At a Wisconsin National Guard camp outside Baghdad, detainees have learned the effectiveness of bringing up number 4 in taunting the soldiers. How this wasn't specifically covered in the Geneva Convention, I'll never know.

They know Favre by name," said First Lieutenant Tim Boehnen, who is from New Richmond, Wis.

"One of the big words they know now is shenanigans. They'll constantly talk about 'Favre shenanigans,' 'He's so good for the Vikings,' and 'The Packers have got to really feel bad about that one.' "

"They obviously then started up the conversations, and started talking about Brett Favre. They soon learned about Favre going to the Vikings, and things just started going downhill from there."

Detainees are reportedly also bringing up Ryan Grant's diminishing YPC average, showing soldiers the Aaron Rodgers Sack Tracker, and teasing them about drafting Greg Jennings when Brandon Marshall was still on the board.

Detainees at Camp in Iraq Use Favre To Tease Wisconsin Soldiers [WTMJ]

Of course, you wouldn't have guessed that from the postgame coverage over at ESPN, NBC, and the NFL Network. Those three networks, combined, did their very best to squeeze highlights and coverage of the day's other games into a thirty-second window. I was all set to do my normal thing at 7:30 last night, switching over to NFL Network to watch Eisen, Deion, and Stabby McScissorsNeck go through the highlight package, as they always do. Instead, the normal NFL GameDay Final got pre-empted by the broadcast of a live press conference of Brett Favre after the Vikes/Packers game.

Now, I am a Vikings fan. I'm really happy my team won, and that they lead the division, and that they signed Favre to replace Sage and T-Jack, and blah blah blah. That's all well and good. But YOU, fair Deadspin reader, are probably NOT a Vikings fan. You could probably give a shit. In fact, you probably hate the Vikings with a scorching passion now, since they have served to reintroduce the Land Baron into your life for the millionth time.

So let us make it clear to ESPN and the like right now: YOU NEVER NEED TO SHOW US A FUCKING LIVE PRESS CONFERENCE AGAIN. EVER. They're boring and pointless and no one wants to watch them. There's a reason reporters are sent to press conferences. It's so that they can watch it FOR us, then find the one decent quote uttered in the whole shitty hour, and then deliver it to us. That's their job. It's not ours. We don't want that job, because it sucks and it pays nothing.

What the fuck was Brett Favre going to say in that press conference that mattered? That we had to hear so urgently? NOTHING. Nothing at all. Even if he said something interesting, he would have called another press conference an hour later to change his fucking mind. The only reason to hold a press conference after a game is so that the coach can go off and rant like a crazy person. And even then, I don't have to watch it live. I can watch highlights of that shit. If you're going to broadcast a live press conference, you better be ready to deliver news that will fucking ROCK MY SHIT, such as…

1. "The Los Angeles Police Department, right now, is ACTIVELY searching for Mr. Simpson…"

2. "Because of the HIV virus I have obtained…"

3. Someone fucking died.

That's it. That's the list of reasons. Fugitive status, death, and AIDS. Does your press conference not contain any of those three elements? THEN FUCK YOU. I don't need to hear it. Ever. And I really don't need to hear it on the fucking radio. They do this all the time on sports talk radio stations. Oooh, a LIVE press conference! You mean a coach is giving non-answers to questions RIGHT NOW? As we speak? And I can barely hear what the fucking reporters are asking? HOT DOG!

I know what you're doing, network people. You throw it to some live press conference for an hour, and you're off the hook for work. You get to go take a shit, or have a margarita, or sexually harass each other. Whatever. Well, I am at home and lazy and demand to be entertained. SO FUCK YOU. Cut away from the fucking live press conference. I never need to see a live press conference regarding a firing, a hiring, who got nominated for an Oscar, some shithead high school kid that signed somewhere, or any of that shit. That can all be noted in a tidy press release and on the ticker. Get to the highlights. I'm not here to watch some asshole answer questions at a podium for a fucking hour. DIE.

It's good to have him back, isn't it?

Steelers beat mistake-prone Favre, Vikings 27-17 [Philly Inquirer]
[Photo via AP]

* * * * *

It's Monday. Try not to get fired or sued this week. (Not as easy as it sounds.)

Remember back in April when A-Rod's entire career was in danger of becoming the punch line to a terrible joke about steroids? People were wondering if any of his 500+ home runs could be considered legitimate. Now he's the new Mr. October. Seriously, everyone is saying it now. Every. One.

