Cincinnati (-4) at Louisville- The Bearcats win the Big East if they can win on the road tonight at Louisville and then next week at home against Pitt. Yeah, Cincinnati might be in a BCS bowl. Prior to this the best bowl Cincinnati has ever been in is the PapaJohns Bowl. What's more they've only been to 10 bowl games in their history. Should be interesting to see how the team responds.

Miss. State at Alabama (-22)- Chances are you had no idea that Miss. State has beaten Alabama two consecutive years. And that in those two years Alabama hasn't scored an offensive touchdown. But they have. So that means Alabama probably isn't overlooking this opponent one week after they clinched the SEC West. Except, you know, this game is slotted between LSU and Auburn. Of course State also hasn't won a road game yet this season but, even still, this spread seems a bit high. Right? Especially since Alabama hasn't beaten any SEC team by more than 20 since the middle of September. But that's not stopping the Houndstooth twins, Maegen and Ashley Bailey, from remaining steadfast in their support.

Texas (-14) at Kansas- The year after their magical season the human blimp that is Mangino has returned to earth. At just 6-4, Kansas has lost every big game they've played this year, including 3 of their last 4 overall. Now Kansas has Texas and Missouri left on the schedule. Could Texas be ripe for the upset in Lawrence? If Kansas is going to have any kind of season worth remembering they have to win one of these final two. Otherwise they'll slink into a bowl at 6-6 and fans will have to convince themselves that 2007 actually happened. Don't worry, it did. We have the picture to prove it.

Meanwhile, Texas can't just win. They've got to slaughter Kansas and then sit back next weekend and root for Oklahoma to beat Texas Tech by 1. So it all comes down to the BCS standings to see who represents the Big 12 South in a three-way tie.

South Carolina at Florida (-23)- Steve Spurrier's headed back to the Swamp for the second time. In 2006, it took a blocked field goal on the final play of the game to preserve Florida's chance to play for a national championship. Now the Gators look unstoppable. But doesn't that line seem a bit high considering South Carolina has the best defense in the SEC? I think so. But then, Florida's offense has looked truly unstoppable for the past month. What would the over/under be in a hypothetical Florida/Big 12 Champion be? 85? Maybe.

Notre Dame (-4) at Navy- Remember way back when Notre Dame signed Charlie Weis to a 58 year contract extension and a few people questioned whether that was smart? And then Notre Dame fans got all upset and ripped anyone who didn't want to buy the lard from Charlie's gastric bypass surgery on eBay? Yeah, good job picking your battles. Weis's coaching record is worse than Bob Davie's. Navy has a winning record and is coming off a win at Notre Dame last year. Could Notre Dame really lose to Navy twice in a row?

Utah (-30) at San Diego State- As soon as they win this game Utah will be 11-0 and only have a home game remaining against BYU to complete a perfect regular season. Admit it, you don't care because they aren't in a Big 6 conference. God, you suck. Almost as much as San Diego State sucks. But not quite.

Ohio State (-9.5) at Illinois- One year after Ron Zook took Illinois to the Rose Bowl, he's got to beat Ohio State or Northwestern to be bowl eligible. Since September 13 Illinois has alternated wins with losses. Last week they lost. Can they take down Ohio State for the second year in a row?

Cal at Oregon State (-3)- The conspiracy to refuse to acknowledge that Oregon State remains on track to win the Pac-10 continues for yet another week. Oregon State has three games left and is standing at 5-1. Win out and they win the Pac 10 for the first time since 1965. Yet no one is paying attention to this. Except Beaver fans. Which should be everyone but Vince Young.

Georgia (-10) at Auburn- Tommy Tuberville has to beat either Georgia or Alabama to be bowl eligible. Who saw this coming? Tennessee's collapse has sort of sucked the air out of the national story surrounding Auburn. They couldn't really fire Tuberville could they? Last week Matthew Stafford saved the state of Georgia from the most dispiriting autumn since 1864. But there are still a couple of minefields remaining. This is one. Usually, anyway.

North Carolina (-3) at Maryland- Won't someone please win the ACC? In typical ACC fashion this year two new teams control their own destiny this week. If North Carolina wins all they have to do is beat N.C. State and Duke and they win the ACC's Coastal Division. That's simple enough. But if they lose? Who the hell knows. Same thing with Maryland, win their next three games and they win the Atlantic Division. Lose and we're back to being confused. What a mess.

Vandy at Kentucky (-4)- Remember back when Vandy was the feel-good story of college football and had won five games in a row? Yeah, now they've lost four consecutive games when a win could have made them bowl eligible for the first time since 1982. In two of these games, against Duke and Mississippi State, they've been favored to win. They have three games left to get that win. Can it happen in Lexington? If it doesn't you might be witnessing a pretty epic choke job.

1. Texas eliminated Missouri from the national stage on Saturday. The Horns were up 35-3 at the half and all those Missouri fans who were convinced that Texas might have a figurative hangover after Oklahoma were busy wondering if Chase Daniel was literally hungover. Three weeks ago I anointed Daniel the Heisman Trophy winner. Maybe that was a bit premature. Now everyone knows Colt McCoy is going to win it. Which probably means he won’t. The void in the Heisman race this year is gargantuan.

