I'm pretty sure that anyone who worked for CBS Sports during the 2004 Super Bowl is either dead, retired, or already in jail for far greater crimes, yet somehow the network, the government, the Third Circuit Court of Appeals, the Supreme Court, the U.N. Security Council, and the Galactic Senate continue to fight it out. Even Fox is somehow involved and they weren't even showing the game. This is officially the dumbest legal fight of all time and it's pretty much guaranteed to never end.

CBS was fined $500,000, the Third Circuit said that was nonsense, the Supremes said, "nuh-uh" and the FCC is mad because the network had the magical "seven second delay" technology, yet didn't anticipate that a former Mouseketeer could be so randy. The horror. I don't even remember who played in that game—I want to say the Bills?—let alone what Janet Jackson's breast looks like, so perhaps the national scars have healed enough that we can fire all these lawyers and get on with our lives.

FCC To Further Investigate Janet Jackson Super Bowl Reveal [Broadcasting & Cable, via Gawker]

Whilst browsing the Yankees' girlfriends forum today (what? I do that every day), I got all lost among the Ambers and the Ashleys. (Man. How can you not enjoy the comments there: "I think thats really nice that the wives are so involved with there husbands sport and the other wives.It's nice to see there not stuck up because there rich :)" It's like Deadspin, but literate!)

But baseball isn't even the problem. Tony Romo (HE PLAYS HOCKEY RIGHT?) is seriously not helping with the entrashening of America, since he's dating this 22-year-old actor's sister, after breaking up with Jessica Simpson. Her Twitter bio: "Tears may be dried up, but the heart - never." OK! DEEP.

The whole Tila Tequila-Shawne Merriman situation—last night pictures of her bruised-up business were released on the Internet—is just nasty. For starters it means there are pictures of Tila Tequila.

Obviously the best U.S. WAG is long-time Jason Kidd-doer and Playmate Hope Dworaczyk. If you are not following her Twitter, you are missing out, and probably having a decent life. It is like reading the dictionary, after it has been chewed-up by a 5-year-old.

Also here is a delightful Wikipedia defacement on Danielle Gamba, who is Yankee pitcher (editor's note: HA) Nick Swisher's ex. (Apparently he is now dating some chick from "Reba," which airs on Lifetime, which you have seen, if you are a TOTAL FAG.)

Well, we all have to make a living, and pay for implants, somehow. Screwing football players is just one kind of decent job. How does it happen? Oh yes:

Last July, while the Sox were in Anaheim, Calif., to play the Angels, Buchholz attended an "Affliction'' mixed martial arts card with teammates Craig Hansen, Manny Delcarmen, and Sean Casey. Between fights, they spotted Donald Trump, one of the organizers, and introduced themselves.

Afterward, while they mingled, Trump returned with a woman.

"Hey, Clay, I want to introduce somebody,'' he said. "This is Lindsay. She's single.''

"He sort of threw her at me,'' Buchholz recalled. "I was like, ‘All right.' ''

That's how Buchholz met Lindsay Clubine, a model who once opened briefcases on "Deal or No Deal'' - she was No. 26 - and now hosts a travel show.

It is all Trump's fault.

Still, why not, because, what the hell, it's 9/11 and we should all be having as much fun as we can before the next 9/11. Let's eat some pizza and get our tops off and stuff.

But.... I'm not so sure I would feel great if I were Andy Roddick and my ladyfriend was like, "Yes, I will go tits-out in GQ. I mean, sure, she has been putting it out there in SI for a while ("a while" being years and years, even though she is only 22), but sooner or later I'd be like, "You know, hon, I make plenty of money, why don't we keep the girls inside for a while?" Or maybe straight men are different? After all we are mammals. Maybe for straight guys, it's like, "DUDE, LOOK AT WHAT I SHOWER WITH." Can this be esplained to me please.

At times, it can be a manic, brilliantly disgusting voice, but definitely better than many of the ape-fisted hacks that currently make up your mainstream media sports writing community. Your first special guest editor tomorrow is a woman some of you might be familiar with: Moe Tkacik. Yes, one of the original Jezebel-cum-Gawker-cum-unemployed writers is bored enough (and masochistic enough) that she volunteered to spend a Saturday with you maniacs. What does she know about sports? Well she did have an odd obsession with the 2002 Sacramento Kings. Okay!

So she will be on tips tomorrow, but she also requests that you, genius commenters, supply her with any and all updates about what's going on in the sports world. Give her positive reinforcement at all times. Please don't send her pictures of your genitalia or dead animals. That's not nice. Email her here. Plus! The presence of Moe should mean that some of the delightful Jezebel commenting community could pop by. What could possibly go wrong?