In five playoff games, he has 3 game-tying home runs in the 7th inning or later. He leads his team in hits, batting average, home runs, RBI and smiles. He might be more fertile than ever. Even a New York tabloid is forced to admit that Alex is the man this year. He's a dream teammate. Mr. Clutch. Dare I say it ... a true Yankee?

As usual, winning cures everything. Even bacne. (Oh, good. The bad jokes are still available.)

Alex Rodriguez is the main reason why New York Yankees are up 2-0 in ALCS [New York Daily News]
A-Rod morphing into new Mr. October? [Yahoo! Sports]
A-Rod has become 'Mr. October' [AP]
[Photo: AP]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

The New Orleans Saints: Seven touchdowns to seven different players against a "real" defense, should pretty much make them the team to beat (for now.) Plus, Drew Brees has enough grit to fix a dozen levees. [USA Today]

Tom Brady: Six touchdowns. That's a lot, right? [Boston Herald]

Cliff Lee: Good thing for Philly that the Roy Halladay trade never worked out. [Philly Daily News]

Alabama Football: Not that it matters until they face each other, but Florida's pathetic showing against Arkansas means the Tide are now ranked No. 1 in the AP poll. (Gators are still No. 1 in the BCS, however.) You know, if all you watched were Alabama games the SEC wouldn't look so tough. [Crimson White]

Brett Favre: I know. I know.... [Baltimore Sun]

And new this week ... the Weekend Loser: A lot of good candidates, but I'm going to say the Tennessee Titans, for their pillow-soft effort against New England. I know it was snowy and all, but at least pretend like you give a shit. Maybe those Houston Oiler throwbacks are just making them feel guilty?

Column: This is the worst Titans team ever [The Tennessean]

I know, I know. You've had enough of the Gunslinger and all the duct taped t-shirts created in his honor. But this post should put a stop to all that because it is pretty much impossible to find a more impressive—or more fitting—memorial to the entire Brett Favre-Green Bay-Minnesota saga than this. A purple Firebird Trans-Am adorned with No. 4 decals and a "We Love You Man!" sticker on the back bumper has been spotted in, of all places, Green Bay, Wisconsin. This is the definition of perfection.

You may also rest assured that the tipster who took these photos can confirm that man behind the wheel of this beauty "took off, tires squealing." Is there any other way to drive an automobile like this? I say no.

I'm just going to go ahead and assume that Def Leppard was blasting out of the stereo as well.

[Photos via Mike C. of Green Bay, WI]

* * * * *

Welcome to Wednesday. Are you getting it?

We're not sure who the jersey artist is or what his relationship is to Wife of Favre, but it seems like she backs the sentiment. So thank you, Ted Thompson, for forcing her husband into a comfortable retirement in a nice Southern climate so that he could then draw even more intrusive media attention into her life and drag her back north to spend a winter in Minnesota. You're real friend, pal!

* * * * *

By the way, we'll have a new jersey gallery later this week so keep them coming. Your funny shirts are my strength when I am weak.

Enjoy Monday Night Football (if you dare) and/or Rockies-Phils. Thank you for your continued support of whatever it is we do here.

•Despite MLB.com's merchandise on offer (thanks to reader Nathan for the screencap), the Twins won the right to get swept by the Yankees. If you want more details, I think Dash is still liveblogging the game.

•Shaq and LeBron looked good together in their first game, but call me after Shaq has 80 games on that odometer. And it's not a preseason game. Against the Bobcats.

•At least Miguel Cabrera's drinking led to a humorous police report in addition to what you've already read. In August, Cabrera "taunted an overweight 15-year-old boy" and had to be escorted out.

•A vendor died of a heart attack while servicing the coffeemaker in the Dodger Stadium press box yesterday, which can't bode well for the team. Or at least the media members who want coffee.

•It's Brett Favre news, but don't stop reading. The gunslinger was named the league's most overrated player in an unscientific poll of his peers.

•The Brooklyn Fishing Derby is being held this month, and it's a real thing. So that means the most likely catch, an empty can of StarKist, will not count.

•Courtesy of reader Jeffrey, we have a camerawoman getting a little too caught up in the excitement of the Twins' victory:

Yes, yes. He did it. Kid out there. Just loves the game. Vintage. Classic. Like old times, etc. We got it. Brett Favre is not an incompetent football player. Of course, neither is Aaron Rodgers. If only Favre hadn't personally sacked him 14 times, the Packers just might have pulled it off. Maybe next time.

But what does the internet think?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

My favorite part of last night, though, was when Mike Tirico could not stop raving about Adrian Peterson's handshake ("the strongest hands you'll ever find") while simultaneous having to admit that "All Day" fumbles more than any other running back in the league. You could almost hear his brain grind to a halt as he tried to reconcile those two ideas. I guess a football is slightly larger than Mike Tirico's hand. (But not as silky smooth!)

