"I never dreamed of getting drafted," Yoshida told reporters Monday, a day after she was selected to play for the Kobe 9 Cruise. "I have only just been picked by the team and have not achieved anything," she said. "I want to play as a pro eventually in a higher league."

Yoshida is 5-foot-5, 114 pounds, and says she wants to follow in the footsteps of Red Sox knuckleballer Tim Wakefield, the first time that sentence has been uttered in any language. Of course she reminds me more of Gogo Yubari from Kill Bill.

Schoolgirl Knuckleballer Headed To Japan Pro League [Yahoo News]

Among the wedding guests were Mike Lowell, Dustin Pedroia and David Ortiz. This line from the Boston Globe story threw me at first, until I realized it had something to do with the designer of the wedding dress: "Enza, who briefly dated Ben Affleck back in the day, wore Vera Wang."

A Newton native and former BC student, Sambataro is the CEO of Youk's charity Hits for Kids, which raised $1 million last year for children's charities and medical research programs in New England and Cincinnati. The couple will spend the offseason in Arizona, where Youkilis is again working out at the Athletes Performance Institute. Before then, the bride and groom will host a "Family Feud"-like fund-raiser Nov. 29 at Mohegan Sun.

Have fun, you crazy kids.

Kevin Youkilis Marries Ben Affleck’s Ex [The Big Lead]

The bulk of his rant focused on the stupidity of Boston management vis-a-vis a certain dreadlocked slugger that happened to get traded away this season. Manny Ramirez is his kind of guy, you see, because he plays hard and he wins. So what if he takes a month off every summer and gets a little shove-y with elderly front office guys?

“You pick up the traveling secretary and you dust him off. You don’t say he was a pariah like Schilling said and everything else. He can kiss my ass.”

You really need to watch the whole thing, because there's so much more. Bill's ex-wives, Boston's racism, the history of idiotic Sox management—everyone gets a well-placed zinger sent their way and you can just see the delight on the reporters' faces as they realize for the first time what it's like talk to someone in sports who doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks, especially Curt Schilling. But you better care what Bill thinks, because he's always right.

[Some naughty language ahead, but with beeps.]

Spaceman" defends Manny at Red Sox Hall ceremony [NECN]
See also: I Think Bill Lee Likes Manny [Boston Score] + Spaceman Lee Sounds Off [My Fox Boston]

As you can see, she didn't even make it over the wall, as she is nabbed rather effortlessly by security. Then, for some reason, she raises her arms in triumph as if she's Drew Barrymore in Fever Pitch. No, you were more like Drew Carey, my dear.

Would-be Streaker At Fenway Park — Epic Fail [Home Run Derby]

The New York Daily News details how Joba apparently spent most of the night drinking Grey Goose vodka at Dillinger's, a downtown bar, before then hitting the Night Before Lounge, a strip club. That's where he was harassed by at least one Red Sox fan, who got in this zinger, which apparently sent Joba over the edge: "If you played for the Red Sox, you wouldn't be sitting here!" (This was during the ALCS). Chamberlain got into a shouting match with the man, and one of Chamberlain's friends started shoving the Red Sox fan.

Once order was restored, Chamberlain and his five friends stared at the gyrating dancers for nearly 90 minutes before leaving just after midnight. Chamberlain paid the $145 tab and left a $100 tip at the club, where the cover charge is $3, the manager said.

Kat, a regular dancer at the joint, said she didn't even know there was a Yankee in her midst and took no notice of the beef. "I don't pay attention to altercations — unless I start them," said the blond, who took the stage last night in striped prison garb that she seductively shed.

That's some mighty fine reportin' there, Daily News. The Night Before Lounge indeed sounds like a classy joint, and it's no wonder Joba ended up there. Consider this excerpt from a strip club review from the Daily Nebraskan:

Wade: I was very impressed with the Night Before Lounge. The prices for beer were a bit steep, but worth it for the atmosphere and quality performances from the dancers, who were the best I saw that night. They moved sensually and acrobatically from pole to pole, from horizontal to vertical to upside down. The Night Before is a great place for a guys night out: you can't go wrong with beer, football and beautiful women.

Well, apparently you can go a little wrong.

Joba Jawed With Red Sox Fan At Nudie Bar Before He Got Busted [New York Daily News]
The Night Before Lounge

Dickie V: Shameless To The Very End [Rush The Court]
As If You Needed Another Reason ... [Somewhat Opinionated]

• More Cowbell (UGH!). Boy oh boy is it going to be a long winter for yours truly. As if watching your team lose in Game 7 of the ALCS isn’t bad enough, how about living in the area of the team that knocked off your club? If you think that kinda sucks, you’d be dead on. And if that isn’t bad enough, what about having to shave an idiotic landing strip into your skull because of a bet you lost to a fellow writer/fan of the other team? [Bugs And Cranks]

• World Series Here We Come. The coldest story was to be told tonight. The Rays were done. History was against them, but history doesn't play baseball. This team has shown again and again how true that is. This was freaking amazing series and frankly you couldn't ask for more emotion and drama. Four more wins. That's all we need. Four more wins. I GOT NOTHING BUT FIDDLE CATS. [DRays Bay]

• Tears Telling Of Tek's Future. Dress it up however you’d like — Jason Varitek knows what is happening. His offense has diminished greatly. And now that he is set to become a free agent after the Rayhawks win the World Series, Tek may not be returning. You can hear it in his voice, you can see it in his eyes. When asked whether or not Game 7 of the ALCS was his last in a Red Sox uniform… well, you can see it for yourself. It’s only a 20 second clip: [The Boston Score]

• ESPN Featured Comment Of The Week, Special Edition. "Everyone waiting for the other shoe to drop on the Rays season, please pick up the first shoe." — Kagney13

• Why Are You Always Picking On Me?. Yesterday, I chronicled Dennis Eckersley’s whipping boy status during the TBS broadcasts of the ALCS. Well during the final broadcast for TBS after Game 7 of the ALCS, Eck was still not immune to any good natured ribbing as the fellas in the truck got him one more time. [Sox & Dawgs]

• The Question Facing Red Sox Fans Now Is ... Most glaring of all, Philadelphia needs this win for it's sporting fan base. The Rays? Let's just say they haven't exactly earned this as yet. That shiny new team merchandise you saw those 15 year old kids and 70 year old Grandparents wearing at 'the Trop' (can you believe they are going to hold series games at that monstrosity?) will be on show again. Endless shots of spotty faced Tampa teens sporting brand new Rays caps with the silver MLB merchandise label still shining bright on them, yeah that's a fan base alright. [Boston Irish]

• Tampa Bay Rays: 2008 AL Champs. For the 99.2% of Red Sox Nation that are actually good sports and classy. Well done. Great series. It means so much to dethrone such a great organization. It means so much that we took down the best. We are sure you guys will be back next season and it won't be any easier. For the other portion of the Pink Hat Nation that lacks class, we present a gift for you ... [Rays Index]

• Take Me Down. Six Underground. Oh and as for the World Series, I'm throwing my support behind the Phillies. The Rays are truly the story of the year—somewhere, Elijah Dukes is crying in his oatmeal—but I just can't root for a team from the AL East that ain't us. So here's hoping the Phils give the Rays some unholy hell. Especially that punk-ass Carl Crawford, who you know is just an injury away from boosting car stereos. [Surviving Grady]

• The Cowbell Kid Is Eating His Words Already. Good lord, he's back this morning with more. I'm surprised no animals were sacrificed in the making of this video. [Red Sox Monster]

• The Green Fields Of The Mind. By A. Bartlett Giamatti (abridged & told by baseball cards). [The Baseball Card Blog]

* * *

Top 9th

1 3

11:46 — Now Sager can go back and finish his fireside chat with LaMar. But he'll settle for David Price. Not asked: "how do you throw that fast?" and "what weighs more: the entire team jumping on you, or YOUR MOM?"

