Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew’s new book, “Men With Balls,” featuring 100% new material, is available RIGHT FUCKING NOW in stores and online here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK.

My wife is not a huge drinker. Which is great for me, since that means more gin for daddy. But it also means that, when I drink, I drink under her sober, watchful eye. And that means that, sometimes, I crack open a seventeenth beer during the game and get that look from her that says, “Now, really. Do you NEED another beer?”

Well, of course I need that beer. Sixteen beers made me feel fantastic. Surely, a seventeenth beer will only make me feel AWESOMER. But women don’t always understand that line of thinking. Typical.

That’s why I go to great lengths to replace my current beer with another beer without her noticing. That’s the advantage of drinking beer out of a can. A woman can never tell how much is left in there. SNEAKY. If I can replace one dead soldier with a full beer while she’s going to the bathroom or something, then I get to drink more without getting the shameful glance. Why, she might even congratulate me on my restraint. Nice.

Ah, but that fucking can opening sound. It always gives your alcoholism away, doesn’t it? Your lady could be 5 miles away. But open that can, and within five minutes she’s all like, “Are you having ANOTHER beer?” Uh, maybe. That’s why I’ve devised a way to quietly open a beer can for you, the NFL fan and functional boozer.

First, use your fingernail to gently pull up on the tab. Just a little. You don’t want to get the dreaded PSST sound. You just want the tab to be ready to pull. Next, take a dish towel (these should be abundant if you are married. If you are not married, use your sweatshirt or some other kind of thick material. Use the towel to cover the mouth of the can. Next, pull the tab ever so gently, so the air inside the can seeps out without a lot of noise. Keep pulling gently so that the mouth doesn’t pop open, so much as pry open.

Next, place your old empty beer can in the garbage can, but be sure to bury it under some the already existing garbage, so your lady doesn’t see it in the garbage and tally up how many you drank. Man, is that a buzzkill.

Congratulations. You’re thirtieth beer is now cleverly disguised as your twenty-ninth. SALUD!

VARSITY LETTERS
Live in New York? Then get your black ass to tonight's Varsity Letters reading. I'll be there. Bissinger will be there. Steinberg will be there. Alcohol will be there. Something explosive may very well happen, like me vomiting in the sink.

The Games

All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.

Five Throwgasms

Giants at Eagles: Last week, the Seahawks stripped the ball away from Donovan McNabb using what is quickly becoming my NFL defender move. I call it the “Lawnmower Strip”. It’s quite simple to do. Simply run up to the ball carrier while he is at the bottom of a pile. Then, dig your arm into his ribcage. Then, violently try and tear the ball away from his body. Do it right, and it will look like you are trying to start a lawnmower. It adds a touch of mayhem to any play that was whistled dead three minutes ago.

Packers at Vikings: Only rated this high due to severe homerism.

Colts at Steelers

Four Throwgasms

Titans at Bears: Collins vs. The Sex Cannon! It’s an erratic thriller!

Saints at Falcons: Outside of Dan Marino, there’s a distinct possibility that Matt Ryan is having the best rookie season an NFL QB has ever had. There’s a mindfuck for you.

Bills at Patriots

Three Throwgasms

Broncos at Browns: Brady Quinn’s coming out! He wants the world to know! Got to let it show!

Two Throwgasms

Ravens at Texans: Tight end Owen Daniels told reporters he’d like to be a weatherman when he’s done with football. He better get a littler blacker and a whole lot jollier.

Seahawks at Dolphins
Rams at Jets
Niners at Cardinals

One Throwgasm

Jaguars at Lions: I’m getting a little tired of those TGI Friday’s ads. I really don’t want to be sold steak fajita combo platters by some fat asshole who looks like he used to play bass for Crazy Town.

Panthers at Raiders: Little known fact for you Sunday Ticket subscribers: Ticket host Andrew Siciliano does not toggle between games by watching them. Instead, he relies on his fucking HUGE ears, which allow him to quickly pick up on something interesting happening in any NFL stadium across the continental United States.

Chiefs at Chargers

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

“Little Sister,” by Queens of the Stone Age. Hot chicks dancing in silhouette will never get old.

