New Brave world: Baseball is a popular diversion for the transplanted New England businesspeople known as Atlantans, at least in those odd moments when they're not idling in traffic at the I-85 interchange. Turner Field is made for these people. It is of a piece with its city: bland, corporate, vaguely backward-looking, with a light dusting of half-assed crackerism — John Rocker jerseys, Tomahawk chops, a third baseman named Chipper — to make the place feel identifiably Southern. Like Atlanta itself, whatever character the ballpark may possess was derived largely from the rubble of its former self. Turner, which opened in 1997, is the model mallpark; you can spend an entire afternoon in the fan plaza at the stadium's north end and never have to suffer through the tremendous inconvenience of actually watching a baseball game. The place differs from a Banana Republic only in that a Banana Republic doesn't work so feverishly to sell you so much crap.

There's a lesson here, one that all those Chicagoans clamoring for the 2016 Olympics would do well to heed. The 1996 Summer Olympics dramatically altered the host city, which put itself forever in hock to its corporate community. Atlanta, now brought to you by Coca-Cola. The ballpark that emerged from the wreckage of Centennial Olympic Stadium was a monument to that evolution, edgeless and dull and pimpled with logos. Not even Ted Turner — whose mix of both crass and noble instincts should've made him the prophet to lead America from its stadium malaise — could do anything about that. Here's how the Braves' web site describes The Ted now: "Turner Field combines the nostalgia and the atmosphere of old-time baseball with state-of-the-art family entertainment unlike that of any other park." It's a tribute to Ted Turner's worst impulses, in other words. It's an old movie, sloppily colored in.

The view from the stands (everything sic'd):

It is ironic and a little sad that the park is named for Ted Turner, since little of the zany exuberance or irrepressible joy of its namesake is apparent. Turner Field is, in many ways, the perfect monument to the era of bland professionalism that John Schuerholz helped shape. There is absolutely nothing unique or memorable about Turner Field: no insincere tributes to long-demolished ballparks, no crazily contrived dimensions, no pointless architectural flourishes. It is perfectly serviceable and completely soulless.

Not surprisingly, Turner Field caters to the transplant community it serves. Even the "traditions" are borrowed, as the experience is little more than an a la carte sampling from more baseball-savvy cities: "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" (from the O's), compelled patriotism (from the Yankees; don't go to a Braves game on Sunday if you're remotely free thinking), and the "Day-O" chant from Harry Belafonte's "Banana Boat Song" that's piped into every ballpark in America are all featured.

Turner Field therefore makes a fitting symbol of the city of Atlanta itself: it's nice enough, and often a great place to be, but not really a destination. You visit, enjoy yourself for awhile, then go home and forget about it. (Jason B.)

They started a Home Depot tool race this year. It's just another rip off of Milwaukee's sausage race. But they managed to make it even more phallic than racing sausages. One of the "racers" is a drill mascot. He has a drill bit that flops around like a penis while he is running. It's pretty funny. Here's a video to give you an idea.

(Artie Fufkin, video by Lauren Turbyfield at Braves Love)

I used to live 2 miles east of the stadium and walked to games pretty often. There is exactly ZERO going on around the stadium. The park was supposed to bring life to a part of town that's absolutely ghetto but 10+ years later and still nothing so the closest thing to pregaming you get is showing up 20 minutes before first pitch and sucking down a 6-pack of tall boys by your car and then fending off the bums who are constantly hassling you for money. The only public transportation to the stadium are in the form of a few shuttle buses coming from a subway station 2 miles away so everyone drives there and parks in the massive parking lots, which causes a total traffic nightmare when leaving and epitomizes the fact that everyone in this town drives everywhere to get to anything. And to top it off, the stadium is a non-descript pile of crap. A track stadium converted to a failed retro park that has no distinct charm or qualities besides (drum rollllll).....a large HD screen. (Daz K)

The ushers are tasked with enforcing Jim Crow laws in the upper deck, if you happen to do the move over from the dollar seats OR if any of your friends are black. Somehow the Dance Cam always finds the asshole who won't let go of John Rocker and still has the #49 jersey from 2000 - and the asshole always flashes the whole stadium and shows off his Nazi tats. Thank God Jair Jurrjens now has the uni number.

