We're not sure anyone other than Kevin Millar is in on the joke here, but alas: Here's "Orioles Magic," the new/old/new theme song for the Baltimore Orioles, sung by the Baltimore Orioles, rocked out by the Baltimore Orioles.

The Orioles are only two games out of first — behind the Rays! — in the American League East, and they seem to be having fun. Enjoy it while you can, aging O's. We would love to see every team redo old team songs; seeing Ankiel and Pujols dance out to Glenn Frey's "The Heat Is On" from 1985 would be pretty awesome.

Home plate umpire and crew chief Kerwin Danley took a 96 mph Brad Penny fastball to the jaw in the 4th inning of the Dodgers 11-3 win over the Rockies last night. The game was delayed 18 minutes and Danley had to be taken off the field in an ambulance. A Dodgers spokesman said Danley lost consciousness briefly, but was coherent again by the time he was loaded into the ambulance.

At that point the Dodgers were already up 10-2 and not much changed the rest of the way. Penny maintained composure after the incident, allowing three runs on four hits over seven innings. Matt Kemp apped a 10-run first inning with a grand slam off Mark Redman.

Victor is the victor: A 9th inning bases loaded single by Victor Martinez plated Grady Sizemore to give the Indians a 4-3 win over the Yankees. Losers of three straight, the Yanks wasted a four-hit performance by Johnny Damon, now falling a game and a half behind the Rays for 4th place in the AL East. Meanwhile, the Tribe has won five in a row to return to .500.

Marlinspike: Florida's surprising stranglehold on the NL East is getting more and more tenuous as the Marlins see near unhittable reliever Renyel Pinto surrender the deciding home run to Prince Fielder in the 8th inning of a 4-3 Brewers win. The Phillies drew within half a game of Florida with their third straight victory, a 8-4 win over the Pirates. Ryan Howard looks to emerge from a poor start with his first career home run against the Bucs.

Oddly, Ripken actually denied the story on NPR this week, making it clear he has not, in fact, ever punched Kevin Costner. We love that Ripken actually discussed it on the national airwaves.

For fun, here's the best part of the tale:

Cal told [the Orioles owner] it would be impossible to come in, so there went the streak. The owner told him not to worry, he would take care of it. That night, the game was canceled because of "electrical failure," even though hotels and restaurants that were a part of Camden Yards were fine and running.

Cal and his wife are still together, and the story is false. That didn't stop it from coming on NPR. As we said: We love urban legends.

Ripken Denies Beating The Crap Out Of Kevin Costner [The Foul Pole]
The Cost(ner) Of Love [Snopes]

Hill dined on a Steve Trachsel curve in the third for a three-run homer, as Toronto collected 16 hits in an 11-3 win over Baltimore. Hill is looking good in that 2 spot, is he not? Every Blue Jays starter had at least one hit; David Eckstein with three. It's all good news for Jays fans, who desperately need to update their banner collection.

Of course with all of the gala Jackie Robinson Day festivities throughout the majors, it only makes sense that Major League baseball's official blog site, MLBlogs, makes no mention of it on its front page whatsoever; instead featuring a post about Alyssa Milano's blog as its lead story this morning.

• The Meteoric Fall Of The Black And Gold. The aforementioned Dodgers rode the arms of Esteban Loaiza and Hong-Chih Kuo to an 11-2 win over the Pirates, ending Pittsburgh's four-game winning streak. But Pirates fans should be reminded that things could be a lot worse. Jeff Kent — who has to be older than John McCain, right? — and Russell Martin had home runs. And all of this despite the fact that Andruw Jones won't let anyone else near the buffet table.

• Tigers On Sizzling Two-Game Winning Tear. Miguel Cabrera had two-run homer in the eighth as Detroit stopped Minnesota 6-5. Magglio Ordonez homered and drove in two runs, and Gary Sheffield and Carlos Guillen also hit home runs for Detroit, which scored six in the eighth.

• Dusty And The Blustery Day. Dusty Baker's first 2008 Wrigley Field win was windy and boo-infested, just the way he likes them. Chicago won 9-5 in his second game back versus his old team (anyone remember the Cubs' last-place finish in 2006?), although he was booed each time he left the dugout. Derrek Lee had his fifth homer of the season for Chicago (wind-aided), and teammates Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot also homered. The latter was batting for the injured Alfonso Soriano. Ken Griffey Jr. hit his 595th homer for the Reds.

• Jason Varitek; Secret Pinch-Hitting Weapon. Boom goes the dynamite!

So the O's sweep the M's to go 5-1 and take first place in the AL East. That's their first four-game sweep since 2004, and their best start since 1999. What? The season is only two weeks old? Do not rain on the Orioles' parade with your calendar! This is Huff's day! Of course all Orioles' fans recall when, in the preseason, Mr. Huff called Baltimore "a horseshit town" on Sirius Radio's Bubba the Love Sponge show, then revealing in the same interview that, when on the road, he often wakes up hung over and "jacks off."

In Huff's defense, who hasn't appeared on the Bubba the Love Sponge Show and blurted something controversial? But Orioles' fans never seemed to forgive him, booing Huff lustily in the home opener, and even razzing him a bit on Monday when he came up in the eighth. But after his homer, all now seems forgiven. George Sherrill pitched a perfect ninth for his fourth save (third in the series) and Adam Jones scored the tying run to set the stage for Huff (and the kerosene-soaked relief stylings of Seattle's Eric O'Flaherty). You may recall Sherrill and Jones from the big 5-for-1 deal that sent Erik Bedard to the Mariners. Bedard, by the way, has only pitched one game this season.

