* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

11:22 — Much like their in-state brethren, UB students can now Photoshop "Ball State 12-1" t-shirts.

Okay, that's too bad for Ball State, but Buffalo ripped the heartwarming storyline from the vena cava of SportsCenter's teleprompter and made it their own. That's how it's done in the MAC. Way to go, Bulls.

And way to go, me. I just did three MAC football games in a row and nobody noticed. Thanks everyone!

11:20 — Turner Gill, what do you think? "Speechless ... ... ... speechless." Rob Stone asks a pressing follow-up question and gets less silence.

11:20 — Gatorade big gulps for everyone.

11:19 — Finish the game off, defense. You basically got half the points anyway. An interception in the endzone puts the inevitable dagger in the breast of the Cardinals. That's a bird part, right?

11:16 — UB's mantra before the game: "Kill the giant and the dark one, leave the third for questioning."

11:13 — Starks ends up scoring. THAT's how you pour it on. Actually, this is an acceptable answer to pouring it on:

24 42

11:11 — James Starks runs the sucker almost into the endzone. They'll get the lackadaisical goal-line formation. "Don't want us to score? 'Scoo with me. Want us to score? Fine with us."

11:08 — Well, that onside attempt will basically put Ball State's comeback hopes into a catatonic coma. Buffalo ball.

11:06 — Continuing with the Christopher Guest motif, the lead is now:

11:03 — Ball State's not going for the field goal, which they need at least that to erase the 18-point deficit. Naw, they'll go for it on 4th and 4 and just end this game as soon as possi... oh, a touchdown. Well, that works too. Davis finds Louis Johnson for 90% of the work, and Johnson wiggles free of a BlueBull defender for the other 10%.

24 35

10:56 — And now for another Naaman Roosevelt-Christopher Guest parallel. "Well, it's like, how many babies fit the tire? You know, that old joke." Actually that has nothing to do with Naaman Roosevelt's third touchdown catch, but then again Waiting For Guffman isn't very relatable to anything in life. Suddenly it's a goddamn blowout.

17 35

10:55 — Tuffy has tapped into Turner Gill's playbook for Buffalo, and is kind enough to share it with me:

10:50 — You're ... you're kidding me. Another fumble? UB now has the ball in amazing field position. But don't fret. They're not fumbles. They're:

10:49 — Spielman insists that Ball State can take advantage because the defense is tired. Just as a UB defender stuffs the wideout just short of the first down. Yeah. He seems winded.

10:45 — Thermilus fails to make the 1st down, but doesn't fail to make a great name for a Roman Empire plumbing company.

10:42 — Well, slap me silly. The Cardinals go for it on 4th and 7 on the 38-yard line. Surely he'll make something happen! He smartly avoids the throw and finds the sack. Big momentum pendulum-type swing for the Buffalo Bulls.

10:40 — Chris Spielman is saying Ball State, 11 points down, has a little bit of an advantage right now. Much like when William Wallace's guys were winning when they were getting fucking SHOT WITH ARROWS.

"Hold ... HOLD ... HOLD!!!"

10:39 — BCS conferences are now called AQ conferences? When was this?

Third Quarter

10:33 — Ball State has the ball back, and to their credit snapped it correctly to end the quarter.

10:28 — I wasn't aware I had DVR on my cable box, but there it is. Freak fumble recovery turns Buffalo's way, leads to long recovery touchdown. Sign in the stands: "ESPN ♥ UB." Well, yes. Now.

17 28

10:26 — Incompletion? No sweat. Let's just run to the first down. Nate Davis, you sly walrus you.

10:23 — Nate Davis gets pressured, so he throws it away ... into the hands of Briggs Orsbon for a long 1st down play. OR WAS IT ACTUALLY THROWN AWAY? They're reviewing to see if it touched the ground. And yes, it was just a smelly incomplete pass. Way to throw it horribly, Nate Davis. No NFL for you.

10:21 — Rob Stone gets an interview with Rick Chryst and lets him off the hook on blowing a Ball State-Boise State matchup. He says he's all about the best game possible. He sure is! He wants Notre Dame to come in. He sure has an eyeball for quality opponents!

10:19 — A list of all bowl eligible teams. Bowling Green is 6-6, and therefore bowl eligible. You'd think!

10:13 — Nate Davis is creatin'. He's improvisin'. He's jumpin'. He's ... POP. A helmet-to-football collision spins this game around like a dreidel, because, see, Hanukkah is sometime this month. Buffalo's Mike Newton, the worst tasting cookie in history, returns the magic rock about 95 yards or so for the gravity-reversing touchdown. Finally, ESPN has a highlight they can show.

17 21

10:11 — Senior Citizen Card Game Update:

10:09 — MiQuale runs to the pylon, but is spotted at the one. Perhaps if he was named MiQuayle, his silent "e" would have extended him far enough to score the six.

10:08 — By the way, "Willy" is a euphemism for male genitals.

10:07 — Willy slips and Willy drops his ball to the ground. The Cardinals fall on Willy's ball.

10:06 — Chris Spielman just channeled 1/3 of Yoda's strength. "Trust your training, young man!" No, that was a perfectly ordered sentence. Never mind.

10:05 — David Letterbettis is from Balltroit.

10:04 — Wait. Detroit has an outdoor skating rink? Did someone get a promotion after that idea?

9:59 — All this talk of minority candidates made me forget that Ball State had the football and was moving it in a positive direction such that MiQuale Lewis was able to feather his way into the end zone. Feather. Quale. Bird.

17 14

9:55 — Sean McDonough now advocates the Rooney Rule for NCAA schools, because Sylvester Croom and Tyrone Willingham were both horrible at their professions. I can really see college football implementing something like this, because they are known for embracing radical concepts like playoffs and salaries.