I hate the kiss cam. My senior year, some friends and I took a trip to ATL. I had brought a lady friend to the park after finals, so of course her nights were pretty free plays into the Southern hatred of things different (read in Southern drawl: queer) by showing two guys of the away team, but alas, my college roommate from Colorado wore a Todd Helton Tennessee throwback (I know, I didn't know they made them either) and I didn't wear any John Rocker stuff . SO, who ends up on the Jumbotron, yep. And yep, I get told by the date girl, "Oh, I didn't know you were gay!" - yeah, FML. Poor Southern girl, didn't know it wasn't the Gay Cam. So, yeah, the whole night I had planned in the hotel took a little longer to happen because I was the gay friend thanks to Liberty Media for stealing the team from Ted Turner and the Kiss Cam. But you know, maybe, in the end, I win.

More hateful Southern-fried hate that was just out there was Chief Nokahoma. The Braves tried to act all progressive by restricting the use of Chief Nokahoma, both in physical form and the logo - to nothing. I'm part Poarch Creek Indian so first of all, we pretty much screwed the Cherokee out of Georgia with some help from Andrew Jackson and fuck, implicit racism is marketing GOLD for Indians who run casinos - and well, hey there is a Golden Moon Casino Level - of Mississippi Band of Choctaw Indians fame - so maybe Chief Nokahoma never really left, he just got a job at the Casino? Also, the Florida State tomahawk chop is ruined by moms, kids, senior citizens, and any out of town fans. I have gotten more beer spilled on me by moms trying to keep their kids from having a spasm when the Tool Run happens and the hammer gets decked by the drill. The ATL Gangsta race would be better but I guess having Ludacris, Jermaine Dupri, and other ATL superstars run around the outfield would be like the President going to a town hall in my hometown. (Darren K.)

Truth to tell, I've only been to Turner Field twice and had a good time both times. I think it's a nice park with supportive fans, even if there are more Yankees fans there than Braves fans on any given day. I'm sure the Braves hate never having a home field advantage of any kind, because no one in Atlanta is from here (including me). But the park's only, what...13 years old, so it's in good shape. And I don't care about being able to see the skyline from inside the ballpark, because if I wanted to see that, I could just as easily get caught in traffic between 3 PM and 7 PM each and every weekday. If I'm inside Turner Field, I want to see baseball. I guess the Braves are a reasonable alternative.

Anyway, this is Georgia, so it's not a shock that my story is about racists.

This past Cinco de Mayo (Atlanta has a good-sized Latino population, so it's become an excuse for us to get drunk, too), I was down there with some friends and saw a group of white guys in the next section, dressed in sombreros and white t-shirts with the words "Border Patrol" crudely written across the front, egging on the crowd and trying to get on TV And everyone thought it was hilarious, including the three Puerto Rican cats I was with. They figured, "They're not talking about us. We're not Mexican," and joined in with them. You know, because they don't like Mexicans, either.

There's no punchline or tale of retribution. That's the story. Some white guys and some homemade "Border Patrol" shirts and sombreros on the Mexican Day of Independence. Or whatever Cinco de Mayo is for. For all I know, it was invented by Corona so they could have their own "St. Patrick's Day."

I'm not being judgmental here, because honestly, I was laughing, too. Hell, it was funny. But it was WRONG. And I feel like I need to point that out, so my Mexican friends stay cool. (Tony Majestic)

I'm sure you'll get into why Turner Field sucks, particularly the unreal traffic, hazardous heat, etc. But it should be emphasized the fans there apparently expect baseball to have the excitement of a class on the literature works of Geoffrey Chaucer. The first time I ever went to Turner Field (and I'm not a Braves fan), the Braves hit back-to-back home runs and when my friends and I stood up to clap the second home run coming into home, we were told to sit down. Or the time when Bobby Abreu was playing for the Phils in right field and our section got into an 'Aaaa-bree-uuu' chant (sort of like the Dar-yl chants when Strawberry played for the Mets). Somehow some old fart concocted in his head that we were chanting obscene words and notified the usher. This of course got us chanting Aaaa-bree-uuu even more more and we were escorted out of the Stadium. Meanwhile, most of the fans there are either on their cellphone or waiting in line to get something to eat or to buy some ridiculously overpriced merchandise while the game is going on. (Rich H.)