2. Maryland beat Wake Forest 26-0. If there is a less consistent team in America than Maryland, I haven’t seen them play all year. Lose to UVA by 31 when you’re favored by 14, beat a top 25 Cal team that you’re double digit underdogs to, lose to Middle Tennessee State by 10, and now bounce back from being shutout to shutout the top team in the ACC. There are no words. I’m picturing a bleary-eyed Ralph Friedgen sitting in front of film from this season’s games,Twinkies flying over his shoulder at warp speed, saying over and over again, “If I just watch long enough it will all make sense.” No, it won’t Coach. It never will.

3. With 6:46 remaining in the third quarter Penn State was tied at 17 with Michigan. Nittany Lions fans were starting to wonder if they were going to find a way to lose to the worst Michigan football team in the history of the university and then they scored 29 consecutive points and covered the huge spread. Am I the only person who pictures Joe Pa giving the Russell Crowe Gladiator speech during a television commercial break? Via the sideline phone no less. How much would you pay to hear Joe Pa say, “At my signal, unleash hell.”

(It takes a while but the best single line of moviedom in the past ten years will come up eventually. Damn copyright lawyers ruining clips for the rest of us.)

4. Georgia outlasts Vandy 24-14. This game was ugly. And I know because I was nauseous and attempting to take a nap while watching this game from my car on Saturday afternoon. Earlier I’d spent the day touring the Thomas Wolfe home in Asheville. Don’t ask. But isn’t it amazing how teams can drop off the national radar so fast? Georgia is number 7 in the BCS standings and you’d think they’ve lost three games already. That will probably change beginning this weekend at LSU, but still, how have they disappeared so quickly?

In case you're wondering how the Gators are getting ready for the Cocktail Party, here's a rap about the awesomeness of beards from Gainesville. Every time I want to hate Florida fans, they go and pull off something amazing like this. Work your way through the opening half-minute and wait for the rap to begin. It's truly outstanding. As an added bonus watch for Joakim Noah, Al Horford, and Taurean Green to make cameos. Seriously.

5. On Friday Boise State beat Hawaii 32-7 to get to 6-0. Remember Boise State head coach Chris Petersen? You should. He’s about to become the hottest commodity among young head coaches in the country. Their only win by less than 13 was over Oregon at Oregon. They’re #15 in the country and will be favored to get to 12-0. Can they crash the BCS again? Oklahoma hopes not.

6. Texas Tech is 7-0 and still has played no one. Why can’t my team ever get a starting schedule like this to artificially inflate our expectations? But that’s all about to change. Starting this week Tech goes to Kansas (where they’ve opened as an early underdog), then they get Texas and Oklahoma State at home before a nice road trip to Oklahoma. Christ, is the negative karma from going to law school finally catching up with Mike Leach?

7. LSU proved they can win a big night game on the road. Unfortunately for them, this win means their home game against Georgia will now be an afternoon game for CBS. Somehow Les Miles will find a way to blame Matthew Stafford for this insult to the honor of the Bengal Tigers. Meaning I'm glad I'm not Matthew Stafford.

8. Remember how USC was favored by 43 on the road? Yeah, they covered by 26. 69-0 was the final. Washington State’s really clicking on all cylinders now. Can you imagine being a Washington State fan, putting money on your team, and then having to watch this debacle?

As if that weren't bad enough, word is the entire Washington State dance team fled Pullman to become Mark Sanchez's harem. Only Sanchez dropped them off in Sacramento because they weren't hot enough for LA.

9. Oklahoma's Sam Bradford threw for 468 yards against Kansas. What’s more, the Sooners put up 674 yards of total offense. How is that even possible with the new clock rules? Seriously, 674 yards. You’re thinking, they must have thrown the ball on every play. You’d be wrong. They passed 56 times, but they also ran the ball 44 times. Meaning they managed to run 100 offensive plays. The average team in college football is averaging about 64 this year. How did this happen? Especially because Kansas ran 72 plays themselves. It wasn’t like they turned the ball over on the first play every time. I have no idea how this game featured 172 plays. Anyway, Oklahoma won 45-31.

10. Ohio State eviscerated Michigan State. Meaning it might well be another twenty years before Michigan State gets to go back to the Rose Bowl. But they can still beat Michigan this weekend, right? State fans are kicking dirt clods outside their UP Winnebagos. Right? Meanwhile, Ohio State and Penn State decides the Rose Bowl for the Big Ten before November is even here.

11. UVA upset North Carolina in overtime. What if Al Groh won the ACC this year? Your world is spinning in reverse right now, isn’t it? UVA is now 2-1 in conference and has a chance to take over the Coastal Division lead with a game at Georgia Tech this weekend.

12. The first BCS standings are out. Texas and Alabama are in the top spots. Not for long. I personally guarantee a loss for Alabama this weekend in Knoxville. It’s happening. Write it down and remember who told you first. In fact, wager your life savings on the Alabama favored by 6 line. That worked very well for everyone who took my advice on Texas Tech-Nebraska. As a consolation prize in advance, this lovely Alabama girl has lost her top. Oh my. She must be cold.

