When the Red Sox were in Detroit recently, a fan spotted Papelbon explaining the rules of craps to Hideki Okajima. The site, Out In Center Field, has a closeup of the complete board Papelbon draws out for Okajima and his translator, and even a video.

We always forget how rough life must be for a baseball player's translator. You must have to translate some seriously stupid shit.

High Rollers [Out In Center Field]

Baseball Prospectus was raving about the Rays at the beginning of the season, but you got the sense even they didn't quite believe it. We must salute those long-time Rays bloggers who have been dutifully documenting this team and, maybe, perhaps, who knows, could actually be rewarded this year. Predictably, they're trotting out the Bad News Bears references.

Five games over .500 is uncharted waters for the Rays, but why stop there? The earth isn't flat and we're not going to fall off if we surpass 5 games over. Let's hope that our team plays with chips on their shoulders, rather than listen to ESPN/Fox or any other fairweather media outlet who have started to toot Tampa Bay horns because the Rays have a better record than the Yankees. (Ed. Note: We haven't the slightest idea what you're referring to!) Last time out, when we had our 3-game sweep of the Red Sox, we had a day off and my only guess is that the team listened to all the BBTN positive remarks and they were quickly brought back down to earth on the Tuesday game.

I know a few posters here were alive when the original "Bad News Bears" movie was out in theatres, or was played on TV, and Walter Mathau's character was reading the schedule of the games up ahead. Next up is the Yankees, what does it mean for the Yankees?? Bad news for the Yankees!!!

We can't help but cheer for the Rays all week. Not just because they're playing the Yankees, of course. This sort of optimism is so rare in Tampa that it would be devastating, we think to see it extinguished so quickly.

The Bad News Rays [Drays Bay]

That seems awfully unlikely too. The only current major league hitting .400 is Chipper Jones, and you can't like his odds to keep that going.

He'd like to get exactly 502 PAs, which is the minimum required to qualify for the batting title. If he did that, his odds would be 1 in 225. As those PAs go up, it gets very unlikely, very quickly. Weighting the 618 PA scenario as 40%, and the other three as 10%, 30%, and 20%, respectively, we come to odds of 1 in 546.

If he keeps this up (unlikely), some enterprising gambling site will probably offer odds on whether he'll hit .400. I'll be interested to see what they are, although I'm sure they'll be absolutely terrible. If they were listed now, I think they'd probably be along the lines of 50:1, maybe even 25:1.

To be fair, Chipper is already 3-for-3 today.

Baseball is entering a stage now when records will fall at a far slower rate than they used to. We find this a relief. The fewer records that are broken now, the fewer moralizing nostalgic, "there will NEVER BE ANOTHER MICKEY MANTLE" warblings we'll have to read. We're ready for a break from records and milestones for a while, thanks.

What Are The Odds? Chipper's Quest For .400 [Vegas Watch]

A word, however, on Miller Park, and that retractable roof. The roof has been closed for every game so far this season, and we asked about 15 different people why that was — it didn't rain either day — and got about 15 different answers. (The Brewers have had tons of problems with their roof anyway.) Some said it was because it takes forever to open, some said it has to be a perfect day, some said the ball carries better inside and the struggling Brewers offense needed all the help it could get. But no one seemed to really understand why, and that includes several reporters who could, conceivably, ask.

But they did have dollar hot dogs all weekend and a massive parking lot in which we drank many Miller Lites and watched people play a game called "Testicle Toss." And the beer man freaked out our parents and us by saying, upon handing us our MGD Lites, "Hey, you're the guy who got yelled at on TV. Man, that guy was just goin' crazy." There are more HBO subscribers than we realized, apparently. We quietly sipped our beverages, kept score and remained focused on the game after that. Freaking Isringhausen.

Of course all of this didn't stop the Mariners' scoreless streak from reaching 22 innings in a 5-0 loss. Texas used five pitchers in the shutout, and Ramon Vazquez had four hits, including a run-scoring double. Seattle starter Felix Hernandez had hit both Gerald Laird and Ian Kinsler with pitches earlier in the game.

I'll tell you though, in my opinion Sexson deserves to get brushed back, and here's why. There's nothing lower than someone who taunts fans with the old ball-on-a-string trick.

• Another Webb Gem. It's nice for Diamondbacks fielders to get an extra day off once a week. Brandon Webb is becoming completely monotonous and predictable, now 8-0 after eight starts. His first complete game of the season was an 8-3 win over the Phillies. He hit one batter, Eric Bruntlett, who was not aware that Thursday was Charge the Mound Day, and simply walked to first base.

• It Just Doesn't Matter! It Just Doesn't Matter! Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon, Robinson Cano and Wilson Betemit all hit home runs as the Yankees beat the Indians 6-3. Yet the guys at Camp Mohawk still get all the women.

• Who Lives In A Pineapple Under The Sea? First the good news, Florida Marlins fans. You're still in first, one game ahead of the Phillies. Now the bad news ... a scorpion has just crawled into your pants! Also, you're done playing the Brewers for this year. Matt Treanor had a three-run homer as Florida beat Milwaukee 7-2, completing a three-game sweep. This now frees the Brewers to head home to play the Cardinals, where a Mr. Will Leitch is waiting in the parking lot reviewing the Miller Park alcohol policy.

• Nobody Makes Me Bleed My Own Blood! Boston's Josh Beckett beat Detroit's Justin ZooVerlander in a battle of aces, 5-1, as the former recorded the 1,000th strikeout of his career (huzzah!). Kevin Youkilis had a two-run homer in the fifth and Jason Varitek a two-run single in the second. By the way, when your ace is 1-6, that usually spells big trouble.

The CPL of course is a collegiate summer league, but operated as a professional minor league from 1937 to 1952. The CPL returned in 1997 to fill a void in summer baseball, and now features 14 teams from North Carolina, South Carolina and Virginia. Among them are the Thomasville Hi-Toms, the Wilmington Sharks and the Wilson Tobs. But none of their mascots can equal the charm and brooding sex appeal of Blowie, seen in action below during a 2007 game.

And remember, kids love Blowie!

Now, a trip to the land of minor league promotions:

• Prom Gone Wrong Night. Tonight, Stockton Ports (Class A California League). Featuring painful songs of heartache and rejection; awkward and embarrassing photos on the video board; parental chaperones ... just like your prom, except that afterwards there might be sex. [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• 80's Hair Rock Night. Friday, May 9. West Virginia Power (Class A South Atlantic League). I always get my Hair Rock confused with my Glam Rock and my Glitter Rock. At any rate, there should be plenty of Mott The Hoople.

• Mascot/PA Announcer Tryouts. Saturday, May 10, Grand Prairie AirHogs (Independent American Association). "The Grand Prairie AirHogs have announced try-outs for various positions this coming Saturday. The team hopes to find its PA Announcer, Mascot, and National Anthem Singers all in one day. All are welcome. The auditions will take place at QuikTrip Park at Grand Prairie, located at 1600 Lone Star Parkway." Also, it couldn't hurt to bring your glove.