Embarassing Album I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up

“Back For The Attack,” by Dokken. Actually, I’m not all that embarrassed about owning this album. If you’re gonna own one Dokken album, this is the one. It’s got “Burnin’ Like A Flame” (Peep the video. They’re playing pool with their guitars! And acting like firemen! And playing skeleton guitar solos! That’s fucking RAWK!), “Standing the Shadows,” “Mr. Scary,” “Heaven Sent.” That’s 100% pure Dokkenness right there! No “Dream Warriors,” though. We’re the Dream Waaaaarriors! Don’t wanna dream NO MORE!

I’ve seen Don Dokken interviewed a couple times. He and Phil Mickelson have the exact same voice. Very high. Very goofy. Both these men sound exactly like Richard Pryor’s imitation of a white person.

“Yeah, come on, peckerhead! Come on, you fucking joikoff! SONOFABITCH, COME ON!”

Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Tony Romo. Jesus, how long does it take to come back from a broken pinkie? People drafted you near the end of the first round or the top of second, Mr. Jessbanger. They invested a lot in you. And you repay them by pussying out because your little tea-sipping finger isn’t quite up to snuff? YOU DISGUST ME, ROMO. Rush Limbaugh says you’re clearly just another Mexican immigrant looking for a worker’s comp handout!

Bonus note to Willis McGahee, who was activated last week and then proceeded to NOT CARRY THE BALL FUCKING ONCE. If you aren’t gonna play, THEN DON’T SUIT UP, FUCKFACE. Go make babies or something, you fuck.

Five Potential Key Injuries
-Willis McGahee (knee)
-Derek Anderson (equine testicle castration)
-Gus Frerotte (other shoe dropping)
-Travis Henry (overly viscous urine)
-Ted Ginn (hairy liver)

Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week’s suicide pick of the Bears was correct, which makes me 6-3 for the year. Off the board now are the Jets, the Giants, Chicago, Jacksonville, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Buffalo, and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week’s pick? Arizona, and intentional hypothermia. Okay, so what you do is, you soak all your clothes in ice water. Then you climb to the top of a very tall mountain. And then you sit. Maybe listen to some music if you wish (may I suggest “Cold Feelings” by Social D?). Within a few hours or so, PRESTO! You’re a Mansicle. Enjoy!

Nazi Shark’s Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There’s no reason we at Deadspin can’t also get in on the fun. So we’ve asked National Socialist German Workers’ Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.

“This week, I like Atlanta getting 1 point at home against New Orleans. Hey, ever notice there are no great BLACK sharks? That’s because fried chicken can’t swim.”

2008 Nazi Shark Record: 1-6

Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:

Jim Haslett
Tom Cable
Mike Singletary
Marvin Lewis
Rod Marinelli
Herm Edwards
Norv Turner
Wade Phillips
Romeo Crennel
Gary Kubiak
Jack Del Rio

Time to bring big fat Romeo Crennel back into the mix. And let’s welcome newcomers Gary Kubiak and Jack “Keep Chopping” Del Rio to the list. Oh, this is not a good year for the suit-wearing coach set. Men’s Wearhouse revenues could fall by as much as 30%.

Gametime Snack Of The Week

Jack Link’s Flamin’ Buffalo Chicken Nuggets! I picked up a bag of these last week, because I’m a huge fan of meat in pouches. A couple of things here. First of, jerky of any kind is wayyy too expensive. You mean I gotta shell out six bucks for a bag of dried-out cow throat? Come on. What’s the markup on this shit? 40,000%? Beef jerky costs more per pound than fucking beluga caviar.

Anyway, to the nuggets. Chicken and/or turkey jerky is never a wise thing to purchase. But I don’t eat with my head. I eat WITH MY GUT. My huge, saturnine gut. So in my bag they went. When I got out of the store, I tore open the bag and gazed in. Inside the bag was one of those small pouches of silicate powder or something that is used to keep the meat “fresh.” You are not supposed to eat the silicate, or else you will die. So I find it somewhat ironic that my meat is kept fresh by way of poisonous substances.

As for the nuggets themselves. They tasted pretty much like a chicken wing that had been left out in a hotel pan 20 hours after they had been originally served. You know how old dark chicken meat kind of gets translucent? That’s what they looked like. They were also covered in a kind of buffalo paste. They looked like fox turds rolled in tomato paste.

I ate the whole bag in three seconds.