Ten other things that stuck out this weekend:

1. Does anyone else feel like the Terrelle Pryor run with one minute left against Wisconsin was the first of many such plays that will leave opposing Big Ten fans ripping out the hair on their "bad-ass" goatees? Pryor scored at half speed. The most dangerous thing about Pryor right now? He never seems to be in a hurry. The game is already slow enough for him that he can control the pace. Witness Wisconsin’s rushing defenders who have to move slower because they’re worried about rushing past him and giving up a big play. Yep, he's a true freshman and he’s already dictating the speed of the game.

It’s uncanny. There are 80,000 opposing fans screaming at him, his team has to have a touchdown on a final drive, and he trots into the end zone on a quarterback keeper without being touched. It’s Vince Young-ian—before Vince Young went crazy. Also, and this is key, VY was a redshirt freshman by the time he started playing significant minutes and he didn’t start outright until his redshirt sophomore season. Pryor’s already there and he’s a true freshman. It’s enough to make Ohio State fans want to burn incense in Maurice Clarrett’s honor because thanks to his getting shot down by challenging the NFL’s three-year draft rule, the Buckeyes are guaranteed three years with Pryor. Hell, maybe by the time he leaves they'll have done the impossible...beaten a single SEC team.

2. Alabama doesn’t walk on water. At least not when they play Kentucky. If Kentucky’s quarterback doesn’t drop the ball in the end zone, Alabama might lose at home to Kentucky for the first time in the history of the two football programs. Instead they managed to hang on for a 17-14 win. On the papyrus scrolls bearing images of his victories that must be lain down before He takes a single step, in the Book of Saban this win will be called, "The Immortal Conquest of the Bluegrass."

3. Penn State survived their first of four consecutive tests to determine whether Joe Pa can become the first senile BCS Champion with a workmanlike 20-6 win over Purdue. The offense wasn’t as impressive as they had been but the defense was even better. Can they win on the road at Wisconsin this weekend? Joe Pa thinks so. Of course Joe Pa thinks Wisconsin is actually in Florida, so that's a bit of a geographic challenge.

4.Tennessee beat a sub-par MAC team 13-9 en route to rolling up 225 yards of total offense. What’s the worst thing about this? On the drive back from the game, I found myself thinking, “We played pretty well.” And we beat a MAC team by 4 at home. Awesome.

5. Virginia beats Maryland 31-0 even though Maryland was favored by 14 points. That’s a 45 point swing vs. the spread. College football—making oddsmakers jump off buildings since 1895. If anyone knows of a website that lists the largest swings in outcome every year, I’d love to see it. For instance a few years ago Louisville went down to South Florida favored by 28 and lost by like 40. The difference between the spread and the result was over 60 points. This would be a superb and cautionary ad for the NCAA to put together to try and discourage people from gambling on their games.

6. FSU triumphed over Miami after almost blowing a 24 point lead and Illinois came into the Big House, went down 14-3 and then outscored Michigan 42-6 in the final three quarters. Long live the Zooker. Death to the Zooker. In somewhat related news, Chris Weinke just had sex with his 4,000,032nd Florida State undergrad.

7. USC bounced back to crush Oregon. In the process of destroying Oregon in the fourth quarter, USC ensured that they are the only Pac-10 team ranked in the top 25. Lending further credence to my suggestion that the Mountain West Conference take out newspaper ads proclaiming their eventual conference champion the Pac-10 champ as well.

8. The Big 12 demonstrated there’s a severe gap between their top 4 and everyone else. Texas Tech, Oklahoma, Missouri and Texas went on the road for conference games and won by 30, 32, 35, and 24 respectively. And these aren’t deceptive margins. None of these games was ever close.

9. Chase Daniel is going to win the Heisman unless he gets injured. Go ahead and write this in stone. It’s the gospel truth. Daniel looks like he’s playing a video game. And, be honest, if he showed up to play in a weekly football game with your buddies, no one would pick him for at least the first ten picks. Then, you’d probably put him on the line and tell him to run five-yard outs while your accountant friend got to play quarterback. Eventually you’d give him one snap at quarterback and he’d throw a 70 yard touchdown pass without even taking a step. Then, at halftime he’d disappear for ten minutes and when he came back your accountant’s girlfriend would be pregnant.

10. Vanderbilt beat Auburn for the first time since 1955 on Saturday. Auburn played their usual, choke you out football, going up 13-0 and then refusing to adopt such modern offensive plays as the “forward pass” and the “toss sweep.” Instead, they were content to wait for Vanderbilt to self-destruct and give them the win. And it almost worked.

Play of the game? Vanderbilt back-up quarterback Mackenzi Adams is on a second down quarterback sneak and has just broken into the open field. If he keeps going and gets the first down all Vanderbilt will have to do is take a knee. Instead, and inexplicably, he drops the football. It bounces behind him and lays tantalizingly on the field. Then, he runs back and covers it. In the past five decades, that ball would have been scooped up and returned for a touchdown. But not this year and not on Saturday. As the second best College Gameday sign said, “The Geeks shall inherit the turf.” Although, to be fair, the best sign of the day (in an otherwise weak class) was, “My butler went to Auburn.” Succinct, arrogant, devastating and self-mocking (I’m sure the student’s butler really went to Miss. State). Well played Vandy, well played.