9:53 — "Nuggnuts." Hmm. Clearly I haven't done enough to stop this word from spreading.

9:51 — Harlan Pepper, would you stop Naaman nuts? Naaman Roosevelt scampers down the sideline like a white, all natural white, macadamia nut for the go-ahead touchdown.

10 14

9:50 — And now for a fourth down play. They're on the Ballsy 44-yard line ... yep, they snuck through the line. Plus, the Cardinals were offsides. Also, the referees like Buffalo. Plus, Mike Brey's son. Need any other reasons? Morton Kondracke!

9:47 — James Starks eludes three robin-sized birds for something like a 20-yard gain. [the sound a bull makes]

9:45 — Buffalo starts with the ball. In case you're confused, Ball State is the team you want to win. Buffalo is the team you really want to win.

9:44 — And we're back, $11,600 in fake assets later.

Halftime Entertainment Video Flash Game

Online Plinko. You're so welcome.

Second Quarter

9:23 — That's the deepest touchback I've ever seen in my life ... oh, they were trying for the field goal. That gives Ball State the halftime lead.

10 7

9:21 — Well, they made it into reasonable field goal position. Which means it's time to punt the ball.

9:17 — No, don't use your three timeouts to try and get into field goal position. Just run draws and screen passes. There you go.

9:16 — A walk is as good as a hit, and a fumble is just as good as a punt, only better. The Cardinals have a chance to tweet the ball back the other way.

9:16 — Hey, it might not end up tied. Willy's finding some soft, cancerous holes in the Ball State prevent and moving the ball toward midfield. There's about a minute left.

9:13 — 4th down and 7. You're not in field goal range. Do you: a) punt the ball and not risk scoring points and taking the lead.

9:09 — Natedavisbenroethlisbergerchadpennington. Etymology: Bristolian. Can you use it in a sentence? "My fantasy team is so awesome, I just drafted Natedavisbenroethlisbergerchadpennington and Willismcgaheeclintonportisdevinhester."

9:08 — The ESPN booth was given concessions in little cardboard trays. Steak and fries? And yet they could have just ordered fried chicken so easily.

9:04 — Now that was a solid punt. Knocked the Ball State returner flat on his ass. That's the kind of punt that motivates a team to ... punt better.

9:02 — You're fucking kidding me. Chris Spielman asks Mike Brey what things in football and basketball are the same. What's ... I ... the ... [brain melts]

9:00 — An interview with ... Notre Dame basketball Mike Brey. That one threw me for a loop. (The connection is that his son Kyle is a tight end for Buffalo.) Too bad they didn't ask him who has more heart: Kyle Brey or Luke Harangody?

8:56 — MiQuale? Man!

7 7

8:53 — Onomatopoeic wideout Daniel Ifft gets his helmet rung by a Buffalo defender's helmet, and the line will move 15 yards toward undefeatedness.

8:51 — Ah, there's the Ball State offense that's able to convert on 3rd and short. It didn't go to Auburn quite yet.

8:47 — Anything you can punt I can punt better, I can punt anything better than you. (No you can't, yes you can, et cetera.)

8:46 — Nobody can catch Willy. Willy's just hanging out there outside the pocket, and nobody wants to touch him. He finally throws it out of bounds. Willy.

8:43 — Brandon Thermilus runs for 15 yards. "Thermilus" seems like one of those unabridged dictionary words that home-schooled prodigies know how to spell.

8:42 — Things Ball State has in common with Florida, Alabama, Boise State, and Oklahoma: amount of time in which they trailed. Also: a couple of those teams have variants of the color red on their jersey. That's about it.

8:41 — So that wasn't a fair catch either. The returner half-assed it, or was a big white baby for not wanting to get tackled. Nice to see the MAC was able to find XFL referees on such short notice.

8:40 — Producer to camerman: "Look, we can't pan the stands. Nobody's there. Just ... just shoot the ceiling or something. It's remotely interesting."

First Quarter

Sumbitch. The first quarter ends with QualeMan getting snuffled up well behind the line of scrimmage on a 3rd and 1 toss. UB as surprised as IB.

8:35 — MiQuale Lewis rushes for several yards. "He's built like a Volkswagen Bug." DUDE, NO FOREIGN CAR METAPHORS IN DETROIT PLEASE.

8:34 — BREAKING NEWS. Greg Maddux is retiring? So young? Guess they ran out of California teams he would accept trades to.

8:31 — Naaman R. Oosevelt. Sounds like a typical bastard. He catches a first and goal-setting-up ball-type-thing, then runs the fade route and collects the first points of the game.

0 7

8:29 — Back off, punters. You've had your fun. A goofy center-quarterback exchange results in Nate Davis taking a football to the groin! Hans Moleman Raphael Akobundu makes the recovery.

8:26 — We're 11 minutes in. It's a punt-off!

8:24 — "They had a seven year stretch where they won just 10 games." Personally I think seven wins in five years is more depressing, because you get to throw in a monster three-win season into the stat.

8:23 — Buffalo fans got to the stadium three minutes before kickoff? If you remember, last week Western Michigan had bus problems getting to their game against Ball State. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that Cardinals' opponents are having bad luck with mass transit. Don't look into it at all.

8:19 — The high flying Ball State offense is in full display. Three and out, so share the ball, Brady Hoke. Buffalo wants it now.

8:18 — Life imitates Detroit: someone briefly stole my headline and put my live blog on cinder blocks. A claim has already been filed.

