Ozzie Guillen explained to reporters that Colon is notoriously difficult to track down thanks to a phalanx of cousins and the unreliability of the Dominican phone system. So that explains why no one was really that concerned when he didn't check in with the organization before his scheduled rehab start tonight in Charlotte, North Carolina. But Guillen also had a different theory about Bartolo's radio silence.

"I worry about Colon because Colon was a big-time Michael Jackson fan," Guillen said. "He might [watch] the TV and cry all day long. Maybe he is in L.A. at his funeral, because I can't find him. When he gets to Charlotte, Oney (Guillen's son) will call me to say he's there.

"Nobody knows how big of a Jackson fan Colon was. I'm serious. He might be depressed a little bit."

Look, we all loved "Wanna Be Startin' Something", but don't you think the Gloved One would want you to get on with your life? Ok, he'd probably want you to put on a funny hat and go to a roller coaster park or something, but let's try to keep things professional.

Bartolo Colon still slated to start minor-league rehab Thursday night [Chicago Tribune]

Colon, is currently on the DL with knee trouble, but was scheduled to have a rehab start in Charlotte, North Carolina, tomorrow. There's just one snag—no one knows where he is.

"I know where he is supposed to be right now. He's supposed to be in [Triple-A] Charlotte, preparing to start Thursday," White Sox general manager Ken Williams said Tuesday. "Efforts to contact his agent have been successful. Their efforts to contact their client have not been so successful."

If Colon never arrives?

"Somebody will take the mound," Williams said. "This train is going to keep rolling."

Ok, that's ... odd. So many questions? How do you lose a major league pitcher? Have they checked the ground in front of the dugout? And should we concerned at this point? Williams doesn't seem too worried, but that was yesterday. When does he become an actual missing person? Am I going to regret making that fat guy joke? (I think I already kinda do. It was pretty hacky.)

Whereabouts unknown? Bartolo Colon scheduled to start for Charlotte Thursday [Chicago Tribune]

Say hello to Bartolo Colon, elite athlete. He has already eaten your soul, and is hungry for more. This is what happens when the only tips sitting in my inbox are A-Rod stories, Nigerian scam letters, and this gem from The Sports Hernia. You have no one to blame but yourself.

I can't get over the fact that this man has made over $70 million in his career. I've got a double chin and several days' worth of stubble too, and here I am stuck making dick jokes for you ungrateful SOBs. Life isn't fair. So...sit back, relax, and strap it down. Let's have some fun.

Oh, and send me your tips, or the horrors continue.

PS: Speaking of the White Sox, go buy your Pants Party ticket today if you haven't already.
MLB Photo Artistry Day Continues [The Sports Hernia]