Here's Simmons' complete remarks on his (relative) absence from ESPN.com over the last month or so.

Yes, I still work for ESPN. No, I'm not writing for ESPN.com as much — my choice, not theirs. That's just the way it will be from now on, unfortunately. I'd have more to say, but I'd end up being profane and I don't want to offend Buzz Bissinger.

When we inquired further, Simmons went on:

I still love writing my column and only re-signed last year because I really did believe that we had hashed out all the behind the scenes bullshit and come to some sort of agreement on creative lines, media criticism rules, the promotion of the column and everything else on ESPN.com. Within a few months, all of those things changed and certain promises were not kept. It's as simple as that.

So ... there's that. Suddenly, 2010, when Simmons' most recent deal expires, seems rather far away. Flipping around while researching this post, we stumbled across this, and some cursory Web sleuthing does seem to track it back to Simmons. (Hey, if Jemele Hill can have an outside blog, why can't he?) Simmons obliquely has played the ESPN-won't-let-me-be-ME card in the past, but this is the first time, in our memory, that he's plainly stated his frustrations in a public forum and actively written less for the site because of them. Not quite the end of an era, but certainly seems to mark something.

If you — or your "client" — would like to be included in an upcoming "Interviews Of A Lifetime," please contact either myself or Deadspin HQ for inquiries.

DS:Now. Have you made up with the Boston fans? I remember when you left to sign with the Angels, it was a little contentious.

FL:You know what happened? When the new ownership took over the Sox, the first thing that they did was give me a call, and they wanted me to be in the Red Sox Hall of Fame. And that would have never happened under the old regime. I was kind of persona non grata with that group - same as Rick Burleson, Carlton Fisk and a few other guys, which kind of grew as the years went on. For me personally, it was just a bad situation and these guys made it right and I'm very grateful to the existing ownership of the Sox for giving me that opportunity to go back to the fans again.

Speaking of fans...how do you feel about one fan in particular, Bill Simmons? He just absolutely loves you.

Ummmm...I don't recall that name, but should I know him?

The Sports Fella? The columnist for ESPN? Really? You don't know him? He, like, worships you?

Oh! Wait a minute! I know where this is going. Yes, I do know him! Yes, I do know him! Yeah, yeah, yeah! I don't know that we've met more than once, but one time I think it was pretty interesting if it was the right meeting...

The one at the celebrity softball game?

That's the one! Yeah! He's got my baseball card in his wallet!

Did you think that was weird?

Um...I thought it was kind of different. I think I had Farrah Fawcett in my wallet.

It appears that everyone born in New England in the late sixties regarded you as their first honest to goodness man crush.

Here's how it works: My baseball demographic right now is probably people aged 38 and older. And in the years when they're 10-13, those are pretty impressionable years, and any kid who is that age gets interested in music, baseball or anything latches on to you. That's when I was quote-unquote a star, and these kids saw me then. That's my crowd. That's my group.

Yeah, Simmons dressed up as you for Halloween apparently.

Yeah. And that's what happens. It doesn't matter if it's male or female - those are my guys. That's just like I was growing up with Willie Mays. That's when you're impressionable and you begin to like somebody at that age and you like them for the rest of your life.

But you've never spoken with Simmons again after that? He's a pretty legit writer for ESPN now.

I know that, I know that. And ESPN and I parted ways in about '99, so he's post-that, I believe. Yeah, and he's doing some pretty good things and he has a good baseball mind I know that.

Well, how about Peter Gammons? Are you friends with him?

You mean The Commissioner?

No, Peter Gammons.

I know, that's what we call him...

Oh, right.

Come on, man! You should know that. I thought you knew stuff.

I don't. I don't know anything.

But Pete's a great guy. He was the Boston beat writer when I first got there. And Peter Gammons, if you recall, was the first one to make up the back page, the sporting page for the Boston Globe, with all of the statistics and everything you needed to know. That was Peter's deal.

So, you see Peter Gammons more regularly than you do Bill Simmons?

I see Peter when I go back to Boston when I do some games for the Sox. So, I'm there three or four times a year and I bump into Peter for different events. Yeah, so I don't do that with Bill.

So, do you think if you were an athlete in today's media environment, that you could handle all the scrutiny of player's personal lives?

I think I could. I think it takes some of the fun out of the game for the guys because they really can't let their hair down like we did - literally in the 70s, hair was a big thing. I watch guys play and they do all the right things, they still play well, but I don't see laughter. I see it with certain guys, like Manny, but there are no more Bill Lees. There are no characters of the game. They're all homogenized almost, and that's too bad. That's what's fun about baseball. I like to see the individual.

It doesn't seem like it's worth anyone's while to have a personality in this day and age, though, because it could come back and bite them in the ass, though.

It's very difficult because of all the media. At any point you can be seen. I mean, you've got your phones and you can photograph guys with your phones. So, where do you go? I was a fisherman, if I got away from the game for a little bit, I'd go fishing. So, it would just be me and the fish.