Today's preview of the #4 team in all the land is brought to us by Rohit Joshi, a senior majoring in business at OU. Yep, he's still in college, getting ready for the start of college football season while we're all cranking out billable hours on document review. Life is fair. He says job solicitations are welcome. He's also Deadspin commenter SheMateMe. Enjoy.

When looking at Oklahoma through the eyes of one of its programs’ supporters, it is clear that expectations can be simultaneously running high and low. Ever since the Sooners’ colossal meltdown in the 2005 Orange Bowl, Norman-ites have been assuming the worst for their team while still somehow expecting a national championship. Injuries, dismissals, and nationally televised embarrassments (2007 Fiesta Bowl – greatest game ever my ass.) have thrown blemishes on this perennial powerhouse. But mark it down boys, it’ll be championship #8 in ‘08, err technically ‘09, but I know you don’t give a damn.

Pros

Prospects. One glaring advantage that Oklahoma has this year is the amount of potential NFL talent. The Sooners have not been known for their prospect grooming since the late 70’s, but ever since Purple Jesus left Norman, the program is a whole new animal. Take for example stud RB DeMarco Murray. Combine the speed of Usain Bolt, the ball carrying ability of Barry Sanders with the game-breaking explosiveness of God, and then only you will get DeMarco Murray. I mean, when asked to compare Murray to Adrian Peterson, Bob Stoops admitted he had a hard time determining who was the more talented running back. No homo, I love this kid. Clearing the way for Murray will be two sure shot first round picks in lineman Duke Robinson and Phil Loadholt. These two form the combined 672 lb, 13’3” ft wall on the left side of the offensive line. Too much power and too much foot speed means these two will be going happy-go-Jackie on defensive tackles like a donkey eating a waffle. Oh yeah, safety Nic Harris is way cool too.

Cons

Convict-like behavior. Yes Penn-State I am fully aware of your parking lot brawlers and I know the Gators are beaming with pride of their AK-toting offensive tackle, but convict like behavior has crippled the Sooners in a lot of ways. Embezzlements, weapons charges, and even grand theft garment has made Oklahoma look bad on the field. I know Rhett Bomar had an IQ that only rivaled Dubya, but I defend him because THE KID COULD FLAT OUT BALL. Bomar rehashed OU’s dual quarterback history and had potential for a Heisman-caliber career similar to Nebraska’s Eric Crouch. Loadholt’s recent DUI doesn’t help things for anybody and neither does DeMarcus Grangers exploits at a Phoenix area Burlington Coat Factory while perusing through the selection. Josh Jarboe, a prized recruit was just recently booted for freestyle rapping that he’ll shoot somebody or have someone shoot him or doing some kind of insider trading, but nonetheless the coaching staff handed him his walking papers in a flash. Bottom line: if Stoops can give his crew a reality check, he will once again reclaim the moniker Big Game Bob.

Those Other Guys.

Right now you would expect me to take shots at Oklahoma State, the red-headed step child of OU or Texas, the school loved by both racist rednecks and Austin’s wonderful hipster populations alike. They’re too easy. I’m going for the new kids on the block - Mizzourah. Let me start by saying: Chase Daniel - sit down, please. Missouri fans claim this guy to be the second coming of whoever the hell played quarterback for Missouri back in the day and it is getting to his head. If you actually watch him play he is not the calm, poised leader that he plays on TV interviews. He’s actually a baby, whining and blaming his teammates only to eat boogers in celebration when he actually does something right. Missouri is the king of the Big XII North, which says a lot if you play D-II women’s volleyball. That’s it and that all. I’ll send you a postcard from South Beach.

We're powering through the top 25 as the college football season looms closer and closer. We'll finish off with Georgia on Thursday just before kickoff later that night. First up today is Missouri, brought to you by blogger Big Head of Mizzourah.net .

Being a Mizzou fan gives us a specific right; the right to be confident, yet afraid that the sky will fall on us at any moment, and more than likely it will come in a shitty city like Ames or Waco. Like the first time I went in to a strip club and it was Asian pregnancy night, it's embedded in the mind. It's a Missouri thing- Don Denkinger screwing the Cardinals (although it benefited the Royals), Adam Vinatieri booting a forever long field goal to win the Super Bowl against the Rams, Carl Peterson being 18 seasons into his own 5-year plan to take the Chiefs to the Super Bowl, George Brett going apeshit about a bat that was stickier than Jules' afro in Pulp Fiction...it's just a Missouri thing. We have come to acknowledge it. We saw it last year when we shit the bed in Norman on a fumble, and then got routed in the Big 12 Title game. Then again, Oklahoma is a good team. It more than likely happens when we play less than stellar teams. It's what we do.

