Your NFL Season Brownie Point Calculator

Drew Magary’s Balls Deep column runs every Thursday afternoon. Drew’s new book, “Men With Balls,” featuring 100% new material, is available for pre-order here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK.

I’m married with a kid. If you happen to be in a similar predicament, you know that being married with kids acts as a giant Dyson vacuum cleaner on your free time. You have to go to work. You have to commute. You have to run errands. You have to get gas. You have to do chores. You have to pay taxes. You have to do paperwork. You have to do housework. You have to do yardwork. You have to do someotherkindofwork. You have to dress the kid, change the kid, feed the kid, keep the kid occupied, take the kid out, and generally make sure the kid doesn’t go hurtling down the staircase. You have to find three free seconds to go quietly masturbate in the upstairs bathroom.

And at the end of the day, when you’ve finally managed to do all your goddamn shit, just as you’re ready to breathe a sigh of relief and begin the cathartic movement of lowering your ass onto the couch, it is AUTOMATIC that your wife will say to you:

“Wait, before you sit down, can you change the laundry?”

God. Fucking. Dammit.

Brett Favre As A Viking And The Importance Of Your One True Hate

Your Fourth Of July Throwgasm Breakdown

Drew Magary’s Balls Deep column runs every Thursday afternoon. Except this week, due to the holiday. Drew’s new book, “Men With Balls,” featuring 100% new material, is available for pre-order here. You can email Drew here.

Hey, it’s the Fourth of July. You may be using the holiday to take this week off, or to take next week off for your summer break. So let’s break the holiday and your summer vacation down, THROWGASM-STYLE.

Meet Your New Editor(s)

Tiger Woods, Barack Obama, Tim Russert And The Primal Urge To Live Through History

This is BALLS DEEP With Drew Magary (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," featuring 100 percent all-new material, is available here.
You can email him here.

I spent most of this past Father’s Day weekend and all of Monday watching Tiger Woods drag himself to victory at the U.S. Open on a busted leg. Monday’s webcast was, in particular, a joy to watch. The long, interstitial shots of the coast during the TV breaks were oddly soothing. I noticed during the coverage that Dan Hicks and Johnny Miller went to great pains to let the audience know just how big of an underdog Rocco Mediate was. He was old! He was ranked really low! He had a bad back! He was abused by lesbian nuns as a child!

A Special Balls Deep Message To The Class Of 2008

This is BALLS DEEP With Drew Magary (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," featuring 100 percent all-new material, is available here.
You can email him here.

It’s been graduation time all across the country lately, which means that star-fucking class chairs from every college around have invited whatever famous people they can throw $30,000 at to come on in and give some bullshit commencement speech in 12,000-degree heat. I graduated from college once. Our speaker was Supreme Court Justice Stephen BreyjesuschristI’mboredjusttypinghisname.

Future Nobel Prize-Winning Author Drew Magary Espouses On The Historic Virtues Of Anonymity

This is BALLS DEEP With Drew Magary (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. You can email him here. Your regularly scheduled Balls Deep column will not appear this week. Instead, we bring you this special announcement.

Oh, hello. I’m Drew Magary: international bon vivant, malt liquor aficionado, and author of soon-to-be classic works of fine literature. You might remember me from such screen names as Big Daddy Drew, MeGrimlockLoveBoobs and LupicaEatsAss99. Well, you can forget about all those wacky handles, children. I have decided to “out” my real name today. Last night I celebrated my decision by eating pate and guzzling four delicious bottles of 200 proof nail polish remover. The above picture is the end result. I call this position the Reverse Whitlock.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren Explains The Rare Chemistry Between Kobe Bryant And Pau Gasol

This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. You can email him here.

Hellllllo! I’m Doctor Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony.com. I’ve been a clinical psychologist for over 35 years and have written nine best-selling books on building successful long-term relationships, all of which say basically the same thing. I’ve helped millions of fat, goofy, otherwise undatable people all across the country find their one true love, or at least their one person to grudgingly settle into long-term congress with.

Kelly Tilghman, Doris Burke, Erin Andrews And The Confessions Of A Not-So-Closeted Sports Sexist

This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. You can email him here.

Recently, a group of PGA Tour golfers met privately with Tour commissioner Tim Finchem to ask that Golf Channel anchor and lynching-metaphor employer Kelly Tilghman be fired. When I first heard this news, I thought to myself, "Hey, she must be Jewish." Because, as we all know, the PGA Tour cannot abide any sort of Jew near the course, let alone on it.

The West Coast Bias And The Drinking Wall

This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. You can email him here.

I’ve heard people bitch about the East Coast bias for ages now, and it’s time the truth came out. There is no East Coast Bias. There is a WEST coast bias. That’s right! You people on the West Coast like to think you’re sooo progressive, don’t you? With your hybrid cars, and your organic produce, and your preachy Iraq war dramas that no one watches. And the mountain bikes! You’re always on your FUCKING Cannondales, savoring the majesty of nature and shit. Jesus. You like to think only East Coast people would be so unenlightened as to be biased, but you’re wrong, fuckos!