And now on to my big question: What's with the attendance at Camden Yards? Only 10,744 on Monday afternoon — the second-smallest crowd in the park's 17-year history. What gives? First-rate ballpark; first-place team; horny, hung over star player; why wouldn't people show up?

• What About Bob? Mike Mussina has tied Bob Gibson for 44th on the career wins list. OK, Gibson won 20 or more games in a season five times, and Mussina has never done it. And Gibson could peel paint from a wall just by staring at it. But Mussina gets to pitch against Tampa Bay several times per season, so it all evens out. Mussina went six innings and Bobby Abreu homered and went went 3-for-3 as the Yankees prevailed against the Rays 6-1. Oh yeah, Derek Jeter is out indefinitely with hurt feelings gender confusion a strained quadriceps.

• Hockey Chants At Your Home Opener? Nice. Fun graph from the Chicago Tribune's game story on the Cubs and Pirates at PNC Park: "It was so ugly early on that the sellout crowd of 37,491 was chanting "Let's Go Pens" during the Cubs' six-run third, a reference to the Penguins' quest for the Stanley Cup, which begins at home Wednesday." The Cubs went up 7-0, of course lost the lead and then came back to win 10-8 in 12 innings. Aramis Ramirez's sacrifice fly off Evan Meek brought home Ryan Theriot with the winning run. Also: Chicago's Kosuke Fukudome, who entered the game hitting .500 and is currently hitting .458, is still batting fifth. WTF, Lou?

• Hunter Harnesses Mysterious Monkey Powers. Torii Hunter left the Twins for a five-year, $90 million contract with the Angels in November, then started the season 0-for-10 at the Metrodome. But back in Anaheim — where keeps a stuffed Rally Monkey toy in his locker — he's 11-for-23. That includes a walkoff grand slam and an eighth-inning solo homer in the Angels' 6-4 win over the Indians on Monday.

• Your First-Place Florida Marlins. Dan Uggla's solo homer in the sixth and Robert Andino's two-run shot in the ninth led Florida to a 10-7 in over Washington, as the Marlins took sole possession of first place in the NL East. It was the fifth straight loss for the Nationals after a 3-0 start. Paid attendance for the second game at brand new Nationals Park was 20,487 (capacity is 41,888). Also, the $611 million scoreboard malfunctioned through most of the first inning.

• Big, Big Opener. Anyone going to the Royals' home opener today? Mark Mangino is throwing out the first pitch, so I hear. Also it's the debut of the CrownVision video board, which at 84-by-105 feet is the largest in the world!

Tom Scocca is a writer for The New York Observer and is currently writing a book about the 2008 China Olympics. His words are after the jump.

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Remember those inspirational 2007 Colorado Rockies? How they plodded through the summer around .500, then pulled together to put on a thrilling 14-1 finishing kick, sending them sprinting to the pennant?

Well, the Baltimore Orioles do that every year. Only backwards. Beyond plain categories of optimism and pessimism live those of us who see a sparkling half-glass of water and know for sure that the Orioles are eventually going to take a crap in it.

People who don't pay attention to the O's — and why would you? — might look at the uninterrupted decade of lousy finishes (nine in fourth place, one in third) and assume the team has been steadily, hopelessly terrible. The truth is far more humiliating: The Orioles are quitters. Year after year, there comes a moment at which the Birds look up and down the standings, scan the clubhouse and collectively decide that whatever combination of talent, enthusiasm, and guts it takes to get through 162 games, they don't have it. So they stop trying.

Pick a season.

July 18, 2005: After a surprising run in first place for most of May and June, the Orioles are still hanging on in second, only half a game out. Over their next 15 games, they go 1-14, then toss in stretches of 2-11, 1-10, and 1-11 the rest of the way for good measure.

August 23, 2002: The Orioles reach .500, at 63-63. They then go into a 1-18 freefall, after which they close out the season with a separate 12-game losing streak.

Managers and lineups change, but the O's can always be counted on to put the dog in Dog Days: 0-12...0-8...0-9...2-18. Last year was a two-for-one special. They struck earlier than usual, opening June with a 2-14 swan dive, which served to get manager Sam Perlozzo fired. Two months of adequate baseball followed, and the front office announced that Perlozzo's interim replacement, Dave Trembley, would manage the team in 2008. The team immediately went out and submitted to one of the worst beatings in baseball history, a 30-3 clubbing by the Rangers — the first game of a 3-18 skid.

But this year is different. This year, under the leadership of Peter Angelos' general-manager-type-executive-of-the-moment Andy MacPhail, the whole franchise has decided to quit before the season started.

Officially, the name for this is "rebuilding." Here's how it works. Let's say your team has two All-Stars in the middle of the infield, a budding young star in right field, and the most gifted starting pitcher fans have seen in a generation. But the rest of your lineup, particularly the power spots, is clogged with aging veterans who were never any good to begin with, and your bullpen is infested with washouts and arsonists. Hypothetically speaking.

So the way you rebuild the team is: You get rid of three of the four guys who are any good. It's a measure of how emotionally and psychologically damaged the fan base is that people are declaring themselves to be happy about this.

Sending shortstop Miguel Tejada to the Astros was at least a defensible move — even a bit of a thrilling one, given that MacPhail somehow managed to move Tejada hours before the Mitchell Report was due to drop. Tejada was the best hitter in the Orioles lineup, but it was hard to shake the feeling that his MVP slugging skills and joie de vivre were both sagging under the twin crackdowns on steroids and greenies. And Luke Scott, who arrived in the grab bag the Astros sent to Baltimore, may finally force the Orioles to stop giving people like Jay Payton hundreds of at-bats at positions like left field.

But MacPhail's ongoing effort to sell off leadoff man and second baseman Brian Roberts is churn for the sake of churning. No one else on the team is a second baseman, and no one else can hit leadoff.