This year is no different. Even though we are ranked in the top ten of all publications (6th AP/7th USA Today/4th SI/6th Phil Steele), we're still waiting for this team to turn into a pumpkin. Does the SI jinx kill us? We are confident that it won't...but yet as a Mizzou fan, we expect something to go awry at some point. We know a 12-0 or 11-1 season is a decent possibility, but wouldn't be surprised with 8-4 or 7-5. It's what we do. The rug gets pulled out from underneath our Missouri sports fandom every year, unless you're a Cardinals fan (we sold our souls to the devil a long time ago. See Leitch for a deeper explanation).

The 2008 team has been expected to be the Mizzou team that had the best shot at winning the Big 12 for awhile. All the pieces have been in place for a run in 2008 since about 2006. Last year was great and all, but Mizzou is even better this year. We lost a few of the pieces of the puzzle, but Gary Pinkel has been able to fit some new players in that gained a lot of experience last year. The defense is the best in the Pinkel era, but lets be honest; it all starts with quarterback Chase Daniel.

Chase is a great representative of the people of the Show Me State; chip on the shoulder, a little chubby, and can grow kick ass facial hair in his free time. Sure, he's not actually from Missouri, but nobody gives a shit...he's a Missourian. Jeremy Maclin and Daniel are a dynamic duo, and are so good, they could kill each other's Heisman votes. Being a Mizzou fan, we expect the greatness of two of our stars to kill the hype on each other's greatness. It's what we do.

As far as our rivalries go, we really only have two; Nebraska and kansas. Some may argue that we have four by adding Oklahoma and Illannoy in the mix, but for it to be considered a 'rivalry', you need two things; back-and-forth balance of competitive games, which we don't have by getting dominated by Oklahoma for years, and the mere fact of actually giving a shit about the other team, which we don't against the Illini. Illannoy, as you may get from the nickname, has basically been a little brother kind of pest to Mizzou. They are a team without a true rival, and they decided that they would become our rival. Basically a bullshit, made up rivalry to appease their fan base.

Tiger fans have always considered Nebraska and kU the teams of mass hatred. Nebraska for all the ass beatings that we incurred and Nubs fans claiming they did it with class, followed by many years of close games until we finally started to pull through. The hatred reached a boiling point with the whole Flea Kicker thing in 1997. kU is hated because they are kansas. It all goes back to William Quantrill and Bleeding Kansas, but Deadspin isn't a place to drop hints to the repeats of Win Ben Stein's Money.

We hate kU enough to never acknowledge them with a capital-'k' when referring to them. Of course, last season threw a Phillips 66 station worth of gas on the fire with the game at Camerohead and the birth of Sodd Reesing (see picture above), but this year has already been turned up to an 11 with the release of kU's "Big 12 North Co-Champion Trophy". The trophy has caused a little bit of an uproar among Mizzou fans because of the 36-28 win in the Armageddon game last year, and the fact that we went on to the Big 12 Title game, not the Squawks.

For once in my tired, pathetic, college football loving life, my team has expectations to do well. Everywhere I've turned all off-season, everyone has pimped the Tigers. Do we 'Eight Belles it', and go down in the backstretch of the season? Or instead, does our six-foot, chubby hero wearing the #10 save the day? Speaking for all Tiger fans, we are banking on the second option. Expect the worst, but going all-in for the best. It's what we Mizzou fans do.

At long last, we enter the top 10. Your author is Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation. He's also the author of The Eyes of Texas 2008. You'll be happy to know that the above picture of Jenna Bush rocking the longhorn sign sent Muslim hearts spinning because they believed it was a sign of Satan. Oklahoma and Arkansas natives have never felt so in tune with their Muslim brothers. Without further ado, here we go.

TEXAS’ GREATEST STRENGTH

William Larry Muschamp.

I shouldn’t have to elaborate, but this is Deadspin, where college football has for too long been an afterthought. A word of advice: Don’t let Will Muschamp find out. So intense is Texas’ new defensive coordinator that starting linebacker Roddrick Muckelroy has dreams about Muschamp yelling at him for screwing up.

Will Muschamp is the guy who screams profanities on national television, a man so intense his disciples wouldn’t blink if they saw him grab a bird from mid-flight, bite off its head, and then scream at its decapitated carcass for being too dumb to realize it shouldn’t be flying nearby.

He’s read that list of things Chuck Norris can do. And he hopes to meet the man himself so he can spit on his nappy beard and tell him that Texas Walker Ranger was a crime against humanity.

Will Muschamp thinks ‘defense’ is a misnomer. Because he’s training a war machine in Austin, and with it he intends to impose his will. The defenders this fall will be the pale-with-fear offensive linemen worrying about how to avoid having their quarterback killed.

He is Will Muschamp. Wear a helmet, motherfuckers.

TEXAS’ GREATEST WEAKNESS

On the flipside, every Texas fan should tell you the only thing standing between the Longhorns and a national title run is The Mack Clap.

If Will Muschamp is everything that is dark and angry and aggressive, The Mack Clap is the yellow ribbon from junior high that sissified parents hand out to everyone who participates. A visual and auditory reinforcement of failure. Too much love. Acceptance of the idea that trying hard is okay.