Yeah, that's not an interesting photo.

I would've not been very much fun to follow around like that.

Do you think you deserve to be in the Hall of Fame?

That's not really for me to say, but let's put it this way. On the defensive side, I'd throw my glove in there with anybody that's ever played. On the offensive side? You throw out the injuries that happened to me the second part of my career basically, I did some things that people had never done before. Now today, people are doing the things all the time that I started doing, running into walls, those types of things. I really didn't have any holes in my game other than the fact that I couldn't stay on the field for the second half of my career. It was probably a culmination of all the sports that I did as a kid, kind of catching up to me.

Now that Boston has won two World Series recently, do you feel like they're now the most annoying fans on the planet?

It's a little different when you're the lovable loser - now the Cubs have that mantra. But Boston's like bullies now. Because they've won, and the Yankees, even though they're always contenders haven't won in a while, and all of the sudden, Boston is the team to beat. And I don't know if they know how to wear that hat.

So you notice the shift in fandom?

Oh, absolutely. But, you know, there were a lot of people following the Sox when I was playing. I mean, we didn't have a "Nation." It might have been a couple of counties.

Do you think "The Red Sox Nation" is retarded?

It's pretty supportive. I was at a game in San Diego and there were more Red Sox fans there than Pads fans.

Did the crazed Nation people tackle you?

No, they were very polite about it. Like, "Hey, Freddie. What are you doing here? Why are you in San Diego? Why aren't you in Boston?" They were just fans. I really have a good time with the fans. I don't shy away from them like I did as a kid.

But no fan came up to you showing off a baseball card in his wallet or telling you that they dressed like Fred Lynn for Halloween?

No, no, no. Nothing like that. Ha! That was weird, the card was all worn down, like it'd been run through the washing machine or something. It wasn't pristine. The wallet had seen its better days to - he probably got the card and the wallet around the same time.

And you never stayed in touch with Simmons, that's a shame.

You know, no, we never exchanged information. I don't think I even had email back then. He can always contact me through my website.

Do you think you'd go fishing with him?

You never know. If somebody offers me a fishing trip, I'm pretty easily coerced into doing that.

So you would go fishing with Bill Simmons?

I might!

How about you just go fishing with me instead?

There you go.

Alright, I think that's enough...

You don't want to talk about anything else? About why I'm here?

I got it, I got it. MLB.com "Rookie of the Month", sponsored by Gillette, blah, blah, blah. It's all right here in the press release.

Yeah, they have a website, MLB.com/Gillette. And what I think's neat about is the fans are voting. I think this is a big thing and I tell you why: Not only are fans voting for this but I think it's going to be an avenue for young people to vote. Because let's face it, young people are the ones that are going to be online.

You don't say....

Yeah. They are. If you told my dad about a website, he'd go "What's that? Is there a spider in the room?" So this is an avenue to get young people involved with baseball at a primary level. The fact they have a say into who's going to win these awards. Plus, they could win some pretty cool things...a trip to the All-Star game, a trip to the World Series. I mean, these are pretty cool things, right? I mean, Gillete's a great sponsor, and I'm glad they've partnered up with MLB.com...

Speaking of Gillette, what was the worst shaving experience you've ever had in your life?

Uh...it was the first time I ever shaved. Because I didn't know what I was doing and every guy when they're 15 wants to shave even if there is nothing there. And I kind of attacked myself a little bit roughly and in those days....oooooh...the razors. There was nothing there to prevent you from slashing yourself.

But now with Gillette razors, that doesn't happen...

Yeah. That was not a Gillette product I slashed myself with.

Have you ever tried the Gillette manscaping product?

You know what? I use the Fusion.

Ah, yes. "The Fusion."

Yeah. There's about 6,000 blades in there and you can't go wrong.

Do you shave your whole entire body?

No, no, no....I don't do that. I'm from California, but I don't do that.

That's a different generation. I'm actually shaving myself right now.

Oh...oh, no. Oh, oh. I'm glad this is not a picture phone.

Me too.

Anyway, in the world of newspapers, few sections are more respected than The Boston Globe's sports section. Back in the heyday, they featured Peter Gammons, Will McDonough, Bob Ryan, that whole crew; not only did they change the way papers covered sports, they predated the Web's triumph of short-tidbits-of-important-information over long-winded-blather-over-Kevin-McHale's-"heart." And now, perhaps fittingly, the section is being gutted by the Web. We mentioned yesterday that Gordon Edes was leaving the paper, and now Scott's Shots reports that Peter May, the paper's senior basketball writer, is accepting the paper's buyout in the middle of the Celtics' playoff run.

Bill Simmons has written how, frustrated by the glacial pace of promotion at newspapers, he decided to go out on his own rather than wait for, you know, the old people to die. And now the paper would probably kill to have Simmons on staff ... not that they could afford him if it had the opportunity. Stupid Web, ruining everything.