LeBron James, NHL '94, Tecmo Bo, Foosball, Cooking Dinner For The Ladies And The Dominant Force Of The Move

This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. You can email him here.

My NHL '94 team was the Buffalo Sabres. I have no clue why. I think it's because everyone else had already taken the Blackhawks. This was back when the Stars had just moved out of Minnesota, so I couldn't pick them (sorry Leitch, I don't swing that way). I liked playing with Buffalo because I liked using Alex Mogilny. With Mogilny (and really, with any player in the game, but I liked doing it with Mogilny), I could do this one move. It wasn't the best move, but it worked for me, so I did EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I CAME DOWN THE ICE.

What's The Best Sport To Watch On TV While You're High? A Balls Deep Special JOURNALISTIC Investigation!

This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. You can email him here.

I don't smoke much weed anymore. The rare times I go out these days are for social occasions like dinners and weddings and shit like that. And I can't get high for those types of things. Because, when I'm high, I turn into a complete fucking zombie. I stare at the TV until I can see through it. Failing that, I put on "Loveless" by My Bloody Valentine, tear off all my clothes and hump the carpet until my dick bleeds. Needless to say, I can't really do such things in polite company.

Trevor Immelman, Big Black Dildos, Ham Sandwiches, Whippings And The Abandonment Of Game Plans

This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. You can email him here.

There are two notable comedy clubs in Manhattan that hold amateur nights. The first is the New York Comedy Club, which is located in the Murray Hill area. The second is Stand Up NY, which is on the Upper West Side. If you want to get on stage for Amateur Night at either club, you have to call in advance, guarantee a certain number of friends will be coming with you (usually 10 or more), and that they will all pay full cover and two-drink minimum. Do that, and you get five minutes.

Ricky Reilly, Billy Simmons, And The Follies Of Privileged Sportswriting

This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. Enjoy.

By now, you've noticed the motto of this fair website is "Sports news without access, favor, or discretion." And, if you've read Leitch's book (31 used and new from just $14!), you know why he chose that exact phrasing. The inherent catch-22 of a sportswriter's job lies in access. You can't brutally criticize athletes and expect them to give you any access. But, if you go the other way and soften your treatment of athletes in order to maintain access, then you end up looking like a jocksniffer (Hi, Stephen A.!).

Davidson And The Fragile Nature Of Sexual Momentum

This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. Enjoy.

Let's role-play for a moment. Imagine that you're a male college student out at a party one night. Doesn't matter where. Now, let's say you've had enough drinks to consider yourself good and drunk. Not about-to-pass-out shitfaced, but pretty drunk and quite pleased about it.

Bob Mould, Bagels, Hot Sex, Western Kentucky And Other Passionate Pinnacles Of The Human Experience

This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. Enjoy.

This is Bob Mould, former member of Husker Du, former member of Sugar, current solo artist, and my favorite musician in the universe. Bob has a new album out, which is pretty good. He's also on tour with a full band, including former Fugazi drummer Brendan Canty. They played the 9:30 Club last week here in DC, but I wasn't able to go. I deeply regret this, because the seven or eight times I've seen Bob play live, something very cool happens.

The Science Of Filling Out Your Bracket Like A Girl Without Admitting It To Yourself

This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. Enjoy.

I am not by nature someone who overthinks things. I am an avid underthinker. Sometimes, when my wife will ask me a question, I won't actually process it until a good 20 seconds after she's asked it. And, when I finally get around to answering her ("Sure. No, wait! Did you ask me if I wanted some tea? No, I don't want that."), she's already pissed at me. It's not that I failed to listen. It's that the information has to travel through any number of obstacles (football, the idea of smoking weed for a special occasion sometime in the future, Laetitia Casta) to reach my cerebral cortex. Most of the gears in there have been completely stripped, and are in danger if falling right off the spools.

Balls Deep With Big Daddy Drew: The Power Of Atmosphere (With Breasts)

Okay, so the Deadspin Guest Lecture Series was a bit of a bust. In its place, we introduce a brand new column from Big Daddy Drew. This is BALLS DEEP With Big Daddy Drew (Balls® is a registered trademark and has been used with the expressed written consent of AJ Daulerio). It's gonna be like an SI Point After column, only with dick jokes. Enjoy.

There are two main strip clubs located in New Haven, Connecticut. The first is Stagedoor Johnny's, (NSFW), which is actually TWO strip clubs in one. You see, in the front there is Stagedoor Johnny's, which serves alcohol but features only topless dancing. And then, in the back, there is Backstage (or Backdoor) Johnny's, which rivals Good Guys here in DC for the title of Worst Name For A Heterosexual Male Strip Club. Backdoor Johnny's features all nude dancing but serves no alcohol. The other strip club in New Haven is a topless-only joint called Catwalk. Both of these strip clubs hold indelible memories for me, one of which, oddly enough, involves sports. But first, I have to tell you about the all-nude stuff.