It is not. Winning is okay. Everything else is just frill.

This is the internal battle brewing in Austin, between the way things have been (Vince Young era excepted) and the way Will Muschamp wants them to be. If this is the Mack Brown you see this fall… look out.

A SHOT AT THE RIVAL

This summer Orson and I devoted a podcast to imagining the wine critic Robert Parker as a college football connoisseur. On Oklahoma, I can’t imagine a better way to describe them than how I imagined Robert Parker might:

“Oklahoma: as though Franzia had discarded the box concept in favor of used kerosene drums, a repugnant combination of biting acidity and malodorous toxins, packaged for sale to the lowliest lifeforms on Earth. As far as I’m concerned, the sooner—pun intended—we return the entire state to the Native Americans, the better.”

Amen.

Hook ‘em.

We're rolling through the college football top 25. Today we get things started with a photoshopped Mark Mangino. Can things get any better for Kansans? The season countdown has entered single digits. We're just nine days away from the glory that is Vanderbilt @ Miami-Ohio. Today's Kansas preview is brought to us by Ryan Patton of the very solid Kansas blog linked here.

Don’t Fuck with the Mangenius

I know what you're thinking and the answer is a resounding, "yes!" Of course I would give anything to see the Big Man trade spots with John Turturro and don the Jesus' pedderass purple bowling suit. And no, I probably wouldn't ever recover. But it would totally be worth it. Unfortunately, I'll likely have to settle for black velour suits. What? That's not what you were thinking?

Expectations

Very well, instead we’ll talk about the Jayhawks and their very rare lofty preseason ranking. In fact it's so rare that it's only happened five times in the history of the AP poll. Yet still, many (even Mark May!) are saying that they are likely to be this year's disappointment. Yeah, the team has been ranked a grand total of five times in the preseason and you think they're going to disappoint?

Mangino Eats Expectations for Breakfast

And probably a few other high calorie treats as well, but that’s neither here nor there. Hell, the fact that anyone outside of the Big XII now knows Kansas has a football team is a shit ton of progress for us that witnessed the Terry Allen years ('97-'01). And no, you shouldn't feel bad for not knowing who Terry Allen is. In fact, you should feel blessed. When Mangino took over for said dipshit he brought along Bob Stoops to one of the first team workouts and Stoops informed him that he had at most three legitimate Division I athletes on his roster. So there's that. And sadly there are many more similar stories.

Yet in just his sixth season he managed to notch a BCS victory. Kansas now has exactly the same amount of BCS wins as: Nebraska, Florida State, Tennessee and Michigan. They have now exceeded the number of BCS wins by Frank Beamer and his football sized goiter. They also have more than that booger munching team from the east (Methzouri, for the lay person), who has never seen a BCS game (or Final Four). But I digress.

The truth of the matter is that until recently I was extremely worried about this season. For one thing, as the old adage goes, it’s tough to get to the top, but it’s a lot tougher to stay there. And frankly, I figured the team was likely to get a little complacent after last season’s success. And when you combine that with the loss of some seniors, some talent and a much more difficult schedule things could get ugly. Especially at a school that has never gone to bowls in back-to-back seasons in its storied history. Enter Mangino.

For a guy that obviously exercises zero discipline in regards to his physical appearance, he is a notorious bastard when it comes to his football team. To be sure, Kansas is quite a ways away from fielding a team with comparable talent to OU, Texas, even Nebraska, and probably over half of the teams in the SEC. In short, without a similar attention to detail (first in TO margin, 3rd in penalties, etc.) they probably won’t be nearly as successful. But with the rotund dictator at the helm I’m not expecting a huge drop-off.

Offense

As for the personnel, they won’t look like LSU when they walk off the bus. But that’s the beauty of college football. And the spread offense. As long as you can keep them guessing there is no reason that a quarterback who looks more like a frat guy than a football player can’t throw for 3500 yards, 33 touchdowns and only 7 interceptions. In the interest of keeping things succinct, if he does that again, you’re going to be hearing about Kansas a lot later in the season than you’re used to.

Offensively they have to replace their tackles (Collins and Rodriguez), their TE (Fine), a WR (Henry) and a RB (McAnderson). The latter two are very replaceable. I have my doubts for the others, but I’m under the impression that while the newbies may not be quite as good as their predecessors we shouldn’t expect a huge plummet either. They’re set at the skill positions and if the tackles come along as they’re supposed to, there is no reason this offense shouldn’t be every bit as good as the one we saw last year. The stats may not be same, but the offense should be.

Defense

On this side of the ball they return 20 of 22 from their two-deep. Unfortunately, the two they lost were All Americans in CB Aqib Talib (1st) and DT James McClinton (2nd). Their replacements fall into the worry category as both were perennial starters and we haven’t known a defense without them for quite some time. But when you bring back nearly every starter and all of their backups from a defense that finished 12th nationally you’re not too worried about that side of the ball.

