One authentic 1999-2000 Los Angeles Lakers NBA Championship Ring. This ring was designed and crafted by "Henry Kay Jewelers" and comes in its original rosewood presentation case with personalized plaque. This is a large ring by normal standards but is considered to be a "ladies-size" since it is size 8 1/2. Per the authenticity certificate (hand-signed by the president of Henry Kay Jewelers) that accompanies the ring, the ring weighs approximately 25dwt. The top of the ring contains 10 diamonds weighing about .04Ct. The top is paveed with 27 brilliant cut diamonds weighing approximately .50Ct. and are set in a 14Kt.

Our favorite part is the "Bling Bling" on the side of the ring; boy, THAT won't be dated in 25 years.

Anyway, we looked over the 1999-2000 roster to figure out who the most likely candidate is. Let's see ... Travis Knight ... John Salley ... Sam Jacobson ... Tyronn Lue ... you know, we're gonna go with John Celestand.

LOS ANGELES LAKERS NBA 1999-2000 CHAMPIONSHIP RING [eBay]

The eBay auction to see Willie Mays' 1963-era penis has no bids yet. It does seem a bit pricey.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to own a professional vintage negative, with rights, featuring San Francisco Giants great Willie Mays NUDE from the waste down. That's right, Mays is pictured completely NUDE from the waste down. This is the first and only time a photo of Mays like this has been offered to collectors. This photo was taken before Mays received a shot from the team physician during the Giants spring training on February 25, 1963. This item has incredible resale value as you will receive the full copyright and ownership, giving you the right to reproduce this negative as you wish. Due to the nature of this image I have placed a Giants logo to cover Mays. The original negative is 100% authentic and has not been altered in any way. Feel free to contact me with any questions. Please view my other items for more amazing vintage sports memorabilia. Good luck bidding!

We suspect a 2008-era Willie Mays penis shot would go for considerably less. Though we bet Lupica bids on both.

1963 Willie Mays Giants NUDE Negative W/ Rights [eBay]

He's appealing to other West Virginia fans, so we'll just assume he's able to sell it. We appreciate the mindset.

My lovely beard would like a new home after the Fiesta Bowl, but we can make arrangements for after basketball season, if you would like. I will keep growing it for the lucky Mountaineer fan that has the highest bid. The beard has served coach Huggins well this season. I will try to get coach Huggins to touch it at the Oklahoma vs. WVU game on 12.29.2007. I will take a picture for proof of the touch, and you will get a copy.

We love the idea of him increasing the value of his beard by having Bob Huggins touch it. That increases the value of everything.

WVU Fan's Beard [eBay]

Well, kind of: For $1,500 bucks — as of now — you can pose in the Canucks team photo.

If you're a Canucks fan, you have the opportunity to bid for a spot in the teams annual photo at the end of the season. Along with being in the team photo, you'll receive an 8x10 copy as well as a replica jersey to wear in the picture. No word on if they'll let you keep that lovely sweater.

The winning bid will be donated to Canuck Place Children's Hospice and BC Children's Hospital Child & Adolescent Mental Health Building. Wait: Don't they have socialized medicine there? Why don't they use that money for something useful, like upgrading police equipment, so they don't have to, you know, ride horses?

Win A Chance To Be In Canucks Team Photo [Going Five Hole]

Someone is selling a wad of Red Sox manager Terry Francona's gum/chewing tobacco taken from the Red Sox dugout during Game 1 of the World Series. Who wouldn't want that? (Via Center Field.)

YOU ARE BIDDING ON A VERY UNIQUE PIECE OF SPORTS MEMORABILIA. THIS IS AN ACTUAL GAME USED PIECE OF CHEWING TOBACCO CHEWED BY RED SOX MANAGER TERRY FRANCONA DURING GAME 1 OF THE 2007 WORLD SERIES AT FENWAY PARK VERSUS THE COLORADO ROCKIES. THE PIECE OF TOBACCO IS INTERTWINED WITH A PIECE OF BUBBLE GUM. SEVERAL PICTURES ARE POSTED BELOW AS PROOF OF THIS ITEMS AUTHENTICITY. THIS ITEM WAS TAKEN RIGHT FROM THE SEAT OF TERRY FRANCONA AS SEEN IN PICTURE 4. A PORTION OF ALL PROCEEDS WILL BE DONATED TO THE JIMMY FUND.