Mays' Days Dwindle At Globe [Scott's Shots]

No word from Simmons yet — we contacted him, but it's the West Coast, and we doubt he's awake yet — but ESPN's explanation makes little sense.

But ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz told us: "It's absolutely not an issue about any one candidate. Our position is that when they're down to the final two candidates, we'll look for options to interview each accordingly. Fans don't expect political coverage on our air. We did Kerry and Bush on ESPN. Separate one-on-ones that were sports related."

We're not quite sure we agree with Rush & Malloy on this, who make a big show of pointing out that George Bodenheimer gave $1,000 to John McCain. After all, John Papanek gave to Obama, and Bodenheimer also donated $1,000 to now-Obama supporter Chris Dodd.

We think it's more a matter of pulling rank. Some online guy is gonna have Sen. Obama as a guest on his PODCAST? What the hell's a podcast? Better to wait until Stu Scott can talk to him about Carolina hoops after the convention. Why waste the access on a podcast?

That's our theory, anyway. As Rush & Malloy quote a source:

"They landed the hottest politician in 50 years, and they couldn't even see the interview through? This is insanity."

If you'll excuse him, Bill Simmons will now set himself on fire.

Barack Obama Is Game, ESPN Isn't [New York Daily News]

Simmons is a guy who seems to get it from both ends sometimes. The Web people who he — unwittingly, perhaps — opened the door for go after him, and the supposed "mainstream" folk seem unlikely to ever accept him as one of their own. This might be one of those examples of when both sides are mad at you, you're probably doing something right. Or maybe not.

But yeah: We're pretty curious how this vote goes.

So: Do you like the Bill Simmons? Do you not like the Bill Simmons? Let us know.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

By now, you've noticed the motto of this fair website is "Sports news without access, favor, or discretion." And, if you've read Leitch's book (31 used and new from just $14!), you know why he chose that exact phrasing. The inherent catch-22 of a sportswriter's job lies in access. You can't brutally criticize athletes and expect them to give you any access. But, if you go the other way and soften your treatment of athletes in order to maintain access, then you end up looking like a jocksniffer (Hi, Stephen A.!).

Most sportswriters get around this by mixing and matching. They're effusive in their praise for the handful of guys that give them decent quotes. They save their most gleeful invective for the handful that don't. The site motto acts as a formula. If a reporter has access, he's likely to fall into favor with an athlete, and in turn exercise discretion. If you take access out of the equation, then favor and discretion never have to come into play. No favoritism. No grudges. That's how this site operates, and it's how you end up seeing pictures of Matty Leinart rocking the puffy vest as the legendary "fifth member" of 98 Degrees. What a cockpumper.

But there's another reason access is frowned upon round these parts, and it lies in Rick "Mr. Punderful" Reilly's criticism of the blogfolk from last week. Let's revisit the money quote:

There's some good journalism, and some really horrible crap on there from guys holding down the couch springs in their mother's basement that have never been in a lockerroom but are pining on this and that.

Reilly assumes that, if you haven't been in a locker room, if you've never had access, then you can't possibly have any sort of valuable insight to offer on sports. This is wrong, of course. I'm pretty sure Bill James didn't set foot into a locker room before changing the fundamental nature of baseball scouting forever. He didn't need to see Rich Garces' tits in order to glean insight as to how he pitches (though I've heard Rich Garces' tits are AMAZING). Shit, he didn't even need to see him play on TV.

But Reilly inadvertently also touches on something else here. He's drawing a distinct difference between a fan writing from home and a "classically trained" journalist, as he says, writing with access to the event, athletes, etc.

And there is a difference. But it's not the one he's thinking of. Reilly is what I like to call a privileged sportswriter. I'm not saying he's rich, or snooty, or anything like that. (Full disclosure: I went to prep school and own a handful of Brooks Brothers shirts. Because I'm gay, you see.) What I mean is that, in his position, Reilly has access to privileges that you or I, as normal sports fans, don't have. He gets to go to the Masters, VIP-style:

I was covering the Masters recently, was in the press room, in the clubhouse, on the course...

He gets to go golfing with Bill Clinton. He gets to ride in an Indy 500 race car. He gets to walk up to Sammy Sosa's locker and dare him to pee in a cup for him. He gets to do all that.

And that's why he sucks.

If you're a privileged sportswriter, you're experiencing sports in a completely different way from normal, everyday fans. They don't get to do any of that shit. If they want to go to the Masters, they have to pay thousands for tickets off eBay, then stay in some Days Inn 45 miles away from the course. If they want to ride in an Indy 500 car, they have to go to Dave & Buster's and dump $3 into the bastardized version. If they want to go golfing with Bill Clinton, they have to find a big-titted blonde hooker willing to blow him at the turn. If they want Sammy Sosa's urine, they have to purchase it at his memorabilia show. They watch sports at home, or in bars, or at house parties.