Halloween Candy Mea Culpa
Last week, I ranked Halloween candy in order like so:

1. Reese’s Cups
2. Snickers (Fun Size, not the minis. The minis are gay)
3. Butterfinger
4. M&M’s minibags
5. Mounds/Almond Joy
6. Nestle Crunch
7. Hershey Minis

This was an idiotic list, and I’d like to apologize to you for its publication. I’d also like to apologize to the following candy bars: Kit Kat, Twix, Take 5, Caramello, ReeseSticks, Reese’s Crispy Crunchy Bar, Reese’s FastBreak, Nestle Crunch With Caramel, and no doubt countless others. I’m so sorry, you sweet delicious candies. You deserved better from a very fat man.

One-Sentence Excerpt From Men With Balls
"And, at least once a month, order a male hooker to your apartment, pretend to like him (and, if you do like him, pretend that you are pretending to like him), kiss him once, and then beat the ever-loving shit of him while crying your eyes out."

Gametime Beer Of The Week

Yuengling cans! Yuengling makes its return to the Jamboroo this year, because I just love it that damn much. Ah, the Yuengling can. So cheap. So highly quaffable. You are a gift from the heavens on par with EZ-Pass, or Christina Ricci’s old rack.

I particularly enjoy cold canned beer this time of year. It’s getting colder outside now, and I have to tell you that there is nothing finer than going to some party, grabbing a can of cold beer, going out on the patio without your jacket on, and getting hammered while freezing your ass off. I can’t explain it. I adore it. Bonus points if you smoke. I may not smoke myself, but I appreciate the peaceful feeling that comes with lighting up outside in 30-degree weather. That is one cozy way to get lung cancer.

I’d move to Yukon Territory just to drink outside in the cold all year long. It just feels so right. So very tribal. Especially if you’ve got an outdoor fire to stand in front of. Ever do that? Heaven. I could drink, in the cold, in front of an outdoor fire for 17 hours straight. I don’t even need other people there to do it. I can just sit there, staring at the flames, drinking myself into oblivion as my eyebrows get singed off.

We should all do that tonight. If you’re at Varsity Letters tonight, do me a favor and start a big fucking fire in a trash barrel outside the bar. It’s the Lower East Side, so no cop will give a shit. Bring all the canned beer and weed you can. We’ll make it a happening. God, I love beer.

Random FKS-Style Tidbit
I had lentil soup for lunch the other day. Because I’m gay, you see. I am no longer allowed to have lentil soup for lunch anymore. Because lentils apparently cause my anus to dispel clouds of vapor so nauseous that you instantly disintegrate when you come into contact with them. Holy shit, were those some bad farts. Worse than my legendary zucchini bread farts Ever had a fart that smelled so terrible, you started breathing with your mouth to avoid smelling it? Only that made it worse because you felt like you could sort of taste the fart?

I kept letting out these farts, one after the other, each one more horrifying than the last. Of course, I found this hilarious. My wife? Not so much. Every time I let out a whopper, I started laughing my ass off. I even made a face while I while was doing it, like, “HOLY SHIT! HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE! YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER, DIDN’T YOU?! NO WAY, LADY! FRUUUUHHHH!” Soon I was on the floor, unable to contain either my laughter or my own fumes. My wife left the room in disgust.

Can’t say I blame her. Anyway, might want to skip the lentil soup.

Robert Evans’ MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL’s MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.

“Baby, always stick to your guns. Like the time I nailed Barbara Stanwyck. Sexy? You bet! Feisty? Like no other. But you don’t tame a tiger by laying down! No way I was compromising my principles to get old Little Rob a chance to play in the sandbox. Leave it ol’ Evans to show that little hussy how a real man takes control. Handcuffs? You know it. Candle wax? Now we’re talking.

“Your front-runner for the NFL’s MVP thus far is Chris Snee of the Giants. About time an offensive lineman was considered for this award. I also understand Snee is married to Tom Coughlin’s kid. Wonder if the little Coughlin girl is as much a fan of discipline as her old man. Now that’s a wild animal Evans could chain up!”

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans

Blazing Saddles. In honor of our new Sheriff Bart, who worked up an old Number 6 on the Republican Party. The genius of Blazing Saddles is the fact that it was the first comedy to poke unrelenting fun at racism. Because racism is so fucking stupid, it’s difficult not to find it somewhat hilarious. At least, that’s always been my feeling about it. Save for Gene Wilder’s character, every white person in the movie is both racist and a blithering idiot. Just like in Tennessee!

There’s one serious moment in Blazing Saddles. It happens when Gene Wilder wakes up in his prison cell and sees Cleavon Little on the other side.