M'kay. I'm done. Look at this website when the Rays-Phillies [shiver] ratchets up Wednesday night. And whether you're a Tampa native or a Bostonian, we can all agree that the nation wins because Frank TV ads have kicked the proverbial bucket. Good night, Internet!

11:44 — B.J. Upton gets interviewed by Craig Sager while wearing a championship hat in the least fashionable way possible.

11:40 — Jed Lowrie finished the ALDS with a ground ball to the right side. He finishes the ALCS off almost the same way, but the opposite. The ball gets snurfed up by Iwamura, who handles the forceout himself. Ballgame over. Red Sox season over. So I've been meaning to ask this question for all of four seconds now: why is the team that signed Greg Vaughn all those years ago going to the World Series? I may never get over that.

11:38 — Jason Varitek does what the other guy did, which is strike out. And maybe he no longer plays for Boston because the rumors will be too much for him that he'll accidentally sign with Kansas City. Good luck!

11:36 — I always wondered if a spider knows that an apartment dweller notices him for about five minutes before he gets squished. On a related note, David Price demolishes Mark Kotsay on a 2-2 fastball on the outside hemisphere of the strike zone.

11:34 — Leadoff walks are good, right? Well, Jason Bay has himself one.

11:31 — Price remains pitching, and his first one to Jason Bay? Down the middle, 95 mph. Kwalité beginning. Two pitches later he puts Bay to the dirt with an inside fastball. God loves a fast wild-throwing rookie pitcher who doesn't know just how big this moment is for him. Or maybe that's just sportswriters. I get the two confused, what with Bill Plaschke's heavenly celestial stubble.

Commercial Break

October Gonzo reminds us AT THIS POINT IN THE GAME that this month is very important to the sport of baseball. Good information!

Bottom 8th

1 3

11:28 — All the interesting things happened in the other part of the inning. Hope you're fine with Tampa Bay going down submissively in this part of the inning to the arm of Hideki Okajima. Thank you in advance for understanding. But it looks like David Price will remain chucking ninetysomethings to the catcher to aim for the four-out save.

11:24 — Ahhh, that was fun. Oh, wait, there's still a game going on?

Back To the 8th

11:19 — Sweet buttery fuck. You can just hear Dioner Navarro channeling his inner Jake Taylor after those first two blazin' strikes. "Well, shit, all these pitches choose from. Maybe we'll try somethin' different this time." J.D. Drew leaves the men on base with a rather emasculating strikeout.

11:18 — The Tampan response to Joba Chamberlain (but without the booze), David Price, will try and get the second out.

Commercial Break

There's not at all a racial element to this Axe commercial with the chocolate man being adored and smooched by all those pretty girls. But one thing's for sure. Ken Rosenthal thinks he won't sign with Boston anytime soon.

Top 8th

11:15 — After digging out of a 3-0 hole, Bradford's riseball lands inside for the walk to load the bases. Now Bradford's done.

11:14 — Everything's inside for a ball, Chad. Might want to try standing juuust a couple inches to the left. Alternate suggestion: throw the damn ball like a man.

11:12 — Chad Bradford will stand on the mound instead of Howell now.

11:09 — After the baseball equivalent of a Catholic wedding, Ortiz stops fouling off pitches and just grounds into a forceout. It would've been bases loaded and one out had Crisp actually slid toward the bag, instead of an arbitrary point on the side of the infield where a hallucinatory candy bar was lying. Damn those Floridians and their magic Whatchamacalit holograms!

11:04 — If any doctors are watching this game in HD, please note the curious-shaped wart on the left side of Joe Maddon's neck. There's money to be had in that co-pay.

11:03 — J.P. Howell, known to his wife as Thurston, will be the lefty to face David Ortiz.

11:02 — If you wanted to see more of Wheeler's pitching shenanigans, you'll have to wait until either Wednesday or next April.

11:01 — Remember that basement? Well, Pedroia's fly ball would have bore a hole in the ceiling, gone through his dad's Persian rug, his mom's leather purse, his dog's water dish, and really caused some chaos in the Pedroia household. He'd have been grounded. But now he's a big boy, and he just makes an out without advancing any runners.

10:59 — Mmm. Crispy. Coco's single begins the rally. But don't worry, Rays fans! All you have coming up next are Pedroia, Ortiz, and Bay! None of them are known for their hitting accolades!

10:57 — Wheeler enjoys shaking his mitt like he's at the craps table. Which, if we get the Game 5 Wheeler, will be exactly what he does in the crucial 8th.

10:55 — Dan Wheeler is now on the mound. Ron Darling asks if we'll see the Dan Wheeler from Game 2, or the one from Game 5? He recklessly rules out the Wheeler from Captain Planet.

10:52 — Cora's ground ball in-dispenses between Jason Bartlett's legs. That'll end Garza's night of settling.

10:51 — Garza's at 116 pitches, and he's still in there firing away. So, I guess we won't be seeing him pitching in the World Series regardless.

10:51 — Gabe Gross, please replace Rocco Baldelli in right fi... oh, you already did. Well then.

Bottom 7th

1 3

10:48 — Bartlett flies out to center, so I think we can stop talking about the seventh now. It's over. Stop livin' in the past.

10:46 — Baldelli runs away from the mess he made at home plate by striking out, but they force him out regardless. Another suspect off the basepaths.

10:44 — Navarro helps Lester settle back into ... into, um, something, with a flyout to right.

10:39 — Lester has a lot of settlin' in to do. Oh, just kidding ... Willy Aybar borrowed Matt Stairs' mythical fat dude power for one solo home run to left field. Hey, Chip, do you think he hit that so far it went to Tampa? [snort]

Seventh Inning Stretch Entertainment

As is the case with any Weebl's video production, watching their Flash video on a loop (when you're drunk/stoned/lonely) is the most effective method.

Top 7th

10:35 — We got a great big cowbell ♬ ain't she a beautiful sight? (Actually, it's quite annoying. Stop that.) Captain Varitek affects the game by stranding two batters on a strikeout.

10:33 — All Kotsay could do was move Drew up one (1) base with a sac fly to right. Attractive wife is satiated.

10:31 — Joe Maddon came out to tell Matt Garza that Dick Vitale is in the stands, so not to worry, because even if you blow it, he'll still think you're a superb P-T-P pitcher with the E-R-A that's A-O-K in his book, baby.

10:28 — This is probably the opposite of being settled in. A walk to Drew and a hit by Bay quickly demotes Garza from "Settled In" to "Slightly Jittery But Still Within Arms Reach Of Settled." (Note: These are all technical baseball terms, which is why most of you have not heard of them.)

10:26 — Garza will try and increase from Very Settled In all the way to Diamond VIP Übersettled In, and Youkilis pops up. That'll help.

Bottom 6th

1 2

10:22 — Crawford's fly ball ends the inning, and ratches up the "settling of in." Dick Vitale's mood has been downgraded from Cocaine Metamucil to Caffeinated Fixodent.

10:20 — In response to Garza's settling in, Jon Lester will try and raise the bar to SuperDouble Settled In. Speedy outs by Peña and Longoria help him reach his goal.

Commercial Break

If Brooke Shields' parents hadn't wanted to by a Volkswagen car, we might have have avoided this series of mind-numbing Routan commercials.

Top 6th

10:14 — The line between David Ortiz and Mo Vaughn is starting to blur in this game. Ortiz feels the gaseous wrath of a high fastball, and Pedroia's aortic energy can't outrun Navarro's throw to second on the stolen base. Good thing I don't place bets on a whim, else I'd have been out money thinking that Boston was going to tie it up in this inning. Seriously, when Tampa had a one-run deficit, you didn't see them climbing that hill. But a one-run lead in this game for Boston, you expect it to be equalized the moment someone reaches base. I have no idea where this feeling is coming from. But just to be sure, have Craig Sager stay the hell away from Chuck LaMar.

10:12 — What a circulatory performance. Maybe Pedroia should be the grant marshal for next year's Boston Heart Walk.