The difference between how Rick Reilly watches sports and how you watch them is wider than Tony Parker's vagina, and the fact that he fails to appreciate that difference makes him weak. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad there are reporters out there who have access. You need only read Tom Callahan's book about Johnny Unitas to appreciate that. Or read Reilly's own account of the death of referee Kenny Wilcoxen. Both are brilliant pieces. Neither could have been written by us basement-dwelling mongoloids.

But there's a kind of sportswriting out in Blogfrica now that also has value to me, as a fan, specifically because the people writing are non-credentialed jackasses, just as I am. They experience sports the same way I do, so I'm more apt to connect with what THEY'RE saying than with the dude who gets to hang out with Phil Mickelson at the pitch and putt.

They're talking about sports WITH me, rather than trying to lecture me about whatever unique, enlightened perspective they discovered watching from their privileged viewing platform. Sometimes I need the latter. Other times, I don't. The whole reason people like sports blogs is because it's regular fans shooting the breeze with other regular fans. It's a viewpoint some columnist with unlimited clubhouse access can't share, and often looks down upon, as Reilly does, because it's "uninformed."

But that lack of access can prove valuable to a reader as well. Take, for example, MJD's smorgasbord. He goes to watch the games at a bar. He encounters bartenders that fuck up toggling between games. He sees waitresses he'd like to bang. He runs into incredibly annoying Steeler fans (They're everywhere!).

I relate to that guy. He and I could, like, hang out and shit. I like reading it. I don't always want to hear from an expert. Sometimes, I want to just hear from a guy who thinks Joey Porter is a total fuck.

If MJD started taking private jets, Lupica-style, to sit in the front row of any major sporting event he wanted (and my sources at Yahoo tell me he'll begin doing this starting June 1), I'd lose that shared experience that made me connect with him as a reader. Something would be fundamentally altered in our gay little imaginary relationship. He wouldn't be a peer anymore. He'd be, like, a journalist or something. Above me. His experiences would be isolated from mine.

And while that undoubtedly has its own value, we fans sometimes need to hear from other fans. It's why blogs and self-publishing are important. Because, as illegitimate entities, bloggers often see sports the same way we do: at home, drunk, and masturbating to this surprisingly decent Mena Suvari ass shot during the half.

Bill Simmons used to be a non-privileged sportswriter. The guy didn't become the most prominent sportswriter in America because he had Peter King's contact list. He became popular because he was a fan first and foremost. The fact that what he did was revolutionary at all tells you everything you need to know about the lofty perch from which most sportswriters observe both their subject matter and their plebian readership. But then Simmons moved to LA, gained unlimited access to any event he pleased, and became a sort of all-powerful superfan, writing things like:

I watched the festivities over at my new boss Jimmy Kimmel's house, in a living room featuring a 100-foot big screen with accompanying 42-inch, widescreen plasma screens on either side (all that's missing are cocktail waitresses, hopefully coming next year). Thanks to split-screen on the widescreens, Jimmy can show as many as five games at once, with people coming and going all day, with enough food and drink to handle the entire neighborhood. The lesson, as always: It's good to be the king.

Good for you, asshole. Glad you could watch the games from the command bridge of the Starship Kimmelprise. But what the fuck do I care? How the fuck am I supposed to relate to that shit? I got one TV, and half the time I have to switch it to fucking Noggin to accommodate the drunken midget living with me. Fuck your kingdom.

This isn't about selling out. This is about people in the mainstream media failing to recognize the fundamental difference between privileged sportswriting and the kind of shit you find here on Deadspin, and why the latter is important. And the fact that people like Reilly continually try and disparage it (and can't even think of a new metaphor to do so) serves only to put them at an even greater distance from the general sporting public. It doesn't have to be that way, and that's what makes it all the more annoying.

Then again, maybe it can't be avoided. Maybe the people covering sports now are just as distant from the fans as the athletes they cover. It's no coincidence the bulk of ESPN's programming now involves sportswriters talking to one another. They're the only people they can identify with. You certainly aren't part of the conversation. In the introduction to "Johnny U," Tom Callahan wrote, "That's the thing sports will never get back. Once, the players were one of us. They lived right next door. They don't anymore."

And neither does Rick Reilly.

We missed Bill Simmons' impassioned work for Sonics fans while we were on vacation, but it's really pretty excellent stuff, and exactly what a national sports columnist should be doing with his platform. Not that anyone will notice, or do anything, or care.

Anyway, we received this email from a diehard Patriots fan 30 minutes after the game last night:

I've drained eleven Miller Lites over the course of this debacle, and for some reason, I felt the need to email the editor of Deadspin. I have no idea how to attack this loss. I'm thrown off, definitely, and sad, but it has been a half hour, so my sadness has tapered off a little. What a beat. WHAT. A. BEAT. The worst part is, this team, this awesome team, will be forever remembered as chokers, rather than the team they are: a brilliant team that came within a minute of perfection. Though the fan base (though it is hard for me to swallow the fact that bandwagoners are considered the fan base, but what can I do) deserved the loss, it still... well, multiply the word "sting" by 50. That's the word I'm looking for. Well, I'll take my licks tomorrow, man, no matter how shitty it will end up being. Oddly, since I grew up rooting for these teams, I became accustomed to looks of pity after a loss like this. That's the thing Bill never mentions: since Boston(and New England) sucked for so long, we never developed a thick skin for criticism. We got used to everyone rooting for us, and when we inevitably lost, they shook their heads and said, "Some day, guys." That's why we are the way we are. We can't get used to being envied and hated, so we act like douches and lash back.