• Soybean Night. May 27, Fargo-Moorehead Redhawks (Independent Northern League). Not sure of the details here. All I know is that it's sponsored by the North Dakota Soybean Council, and you know how crazy those guys can get.

• Figurine of the Moment. Ryan Howard Snow Globe Giveaway, Tonight, Reading Phillies (Class AA Eastern League). Howard, a Reading Phillies alumn, as you've always imagined him: In a Santa outfit, in a globe, surrounded by fake snow. It'll be our merriest Christmas ever!

Send all minor league baseball promotional tips, photos and game accounts to RickChand@GMail.com. Thanks!

Here's the thing though: Zito didn't suck (loud crash as you drop whatever that is that you were holding). He began with three scoreless innings, and finished with five innings pitched, giving up three hits, two earned runs and two walks, with five strikeouts. Xavier Nady had a two-run homer in the fourth; did you know he leads the NL in RBIs? Dumatrait, by the way, went 5 2/3 scoreless innings for the win, so congratulations to all of you who have him on your fantasy teams. *Crickets.* But Zito; light at the end of the tunnel. I know he can win a game if we all believe. Clap your hands if you believe!

• His Mob Name Is Joey Three Times. Remember this day, my friends, as the day that The Big Red Machine returned to Cincinnati. The Reds hit seven homers — three by Joey Votto — to claim a 9-0 win over the Cubs. The seven home runs broke the Reds' team single-game record at Great American Ball Park, and it's the most the Reds have hit in a game since setting the NL record with nine in Philadelphia on Sept. 4, 1999. Four of them came in the fourth off of Jon "Danger: Flammable Contents" Lieber.

• Bring Back The Sex Doll Shrine. Carlos Gomez hit for the cycle, which last happened to a Twins player a mere 22 years ago when Kirby Puckett did it. Livan Hernandez took a shutout into the ninth, and the Twins beat the White Sox 13-1. By the way, a friend of mine who saw the shrine said it was nothing bad, and that the only reason there was a controversy was because the Toronto media was determined to make make a big deal out of it. Beanball war! I hope the two teams harbor no ill feelings toward one another.

• Battle Of Unbeatens Results In One Being Beaten. Cleveland's Cliff Lee — the anti-Zito — improved to 6-0 in six total starts, handing Chien-Ming Wang his first loss in a 3-0 decision over the Yankees. Fun fact I learned from a blog named CastroTurf: Lee (0.81 ERA) is working on a streak of 28 consecutive innings without giving up a walk, which is the longest streak in the majors.

• Your Eephus Pitch Update. Today's victim of the eephus pitch is David Ortiz (actually Tuesday, I think). Enjoy.

One would think the legions of scribblers who emptied out of the press section after a mere half dozen tallies in the top of the initial innings would know better. Surely, they had learned the lesson of Henri Cochet, and would never assume a result, regardless of score. Granted, it was the Sabbath, and Lord knows home and hearth are more important on the Day of Rest than mere sport. But those that departed should consider themselves accursed — they missed a famous rally by the Minnesotans, who pulled themselves from a six-run hole to stun gun the Motor City Tigers, 7-6.

The Lads from the 3-1-3 were like a sailor just returned from a months-long whaling voyage — eager to get started and quick to finish. The Wordy Whirlwind, Curtis Granderson, emerged from his mother's basement to rock a Leadoff Long Sock to the deepest reaches of Humphrey's Hothouse. 1-0, Stripes, while the concessionaires were still stuffing X-Ray Specs into boxes of Cracker Jack. Legally Boof Bonser was the starting moundsman for the Fraternals, and he absorbed a beating like those the Pinkertons regularly dole out to those who dare brandish the Union Label.

Knocks by Mucho Macho Magglio, Squeeze Guillen and Edgar Rent-A-Wreck ballooned the lead to four. And a day that was starting sour for the Boofy One started positively acerbic for battery mate Just-So Joe Mauer. Not since he stopped squiring beauty queens around the Twin Cities has Joe been so un-Mauer like in his flailings. First, he failed to stop a Boofball before it reached the backstop, despite the fact that The Pudgy Pinko had swung and missed. Cagily, Ivan had found a way to reach first, despite showing Napoleon-invades Russia-like judgment in the batting box. Squeeze scored the game's fifth tally on the play as well. Then Mr. Perfect compounded his error by trying to nail the Commie Catcher as he tried to pilfer the Middle Sack. The throw sailed high, wide, and Gable-handsome, and another tally ticked on the big board.

Just when it seemed this Land of Ten Thousand Lakes didn't have enough water to extinguish the flaming Cats, Legally Boof managed to jujitsu the overconfident Granderson, who swung like Atlas but missed like the weakling with sand kicked in his face. Still, the Rivetheads were on a pace to score 54 runs in the game. And with Kenny "Fold 'Em, Already" Rogers assuming twirling duties for the Olde English, the half-dozen should have been safe as houses.

But the Sons of the North Star don't believe in phrases like "should have" when it comes to base ball. They prefer phrases like "it's not over until we're naked." Indeed, appearances to the contrary, only the cartoons had unspun from the projector — the feature presentation was still to come (also, the newsreels, but we all know those can't be trusted).

Justin "Loonie" Morneau's shrieker plated a tally in the fourth innings, a seemingly innocuous development at the time, but one that would have a spiraling effect similar to the assassination of the Archduke Ferdinand. Nick "Runto" Punto smeared a slopball for two sacks in the following innings, bringing a pair of Siamese all the way around. Pope Bonser apparently had brainwashed his way to forgetting the debacle out of the starting gate, and was firmly in command. Somehow, that Half-Dozen from Hades hadn't etched the result in adamantine — halfway through the voyage, neither squad's landfall was guaranteed.

Things were calm until the Stretch Innings, when a display of infield fallibility poached the Stripes. The Coward of Camera County acquired a pair of speedy outs, but grooved a "fastball" to Matt "Rebel Yell" Tolbert, who whistled one for two bags. Then came the contest's hinge action. Runto dribbled one down to the Left Base, where "Squeeze" Guillen has relocated. 'Los is still finding his way around the neighborhood, and on this play, he wandered down a dead end street. His throw would have been competent enough had he been wielding a pipe bomb, but for horsehide, it was woefully inaccurate. Whereas E6 was seldom applied to his name during Squeeze's shortstopping days, this wild one was already E#6 on this nascent campaign.

These opportunistic Twinks rushed into the opening like Sooners. Zombie Zach Miner replaced The Roaster, who retired to a chicken dinner in the clubhouse. A brace of safeties later, the scoreboard read 6-5, and Miner left his team with Major difficulty. Bobby "Sydney" Seay replaced the Z, to be greeted by the Gibraltor-like physique of the All-American Swing himself, Just-So Joe Mauer. As usual, the grandstands were packed with local idolators of the St. Paul Saint. They had sat sullen as their Hero suffered in the game's early stages, but now they cheered with a full-throated roar that reached Krakatoan decibels. And, as any good protagonist does, JSJ delivered when spotlit. A stroke of genius right up the box was good for the tying and go-ahead tallies, and, with Tunney-like improbability, the Twin City Paladins had erased the elephantine deficit and emerged on top.