And then there's Erik Bedard. The Bedard trade was almost universally hailed, and why not? In return, the Orioles got the most dominant strikeout pitcher in the league, entering his prime — a big-game pitcher who can match zeros with anyone, the kind of talent the late-Torre-era Yankees died away because their money couldn't buy.

Oh, wait, that's what the Orioles gave up. In return, they got a minor-league outfielder.

I know I know I know, Adam Jones is a guaranteed superstar. He hit .246 in Seattle last year, but that's because he was only 15 years old and his legs were tired from riding his bicycle to the ballpark every day. Now that he's got his driver's license, everybody says they can pencil him in to hit .350 with 40 home runs. Put him together with Nick Markakis and you've got a pair of young outfield talents like nobody's seen since — well, technically, since any two of the last five 21-year-old superstars that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays have put out there. Or whatever that team is called. The last-place team.

Nonetheless! Andy MacPhail is the savior. It's a funny sort of housecleaning that leaves Aubrey Huff and Kevin Millar at DH and first base, but that's the kind of unhealthy obsession with the present that the Orioles are trying to get beyond. McPhail is about the future. He is going to trade and trade and build the 2010 Orioles into a dynasty to rival those world-champion Cubs teams he built in Chicago.

So, here goes:

1. Boston Red Sox. We agree with Gillin from earlier today; the Red Sox seem destined for a slow start. But they're stacked and have even more guys coming. We still can't believe the Boston Red Sox are the model for all sports franchises right now.
2. New York Yankees. More proof: The Yankees, though they'll never admit it, are trying to follow the Red Sox plan to the letter.
3. Tampa Bay Rays. We can legitimately see them finishing over .500 this year. It was the "Devil."
4. Toronto Blue Jays. That whole budget increase didn't work out too well. At least we still have baseball in Canada somewhere.
5. Baltimore Orioles. Boy this is still going to get worse before this gets better.

Let's hear 'em, because baseball freaking starts tomorrow. (Kind of.) And tomorrow? The American League West

But we've obtained video of Huff's appearance, and we'd say that we doubt the family-friendly PR staff of the Orioles will be all that happy with it. We're not gonna play the moral police here — after all, we had sex at the age of eight — but seriously now ... if Huff was "acting," this is definitely some serious Method acting. After the jump, the video. Warning: We're talking EXTREMELY NSFW here, people.

Here goes:

Huff was a guest on the Bubba The Love Sponge show — seriously, we don't care how much money you make, we can't imagine showing up at our class reunion and telling everyone we grew up how we now should be called "Bubba The Love Sponge" — and he started having a little fun.

Bubba: "Now Aubrey, do you jack off a lot on the road, like when you're not with your wife."

Huff: "It's all I do. It's all I do. You guys have no idea how much downtime there is in baseball. You wake up from a hangover about 1 o'clock."

Producer shouts: "In the afternoon?"

Huff: "Oh, yeah! Lemme tell you this. When you are hung over, how horny are you? I'm horny, when I'm hungover, I'm horny. So I'm just gonna beat off. And that's all I do."

Huff goes on to call Baltimore "horseshit". Ordinarily, we would enjoy and encourage such candid talk from athletes, who, by definition, are trained not to say anything interested. But there's something about having your only moment of being a recognizable, normal human being happening as a guest on the Bubba, The Love Sponge Show. We dunno: It hurts credibility, we think.

Aubrey Huff Uncensored [WNST]
Just Horsing Around, Huff Says [Baltimore Sun]

The people who clean up Camden Yards after games, and keep it one of the most gorgeous, most profitable stadiums in baseball are barely making a living wage.

The UWA, a human rights group founded by homeless day laborers in Baltimore, represents 800 low-wage workers who make up the pool of the 100-120 people who keep Camden Yards clean. Stadium workers—the people who clean out the bathroom stalls, sweep up the small mountains of cigarette butts and make the Camden Yards experience as pristine as promised—make poverty wages, just $7 an hour.

Because they are doing "day labor," members of the UWA who show up to work are sent home if they're not needed. The wages are so low, and the job so "flexible," that some workers live in homeless shelters. One worker was kicked out of public housing because her pay that month couldn't match the monthly rent. ... The UWA claims that in 2004 Angelos promised to make up the difference in a living wage out of his own deep pockets. It's a promise he has failed to keep.

By the way, Kris Benson is making nearly $8 million for the Orioles this season.

Cleaning Up After The Orioles [The Nation]

It did fall short, of course, of the all-time professional record, when the Teatotallers beat the Gashouse Gorillas 55-54 in Baseball Bugs in 1946.

My favorite part, I think, is that the Orioles actually had a 3-0 lead at one point. Also, it was only the first game of a doubleheader ... the Rangers winning the nightcap 9-7. Brad Wilkerson, the only Ranger who played and did not have a hit in the two games, drove home the go-ahead run in Game 2 with a sacrifice fly in the eighth. The 39 runs established an AL record for most runs in a single day, in which the Rangers had 40 hits and 13 walks in 92 official at-bats. Ian Kinsler had 13 at-bats, and Texas rookie David Murphy had six hits. Another Rangers rookie, Travis Metcalf, had eight RBI. So can one game serve as a definitive indictment of the way an franchise is run, and be the cause for a wholesale overhaul? How can Peter Angelos, in the indecent scoreboard glare of a result 110 years in the making, not be totally panicking right now? Should the Orioles simply pack up and leave, and Camden Yards be plowed under and the earth salted as Rome did with Carthage? I'm thinking this is something that you just don't simply shake off, but I could be wrong.