Again, sorry, pal. We don't deserve a lick of your sympathy. But, I wanted you to know we took the hit hard tonight... well, at least the diehards did.

Enjoy it while you can. Baseball season's coming soon.

Then, 10 minutes later:

What kills me more than this loss is the fact that half the people who are enjoying this (well deserved) win by the Giants are doing so because they hate the Pats fans, not the Pats. And that's because a lot of people who root for the team don't handle what I was talking about well. We were good at this once, man, I swear. We were small, and were tough, and we were diehards. Things just... grow, and there's nothing you can do. This team, as chippy as they are, were within three minutes of perfection. Three minutes. JEZUS, I can't even get that through my head.

Then, this morning:

The ironic side note to the fact that sports is the perfect form of escapism is that, when you want nothing to do with sports, there is no way you can escape them. I'd almost prefer to be surrounded by drunken diehard Giants fans right now than have to listen to everyone in my office, one by one, come to my desk and offer half-hearted condolences and recycle some reason for the loss they heard on the radio on the way in to work, when all they really want to know is if they hit a square last night.

We know that last one very well; the day after Illinois lost to North Carolina in the NCAA Championship Game, we left our old office at noon. We couldn't take a full day of that.

Well, today, Simmons is going for the chat "record" on ESPN, attempting to "break" Rob Neyer's mark of six hours and 37 minutes. That's right, folks; for the first time in years, Simmons might actually put in a real work day today.

Of course, the chat is for charity. And by "charity," we mean "for the Jimmy V Foundation." And by "for charity," we mean "there's a phone number slapped on ESPN stories this week," not "the site's giving ad revenue for the week to the Jimmy V Foundation." Because they're not doing that.

Anyway, the chat starts in 15 minutes; we suspect you could get a head start on the questioning right here.

Marathon Chat With Bill Simmons [ESPN]

Radar Online reports that ESPN is considering picking the program up for next season.

Is Friday Night Lights, NBC's critically acclaimed, little-watched high school football drama, headed to ESPN? According to a source familiar with the proceedings, the self-proclaimed "World-wide Leader in Sports" is in talks to bring the flagging Texas-based show into its original programming stable.

Our favorite part of the story is the quote from an ESPN spokesperson: "Grumblings about sports shows being aired on ESPN are common." Hey, don't we know it.

Friday Night Lights To Move To ESPN? [Radar Online]

The E-Ticket section on ESPN.com has always been one of the stronger elements of the site, and the show, while occasionally lapsing into the same soft-focus weeper segments that permeate Chris Connelly's "reports," trades off it well. Jeremy Schaap's Cecil Fielder story was fascinating; it was hard not to feel bad for the guy, even if he probably has a lot of it coming. Even Rachel Nichols' segment on gambling was well-done, and she didn't once ask how the bookies were "feeling." We even like the "reporter explains his/her story" black-and-white newsroom footage; it's kind of a clever riff on the "Real Sports" studio segments where Bryant Gumbel interviews Frank Deford. A little of Schaap's This Is An Important Story And I Am Saying Important Things voice goes a long way, but on the whole, not a bad show.

Bill Simmons' segment at the end, in which he plays one-on-one with Paul Pierce while wearing a motion capture suit, wasn't an embarrassment either, though we question the appropriateness of following four serious investigative stories with a man in spandex joking about ruining his "career."

But look! See! An ESPN show we kind of liked! We're fair!

Riffing on Bill Simmons' befuddled confusion that these aren't the loose, wacky Red Sox of recent vintage, FWJRB (as he will be referred to in this post) lays out the case.

1. Recent post-season success

2. Bloated payroll

3. Aloof, superior fanbase

4. Aging and/or worthless pitching (with Eric Gagne playing Roger Clemens)
5. Offense predicated entirely on home runs.

Yep: That's pretty much dead on. The Red Sox have turned into the Yankees, and suddenly, their quirks and eccentricities aren't charming anymore. When Manny poses after hitting a home run that brings his team within four runs, it's not funny or cute: He's just being a dick. And Manny's one of the likable ones! The Red Sox have the only player in the major leagues who Cardinals fans boo.

Boston's gonna be fine; as a friend told us last night, if you could build a Major League Baseball franchise from scratch, they'd look a lot like the Red Sox. But that team, that next team, is in the future. This Boston team now, they're look old, they look confused and they look like this fun, talented and fiery Indians team is about to wipe them straight out of the playoffs.

Would The Red Sox Please Make This Interesting? [Fair And Foul]

(Advantage to putting up About Last Night at 5:30 in the morning; smart commenters will write the site for you!)