I hope this goes as well as the other time a special guest editor posted on Deadspin. Yeesh.

And, so you know, there are more of these coming. Quite a few people — many you know, and love to hate — have expressed interest in participating. I will keep you updated.

Do the best you can.

My friend John Gonzalez, the Philadelphia Inquirer's first Mexicanish sports writer, actually entourage'd this year at the 17th annual WIP Wing Bowl in Philadelphia. Gonz was the cut man for his buddy, Wax, whose clever wing-eating moniker was "Gluteus Waximus."

He shared some of these tidbits from his lonnnng day in the hot sauce-soaked pit of death.

• Waximus finished 8th, even though Morganti put his odds at 50/1. He ate 79 in the first 14 minutes.

• One guy named "Obi Wing" made the final 10. Crazy dude who carries a light saber with him everywhere — in real life, not just in the competition. Seriously, he goes down the shore with it. The Sea Isle lifeguards can't stand him. He qualified by eating a whole pineapple, including the hard-ass shell. Completely off his nut. In the second round, he was the first to puke.

•....Which was awesome, because he was next to Wax. At which point Wax stood up and called it quits. He didn't want to eat wings with vomit all around him. Pussy.

• The guys who won best entourage built a mini-Spectrum and towed it into the arena with a golf cart they made up to look like a Zamboni. They won a trip for 12. Fuckers.

• Our Wingette was ridiculously hot. We got lucky. Some of the others were rough looking. High hair. Completely Emaciated. Yellowed Teeth. It was like a White Snake concert in there. But people still screamed "show us your tits." It was not a choosy crowd.

Wing Bowl!

Anyway, fun week this week. Here's some stuff that went kaplooey:

• Second-to-last Jamboroo of the year

• Little diddy about Kurtis The Stockboy

• Cowboys From Hell

• Jason Whitlock has a lap that sprawls for miles

Tomorrow I'm going to try to drag my buzzsaw'd ass out of bed at a reasonable hour and do some blogging for you people. Sunday is Dash followed by Matt Sussman's Super Bowl Live Blog Explosion, featuring Fergie, Mos Def, Barbara Mandrell, Overkill, Hot Hot Heat, and,very special guest, Lainie Kazan. Be sure to bring your 3-D glasses and your Spuds McKenzie party packs.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin.

Photos: Philly.com and Comcast.net

But as Busted Coverage points out, you can have the photographer's job. I want to be the painter.

Here's the Flickr page. Enjoy.

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Photos You Haven't Seen [Busted Coverage]

The teacher, 47, claimed that she had only revealed her breasts in reaction to the boy's provocative doodles and that there was nothing sexual about the act.

As you've probably guessed, this story is from Sweden. And I can only imagine that it's even funnier when read in its original language. Hmm, let's see.

Läraren , 47, fordrat så pass hon har bara avslöja henne brösten i reaktionen till boy's utmanande doodles och så pass där var ingenting sexuell omkring den uppföra.

Yes, I'd say, 14 percent more humorous. I dare not try Chinese.

Teacher Convicted For Flashing Breasts [The Local]

Smith Center forced six turnovers in the first quarter as it racked up what is believed to be a record for points in a quarter by a high school team, the paper reported. The previous record was 66 by Prescott, Ariz., in 1925. The defending state champion has outscored its opponents 640-0 so far this season, including a 69-0 win over Plainville earlier this year.

Of course, this is also the area of the nation that recently gave us this story. Kansas! When did you get interesting?

Prep Football Team Tallies 72-Point Quarter [MSNBC]
45 Straight Wins: Something's Going Right At Smith Center [KSN.com]
Two Pair Not A Winning Hand In Kansas [Deadspin]

It's an idea to raise money for breast cancer awareness, the plan of a pair of high school seniors. Now one of their designs has been banned from their school. Sheahon says, "We thought that would be a great way to market to kids and get them thinking about breast cancer." However, the school disagreed, they were told they couldn't sell them or wear them on campus. "The T-shirt in question included a sexual innuendo that we felt was inappropriate for school, it was not a message we wanted to convey in school," says Salina Central High School Principal Stan Vaughn.

Way to go, Stan! If it wasn't for educators like you, creativity in the name of a good cause would be running rampant in our schools. Now you kids quietly go about your business, mmm-kay?

Thanks to the magical Internets, however, the word is out and Sheahon and Wenthe are selling more shirts than they have had time to mail out. The creative side of the human brain, and breasts, triumph!

(Photo by Jeff Cooper, Salina Journal).

'Save Second Base' T-Shirts Raising Money, Awareness, Eyebrows [49ABC News]
School And Girls React To T-Shirt Ban [KWCH-TV]