Bart: Are we awake?

Waco Kid: We’re not sure… are we… black?

Bart: Yes, we are.

It’s that last line that always stuck with me. It’s the only sincere line in the whole movie, and it’s why a movie like Blazing Saddles does more to debunk racist ideas than some dipshit award movie like fucking “Amistad” or something. Plus, it’s got rape jokes. And who am I to argue with that?

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”

Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: KSK commenters direct you to the bridal lingerie collection at 3wishes.com. (NSFW) Pay specific attention to the “train thong,” which is like a veil for your girlfriend’s backside. I’m a big fan of cheaply-made, ornate decorations for a woman’s asscrack. Trains, bows, ruffles, lace, chain mail, velour, link sausage. As long at the cheeks remain exposed, you really can’t go wrong when it comes to accessorizing that part of the body. I’ve always said that Spike TV should run a show every night at 11PM called “chicks in thongs,” which would consist of nothing but women running around in thongs like this. I’m pretty sure that’s acceptable for cable, and that it would draw roughly 147 million male viewers a night. In fact, fuck it. We need a thong channel. Why does this channel not exist, yet Oxygen does? You cable operators make me sick.
-For the gals: Half-naked pics of actors Sean Faris and Shawn Ashmore. Shawn, have you ever tried, you know, NOT being a mutant?

Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend
“I want that land so badly… I CAN TASTE IT.”

-Hedley Lamarr

Enjoy the games, everyone.

LSU fans keep emailing me saying, "When are you going to link our quarterback playing beer pong?" That's what's great about LSU fans. Other teams (cough, Notre Dame, cough) are outraged by their quarterback engaging in a little Beer Olympics, LSU fans are just upset that their quarterback isn't playing beer pong with whiskey and that there aren't hot girls in the photo playing alongside Lee. Undoubtedly that's because the winsome lasses of Baton Rouge are at the other end of the table "distracting" Lee by bending over and showing their cleavage as he attempts to throw. Last year Lee was a redshirt freshman behind Mike Flynn and the batshit crazy Ryan Perrilloux, now he's a beer pong all-star treating sorority houses as a 24-hour buffet.

Laissez les bon temps roulet Jarrett Lee, laissez les bon temps roulet.

Beirut or beer pong, either way, great game [The Big Lead]

Leslie J. "Bomber" Marr, 57, could face felony DWI and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle charges because of prior arrests and convictions in drinking-and-driving cases, said Whitehall Police Chief Richard LaChapelle. The electricity-powered Cruzin Cooler that Marr was riding contained 14 beers, the chief said.

Because I think that the Cruzin Cooler is a great invention, I went to their official site and discovered that, yes, they do make a Cincinnati Bengals model. As if there would be any doubts on that.

But back to the story. Money quote:

Marr was also cited for operating an uninsured motor vehicle. "They tell us he's been riding around town on that cooler for years," Kortright said. "You can't cruise around on your cooler if you're intoxicated."

If he would have had Snow Man running interference as usual, they never would have caught him..

Man Driving Motorized Cooler Faces DWI, Other Charges [The Post-Star]
Cruzin Coolers Official Site

See, your normal draft beer is usually 4% alcohol, while the light beer is typically 3.4% alc... aw hell, you probably already know this. You probably had the poster in your dorm room or fishing shanty. Consumer advocates are not amused:

"Wow, $8.50 for low-octane beer," said Michael Shames, a consumer advocate who heads the Utility Consumers' Action Network in San Diego. He compared the move to that of oil companies, which have been accused of reducing octane in gas.

For It's 1, 2, 3.2 At The Old Ballgame [San Diego Union-Tribune]

It actually automatically tallies your total at the end of the night, which is outstanding and definitely asking for trouble.

It's currently being used at a bar in Atlanta, and it works.

A waitress must first check IDs before turning on the tap. When the digital ticker counting each ounce hits 180 — or about three pitchers — the taps shut off until a server comes by to check on the table. Bigger parties keep servers running back and forth fairly often, while it's rarer for smaller groups to hit the limit.

Now, if only we could all get one of these for home.

Possibly The Greatest Invention Of This Millennium [Bugs And Cranks]

Mules And Bulls Are Not Friends [Part Mule]

When the Redskins scored their first touchdown, four young women — I'm guessing they were in high school — turned around and did a little stripper's dance that made my son blush as I cringed. Even putting aside their ages, it was too cold to bare flesh. Within 10 minutes of kickoff, I knew I had made a terrible mistake taking my son to the game.

