virginia when the Braves lost the '92 Series; four years later, I smashed an Ikea desk into Swedish kindling when Mark Wohlers surrendered a Series-changing homer to the Yankees' Jim Leyritz in Game 4 of the '96 Series. (The Braves haven't won a World Series game since.)

The problem isn't Bobby Cox, despite what people want to believe. The problem with the Braves in the playoffs is one of monkey-see, monkey-do. In the postseason, the Braves' hitters are as lemming-like as right-wing talk show audiences; if one goes cold, they all go cold. This year, though, the Braves have a whole slew of players with little or no postseason experience. We can only hope they haven't read the script to see how they're supposed to play.

And should the Braves win the World Series, their new corporate overlords will surely schedule 15 minutes of appropriately branded, synergistic, tax-deductible celebratory activity.

On September 13, 2006 (the game actually started on September 12 but ended after midnight due to a rain delay), the New York Mets' win over the Florida Marlins mathematically eliminated the Atlanta Braves from winning the NL East, finally ending the Braves' record streak of consecutive division titles at 14.

Man, that was fast.

So we couldn't let the day go by without noting this changing of the guard; the burying of the hatchet, as it were. We feel like we're witnessing history, like we are present for the invention of the motorcar, or the addition of another Spice Girl. Fittingly, it rained the day that Atlanta was eliminated, their scheduled game with the Phillies postponed, perhaps forever.

Do you realize there are 15-year-olds who have never seen a Mets NL East title? Party on, New York (thou Magic Number is "3". Meanwhile, over at Braves Tomahawk, there is still a degree of denial:

The Braves will now host the Phillies, and Kyle Davies will pitch against Randy Wolf. The Braves elimination number from the division race is one.

No, my friends. The dance, she is over. The king is dead.

It Was Just A feeling In the Spring [Atlanta Journal Constitution]
Mets 6, Marlins 4 [MetsBlog]

(UPDATE: Look at all that has happened since the Braves last didn't win the division.)

Even among people who hate the Yankees, there is a grudging respect for manager Joe Torre, who exemplifies class, stoicism and wisdom in a game that many consider often lacking in all three.

Of course, it's a little easier to be stoic when you're managing the Yankees. Back when Torre was manager of the Braves, like in this video, matters would get a little hairier, and a little more vulgar. We'd suggest the headphones for this one, folks.

By the way, watch it all the way to the end for a little moment of Ted Turner beauty.

Joe Torre And Ted Turner's Big Vacation, 1983 [YouTube]

(UPDATE: The jerks at YouTube — yeah, you heard us — took down the video, because ... uh ... there's a bunch of old TBS people angry? They love Jane Fonda? They're cheerless? Oh, that's it.)

(SECOND UPDATE: So it appears the video was pulled via complaint from MLB Advanced Media. Please allow us to take this opportunity to say hello to the reader(s) from MLB Advanced Media here. We would like to formally remind you that we don't come into your workplace and smack the Scott Boras out of your mouth when you're on the job. Jerks.)

(THIRD UPDATE: Well, you can get the Ted Turner part anyway. Though we remain less than convinced MLB actually owns the video YouTube took down, now that we think about it.)

• 1. Death Of The Chop. The Tomahawk Chop died peacefully in its sleep on Sunday, the New York Mets officially supplanting the Braves as King of the Hill in the East with a 10-6 win. It was the Mets' first three-game sweep in Atlanta in 21 years. Carlos Beltran is still unconcious, in case you were wondering, hitting his third grand slam in July. The Braves: 15 games back. R.I.P.

• 2. The Chase Continues. Bobby Abreu may be gone, but the story in Philadelphia right now is Chase Utley, anyway. Utley extended his hitting streak to 31 games, Philadelphia sweeping a doubleheader from Florida, 11-5 and 9-2.