10:10 — Pedroia keeps lunging at these pitches with all his widdle might, fighting them off like Rudy getting his ass tackled by bigger, stronger, more capable men. In summary: heart.

10:08 — So when Fox uses a blue comet to track a hockey puck, it's frowned upon. When TBS uses it to replay a pitch in relation to their computerized strike zone, it's lauded as brilliant TV. Good to know for when I launch my 24-hour curling cable news network and have to make important executive decisions on bluecometry.

10:05 — Coco Crisp just got underhand throw'ned.

10:03 — Driving the point home, Garza has indeed settled in. The game is no longer baseball. It's a settle-off. You know the rules.

Bottom 5th

1 2

9:59 — Footage of Upton's home run off Lester in Game 3! Bring us back to now, when Upton hits a home run if he was in a petting zoo, and only a really underfunded one at that. The liner falls harmlessly into Cora's glove, and Lester escapes with just one run added to his stat column.

9:57 — Iwamura's ground ball travels about 2.18 Pedroias in length, but that's just as good as a bunt, and with two men in scoring position there's a two-out RBI chance for B.J. Upton.

9:56 — "Momentum" may have "shifted," as Chip Caray notes, but if this is ALL the Rays get this inning, it's a pendulum that goes back to Boston's dugout. Bartlett indispensably goes down on strikes.

9:53 — Rocco Baldelli gets a base hit almost where Navarro's infieldt hit was, only it squeaks through. Aybar rounds and scores. Camera spot on Dick Vitale having either a seizure or celebrating the Rays 2-1 lead. It's really a toss-up at this point, but weigh better odds on the latter if someone told Vitale that the Rays are being guest-managed by Mike Krzyzewski.

9:51 — It's an infield hit by a catcher. Which is just as good as an intentional walk. Or an intentional hit by pitch. Or a dropsied pop fly. They're all acceptable.

9:47 — Willy Aybar digs out a double with his magic stick of wood. He also pulled out a plum, but tossed it aside since nursery rhyme allusions don't help win ball games. But the leadoff double helped.

Top 5th

9:42 — Now Matt Garza is "settled in," not to be confused with how I've been settled into my couch for the last three days doing absolutely jack shit. Because it might seem like Garza and I have the same levels of athletic talent. Garza gets through the inning untouched. HE HAS A PERFECT GAME THROUGH SINCE THE LAST TIME HE LET SOMEONE GET ON BASE.

Commercial Break

When the Venetians arrive to this planet, in 2018, go back in time, and look at the commercials aired during the ALCS, they'll think that all baseball fans can't get natural erections or piss properly on their own. They'll also think that Frank Caliendo is this generation's Jack Benny, once they are informed by our ambassador who that was.

Bottom 4th

1 1

9:35 — Crawford won't be running to first after all. A leisurely walk back to the dugout to retrieve his mitt will suffice.

9:34 — It was nice of Youkilis to test the green wall's consistency in foul territory by sliding into it, but unfortunately the great diving play was thwarted by the fact that the ball didn't land anywhere near him.

9:32 — When Longoria gets an RBI, the Rays tend to win. PRESSURE ON THE ROOKIE. But the pressure worked, as Longoria's double scoots down into the right field corner and Carlos Peña does his best Sid Bream impression seven innings too early, tying up the game.

9:29 — The shoulda-had-a-V8 ground ball isn't strong enough to start a double play, but Iwamura gets punched out at second.

9:28 — Chip notes how "there would be bedlam in St. Pete" if Peña were to hit a home run here. Isn't the problem the last 2½ games that they keep trying to hit home runs instead of just trying to reach base?

9:26 — Upton can forget about breaking up another no-hitter. He'll just strike out instead.

9:24 — Eye of newt! That's what the jinx was missing. The final ingredient finally dropped into the stew, and Iwamura's single breaks the perfect no-hitter.

9:23 — We now return you to Jon Lester's potential perfect game, already in progress, starring TBS's Chip, Ron, and Buck as the three witches from Hocus Pocus.

Top 4th

9:20 — Garza strikes out Bay, and saunters back to the dugout like he just won a Golden Tee tournament at the local bar.

9:18 — JD Drew, popping up to somewhere besides second base? Forget it!

9:17 — Longoria tried his darndest to errantly throw to first, but Peña quashes the effort with the scoop, getting Youkilis the hell out of there.

Bottom 3rd

1 0

9:11 — He's still mentioning it after every at bat. Bartlett pops up, and that's ... NINE IN A ROW!

9:10 — Rocco Baldelli v. Jon Lester. It's a disease-off. Remission Showdown. Winner gets to turn their story into a Lifetime movie. And the winner ... Lester, who strikes Baldelli out looking.

9:09 — Dioner Navarro doesn't come close to that fastball. He's settled in. He's retired seven straight. Chip Caray is throwing every morsel of jinxdom and hexdom he can find in the press box down to the pitcher's mound. Nothing's working.

9:06 — It's the first time any pitcher has gone perfect through two innings this series. Watch your back, Don Larsen!

Top 3rd

9:03 — Garza won't let a little thing like Pedroia stealing second, a move which anthropologists agree helped advance ancient groundhog societies by 53 percent, stop him from striking out David Ortiz, which apparently you can do again this postseason.

8:59 — Pedroia gets plunked right on his heart. Because he wears it on his sleeve, you see. That's the joke. He's not even going to show that he's hurt. He's lying about his pain. THAT'S WHY HE'S A GREAT PLAYER. (Or, hey, maybe it stung just as much as any other fastball to the delts.)

8:59 — Dustin Pedroia's maternal grandfather was a groundhog, right?

8:57 — Crisp was left out in the pantry, became all stale and mushy, and struck out.

8:54 — Nice try, Alex Cora. A Sarah-Plain-And-Tall fly ball to left is all the No. 9 hitter could muster.

Bottom 2nd

1 0

8:49 — HE STILL HAS A PERFECT GAME!! Lester causes Willy Aybar to ground to Youkilis.

8:48 — Eh, I wasn't interested in Carl Crawford making contact anyway.

8:46 — Tampa's not happy with a high 3-0 pitch ruled a strike, and Evan Longoria responds in protest by grounding out to short. That'll show 'em!

Commercial Break

The BlackBerry Storm. Brought to you by David Chase.

Top 2nd

8:42 — IMPACT strikeout.

8:41 — Jason Varitek's free agency rumors? Why, let's square that one down.

8:39 — As noted by Buck Martinez and Jason Varitek, the catcher can go hitless (phew!) and still make an impact. Maybe I should have gone into the business as a catching shortstop.

8:37 — That's why they pay Jason Bartlett the big ... uh, er, patonthebacks. Mark Kotsay's scorching line-drive/ground ball hybrid up the middle gets snarfed up by Bartlett.

8:36 — Jason Bay gets a lot of two-out RBI. So with one out and nobody on base, surely that means that he'll do absolutely nothing. Well, he did barely swing at strike three. I guess that counts. Garza's earplugs are finally out, which means he can finally hear Ron Darling talk about him.

Commercial Break

It's bad enough we have to endure these political ads. But we also have to endure local political ads, causing me to ask the obvious question: "wait, which one's the incumbent?"

Bottom 1st

1 0

8:31 — There was a time when the Tigers acquired Carlos Peña and Jeremy Bonderman in the same trade. Aren't we glad they kept the right one! Hahaha! [stabs wall with butter knife] Jon Lester keeps the perfect game intact by striking him out.

8:26 — BJ Upton is one home run shy of the single-postseason record of eight, held by Barry Bonds and Carlos Beltran. They share the record every other week, because, well, it's not like they have any rings to admire. Upton now has 7½ home runs this postseason, because his opposite field shot lands safely in the glove of JD Drew.

8:24 — Akinori Iwamura? Cut. DOWN.

8:23 — Here's Lester's TBS© scouting report: "Extra Days Rest," "Cut Fastball," "Game 7." Based on that, he's pitching tonight and he throws at least one kind of pitch. Use at your own discretion, Willy Aybar!