There was still work to do, and the firm of Guerrier and Nathan was up to it. "A Touch Of Sleep" Nathan ran into a spot of ill in the ultimate innings, once again thanks to the derring-do of Mr. Blogspot. He legged out a 75-footer, and applied some larceny to the Middle Bag. A safety from the Acquisition would have tied the contest, but unlike Mauer, El Grande Posterior failed to deliver decisively. Joe winged a trio of Whamm-O's past the helplessly befuddled Cabrera, and the Twins had managed an unlikely Brooming of Panthera Tigris.

Afterward, wearing nothing but his soup-strainer, Hard Pack Leyland bristled, in language unsuitable for the softer sex. "There will be changes tomorrow," he promised with Kaiser-like intensity. If those words don't send a shiver down the collective backbone of the Motown Nine, they are as devoid of humanity and emotion as they have seemed on the pitch of late.

Under the initiative, teams will "draft" surviving Negro League players. The individuals selected will represent all the black ballplayers that were denied a chance to play in the Majors because of their skin color. Major League Baseball will preassign draft selections, based in part on any requests teams might have. Each team will compensate the player it selects with a stipend. Major League Baseball will pick up the travel expenses for each player (and a companion) to the Draft headquarters in Orlando.

In 1997, Major League Baseball awarded $1,000-per-month pensions and medical benefits to many black players who did not get an opportunity to play in the Majors. I'm not sure how this new initiative affects that, but I do know that as the percentage of black players in the league continues to drop, MLB is looking for creative PR solutions to help plug the leak.

My question: How will the draft order be decided? I think it should go by the year that the team became integrated. So the Dodgers would get the first pick, and the Red Sox would choose last (and then trade that player the following season). In any event, you can watch the draft live at BaseballChannel.TV at 1 p.m. ET, with the 2008 First-Year Player Draft at 2 p.m.

MLB To 'Draft' Negro Leaguers [MLB.com]

OK ... actually, the beer bottle appears to be empty. But how did it get that way, and how many more empties are under the seat?

Video: Babies Drinking Beer At The Ballpark? Always Good Fun [Bugs & Cranks]

Yeah, Challis' story is one of courage, sadness, inspiration, hope, all of that. But to fully wrap your mind around it, you're just going to have to read it for yourself. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is following his story, and ran this amazing piece by Mike White on Sunday. If you do nothing else today, please take a look. This is one amazing kid.

All of Aliquippa's baseball players wear John's jersey number "11" on their hats. At the walk-a-thon, Aliquippa star athlete Jonathan Baldwin, a Pitt football recruit, presented him with a ball signed by Pitt players. After the walk, John addressed the crowd. "He spoke from his heart," Mr. Wetzel, the coach, said. "He said, 'I've got two options. I know I'm going to die, so I can either sit at home and feel sorry, or I could spread my message to everybody to live life to the fullest and help those in need.' After hearing that, I don't know if there were many people not crying."

His story touched me, and maybe it will do the same for you. But I'm not going to bore you further with my take on this; better that you hear it from him.

"I used to be afraid, but I'm not afraid of dying now, if that's what you want to know," he said. "Because life ain't about how many breaths you take. It's what you do with those breaths."

Teen Is Running Out Of Innings, But The Game Isn't Over [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]
Cancer-Stricken Baseball Player Gets One Last Hit [SportsbyBrooks]

We were already out of college by then — as we said, we're quite old — but we, like everybody within shouting distance of a television, sat rapt while watching perhaps the greatest pitching performance ever. We can't imagine anyone ever improving on that. Twenty strikeouts? One (questionable) hit? No walks? Come on.

Even as a Cardinals fan, we find it a shame what happened to Wood; at this time, after this game, he seemed like Roger Clemens reborn, ornery, inflamed, terrifying. If the Cubs ever do make a World Series, it would seem fitting that Wood might be the guy to close out and send them there. Like that will ever happen of course.

Here's the highlight video, complete with old-school ESPN graphics:

As tough and big as he seems, he is real wimpy around doctors or any type of medical situation. I don't know why I thought the birth of our child would be different. In the middle of the night, I realized that I needed to go to the hospital. I wake him up. The first thing that comes out of his mouth, 'Can we call your mother?' And I started, 'No. Let's wait and make sure that I am in labor, and make sure that, you know, it's the middle of the night.' And go to the hospital and everything. And finally, a few hours later, I said, 'I think you can call my mom now.'

"Uh, and the color came back to his face when I told him he could call my mom. And then forget it. I was like not even having a baby; he was the one. The one nurse had a cold cloth on his head. The other nurse had the blood pressure on his arm. And my mother was like rubbing his back. And he is passed out on a couch. And I am there, in the middle of labor. And really, I am not being paid much attention to besides the doctor and a couple of nurses. And he is there moaning. In between pushing, I am going, 'Honey, are you OK?' And are you breathing? Are you OK?' "

And that, friends, is why you should never, ever get caught walking around with a muscular stripper in Las Vegas.

A-Rod Not So Clutch In The Delivery Room [LoHud Blog]

Daisuke-K (5-0) surrendered eight of Boston's 10 walks, but Mike Lowell (!), Kevin Youkilis and David Ortiz all hit homers for the Stockings, who won their fourth straight. From AP: "Matsuzaka had coldlike symptoms throughout the day and didn't feel good." Awww ... get out there and pitch, mama's boy. But I kid Dice-K, who lasted five innings, with Dancin' Jonathan Papelbon pitching the ninth for his 10th save in 10 chances. By the way, thanks for the photo, Sox and Dawgs. Also, Sheffield batting sixth? And playing left? Is this permanent, Mr. Leyland?

• Rock On. Which Santana is better? The Angels' Ervin (6-0) or the Mets' Johan ($137.5 million through 2013)? Discuss. Quiz: Which one was born in Venezuela, and which was born in the Dominican?

• While On The Subject Of The Mets ... Matt Kemp — he's the NL Player of the Week, you know — had a home run to lead off the game as the Dodgers beat Oliver Perez and the Mets, 5-1. That's nine wins in 10 games for Torre's squad.

• In Case Of Fire, Use Stairs. Well, that didn't improve Ozzie Guillen's mood any. Matt Stairs' home run was the only meaningful offense in Toronto's 1-0 win over the White Sox, which featured a great pitching duel between Dustin McGowan and Javier Vazquez. Toronto closer B.J. Ryan walked the bases loaded in the ninth, but Pablo Ozuna grounded into a 1-2-3 double play to end the game.

• Go To Bed Old Man! One day after being mocked by this writer as being old enough to have fought the Nazis alongside Indiana Jones, Jamie Moyer threw my words back into my face, outpitching Arizona's Max Scherzer in an 11-4 Phillies victory. Moyer, making the 558th start of his career, went seven innings. Although with 11 runs, I could have lasted five. Moyer also doubled.

• Eric The Half-A-Bee. Larry Brown Sports makes the case against the Brewers sticking with Eric Gagne as their closer. Making the case for Gagne will be the actual Larry Brown.