• It's Hard To Pass Two Teams. Meanwhile, Albert Pujols did his own special thing with the number 30, homering for a career-best fifth consecutive game to become the first player in major league history to hit 30 homers in his first seven seasons. St. Louis beat the Marlins 6-4, keeping pace with first-place Chicago, three games back. The Cardinals are two games behind Milwaukee.

• We Never Thought He'd Sink To This. Derek Lowe went seven innings and Matt Kemp had a career-high four hits to lead the Dodgers over the injury-riddled-remains-of-what-formerly-were-the-Phillies, 15-3.

• Break Up The D-Rays. Hey, what gives? The Devil Rays beat the Red Sox for only the second time this season, B.J. Upton hitting a two-run homer off of Daisuke Matsuzaka as Tampa prevailed 2-1. New York, 8-2 winners over the Angels. are five games back in the East.

I can't say I'm well read on the mating ritual of the horsefly. But I did notice that the two little bugs aren't even watching the baseball game while screwing, giving horsefly sex exactly one thing in common with Peter Angelos' style of ownership.

• All Are Helpless Before The Might Of J.J. Putz. Mariners closer J.J. Putz fanned Manny Ramirez on three pitches for his third strikeout of the ninth inning to preserve Seattle's 8-7 win over Boston. Dynamic, muscled power hitter Richie Sexson had a two-run homer in the sixth that put the Mariners ahead for good (Sexson obviously has been drinking a lot of Power Thirst). Boston has lost seven straight in Seattle.

• Tony Abreu Has Energy Legs! The fan who caught Tony Abreu's first major league home run ball came to the Dodgers clubhouse after the game to make a deal with the rookie Abreu, who promptly traded another autographed ball and one of Ramon Martinez's bats for it. Los Angeles won 6-5 over Arizona in 10 innings, and there's going to be one very mad Ramon Martinez when he finds out what happened.

• Cubs Juggernaut Surges Forward. Cliff Floyd's two-run homer was the only real excitement in the Cubs' 8-5 win over the Rockies on Tuesday. No deranged fan sprinting toward the mound ... and we kind of miss that.

• Excuse Me, I Must Be Going. Jeff Cirillo broke an 0-for-8 slump with a mammoth, um, bloop single in the 12th inning to win it for the Twins, 2-1 over the Blue Jays.

As you've surely heard by now, Trembley played Miguel Tejada for one inning yesterday afternoon so he could keep his consecutive games streak intact. This is shaky in the first place, but in Baltimore, which is home of freaking Cal Ripken, for cripes sake, it went across like a leady leaden piece of lead.

On the list of sham attempts to influence records, this, to me, exceeds Brett Favre lying down so Michael Strahan could get Gastineau's sack record. The whole point of being the Iron Man is that you not only show up every day, but you show up every day to play every out, and you're good enough to do it without hurting the team. I, personally, can't wait for the O's to trade Tejada, but they can replace Trembley without a suitor. Bring on Rick Dempsey!

Not that it matters now anyway: Tejada's wrist is broken and the streak's over anyway. That is, unless, Trembley keeps putting in for an inning anyway, regardless.

Tejada's Wrist Broken [MLB.com]
Miguel Tejada, Dave Trembley and Respectability [Oriole Post]
Fire Dave Trembley Now [East Coast Bias]

Buster "Please Don't Make Me Do Anymore Fake Press Conferences" Olney is reporting that Cubs president Andy MacPhail is leaving Wrigley to head Camden Yards way. This means, most likely, that diminutive manager Sam Perlozzo is out the door, probably in favor of Joe Girardi, whose people skills served him well in Florida. The team has been fed up with Perlozzo for a while, and we still kind of wonder if he only got the job because they thought he'd bring best pal Leo Mazzone with him. (All references to Leo Mazzone must include light rocking back and forth; do it with us now.)

Anyway, we're not sure what this means for the Cubs. We think we all know who should be running that team anyway.

O's Hire MacPhail, Eying Girardi [ESPN]
Sam Perlozzo, We Hardly Knew Ye [The Smittblog]

(UPDATE: Baseball Musings says Tom Trebelhorn will manage. We missed that guy.)

(SECOND UPDATE: It's Dave Trembley, not Trebelhorn.)

• Oh, Baltimore, Man It's Hard, Just To Live. Today in "starters we should not have pulled," it's the Baltimore Orioles and Jeremy Guthrie, who had given up only three hits through 8 1/3 innings against the Red Sox. With one out in the ninth and a 5-0 lead, Orioles catcher Ramon Hernandez dropped a popup by Coco Crisp for an error. Guthrie was then pulled for reliever Danys Baez, who gave up a run-scoring double to David Ortiz and a single to Wily Mo Pena. Anyhow, a few batters later, Orioles closer Chris Ray dropped a throw while covering first base on Julio Lugo's grounder, with Jason Varitek and Eric Hinske scoring the tying and winning runs for a 6-5 Red Sox victory. Even the Orioles bird logo fell over dead when watching this one.

• But Wait, We Have Another Candidate. Toronto's Shaun Marcum had a no-hitter through six innings against Tampa Bay before — you guessed it — he was pulled by manager John Gibbons. Carlos Pena homered in the seventh — the Devil Rays' first hit — as Tampa Bay went on for a 2-1 win. Of course Gibbons noted that Marcum is a reliever who was filling in as a starter, but that doesn't make him look any smarter.

• Pretty In Pink. Of all the players using pink bats on Sunday, Minnesota's Torii Hunter looked the prettiest, homering twice and driving in seven as the Twins beat the Tigers 16-4.