Top 1st

8:19 — JD Drew and I have something in common. He struck out while everyone was looking, then tried to run away from it crying. What?

8:16 — There appears to be an entire clan of second baseman living in Kevin Youkilis's beard. That's why he was so late on that swing, but it almost landed in the right field warning dirt. Rocco Baldelli jettisoned enough of that "mysterious illness" to catch the slicing fly ball, and Ortiz "runs" back to first to avoid the double-up.

8:15 — David Ortiz, inspired by Dustin Pedroia's combination of heart and pancreas, takes a ball four.

8:11 — Dustin Pedroia practiced hitting home runs in his basement, where the ceiling was ten feet high. That's why the home run never went above that threshold, and Boston takes the quick lead.

8:10 — Garza's rocking the earplugs for the game. Good thing he doesn't play a sport in which communication was inspired by mimes and vaudeville. Coco Crisp's leadoff bunt sacrificed the Shadow Man on first to second. One out.

Pregame

8:08 — And the Sager coat watch has been decreased to: striped gray. Weak, weak, weak selection.

8:07 — Matt Garza's scouting report is limited to three words per bullet point. Fun fact: The Orioles actually use the TV scouting reports and nothing else to prepare for baseball games.

8:03 — Sign in Tampa: RAYS + TROP = VICTORY. Home record in the ALCS: 1-2. Which equals negative one. Divide by pi.

Pre-Game Babble

Much like the Phillies' unblemished record in official Deadspin-sanctioned live blogs, the Boston Red Sox haven't lost-a one either. They're 3-0, dating back to the 2007 World Series. If you wanted other probabilities, Tom Verducci notes that it's a 50-50 shot, and AccuScore will trump the human predictor, saying Boston's a 51-49 favorite. No supercomputers have honed down the prediction to the nearest thousandth of a percentage point yet, mostly because they've all been repossessed due to scientists not making their payments, and repo-men are using them to predict if they'll get laid tonight.

Boston's starting lineup:

1. CF Coco "Riboflavin" Crisp
2. 2B Dustin "Groundhog" Pedroia
3. DH David "Poppyseed" Ortiz
4. 3B Kevin "I Stole Julio Franco's Batting Stance" Youkilis
5. RF J.D. "Clutch Three Games A Year" Drew
6. LF Jason "Being" Bay
7. 1B Mark "How's Your Wife" Kotsay
8. C Jason "Sweet, Not Ninth Anymore" Varitek
9. SS Alex "Sojo" Cora

Tampa Bay's lineup:

1. 2B Akinori "最初の野球選手" Iwamura
2. CF B.J. "Bounces Over His Head" Upton
3. 1B Carlos "The Lesser Tilde" Peña
4. 3B Evan "Quick, Throw It To First" Longoria
5. LF Carl "I'm Not Leadoff Anymore?" Crawford
6. DH Willy "Which One Am I Again" Aybar
7. C Dioner "Geovany" Navarro
8. RF Rocco "I Got Better" Baldelli
9. SS Jason "Sandlot Slugger" Bartlett

Bingo hall's lineup:

But Melanson's very fat heroics weren't the only factor on this night. There were other happenings behind the scenes that just may have helped turn the tide for Boston:

• Reverse The Hawk. According to Red Sox Monster, it may just have been the Reverse Mohawk, the hairstyle adopted by some Red Sox fans recently to counter Tampa's popular Rayhawk, that precipitated Boston's comeback.

• Oh You Nasty Boy. Rays superfan Brian "Nasty Boy" Knobbs was ejected from the stadium for rowdy behavior in the eighth inning. This is also seen as a major turning point, as Knobbs had been present in all of Tampa Bays' previous victories in the series. Knobbs, a former pro wrestler, is known as the Rays' official 10th Man. Red Sox fans of course were quite respectful as Nasty Boy was being led out of the stadium by Fenway security. UPDATE: Here's some video courtesy of Home Run Derby.

• Revenge Of The Condo Gods. While Raleigh, N.C. Red Sox fan Sean Bunn was out watching the game with friends on Tuesday night, someone broke into his condominium and vandalized it, spray painting the New York Yankees logo and pinstripes all over it. Whoever broke in even painted uniform numbers, the 13 worn by Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter's No. 2, on the backs of Bunn's dress shirts. (He is considering auctioning the shirts to raise money for the Jimmy Fund, the charitable arm of the Red Sox Foundation.) The Red Sox had lost that night, 13-4, but perhaps angered by Bunn's shabby treatment, the Baseball Gods deemed to turn the tide in dramatic fashion.

Time To 'Reverse The Hawk,' Sox Fans [Red Sox Monster]

• I Left Early. JUST KIDDING! WOOHOOOO! I will post a really cool video I shot at Fenway Park here tonight before I go to bed. [UPDATE: Here it is:]. On the way home I heard a replay of Castiglione's call — incredible. You gotta hear it. Everyone who left early tonight—you'll never learn at this point! Please don't come back! Your "let's go Bruins" chants aren't funny, original, or appreciated by any real Red Sox fans. [Red Sox Fan From Pinstripe Territory]

• Comeback Kings Crown Rays. The Biggest Loser: Coach Joe Maddon numerous retarded moves.
It wasn’t his decision to start Scott Kazmir that wound up being his worst move of the night, but his choice to pitch around Jason Bay to get to Drew that will be second-guessed from here to eternity. [Bugs And Cranks]

• Comeback. Am I cocky heading in to a Game 6 at the Trop with a diminished Josh Beckett taking the hill after being shelled his last two times out? No, no I am not. But one of the biggest single-game comebacks in postseason history can't help but put a little spring back in your step. And I can't help but remember that famous line of Kevin Millar's: "Don't let us win tonight." [Cursed To First]

• FUCK. Son of a bitch. [DRays Bay]

• A Tale Of Two Games. I loved the post 7 inning shots of all the brand new Rays fans with their hands on their head wondering what was happening to their lead. That is the first time in 10 years anyone has every worn a Rays jersey in Fenway park, please don't try and convince me otherwise. [Inside The Monster]

• A Swing. A Study. Can we get an orderly queue to form, consisting of those who owe Mr Drew an apology? I want to see about half of Red Sox Nation in there. You too, Red Sox print media. Get in line. [Boston Irish]

• ALCS Game 5; Scenes from St. Petersburg. Shea Smith of Palm Harbor shows disappointment after the Tampa Bay Rays lost to the Boston Red Sox while watching the game at the Ferg's Sports Bar and Grill on Friday after midningt. [The Heater]

• Phillies Must Wait For Opponent As Red Sox Pull Off Thrilling Win. For the Phillies, it means they can continue to sit back and relax as it appears the Rays and Red Sox have a lot more to settle. Let them beat up on each other and let the Phillies take care of the worn-out winner. [Yard Barker]

To get a sense of how deflated the Nation and Fenway were at one point, let's check out Extra Bases live blog entry after the top of the 7th:

That's It, That's All

After a double steal, Upton launched a 3-2 fastball off of Papelbon high to left, a blast that nearly scraped the Monster and bounded off the top of the scoreboard. Earlier in the at-bat, Papelbon tried to reclaim the inside part of the plate that Red Sox pitchers so readily yielded all series. Ultimately, nothing works against these Rays. That two-run double ought to be your ballgame.

WRONG.

Anyway: Saturday. St. Petersburg. Game Six. Rayhawk Landing Strip Country Club versus Stampeding Bald Eagles of Boston.

Game 5 [Extra Bases]

PHOTO: Boston Globe

It's amazing just how far Boston has come in the last few years. Even on the brink of getting snuffed out from the World Series (again), they still have enough confidence and an overactive sense of entitlement to piss all over the other team's manager. This is what winners do.

Obviously this is your designated area to yell about the Scott Kazmir versus the Dice-K in tonight's pivotal game 5 of the ALCS. Over/under on the pitch count between both starters after five innings is 342.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Out on the SKEETS there was violence....