Bidding is at 100 bucks (plus 30 bucks shipping, for some reason; does it count as hazardous material?) and ends Saturday. We're not sure where you'd put this in your home, but please keep it away from children and small dogs.

2007 WORLD SERIES GAME USED CHEWING TOBACCO BY FRANCONA [eBay]

Yes, folks: You can bid on Sandy Koufax's yarmulke.

My uncle quietly approached Mr. Koufax at a wedding in 1971 after the service and asked for his autograph. Koufax politely declined but my uncle got the next best thing- the yarmulke he was wearing! When Koufax returned his, my uncle snagged it. Not quite in keeping with the Old Testament, but my uncle believes God is a Dodgers fan and would completely understand.

He's kept this yarmulke for years and even considered going to Spring Training just to get Sandy to sign it (how cool would that be?). So after years of being banished to my uncle's sock drawer, he asked us to sell it for him. With that said, we are please to offer (possibly) the only Synagogue-worn Sandy Koufax yarmulke.

Bidding is stuck, oddly, at a dollar, which seems extremely low to us. Oh, and:

Hello? God? Are you there, God? It's us, Deadspin. You're not really a Dodgers fan, are you? We hope not. Though we do imagine you having the voice of Vin Scully.

Sandy Koufax's Worn Yarmulke Kippah From Synagogue [eBay]

Yeah, this guy's selling his club through eBay, and his reasons are frighteningly specific.

Im selling this club because I finally left my fatass girlfriend who hated the fact that I loved to play golf. I bought this for her when hybrids first came out which was approximately 5 years ago or when she was 115 pounds lighter. She stopped playing golf soon after I introduced her to the game and decided she would rather eat cookies and tacos as a sport. When she decided to start playing again she realized that her hands were to swollen to grip the club properly from all the meat around her knuckles.

OK then! Thanks for sharing!

TaylorMade Rescue Hybrid Titleist Cleveland Callaway [eBay]

Anyway, if you're eager to pick through the carnage of a union blasted apart, you can head to Millea Brothers Catalog and pick through the Strahan's discarded detritus room by room. How about a $1,800 table in the kitchen? A $5,000 bed in the nursery. Speaking of beds, you can have the Strahan's candleabras for $600.

All of these items, by the way, scream NFL FOOTBALL PLAYER. Yipes. We'd be tempted by the handsome black man too.

Strahan Auction [Millea Brothers Catalog]

(Photo via Bossip)

The artist seems to be making some sort of "statement" — which, proving his status as a true artist, he explicitly describes in the auction — but that won't matter if this is on your wall. All that matters it that it's Michael Vick, riding Barbaro.

Paint another one, dude: We know what we want for Christmas already.

Michael Vick Rides Barbaro [eBay]

Actually, there are two auctions. The first is for the 755th homer; that one's listed at $60,000, with bids at $6,000 increments. (No bids yet.) The second is for the big dog, and it's starting at $100,000. No bids yet for that one either, but hey, they've still got 17 days in the initial bidding process.

We still think he should have thrown it back. God, that would have been amazing.

Bonds' 755th Homer [The Road To History]

Murphy, ever the entrepreneur, i selling that ketchup-stained Jose Reyes jersey he was wearing. Current price is 100 bucks.

This is the real Jersey I wore at the Giants game while catching the famous Barry Bonds career 756 ball...I have not washed the jersey. There is a picture of me holding the Jose Reyes jersey that I wore to the game. There are several ketchup stains on the front as well as back illustrated in the pictures from being on the ground of At&t park figthing for the ball. This is the real Jersey, I will be putting the hat that I wore to the game up for bid also. There are a lot of fakes floating around......i promise you this is authentic. For me to autograph the jersey will be at the buyers request.

You haven't washed it? Jeez, sign us up!

Matt Murphy's Jose Reyes Jersey Worn While Catching 756 [eBay]
It Seems Like Matt Murphy Is Going To Sell #756 [100 Percent Injury Rate]

We've been thinking of late, again, about Tim Forneris, the old Cardinals groundskeeper who gave the ball back to Mark McGwire after he hit his 62nd homer in 1998. At the time, it seemed like the most logical thing in the world to give the ball back; it was seen as a code of honor. Now, of course, it's obvious that honor wasn't returned, and nobody even pretended Murphy would give the ball back to Bonds (who said Murphy should sell it anyway). And he shouldn't; that would be dumb.