• 3. We're Not Listening! La La La La La La! Why can't the Cardinals win in Chicago? The answers are shrouded in mystery. What is known: Carlos Zambrano won his ninth straight decision as the Cubs beat the Cards 6-3, giving Chicago its first four-game sweep of St. Louis at Wrigley Field since 1972. St. Louis is 0-7 there this season.

• 4. Well, This Can't Be Good. Not a great time to watch Curt Schilling get shelled, if you're a Sox fan. Schilling did the perp walk on Sunday, lasting just five innings, as Orlando Cabrera, Vladimir Guerrero and Juan Rivera all homered off of him to lead the Los Angeles Angels over Boston 10-4.

• 5. Twins Barely Escape Mauling. Twins have not been swept. We repeat: no sweep. Jeremy Bonderman's balk in the eighth brought in the tying run, and Minnesota went on to beat Detroit 6-4, avoiding its first home sweep of the season.

Obviously, we'd love to see the number go up one slot tonight, though, considering Cox's poorly publicized history of having an occasional Brett Myers moment, maybe it's better than he just stay at the park.

Seriously, though: 131 ejections. That's almost an entire season. Go for it, Bobby!

Chasing McGraw [A Trivial Pursuit]

• 1. Don't Cry For Me, 'Cause I'm Already Dead. The Tomahawk Chop passed away peacefully at 5:31 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time on Sunday, as the Red Sox left Turner Field with a 10-7 victory (and first place in the AL East) over the Braves. That's seven straight losses for the Hotlantians, their longest futility skein (flipping pages of old calendars) since 1990. Yes, we know that Boston represents life in this equation, but we are obsessed with death. And so we tell you that the Braves have lost 17 of their past 20, are in last place in the NL East (30-40) and will most likely see their streak of 14 straight division titles come to a grisly end.

• 2. Happy Father's Day. With his father in the stands, rookie Ryan Zimmerman delievered a two-run homer in the bottom of the ninth to give the Nationals a 3-2 win over the Yankees, dropping New York from first place in the AL East. Hard to be too cynical about baseball with scenes such as this playing out.

• 3. Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner. Tom Glavine, who made his major league debut the same year that Dirty Dancing hit theaters, reminds us that he can still do the Forbidden Salsa, becoming the NL's first 10-game winner in a 9-4 win over the Orioles. David Wright had a grand slam as the Mets maintained their 9½-game lead in the NL East.

• 4. Bicentennial Celebration. Kenny Rogers was going for his 200th career win, so the Tigers decided to celebrate with gifts; presenting him with eight home runs. That was a bit of overkill, actually, in a 12-3 win over the hapless Cubs. Rogers (10-3) went eight innings, allowing two runs and four hits. It was the return of Cubs' pitcher Mark Prior from the DL, and he lasted only 3 2/3, allowing eight runs.

• 5. We Don't Need No Stinkin' DL. The last time a White Sox pitcher hit a home run, Willie Mays was still playing. Jon Garland got the homer, and the win in Chicago's 8-1 triumph over the Reds. Garland's two-run homer in the eighth was the first since Steve Kealey on Sept. 6, 1971, against Minnesota; two years before the designated hitter debuted.

Some wisenheimer, having some fun with that New York Mets' "Our Team, Our Time" team promotional song, has recast it with "highlights" of the series loss to the Braves earlier this week. Right now the guys at Faith And Fear In Flushing are slowly banging their heads against their keyboards.

We would think this was put together by a Braves fan, but, as we all know, there are no Braves fans.

Our Team, Our Time [YouTube]
We Got The Hits, HITS! [Deadspin]

Anyway, turns out that that Hammer made a promotional rap video for the Atlanta Braves and Turner South. As far as we can tell, it's the first rap that ever name-checks Bobby Cox. It's not that bad, we guess, in a Hammer way, and it features a confused-looking Phil Niekro and a helplessly dorky Chipper Jones.

By the way, Hammer is now officially a fan of the Giants, the A's and the Braves. Somebody give this guy another record deal, and fast.

Thankful: Death Burial Resurrection [MC Hammer Blog]
Braves Turner South Commercial [Putfile]