Joe Maddon's Logic Inviting [BH]

Rays' DH Jonny Gomes read about Zachary and arranged for him to meet most of the Rays players on Saturday, including Carlos Pena, who offered to write his principal a note. Zachary also got an autographed bat.

"The kid got punished for being a Rays fan," Gomes said. "What's wrong with that? Hopefully, we've got a Rays fan for life — a Jonny Gomes fan for life. To make the kid's day — maybe make the kid's year — is awesome."

So the pattern is clear, I think: Befriend a kid, advance straight to World Series. Expect Joe Torre to adopt three babies and, for good measure, a stray puppy, just before game time today.

ESPN Takes Notice Of Bay Area Boys' Rayhawk [Tampa Bay Online]

• ALCS Game 4: Postgame Thread. Did you watch game four? Are you unhappy about it? Ask your doctor if Prozac this thread is right for you. Double-blind clinical studies have shown that concentrated randomness dulls the effect of postseason loss.

Game recap, in Haiku form:

He sets and he throws —
A knuckleball, high and flat;
Another home run.

[Over The Monster]

• Remember The Idiots. All right folks, we've been down but not out before, and hopefully, we can do it again. We are missing a few pieces,like Lowell and a 100% Ortiz, but the beauty of baseball is that its not over until yada yada yada. We as fans cant lose hope. Also, granted, Wake had a horrible game, but lets not hate. He has given the Sox plenty of solid games in the past, and he deserves some respect regardless of last night. So lets give Tampon Bay some serious Red Sox business for the next 3 games. Lets go, Red Sox, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap! [Big Papelbon]

• Maybe Rays Should Install One Of Those 'Monster' Things. THE GOOD: The Monster. Think we could get one of those in the Trop for next season? In 2 games the Rays have hit 7 home runs over the Monster and have added many more dents to its face...Chasing Tim Wakefield early. Too many at bats against a knuckleballer can mess with a player's swing. THE BAD: Red Sox fans with reverse Mohawks. Find it funny that those Sox fans could only "react" to something Rays fans were doing. Guess they couldn't come up with their own thing. [Rays Index]

• Must Be Hahd To Stay Warm, Sittin' On That Bench! Well, that game sucked. Many photos to come, but really the highlight of the evening was the extremely drunk/irate guy in the right field box section behind us who decided that he hated Rays relief pitcher JP Howell. [Blue Cats And Red Sox]

• The Sound Of Silence. Under those circumstances, I'd say silence is about the most appropriate — and not to mention the most dignified — reaction to watching your team getting its ass kicked in a nationally televised championship series. I don't know what else those TBS commentators are expecting. [Cursed To First]

• Apparently, These Necklace Things Have To Go. "Why do the Red Sox look so stagnant?" you might ask. "Even Kevin Youkilis' newly grown hobo beard isn't helping!" Fortunately, I think I've found the reason things have gone haywire. And friends, it comes to us from a weird source: WebMD.com. Apparently, a site once used primarily by hypochondriacs is now breaking news about Major League Baseball. Kinda sorta, anyway: [Red Sox Monster]

• Rays Romp Red Sox, Take 3-1 Series Advantage. WOW! Amazing! Incredible! Rays Win, Rays Win, Rays Win! Ok, so my thoughts are bit jumbled. Can you blame me?! If you saw what I saw you’re probably just as jumbled! What an amazing game! All facets of the game came together last night to culminate in a Rays romping of the “invincible” Red Sox 13-4. Yes, you read that correctly. The Tampa Bay Rays dismantled the Boston Red Sox in Fenway. Great to see Red Sox Nation spilling onto Yawkey Way before the 7th inning! [Rays]

• Got You Where I Want You. Excellent work, I say. By allowing ourselves to once again assume the role of Ned Beatty in Deliverance, by dropping our third straight playoff game to the Rays, and by being outscored 22-5 since the series came to Fenway, we have successfully lulled our opponent into a false sense of security. [Surviving Grady]

• Boston Vaginas Outhustled, Outworked, Outclassed. For a few moments this weekend, it looked like the Boston vaginas might have turned the tide of the Rayvolution. But come on — calling on Winston Churchill? Going bald? These are the actions of a fading dynasty desperate to keep alive a past that has passed them by. Kind of like tossing out 42-year-old impotent has-beens like Mike Timlin and Tim Wakefield to face the virile and potent young studs of our Devil Rays offense. [Bugs And Cranks]

But all negativity aside, I still can't see the Rays completely dismantling them in two games. But we'll know soon enough if the young Rays are totally spooked by Wakefield's bloopy balls this time around. For the record, I don't want to see the Rays in the World Series this year. Their cute story ended with me a long time ago. As much as I despise this year's Red Sox with their overflowing Phi Kappa Sigma-ness, I'm not yet ready to embrace some cuddly upstarts from Tampa, much less watch them for another two weeks. It's too much fun to hate in sports. Hate is good for sports. Let's keep the hate.

*****

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. And just like Ice Cube, please keep jackin 'for SKEETS.

What they're saying on the intertubes about Tampa Bay's 9-1 win over Boston in Game 3 of the American League Championship Series.

• Incorrect. The best part of the night was the Sox fan flipping off the TBS camera (something I've been planning for some time). Kudos to that fan. We have to let this network know how we feel. I feel like even if they were on our side, I'd still be pissed—something this blatant just isn't fair and isn't right. [A Red Sox Fan From Pinstripe Territory]

• Recap: Jon Lester Is The Best Pitcher In Baseball. Math: B.J. Upton + Evan Longoria = Rest of AL East Crying. Pena + Rocco = Smiles. Crawford = Varitek Headache. Navi = Base Hit Automation Robotical Apparatus 8000. [DRays Bay]

• Rays Win Game 3, Up 2-1 @ Fenway. All credit to the Rays. That being said, we sucked eggs today. Lester wasn't Lester and I'm actually going to give him a pass on this, personally. No, NG, he wasn't sucking momentum. Do you guys remember the last time Lester threw more than 160+ innings in a season? That's right, it was never. If he's hitting a wall w/r/t command, I'm not sure it's something we can blame him for. He certainly didn't look like he was pitching hurt, unlike Becks. Just wasn't locating. [Over The Monster]

• Some Sort Of Homecoming — Rays Run Over Sox 9-1. So hopefully last night was the part of the movie where Clubber Lang really lets Rocky have it, only to find that Rocky still has a little juice left in the tank in later rounds. Between the Pats Sunday night clobbering by the Chargers and last nights Game 3 loss to the Rays there hasn't been too much sporting joy in the greater New England area in the past few days. [Sawxblog]

• Rays Rock Sox; Take 2-1 Lead In Series. I don’t want to get into a whole big thing here, but Tommy and I were talking last night and he brought up a good point about Upton. Maybe I’m being a bit of a homer, but there hasn’t been as big of a media crush on Upton this postseason as there should be. The guy is playing with what basically amounts to one arm, and is crushing the ball. What if someone like Dustin Pedroia or Kevin Youkilis was hitting home runs with one arm at the pace that Upton is? There would be 50 stories a day written about how courageous they are, etc. As much as people hate to admit it race does still play an issue in our society. I know I’m going to get flack for this, but I guarentee you if Upton was white he would be getting far more attention for what he’s doing, and that’s a shame. [Outs Per Swing]

• Guarantee. I know I say this all the time, but it’s so true that it’s absolutely infuriating. The minute Mike Timlin sets foot on the mound; no, not even. The minute Mike Timlin sets foot out of the bullpen, you can mark that down as a loss. I knew it was over the minute Tito picked up the phone. And that’s a shame, because everyone played eleven innings of textbook baseball. [Boston Soul]

* * *

Bottom 9th

2 0

12:05 — New Fanhouse Dugout screenname, and approved by 4chan: DionerFire. Navarro strikes out on the ball in the dirt, meaning Boston demoralizes the plucky Rays in Game 1. All done. Boston remains undefeated in Deadspin livebloggery. Game 2 is tomorrow, but folks, you're on your own on that one. We'll try this again on a night in which the live blog actually fucking updates. Goodnight, funnymen!