But you know what? We haven't heard from Forneris in recent years ... but we bet he doesn't regret giving the ball back at all. Just a hunch. It still, in spite of everything that has happened since then, seems like the right thing to do.

eBay Asks Matt Murphy To List Barry Bonds' 756th Home Run Ball On... eBay [beRecruited SportsWrap]
Big Mac's Big Night [New York Times]

(UPDATE: Way to go, Post-Dispatch. The St. Louis paper catches up with Forneris ...)

At "Vintage Authentics," some auction site we've never heard of, you can buy a prescription bottle for Mark Gastineau. To quote:

This original personal prescription bottle for Floricet was prescribed to former NY Jets defensive end Mark Gastineau with his name and address appearing on the bottle. Floricet is a medication used to relieve complex tension headaches.

Bidding is stalled at $25. We cannot figure out if that's a good price or not.

Lot 206: Mark Gastineau Prescription Bottle [Vintage Authentics]

Currently up for auction on Events.org: A urinal signed by every member of the Chicago Cubs.

We can't quite make out all the signatures, so we can't tell if Michael Barrett was still around when everybody brought out their blue magic markers. But if he was, we're pretty sure this has been used.

Clubhouse Urinal Signed By The Cubs [Events.org]

This seems like a dramatically missed opportunity. The Smittblog has a few more useful suggestions for what fans would really want to bid on.

• See How Long Can You Spend With Skip Bayless Before Punching Him In The Throat.
• Get A Tour of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory From Quint Kessenich.
• Watch The Monday Night Opener With Joe Theismann.

That last one sounds really, really fun.

ESPN Really Missed The Boat With Their V Foundation Auction Items [The Smittblog]

You can guy a piece of 30-year-old chewed gum straight from the mouth of Pete Rose. Amazingly, it's not actually Pete who's selling it, though this probably gonna give him some ideas.

you are bidding on a ONE OF A KIND lot!!! All the items for one price! First you will receive a piece of chewing gum thrown by Pete in disgust after a strikeout in a loss to the St. Louis Cardinals on 8/31/1975. The gum was thrown toward the dugout and stuck to the top wall where it was retrieved by my grandfather and stored for over 30 years. The gum is as hard as a rock but in original chewed condition.

It occurs to us that this piece of gum is exactly 40 days older than we are.

Pete Rose Game Used Chewed Gum [eBay] (via The Lefty)

Officially, it's Maker's Mark, which is officially bourbon, we suppose. (It's the Dewar's of bourbon!) And it's being sold on eBay right now, for $99, with $15 shipping, which is also a lot.

It is not yet known if any part of Barbaro is actually in the bourbon, but there's really only one way to find out. Drink it, and then see if you are stronger, more powerful, possessing the ability to fly.

We can't quite read what that plaque says, but if it doesn't end in "Affirmed," we don't want any.

Maker's Mark Barbaro Kentucky Derby Bottle [eBay]

Because, so far, no one has yet to bid on Brian Urlacher's jock strap.

This auction is for an Authentic Used Brian Urlacher Athletic Supporter. The item is in used condition and has a tear in back strap from use. The item was obtained by myself as a locker room attendee. My duties included handling the teams gear, this item was discarded and replaced, and was worn during the first half of Super bowl XLI.

Tear in back strap from use. Of course. We're not quite sure why this would cost 25 bucks to ship, but hey, what do we know? We suspect Michael Flatley's costs less.

Brian Urlacher Athletic Supporter - Chicago Bears [eBay]

The reserve has not yet been met; bidding is currently stuck on $28,100, with the auction scheduled to end on May 13. It's a 2004 GMC Yukon, though apparently you don't get that dog as part of the deal.

Roethlisberger is famous for his big motorcycle mishap last year, but the truck appears to be in good enough shape. Though we wonder if there are some concussion-related dings; we imagine Big Ben occasionally trying to signal left turns with the windshield wiper.

2004 GMC : Yukon DENALI [eBay]
Buy Big Ben's Ride [Mondesi's House]

Hence, former Steelers coach Bill Cowher's charity auction of crap. Mondesi's House points out some of the stellar merchandise, including a "27-inch Panasonic TV and VCR set." Sure, you'll never have any need for either one of these, ever, but Bill Cowher once owned it!

