How To Hard-Boil Eggs, For Godly Or Ungodly Purposes

Interestingly (or maybe not interestingly) (I mean, we are talking about boiled eggs, and we are gonna have to calibrate our "interesting" scale pretty generously here), hard-boiled eggs, when made properly, receive a much softer boiling than soft-boiled eggs. The "-boiled" is what confuses things: It makes you think that… » 4/19/14 1:09pm Today 1:09pm

How To Make Sausage Gravy, And Shave A Few Years Off Your Lifespan

Sausage gravy is deeply, deeply disreputable food. In its typical presentation, slopped across biscuits in some charmingly run-down roadside diner with Patsy Cline playing on the jukebox, it is, in essence, flour on flour, dressed up as actual sustenance by the inclusion of token quantities of butter and pork—which,… » 3/22/14 9:41am 3/22/14 9:41am

How To Make Scrambled Eggs, Most Controversial Of All The Breakfasts

Did you know that people do not all make scrambled eggs the same way? Did you know that they even occasionally disagree about how best to make scrambled eggs? It's true. True and intolerable. True and intolerable and horrifying. » 12/07/13 9:30am 12/07/13 9:30am

How To Make Home Fries, The Breakfast Of Sluggards

The basic idea is that breakfast is supposed to supply your wretched, dead-eyed carcass with enough chemical energy to work itself up into a state vaguely similar to the authentic vitality of the functional, well-adjusted people edging away from you in half-concealed disgust on the bus. This is why we are instructed to … » 11/09/13 10:57am 11/09/13 10:57am

How (And Why) To Poach Eggs: A Guide For The Haggard

Poaching eggs is a bit more complicated and delicate—these are nice ways of saying annoying—than frying them or scrambling them or hard-boiling them or throwing them at Rick Reilly, and so the question of how to poach them kinda naturally goes with the question of why to poach them. The true answer to the latter, of… » 8/17/13 10:14am 8/17/13 10:14am

How To Make A Goddamn Omelet

You go to a greasy-spoon diner or an obnoxious chain pancake joint or a seedy meth-scented Waffle House, and you order an omelet. Well, OK, you don't order an omelet—you order a giant chocolate-chip pancake with a smiley face drawn in whipped cream, and then you drown it in pink, berry-flavored corn syrup, because you … » 7/27/13 10:40am 7/27/13 10:40am

How To Cook Bacon, Eggs, And Toast: A Guide For Infomercial Skeptics

So I had the occasion, brain-fried and worked-over and at best quasi-sentient by the end of some long recent day, to plop my faltering attention on some cable channel well outside the familiar rotation and there, eventually, to be captivated—horrified, really, the gape-jawed half-smiling horror of encountering a… » 3/02/13 9:30am 3/02/13 9:30am