Our Olympic hero, toiling on the set of Dancing With The Stars (don't pretend you're not watching), was surprised to learn that one Robert O'Ryan, 34, was stopped by security and subsequently arrested by police after he jumped a fence at ABC Studios. He said that he wanted to meet Johnson, who was taping the show there, and that the two were meant to have children together.

"He believes (Johnson) is speaking to him personally through the television and via ESP and that he will be with her no matter what," Johnson's court papers state.

Just like me and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

This love story ends the way that most do: With the girl's mother filing a restraining order, and the suitor being held on $35,000 bail on suspicion of carrying a loaded firearm in public. Just like in fine literature.

But I'm still not totally convinced that O'Ryan wasn't actually trying to abduct Johnson's dancing partner, Mark Ballas:

Armed Fan Tries To Break Onto The Set Of 'Dancing With The Stars' [KTLA Los Angeles]
This Is Creepy [Rumors And Rants]

Kellogg's, one of the many corporations to tell Phelps to get out and stay out as their spokesman after his love of bongs and frat parties hit the media, had to have somewhere to get rid of all the cereal boxes adorned with his likeness. Nicaragua is already teeming with Patriots 19-0 t-shirts; it's not taking the Frosted Flakes as well.

So suddenly boxes and boxes of the stuff began showing up at the San Francisco food bank, as columnist C.W. Nevius reports in his Chronicle column today.

Kellogg's isn't actually saying that it dumped the cereal boxes on food banks — a spokesman for the cereal company did not return a call — but it is a logical conclusion. For starters, said San Francisco Food Bank executive director Paul Ash, it has become unusual for companies to offer cereal. "It's a very tough item to get," Ash said. "In the last six or eight years, it's become very hard to get ahold of."

So Phelps' indiscriminate Mary Jane toking is curbing the munchies in major metropolitan areas?

Few seem troubled by Phelps' marijuana problems. "The boxes have kind of flown off the shelves," Ash said.

We would advise quickly disposing of the free toy surprise: The plastic crack pipe that is also a whistle.

Photo: San Francisco Chronicle.

Phelps' Loss Is Food Banks' Gain [San Francisco Chronicle]

Here's something you may have missed from the Beijing Olympics; NBC's complete coverage of Spanish diver Jenifer Benitez. Yes, the not-safe-for-workness follows the jump.

Way to go, peacock network. You might have edited out the actual dive, though; that was pretty embarrassing.

Jennifer Benitez — Bad Olympic Dive [Vimeo]

Phelps has been signed by Mazda to be their spokesman in the Greater China Region, where they're counting on him to boost their lagging sales.

In December, Mazda, Japan's fifth-largest carmaker, abandoned its 2010 sales target of 300,000 cars in China because of slumping demand and poor results at a venture with Chongqing Changan Automobile Co., the Economic Observer reported, citing Mazda's top China executive. Mazda sold 105,000 cars in China during the first 10 months of last year, it said.

Phelps signed a "seven figure" deal, according to a release by Dynamic Marketing Group's DMG Entertainment, which will develop an ad campaign around him. It is supposedly the biggest endorsement deal ever for a foreigner in China. He'll "exclusively endorse" the new Mazda 6, which I'd be much more likely to purchase if it were being endorsed by Usain Bolt or Danica Patrick.

Anyway, on behalf of the environment, the crude oil market and pedestrians everywhere, we thank you, Michael, for doing God's work. Perhaps you could work this into one of the commercials.

Phelps Signs Record Deal With Mazda [Universal Sports]
Olympian Michael Phelps Returning To China To Endorse Mazda [Bloomberg]

• That Olympic Torch Run sure was fun, wasn't it?

• Opening ceremonies included fireworks, fake children.

• The Chinese could not beat Kerri Walsh and Misti May-Treanor in beach volleyball, but they did cop a feel after their match.

• President Bush had the idea first, however.

• The Deadspin Beijing Bureau rooted out corruption, broke stories, visited local bars.

• Violent incidents were rare, thanks to the Chinese Scooter Police!

• Tattoos + boner pills = Olympic gold.