Going Once, Going Twice...Chin! I Mean, Sold! [Mondesi's House]

"438-Pound Beekeeper From Wisconsin Does The Unthinkable For Charity..." Vows To Lose 100 Pounds... And Conquer the Most-Physically Demanding Marathon in the World... With ONLY 3 Months of Training!

If Jacob doesn't finish the marathon, the winning bidder can place ANY tattoo on Jacob's back of his or her choosing (provided it doesn't classify as hate speech). This is a very large man and will be great for publicity.

We think the part we love the most is that he's a beekeeper; that's a random touch that somehow seems perfect. Anyway, no one has met the bid yet, and his site shows he's training, so time's running out. Patriots Day is in 11 days, after all.

438 lb. Man Running Boston Marathon For Cancer Charity [eBay]
What Would Jacob Do?

Right now, you too can buy your very own Nebrask 1996 Fiesta Bowl jockstrap. And boy, does the seller ever do an outstanding job of hyping it.

Over the years we have mentioned that players receive many gifts and are well taken care of while playing at a major college, Not just Nebraska, but many of the major colleges give the players many items and when a team goes to a bowl game, players get many gifts, I have also said in the past that the Nebraska players get so many items - that they get items right down to their jock strap.

And of course, we have had people email us and tell us to stop exaggerating about the JOCK STRAP. Well, we were not exaggerating, we were telling the honest to goodness TRUTH. And, to prove our point WE ARE OFFERING AN AUTHENTIC NEBRASKA JOCK STRAP FROM THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.

All right, all right, we believe you, now stop it. Bidding is currently stuck at ... a penny. Imagine that.

NEBRASKA 1996 FIESTA BOWL PLAYERS GIFT GAME JOCK STRAP [eBay]

This seems a little off to us; a Shoeless Joe bat should probably be sold by Christie's or something, in one of those fancy auctions where people wearing cute animals around their necks hold up little wooden paddles with numbers on them. eBay is where we can buy out-of-print Traveling Wilburys albums and Tony Romo figurines.

Regardless: The Shoeless Joe bat could be yours, at this very second, for a mere $40,000. Frankly, that seems almost cheap, but when you have something as rare as a Shoeless Joe bat, we're not entirely comfortable with the "free FedEx shipping!" advertisement.

Shoeless Joe Jackson Game Used Bat Black Sox 1917-1921 [eBay]
[Sports Review Magazine]

This is pretty much what you think it is: A "full-size" sculpture of Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho ... as a regal white horse. It's currently up for bid on eBay, and the price is right too: Only $25,000! (With $2,500 more to ship.)

Not a bad deal. This seems as good a time as any for a "grow, hoof, grow."

Ronaldinio, football star, sculptured as a white horse [eBay]

On MLB Auctions right now, you can bid on the opportunity to bring your loved one some sausages. "You'll have the Famous Klement's Racing Sausages visit your spouse or significant other at their home or place of work to deliver a Valentine's present. We'll also include four Club Level tickets to see the Brewers play a game of your choice during the April 18-22 homestand at Miller Park." Currently, though, there are no bids — the opening bid is $650 — and we think we know why: The chorizo is not included. No Valentine's Day is ever complete without the chorizo.

Serenade Your Sweetie With Sausages [MLB Auctions]
Welcome, Chorizo! [Deadspin]

Meet the Champ! The winner (the highest bidder**) of this classic and pristine automobile with only 8,307 miles will be invited to meet Mr. Holyfield on his 200-acre estate property for the delivery of the vehicle. Autographed photos of Mr. Holyfield and the winner will also be taken at the time of delivery and sent to the winner.

So, how much is this car gonna cost? Oh, only ... one million dollars. Yow. The good news: You could probably take the keys and just not pay; Evander probably won't remember anyway.

1997 Bentley ContinentalT [eBay]

WILDCARD PLAYOFF EDITION !! NOT A WIN BUT THANKS FOR THE GREAT SEASON !! THIS IS A CUSTOM made 6 INCH FIGURE OF THE DALLAS QB TONY ROMO AS TACKLED AT THE GOALINE AFTER THE MISSED SNAP! THIS FIGURE WILL COME IN A PROTECTIVE CASE, WITH GREAT LOOKING CUSTOM MADE PLAYOFF INSERTS !! WITH WILDCARD PLAYOFF SPECIAL !! THANKS FOR LOOKING GO COWBOYS !! CHECK OUT MY OTHER COWBOY AUCTIONS THANKS! I AM NOWAY AFFILLATED WITH MCFARLANE THE NFL THE NFLPA THE DALLAS COWBOYS OR TONY ROMO THANKS.