8:15 — UB punts, Ball State goes for a return but the referees decide he probably called a fair catch and blows it dead. The analyst says the fair catch is waved off if the ball bounces on the ground. He's confused. I'm confused. The crowd falls deathly silen... oh.

8:14 — Oh, there are the fans. All bunched into three sections. At halftime they'll re-enact the famous Schoolhouse Rock music video "Elbow Room."

8:13 — Naaman Roosevelt gets his first catch. NAAMAN is also what you have in your hand anytime you lose at Scrabble©.

8:09 — James Starks gets the first touch for Buffalo. He's like John Starks, except that his best dunk was simultaneously over Ulysses S. Grant and Jordin Sparks.

8:05 — We have love for Dante Love, and davis (?) for Nate Davis. But the drive ends a bit farther ahead of where Lions drives end, and Chris Miller's punt pins the Bulls rather far back. Drew Willy will take a bus to Dearborn to begin the offensive series.

8:02 — Oh, my. I should be live blogging this one from the end zone seats. I'd be in the front row. When a PAT destroys my MacBook, you'll think it was a Gawker technical error. It'd be hilarious!

7:59 — ESPN's Rob Stone interviews Ball State coach and Jeff Garlin fan club treasurer Brady Hoke near the tunnel. Behind him are about eight fans in seats. I'm not yet convinced this is a Detroit Lions game in drag.

7:58 — The booth guys: Nate Davis can be an NFL player. So can Buffalo's Drew Willy. So can you!

Pre-Game Babble

Both teams are already going to bowl games. (Note: let the phrase "Buffalo is already guaranteed a bowl game" stew in your head and see if it explodes in the next 60 seconds.) So all that's really at stake in this game is to see if Ball State become the first 13-0 team to play in the Motor City Bowl. Marshall played in the Motor City Bowl with an unblemished 12-0 record, and kicked some Mormon rump with a 21-3 rout of BYU.

Buffalo might as well lose this game, because a win will only increase the chance that Turner Gill leaves and coaches somewhere else. Likewise, Brady Hoke winning this game might raise the chance other schools try and pry him away from Muncie, lest he becomes the new token fact MAC coach, replacing Tom Amstutz, and gets fired in six years.

Record In Deadspin Live Blogs
Ball State: 2-0
Buffalo: 0-1. Oh, wait, that's the Bills. The Bulls are live blog (and winning record) virgins.

Fun Fact Trivia Segment Inspired By Dash's Live Blog

Teams from Indiana and New York are playing tonight. When was the last year a MAC football championship didn't feature at least one team from the state of Ohio?

Tonight's Bingo Card

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

10:13 — Rebelling against the PA announcer was simply more fun. Ball State is 12-0 and will play Buffalo in Ford Field. WMU is 9-3 and the irony is they'll probably get a January bowl game while the Cardinals won't. The two lesser MAC tie-in bowls, the International and the GMAC, are both played in 2009 for some unknown reason, while it's probably going to be Ball State in the Motor City bowl against a shitty Big Ten team. Yay!

All right, enough MAC regular season live blogging for this year. Thanks for putting up with the itch I just had to scratch on this Tuesday night.

10:12 — Hugs and hearty high-fives all around on the Cardinals sideline. The PA announcer doesn't want anyone to rush the field. And I don't blame him. In a state where there's plenty of open spaces, why commune on this one?

10:09 — Not wanting to risk anything with 1:26 left in the game and give BSU great field position, Western punts the ball away.

10:07 — Nice of WMU to put the backup quarterback in, Drew Burdi, so he can be the resident Matt Stairs and get his ass hammered by guys.

10:06 — There's the most salient thing Bentley has said all night. Let's see Ball State and Boise State play each other, since it looks like neither will get a BCS crack.

10:04 — MiQuale has now rushed for more TDs than any other Ball State running back in a single season. The previous record was held by ... uh ... someone?

9:59 — Either every Directional Michigan linebacker has opposable thumbs, or MiQuale Lewis is just that good at eluding tackles. He escapes a sure wrap-up a few yards away of the goalline then skitters around more defenders for six points. This game's gotta be over by now.

22 45

9:56 — Dante Lewis. Not Dante Love. Dante Lewis is probably a human being, but he's not the one you were talking about, Ray Bentley.

9:55 — Did ... did Nate Davis just run one-third the field down the sidelines? Did MiQuale Lewis steal his jersey and put on really tall shoes? Hot damn, he's a good quarterback.

9:52 — While the nation* awaits to see if Darius Hill caught the pass, I saw Hill talking and joking with a WMU defender. This is a huge game for both teams, and one team is certainly in better spirits than the other. How can they joke with each other, or at least be cordial on the field between plays? This is why I could never be a professional athlete, aside from the obvious reasons. I don't even talk to my friends and family members if I'm playing Monopoly and have most of my properties mortgaged.

* - Muncie

9:43 — West scampers in for six, which is magically converted into eight points on a successful pass from Hiller to Nunez. WMU is back in this assuming Nate Davis does his best Chris Rix impression for the last 11 minutes.

22 38

9:41 — Brandon West's run sets up a 1st and goal, and for bonus difficulty, they'll take a false start penalty. For added super double whopper difficulty, they'll add an illegal formation penalty.

9:40 — See below, replace everything with "Simmons gets shellacked by Bryant Haines and somehow keeps all his teeth."

9:38 — See below, replace "Hiller to Simmons" with "Brandon West runs."

9:37 — See below, replace "3rd" with "1st."

9:37 — Hiller to Simmons for, yep, a 3rd and 10 conversion.

9:34 — WMU needs three touchdowns, complete with the 2-point conversion premium TrueCoat™ that they put on at the factory, to tie. But if nothing else Tim Hiller and Jamarko Simmons can get their stats back up to where they should be.