• ESPN headline writers were in rare form.

• Ow!

• We all began counting the days until the 2012 Games in London.

• A swimmer named Michael Phelps won some medals ...

• ... collected endorsement loot ...

• ... got him some Lindsey Lohan ...

• ... still could not erase his reputation with the ladies.

• The average age of Chinese women's gymnastics team was, like, nine, but no one seemed to care.

• Cultural sensitivity with the Spanish National basketball team, ambassadors to the world.

• Let us pause to salute the athletes who never medaled.

• Tiki Barber said the C word? Really?

• Usain Bolt ran really fast.

• Push the button, Frank.

"It was a mistake, a bad mistake," he adds of the picture, which showed the Spanish national team pulling back the corners of their eyes. "We weren't meaning to do anything hurtful, I take that like a lesson. ... I wanted to tell the people what I am, I've never had that problem before in my life and it will never happen again." Calderon says he sent emails back to about 100 fans who wrote to him to say how hurt they were by the picture. "I wrote to the people who really cared about it, the people who emailed me and people who really thought I was saying something bad. It was a bad mistake, I wanted to tell them."

"I felt so bad about it, I needed to think about it for a long time," Calderon says. "I didn't want to answer every time they were saying something, I just waited for the best moment."

Of course this apology has nothing to do with pressure from the Spanish government, which wants the games in 2016.

Jose Calderon Says 'It Was A Mistake, A Bad Mistake' [MyHogtown]

Yep, that's the Mystery Science Theater 3000 silhouette above, and by the looks of it, it's a Mike episode (I prefer Joel, but that's me). The characters were superimposed over a high-definition broadcast of the Olympics for about four hours on Aug. 16 by KTVH, NBC's affiliate in parts of Montana. Yes, this story is kind of old. But it needs to be addressed. In other words, as Crow would say: "Bite me!"

Anyone not familiar with MST3K? Here's the poop. Anyway, the Olympics would have been much better if they had included riffs from the bottom of the screen, plus a couple of host segments with Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank. Imagine the comedy gold that could have been mined from Bob Costas alone. Alas, the silhouette shown on the Olympic broadcast here was static; no wisecracks from Mike and the 'bots. It definitely would have helped during racewalking.

Beartooth’s Curtis Grevenitz said the display was the result of second-hand equipment the station was using for the first time. When the FlexiCoder for high definition was turned on, the characters popped up, Grevenitz said. As soon as the station realized what was happening, an engineer was called to remove the software causing the problem from the system to ensure the phenomena would not repeat, he said.

I blame the nanites.

We miss you, MST3K. In addition to being hilarious, you were also way ahead of your time. From the movie Mad Monster:

Prof. Blaine: "Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege!"
Joel: "Tell that to the NFL!"

Bloggers Abuzz Over Olympics Broadcast On NBC Affiliate [Helena Independent Record]
Olympics Watch: Where The MST3K Is A Race [Vanity Fair]

Matos "as predisposed and indignant," after being unjustly disqualified, Castro wrote. "He couldn't contain himself." Castro also alleged that Olympic judges stole semifinal fights from two Cuban boxers. Cuba is accustomed to winning golds in boxing, but settled this year for four silver and four bronze medals. Overall, Cuba took home only two golds, down from nine in Athens four years ago.

"I saw when the judges blatantly stole fights from two Cuban boxers in the semifinals," Castro wrote. "Our fighters ... had hopes of winning, despite the judges, but it was useless. They were condemned beforehand."

He also said, without providing details, that the coach had been offered a bribe. How come this sounds exactly like Hank Steinbrenner?

Castro Defends Athlete Who Kicked Judge In Face [SFGate]

Besides his pricy address, Phelps bought the Meadowbrook Swim Club & Northwest Ice Rink in Baltimore. He and his coach, Bob Bowman, want to turn the facility into an elite Olympic training center. Phelps said he wants to buy a new car, too.

"My friend's in the car business, so he's going to help me," Phelps said Wednesday before leaving Beijing. "I've been looking at some Aston Martins and some Maseratis. It would be pretty sweet to get an old-school Aston Martin, some of the old-school [James] Bond ones. That would be sick."