According to authorities, Ivonne Hernandez had gotten into a fight with another woman in the parking lot of a Nashua, N.H. bar. As she was leaving, the other woman and the group she was with — all Red Sox fans — noticed that Hernandez had a Yankees sticker on her car. They began taunting her, yelling "Yankees suck!," prompting Hernandez to turn her 1997 Dodge Intrepid toward the group. She accelerated and slammed into a 29-year-old man, Matthew Beaudoin, killing him.

"I want her to rot in a cold jail cell for the rest of her life and remember every day the face that hit her windshield," Faith Beaudoin, the victim's sister, said in a phone interview. "I want her to remember that she took a wonderful, kind-hearted gentleman. She has children of her own. How could she want to harm another's child?"

Hernandez, a 43-year-old mother from Nashua, was arrested at the scene. Amazingly, alcohol seems to have been involved. And here's the mug shot you've all been waiting for. Form an orderly line, fellers.

Here's a tribute to the late Red Sox fan.

Sox-Yankee Rivalry Cited In N.H. Fatality [Boston Globe]
Yankees Fans Hate Red Sox Fans [Larry Brown Sports]

He admitted to no specific wrongdoing. See for yourself:

"I know that many people want to know what I have to say about the recent articles in the media. Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right."

Never has the non-apology apology been so artfully crafted. That's some fancy pitching right there. He's still got it, folks.

Elsewhere in the Kingdom of Remorse:

• The beard stubble and sailor's tattoos should have been a clue. Sorry. — Ronaldo

• Sorry I will soon make you forget about Erin Andrews — Samantha Steele (via SportsbyBrooks)

• Sorry I will soon make you forget about Allison Stokke. — Jessica Gysin

• Sorry about the crybaby shirts. Please stop calling in phony orders. — Papa Johns

• Sorry for faking The Big One one too many times, 'Lizbeth. — An actor

Clemens Regrets Personal 'Mistakes' [Houston Chronicle]

When Miguel Tejada met 8-year-old Jacob Scott on Friday, he was so touched by the little boy with muscular dystrophy he promised him a home run. Tejada fulfilled his vow to the youngster by hitting the first of three straight Houston home runs in a 7-4 win over the Milwaukee Brewers. The Astros hit five homers in the game.

"I was so excited," said Tejada, who'd never promised a home run before. "I know it's hard to tell someone you'll hit a home run and do it. But today when I went to lunch with this kid I wanted him to be happy. So I told him I'd do it."

We would like to see Tom Farrey interview Tejada afterwards. "Isn't it true that you actually promised him a ball over the left field wall, rather than over the right? Mr. Tejada? Mr. Tejada? Where are you going?"

Miguel Tejada Gets His Babe Ruth On [MachoChip]
ESPN Plays To Catch A Predator [Deadspin]

Clemens acknowledged those reports and was surprisingly contrite about some of the allegations:

"I know that many people want to know what I have to say about the recent articles in the media. Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right."

But he wants you to know that, regardless of some of his tomcatting missteps in the past, it doesn't mean he cheated on baseball — or had sex with a 15-year-old country singer.:

"I believe my personal life has nothing to do with the accusations of steroid and HGH use.[N]ow, I have been accused of having an improper relationship with a 15-year-old girl. Nothing could be further from the truth. This relationship has been twisted and distorted far beyond reality. It is just one of many, many accusations that are utterly false"

See? Image restored.

Clemens Apologizes For 'Mistakes' [ABC News]

For years, we have dreamed of a Cardinals-Cubs playoff series. It would be like the Red Sox-Yankees, except everyone would be nicer to each other. The Cardinals-Cubs rivalry is our favorite because it's fierce but good-natured; both team's fans desperately want the others' to lose, and suffer, but it's nothing personal. We're all very Midwestern that way.

The Cardinals are a half-game up on the Cubs in the NL Central, and though it's early May, and it's difficult to argue that the Cubs aren't ultimately the better team, it's still inspiring to dream of a season-long pennant chase. In this 100th year since the Cubs won the World Series, it would have a certain poetry to see the two teams in the NLCS, battling out to decide history. It's not gonna happen, but dammit: We can dream.

Anyway, in case you were wondering what we were up to this weekend. Because of course you were.

''I think it will be very cool,'' Sandberg said. ''It's probably a chance of a lifetime for some of these players to come to here and actually play a game at Wrigley Field. I can't imagine what that will be like for them. I'm excited about it and I know the fans will have some fun with the game. It's bringing minor-league baseball to Wrigley for one night.''

So this is kind of a big deal; like when the Bad News Bears played in the Astrodome. I'll be interested to see what kind of attendance this draws. I had jokes all ready to go about how playing a minor league game at Wrigley would be redundant, but the Cubs are in first place, so I threw them out. Dammit. Instead, once again enjoy this fat guy stuck in the outfield screen.

Sandberg's Chiefs To Host Cougars At Wrigley [Chicago Sun-Times]

We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy. What do we study here? THE WAY OF THE FIST, SIR. And what is that way? STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY, SIR. And when the Fresno Grizzlies stage a promotion, they also take no prisoners. Thursday, May 15 is Totally Rad '80s Night at Chukchansi Park, where the honored guest will be Cobra Kai karate dojo bad boy Johnny Lawrence. Yes, Daniel-san's nemesis, in person. Not for the meek!

In case you question his credentials, Mr. Lawrence was voted No. 1 in Star Pulse magazine's list of Top Movie Dicks of All Time in 2006. Not only did he sweep Daniel Russo's leg in a pivotal scene in the 1984 film The Karate Kid, but let us not forget that he was also responsible for smashing Daniel's boom box at the beach, and trashing his bike. We will never forget his sneer and his solar panel hairstyle (see video below).

His real name is Billy Zabka, and he appeared in several films subsequent to The Karate Kid; among them the 1992 classic Shootfighter: Fight To The Death. Now 42, he's still active in films and is a creative director for a music publishing firm.

"When we decided to have an '80s night, and learned that Billy Zabka lived lived in Grass Valley (near Sacramento), it was a natural to try and get him," said Grizzlies' Vice President of Marketing Scott Carter. "He was glad to do it. We asked him if we could recreate a Karate Kid fight scene and have our mascot, Parker, kick him in the face. He said sure." Totally Rad '80s Night will also feature a tribute to Garbage Pail Kids, '80s music, and other things yet to be dreamed up. Grab your body bag and come on down. Yeah!

Other promotions you're not going to want to miss:

• Tree Sapling Giveaway. Friday, South Bend Silver Hawks (Class-A Midwest League). Who can resist a promotion in which the first 3,000 fans receive trees? Kind of like a do-it-yourself bat day. (Note: No, ESPN employees may not keep the trees).

• Who Wants To Be A Mexican Millionaire? Monday, May 5, Huntsville Stars (Class-AA Southern League).
Celebrate Cinco de Mayo the good, old-fashioned politically incorrect way, as the Stars will hand out "green cards" and take whacks at a "human pinata." Plus, for two bucks, Gen. Santa Ana will let you drink a beer from his artificial leg. [Thanks to Benjamin Hill]

• Chris Snee Day. May 18, Binghamton Mets (Class-AA Eastern League). The Mets honor the New York Giants offensive guard and Montrose, Pa., native, who will sign autographs before the game with the Erie Seawolves. Please form an orderly line. Mr. Snee will not sign body parts.

