Myers was scheduled to do a rehab stint in Clearwater, but sat out because his eye was still swollen, an injury he first said was the result of playing catch with his son. Lie! No, the truth was he got the shiner from stumbling out of his wife's Escalade (lie!) after having a couple beers (lie!).

But the real truth, according to the Bucks County Courier Times, is that Myers cruised down to Jacksonville to see his family then went out that night to Shannon's Irish Pub to watch guitar-slingin' crooner Chuck Nash mumble through vanilla alt-rock because that's what people do in Jacksonville on Friday nights.

So Myers and his wife are there (still together post-punching) and Myers is, most likely, maxin chillaxin at the Pub while Nash plays a killer version of "Gravity" and then a fight broke out and he was accidentally bopped in the eye. Completely not his fault because Brett Myers is a peaceful guy who walks away from situations like this because he's a professional and would hate to jeopardize his career with such foolishness. (Lie!)

Oh, and the reason for Myers being out so late? He was hanging out at Pat Burrell's Center City pad and was headed out to make a beer run, according to one of the officers there. Wonder if he was packing?

***************

Tonight: Yell about the Redskins and Steelers in this space here. The Skins are one point favorites on this election eve. Wager and vote with your head and not your heart though.

Tomorrow: We have an interview with former linebacker and current McCain campaign brain enhancer, Bill Romanowski. Plus, this will be the last time that Will Leitch gets to talk about politics on this site for a very, very long time. ( I give him one week.)

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. SKEETS the vote.

But that's just what the Philadelphia Inquirer did, while conveniently failing to acknowledge that 800-pound gorilla peeking out from behind the paper target. (You know, the one that's punching his wife in the face.)

Myers' wife eventually dropped the charges against her husband, but as the writers and editors know, that doesn't mean that the incident didn't happen. It did. People standing outside the bar saw it. His wife had a golf ball-sized welt on the left side of her face. Yet, those facts are overlooked so there's more room for witty back-and-forth like this:

He grabbed the handgun, held it sideways and began firing.

"That's how the gangsters do it," he said.

"You've been watching too many movies," I said.

"This is a lot of fun for me," Myers said. "I just like shooting."

Really. You don't say?

UPDATE: USA Today reveals the true Brett Myers: charity worker, pig-headed (but sensitive!), and self-aware: "I know there are people out there that think I'm a jerk. There are people out there who think I'm a wife-beater. That will never change," says Myers, alluding to a 2006 incident in which he was arrested and charged in Boston with assaulting his wife, Kim. "But you know what, I really don't care what people think about me. … If people don't like me, they can deal with it. This is who I am." [USA TODAY]

Myers Shoots for Success [Philly.com]

I was going to hop on a train again — it feels like I've spent half my life on a train for the past two months — content to watch the updates on the cellphone and just get out of this box-filled apartment for another four days, two days, one week whatever. But then 5:14 p.m. suddenly became 6:09 p.m,. as it tends to do sometimes when you're paying too much attention to things you can't control, and the first pitch was thrown, and, shit, well, you can't leave once the first pitch is thrown.

Brett Myers has been awful lately and when he loaded the bases in the first inning, walked in the first run, it appeared that awfulness would continue and the Phillies would have to face giant-assed C.C. potentially down three or four runs. Didn't happen. Still, the way the chubby dude's been pitching one run could be more than enough to finish the job, tie the series, shift the momentum, all that.

Then, in the second inning, it changed; Myers had That At Bat, which was truly a reminder of why you love your team, why you love your city, and that sometimes, good things happen when you least expect it and when you need them the most. Philly Inquirer columnist Bob Ford did a pretty good piece about Myer's Walk and you can read that here, but, so far, the email I received from Jesse Silverman (one he originally drunk-emailed to Ford after he read his column, no less) probably best captures everything you're supposed to capture about last night's game and the reasons why we continue to hang on to teams even though they're destined to break our hearts. So, sorry Brewers fans, sorry Cubs fans and, yeah, sorry Mets fans, but you know, we're all in this together for moments like this. Enjoy.

*******

Bob,

I am 32 years old. Old enough to have been alive for the '83 Sixers and Philadelphia's last championship, but young enough to not remember a single one of the fo, fo, fo. I attended a 15-14 World Series loss. I attended 4 playoff games as the '01 Sixers made their way to the NBA Finals. I was there for an NFC Championship Game loss to the Panters as well as an NFC Championship Game win against the Falcons. I was there for Milwood's no hitter against the Giants. I was there for, well you get the point. I've been to countless Philadelphia sporting events. More often than not they've ended in heartbreak. Tonight I attended Game Two of the NLDS. Needless to say things were different.

Tonight I felt like I was at Yankee Stadium as the Bronx faithful unnerved yet another not quite ready for primetime pitcher. Tonight I felt like I was a NY Giants fan feverishly praying that Scott Norwood would be wide right. And that prayer was answered. Tonight I was a Chicago Bulls fan praying that Michael Jordan would not get whistled for a push off against Bryon Russell. And the whistle was silent. Tonight I was part of a crowd which actually affected the outcome of a game.