12:02 — Cliff Floyd pops a dainty pop. Two out.

11:59 — Carl Crawford was nowhere near anything resembling contact on three swings. One out.

11:56 — Say what you will about Jonathan Papelbon, but his mouth? It turns into a nice, tight sphincter when the pressure's on. No two ways about it.

Still the Top 9th

11:53 — There's that one third of an inning we were looking for.

11:52 — David Price needs just 1/3 of an inning, and he can let his team get eaten up by Papelbon.

Commercial Break

So this Chase credit card commercial. New stereotype. Bald black guys with goatees are either bouncers, Boston Public principals, or in the case of this and many other ads, electronics store floor employees.

Top 9th

11:49 — After two effective outs in the ninth, Balfour is yanked by Joe Maddon — not by the ear, unfortunately — and the pinch-pitcher

Bottom 8th

2 0

11:42 — Evan Longoria IS the next Alex Rodriguez, in every way. A double play wrap up this inning into a new little red-colored package.

11:40 — Pitcher version 3.0 will be Justin Masterson, who if you recall did jack nil in Game 4 of the ALDS. And there's only one out still for Evan Longoria.

11:37 — Stupid Chip Caray and his "voice" beating me to thoughts I had. Peña is given Tilde Mindmeld power to swing at a 3-0 pitch, resulting in a shoestring catch in right field.

11:35 — EVERYBODY LOOK DOWN. Hideki Okajima will relieve the no-no-hitter-pitcher.

11:32 — Kevin Youkilis blocks a hot shot down the left field line, but he can't throw out Upton. The MIke Lowell injury is brought up, because there's no way Lowell would have bungled or bobbled the Upton dopple. Iwamura stays on second, and strangely enough the wild pitch doesn't hurt. Cowbell mambo ensues.

11:31 — A wild and crazy pitch makes it to the calm, inviting backstop, and Iwamura trotskies up to second.

11:30 — Aki Aki joy joy. Aki Aki joy joy. Aki Aki joy joy. Aki Aki joy joy. Aki Aki joy joy. Aki Aki joy joy. Aki Aki joy joy joy. A single for Iwamura.

Top 8th

11:25 — Exiting the eighth with all those guys on all those bases, Balfour forces Mark Kotsay to just hit that shit straight up and back down into Longoria's glove. Let's keep going.

11:23 — Conversely, Jason Bay gets hit by nothing, and hits nothing. Deux outs.

11:19 — JD Drew steps in and ... whoa, high and in! Bases loaded.

11:17 — Grant Balfour cums on to pitch and feel the noize. Girls, rock your boys.

11:12 — Maybe Youkilis's beard is a tribute to Richard Karn. Does anybody know what time it is? Time for Carl Crawford to misread a line drive which gets by him and Pedroia scores and Ortiz hobbles to third. And here he is, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

11:10 — David Ortiz milks and dekes Howell's pitches and strolls to first.

11:08 — Pedroia steals second by burrowing a hole in the ground, and when Bartlett tried to apply the tag Pedroia's bunny ears went around the glove. Now he's in scoring position.

11:07 — J.P. Howell, who was Jim Backus's greatest character, is Thurston for a quick inning.

11:05 — Hi folks, Joe Maddon here. What we're gonna do here is take this pitcher off the mound RIGHTHERE HEHHEH and replace him with the guy over here [circles] and bring him here [draws sloppy arrow]

11:04 — JINX JINX JI... oh, never mind. Pedroia dings one up the middle.

11:02 — James Shields is turning this into an old fashioned goddamn pitchers duel. He'll continue pitching, and both pitchers will go at least 7+. That's what I like to see.

Bottom 7th

1 0

10:56 — Ew, Gross. A strikeout leaves the inning up to Tampa's favoritest player ever, Jason Bartlett. Any chance Bartlett can drive in a run just by making a good diving stop in the batters box? No? Well, how about a groundout to the position he normally roves? No? Okay then. Inning over.

10:51 — Dioner Navarro's Dugout screenname: IJustDionerArmsTonight. The sac fly isn't fly-y enough, so Crawford has to dawdle around third.

10:49 — Wuh-oh. double double jinx and trouble. Clifford Floyd gaps the ball into left center and Crawford races to third. But hey! No triples! He still has a no-tripler!

10:47 — Carl Crawford steps up, swings, and ... !!!

Seventh Inning No-Hitter Jinx Entertainment

No-hitter? How about ... NO SPRINGS!!!

Top 7th

10:42 — Pitching visit of the Roger Dorn variety. And he pops this Variteker out. Rally killed.

10:40 — Whoa canine. Timmy McClellan sure likes the late strike three call, but that's what Jed Lowrie will have to suffer, giving Tampa a big second out.

10:37 — Not so much a base hit that time from Mark Q. Kotsay, because Iwamura had to go and fade back and catch that shallow fly. Speaking of shallow flies, did you hear the one about the mosquito who only dates blondes?

10:35 — While Tampa Bay may not be hitting ANY BASE HITS BECAUSE THERE'S A NO-HITTER IN PLAY, Boston's getting them everywhere. Drew and Bay consecutively find open slots through the infield.

Bottom 6th

1 0

10:30 — Evan Longoria, well, hey, he doesn't strike out. But he still KEEPS THE NO HITTER INTACT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MATSUZAKA HAS SO FAR.

10:28 — Peña falls victim to the False Tilde Shift for another out. AND HE STILL HASN'T LET ANYONE GET A BASE HIT.

10:26 — Remember the last pitcher to have a no-hitter through five innings in the ALCS? It was Mike Mussina, TBS reminds. AND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. JINX JINX JINXITY JINX. Justin Upton pops out.

Top 6th

10:23 — Nothing else is happening.

10:21 — There's quite a "Youuuuk" following even in Tampa. Are we sure this isn't a 2007 regular season game?

10:18 — The Red Sox have almost a .500 winning percentage when they don't homer. Which has nothing to do at all with, oh I don't know, their pitchers somehow throwing no-hitters halfway through games while walking the entire cast of Scrubs.

Bottom 5th

1 0

10:14 — Three more outs and ... ah, there we are. "A no-no through five." IT'S AWN. Sidebar: four walks and an error.

10:09 — A semi-jinx from Chip Caray. "The Rays are looking for their first hit" is a safer, more roundabout way of saying "Matsuzaka hasn't allowed a run," but the intent is the same.

Top 5th

10:06 — Another run? Jason Bartlett's not having it. The very-good-and-reliable-yet-somehow-team MVP makes an over-the-body catch, suffocating Kotsay at third.

10:04 — An example of how not to get in a run: smash a ground ball right to a drawn-in second baseman. Iwamura knocks it down and keeps Kotsay at third base, getting the second out.

10:01 — With a chance for runs, Lowrie has runners at second and third, and just about everything will get in a run. Unless he hits the catwalk on the pitcher's mound. That's a ground rule single. But he misses that catwalk and instead pulls a sac fly to right field, bringing in Jason Bay.

10:00 — Mark Kotsay doubles on a I-didn't-do-it swing and Jason Bay goes to third after walking.

9:59 — Purple People Sager reports that cowbells are annoying. We agree.

Bottom 4th

0 0

9:55 — Youkilis is under a foul ball, but Lowrie keys in on it DONTCRASH DONTCRASH DONTCRASH phew, they didn't hit each other, and Matsuzaka got through probably his quickest inning of the night. Enjoy it while it lasts.

9:54 — Matsuzaka's strikeout of Carl Crawford and Cliff Floyd put his K total at seven. He'd be dominating this game if it didn't take so goddamn long for him to complete even an easy inning.

Top 4th

9:48 — A hefty double play thanks to JayDeeDrew kills the inning. Camera spotlights on a kid rockin' the Travis Lee jersey. I'm sure there's a whole stack of them in a warehouse in Dunedin.