9:30 — Right, like Ozzy's texts are that much clearer than his speech.

Third Quarter

9:26 — And ... punt. ESPN shows the results of their latest poll: "Should Utah be considered for the BCS National Championship game?" All but one state said "No." Guess.

9:23 — Schneider Julien is running around there with two last names, while so many first-name-heavy humans are starved for a surname. His own teammate Caleb Clark, for example, would LOVE to make a trade with Julien, who just danced around tackles for a first down.

9:21 — They're really going to let Tim Hiller play quarterback, aren't they? What bet did he lose?

9:17 — Or that. Hiller throws an INT for TD to Ball State cornerback Trey Lewis. Youch.

14 38

9:16 — Really, though. Tim Hiller is good at football. Don't let the ball slipping out of his hand a microcosm of the oeuvre of his total work.

9:15 — Elsewhere in the MAC: Northern Illinois trails Navy 16-0. Woof. Total passing plays by Navy: one.

9:13 — How meritocratic of that TomTom commercial: "$100 doesn't go as far as it used to." I know! Who do you have to blow to get a decent limo driver these days?

9:10 — Davis pumps up the crowd (or does non-jumping jumping jacks. It's hard to tell from this vantage) then feeds it to 3'4" MiQuale Lewis for a touchdown and a commanding lead.

14 31

9:09 — Oh, and Darius Hill is good too. First and goal.

9:07 — Briggs Orsbon brings in a big 3rd and 10 catch. Orsbon sounds like a corporation that did a lot of mysterious things in the 1950s to make white suburban life easier.

9:06 — Ball State has a 32-year-old U.S. Marine on their team. Brandon Crawford gets up at 4:30 a.m. every morning. He's a junior. He probably wakes up to tuck in his teammates goodnight at 4:30 a.m.

9:03 — Tim HIller. I haven't mention the other quarterback in this game yet. But there he is, falling down as he hands off to Winchester to convert a 3rd and short. Hiller follows that up by throwing a deep ball that bounces off a Cardinal defender, then loses 13 yards on a sack. I'm pretty sure he's not nearly as bad as the last progression of plays make him out to be.

9:01 — Probably not the best idea inside the 10-yard line to get a false start.

8:57 — Well, he won't be asking Briggs Orsbon to the HMP. His speeding missile of a throw wicks off his raised hands and the Cardinals have to punt. Nice kick, though, as it lands on the 3-yard line.

8:55 — MiQUALE MAN puts about 30 yards of field ahead of him in his front pocket. Also, Nate Davis throws a downfield block. The four-year man crush I've had on Nate Davis is finally paying off. I just hope he remembers me when he's looking for a date to the Heterosexual Man Prom.

8:53 — Aaron Winchester is good, but not "continuing the drive past a few first downs" good. Punt.

8:49 — M"kay, WMU. Don't make this game a repeat of last night's Packers-Saints game. Let's get a 4-OT duel underway. I don't ask for much.

Halftime Entertainment Video

Joe Montana, Buster Douglas and Pat Riley can agree about how many bits a video game console system should have. Eight isn't enough!

Second Quarter

8:27 — It's a video game-style offensive push with 23 seconds left. ...wait, they just run the ball out and decide it's coo' to have a 10-point deficit. End of half.

8:24 — Scrambled eggs all over my face. What is a Bronco to do? Nate Davis runs six yards into the endzone. "Nate Davis does what Western Michigan's buses couldn't do, and that's get through traffic." Somewhere, a Kalamazoo-area charter bus driver throws his bottle of Miller Lite at the TV.

14 24

8:22 — Not a great sign for WMU's defense when the tight end gets behind the secondary. Darius HIll receives Davis's throw and drags a defender to the 5-yard line.

8:19 — Ball State put their offense back on the field rather quickly. Did they go out of turn? Davis scrambles out of bounds and the Cardinals have 42 yards and less than 90 seconds in the half.

8:16 — And yes, there's mention of the double-overtime win Buffalo had over Bowling Green on Friday night. They failed to mention the BGSU coach mad at his own fanbase for being "pitiful" for not freezing their asses off on a Friday night to see a home loss. Yes, damn their fans!

8:14 — Yeah, Letterman should have been the free space.

8:12 — Perhaps it was not a good idea to coin the word "Nuggnut" in a McDonald's campaign. Especially if you leave out former innuendo-laden hockey goalie Ron Tugnutt.

8:10 — A team can only convert so many 3rd and teens before they bring out the kickin' game. Ian McGarvey converts the field goal to give his team a 3-point McLead.

14 17

8:08 — Nate Davis runs for a first down and a lot of bonus yards. But WILL HE FLOAT?

8:06 — It's Muncie's answer to Wes Welker. Briggs Orsbon dives and catches the 3rd and long pass.

8:04 — BJ Hill might've had the most acrobatic and impressive kickoff return in college football this year that only wound up putting the ball on the 30-yard line.

8:00 — Coffee magnate Juan Nunez scores a touchdown on the infield fly rule, and hey, maybe this will be a close game after all.

14 14

7:59 — Yes, Jamarko Simmons made a great one-on-one play to set up first and goal ... but what kind of star WR number is 27?

7:52 — WMU's "two quarterback" formation winds up with other-QB Drew Burdi running the ball for 9 yards and one under par.

7:50 — BSU begins with a punt, and Western returner E.J. Biggers loses oodles of yards by stepping outta bounds accidentally. Heh. "Biggers."

7:47 — Oh, look, the commercial where the guy sneak-pulls a Heineken out of the wrapping paper. How often can we re-gift this ad?