Went to a game this summer at Turner Field, Braves-Brewers, Tommy Hanson's first start. My entire reason for driving 7 hours was to boo Jeff Francoeur, this double play hitting into, high fastball swinging at waste of a roster spot has been the bane of my existence for the past 2 years. First at bat he comes up to the plate, these people are CHEERING the man with the .240 and .250 obp. He proceeds to hit into 2 double plays, go 0-4 with a strikeout and THEY ARE STILL CHEERING. Not to mention the heat, dear god the sweaty balls that day. (Ben G.)

Turner Field is a wonderful place to spend an evening, so long as it has absolutely nothing to do with baseball. From the moment you enter the stadium, you are bombarded with noises, flashes of color, and stupid shit that makes it virtually impossible to pay attention to the action on the field. Not only does it continue when the inning begins, it keeps going during at bats. Every foul ball that's hit into the stands is greeted by some inane sound effect from the Turner library or elsewhere. The Jetsons theme. Chewbacca. The gulls from "Finding Nemo." Even if it's a hard liner that whacks some unsuspecting old woman in the skull, rest assured you'll hear a giant slide whistle at the moment of contact. It's like a giant episode of Benny Hill, in slow (regular?) motion.

Then there's all the visual shit that distracts you from the game. The enormous, seizure machine known as BravesVision, which is conveniently placed on top of the batters eye to ensure that the entire Braves offense has to play every game looking into the face of a god damn hydrogen bomb. Then there's the Nazi Cow on the roof, which is the single most embarrassing thing in the city of Atlanta not currently airing Thursdays on Bravo. And then, of course, there's the fans. You will be hard pressed to find a group of 25,000 as disinterested in the event they have congregated for than at an Atlanta Braves game. The lone exception is when the Mets, Cubs, Phillies, Red Sox, or Yankees are in town, where Braves fans are always outnumbered. Plus you still see a number of people wearing Jeff Francoeur T-shirts, which as a Braves fan pissed the shit out of me even before he was traded. (Torgo's Executive Powder)

Turner Field sucks because it's not full of Braves fans. It's full of brahsome Mets/Cubs/Phillies/Insert Team Here fans that like to shit on Atlanta and yet curiously, refuse to leave. Delta's ready when you are, asshole.

Braves-Cubs this past June. The Cubs' pitcher has a no-no through about 7. Braves break it up and come roaring back. Francoeur (I KNOW!) homers in the bottom of the 9th to tie it up. Braves win in extras.

Lot of Cub fans there. Obnoxious for 7, eerily silent for the rest of the way. In the middle of the rally, I start a "1908" chant in response to the wildly creative "Let's Go Cubbies" I've heard all night. Asshole Cub fan, with his 6 year old daughter in tow, has been a dick all night. He says, and I swear I'm not kidding, "Shut up. When's the last time you won a division title?" Really dude?

Another Braves fan responds in a salty manner and Cubs guy loses it about how he won't tolerate cussin' in front of his kid (albeit the rule clearly didn't apply to him). Calling him on his hypocrisy, I ask him how many times he sat in the bleachers at Wrigley and said something off-color. He's now fully unhinged and heading for us. Long story short, he gets arrested, 6 year old following all the way.

Only in Atlanta would a story about the Ted sucking cite the behavior of a Cubs fan. Go Braves, fucker. (Aubrey N.)