All told, we find this rather clever — and, to be honest, we've been enjoying the Women's World Cup considerably more than we would enjoy a Troy-Oklahoma State game — and we pretty much enjoy everything Stone does. (We had no idea sideline reporters could be funny; isn't that against the rules?) Though we did chuckle at Sean McDonough's line of "Don't we have policies against that sort of stuff?" Theoretically!

Rob Stone, Straight Pimpin' [Awful Announcing]
Behold The Upper Thigh Of Bill Simmons [Deadspin]

SLAM Online was at the motion capture photo shoot for NBA Live '08 ... and guess who put on the spandex.

After lunch, everyone moved over to EA's motion capture facility (where they've got an autographed Chris Kaman sneaker on display) and the players—and Bill Simmons, who apparently will be in the game—all squeezed their way into their spandex suits and got ready to have their movements put into the game.

Yes, Simmons is going to be in the game, and that spandex photo is going to surface. So, you know, get yourself straight with God.

Live With Marion, Pierce, Foye, Frye, West And Arenas [SLAM Online]

(Standard disclaimer, which is now becoming rote: We like Simmons' column and are not out to get him. That's just the rest of ESPN!)

Oh, and With Leather has an outstanding visual take on this.)

Simmons' photo column — one might call it a "field trip" — was moderately entertaining, as these things go, and we didn't find it any more obnoxious than any other Fan Of A Winning Team Goes To The Opposing Stadium Of A Losing Team column. (Some disagree with us.) But man, oh man, what could he have possibly been thinking with that closeup of the leg hair? Particularly when its main purpose is to set up a joke about his friend Stoner — broadcaster Rob Stone, in case you didn't know already — spilling Bloomin Onion sauce on his shorts. That was the whole joke, apparently. We're not sure the juice was worth the squeeze there, Bill. And that's not a euphemism. Mercifully.

Were You Hoping To See Bill Simmons' Leg Hair? [Randball]

Some may believe this scandal isn't as large as it seems, but we have to disagree. Donaghy, who's scheduled to give himself up to the feds as early as today or tomorrow, might very well spill the beans about some other scandals, and if this thing explodes any farther, well, the whole league could be looking at the biggest crisis it has ever faced. (And then some, really.)

Some gambling experts who have analyzed the data believe there's 95 percent likelihood that something untoward was going on in Donaghy's games. We fear, if they look even deeper, they may find even more nefariousness, perhaps some that's even worse. This, friends, is far from over.

One Man Out, One League In Trouble [ESPN]
NBA Ref Betting? 95% Proof Of Abnormal Behavior [Webwire]

Holy cow, right? Remember, this is the guy who said if he ran into Simmons on the street, "there would be a problem." (This led to a poll here asking who would win in a fight, Simmons or Isiah? Simmons did surprisingly well.) And now these two finally meet each other ... in Vegas! It's time for some Joey Porter-Levi Jones action.

Tell us what happened, Bill! We've been waiting; give us the whole scoop!

Minutes later, Gus [Johnson] waved me over and introduced me to Isiah, who was quite gracious and gave me 30 minutes. I explained my side, he explained his, and that was that. Maybe the details don't matter as much as the story itself: Gus Johnson brokering peace talks between me and Isiah Thomas at a topless pool in Vegas.

Honestly, I'd tell you more, but you know the old saying ...

Sorry, Bill: The details matter! We remain an admirer of The Sports Feller, but we think this might be part of the reason people feel he doesn't speak for real fans as much as he used to: The guy meets with Isiah Thomas — introduced by Gus Johnson! — and keeps the details private. Jeez, that sounds like something one of those stodgy, corrupt, you-scratch-my-back-I'll-scratch-yours print columnists would do.

Nothing Tops Vegas And Hoops [ESPN]
Isiah Wins, But It's Closer Than You Think [Deadspin]

(Full Disclosure: We once met Woody Paige — pre-ass-pinching — at a bar. The conversation went like this:

We also once had a cup of coffee with Simmons and found him quite friendly, actually.)

Apparently, there's some sort of Red Sox Nation group, and they have a president, and Bill Simmons "applied" for it and ... jeez, we're just so confused. Anyway, Remy made a big show of ripping up Simmons' application on the air and ripped into him a bit.

Don't be writing in and saying you want to be president because I always wanted to be president of something. You want to be president of one of the greatest nations in the world, Red Sox Nation, you have to represent the people. He's talking about getting free tickets. He's ripping Mike O'Malley. He's ripping my health. I mean, c'mon. The sports guy. There's a lot of sports guys out there, right? Your campaign is officially over. Now he'll rip... what does he write for again?

Remy seemed to be somewhat tongue-in-cheek about the whole thing, but, honestly, Boston baseball politics are too labyrinthine for us to follow. We do like the image of Simmons watching the game in LA last night — with The Dooze! — and sporting an immediate erection at the mention of his name.