Throw in the fact that their “best in the Big XII” linebacking unit is led by Crazy Joe Davola (or Mortensen) and I really start to get giddy about watching this defense. Mortensen and Mike Rivera are known to prepare for games by slapping the shit out of each other repeatedly. And Mortensen wants to kill you. Like, seriously. As soon as he’s done with football he wants to join the Marines. To kill people. This is exactly what I’m looking for in a linebacker. And that’s why I’m expecting big things from the Kansas defense.

Special Teams

As optimistic as it sounds, my biggest worry with this team is its place kicker. Despite being a four year starter Scott Webb was never exactly Adam Vinatieri, but aside from that one game at Arrowhead (blurg) last year he was pretty dependable. As of yesterday it was a three man race, though none of them were considered very capable. As of today, that race could be down to one as presumed incumbent Stephen Hoge has left the team to pursue medical school and the slightly more capable Jacob Branstetter was informed that he may be academically ineligible. Not to pile on the guy when he’s down, but how in the shit can someone not qualify to play athletics for a state school?! That leaves Butler County Community College transfer Grady Fowler as the lone ranger. The extent of what I know about him is this: he was an honorable mention All American kicking for the 2007 JUCO national champion and he made 53/55 PATs and 8/12 FGs. Does Kathy Ireland still have any eligibility? She owes us…

Predictions

Since I've already made a short story long, let's just say that the fact that Kansas is even being analyzed means there is no way for this season to disappoint, despite the schedule strength increasingly greatly.

Almost Sure Wins (6): FIU, Louisiana Tech, Sam Houston St., @ Iowa State, Colorado, KSU
Almost Sure Losses (1): @ Oklahoma
Almost Sure Toss-ups (5): @ South Florida, Texas Tech, @ Nebraska, Texas, Methzouri (@ Arrowhead)

It's pretty easy to write off last year's success as a product of the schedule. And I’ll be the first to admit that it wasn’t all that tough. But lest we forget that with the exact same schedule the prior year they went 6-6 and were not invited to a bowl game. So obviously the team got better. And there were only two real changes, the offensive coordinator and the quarterback. Would they have gone 12-1 with this year's schedule? Unlikely. Will they do it this year? Almost assuredly not. In fact, I've gone on record as predicting 10-3 + a bowl game. And since I'm never right, I'll all but guarantee you that doesn't happen either. But shit, I know you wouldn’t have believed me if I’d try to predict a 12-1 season last year. And though you might not believe this one either, the fact that you’re even entertaining the thought is enough progress to keep me fat and giggly for the time being. Anything beyond that is just gravy.

Do I even need to say it?

Quarterback Graham Harrell and last year’s Biletnikoff Award winner, Michael Crabtree, lead Texas Tech into what they hope will be their break through season in both the Big 12 South and the BCS. Texas Tech returns 18 starters (ten on offense) and rides its highest preseason ranking in 31 years in this season’s quest to escape its reputation as the “also ran” of Texas college football. Harrell returns for his senior year and his third as a starter after once again putting up “holy shit” statistics last year (5,705 yards, 71.8% completion, 48 touchdowns and 14 interceptions is difficult on PlayStation even when you’re sober). Crabtree came into last year with expectations that he would contribute immediately, and put together such an outstanding year that he avoided the “system player” knock. Besides the two big stars, Tech has more depth and talent on both sides of the ball than ever. If the breakthrough doesn’t happen this year, then I’m giving up on football and throwing all of my support behind Tech’s Meat Judging team.

Mike Leach is entering what I think is his ninth season with Texas Tech (I can’t be expected to confirm this. I’m a fucking volunteer writer.) They call him the Mad Scientist. I don’t particularly like this nickname because (1) he’s a lawyer by training, not a scientist, and (2) although he’s peculiar, he doesn’t exhibit any signs of dementia. Nonetheless, he’s done a damn fine job. Regardless of whether we make big waves this year, he’s made Tech recognizable and relevant. That is no small task at a university with a relatively isolated campus that has to compete with Texas, Oklahoma, Aggieland, etc., etc.

Strengths:

It’s Texas Tech, so unless you’ve been in a coma the last 8 years, you know their strength is the passing game. They shouldn’t miss a beat this year with ten starters returning. Crabtree’s numbers will likely decline because of the added coverage he will draw. He’s still a badass and should open things up for other receivers like Eric “The Elf” Morris (5’8” 177lbs), Edward Britton, Detron Lewis, and a handful of others. Seriously, in an average season, 15 or 16 guys catch a pass.

At least early on, running back will be by committee with Shannon Woods, Aaron Crawford, and Baron Batch. Each of them is in the slightly undersized 5’11” 200lbs mold and they’re each pretty good in the open field.
The entire starting offensive line is back (although a couple of the starters are being challenged for their spots). The O-Line averages about 6’5” and 325lbs., and only gave up 18 sacks in 763 pass attempts last year. They also handled Chris Long pretty well last year in the Gator Bowl. (Side Note: If you watched that game, you know that Chris Long plays like someone put PCP on his cornflakes and lit a block of firecrackers in his ass.) Louis Vasquez is the name to remember, at least as the season begins.

Gratuitous Leach Quote #1: “If you get into a fight, don't take your helmet off. We're looking for smart football players, not dumb ones. In the interest of time, don't get into any more fights today."