First Quarter

7:45 — The chirpin' Cardinals, trying to bring the lead back to 14, instead let a WMU defender fling Cory Sykes down to the ground for a big loss.

7:42 — Hiller laterals it to backup QB Drew Burdi, who lobs it to Schneider Julien.

Also, please punch a hole through "trickeration." Twice, technically.

7 14

7:38 — Well, that's modestly hopeful. Brandon West returns the kickoff to the 40something line, but unlike most other fortysomething results, he will not have a mid-life crisis and try to take up surfing.

7:34 — And good thing they kept the ball, because Davis chucks it to Louis Johnson for about a 40-yard touchdown reception. Bentley: Johnson "runs unmolested down the field." Ah, schoolboy memories.

0 14

7:33 — Ball State really is the new Toledo. Brady Hoke lets his team run the ball on 4th and 1, and they convert.

7:31 — Much like last week, Sean Baker enjoys intercepting directional Michigan quarterbacks. Hiller forced it and Ball State takes over at midfield.

7:28 — Many ESPN commenters are cheering for Ball State and Western Michigan. Some misunderstood the question and are rooting for Alabama or Auburn.

7:23 — MiQUALE! MAN!

0 7

7:22 — WMU still refuses to guard #81, Johnson, in the secondary. Because that's just what they'd be expecting them to do.

7:20 — Davis to Louis Johnson. I'm sensing a theme. "Davis should register his arm as a lethal weapon." Haven't they made enough of those films?

7:17 — Footage of Western Michigan buses getting to the stadium 40 minutes late, because of accidents on I-69. You never want to have an accident on 69.

7:15 — QBs on display my foot. These punters ROCK!

7:13 — There's something remarkably unsettling with the name "Trey Buice." Is that a Gaelic greeting?

7:11 — Nice run by the not-at-all-pretentious-sounding name Aaron Winchester for 19 yards.

7:09 — Not enough Quale-ness for another first down, and WMU will receive the punt and set up the football.

7:07 — So, actual game updates. MiQuale Lewis catches Nate Davis's screen pass and makes some Quale-like moves for the first down. Not to be confused with Quayle-like moves, where he catches a screen passes and puts "E"s on words that don't need them.

7:06 — Also, any comments you leave on ESPN's game thread might make it to the TV screen. Remember. "Gaping hole."

7:03 — Ooh, it's Interactive Tuesday! you can write comments to ESPN and put them on the scrolling marquee at the top. Your goal for the day: get the phrase "gaping hole" into a published comment. "Call 1-800-269-0213 to voice your opinion," it says. Please do.

Pre-Game Babble

Even though last night's Saints win over Green Bay had more scores than an Abraham Lincoln speech, it's getting to the point of the year in which prime-time-scheduled football is not nearly as interesting as mid-majors duking it on on a Tuesday night. And this one actually means something, at least in the fishbowl of a world that is the Mid-American Conference. The winner of this game will play in the MAC Championship game against — hold your laughter — the University at Buffalo. The game will be in Ford Field in a valiant attempt to hold a meaningful game there. Both of these teams are bowl bound, although in all fairness they're also good enough to make the playoffs in the NBA Eastern Conference.

Record In Deadspin Live Blogs
Ball State: 1-0
Western Michigan: It's amazing, after all their tradition and glory, that they haven't been in one yet.

Bingo Card

Today's digitally-mastered bingo card will not be seen tonight, for numerous technical reasons, many which involve Adobe InDesign crashing every time I open it. So as part of last week's Green Week, I have wasted a piece of looseleaf on tonight:

NOTE: If you have trouble reading any of them, don't worry. We're probably not going to make a bingo tonight anyway.

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

10:38 — Abruptly! The broadcast is over. As is my time in this live blog. A hearty Michigan-y thanks to each and every one of you for following along.

10:35 — Wow, I'm really sorry for predicting that one. LeFevour throws a nice, crisp spiral to Sean Baker. Perhaps review will see that Baker's feet were not in bounds, or that they were a drifter's set of feet and his original legs are somewhere in a meadow, which is out of bounds. No? It was a legal INT? Then that's all for this game. Ball State moves to 11-0 and CMU suffers their first conference loss. I hope they both make bowl games, though. Hell of a game. This might've been the most fun football game I've watched since the Super Bowl. Then again I have a short attention span and I always want to nominate the most recent Deadspin post I read for the DSHOF. That's just how I roll. In the now. Carpe diem. Seize the fish.

10:34 — HUGE chunk of razor turf was conquered by a deep ball to Bockheim. The Chips get up and spike the ball.

10:34 — Another completion to Brown, who shakes off someone's wrist and scampers out of bounds.

10:33 — The Mount Pleasanteers who already left the stadium ... RUN BACK INTO KELLY/SHORTS. The pass was ruled incomplete. Get back in time for the next interception, perhaps! But this pass was complete to Poblah and he gets out of bounds. 53 seconds left.

10:29 — Oh, that LeFevour, he always makes something happen. He'll get them down there and make this interes... or he'll throw an interception on the first play. Alex Knipp dives and snags the pick. OR PERHAPS I TOLD YOU THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT HAPPENED. Replays indicate a strong chance that the nub landed on the Dashboard Confessional-inspired razor turf. Caring is for the weak. Why even get out of bed?

10:28 — Antonio Brown, this is your CHANCE TO MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. And he successfully runs over his own teammate before falling to the turf near the 15-yard line.

10:26 — About nine Chippewas defenders circle around MiQuale Lewis to stop him on third down, and commence the dreaded tickle torture. CMU will get the ball back with about 60 seconds of bliss.