So far it doesn't sound too bad. Meyer disagrees.

I suppose depravity is a strong word. But what better describes drunken adult men, egged on by other grown beer-swillers, belly-shouting the most spectacular obscenities imaginable as they stand next to a 13-year-old boy? Every play was a competition to produce a more vile insult or a different suggestion about which Bear body part might be stuffed up which orifice.

I don't see many games outside of San Francisco, where the only real controversy occurs when the guy seated in front of you refuses to remove his top hat. Apparently things get a little rowdier when you move east; beginning in, say, Oakland? Are making the stands more family-friendly something for Roger Goodell's to-do list? Or are NFL fans behaving exactly the way nature intended?

No Game For A Family [Washington Post, via Fark]

So now do we enter the Les Miles Era at Michigan? Everyone's assuming that this is pretty much a lock (my suggestion of Steve Mariucci is rudely ignored, of course). Hmm, some are not so sure. And, of course, Political Outcast called the whole thing back on Sept. 2 (although I'm surethey weren't alone).

Goodbye, Lloyd. By all accounts you're a pretty nice guy; but you couldn't beat Ohio State, so you're screwed.

• Let The Good Times Roll. It seems that your fears about Saturday's Kansas-Missouri showdown were unfounded. They will be selling beer at Arrowhead Stadium. Repeat: There WILL be beer. "KU associate athletic director Jim Marchiony said all three parties — KU officials, MU officials and Chiefs officials — discussed the alcohol issue and decided to give it a thumbs up. It's not as if fans from both schools won't be partying it up all afternoon in the parking lots anyway, but ..." [Kansas City.com]

• The Air Up There. Come with us now to the mountains of Peru, as an Ohio State fans argues with a Michigan fan at Machu Pichu. I think I see Lloyd Carr riding a llama in the distance. [Big Ten Tailgate]

Huh? What? Gah. I'm fuckin' drunk. Sorry. I just ran a marathon.

According to Manuel J Castillo Garzón, Professor of Human Physiology from Spain's University of Granada, beer is actually better at rehydrating the body after exercise. When he gave some runners a half-pint of beer after a workout, it showed that beer helped quench their thirst and replenish calories better than those given water.

Spain's national team? So this explains those Pau Gasol commercials ...

I Knew It All Along: Beer IS Better Than Water! [Smarter Gadgets Blog]
Beer After Sport 'Is Good For The Body' [UK Telegraph]

This last weekend, the Atlanta Braves started selling $60 tickets that include all the food and beer you can drink. When you allot for the fact that beers usually cost about eight bucks, geez, folks, we think those seats very well might end up paying for themselves.

We still think nothing will beat the soccer league that offered free beer for those who took part in a blood drive, but hey, it's a start. Whatever gets people to actually attend games in Atlanta.

Are All-You-Can-Eat Seats A Good Deal? [UmpBump]
Three Great Tastes That Taste Great Together [Deadspin]

A New York Mets fan has filed suit, contending a drunken, 300-pound man fell on her during the home opener at Shea Stadium and broke her back. Massey said that on April 9 she was in the second row of the right field upper deck near a "visibly intoxicated" man who was "acting in a rowdy, boisterous and dangerous manner for a long period of time." The man, who has not been found or identified, later "fell upon plaintiff causing her to sustain severe personal injuries," court papers said.

Yes, it's been quite a season so far at Shea. We recommend tearing down the whole place and starting over. Oh, wait ... right.

Mets Fan: 300 Pound Drunk Broke My Back [MSNBC]
Where The Hell Is Carl Monday? [Deadspin]

You scoffed when Brewers' fans predicted big things for their team this season. But then they rolled out the Mighty 12-Person Beer Bong, and, well, who's laughing now, bitches?

That's right, as we did not realize until Sports By Brooks pointed it out this morning, Milwaukee owns the best record in baseball. Wha ... ? you may ask. How have they done this? For one thing, J.J. Hardy is uncontrollable, hitting .306 with six homers and 19 RBI with an OPS above 900. A double against the Cardinals on Tuesday extended his hitting streak to 12 games (Milwaukee won 12-2). And, as Brewers Bar points out, it could get a lot worse for the teams in the NL Central:

The Brewers aren't even running optimally yet. Sheets has yet to hit his stride, and we're still playing Counsenino at 3B while Ryan "The Rabbi" Braun tears up the minors. Not to mention, ¡Gallardo! awaits. And if Ned can figure out that Mench should play against LHP and only LHP, it should only get better from here on out.