• Bobblehead of the Moment. Ross Grimsley Bobblehead Giveaway. Saturday, Augusta GreenJackets (Class-A South Atlantic League). The GreenJackets salute the 1970s with $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon in 16oz. cans, disco dancing, twister, afros and Ross Grimsley, the former Reds, Orioles and Expos pitcher who is their current pitching coach. The doll should be a very interesting and sought-after item.

We're looking for your Minor League tips. Send all photos, game accounts, promotional news and recipes to RickChand@GMail.com. Thanks!

Lee (5-0) ran his consecutive scoreless innings streak to 27 before Wladimir Balentien's three-run homer in the seventh. That raised his ERA from 0.28 to 0.96, still lowest in the majors. Franklin Gutierrez had a run-scoring single in the fourth and a two-run single in the fifth for the Indians, still two games below .500 in the Central.

• At Wrigley Field (15th Place). Mark Cuban watched the Cubs exceed Brandon Bass' playoff scoring average as Chicago unleashed hell on the Brewers, 19-5. It was the Cubs' 17th April win, a club record. Geovany Soto had two three-run homers for Chicago.

• At Yankee Stadium (20th Place). Placido Polanco — one of the Three Tenors, if I'm not mistaken — had two homers to lead the Tigers to a 6-2 win over the reeling Yankees, who played their first game with Alex Rodriguez on the disabled list. Gary Sheffield had two hits for Detroit, which has won seven of nine but is still below .500 (13-15).

• At Shea Stadium (28th Place). Tom Gorzelanny allowed one hit over five innings for the win, then sent his bobblehead doll to talk with reporters after the game as the Pirates beat the Mets 13-1. Pittsburgh scored nine unearned runs, and ex-Met Xavier Nady was 3-for-3 with three RBI.

• Bad News Braves. Mike Hampton, who was supposed by be back for a May 10 start with Atlanta, won't be coming back any time soon. And the Braves need him, dammit.

From the site's description of Jim Leyland's '86 Topps card:

Oh, Jim. Before you go. One more thing. We almost forgot. You'll still get the talent, and the raise, and the big chair, and all that. But you're going to have to wear a hat made of mosquito netting. And it's about three feet tall. It's a completely ridiculous hat, Jim, but, well, we feel very strongly about this.

But my favorite card has to be the one below. Bottom of the ninth, down by three, bases loaded with two outs; the only thing that can save us now is a home run. Knoop, grab the biggest bat you can find and get in there!

The Ugly Baseball Card Blog

Taken aback by this development, the Cubs began their inevitable fall from grace with a 10-7 loss to the Brewers, who collected 17 hits off of five Chicago pitchers (Jason Marquis started and went five innings, taking the loss). Mike Cameron, Corey Hart, Bill Hall and JJ "Kid Dyn-o-mite" Hardy all had three hits for the Brewers. With Alfonso Soriano returning from the DL on Thursday, the Cubs will get about beating this jinx business. But just in case, I'm learning how to say Epic Fail in Japanese.

• The Yankees Have Jumped The Shark. Alex Rodriguez has been placed on the 15-day DL, a development that has caused much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the Bronx, but at least Jorge Posada now has some company. The Yankees celebrated this news by losing 6-4 to the resurgent Tigers, as Gary Sheffield and Curtis Granderson had homers and Kenny Rogers earned the win. Detroit (12-15) has won six of its past eight.

• The Sky Is Falling On Roy Halladay. If you've got kids, you've probably seen the movie Chicken Little, and the baseball scene therein. In that scene Chicken hits a home run to win the game, and takes about an hour rounding the bases, with all manner of comical missteps along the way. Such was the scene on Tuesday with David Ortiz, who scored from second on Kevin Youkilis' single in the ninth to give the Red Sox a 1-0 win over the Blue Jays. Vernon Wells helped by butchering the ball in center as Ortiz chugged around third. Jon Lester threw a one-hitter over eight innings for the win, and Roy Halladay went all the way for the loss; his fourth straight complete game, and third loss. Damn.

• The Joe Saunders Show. This Angels-Athletics rivalry is getting to be an entertaining thing. Joe Saunders went to 5-0 as LA/Anaheim/Fullerton beat Oakland 2-0, moving into a first-place tie with the Athletics in the West.

• Torre On A Roll? The offensive stylings of Jeff Kent — a two-out single in the ninth — broke a tie and gave the Dodgers their fourth straight win, 7-6, over your still-in-first-place Florida Marlins.

• Your Padres Update For Today. Maddux gives up, will skip over win No. 350 and go directly to No. 351.

The Cubs had lost that day in 1983 by one run to the Dodgers, dropping to 5-14, and Elia was responding to the booing of his team by the Wrigley crowd. The great thing about it was the Elia just kept going on and on, with 16 F-bombs, by my count. And then two hours later he was apologizing for the entire thing. Unlike, say, Lasorda's notable harangue of a reporter following a 1985 playoff game with the Cardinals (Lasorda had stupidly elected to pitch to slugger Jack Clark with first base open, with predictable results), Elia's diatribe seemed heartfelt, rather than staged. Here's the money quote:

Eighty-five percent of the $%#@! world is working. The other fifteen come out here. A $%#@!' playground for the %&*#suckers.

And now you can own a piece of history. Darren Rovell at CNBC points us to a company called A&R Collectibles, which is selling baseballs autographed by Elia which are stored in special cases that include a recording of the rant. Buy one for your son or daughter and share a lifetime of treasured Cub memories.

Lee Elia: Former Cubs Manager Cashed In On Tirade [CNBC]

Today, Luke Burbank, the host of "Too Beautiful To Live" on 710 KIRO in Seattle, tells the tale of his career-changing run-in with Lou Piniella and the 1996 Seattle Mariners.

I was a really nervous, still-pimply 20 year-old trying to pretend I was some kind of real sports reporter.

My internship at the college NPR station was enough to get me press access to the Mariners' locker room, but that non-laminated day pass with "NBR" written on it wasn't exactly blowing Lou Piniella's mind-grapes the way I'd thought it would. It was August 1996, and the M's were locked in a tight division race with The Rangers. They'd come home for a make-or-break nine game stand. Somehow, I'd conned my way into an assignment doing a story about the insane breakout year A-Rod was having. This was going to be easy, just get some quotes from Piniella, and Griffey and Buhner and A-Rod and be on my way. Why wouldn't they want to talk about his awesome season? Well, because theirs was about to go to complete shit, that's why.

During the home stand, the M's managed to go 1-8 and fall completely and utterly out of the race. Every day I would go to the locker room hoping that they would not be in a super-pissed mood, and every day it would get worse. Baseball players (more than any other athletes, in my opinion) are total fucking babies when they lose.