* * * * *

Anyway, that's the end of the Favre talk (from me anyway), but it's just the beginning of our Tuesday. Let's do it.

So take a nap and eat a hearty dinner, because the hype and hyperbole will be as thick as the bullshit that Brett Favre and his many biographers shoveled in our faces all summer. (Not that I'm taking sides!)

Anyway ... Vikings-Packers. This is IMPORTANT, PEOPLE! When you see your loved ones tonight, give them a big hug and don't let go. Me? I'm probably going to read Mitch Albom's new book and think about all the regrets of my life. It's a long list.

Courage.

* * * * *

Thank you for continued support of Deadspin Airlines.

Or perhaps ESPN is simply projecting their own excitement leading up to Monday Night Favrekkake. Regardless, we'll have to wait another day to watch Brett Favre take on the Packers. If you are hard up for some Favre in the meantime you can probably count on any one of today's pregame shows for a fix, even if they aren't actually broadcasting the game (and yes, that billboard is begging for an assist from ESPN's graphics department).

Now settle in, because it's going to be a busy day. But first let's look back at yesterday's action, with a focus on AJ Green's touchdown catch and the absurd penalty that followed.

LSU capitalized with a solid return from Trindon Holiday before Charles Scott ended Georgia's day for good. Uga was not amused.

Later in the evening Miami picked up another impressive win, this time over 8th ranked Oklahoma by a score of 21-20.

Okay, now we can move forward.

* * * * *

You know me, I'm your friend...

•LeGarrette Blount could be reinstated by Oregon, in another example of a team overreacting to morning-after headlines then backing down when it's out of the news. Or maybe Blount just beat up Chip Kelly until he let him back on.

•Hockey kicked off the season last night, with early favorites San Jose and Boston getting blown out. But Toronto lost too, so at least we know we're not in the bizarro NHL.

•Big surprise: Kimbo Slice is likely to find his way back on The Ultimate Fighter. MMA fans, he's not going to go away unless you stop watching his shows and buying his PPVs.

•Brett Favre says that although Brett Favre would love to beat the Packers on Monday night, Brett Favre isn't motivated by a desire to get revenge on the team that Brett Favre feels mistreated Brett Favre. Where's my Guiness world record?

•Here's a great analysis of the NCAA's new rules regarding letters of intent. They're more ironclad now, so recruits are stuck with their school forever, or until they jump to the NBA after one year. Or to Europe right away. Whichever comes first.

•14-year-old Alexis Thompson is one stroke off the lead at the LPGA Classic. To put that in perspective, that slacker Michelle Wie was in kindergarten when Thompson was born.

•Here's an amazing bowling shot. I did this once, but it was accidental. Also, the people in the next lane weren't nearly as excited as I was.

Wha' Happen? [Randball]

Filmed by Gawker video wizard Mike Byhoff

As if next Monday evening's Packers-Vikings matchup needed more annoying hype, the Fudgeslinger just HAD to go and pull a last-second victory out of his ass (and he did it all himself mind you, with no help from anyone else on the field), prompting these actual reactions from the media:

TIM RYAN: "He just plays like a kid out there."

BERMAN: "This is why you sign Brett Favre! This is why you bring Brett Favre back."

TOM JACKSON: "He was like a kid out there."

LINDA COHN'S TWITTER: "Brett Favre a true Viking now!"

And now, here come the Packers into town, in what promises to be the Favriest of all possible matchups. I watched the entire Vikes-49ers game yesterday, and I assure you that Tim Ryan and Sam Rosen NEVER ONCE SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP about Favre for three hours. Praise was lavished. Stories of his love of the game and contagious enthusiasm were myriad. And then Favre connected with Lewis, and somehow the sycophancy became even MORE pronounced, spreading across all media platforms (with the blissful exception of the NFL Network's postgame show, which is perfect and wonderful and I now forgive Michael Irvin for stabbing that one guy with scissors).

And so, one week from now, we could be looking at the greatest concentration of Favre knob-slobbing the world has ever witnessed. As such, it is my duty, as both a writer for this site AND a conflicted Vikings fan, to venture into the belly of the beast. It's time for me to leave my nest and spread my wings, then plummet to the ground as a result of my unhealthy body mass index.

Time to go to the fucking Twin Cities, gang.