10:23 — Ray Bentley says "irregardless." The grammar Führer in me wants me to use that word in a future bingo square. It's now in the mental lockbox.

10:23 — So begins the "run short distance, call time out" battle of wits. Maybe Butch Jones will fake the timeout. Y'know, to screw with the other team.

10:21 — With under three minutes to go, a 3rd and short might have been stuffed by the CMU line. "I think he's a little bit short." WE GET IT. HE'S MINISCULE IN SIZE AND BIG IN HEA... oh, he's short of the first down. I see what you're saying now. yes, he does look short. But on the measure, he got the football nub past the down marker. Devastatin'.

10:19 — HEY THAT'S NOT A PUNT THAT'S A FAKE. On 4th and 18, a reverse gain of one yard ... wait, let's measure it ... nope, that wasn't enough.

10:18 — Crucial. Vital. Sacked. Puntin' time.

10:16 — Holding call on 2nd and 1? No big deal. LeFevour can instead add to his passing yards by throwing to Poblah for many yards yet again. Everyone wins.

10:13 — In response, CMU will string together a hefty number of LeFevour-induced first downs. That's 25 times they've moved the chain. In comparison, when Oklahoma smooshed Texas A&M 66-28, the Sooners had 29 first downs.

10:09 — Could anyone currently in the household of Deadspin platinum VIP commenter Jerkwheat please remove all sharp objects within a 10-foot radius of our favorite CMU alum?

10:08 — Good job, running back. Now get outta the way, we're gonna pass this one. Briggs Orsbon, a name yanked from the depths of the 1830s, hauls in the TD.

31 24

10:06 — Update: 160 yards on 21 touches. Todd Harris so flustered, he called his colleague Ray Lewis, who is also a football player. Levity!

10:05 — MiQuale Lewis yardage update: 141 on 20 carries.

10:03 — M.Q. has over 100 yards on the ground, so he'll just keep running some more, if that's okay with everyone.

10:02 — Ball State will hand it off to ... MIQUALE! MAN!

10:01 — Okay, seriously, Trey Buice. Stop defending. Points are more fun than pass breakups. Don't make us warn you again. CMU punts it away.

9:57 — Todd Harris discusses the turf. When it's warm it feels great but when it's cold it feels "like little razorblades." Eco friendly? Screw that. MAC football in November: now emo friendly! Hey, we'll take any demographic we can find.

9:54 — The man who spun Johnson around on the play, it should be known, is Tim Brazzel. Brizzle Brazzel Brozzel Brome, time for this one to come home.

9:49 — Hey, lookit. Davis to Louis Johnson makes it tied. Nice tackle there by CMU, though. Actually, we have a couple screenshots of the play:

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9:49 — The ONE time I put Brett Favre off the board, and they compare Davis' overthrown ball to Brett Favre. SERIOUSLY now.

9:48 — Back to Ball State and the tiny, short legs of QualeMan, who is short.

9:44 — Okay, excellent commercial there by GameStop. What really made this work was the "Dead Man Don't Wear Plaid" coffee tactic shtick as the father just kept finding more magazines.

9:41 — Two plays (and less than a minute) later, Tito Poblah is dancing in the end zone with a football in his hands. The Chippewas will be billed fifteen (15) yards for the dance, and $27.99 for a pair of new clogs.

9:41 — Are you Fevourish? The not-at-all-Tim-Tebow quarterback brings it to midfield.

Third Quarter

9:37 — Four fingers in the air. Yes, that is how you'd be drawn if you were an animated character.

9:34 — Sackenbraten. Nate Davis unexpectedly takes a ride to the turf on third down, so let's punt for Jesus. Chris MIller's kick sails and bounces 52 yards.

9:31 — Hold on a sec. The Emergency Alert System is running a test on my TV. Had this been an actual interruption in the live blog you would have been given instructions as to what brand of duct tape to purchase, along with a diagram the most delicious part of the human body. It looks like LeFevour failed to get in the end zone by [takes guess] throwing the ball over his shoulder and out of bounds, hitting the mascot in a hilarious fashion. As the game comes back into my rectangular screen, Monseiur Antagonisté shanks the three point try.

9:30 — Trey Buice didn't get the memo that he's not supposed to make great coverage plays in the end zone. Incompletion.

9:25 — The defenses in this game are like the British House of Lords. Traditionally they exist, but over time their role has diminished. Already CMU has advanced the ball well past midfield after numerous first downs.

9:18 — A landmark moment for onomatopoeia everywhere. Daniel Ifft — who is not a Monty Python recurring character (yet) — runs into the endzone and catches the tying pass.

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9:16 — Nate Davis is taller than MiQuale Lewis and therefore less of a Rudy figure, but runs down the sideline for 22 yards.

9:14 — Brady Hoke does his best Tom Amstutz impression by going for it on 4th and one on their own 40. No idea how MiQuale Lewis extended that far with his knee on the ground, but regardless the drive continues. By the way, I loved Brady Hoke in "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

9:12 — Nate Davis does a pretty good but not perfect impression of LeFevour. Tackle was made by Frank Zombo, who can do anything he wants.

9:09 — Drop the kickoff. Yes, that's a good way to get your team back in it.

9:05 — Sneeeeeeeeeed.

10 17

9:04 — Sean Baker helps CMU by putting on a Ball State uniform and headbutting a Chippewas guy, perhaps taunting him for silly urine-colored uniforms. Half the distance to the goal.

9:03 — Wide Open Man #312 tonight: Kito Poblah, who didn't score simply because he fell over his own petard.

9:01 — And we're back. Ever just lock yourself in the bathroom and just cry for 20 minutes for no reason? Anyways, back to the action! CMU starts off with the ball.