Weaknesses:

Six months ago, I would say Tech’s biggest weakness is that they let opponents stomp a mud-hole in their ass with the running game. However, Tech has added a lot of quality depth to their defensive front seven in the off season (Tech only played 3 guys at DT last year in their 4-3 system). Chris Perry, Brandon Sesay and McKinner Dixon are all newcomers that should all contribute to the D-Line this year. Sophomore Coby Whitlock and junior Brandon Williams each appear to have the ability to play on Sunday.

That being said, the real weakness is consistency, both throughout the season and in individual games. There’s no room for a horrible loss to a bad team like years past with Colorado, Oklahoma State, Iowa State, New Mexico, etc.

Look no further than the last two bowl games for inconsistent play within a game (overcoming deficits of 31 and 14 points due primarily to inconsistent play and penalties). Although it is especially not cool to get a 21 point first half lead on Texas, prompting me to leave a buddy’s wedding reception in downtown Atlanta on Halloween weekend in search of a sports bar, then give up the lead and lose leading me to drunkenly scream at a television in the corner of said sports bar, all the while surrounded by southern metrosexuals in clever Halloween costumes. It was demoralizing to say the least.

Gratuitous Leach Quote #2: “We played two games out here today. We played a very poor one the first half, and we played a pretty good one the second half. The first half, Baylor's three defensive lineman consistently whipped our five offensive linemen. I'm very disappointed with the first half, pleased with the second half, so it's kind of a love hate game really."

Rival:

Aggieland refuses to acknowledge that Texas Tech is their rival. The fact that we’ve beaten them in 10 of the last 13 games makes me obliged to focus on them. It may surprise people unfamiliar with the Big 12, but I shit you not that most Aggie fans think A&M has a top 15, if not top 10 program. Thus, they cannot be bothered with lowly Texas Tech (I’m not making this shit up.) Maybe taking only three days to find a new coach, but more than 3 months to find a new mascot. (Reveille VIII was introduced on August 11) is what leaves Aggieland from being our “rival in denial” to being our “trap game” at best. Also, we kicked the shit out of them in Meat Judging last year.

Gratuitous Leach Quote #3: “Yeah, you've just got to work around the Corps. I think it's one of the greatest settings in college football, and they've got those guys with swords marching around. I'll make my annual plea that I think the opposing team should be given some swords too, and after the game, we'll give them back so the next opposing team can use the swords. I don't think it's fair that just one side should have swords. But I do think the Corps, in and of itself, is impressive. They march around there and sometimes you have to dodge between columns to get to the locker room, but you work through that."

Cue the Denver Post:

And in a move that may draw "only in Boulder" eyeball rolling in some corners of the Big 12, Bohn announced a valet parking for bicycles with a bicycle corral at the stadium. It will be manned by volunteer students, as will the composting and recycling bins inside the stadium.

I'm sure that Nebraska and Texas fans won't make fun of the valet parking for bikes. Wouldn't dream of it. Meanwhile the Colorado football fans who like eating meat and don't have zero carbon footprints (all 21 of them) are going to be staging a rally for the good old days back when Gary Barnett was coach and all they had to worry about was sexually assaulting female kickers.

CU's Folsom Field Aims for no trash
[Denver Post]
What Happened Mike Bohn? Were you bit? Did you eat their brownies? DID YOU EAT THEIR BROWNIES!!?!? [Colorado Homers]

• 1. The Top 12 Countdown. Colorado has not one, but three (and possibly more) fight songs. Oklahoma glued the refrain of North Carolina's Hark The Sound to Yale's Boolah Boolah to create Boomer Sooner. Nebraska's fight song says, "The boys are the squarest." And check out the Texas A&M Aggie War Hymn, in which over half the verses disparage the University of Texas.

• 2. It's Heismaniffic. When former Oklahoma football players aren't going into politics (e.g. J.C. Watts), they're touting BBQ sauce. Billy Simms now has his own sauce, trying to break into the market dominated by the Selmon Brothers.

• 3. Buffaloes Once Again On Endangered List. How sorry is the state of Colorado football? Their best player is their placekicker. But Mason Crosby is probably the best kicker in college football, going 5-for-7 from beyond 50 yards last season, including a 58-yard FG against Miami in the Orange Bowl at near sea level. Crosby may be the only thing preventing CU from being shut out in every game this season.

• 4. Still A Hot Topic. Before Adrian Peterson, there was Marcus Dupree, whose recruitment out of Philadelphia, Mississippi inspired Willie Morris' classic book The Courting of Marcus Dupree. At Oklahoma, though, he clashed with coach Barry Switzer so much that he walked out of Norman in 1983 after playing just one season. After trying to transfer to Southern Miss, he played for the New Orleans Breakers of the USFL and attempted a final comeback in 1990 with the LA Rams. Just mentioning Dupree's name at an OU cocktail party is a bigger conversation killer than mentioning Jack Abrahamoff's name at a Republican fundraiser.

Tuesday: The Mountain West.
Wednesday: The Sun Belt.