• Well, It's All Downhill After This. Fred Lewis, a rookie just up from Triple-A Fresno, became the 22nd Giant to hit for the cycle in San Francisco's 15-2 win over Colorado. He went 5-for-6 with four RBI, with a three-run homer.

So you can't blame Jay Gibbons for trying to get in on the act ... and he's even being stealth about it. Smart, smart.

"The scene occurred in the ninth inning of the Baltimore Orioles' game against Minnesota on Saturday. Gibbons fouled a ball straight back over the screen and into the rib cage of his wife, Laura."

Jay Gibbons is the most amazing hitter in baseball history. And you better not laugh at him, guy sitting down the third-base line, or you'll get it next.

Jay Gibbons Accidentally Assaults Wife [WBRS Sports Blog]

(UPDATE: As you've all noticed by now, this happened eight months ago. We don't know how this happened. We apologize.)

A few days ago, they had "Under Armor" day at Camden Yards, where a gaggle of Under Armor employees showed up to, we dunno, make grown men realize how they're too out of shape to possibly buy their products. One of their employees apparently had a bit too much to drink, and when he showed up on live television ... well, he's having a great time.

Click-clack, mofos ... click-clack.

Still, we can't imagine what Thorne was thinking, saying that on the public airwaves and believing no one would make a big deal out of it.

"The great story we were talking about the other night was that famous red stocking that he wore when they finally won, the blood on his stocking," Thorne said to broadcast partner Jim Palmer, the Hall of Fame pitcher, in a conversation that had begun with a discussion of Schilling's blog.
"Nah," Thorne said. "It was painted. Doug Mirabelli confessed up to it after. It was all for PR."

If Thorne — who Mirabelli blasted after the game — legitimately wakes up this morning surprised by the fuss he caused, he's the most clueless broadcaster in sports, and that's really saying something. Nothing yet from Schilling's blog about the whole mess, but we think it'd be funny if he painted his site red for the day, just for fun.

Bloody Mess [Boston.com]
38 Pitches [Curt Schilling's Blog]

(By the way, in case you forgot what Schilling's ankle looked like after surgery.)

(UPDATE: Baseball Musings has some info on Thorne that shows he's kind of an idiot about this stuff.)

Though careful not to violate the club's facial hair policy, the Orioles' relievers have decided to grow mustaches as another symbol of team unity. They're definitely not going for fashion. "You like it? It looks kind of trashy," John Parrish said.

Our favorite part is the description of the team's facial hair policy.

The facial hair policy doesn't allow for mustaches to extend beyond the corners of the mouth.

Now, is there a beleaguered clubhouse employee charged with enforcing this policy? Because that doesn't sound like a particularly pleasant job to us. But now we know why the Orioles hired Hirshey as their emergency catcher.

Stache Holds Mysterious Powers [WBRS Sports Blog]
Hairy Situation [Baltimore Sun]

All right, whether you're ready for it or not, baseball is starting Sunday night. (The Mets will watch the Cardinals raise their World Series title flag. The Cardinals won the World Series last year.) The full slate of games kick off Monday, so we figured it was time to start previewing some divisions. Three today, three tomorrow, with hopefully your predictions as well, because, as you all know, we're terrible at predictions.

Anyway, we're doing the AL today, starting with the AL East. Here's last year's predictions.

1. New York Yankees. Carl Pavano's winning 23 games and the Cy Young. And then he will never pitch again.
2. Boston Red Sox. Look, in that picture, Dice-K unleashes his new "levitation ball." So many cool things in Japan.
3. Toronto Blue Jays. Frank Thomas looks so weird in a Blue Jays uniform; not that he particularly looks all that great in anything.
4. Baltimore Orioles. If Sammy Sosa hits 40 homers this year, we do not blame Baltimore fans for whomever they decide to punch.
5. Tampa Bay Devil Rays. boom bitch.

So come on, everybody ... it's baseball season! Really!

Well, we're just more than a month away from the start of baseball — spring training is here! — so it's time to do the same thing in the baseball world. Every weekday until the start of the season, a different writer will preview his/her team. We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, Where Their Team Stands. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever.

Today: The Baltimore Orioles. Your author is Matt Pitzer.

Matt Pitzer is the fantasy football expert for USA Today Sports Weekly. His words are after the jump.

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Another item on my distressingly long list of reasons I know I'm getting old is that it is harder and harder every year to remember when I would get excited for an Orioles season.

OK, maybe my memory is just shot, but having to hit BaseballReference.com just to find your team's last winning season (1997, if you're wondering) is depressing — especially when you also realize that that was six years before than the Kansas City Royals' last winning season.

Now I'm supposed to get amped up about middle relievers? Sorry, Peter Angelos. Count me out. I can't play this game any more. Maybe my team will be better than three others. But better than the rest of the league? Make the playoffs? I can't even put on a game face for that argument anymore. This club has no chance to compete, no chance to make me rabid again.

Wow, Aubrey Huff is coming in to save the day. The Orioles shelled out a ton of cash to shore up a decrepit bullpen. There are two more can't-miss pitching prospects. It all sounds like it's shaping up as another June swoon.

Look, the Orioles tied up $42 million over the next three years to acquire what they think is a solid group of middle relievers. Most of the rest of the baseball world laughed because they know a lot of these guys are year-to-year buys. So when Danys Baez craps out a year-and-half from now, the Orioles will use that $19 million contract as an albatross and an excuse for dumping the big contract of a productive player such as Miguel Tejada. Sorry, that's just what you know to expect when you're stuck with a joke of a front office.

That front office got its knickers in a bind because the Orioles lost 18 games after being tied or leading later than the sixth inning last year. OK, let's say this $42 million bullpen cuts that number in half. The Orioles pick up nine wins — and now they're only four games under .500.