The full collection of photos for this auction is brutal to behold; currently, it's only $21.50, and bids are open until Sunday.

DALLAS TONY ROMO CUSTOM MCFARLANE NFL PLAYOFFS JERSEY [eBay]

That's right, folks, for a mere $500, you too can own a helmet that Beltran used during the NLCS against the St. Louis Cardinals. (No bids as of yet.) The auction doesn't list what specific game Beltran wore the helmet for. Could be Game 1, when his homer off Jeff Weaver game the Mets a 1-0 series lead. Could be Game 4, when he hit two homers to help the Mets to a 12-5 victory, evening the series.

We know, however, that it's not Game 7, because there is no bat attached to the helmet. We suspect that, if it were that helmet, they would say so, and someone out there would pay a helluva lot more than $500.

Carlos Beltran #15 2006 NLCS Game Used Blue Batting Helmet (Right) [MLB Auctions]

Currently up for bid on MLB's site: an hat actually worn by famously injured Yankees "pitcher" Carl Pavano that was used in, like, a real game. Last year even! Seriously: Carl Pavano wore a hat during a game last year, and it didn't squeeze his skull so much that his headaches made it too difficult to lift his right arm.

We appreciate the cap's seller pointing out that "Pavano wore this hat during at least one live Major League Baseball game durnig (sic) the 2006 season." Because we didn't believe it either.

The hat is currently $100 on the auction, or $39.95 million for four years.

Carl Pavano #45 2006 Game Used Cap [MLB Auctions]

I have a Tiger Towel and I'm ready to cheer on the Good Ole Boys. I live in Trenton Michigan and I hope to find someone or a group to go with. Anyone with access to tickets that would like me as a companion please write me now. I'm pretty funny and can keep up with the crowd. Let's Go Tigers!!!! I'm available as a designated driver under the proper circumstance as well. If you want a lady on your arm who will appreciate your generosity, I'm your girl! ... I am a single woman who is self employed and highly respectable but in no way uptight. ... I want to party at the best event in my town and I want in the game so I'm up for bid. I'm 5'4 and a size 5, I look great in all kinds of Tiger apparel

It's unusual to see an ad like this on eBay rather than Craig's List, which is what gives it much of its charm. Though we still find the notion of trying to get someone to pay you to give you tickets ... well, when the World Series is in Detroit, one must leave no stone unturned.

Detroit Tigers World Series Game Ticket Companion Date [eBay]

Sometimes, we see an eBay auction that we suspect has a little more backstory than we necessarily want to know about.

Apparently, a friend of the Absolutely Not Dead Jaleel White, the creative thespian behind the "Urkel" character that delighted several, perhaps even a dozen, people in the mid-90s, was given an old Clippers jersey with "Urkel" on the back from his pal, and now he's selling it on eBay.

He's making no secret of his connection to the not-dead Urkel: "This is a authentic clippers NBA jersey which belonged to Steve Urkel from the show "Family Matters". It was given to him directly from the Clippers.He is a friend of mine,and he gave it to me because i am a big clippers fan, and now i have decided to sell it. This jersey is authentic and not a fake. If you have any questions Please E-mail me."

Bidding starts at $130 ... and, amazingly, that's where it's stuck right now.

Authentic Clippers NBA Steve Urkel Jersey!!! [eBay]

Apparently, Sports Blog Nation is paying its writers pretty well; $152.50 is a pretty steep price for a dress, even one that possibly contains Lima DNA. The auction winner, Adam Morris, says he will "get the dress, and an 8" X 10" photo of the famous picture, with an inscription and autograph from Melissa Lima." Yep: He actually will be able to request what Mrs. Lima will write. We suspect you might have some recommendations.

I Won The Melissa Lima Dress! [Lone Star Ball]
Obviously The Breasts Are Sold Separately [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: We just contacted Morris for comment. Lone Star Ball is proud to have acquired this historic piece of memorabilia. Now, I just have to figure out a way to get my wife to let me keep it." Good luck, sir.)