Actually, it was Bond's Lotus Asprit which had the underwater mode. But the Aston Martin did come equipped with a lethal tyre slasher; handy for those paparazzi chases.

Michael Phelps Makes Olympic-Sized Splash With Luxe Baltimore Condo [New York Daily News]

The winners

• Dogs. Chinese government spent $6 million to take dog off of restaurant menus in all host cities. "General Tso's Tibetan Monk" still there, however.

• Michael Phelps. In addition to eight gold medals, also bagged Lindsay Lohan, and a book deal. We can only pray to God that it doesn't include recipes.

• NBC. The Games became the most viewed U.S. television event of all time, drawing 211 million viewers over 16 days. This beats even the season 2 finale of The Two Coreys.

• Jacques Rogge. Not-at-all myopic IOC President declares Games "best ever," and "a total success," then departs Beijing to triumphant fanfare while screaming "I don't know how it works!"

• Alicia Sacramone. Despite winning just one silver medal, captured America's heart, plus record for most times image used as desktop wallpaper.

Losers:

• Chinese protesters. Despite assurances that citizens would be provided safe zones in three Beijing parks in which to demonstrate, not one protest sign was spotted in the city during the entire Olympics. The Chinese government's explanation for this: "All of their concerns were addressed to their satisfaction ." Not shown: Satisfied Chinese protesters hanging by thumbs inside cattle car headed to Nepal.

• Lin Miaoke. The 9-year-old Chinese girl was scheduled to sing "Ode to the Motherland" during the opening ceremonies, and did; although a different, more attractive girl was shown on camera, lip-syncing. This technique was also used for all Chris Bosh interviews.

• U.S. softball team. Despite losing to U.S. 7-0 and 4-1 in earlier rounds, Japan makes finals and hands U.S. its only loss, 3-1, to win the gold medal. Yes, that seems fair.

• Tiki Barber. Mistakenly called NBC TV colleague Jenna Wolfe a very bad word, when actually he probably meant it for Andrea Joyce.

• Canadian fencer Sherraine Schalm, who lost in the round of 16: "It's like I imagine being a man. It's like being kicked in the nuts repeatedly, that's how bad it feels. You feel like you want to curl up and die."

And then there's this:

Barcelona was, for many of us Olympic virgins, as much about sex as it was about sport. There were the gorgeous hostesses - there to assist the athletes - in their bright yellow shirts and black skirts; there were the indigenous lovelies who came to watch the competitions. And then there were the female athletes - literally thousands of them - strutting, shimmying, sashaying and jogging around the village, clad in Lycra and exposing yard upon yard of shiny, toned, rippling and unimaginably exotic flesh. Women from all the countries of the world: muscular, virile, athletic and oozing oestrogen. I spent so much time in a state of lust that I could have passed out. Indeed, for all I knew I did pass out - in a place like that how was one to tell the difference between dreamland and reality?

The two page article goes on and on and on in that snooty-sounding tone and basically tattles on athlete mating habits (female swimmers — total nymphos, apparently) and even their smoking habits (Greek ping-pong players love to light up) which makes it a little less enjoyable than it would be if he had just stuck to his own Olympic Village conquests.

But his final takeaway is this: there's a reason why so many condoms were distributed to the athletes prior to the games.

In fact,the final Beijing weekend is in full-swing right now and the last bouts of reckless banging are probably well underway. Wonder if Steinberg is gettin' any?

Sex And The Olympic City [Times Online]

Here's what Beard said to People Magazine:

"Everyone who knows me knows that I can be a jokester, but I guess I took it too far. I never meant to say anything rude about Michael. I am 100 percent sorry for what I said."

It was on Wednesday that Beard dissed Phelps on a Phoenix, Ariz., radio show, saying that as potential dating material, he had all the charm of the contents of a restaurant dumpster. I believe the word "Ew" was used at least twice. CNN then jumped on the story, calling in "Showbiz Tonight" correspondents Lauren Lake, Michael Musto and Ben Widdicombe to break down the developing story.