9:47 — Youkilis is just gonna hit himself onto first again, if'n that's okay with everyone.

9:45 — Silly Ortiz. RIGHT INTO THE SHIFT. Exactly as they planned. Now, please stroke your Jafar beard in delight.

Commercial Break

Know what'd make a better Viagra ad? Enough of these borderline fourtysomething couples who look like their kids just went off to college. I want grandparents about to fuck. There's your commercial. If it can make Harold and Gertrude perform the beast with two backs, it's potent enough for EVERYONE.

Bottom 3rd

0 0

9:42 — Peña walks, and Longoria whiffs. Pattern!

9:41 — God. If Matsuzaka is this boring to watch, imagine the defense behind him. Exactly how do they stay awake? Smelling salts? Some kind of electroshock monitoring? I'm going with Red Bull IVs between innings.

9:36 — Jonny Gomes getting into a fight with Shelley Duncan apparently set the tone for the Rays that getting into trivial fights is a catalyst for a dream season. So if I push over the lady from accounting for borrowing my three-hole punch and not getting it back in a timely manner, I'll finally be in the running for Employee Of The Year?

Top 3rd

9:32 — There were so many bingo points scored this inning, a nation barely noticed Shields getting through the inning so quickly.

9:30 — Scheisst. Fish in a barrel. "The fight" is also now bean-counted.

9:29 — The glitteriest Rayhawik in the world makes TBS, and makes another bingo square bite the dust.

Bottom 2nd

0 0

9:26 — Oh, and Matsuzaka gets through the inning 1-2-3. But much slower and much, I guess, craftier.

9:25 — Buck Martinez brings the useful commentary. Jason Varitek lost a ball in the whitey white lights, and Martinez talked about when he was catching, how his dugout yelled a number based on which way the ball went. See, that's actually interesting. Please replace Tim McCarver for the World Series.

9:23 — Mets fans, did you feel tightness in that that stigmata scar tissue as soon as they mentioned Victor Zambrano and Scott Kazmir?

9:22 — Oh, now they announce the umpires. I had so many beefs with the men in black, and I had to swear at nameless entities. It's gotta be a sweet gig to umpire in the outfields. Every once in a while, one makes a fair or foul call, and beyond that it's just getting batteries and discarded chicken bones thrown at you from the stands.

Top 2nd

9:14 — Quickinningquickinning Jasonbaymarkkotsayandjedlowriegodowninorder.

Bottom 1st

0 0

9:08 — Called it. Floyd grounds out. I win nothing.

9:07 — Oh, so Carl Crawford was the guy who walked? I guess Iwamura's the leadoff guy. Shows ya how much I know about this team when I haven't watched them in two years.

9:07 — Moreover, Matsuzaka stole my idea. They're loaded with outs of two. Watch Cliff Floyd ground out.

9:05 — TBS stole my idea for a stat. BACK OFF, CHIP. [hastily whittles pointy stick]

9:03 — Evan Longoria takes a good long look at strike three, and no sir, he doesn't like it. Okay, kids, this is slightly ridonk. With runners in scoring position, Matsuzaka's OPS-against dips down to .573. Why not just walk the bases? Batters are 0-for-14 against him with three guys standing on bases.

9:00 — Carlos "Bizarro Tilde" Peña? You can walk too. Matsuzaka appears to thrive when there are runners on base. (?!?) Sure enough, his OPS-against is about 40 points lower (.623) with dudes on base as opposed to the bases wiped clean (.661).

8:57 — Upton's fly ball was at least 50 feet short of a home run. But he "just missed" a home run. Please adjust your squares accordingly.

8:54 — Carl CrawfordAkinori Iwamura's walk is upgraded to a stolen base. It's okay, Carl Aki. They can't throw you out.

Top 1st

8:50 — And the first break of the game goes to Tampa after JD Drew strikes out to end the inning. Tropicana Field officials begin furiously building a catwalk in the right field corner.

8:48 — Opposite field doubles that bounce into the stands are all the rage this fall. (That and denim capris.) Kevin Youkilis smashes one that lands deep down the right field line but it sneaks into the bleachers and Pedroia will have to unhustle back to third base.

8:45 — David Ortiz flies to center, but Pedroia tries to test B.J. Upton's arm on tagging from first to second. Upton, who didn't study, just filled out "C" on the rest of the Scantron sheet and fortunately got enough correct on the standardized test, forcing Pedroia to retreat back to first.

8:42 — Some people walk to first on four pitches. But in this case, Pedroia drew a heartjog.

8:41 — Jacoby Ellsbury strikes out on four pitches, and Dustin Pedroia responds by stepping up to the plate with a bat as tall as he is.

8:38 — Joe Maddon's candid interview also shows that managers are not above mohawking one's hair a little.

8:37 — Lineup announcement time. ♫ Oontz, oontz, oontz, oontz

8:36 — TBS yet again proves the usefulness of blimp footage outside a domed stadium.

8:33 — Craig Sager is Violet Beauregarde in "Sager And The Amazing Technicolor Sideline Reporter." (In theatres this fall.) Also: catwalks. Marky post.

Pre-Game Babble

More bad news, this time for Tampa Bay fans. Now that Philadelphia is 4-0 in Deadspin live blogs, thereby forcing this site's editor into making my every other game they do this series, I had the company secretary look at the Gawker Media microfiche to get more insight into the ALCS.

It turns out that Boston is 3-0 when I'm watching them while live-typing. Since this is the definitive stat that controls the cosmic forces around the League Championship Serieseses, we might as well succumb to the notion that Tampa Bay will probably lose this series and return to the cellar for the next 10 seasons. Or it could also be contingent on the badassness of its perps featured on The Smoking Gun. Results are pending at this time.

Speaking of useless trends, if anyone who is not a Red Sox fan isn't rooting for Tampa Bay in this series, please speak up. I have a stereotype to spread. Well, that and bingo-age.

Red Sox ladies need to step up to the plate and go bald to show these dumb bitches what real fans are all about!

How ’bout it girls? Ready to go bare for the Sox?

I'm still waiting for the National League version of this. If you have any suggestions as to what the female fans of the Dodgers and Phillies could do to themselves to keep up with the enthusiasm of their American League counterparts, please leave them in the comments section. This is not a topic for Waxing Off.

Boston Craig's List Urges Sox Women to Go Bare [Bugs and Cranks]

Dr. Craig Morgan told the AP that he advised surgery for Schilling back in January, but the team wanted him to try rehab and he was forced to obey their wishes because of his contract. That failed, of course, and the surgery happened in June instead, which is why Curt is not on the playoff roster. In fact, the repaired shoulder is now "phenomenal" and Schilling will be fine next year—not that it does the stupid Sox any good now. Morgan added, “In January, everything I said has come true, right to a T.” All right then. Schilling, for his part, is staying away from his doctor's choice of words and timing.

He, unfortunately, like me has little to no filter when asked about things he feels comfortable with knowledge wise. My arm and pitching, and shoulders, are certainly topics he is smarter than anyone I’ve ever met on....

Regardless of how anyone feels about the ‘what ifs’ involved here, they are irrelevant. What’s done is done and even though I’d kill to be able to take the ball right now, I can’t. No one gains from looking back and wondering what if, most of all my teammates or the organization.

Why doesn't he just say what we all know to be true—the Boston PD would be setting up parade barricades right now if only Morgan had been heeded, you maniacs! You blew it up! God damn you all to hell!

• Doc: Schilling could have been ready for playoffs [AP/Google]
• Don’t ask… [38 Pitches]

Oh, Cardinals won two out of three from both these teams this year. Let me have that.

Series Schedule
Game 1: Friday, October 10, 8:30 p.m. Boston at Tampa Bay.
Game 2: Saturday, October 11, 8:30 p.m. Boston at Tampa Bay.
Game 3: Monday, October 13, 4:30 p.m. Tampa Bay at Boston.
Game 4 : Tuesday, October 14, 8 p.m. Tampa Bay at Boston.
Game 5 (if necessary): Thursday, October 16, 8 p.m. Tampa Bay at Boston.
Game 6 (if necessary): Saturday, October 18, 4:30 p.m. Boston at Tampa Bay.
Game 7 (if necessary): Sunday, October 19, 8 p.m, Boston at Tampa Bay.