Halftime Entertainment Video

Pssh. Unions.

Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman

Second Quarter

8:38 — Welp, forget about Ball State returning this thing at all. Briggs Orsbon questionably lets the ball graze off his fingertips, then he and his boys run back about 15 yards to pounce on it. Kneel, get up, and warm up those calf muscles.

8:36 — The decision to kneel or go for points ends up leaning toward the "Ask Corso" methodology. Two incompletions and a bad run makes CMU punt and Ball State will get the ball back for about 30 seconds.

8:34 — So, did Ray Bentley just admit to beating the shit out of guys outside of football?

8:30 — The microphone appears to be down gain. Dell technicians are standing by... the water cooler, but they'll answer the phone in about 15 ... minutes ... after Conan.

8:29 — Ray Bentley on the cheerleaders jumping up in down on camera: "You get people in front of a camera, they'll do all kinds of things." Oh, say that again. [zzzip]

8:28 — The tension over a 21-yard field goal has never been chillier. Ian McGarvey, who is in no way a bassist for a prog rock band, nails the three points.

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8:26 — Hmm. On 3rd and 4 inside the 10-yard line, perhaps a run was not the way to go.

8:23 — There's the throw by Davis ... and an impromptu game of hackysack breaks out in the end zone. F'in hippies. Incomplete pass, Ball State calls timeout.

8:21 — MiQuale Lewis is Dustin Pedroia in a football uniform. He's tiny. He needs a phone book so he can stand in the huddle and hear the play. When it rains he's the last to know and first to drown. HE'S SHORT, PEOPLE. Henny Youngman, can you think of any other comparatives? Nate Davis scrambles for a while and finally dumps it to Lewis for a nifty gain of 10 or so yards.

8:19 — Myles Trempe drops the long, wide, Linda Lovelace-caliber pass. Trempe, you can do stupid things!

8:18 — Cory Sykes ran for 16 yards, and was tripped up by defender Bobby Seay. The state of Michigan clearly has a monopoly on athletes named Bobby Seay.

8:17 — On the Ball state kickoff return, I give that a 3.4 out of 10 in football fight severity. It had clear battle lines drawn, but no injuries, a few words, and not enough pushing. You can do better, guys.

8:15 — Aguila ties the damsel in distress to the train tracks for three points. Who shall rescue her?

7 10

8:14 — Geek Squad finally fixed the referee's microphone mid-sentence. Somebody's #66 did something wrong. Well just have to wonder.

8:10 — Quick, throw it to Kito Poblah! Even though Derrick Henry just piledrove him into the ground. That's interfering with the pass, which is cheating. And for good measure, the ball caromed off the back of the Ball State defender's helmet. Koink.

8:07 — I feel like a billionaire landed his helicopter on the field and started throwing out first downs to everyone. Or the MAC commissioner put on a blindfold and hit a piñata, spilling first downs and Bit-O-Honeys onto the field. Everyone's moving the chains quite well tonight. Defense is a warm-blooded critter.

8:05 — Third Down Conversionwich? With kettle chips. LeFevour k'nex with Anderson despite the defensive pass interference call.

8:04 — Please, everyone, do not go watch Pushing Daisies.

8:02 — G-G-G-G SACKWICH. Kashawn Frasar hammers Davis to the ground, and Ball State's penalty doesn't help much. Now for the low sodium, but less delicious puntwich.

8:00 — Davis throws it deep, and the refs can't justify any kind of penalty on CMU, so it goes as an incompletion.

7:57 — Instant Message from this girl I'm seeing:

it's the finale of america's next top model, I feel the need to live blog it ... because of this, I hate you.

This is the effect I have on women. Also, WHADDYA MEAN YOU CAN'T GO OUT TOMORROW!?

7:54 — Joe Bockheim is hurt. BUT HE CAUGHT THE TOUCHDOWN! Also, he's kind of hurt. Nah, he'll hop back up (with the help of two pulling arms) and let the Sinister Viscount Aguila do his sweet, sweet thang for the PAT.

7 7

7:52 — FOURTH AND GUTS. LeFevour sneaks into the gullets of 10 large dudes, which is my kind of a Wednesday night. He pokes the ball past the accurate-not-accurate yellow line for a new set o' downs.

7:51 — That's better than falling down™. LeFevour to Bryan Anderson for eight yards.

First Quarter

7:46 — LeFevour hits the NCAA equivalent of a Mario Kart banana peel and tumbles for about a half-yard gain.

7:46 — Back to back extremely wide open CMU men catch large passes for first downs.

7:43 — So far I must say ESPN is treating this game with the respect it deserves. A 17th-ranked team against an unranked is generally a so-so game on the national radar. But they realize this game is HUGE for both of these teams, and are staying on topic accordingly. Of course, for all I know they have Mike Leach waiting on Line 2 to discuss their game on Saturday in the third quarter.

7:39 — Louis Johnson was extremely open. Nate Davis recognizes. Seven points. Respec'.

7 0

7:38 — MiQuale Lewis does his best Antonio Brown impression of Dan LeFevour. Loss of a bunch.

7:37 — Who says bloggers aren't journalists? The commenters are having a raging discussion on what font the uniforms are using. They'll get their own Sunday column if they can correctly guess what point size the numbers are.

7:33 — Todd Harris: "I'm not sure who's injured because I can't see the number. It could be Sean Murnane but I could be wrong so I won't speculate. Even though I just did." It was Casey Droscha. But that's OK. All white lineman look alike.

7:32 — The referees were reminded that defenses can also commit personal fouls, so they begin the trend with calling a late hit call on CMU. Also, sorry about not calling the mask earlier. Ball State is 22 yards away from a touchdown.