And all that requires is a pitching staff to kind of, sort of hold its own. Erik Bedard and Adam Loewen do truly look like real prospects, and they could be the backbone of a contender if, you know, the Orioles ever had a winning record again. But there's Kris Benson learning (in February!) that he'd miss most or all of the season with a bum shoulder. That means the other three starters are Daniel Cabrera (shiver), Jaret Wright (that's a joke, right) and Steve Trachsel (OK, that's the joke, right).

Maybe this whole hair thing will help. Kevin Millar was one of the ringleaders when those wacky Red Sox were winning a World Series. He's trying to make the clubhouse fun and all. Jay Gibbons supposedly hasn't cut his hair since September, and Brian Roberts grew a beard. Because that'll make him tough. Of course, there is a little team grooming policy to worry about so a lot of that hair will be gone.

At least Miguel Tejada is still around and apparently happy he has not been traded. He has the potential to be a regular force in the lineup and regularly can drive in guys like Roberts and Melvin Mora, if they're healthy and getting on base like they can. Huff might help Tejada some, but if a guy who drove in 100-plus runs in back-to-back years is not good enough for the Devil Rays, why should the Orioles think he will be the offensive plug that this team needs?

There used to be a time when you actually got excited about the Orioles, when guys like Cal Ripken made you eager for April. Now it's all just memories. Hank Bauer died this offseason; he took the Orioles to their first title back in 1966. Ripken was chosen for the Hall of Fame, and there still is hope that he'll figure out a way to buy at least part of the team.

If that were to happen, and even if Ripken were no more suited to being an executive than Michael Jordan is, at least there would be something to get excited about. As things stand, this is an utterly forgettable franchise.

When is the NFL draft?

For now, he's happy to toil as an intern in any baseball-operations department, so he will spend the next three days meeting as many people as he can. ... Whether it's costing someone a bigger playoff share or becoming the bane of every Baltimorean, Maier long ago got used to the look when meeting people. It's the initial stunned silence, followed by the raised eyebrows, punctuated by some sort of exclamation - sometimes laudatory, others of the seven-dirty-words variety.

He's got a sit-down with the Arizona Diamondbacks on Wednesday, and Peter Gammons is trying to get him face-to-faces with a few other teams, too. After not getting drafted this year, Maier spent the summer scouting the Cape Cod League for Gammons. Here were kids he played with and against for years, and now he was on the flip side.

We love the idea of Gammons, amused by having Maier tagging along and writing little tidbits about various former Maier teammates, taking him under his wing and saying, "Hey, here's a room full of Orioles fans. Enjoy." And then tiptoeing away mischievously. It's good to have friends in high places. He's totally gonna run the Nationals someday.

Jeff Maier At Winter Meetings [Yahoo Sports]
Orioles Considering Drafting Blast From The Past [Deadspin]

That's not to say they completely ignored it, though; Dan Steinberg and his Post-aided DC Sports Bog actually hung out with the protestors yesterday and came away impressed, if a little confused.

I got in an argument with some FreeBird about whether it was realistic to expect every team to have a winning record. He argued, as many of the FreeBirds do, that he wasn't asking for a winning record, just for some progress toward a winning record. Nasty Nestor claimed this movement isn't about wins and losses, it's about treating fans with respect. Either way, today the FreeBirds added another chapter to the history of American dissent.

Gently mocking attitude aside, Steinberg mostly seems sympathetic to the fans' cause. And Angelos' reaction? Ha. Angelos had no reaction, unless you count "tossing a couple thousand dollar bills and cute puppies on the fire while drinking the blood of a eagle out of the horn of a rhino" as a "reaction."

Live From The O's Protest [DC Sports Bog]
Get Down To Camden To, Like, Protest And Stuff [Deadspin]

Today is the big fan protest of the Orioles and owner Peter Angelos, taking place outside Camden Yards before the 4:05 ET first pitch against the Detroit Tigers. The fans are buying the cheapest tickets possible, shooting for nearly 10,000 upper deck seats, presumably leaving the seats that are closer to the field empty. And THAT'LL send a message.

We support Baltimore fans' anger with Angelos, who is pretty much pulverizing a once-great franchise into dust. And hey: Kris Benson's pitching today, so maybe if Angelos doesn't sell the team, she can promise that she'll sleep with all protesting fans. Though that might or might not improve turnout.

Fan Protest [WNST]

• 1. You Might Just Make It After All .... How fickle are we baseball fans? Just a short while ago it was Joe Mauer over whom we all fawned, but now it's a Baltimore rookie named Nick Markakis who is our flavor of the month. That's because all he did on Tuesday was belt three home runs — becoming the 18th Oriole to do so, and first since Albert Belle in 1999 — in Baltimore's 6-3 win over Minnesota. He flew out in his fourth at-bat (16 players in major league history have hit four in one game) and was left on-deck as the Orioles made their final out of the game. Since moving to No. 2 in the lineup, Markakis has six homers in six games. But hey, we still love Joe Mauer as well.

• 2. It Goes To 11. The Seattle Mariners found the key to breaking their losing streak: free laundry. Fans waved towels at Safeco on Tuesday, and Adrian Beltre responded with two home runs to lead the Ms past the Yankees 6-5, breaking Seattle's 11-game losing streak.

• 3. Now You've Dunn It. The Reds are only one game behind the Cardinals for the top spot in the NL Central, as Adam Dunn's three-run homer highlighted an eight-run third, Cincinnati bludgeoning Houston 14-0.

• 4. Walky Big Papi. Mike Scioscia decided to walk David Ortiz with a runner at second in the ninth ... and that brought up Kevin Youkilis, who flied out to end the game as the Angels beat the Red Sox 4-3. To us, walking someone named Big Papi to get to someone named Kevin always seems like a good idea.