RemDawg: Simmons Out of Running for RSN Prez [Boston Dirt Dogs]

(UPDATE: Boston Sports Media explains the situation, and even includes The Sports Feller's letter.)

One last thing: I started working on a book last week and ESPN has been gracious enough to let me cut back on the columns in July and August so I can work on it. Still doing the podcasts every week, still writing the mag column every 2 weeks, leaving the door open for 2-3 more columns for the website, but other than that, I have to start cranking out this book or I'll never write end up writing it.

We hadn't heard anything about any book, and we're curious what the topic is. Another Red Sox book is out — and since he's taking time off, we're assuming he's writing new material and not just adding footnotes — and we doubt he'd have the intestinal fortitude to write about gambling or Vegas or something. We are crossing our fingers it's about the NBA ... but, frankly, who knows? Suggestions?

Sports Guy Chat [ESPN]

For years, everyone's been talking about definitive NBA Draft drinking games, including Simmons himself. Today, Ballhype eliminates the middle man and just creates the Bill Simmons Draft Diary Drinking Game.

The Sports Guy references Curtis Borchardt, Chris Mihm, Chris Kaman, and/or Raef Lafrentz when Spencer Hawes gets picked. Take a drink.
The Sports Guy's dog Dooze does something hilarious which presciently foretells some draft prospect's future. Take a drink.
The Sports Guy ridicules ESPN's choice of "unhip" on-air music while toggling through songs by The Killers and The Bravery in his iTunes library. Take two sips.

Seriously, when you combine this with the actual NBA Draft Drinking Game, there's really no need to be sober for the next week.

The Bill Simmons NBA Draft Diary Drinking Game [Ballhype]

In the more traditional on-air arena, ESPN is mounting a challenge to HBO "Real Sports" with the new series "ESPN Reports," a magazine-style show in which top journalists will tell compelling stories about leading athletes and provide investigative reporting. The news-magazine even has a potential Andy Rooney in popular commentator/columnist Bill Simmons. The show will debut Oct. 16 in prime time.

You ever wonder why, when you're in Vegas, the cocktail waitresses wear black tights? That was our lame hypothetical. We suspect you have others.

ESPN End Runs Broadcast Upfronts, Touts Importance To Advertisers [Media Daily News]

For years now, Bill Simmons has notched considerable comedic mileage out of the supposed battle between his desire to say what He Really Wants To Say and what ESPN Will Allow Him To Say. There'd been enough supposed friction there that many wondered, when his contract with the network ran out at the end of March, if he would finally jump ship and unleash his shackles.

Nope. From today's Sports Business Journal:

ESPN.com has re-signed columnist Bill Simmons in a four-year extension through 2010. As part of the deal, Simmons "will help develop shows" for EOE.

We congratulate Simmons on the new deal; it's difficult to argue he hasn't earned it, and we will enjoy reading him for the next four years. (Really.) But we hope he will please spare us the "ESPN won't let me be ME!" and "I'm being electrocuted by ESPN editors right now!" references from now on. We didn't believe them then, and we really won't believe them now. Cool?

Sports Business Journal

(UPDATE: From the story:

"He's always brimming with ideas for TV," said John Walsh, ESPN's executive vice president and executive editor. "Projects will pop up from time to time, and Bill will latch on to them." Those projects will include documentaries, entertainment-oriented shows and programming centered on fantasy sports.

Simmons is interested in developing sports documentaries, calling it "crazy that we've conceded sports documentaries to HBO." He has no plans to work on scripted shows, saying that ESPN has "too much of a conflict of interest because we have a deal with every league."

Simmons said he never seriously entertained leaving. "I didn't want to leave," he said. "I didn't shop myself around.")

As many of you noticed yesterday, our friends at ESPN.com have discontinued ESPN Conversation on its Page 2 columns. They're calling it the end of the "Beta" testing, though we're not sure how much sense that makes: Why would you test something on the most easily-commented upon stories just to push it off to the "news stories" section when you're actually "ready" to launch? What's fun about commenting on news stories?

We can't help but think Bill Simmons had something to do with this. The only column he ever wrote that had comments was this infamous one; after that unfortunate bombardment — in which most just considered Simmons the guy who got caught in the crossfire — there have been no comments on any Simmons story. We can't imagine he was pleased with that, particularly while he was on the road in Miami. We understand the sentiment, but commenting on"headline" news stories, and commenting on articles by ESPN personalities, are two radically different things. It's hard to have a conversation with a wire story.

All-Star Diamond In The Emerald City [ESPN]
The Day ESPN.com Stood Still [Deadspin]

ESPNU plans to announce Monday that Bill Simmons, the popular "Sports Guy" columnist for ESPN.com and ESPN The Magazine, will appear as a guest commentator on two men's basketball games Jan. 15 and Jan. 22, ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz says.