Finally the last game arrived. The clubhouse was like a morgue. I was determined to get that goddamn tape no matter what. Here is a minute by minute account of that night:

6:02 pm (Pregame): In the trainer's office I can see A-Rod getting a rubdown or something. This is great. The clubhouse is totally empty and I am going to get my quote as soon as he emerges. There's only one problem. For some reason, my peeking into that room infuriates Mike Jackson. He runs up to me and starts screaming at the top of his lungs, 'WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!?' 'THE MAN IS GETTING TREATMENT!!' "I'm I'm just trying to to get my my quote" I stammer (literally holding back tears). 'GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AFTER THE GAME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!"

Never mind that MLB requires teams to open their locker rooms before games so that reporters can get quotes. Apparently Mike Jackson takes a dim view of this rule. One other problem, it wasn't even A-Rod in there. It was Rafael Carmona. His back was to me and they look like the same guy. I'm racist and I don't have a quote and Mike Jackson wants to rape me. Awesome.

7:15 (Game time): Terrified by my encounter with MJ, I figure I'll just lay low and hope to Jobu that they win. Then they'll have to be in a better mood. I leave a bucket of KFC in front of my Jobu shrine. It totally works. They win.

10:13 (Post Game): The Seattle Mariners are more pissed than ever. Pissed like Blazer fans in 1986 realizing Jordan was going to be Jordan just as Sam Bowie picks up another three in the key. I still don't know why this was. Probably residual anger from the previous eight games or something.

10:14: Ken Griffey Jr. is sitting, fully reclined, in a barca lounger in front of his locker. This is a bad spot for this huge-ass chair, because his locker is also right next to the only narrow hall out to the field. This means everyone trying to go play in the baseball game has to hug the wall to try to get around his chair. He is playing Nintendo on a flat screen TV (very, very fancy for 1996) and eating a chocolate bar. Five different times I try to ask him a few questions. Not only does he not respond, he is totally unaware that another human being is trying to talk to him. I am basically Bill Murray during the ghosty part of Scrooged. I finally give up.

10:16: Still terrified of a "Mike Jacksoning," I cower behind a huge empty couch. Apparently I also accidentally lean on it, because from across the room Chris Bosio starts hollering. "WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!!" "GET OFF THAT COUCH!!" I stumble, dazed, towards a completely naked Jay Buhner.

10:18: During his time as a Mariner, Jay Buhner was known as quite the prankster. Of course, as me and my friend Bill often discussed the line between "prankster" and "total asshole who purposefully vomits into your work hat" is kind of a fuzzy one. So anyway, Buhner is completely completely naked. No towel. No undies. Nothing. And that's not even the creepy part. He agrees to talk to me (jackpot!) but during the entire interview he refuses to look at me. Instead, he goes to work on, and is completely fixated with, an ingrown hair literally ONE MICRON from his dong. If I want to interview Jay Buhner, I will also be interviewing his dong. That is just how he rolls. Desperate, I do the interview. It actually goes OK.

10:23: Wonder of Wonders! A-Rod is clean, showered, not Rafael Carmona, and walking out of the locker room by himself. I run out to talk to him. He is totally polite, and professional, and cardboard. But he's not yelling at me, or ignoring me, or naked, so I consider the interview a big success.

10:37: I'm just one interview away from having my story: Sweet Lou.

10:48 : All hyperbole aside, Lou Piniella is the most terrifying man ever in history ever. And he really needs to buy some new underwear. He's sitting in his office behind his desk. No shirt (what is this with the nakedness?), just some tattered tighty whities, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer. The office is very small. The beat reporters (these dudes are plenty grizzled themselves and have interviewed him a thousand times) seem terrified of him. They stand with their backs up against the wall and nervously call him 'Skip.' He's like a tiger that you raised from when it was a little cub. You feel mostly certain he remembers that you two are cool, but on the other hand, he might bite your face off out of sheer boredom.

After everyone else has asked their questions, I finally summon the nerve to squeak mine out.
"Um Skip?" I say meekly. "Could you um, talk about the amazing season Alex is having?"

'Huh?' Piniella asks, his head cocked, perfectly angled for a face-biting.

"Um, could you talk about how well Alex Rodriguez has been playing this season?"

Piniella gets up slowly, and comes around from behind the desk. The rest of the reporters scramble to get out of his way. He's heading right for me. He gets up right next to me, I can see his balls through a hole in his underwear. He puts his arm around my shoulders, pulls me in so close I can count each individual whisker, and says... "Not tonight kid, not tonight."

"Perfect," I think. "That's the final memory of my sportswriting career: Lou Piniella's balls."

I never went back there again.

"I cannot refute anything in the story. Yes, I have known Roger Clemens for a long time. He's a kind and caring man. He's also a legendary athlete."

Since her life has been one big Burning Bed for the last few years, you hate to completely piss all over McCready's non-refute, but why are so many people taking this woman seriously? If this story came out four years ago she would have about as much credibility as a deranged homeless person who wears shoes made out of soda cans and has pockets full of dead pigeons. What's changed?

Oh yeah: Roger. The fact that Clemens has not admitted he took steroids, that means he HAS to also be a hilllbilly chlid molester too, right?

I have a feeling that if Brian McNamee's lawyer keeps pressing this issue — and actually does ">subpoena McCready for the upcoming defamation suit — it completely makes him look like even more of an opportunistic little shit bird. It appears Mindy McCready is just another old, bloody tissue that McNamee just so happened to stumble upon when it was convenient for him.

And, seriously, is Clemens' lawyer, Rusty Hardin, the worst attorney ever? This guy should've been fired 15 times since December.

UPDATE:Here's an email from a person claiming to be some sort of relative who disagrees with the whole "she's a lying crazy lady" portion of this post:

You seemed to imply in your post about Mindy McCready today that she was somehow making this up...

The only thing Mindy cares about is self-promotion and if she's lucky, getting back on the County Fair concert circuit.

McCready Confirms Affair With Clemens [KGET]
">Lawyers For McNamee Intend To Capitalize On Allegations Of Clemens' Affair [ESPN]
Clemens' Mess [Deadspin]

It's obviously for a good cause, and there's a tangible benefit for anyone who shows up: "The first 500 men to qualify and get screened will receive a voucher for two tickets to a future Milwaukee Brewers game." If you're in the area, you have to get there by 1 p.m. local time.

We're going to the Brewers-Cardinals series in less than two weeks, and our parents are coming to visit us. Now we know how Dad scored the tickets.

Free Screenings: Drive Against Prostate Cancer [My Fox Milwaukee]

Heavens. Remember Mindy McCready? She's a country singer who sang "Guys Do It All the Time," which was apparently some sort of country hit. Anyway, she's had a ton of personal problems in the last few years; this photo was taken she was arrested after a fight with her mom. She had a OxyContin addiction, once stole a truck and forced the driver to act as a hostage and tried to kill herself at least twice. It's the type of thing that might result from starting to date Roger Clemens when you were 15.

The New York Daily News has Clemens' denial, but minces few words.

According to sources, Clemens was with his Red Sox teammates in a Fort Myers, Fla., bar when then-teenager McCready caught his eye. After Clemens threw a shirt with his and several teammates' signatures onstage, an introduction was made.

