Game Notes:

• Gerbil extremely agitated today. Tried to jump off table multiple times
• Frog extremely sedate, but had a fire hose of piss shoot out of him after initial contact.
• Gerbil left one stray piece of fecal matter at the 30.
• Frog just chillin', getting fat.
• Gerbil's heart rate about 180 bpm throughout game.
• Frog could wear Cowboys helmet all day.

A High Point In The Brandon Marshall Soap Opera Makes A Fan Go Mushy [The Watch]

Video by Gawker boy genius Mike Byhoff

Three games down with four to play? No one has ever come back from that. It's impossible, really. I mean, it would take a pretty pathetic baseball squad to choke away a lead that big! I'm not sure if any team that terrible exists.

Oh, wait. They very much do. All the Twins had to do was win four games in a row, beat the (probable) AL Cy Young Award winner and then hope the Tigers lost two of three to the White Sox at home. Actually, the way Detroit has been playing the only miracle is that the Twins haven't already clinched the division. Instead, they get one more big game at their dying stadium—a place that has been very friendly for them in the past, especially in against the Tigers. (7-2 this year and I'm already having nightmares of Juan Berenguer.)

And of course, Brett Favre is involved! Thanks to Monday night's brainsmasher against the Packers, the Twins will get an extra day of rest, the Tigers get an extra day to contemplate the futility of the universe, and the Dome's life as a multi-purpose stadium gets a dramatic two-day retirement party. It's good to be in Minnesota, I guess. Especially if you enjoy murdering the last hope and dream of a dying American city.

Hope you're happy, you heartless cretins.

Power, confidence evident in rout of Royals [Star-Tribune]
Twins gladly invite Tigers to the 'Dome [Dan Wetzel]
Mitch Albom: Justin Verlander saves the day — for another day [Free Press]
Ode to Dan Barreiro [Bugs and Cranks]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Brandon Marshall: Hey, remember when this guy was a clubhouse cancer? Now he and idiot-child Josh McDaniels are BFF and the freakin' Broncos are 4-0. Marshall's dramatic 51-yard touchdown killed America's (Most Hated) Team and made us all warm and fuzzy. Trade demand? What trade demand? [Boston Herald]

Jay Cutler: Hey, remember when this guy was a clubhouse cancer? Since his horrifying opening game, Cutler has thrown 7 touchdowns and just one pick and the Bears are looking good at 3-1. And he's now being compared to John Elway, which probably just blew your mind all over the back of your chair. [Chicago Tribune/Denver Post]

People Who Hate Fun: Georgia wide receiver A.J. Green made a ridiculous, life-defining touchdown catch to give his team a one-point lead in the final minute of a crucial conference game against a hated rival—and then got penalized 15 yards for drawing attention to himself. The field position helped LSU rally for the win and we all learned a valuable lesson about never enjoying sports. Ever. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

Alexis Thompson: The 14-year-old held the 36-hole lead at the Navistar LPGA Classic and even though she eventually finished the tourney in 27th place, has got to have folks wondering how quickly they can unload their Michelle Wie bobbleheads. (She finished tied for second, as if anyone gave a crap.) [American Chronicle]

Non-Selective Agriculture Schools: I guess Rich Rodriguez's crew could have used a couple more illegal practices. [Michigan Daily]

Marshall has not played in either of the Broncos preseason games because he fully admits that he hasn't bothered to learn the playbook. Then he threw a temper tantrum at practice on Wednesday (helpfully captured by local news crews), by walking through running drills, punting balls across the field instead of giving them to ball boys, and knocking down passes instead of catching them. Basically just being a gigantic baby. He was not allowed to practice on Thursday as a result.

The disgruntled wide receiver told ESPN last night that he isn't trying to force a trade, even though he's been asking for one for months. That's good news, because no one is going to want to trade for a spoiled brat wide receiver. (There's plenty of those to go around.) He says he's "frustrated" over ... playing in Denver, I guess, and apologized for his behavior. That doesn't mean he's suddenly interested in cooperating with offense, however.

So for now Denver is stuck with him, their only recourse being a maximum four-game suspension. UPDATE: And that's exactly what they've done. He's just been suspended for the rest of the preseason for "conduct detrimental to the team."

Of course, there is one constant between both the Jay Cutler saga and the Marshall one—Josh McDaniels. The only thing he seems to have accomplished in his first offseason is pissing off his team's two best players and winning the respect of no one. Should be a good year in Broncoland!

Brandon Marshall Makes A Mockery Of Practice [ABC7]
Denver Broncos' WR Brandon Marshall misses practice again, likely out Sunday [ESPN]
Broncos can't send Marshall home with pay [ProFootballTalk]

•Joe Maddon goes the Just For Men route, dyeing his hair jet black to turn around the Rays' fortunes. It worked for Wicked Lester, didn't it?

•Nationals GM says it's "unlikely" Stephen Strasburg will pitch for the team this year. You should probably read that as: it's "likely" the Nationals would like to avoid having his four-year deal kick in until 2010.

•Another day, another Brandon-Marshall-pissed-off-at-the-Broncos story. This time it's because a team flack told players not to express too much joy at Marshall's acquittal on domestic violence charges last week. No word on how much joy they would have been allowed to express had he been found guilty.

•Old folks who should probably be retired keep coming back. This time it's John Smoltz, who's close to a deal with the Cardinals. Not a bad move: they're a little short on starting pitching, and he'll automatically become the third best hitter in that lineup.

•Pedro Martinez and Jamie Moyer combine for nine innings, four hits, one run, eight strikeouts, and thirty thousand, eight hundred and eighty nine days on earth. And one win.

•The NCAA is investigating the eligibility of Tennessee freshman RB Bryce Brown, and some alleged recruiting violations involving cash for college visits. But here's the shocking part: Lane Kiffin had nothing to do with it!

•Look, just because Kevin Gregg has blown a fifth of his save opportunities, and just because he's got a double-digit ERA this month, and just because you can hear the collective sphincter of Cubs fans tightening every time he comes in, is no reason to take him out of the closer's role. Actually, those are all pretty good reasons.

Here's Brandon Stokley pleading with Marshall not to get their team penalized for excessive end zone Obama-bration. You may have won the game Marshall, but you have angered Oprah. And Oprah does not forgive.

“Joey Porter is one of those guys who, when you’ve got one of those guys that talk a lot of trash and just want to talk about people or put people down, they have their own insecurities. His insecurities, I don’t know, but he’s definitely one of those guys who, you know, all those muscles are popcorn muscles, he’s soft. We hear stories floating around the league all the time about him you know, in night clubs dancing with his shirt off like a girl or on the playground getting beat up in California. He’s one of those guys that you know, no matter how big he is can get knocked on his butt. He’s soft, he’s soft at heart and you can tell by the way he’s talking. His nickname is Peezy, I don’t know what “Peezy” is, Joey.

According to the always helpful Urban Dictionary, "Peezy" is defined as "someone who is not just fly...but EXTRA fly." So ....that's good? I guess Marshall should learn how to be less complimentary with his trash-talking.

Marshall fires back at Joey Porter [Denver Post]
Joey Porter: Brandon Marshall is soFT [Shutdown Corner]

Reporters asked how the progress was going on his right arm rehab:

I can do everything with my right hand that I was doing before the accident but I'm still wiping my butt with my left hand.

There's also video of this response to reporters as he's sitting down. You can't see the lower half of his body. I sure hope he's not ... oh, wait, there's his left arm. Phew.

Broncos' Marshall Enthused About Recovery [Colorado Springs Gazette]