So pass us another cold one, and let's watch the fun.

Milwaukee Brewers Scale May MLB Mountaintop [SportsByBrooks]
Why The Terrorists Hate Us, Reason No. 131: The 12-Person Beer Bong [Deadspin]
Al Gore Speaks Out Against Brewers [Brewers Bar]

If the Milwaukee Brewers don't do one other thing in the entire future of their franchise (and there's a possibility they won't), it just doesn't matter. Their legacy is secure and we call them heroes; for they have already given us the wonder of racing sausages, and the greatness that is the 12-person beer bong.

Now that's a tailgate party.

Due to the powers of RoboBong, the Brewers won their opener against the Dodgers, 7-1.

Opening Day 2007: Brewers Vs. Dodgers [Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel]

We'd never heard of this before, but its existence makes us extremely happy: It's the Beer Vendor Association, consisting (apparently) of only Wrigley Field pourers. They even have their own trading cards.

With the Cubs' loss yesterday and their home opener not until next Monday, just the thought of beer at Wrigley Field is making us realize baseball is really here ... almost.

Though we are concerned about the beer vendors uniting; we fear that, banded together, they could wield a power that could destroy us all.

Beer Vendor Association [Official Site]

On Sunday night, a 70-year-old man was shot and killed in his home in St. Louis, a home that had been suffering from a blackout after a monstrous icestorm. (One that kept our electrician father working all night, all weekend.)

That's the basic fact of the situation. You might have some questions. Allow us to answer them.

Who shot him? His wife.
Why did she shoot him? Well ... he offered her a warm beer.
What? Yep. That's what the police say.
Jesus. Hey, beer's not supposed to be warm.
Well, what kind of beer was it? Stag, of course. Warm Stag is unacceptable, under any circumstances.

No word yet on the identity of the woman or her husband, though a little part of us wonders if the last name is Vick.

Warm Beer Led To Killing, Police Say [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]

Kettle Foods marketing director Peter Wilson said: "To our knowledge, this is the UK's first ever real beer-flavoured chip. As such, it will appeal to all lovers of good English ale.

We will now fulfill the promise we made in college, that if something like this ever came along we'd start attending church regularly. See you there.

Beer And Crisps United At Last [The Publican]

Ta-da! It's the Oklahoma Suks beer, and apparently, according to Burnt Orange Nation, you can actually buy this at Austin supermarkets. It's rather steep — $16.99 for a 12 pack — but it's "dark, rich, very malty," just like Mack Brown.

We encourage other fevered sports rivalries to start producing their own booze. Eagerly, we anticipate the "Bartman Brew" in St. Louis, the Alex Rodriguez Cherry Mai Tai in Boston and, of course, Philadelphia's famous "T.O. Highball Cocktail." Use only as directed.

It's True: OU Sucks Beer Is Here [Burnt Orange Nation]

(UPDATE: There is, obviously, a Texas Sux beer too.)

Now, if this was the case for a player on my favorite school, I'd be describing this as "awesome." But since it's Ohio State, I'm a little more likely to go with adjectives like "alarming" and "sad." If you drink a case of beer in a day, you're doing some serious drinking. But to push that number up to 40, and do it day after day... that's staggering. Exactly how many times a day did this guy piss?

The good news (or bad news, I suppose, if you're a beer distributor in Columbus) is that Boone has stopped drinking. He quit cold turkey, in fact. Thanks to his friend and teammate Todd Denlinger, Boone now prefers Bible discussions, mini-golf, and taking walks with Denlinger to drinking himself silly every day of his life.

Jim Tressel's a busy guy these days.

Ohio State player back after battle with alcohol [Dayton Daily News]

Oh, good. Because I can't get enough of Pete Coors standing alone in the woods. That guy creeps me out. Maybe it's just me, but I think he's got some deep, dark secret out there. People don't go into the woods by themselves for no reason, and Pete isn't dressed for hunting. I think he's doing something deviant out there. I just don't know what it is.

Oh well. At least we still have Nextel.

No More Women Wrestling in Their Underwear While Soaking Wet [The 700 Level]

And I'm stickin' with ya for the late game. Back at the end of the first quarter.