• 5. OK, We're Calling It For The Tigers. Even the over-40 set are beating the White Sox these days, as Kenny Rogers shut down Chicago in a 4-0 victory, giving the Tigers a 7 1/2 game lead in the AL Central.

• 1. I Got It! I Got It! If Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter are comically botching an easy popup, you know it must be the eve of the Yankees' biggest series of the season. Five games in four days at Fenway Park face the the New Yorkers, beginning today, and oh, are they ready. "We stunk today,'' manager Joe Torre said Thursday after a 12-2 loss to the Orioles, who were paced by Brian Roberts, Nick Markakis and Melvin Mora on offense. "Hopefully, we got the stinker out of our system.'' Boston, idle Thursday, is now 1 1/2 games back of first-place NY. And the Red Sox used their day off to call in more Pinkertons ... bringing in 2002 AL Rookie of the Year Eric Hinske from the Blue Jays.

• 2. No Fight In The Mariners. Let's see, the Angels were without their manager and two players (second baseman Adam Kennedy and reliever Kevin Gregg), and the Mariners still lost, 5-2. Vladimir Guerrero had a three-run double for LA, as the Ms lost their eighth straight. The LA Three each began a four-game suspension for brawling in Wednesday's game at Texas. Brendan Donnelly appealed his four-game suspension but didn't pitch.

• 3. Mr. Met Takin' It Easy. At this point, the Mets only need to win every third game or so to cruise to a division title. And that appears to be what they're doing, as Carlos Delgado (!) hit a pair of home runs and John Maine earned the win in a 7-2 decision over the Frillies.

• 4. Should It Be This Difficult To Beat The Royals? This time, Ozzie Guillen walked Mark Grudzielanek, and it paid off. Chicago closer Bobby Jenks got Mike Sweeney to ground into a game-ending double play after in the following at-bat, as Chicago beat Kansas City 5-4.

• 5. Oh Oscar, Oscar, Oscar ... Oscar Villarreal hadn't started in more than three years, but it didn't matter. He threw five one-hit innings as the Braves beat the Nationals 5-0.

"It didn't look like Brian Roberts. The coloring was bad," Orioles spokesman Bill Stetka said. "I didn't actually see it. I've heard various versions that it was very dark and bluish."

So they made the decision to send back all 20,000 bobbleheads, and give fans vouchers good for Brian Roberts bobbleheads at some later date. That seems wasteful to me. Would it have killed Brian Roberts to just play today's game in blackface? Come on, man, take one for the team. Look at all the eyeblack; he's already halfway there. Bobbleheads aren't cheap, you know. I'm sure that no advocacy groups would've had any problem with that whatsoever.

O's return 20,000 dark-skinned Roberts replicas [SI.com]

"I wouldn't be at all opposed to [drafting Maier]. In fact, I'd say it's a very interesting development," [Orioles owner Peter] Angelos said. "You can say the Orioles are very seriously considering him. I know this much: I was at that game, and he certainly did seem to be a heck of an outfielder. Sure, we'd take him. In fact, I like the idea more and more, the more I think about it."

We think it would be a uniquely baseball story if Meier end up playing for the Orioles, but we can equally imagine him being drafted by the Yankees and going on to a Hall of Fame career, torturing every Baltimore fan throughout eternity. That might be fun to see.

From Way Out In Right Field [Washington Post]

At least, that's what happened to these young Orioles fans. They enjoyed a lovely day at the ballpark, watched the O's hammer the Royals, and decided to make their way home. But they'd never been to Camden Yards before, and didn't how how to get to I-95 South. They ended up in the Cherry Hill section of Baltimore, they asked a police officer for directions, and were promptly incarcerated.

According to the couple, they spotted a female police officer and asked her how to get on I-95. She told them to pull over; as they'd just run a stop sign. The couple said "Fine, we'll pay it, but can we have directions?" And then... well, then they were arrested for trespassing and spent eight hours in the hoosegow. As if watching the Royals play wasn't punishment enough. And the guy pictured... well, he doesn't look like the sort of chap who would do well in prison.

Couple Arrested For Asking For Directions [WBAL-TV]

Orioles' pitching has been a joke. One that's not that funny. Now an Orioles pitcher is making jokes. Ones that aren't that funny. Take the Bruce Chen Joke of the Day, please.

"What do you do with a one-legged dog?" Chen asks Camden Yards fans via the JumboTron. "Take him for a drag."

"Why did the bicycle keep falling over? Because it was too tired."

We find it disappointing that a pitcher of Chen's quality cannot come up with at least a decent knock-knock joke. Though we have a feeling that Chen might benefit from a late-night jam session with a colleague. Perhaps, say, Kaz Tadano.

Heard The One About The 4.97 ERA? [Baltimore Sun]

• 2. Be Barry, Barry Quiet. So the unfolding strategy seems to be: Don't give Barry anything remotely close to the strike zone. San Francisco's 6-5 win over Atlanta featured Bonds walking twice, grounding out and striking out looking in four at-bats. He remains stalled at 708 home runs in his quest to have an asterisk placed by his career total. On Friday a San Francisco talk host (Damon Bruce of KNBR-Sportsfone 68) said that he wondred why pitchers weren't throwing at Bonds. "If a guy was taking steroids and jacking balls out of the park on me, I'd throw at him." Hopefully cooler heads will prevail.