The games themselves haven't been announced, but according to ESPN's Web site, ESPNU will be showing the following games on January 15:

• Southern Intercollegiate Athletic Conference Basketball: Tuskegee vs. Stillman
• Women's College Basketball: Tulane vs. SMU
• Women's College Basketball: Coppin State vs. Hampton
• Mideastern Athletic Conference Basketball: Mississippi Valley State vs. Southern
• West Coast Conference Basketball: San Francisco vs. Pepperdine

Because of geography, we think it's pretty likely Simmons is doing the San Fran-Pepperdine game ... but man, we'd enjoy watching him call a women's game, we think.

Now, all we have to do is find someone on earth who has ESPNU.

Bill Simmons To Announce Hoops [Awful Announcing]

This is all amusing enough, but the most hilarious part is, without question, the league message board, in which trades are offered, questions are asked and trash is talked. Well, by Simmons, anyway, who (admirably, we think) takes the league seriously enough to treat it like he would one with buddies back in Boston. Unfortunately, he's talking to Bernie Mac and George Lopez. And there's not much more amusing and surreal than asking Dean Cain if he'll trade you Andrew Bogut (he did, for Jarrett Jack).

Simmons even complains about the league's rules:

All the crappy teams get to cherry-pick the best free agents each week and the teams that actually picked good teams and have been winning don't get to improve. Next year I'm pulling a Bernie Mac and tanking the first 2 weeks so I can pick up Andres Biedrins on my team. Oh, wait, Bernie didn't intentionally tank the first 2 weeks? I'm sorry... my bad.

And Bernie responds! We kind of think this message board could be fun all year.

Celebrity Fantasy League [NBA.com]

So, as you'd expect, Whitlock is spraying some bullets on the way out the door, with these choice tidbits from an interview with The Big Lead. Some highlights.

• On Scoop Jackson: There's a big dropoff from being associated with Ralph [Wiley], Hunter [S. Thompson] and Bill [Simmons] than being linked to someone doing a bad Nat X impersonation. It pissed me off that the dude tried to call himself the next Ralph Wiley and stated some [shit] about carrying Ralph's legacy. ... Ralph was a grown-ass man who didn't bojangle for anybody. Scoop is a clown. And the publishing of his fake ghetto posturing is an insult to black intelligence, and it interferes with intelligent discussion of important racial issues. Scoop showed up on the scene and all of a sudden I'm getting e-mails from readers connecting what I write to Scoop. And his stuff is being presented like grown folks should take it seriously.

• On Mike Lupica: Lupica is an insecure, mean-spirited busybody. ... The Little Fella probably won't let the producer (Joe Valerio) have me back on ["The Sports Reporters"] again. That's cool. They're mostly upset that I wouldn't participate in their Barry Bonds witch hunt and help them single Bonds out as the creator of steroids. Lupica doesn't like to be disagreed with, and he's spoken so abusively to that producer for years that the producer probably doesn't realize people are allowed to disagree with Lupica. I enjoyed my time on the show. But if the price of admission is stepping to Lupica's drum, I'm more than happy to go without.

Man, we can't wait until Simmons leaves.

Oh Damn, Did Whitlock Really Say That? A Q&A With Jason Whitlock [The Big Lead]
That's All For Whitlock At Page 2 [Deadspin]

Anyway, apparently in this week's "Cheap Seats" — we didn't watch it, naturally — the Sklar brothers slipped in a dig at Simmons, posting his picture and alerting other ESPN employees "not to lend tapes to his person." An understated, kind of limp joke, but the photo still they chose has to make it worthwhile.

Cheap Seats, Cheap Shots [En-Dash]
So Are The Sklar Brothers Funny, Or Not? [Deadspin]

Well, Bill Simmons made his appearance on "The Colbert Report," and, as you'd probably expect, those who can stay up that late are talking about it today. Some are pointing out that he finally confirmed that Red Sox fans are happier when they're miserable, a viewpoint he had disparaged for years; some liked his plan for 18-year-olds to play for USA Basketball, even though we thought that sounded suspiciously — no, exactly — like the plan espoused in Chuck Klosterman's column last week; and some, former ESPN employees, were actually live blogging the thing. And we've got the video. Sheesh. We are starting to feel vaguely overselling.

Anyway, we thought Simmons was fine: "The Colbert Report" seems like an incredibly difficult show to be a guest on, since your main job is to be straight man to the host, the exact opposite of the typical talk show. We think it's probably most telling that Simmons was never sold as an "Internet" writer; where he did his writing just never came up, because it didn't matter. That seems like a good thing to us.

Anyway, because Colbert himself is so compelling, we often forget the show has guests too ... but not next week. Because, according to Colbert Nation, the official/unofficial/official site for the show, next week's guests will include Martin Short, Ken Jennings, Toby Keith and ... Bill Simmons!

We're not sure which day it is next week — when new episodes begin airing again — but we are full expecting Simmons and Colbert to get together to put Isiah Thomas on notice. Also, a bunch of people on reality shows we've never heard of. Oh, and something involving the Eastern Seaboard.

Colbert Nation [Official Site]

(UPDATE: Looks like he'll be on Thursday, September 14.)