Yes, I'll be flying out to my old hometown for the game on Monday. I have no tickets. I'm not even sure I have pants. I may end up watching the game in a bar or something. I dunno. FUCK IT. WE'LL DO IT LIVE.

Got an extra ticket that you're willing to sell to Gawker Media for face value and not one goddamn penny more? Email me here. And if any of you know a good place to hang out near the stadium prior to kickoff, lemme know that too. We'll make it a happening. Or something.

So get ready, Minneapolis. Deadspin is coming to eat the cherry off your spoon.

More on the Hail Mary Kid later, but first a field report from La Crosse, Wisconsin.

So I'm with some friends at Oktoberfest in La Crosse, Wis. For those not from the flyover states, it's a festival of public drunkenness in which people try to prove they are the biggest drunken asshole in a sea of 100,000 drunken assholes.

We were at a bar Saturday night and this guy walked in, complete with a Jared Allen-type mullet. Obviously I had to snap a picture with my phone.

A different guy I work with (also from Wisconsin) has continued to maintain he doesn't care about Favre on the Vikings. Today he simply updated his Twitter with "Favre: Go to hell."

I can only guess how Sunday's events impacted mullet/jersey guy, but yeah, Wisconsin isn't taking this well.

-Elliot, Minneapolis, Minn.

It reminds me of the immortal words of Alec "Genuine Class" Guinness, who said: "Who is the bigger d-bag? The d-bag or the d-bag who announces to the world that he is a d-bag by writing in on the back of his shirt? Or Brett Favre?"

* * * * *

Speaking of Wisconsin, I think my blood is 40% cheese right now. Welcome to Monday in the flyover states.

•The Jaguars owner says he'd love to draft Tim Tebow next year, if only to sell more tickets. I'd say it's a little premature, considering we don't know the draft order yet, but seeing as how the Jaguars played on Sunday, they might well have their choice.

•In a battle to see who's the best of the second best in the second best league, the Rockies bullpen made it a damn sight closer than it needed to be, but they extended their wild card lead to 3½ game over the Giants.

•Alex Gonzalez was your ninth-inning hero with a bases loaded blooper, as the Red Sox stole a win from the Angels. Look, I know it's a meaningless game between two teams with nothing on the line, but you'll have months with nothing but football news soon. Let baseball have its time in the sun.

•The NFL fined the Jets and Eric Mangini $125,000 for not listing Brett Favre on the injury report, when he should have been marked "probable." Not to get all existential on you, but with serial killers, car accidents, meteorites, and the ever-looming specter of pancreatic cancer, aren't we all just "probable?"

•The new Cowboys stadium could break the attendance record this Sunday, surpassing the 103,467 forced to watch San Francisco and Arizona in Mexico City a few years back. Being in Mexico, that crowd was located in the back of a Dodge Ram Van.

•F1 is facing some very serious race-fixing allegations. Worst-case scenario, all the sponsors back out, advertising dollars stop flowing, car and driver qualities plummet, and the fans leave in droves. In other world, the IRL.

•Finally, courtesy of Docksquad Sports, here's Dwyane Wade and co. butchering a Boyz 2 Men classic:

Brett Favre is a winner! If the rest of you have a problem with that, then maybe you should move to some other state that doesn't award prizes for scarecrow building. (Yes, those ribbons signify that the BrettCrow is also a winner.)

Apparently, not everyone at the Minnesota State Fair is on board with the Vikings QB situation, but did they not see him beat the Browns yesterday? The Browns. I rest my case. You don't see anyone in Wisconsin building Adrian Peterson cheese sculptures, do you?

That's what I thought.

(Photo by ClarenceRosario)

* * * * *

Monday morning. Might as well get started.

Brett Favre has been fined ten boxes of ziti (Sopranos marathon, FTW!) for his crackback block on Houston safety Eugene Wilson during the Vikings' preseason win over the Texans this past Monday. As you may recall, a lined-up-at-receiver Favre went low on Wilson while trying to clear a path for rookie wideout Percy Harvin, forcing Wilson to leave the game. The veteran safety is apparently fine, at least physically. But emotionally? Not yet, says his agent James Sims:

"Eugene went back out on the field after the game hoping Favre would come up to him and apologize and express some concern, and that didn't happen," Sims said. "Eugene then was hoping Favre would send him an apology through some sort of correspondence, but that hasn't happened either. Eugene is still hopeful Favre will apologize to him."

Good luck with that. If you haven't seen it, the disturbing video evidence of the hit is below (and another hearty +1 to Jon Gruden for referring to it as a "cracker" back block):

Favre fined $10,000 for crackback block [Minneapolis Star Tribune]