• 3. It's Willis And Pray For Four Days Of Rain. You gotta feel for Dontrelle Willis. And Marlins fans. The only marquee player Florida has remaining — and its only real chance to win any game these days — lost a battle with the Mets' Tom Glavine, 3-2. (OK, fine, Miguel Cabrera too.) David Wright's triple in the seventh and sacrifice fly in the ninth drove in all of New York's runs, giving the Mets a 4-1 start, after beginning 0-5 last season. Get ready, by the way, to hear the term "pitching duel" a lot in connection with Willis this season.

• 4. The Amazing Adventures Of Michael Barrett.Quite a weekend for Michael Barrett, whose grand slam off Jason Isringhausen in the eighth led the Cubs over the Cardinals 8-4 Sunday night to complete a three-game sweep, causing us, as Keith Olberman once famously said, to "Drool the drool of regret into the pillow of remorse." (We're over it now). In Friday's opener, Barrett caught Greg Maddux's 319th win, and on Saturday hit a game-tying pinch-hit home run. Off the field, however, his living room was crushed by a tree during a tornado in his hometown. His parents didn't tell him about it until after the series.

• 5. Hit This If You Can. We love knuckleball pitchers. They're baseball's throwbacks, the last of a dying tribe, getting by with guile and deception in a world of power and bravado. Tim Wakefield used his Wiffle Ball-like talents to baffle the Baltimore Orioles on Sunday, not such a hard thing to do, granted, but he earned a 4-1win nonetheless. Wakefield pitched six perilous innings without allowing an earned run, Adam Stern drove in two runs for the Red Sox, whose 5-1 start is their best since 1999. Somewhere Jimmy Fallon is thinking sequel.

MEDIA ALERT

Source: 5W Public Relations

Now. OK.

This world is full of scary, scary things, nasty large things, with sharp teeth and pointy claws. These things hold us all the day through, and they make us feel less than well, or, even worse, as if we are something other than we have always told ourselves we were. These things make us scared; they make us dead inside. They make us lose faith in our basic self-trust, as if the world is constantly shifting beneath our feet, as if what we have always thought of as real no longer exists as such.

And then ... as quickly as it had all been pulled away ... our faith is renewed. We look outside, and the sun shines brighter, the grass glistens, the sky is vast, open, endless, beautiful. There's hope out there, kids. There's hope for all of us. Your faith was rewarded.

It all worked out. Sleep easy, everyone: It's all going to be OK.

The Day The Music Died [Deadspin]

• 1. Why Your Hometown Columnist Doesn't Suck. Center fielder David Newhan's father, Ross Newhan, is the longtime baseball writer for the Los Angeles Times and is a member of the writer's wing of the Baseball Hall of Fame. He is a winner of the J.G. Taylor Spink Award.

• 2. When the Sun's Comin' Up They Got Cakes On the Griddle. John Denver lives on at Camden Yards: It's been an Orioles tradition since 1980 to play Denver's Thank God I'm a Country Boy after Take Me Out to the Ballgame during the seventh inning stretch. During the bridge of the song, in which Denver holds a long note, fans yell "Ooooooooh!" in honor of the O in Orioles. One time this didn't happen: During the filming of Major League II (1994), a movie about the Cleveland Indians, which was actually filmed at Camden Yards.

• 3. Fans Want Them To Flip The Bird. Some ardent Orioles' fans feel executives should reconsider switching the team's ornithologically correct cap to the classic smiling bird head hat. The old caps literally smiled on the Orioles as they won six division titles and three World Championships wearing them from 1966-1988. During that 22-year period the team even sported the highest winning percentage in the league. Since switching to the plainer bird caps in 1989, the Orioles have had 12 losing seasons over the past 17 years, including sub-.500 teams the past eight straight seasons. — (thanks to Shane Igoe).

• 4. They Will Kick Your Ass In Raquetball. Jeff Conine is a world-class racquetball player who won the 1985 Junior National Championships and has participated in several pro tournaments. But his wife, Cindy, may be even better. They won the 1999 U.S. National Doubles Racquetball Championship 25-and-over mixed doubles title. Cindy is a two-time national doubles champion and won the silver medal in women's doubles at the 1993 U.S. Olympic Festival in San Antonio.

(Tomorrow: The Minnesota Twins)

Obviously, the landscape of the American League East obviously changed dramatically yesterday, but we're gonna go ahead and try to forecast matters anyway. It's hard, but we must tredge forward, regardless. We must stay strong. Some bad predictions:

1. Boston Red Sox. We kind of have a feeling Manny Ramirez is going to knock in 160 runs this year. Plus, Coco Crisp raps.
2. New York Yankees. What if A-Rod turns out to be great in the clutch and the Yankees still don't make the playoffs? Who dies then?
3. Toronto Blue Jays. A.J. Burnett is already hurt. This is going to be ugly.
4. Tampa Bay Devil Rays. They're out of last! They're out of last!
5. Baltimore Orioles. We would raise them a spot of Brian Roberts would change his first name to "Bip."

So, you got thoughts on this? We bet you do. Bring it, in the comments.

Wait. We're not ready. Give us a second.

According to the New York Daily News, Anna caught Kris cheating on her with one of her friends. This, of course, begs the question: Anna Benson has friends? Anyway, Benson's publicist says, "She's completely crushed; she didn't see this coming. She had no choice but to take this action."

Hmm. Far be it from us to cast aspersions on the reputation of a woman with a shitload of guns, but let's look at the facts here. Just after a trade from the largest media market in the country to Baltimore, in the middle of spring training, Kris Benson decided that not only he was going to have sex with a woman who was not his wife, but specify that it be one of her friends? Really? Either Kris Benson is an even bigger moron than any of us could have possibly imagined ... or something's fishy about this tale. Or both, we suppose.

Bensons Kayoed [New York Daily News]
The Day The Music Died [Deadspin]
Do Not Mess With Anna Benson And Her Guns [Deadspin]