"The Ted" is named after a former owner who once had newly acquired free agent Andy Messersmith wear number 17 while changing the name on the back of his jersey to "Channel." Those good old days of crass commercialization had a certain charm compared to the new sterile soulless corporate baseball castle brought to you by current Braves owners, Liberty Media.

The following conversation happens nightly. It is one of an estimated 20,000 cell phone conversations that occur whenever the ball is in play at The Ted. For verisimilitude sake, insert the voice of Barry Pepper as Dale Earnhardt:

"Dude. I'm here over in the Sun Trust Level. Where you at? Golden Moon Casino Level? Well, shit. Wanna meet up at Bud Pavilion before the Home Depot Tool Race? My money's on Screw Driver. Who you got?"

When you pass through the front gates of The Ted what do you find? Well, naturally you find what any baseball aficionado would find-a children's theme park featuring the lovable characters from The Cartoon Network. Why? Don't ask why. This is Atlanta. Capital of the New South. Our true God is the Union-Yankee dollar and we worship at the foot of a Chick-fil-a-Cow-God (Baal?) hovering majestically in left field. That's right. Let Boston have The Green Monster. Let Chicago have Ivy. Let the Yankees have Monument Park. We've got Cow-God. He rests next our other major deity-a plastic Coke bottle tower (Babel?). Behold…

What kind of fan-base does this produce? We have diabetes. We drive used Hummers. We wear Polo shirts and frayed hats of our favorite college teams and khakis and believe the earth is 4,000 years old. But mostly, as Braves fans, our greatest passion is to stay at home and watch reruns of Designing Women and Deadliest Catch. Or we go to Stone Mountain Park, former home of the Ku Klux Klan, and watch the Laser Shows and play putt-putt. When it's time to head downtown (Scary! Black! Gay!) and watch the Braves, we're likely on a church bus because First Baptist of Wherever got a good deal on group tickets.

So we'll be there. Every once in a while. And you can count on us to be wearing Red Sox hats and Jeff Franceour jerseys, drinking Coke and dreaming of Chick-fil-A. Just don't expect us to watch the action on the field. We're distracted. The lights are bright. The advertisements, pretty. And Cow God, like Doctor T.J. Eckleberg, is watching. Always watching. (Jerome from Decatur)

Next up: The Kansas City Royals' Kauffman Stadium. Got any horrible experiences to share? Send them to craggs@deadspin.com.

But Chipper's a compassionate conservative, so instead of firing his shotgun into the air or unleashing coyotes on them, he just gathers them all up in the back of his truck, gives them some food and water and immediately calls the border patrol to properly dispose of them. What else is he supposed to do?

People say that it's mean to call the border patrol, but who else are you gonna call? I mean, I'm not gonna spend my whole offseason driving illegals back…"

Chipper Jones on 790 Atlanta [SRI]

Here's the caption they attached to this picture on their website.

Atlanta Brave Kenshin Kawakami paid a visit to the Japanese language school in Mableton. Ninety percent of the students there are from Japan and trying to adapt to U.S. culture. Kawakami posed for group photo with the entire school. (The glare led to lots of squinting.)

If you say so!

Kawakami goes back to school in Mableton [AJC]

* * * * *

Thank you for your support of Deadspin's occasionally uncomfortable racial humor. Now here's something people from every walk of life can enjoy.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution's David O'Brien reports:

In fact, newly arrived - he just got here at 12:30 p.m. – Barbaro Canizares might possibly be one of the worst defensive players the Braves have had on their major league roster in quite some time, based on what I've heard of the 29-year-old Cuban rookie first baseman.

"I heard he can't run, can't throw and can't field, but the sumbitch can hit," is what one Braves player told me this morning.

A good glue guy, one might say. Pitcher Tommy Hanson, a former Gwinnett teammate, also noted Barbaro's cinderblock of a glove, saying his defense "needs work." "I wouldn't expect Gold Glove performances," Bobby Cox tells the AJC, beating a dead horse.