"It was love at first sight, no doubt about it," said a source with intimate knowledge of the relationship.

According to the source, McCready did not learn that Clemens was married to Debbie Clemens until McCready attended a baseball game with her two younger brothers and read Clemens' bio in the program. The source says that McCready was too young to be angered by the news that Clemens was taken.

Supposedly this will have something to do with Clemens' suit against his former trainer Brian McNamee ... but honestly, who cares? (Unless the continuance of the suit means more revelations like this.) Roger Clemens, then 28 and with the Red Sox, with 15-year-old country music singers. Yipes.

Man, Roger, continuing to come out of retirement, staying in the public eye, what a great idea, huh?

More on this today, surely.

Roger Clemens Had 10-year Fling With Country Star Mindy McCready [New York Daily News]

Click here to see the new hats cast their eerie spell. (Caution: Not for the meek).

Someday of course all baseball cap logos will glow in the dark, and you'll have Ghosts CEO Kevin Haughian to thank for it. He is also responsible for the current top best-selling Minor League cap, that of the Lake Elsinore Storm.

The Ghosts are also the only team anywhere to be named after a Harveys Entertainment cartoon character. That's the studio that gave us Baby Huey, Wendy the Good Witch, Herman and Katnip, Little Audrey and Richie Rich ... kind of a low-rent Disney. Now if the Ghosts can tie in their concessions to Little Lotta, they'll have something.

And now, here come the Minor League promotions:

• 60's Psychedelic Night. Tonight, West Virginia Power (Class-A South Atlantic League). Generally I don't need an excuse to take LSD, but I'll fit right in tonight at Appalachian Power Park, where our nation's groovy, bell-bottomed heritage will be celebrated ... up to and including post-game karaoke.

• Australia Day. Saturday, Erie SeaWolves (Class-AA Eastern League). Includes the always popular Boomerang Giveaway, a Steve Irwin tribute, and salute to Australian-born Major Leaguers. Plus, music of the BeeGees and Men at Work. What, no Anne Murray?

Other breaking news:

Mr. Celery Conducts The Delaware Symphony Orchestra. Yes the rumors are true: Famed Wilmington Blue Rocks mascot Mr. Celery will take up the baton on Saturday at the Grand Opera House in Wilmington to conduct a presentation of The Firebird. The co-production by the Enchantment Theater and the Delaware Symphony Orchestra "weaves together puppetry, shadow play, masks and magic with evocative music by Stravinsky in this captivating Russian tale." The performance also includes Bizet's Carmen Suite and begins at 2 p.m. Adults $20, children $10. For tickets call the Grand Opera House box office at (302) 652-5577.

Joliet Jackhammers Offer Contract To Frank Thomas. The Joliet Jackhammers of the Independent Northern League have extended a contract offer to Frank Thomas, who was released from the Blue Jays last week. Had he signed, Thomas would have received "a monthly salary in addition to a free apartment," according to the Jackhammers' press release. Alas: It appears that the Jackhammers' offer was not sweet enough.

Cam Of The Week. Cedar Rapids Kernels Dale and Thomas Popcorn Field KernelsCam (scroll to bottom of page). Hmm, looks like rain.

Billboard Of The Week. St. Paul Saints Billboard Corn Field. If only this included a cam.

Kevin In The Ticket Office Says Goodbye. Sad, sad news from the Clearwater Threshers. Kevin from the ticket office is discontinuing his blog, to "pursue other interests." It's a heartfelt farewell, equaled only perhaps by the final episode of M*A*S*H.

Please send any Minor League promotional news, game accounts, photos or recipes to us at RickChand@GMail.com. Thanks!

After all, considering the considerable steroid haze surrounding Bonds and (to a somewhat lesser extent) Sosa, one could make the argument that Griffey is the first "legitimate" player to reach the mark since Mays. And when you consider how much time Griffey has missed because of injury — injuries that, theoretically, could have been avoided a bit if he had bothered to use steroids — he probably should have reached this mark years ago.

But there's not much rigmarole or pomp for Griffey, and it's likely he'll be traded not long after he hits 600 anyway. People can say all they want about the "horrors" of steroids. We still focus more on users' accomplishments than of those who never touched the stuff, and paid the price.

Where's All The Hoopla For Ken Griffey Jr.'s 600th Homer? [Sportaphile]

The Cubs beat the Rockies 7-6, as Ryan Theriot came through with a run-scoring single off Kip Wells with two outs in the 10th for Chicago's sixth straight win. All this led to the somewhat amusing quote by the Cubs' Kerry Wood, when asked to comment on the meaning of the franchise milestone: "Really, I didn't remember a lot about the first 9,000." Aramis Ramirez had a two-run homer for Chicago.

• Doh! Hard to lose your 350th career win on a changeup, especially if someone else throws it. The Padres' Trevor Hoffman gave up a homer to Benjie Molina with one out in the ninth that tied it, the Giants going on to take a 3-2 win in 13 innings. That denied starter Greg Maddux win No. 350.

• Pope! (Shakes Fist). Johan Santana doubled twice — yep, they were playing the Nationals — and pitched seven strong innings as the Mets prevailed 7-2. Things have just continued to fall apart for Washington since the Pope visited their stadium recently.

• No-Power Rangers. Forget about Detroit's slow start; that seems to have reversed itself. What about the Rangers? Miguel Cabrera had a three-run homer and Carlos Guillen had five RBI as the Tigers beat Texas 19-6. The slaughter included an 11-run sixth, as the Rangers (7-15) lost their sixth straight.

• Frank Who, Now? Mike Sweeney, the guy who would be odd man out of the Athletics sign Frank Thomas, got into to the starting lineup for the first time in six games and collected a solo homer and a run-scoring single, helping Oakland to a 3-0 win over the Twins.

• The Posada Adventure. Mike Mussina — remember him? — went seven strong innings and surpassed Bob Gibson on the career wins list (252), the Yankees beating the White Sox 6-4. Jorge Posada had three doubles. This is the reason for Chicago's loss, no doubt.

This writer was not fortunate enough to have been at Marathon as Pheidippides ran his final 26, nor with the GIs at Bataan, nor in New Orleans for the infamous 77-round fight between Burke and Bowen (I was supposed to be, but got drunk on the Crescent City Limited and woke up in Nacogdoches, Texas wearing only my underwear — but that's a tale for a different time, dear reader). However, yours truly can safely claim to be an expert on endlessness, for I have witnessed 22 innings of base ball at its most benumbing. 22 innings of ineptitude, farce and lack of imagination one hoped could no longer be summoned by today's "professionals."

And it was all so you, the prized reader, could concentrate your limited energy and resources on matters of more import; goldfish swallowing, perhaps, or flagpole sitting. I suffered so you wouldn't have to.

The pertinent details are thus — the Mountain Men from Denver, last season's Senior Circuit Surprise Squad, triumphed over the Holy Nine from San Diego, 2-1. The winning tally advanced the required 360 feet in the tourist half of the 22nd frame, and the determinative pitched ball came six hours and sixteen minutes after festivities were commenced at Roscoe and Mittens Memorial Park. But any interest had been vacuumed from the affair eons before, in an affront to this beautiful Mission City and its proud German heritage. It was the type of contest that confirms the worst approbations from those who call for the banning of the sport on grounds that impressionable youth are being sidetracked from their classical educations by a game that dulls the senses and narcotizes the synapses.