Lake, who is evidently a lawyer, said that Beard is secretly longing for Phelps (I think this is true). Musto seemed to indicate that he wanted Phelps for himself, and Widdicombe said something in a drippy British accent that I couldn't understand. Now back to Wolf Blitzer in the Situation Room.

One country yet to be heard from in all of this, by the way: Stephanie Rice. But don't worry, CNN will get to the bottom of it; they're embedding reporters as we speak.

Beard Disses Phelps [CNN]

It was an on-air discussion from Beijing between Tiki, Wolfe and Brian Williams on the subject of the total medal count, and at one point Barber turns to Wolfe and appears to say "You're a total medal c—-." Here ya go ... judge for yourself.

The two women, both in their late 70s, have never spoken out against China’s authoritarian government. Both walk with the help of a cane, and Ms. Wang is blind in one eye. Their grievance, receiving insufficient compensation when their homes were seized for redevelopment, is perhaps the most common complaint among Chinese displaced during the country’s long streak of fast economic growth.

But the Beijing police still sentenced the two women to an extrajudicial term of “re-education through labor” this week for applying to hold a legal protest in a designated area in Beijing, where officials promised that Chinese could hold demonstrations during the Olympic Games.

At least IOC chairman Jacques Rogge has things in perspective. When the world complained about the choice of Beijing for the Games, Mr. Rogge assured us that it would be an opportunity for the Chinese to improve their record in the area human rights. That certainly worked out! You just keep fighting the good fight, Mr. Rogge ... like criticizing Udain Bolt for excessive celebration.

Too Old And Frail To Re-Educate? Not In China [New York Times]

Walsh and May-Treanor are 14-0 in Olympic play, but don't count on them being 15-0 in London. The pair are retiring, each looking to start families. "I was taking this as my last game," May-Treanor said. "I was putting everything into it." A Chinese team also won the bronze medal, beating Brazil.

Odd moment following the match, as Walsh — being interviewed on NBC — blurted: "Can I say something else? I'd like to thank our President for all he's done, and all the support." Yes, I'm sure that day of Bush playing grab-ass at the beach volleyball venue really turned the tide.

May-Treanor/Walsh Take 2nd Straight Beach Volleyball Gold [USA Today]

And now it's time to play Know Your Usain Bolt:

• Native of Trelawny, Jamaica.

• Original sport of choice: Cricket.

• Also enjoys: Dancing.

• Michael Johnson quote: "Incredible. He got an incredible start. Guys of 6-5 should not be able to start like that. It's that long, massive stride. He's eating up so much more track than others. He came in focused, knowing he would likely win the gold and he's got the record."

He beat Churandy Martina by 0.52 second — about four body length — the largest margin of victory in an Olympic 200 since the first race in 1900. The last man to hold both world records simultaneously was Donald Quarrie, also from Jamaica.

And the best thing about this? In a sport where record-breaking sprinters are always under suspicion for doping, Bolt has never failed a drug test, nor is he a suspiciously late bloomer. I say that his success is due to his carefully regimented diet.

Update: Awful Announcing comes through with video from the BBC feed:

Bolt Blasts 200 Meter Field in 19.3 world record [USA Today]

Meanwhile, Troy Patterson of Slate seems to think that none of the above will be relevant, at least anytime soon.

That Phelps cannot dress himself is part of his gentle charm. He is not your average sloppy 23-year-old. Rather, he seems to have stopped developing, in some respects, at about the age he started training seriously and thus resembles a sloppy 11-year-old superhuman. Not without poise, Phelps has declared events related to his record-breaking string of performances "cool," "very cool," "neat," and "really neat." In the glow of his triumph, he faces the camera with something more interesting than real humility (which is pious) or false modesty (which is dull). He's working a kind of confounded ecstasy, ducking his head as if he's slightly shy to feel so good about himself, easing his way into the idea of not trying to stifle his grins.

This bears watching. There are few things more potentially dangerous than an 11-year-old with a couple million bucks.

Michael Phelps T-Shirt From The Hotness Factory [tcritic]
Newborn Demigod [Slate]