Canizares gets call - and Andruw's No. 25 [AJC]

Glavine was released by Atlanta yesterday, one day after throwing six shutout innings that he assumed would be the last hurdle on his last major league comeback. But then the Braves had to go and remind everyone that Single A Rome is not the National League East and all Cy Youngs considered, they're just going to go with the rookie instead. (They called up super prospect Tommy Hanson.)

So after 22 seasons (geez, we're old guys) and 682 starts is this the end of the line? The Braves made it perfectly clear that it's not a money issue and that they just don't think Glavine has the stuff anymore—but if they won't take a flyer on him, will anyone else? Actually, someone will always take a chance on you if you're left-handed and breathing, so I guess the question is who? And what will they pay him? (Not much.)

Maybe the real question is, should he bother? No one goes out the way they want to go out, so maybe he should just get to work on that Senior PGA career.

Oh, and in related news, the Braves got Nate McLouth from Pittsburgh so all their problems are solved.

It hurts to say it, but it was time for Tom Glavine to go [Atlanta Journal Constitution]
Braves GM: Glavine release a 'performance decision' [AJC]
Atlanta Braves cut 305-game winner Tom Glavine [ESPN]

The World Fucking Champions will kick off the season tonight against Atlanta and not a moment too soon. The NCAA title game is tomorrow, the NBA and NHL regular season death marches are almost over and the Masters, horse racing, rec league softball and many other things that you can do outside while drunk will soon be upon us. It really is the best time of the year. It makes me so happy, I won't even take an unfounded cheap shot at the Mets in this post. That's the kind of goodwill that only this season can provide.

So enjoy tonight's fake Opening Day before the real one tomorrow, and don't be too hard on Joe Morgan. He means well. (Wow, I really am in a good mood!) Thank you for your continued support of Sunday Funday Deadspin.

A chance to be great for a whole season [Philly Inquirer]
"The Green Fields of the Mind" by A. Bartlett Giamatti [gmu.edu]

Chipper Jones, feeling a bit assholish due to a strained oblique he suffered during the World Baseball Classic, told the Atlanta Journal Constitution on Monday that the week he stayed in Toronto reminded him of several prostate examinations in quick succession, or words to that effect.

Jones, who also played in the inaugural WBC in 2006, said he won't play again if the format isn't changed. "Just way too many days off," he said. "We stayed in Toronto for a week and played three games. I don't know if you ever stayed in Toronto, but it's not exactly Las Vegas. To say that we were plucking our eyebrows out one at a time would be an understatement."

Toronto bloggers, being the gentle souls that they are, totally forgave him and wished him all the best.

• Alright, look, I don't know... if you don't like a city, I guess you don't like a city. But still. Y'know, fuck you, Chipper. I'm 99% sure you weren't even trying... Yeah, because Atlanta is practically fucking Vegas— just, instead of casinos and whores it's got waffle houses and meth labs. Totally the same. [Drunk Jays Fan]

• And fuck you too Chipper. Here is hoping for some reason he has to come back. Please let him come back. Funny how other athletes come here and don't seem to complain. Not enough hot spots for ya Chipper like there are in Atlanta?? Downtown Atlanta is a real thriller. Here's hoping Bobby Cox gets to him and talks some sense into him before he opens his trap again. Somewhere I bet JP is laughing or cheering him on. [Toronto Sports Media]

• First of all, Chipper is in the NL, so not used to the neighbourhoods of the city. Second of all, he is on a team with unfamiliar teammates that don't really want to go out with a hitless wonder from a city with clearly the worst night-time downtown core in the league. [Blue Jays Baseball Blog]

• Maybe Chipper wasn't so chipper about his stay here in Hogtown because he sucked so bad: He went 0-for-10 with six strikeouts in three games for Team USA. Just for the record Chipper, this is the kind of stuff you could have been doing while you were here. Get cultured my boy, and don't waste so much time plucking. [My Hogtown]

And Chris Bosh even chimed in, via the National Post.

"Me and Chipper should have hung out," Bosh said at the Raptors' practice on Wednesday. "He should have called me. I'd have shown him a good time."