7:30 — Bummerville. MiQuale Lewis's enormous run gets trimmed immensely by a holding call downfield. (That's Ball State's first penalty in four games.) The ball goes back about 20 yards to the further 42-yard line.

7:26 — Oh, Andrew Aguila, that's a tremendous player mug shot you have:

Ha! Never get a 17th century swashbuckling villain as your placekicker. Aguila shanks the field goal, keeping the game nice, scoreless, and tidy (not to mention nipple-crinkling freezing).

7:24 — Antonio Brown does a horrible LeFevour impression. The direct snap loses five yards. Also, he does not roll his R's.

7:24 — "Aw hell, nothing's working. Just keep running it, Dan." "K, coach."

7:22 — The designed "fuck it, just run up the middle" play works for LeFevour for over 10 yards and a first.

7:19 — Gak. Disgusting three-and-out for Ball State. Fitting. Almost karmic.

7:18 — Maybe during the commercial, Butch Jones made a plea bargain with the referees to kick Nate Davis in the testicles.

7:14 — Kenny Meeks was trying to get a sample of LeFevour's cheek cells for his biology project. That or he just yanked on the mask. But the official ruling is: holding on CMU? That's probably the opposite of what happened. Any neck damage done to CMU's quarterback was purely coincidental and/or the result of hypochondriac propaganda.

7:12 — Huddles are for queers and Luxembourgians. CMU will just keep running play after play. Speeding up the game in the no-huddle offense? Good idea. But ... delay of game. Never mind.

7:10 — Ontario Sneed is an impact player for CMU, according to ESPN. That implies they'll actually use him as much as they should. And that, there, is why they won't. LeFevour avoids sacks and sashays through oncoming Muncieans for the first down.

7:09 — I was looking for Dan LeFevour and Tim Tebow, but we have a LeFevour-Vince Young comparison instead. The night is young.

7:08 — So much for bursting out of the gates and flowing strong. The drive became constipated at midfield.

7:06 — Well, that's a start. 24-yard reception from Nate Davis to the wideliest of wide open Darius Hill.

7:05 — See, this is why mid-major games are great. They say 7 p.m., and it kicks off five minutes later. No drawn out pre-game show. The World Series and movie theaters could learn from these kinds of games.

7:04 — Oh wow. CMU has opted for "Vegas gold" uniforms, which is euphemism for "piss yellow." What a bunch of maroons.

7:02 — Todd Harris and Ray Bentley are the messengers tonight in the booths. And there's scenery of the football zamboni plowing midfield to get the snow off. Don Shula can't be happy about that.

7:00 — A montage to the tune of "For Those About To Rock" by AC/DC. I'm rocking, and they're saluting me! For once I feel part of a community now.

Pre-Game Babble

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I've live blogged two NFL games and UNC-Kentucky basketball this week. To this day I have not yet decided why I agreed to that. But of all the events this week, this one tonight excites me the most. Yes, because Ball State is a teeny tiny school with big hopes and dreams of one day shedding its wooden torso and becoming a real football program. But also because, shit, it's MAC football. It's my conference. I didn't go to a Big Ten school so I'm not going to pretend I'm a Big Ten fanboy.

I haven't gotten a chance to see much MAC football this year. Sometimes it wasn't even my fault. While enjoying an overtime game between Akron and Kent State earlier this year, the local cable provider abruptly cut the feed to switchover to the start of the Michigan game. There's not much room in this crazy BCS world for a little boy and his medium-sized conference football. And all it took was the Mid-American folks to sell out and jury rig their schedule to play on prominent nights like Tuesday and Wednesday. We're comin' for ya, Dr. House, you cane-wielding limey poser.

Now to the game. A CMU win guarantees a spot in the MAC championship game, while Ball State needs to win this game and the showdown with Western Michigan next week to sweep the regular season. If they win those two, and the MAC championship against Bowling Green (humor me here), then Ball State will probably play in the BCS Title game against Ohio State. As long as I've gone this far, let me also share that I just made $53,000 on the stock market by investing in a company that makes your penis double in size. SCIENCE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Bingo Card

Well, they've come up with an ingenious idea: Come see some punts! Yep, that's Ball State punter Chris Miller. He's an excellent punter, and the Cardinals would just love to have you tune in to witness his handiwork. We are titillated.

International Bowl Marketing 101: Sell The Special Teams, Sell The Tickets [The Angry T]

He was no longer comfortable around strangers, he was harrassed by telephone into the wee hours of the night, and pretty much went into hiding. People approach him all the time for no other reason than to tell him that he sucks. I would imagine that that would get old.

It's hard not to feel for the guy. He was somehow thrown into a situation he clearly wasn't ready for, and it didn't go well. Hopefully, he'll get to a point eventually where he can look at it and laugh, and perhaps, when forecasting an approaching storm front, work in a line like, "and BOOM goes the thunder."

Anyway, if Brian Collins' life was monkey-wrenched by "Boom goes the dynamite," just imagine what's happening to Mike Cooper. Ouch.

Boom Goes the Internet [Newsradio 620 WTMJ]
See? Highlights Are Harder Than They Look [Deadspin]

Meet Brian Collins. He's a student at Ball State University — or was in April, anyway — and, on a whim, he was thrown into live sports news broadcast. (At least we hope he was thrown into it.) And he, uh, struggles a bit. It is, without a doubt, one of the funniest things we have ever seen. Even if it's seven months old. If you've seen it before, please, delve in and enjoy it again. And if you haven't, boy, are you in for a treat. It's a gift that keeps on giving.

And Brian, if you're out there ... sorry, man.

Boom Goes The Dynamite! [Caffeine And Irony]