To those cynics I say, Fie! Remember with me the Homeric duel contested only last autumn, in the shadow of the Continental Divide. The eliminator game decided by the width of a mountain goat's whisker that propelled the Coloradans to the Fall Classic. The mere fact that these exact same squadrons of base ballers could engage in two such disparate examples of Our Game is testament to the utter perfection and uniqueness of it. Would you prefer the paper doll sameness of baskets, or the grunting metronomy that is gridiron? Methinks not.

This contest's victorious rally came, fittingly, as the result of maladroitness. Batsman Willy The Weakling Tavares should have been retired on his tenth appearance of the evening, but a toss by Kahlil "BMOC" Greene was too tall for even Pterodactyl Tony Clark to reel in. Tavares is a Django of the Banjoes, and like most of his ilk he can run like a lynx. He pilfered second, and went to third on another throw that appeared the result of a miscalculated sextant, this one by Ignorance Tool-wearer Josh Bard. The anchor leg in Willy's 4 x 90 foot relay came at a trot, after a scorched shot to left by Troy "Cooperstown" Tulowitzski. The Left Coast Fathers were unable to match this outburst of scoring, having managed only a single tally over 21 prior innings, and when Robert "Kip" Wells blew an adjudged backwards K past fellow slabber Glendon "Lungs" Rusch, the few hardy souls left nibbling kibble in the grandstand were rendered disappointed as well as exhausted.

It was a struggle out of Shaw, whose "Arms and the Man" was penned after a similar battle in Piccadilly Circus some time ago. The Moccasin of the Mound, Mr. Peavy, was untouched for an octet of innings, and his replacements kept a clean sheet for five more. That Baker's Dozen proved a lucky number across the field, as Centennial State tossers spackled opposing batsmen for an equivalent number of run-free slates. In the fourteenth (early days in this Joycian game), the Rocks finally got rolling, scoring an actual run, courtesy of a free pass with no room at the Inn to Hawppy Brad Hawpe. Naturally, with a chance to rivet the game shut, the boys from Pikes Peak surrendered meekly — a foul pop from the ash of Clint "Venison" Barmes traveled thirty feet backwards, and was caught to give the side the gold watch.

The Celibate Crew, their Blessed Backs against the wall, fought back to prolong the agony. They too filled the sacks with clergy, and Stratford-Upon-Josh Bard lined a safety to balance the abacus at one. But alas, the game could not be concluded at an hour fit for Gentlemen. Tall Tony Clark was forced out at the pentagon, and Colt Morton harmlessly rolled one to third, meaning the fight would continue, like the Battle of the Marne, on and on and on.

The game's two squatters, The Bard and Yorman Victor Torrealba, deserve an exclamatory note, having caught all score plus two innings, a Shackletonian feat of endurance not seen since Double Duty Radcliffe pitched the first game of a doubleheader and caught the second every day for two weeks straight. Their knees and hip flexor muscles should be the centerpieces of a traveling Medicine Show in the off-season, hawking the benefits of the snake liniment oil the two used to make it through this memorable tug-of-war.

"Look at me! I'm getting naked! I'm running! I'm...(oooof)!"

Granted, the 30 seconds of blissful public nudity usually end with a security guard shoulder-tackling you to the ground, an arrest, and a healthy fine, but it seems worth it. Take this brave young woman, who engaged in a shirt's-off sprint toward centerfield during the Phillies/Rockies game last night to an adoring Coors Field crowd.

The bra stayed on, unfortunately, but still — look at that smile. Some people search their whole lives chasing that feeling.

Female Streaker! [Bugs And Cranks]

And it grows worse: Today, the Cubs have a chance to win their 10,000th game, dating back to 1876. Ryan Dempster, who in addition to being a smooth talker and a ninja, has become our favorite Cub of several seasons, did what he could to keep the number in perspective.

"I remember when we won 5,000," Cubs pitcher Ryan Dempster said Tuesday. "What an emotional day that was. We were so excited — we realized we still had an uphill climb to 10,000.

"To be on the verge of that — I've been here since the first one, and to get to 10,000, it's a long, hard struggle, and I'm looking forward to it."

Still, this sure is a lot of good Cubs news, isn't it? It's making us uncomfortable. Let's see ... anything we can find to offset this? Oh yes: It's almost the 25th anniversary of the classic Lea Elia rant.

Ah. That feels better.

Zito was staked to a 3-0 lead over the Diamondbacks and of course lost it — pitcher Brandon Webb adding to the torment by crushing a two-run double — lasting only 3 2/3 innings in Arizona's 5-4 victory. And so, as any schoolchild knows, Webb is now 5-0 and Zito 0-5, making that oven look like a mighty inviting place for manager Bruce Bochy to lay his weary head. Zito, who has legally changed his middle name to "Tweak My Mechanics," now has an ERA of 5.61. Hey, there's only five years remaining on his $126 million contract, so there's nowhere to go but up! Here's how the McCovey Chronicles views the situation. And one of their commenters chimes in with this. Nice. Oh, that Zito quote, as told to the Chronicle:

"We came out and we capitalized on Webb's mistakes. They gave me a lead of 3-0, and I feel like shit. I let them back in the game. I gave them two runs in a shutdown inning, and then I went out in the fourth and gave up a hit to Webb."

Webb still isn't hitting .130, but his five wins match the total of the Giants' starting rotation. He allowed three runs and nine hits over six innings, striking out seven. The Diamondbacks are 15-5 and lead the NL West by six games. They never led by more than five in winning the division last season.

• Mystery Science Theater 3000. John Smoltz became the first player in baseball history to receive a congratulatory text message on getting his 3,000th career strikeout — it came from BFF Greg Maddux, LOL — but the Braves still lost to the Nationals 6-0. Smoltz is now No. 16 on the list. Willie Harris' RBI double in the second gave the Nationals a 1-0 lead, and John Lannan got the win.

• A Royal Ass-Kicking. Troubled by lackluster sales of their team calendar, the Kansas City Royals surrendered to C.C. Sabathia and the Indians, 15-1, on Tuesday. Sabathia had 11 strikeouts and was supported by 17 hits, led by Casey Blake, who was 4-for-4 with 6 RBI.

• Dustin Time, I Found You Dustin Time. Josh Beckett was scratched just before game time with a stiff neck, but the Red Sox won their sixth straight anyway, 7-6 over the Angels. Dustin Pedroia had a tiebreaking, run-scoring double in the eighth. Still, all of that is no excuse for this very disturbing image. Nightmare Fuel tag ... activate!

• Pitch Perfect. Shall we exult over the Pirates' win? Yes, let's. It's not often that one of their pitchers isn't used for batting practice, but Paul Maholm was not to be trifled with on Tuesday, holding the Marlins to one run and four hits over six innings in a 3-2 win.