The seller makes no explanation of how he came across the dress, and we're a bit too timid to ask, ourselves. The current price is $147.50, which, while expensive, seems somewhat reasonable, unless you consider the uncomfortable possibility of its possession of Jose Lima DNA.

You have until noon Pacific time next Wednesday to bid, so, you know, time's a-wasting.

Melissa Lima Famous Brown Dress [eBay]

You have but 10 hours to bid on a visit with Stephen A. and Brandon Tierney in November at the ESPN Zone. The proceeds go to The Jimmy V Foundation, which is good, because donating the money to a good cause is really the only reason anyone would spend it here. But not only do you get to shake Stephen A.'s hand; you also get tickets to a taping — which you can get for free in Penn Station this exact second — lunch for two at the ESPN Zone and two tickets to something called the "First Annual NY Sports Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony."

Three bids already. Up to $581. Yep.

Stephen A. Smith Quite Frankly ESPN Zone NY Experience [eBay]
Audience Panhandling At Quite Frankly [Deadspin]

According to the eBay site, "this particular ring was given to an employee of the front office and comes with the elegant display box that is beautifully designed to house the ring." How much is it going for, you ask? Well, opening bid is ... $150,000. But don't worry: If you don't want to tell with the nittering nabobs of online auctioneers, you can buy the ring right now for $500,000.

The ring size is 10.5, which eliminates the tiny, feminine fingers of Theo Epstein. Pool your pennies, kids.

2004 MLB Boston Red Sox World Series Championship Ring [eBay]

(UPDATE: The attempts for the seller to remain "anonymous" don't appear to have been successful. Some rudimentary Web work reveals the seller changed his name to "nodarkside" from "vcruz2345" last week. Victor Cruz, who works in Player Development, seems a pretty likely suspect.)

The seller is taking no chances that he will be accused a huckster. He claims to include a DVD that verifies, without a shadow of a doubt, that his hot dog was the first hot dog, bought at the minor-league exhibition game last week. Imagine if you had the first hot dog ever purchased at old Sportsman's Park or the old Busch Stadium! That would be an amazing piece of Cardinals' history. The hot dog is currently wrapped in one sheet of freezer paper, three layers of plastic wrap, and two layers of tin foil and is in my freezer to keep it from molding. Hot dog will be shipped frozen.

We probably don't even need to point this out, since you already knew: 56 bids pumped the price up to $270, the final, winning bid.

1st Hot Dog Sold @ Cardinals Tickets NEW Busch Stadium [eBay]

But, alas, there it is, apparently, shining and glowing in all its 14 karat-gold, 44-grams glory.

We don't know much about Wetteland's post-baseball career — as we mentioned the other day, he was a former Satanist sympathizer before becoming a born-again Christian — and we don't know if he originally sold the ring to the vendor, or even if it's the actual ring. But a World Series hero selling his ring? A Yankees World Series hero selling his ring?

To steal a line, good thing George Steinbrenner isn't alive to see this.

96 Authentic NY Yankees World Series Championship Ring [eBay]

The poster claims it has Tellem's BlackBerry and countless numbers, addresses and emails of major professional athletes. Tellem's clients include Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Giambi and Jermaine O'Neal; we think he likes players who aren't injured too, actually.

Actually, it has been a busy week for Tellem; he just quit as SFX Sports Group chairman and sold his company to Wasserman Media Group. You wouldn't think that maybe this whole BlackBerry-on-eBay business might have anything to do with that, would you? Naww .....

Tellem Quits SFX [SportBusiness]

The actual points scored in all of the NBA games played through the entire season build up in a hole in my basement. They flow in through tubes in liquid form. And to be honest, it's a pain in the ass pumping that hole out every day. So when I heard Kobe Bryant scored 81 points in one game, I was kinda pissed. I never liked Kobe Bryant, but now I had to pump his 81 points out of my basement.

By the way: Bidding is at $2,025.00, and you still have nine days left to bid. No, seriously.

Kobe Bryant's 81 Points, In A Jar, In Liquid Form [eBay]

That's pretty much it: He'll take two seats, any two seats, in any section (as long as they're together), and he'll beat the piss out of his Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra. The option for you to destroy the car yourself appears to be available as well, which is considerate, we think.

SUPERBOWL TICKETS!!! Any seats any section!! [eBay]