Chipper Jones Not So Chipper About Toronto, Toronto Not So Chipper About Chipper Jones [My Hogtown]
Chris Bosch Defends Toronto's Honour Against Chipper Jones [The National Post]
Chipper Positive He Will Heal Under Braves' Care [Atlanta Journal Constitution]

The last question on The Grid asks this week's chosen ones to end this sentence: "I'm really sick of hearing about..."

Easy enough. Rajon Rondo of the Celtics picked Stephon Marbury . Vera Zvonareva picked Paris Hilton. Ken Griffy Jr. picked "negative things happening in sports" (profound!). And then there's Parr, who picked President Barack Obama. Since SI's had a history with Atlanta Braves pitchers saying some potentially incendiary things and if you're a professional athlete who plays for that team who's anti-Obama, well, you must be racist, SI cautiously asked him to expand on this comment.

"I'm not saying he's bad or good, but he's not the savior. With the economy, he acts like it's America's own fault we're in this."

See? He's just a proud American.

Pop Culture Grid [SI.com]

According to Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports, the row of dominoes looks something like this: The Angels want closer Brian Fuentes, but only only if they lose Teixeira. The Cardinals also want Fuentes, so must wait on the Angels. If the Cardinals don't get Fuentes, they could go for pitchers Kenshin Kawakami or Will Ohman. If Boston the Angels don't get Teixeira, they're interested in Manny Ramirez, Milton Bradley and possibly others. The Yankees could be after the same group if they lose Teixeira. Meanwhile the Cubs and Rays want Bradley, but can not get him until he exhausts his options with the Angels and Yankees.

Once Teixeira signs with someone, the free agency dam will break with such ferocity that both Buster Olney and Peter Gammons will be swept out to sea, never to be heard from again. There will also be much property damage. But where is Tex most likely to go? From The Sporting News:

If Teixeira wants to be part of something special, he should sign with the Red Sox. Never mind a couple of extra years. He can name his price. Eight years at $165 million? Done, Mark. What jersey number would you like? See you in Fort Myers.

Where Teixeira Could And Should Play In 2009 [The Sporting News]
Once Teixeira Signs, Others Likely To Get Deals Fast [Fox Sports]

MLB dong? If so, that's very Bill Ripkenesque. Who marks their bats that way? "Hey Francoeur, that's my bat; can't you see the cock on the handle? Yours has the tits!"

One can only hope Topps has the good sense to put this on a card.

Sorry, Marlins fans. You'll have to do a lot better to approach the modern Major League record of ... 23.

On September 8, 1916, the New York Yankees came to Philadelphia to play the hapless Athletics. The fans sitting in Shibe Park for the rain-delayed game were outnumbered by the men in uniform. In fact, when the Yankees were at bat, they had more players on the bench than fans in the seats. After an 8-2 win over the Yankees, for the only time in major league history, a team was two games back for every fan in attendance. 46 games back of the first place Red Sox and an announced attendance of 23.

Post Script: The 23 brave fans saw another record that day. Philadelphia outfielder Wally Schang, a switch-hitter was the first major leaguer to hit home runs in consecutive at bats from different sides of the plate.

Actually, the Marlins claim that they sold 11,211 tickets for the game; it's just that most decided not to show up as game-time temperatures hit 90 degrees. "I got enough worries about 30 guys on the field,'' Marlins manager Fredi Gonzalez said. "It doesn't seem to bother our guys. They go out and play hard.'' Hanley Ramirez homered and doubled to lead the Marlins past the Braves 5-3. Jeremy Hermida had two hits and an RBI.

"The fans that did come out that's who we play for,'' Nelson said. "I know a lot of people watch us at home, and I do understand, it's hot out here. It's a difficult situation to sit for nine innings.'' Braves manager Bobby Cox extended his major league ejection record to 143, getting tossed in the fifth inning for arguing balls and strikes.

Florida trails the first-place Mets in the East by eight games, a fact that their fan base obviously finds too depressing to face. Come on people, it's the Mets. Do you not remember last year?

Marlins 5, Braves 3 [NBCSports]