SEVEN THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE RAYS-RED SOX SERIES

1. Boy Fights! Yeah, yeah, everyone on TBS — which, surprisingly, is the network broadcasting this series; Red Sox fans are finally spared Tim McCarver — will be hyping these teams' "intense" fight back in June. But it's still pretty cool that in the American League Championship Series, there's a palpable sense that people will start punching each other. (This certainly would have jazzed up last year's dull NLCS.) Let's just hope that if a big fight does break out, we don't get pundits tsk-tsking These Darned Athletes Today. Come on! Fights are fun! They're not punching us!

2. Don't Expect Cowboys-At-Buzzsaw-Esque Crowd Proportions. Amusingly, Kurt Warner and Ken Whisenhunt are actively begging Buzzsaw fans not to sell their tickets to well-oiled Cowboys fans. This sort of dynamic has led several Red Sox friends think they're going to have some sort of home-field advantage at the Trop. Don't count on it. The Rays easily sold out the first two games of the ALDS, and the Trop was louder than anyone who has ever seen one of their 8,000-fans specials might suspect. This is not going to be Fenway South.

3. Grant Balfour Is &#;*@ing Awesome. One of the biggest fear any sports fan has is that they care more about the outcome of a particular game than an individual player. This is not an issue with Rays reliever Grant Balfour, who violently curses himself out any time he so much as throws a pitch a couple of inches outside. Do not watch this man pitch with someone who is deaf and overly sensitive to torrents of profanity.

4. Where The Hell Did This J.D. Drew Come From? Before coming to the Red Sox, J.D. Drew had appeared in postseasons for the Cardinals, the Braves and the Dodgers. He went .246 (albeit with his fair share of walks) and generally looked like the same dispassionate, "I'd Rather Be Preaching Somewhere Oh Jeez I Think I Hurt My Hammy Again" vacant stare fans of those teams (and the Phillies, of course) had come to know and loathe. And then the guy goes to Boston and turns into Mr. Clutch. Infuriating.

5. Start Coming Up With Excuses For Your Boss Right Now. Game Three of this series will be played at 4:30 Eastern Time at Fenway Park on Monday. (Sussman, to the live blog!) This is happening Friday with the NLCS Game Two, but it's still worth noting that if the stock market explodes again next Monday, there will be no one manning the store.

6. Two In A Row. If the Red Sox can end up winning the World Series, they will become the first team to win consecutive World Series since the Yankees won three in a row from 1998-2000. The Blue Jays won in 1992-93, and the Yankees in 1977-78. The last National League team to win two World Series in a row? The Reds, in 1975-76. This is Jayson Stark, for ESPN.

7. All Together Now: Holy Crap, Tampa Bay Is Four Games Away From The World Series! Back in 2007, I asked RJ Anderson of D-Rays Bay to preview the Devil Rays' season. He wrote: "So what does being a Devil Rays fan mean? Well, your team is constantly under attack by most naive media members who paint the team as hopeless and talentless, the management as "clueless," and the fans as "none" ... and that's just from some local media members. The Rays may call Tampa home, though they play in neighboring St. Petersburg, but really there are a larger majority of New York Yankee and Boston Red Sox fans here than for the local Rays." This is probably still true, but, man, Rays diehards like Anderson really have earned this, haven't they? Here's the D-Rays Bay post from the other evening: "Fiddle me this, fiddle me that, thank you Rays for this appearance of Monsieur J. Fiddle Cat. I hope this day never ends." Congratulations. Let's see how long this can keep going.

PREDICTION
This hurts me more than it hurts you. Red Sox in five.

The Red Sox are that sneering gunfighter you see in Westerns who you know is destined to draw against John Wayne. Or that glowering boxer who feels no pain who is bound to fight Rocky Balboa. The Red Sox are final-reel villains, and as formidable as they are, it is fitting that they should be the final team standing between the Rays and the World Series.

Shortly after this—and after taking a brief moment to rub Chicago's nose in the dirt one more time—Rays fans are probably thinking to themselves: "Stop it! Do you also enjoy poking hornet nests with sharp sticks?" You've only had two seasons where you didn't finish in last place. Ease into your success a bit, baby. The Red Sox have become such a post-season juggernaut that Dan Shaughnessy is positively bored by them. (Seriously, wake up dude.) The last thing you want to do is give The Nation a reason to think about anything other than writing Manny Ramirez-based limericks. Wear your "everyone forgot about us" badge with pride and stay under the radar for awhile.

What's that? Hand you that can of gasoline, you say? All right ...

So bring on the annoying Coco Crisp. Bring on the dangerous David Ortiz. Bring on the mouthy Jonathan Papelbon and Kevin Youkilis, the escapee from the biker bar. Bring on the entire cast of Bond villains that is the Red Sox.

Perfect.

• "Bring On Boston" [St. Pete Times]
• Red Sox roar into AL title series [Boston Globe]

"We lost to a team that's not better than us," growled pitcher John Lackey, who gave up two runs and seven hits in seven innings. "We are a better team than they are. The last two days, we shouldn't have given up anything."

It wasn't so much Scioscia's squeeze call and Erick Aybar's missed bunt attempt that irked Lackey after the 100-win Angels, who had the best record in baseball and seemed built for a long October run, lost the series, three games to one.

"That's our style of baseball," Lackey said. "That got us here."

"[Sunday] night they scored three runs on a pop fly that was called a hit, which was a joke," Lackey said, referring to Ellsbury's pop that fell between center fielder Torii Hunter and second baseman Howie Kendrick in Game 3. "[Monday] night they scored on a broken-bat ground ball and a fly ball that anywhere else in America is an out, and he's fist-pumping on second base like he did something great."

Asked to describe his feelings, Lackey said, "Like I want to throw somebody through a wall."

Red Sox Send Angels Home Again [Los Angeles Times]

Poor Rally Monkey. Still, the tiny spokesimian fared better than Craig Sager's orange clownsuit. Unfortunately for New Englanders though, he stiill has about two dozen more in his closet.

And so the Angels and the Cubs, winners of 197 games between them, will be idle after baseball's first playoff round. This is not exactly how Mike Scioscia envisioned it. Is there anyone left who thinks that fate or Bud Selig has not decreed a Manny Ramirez-Boston reunion in the World Series? That would kind of rule, actually. Phillies-Rays on the other hand would confuse foreign viewers and be a domestic ratings disaster.

How could it not be fate? Lowrie was hitting hit .213 in September, and was 2-for-10 in the series, before his game-winner. Bay, who had doubled two batters earlier, beat Willits' throw from right, sliding head first across the plate.

In the top of the ninth, pinch-hitter Kendry Morales doubled, and pinch-runner Willits took third on Jason Kendrick's sacrifice. Erick Aybar then missed completely on a 2-0 bunt suicide squeeze bunt attempt. Willits was tagged out tring to return to third. When the ball squirted out of Varitek's glove after he hit the ground, Angels manager Mike Scioscia argued unsuccessfully to umpire Tim Welke that Willits was safe.

Red Sox Knock Out Angels With Ninth-Inning Dramatics [USA Today]

* * *

Bottom 9th

2 3

I do believe we finally have a Sox-Angels game that took less — MUCH less — than three hours to complete. Even better, it was back and forth for the last three innings. Even more to the point, there is a perfectly good Justin Masterson for sale on Craigslist.

So that's the clincher. Boston and Tampa Bay for the league champeenship. In no professional sport does that city matchup look right. So I will nap off the willies for 48 hours in the hopes that it makes more sense by then. Thanks for breezing through this game with me, comrades.

11:28 — Add one more scrappy hero to the Bostonian pile: Jed Low