Myers at-bat started off as nothing more than a joke. He stepped into the box much as he did in a pinch hitting role where he was instructed to stand at the plate much like a windmill. Wave your arms, but do not stray from your position. Don't you dare swing. But then a strange thing happened. Bit by bit Myers put an at-bat together. I deliriously cheered a broken bat at one point. I gleefully recited lines from Rocky 3, "You hurt him! You see! He's just a man! He's not a machine! He's a man!" as Myers singlehandedly tore down the Oz-like curtain from in front of Sabathia. With each pitch the crowd sensed momentum changing. Myers unknowingly, unwittingly, unsuspectingly, unbelievably was slaying the dragon. Strike (swinging), Strike (swinging), Ball, Foul, Ball, Foul, Ball, Foul, Ball, Walk.

In the rightfield bleachers, where I was sitting, we serenaded Sabathia with chants of "C.C., C.C., C,C,...". With each pitch the intensity of the chanting grew. The louder we chanted the more wild C.C. delivered. No matter that he was pitching on short rest for the umpteenth time in the last three weeks. We had him rattled. Four balls to Rollins and it was unmistakable. The ultimate trade deadline acquisition had been derailed. Shane Victorino strolled to the plate and struck the death blow on a 1-2 pitch. We caused that. We forced C.C. to make that mistake. We willed Shane to that homerun.

I've never been a part of a crowd like that. We affected - no we willed that result. Emperor Sabathia had no clothes. The Phillies faithful completely disrobed him.

Seeing no other option, Phillies general manager Pat Gillick told the Allentown Morning Call that Brett's just a real "shitty, shitty pitcher" right now. Okay, this is really what he said:

“We just felt it was the best situation for Brett,” general manager Pat Gillick said. “This way he can continue being a starting pitcher. How many starts he will make there is something we’ll monitor.”

Sounds promising. As of now, the Phillies haven't stated who'll replace Brett in the rotation, but here's hoping that Mitchell & Ness get cracking on that Lehigh Valley IronPigs "Myers" jersey right away. Those things would fly off the shelves.

Brett Myers Optioned To The Minors [The 700 Level]
Brett Myers optioned to Iron Pigs [Allentown Morning Call]

"I shouldn't have said that," Myers said before Philadelphia played the New York Mets on Monday night. "I didn't mean to offend anybody. I was frustrated, but I never should've used that word."

But was Myers apologizing to the reporter, or to the mentally handicapped? The answer remains unclear.

Phillies Pitcher Sorry For Calling Writer 'Retard' [MSNBC]
Brett Myers Blows The Game, Screams Obscenities At A Reporter [Bugs And Cranks]

• The Philadelphia Story. We were all ready to send Charlie Manuel off to the laugh factory when he sent Brett Myers to the bullpen a little while back, although the move did generate from Myers our favorite baseball quote of the year so far: "Let me let you direct that question to my arm." On Thursday, Myers closed a game for the first time, um, ever, and got the save in the Phillies' 9-7 win over the Giants. He pitched the ninth in place of the injured Tom Gordon, retiring all three batters he faced. Meanwhile, Jimmy Rollins continues to perform at a pace that will eventually draw the attention of Lex Luthor; tripling twice and driving in two runs. And suddenly a season that looked hopeless just a couple of weeks ago looks promising. Giants starter Matt Cain and his 1.54 ERA didn't last past the fourth inning, with the Giants losing for the fifth time in seven games. Rollins, a native of Oakland, had to miss his Warriors' win over the Mavericks, which occurred at the same time right across the bay.

• I'm A Walking Candy Apple! The Rangers' Sammy Sosa was hit in the helmet with a pitch on Thursday, but it appears that he's OK. So hard not to make a steroids joke here, so we'll simply recount the Seinfeld episode in which a bird collides with Elaine's head, killing it. Bystander: "It's like that bird couldn't avoid your head. I've never seem anything like it." The Yankees won the first game, 4-3, behind Hideki Matsui's tiebreaking double in the eighth. Then, Mike Mussina (1-1) allowed one run and four hits over five innings in his return from the DL in New York's 5-2 win in the second game.

• We Know. The Bases Are Like Pillows. No one quite admires his own handiwork like Manny Ramirez. The ball that went for his second homer on Thursday — breaking an eighth-inning tie with the Mariners — was already back in the dugout before Manny even got to first during his home run trot. Boston won, 8-7, despite falling behind 5-0 in the first. Seattle had happy amazing fun time with Boston starter Daisuke Matsuzaka, who walked the first three batters and struck out only one over five innings. He gave up seven earned runs.

• Lust In the Dust. The Mets begin packing all of their stuff today to move to their new permanent home: Arizona's Chase Field. New York has won 11 straight there, including Thursday's 9-4 victory in which Damion Easley and David Wright each had three-run homers in the ninth. Arizona's last victory over the Mets in Phoenix came on May 11, 2004, according to AP.

• May We Introduce To You, The One And Only Jamie Shields. James Shields (3-0) gave up three runs over 7 1-3 innings for the win and Rocco Baldelli had a two-run homer in the Devil Rays' 6-4 win over the Twins.

HOWEVER. When you have been accused of punching your wife in the face on a crowded street corner, we might advise against publicly celebrating your 26th birthday by pretending you're a boxer.

As a present to himself, [Myers] and his father, Phil, hosted Hall of Fame light-heavyweight boxer Michael Spinks, a friend of the family for the past 24 years. ... Spinks also discovered that Myers earned his living as a blossomed first-round draft pick, starting for the Phillies. "I was shocked," said Spinks, sitting in Myers' locker and signing autographs for some of the older Phillies. "When I saw him, I said, 'This is little Brett? A big guy now? In the major leagues?' Man."

Yep, he's gotten plenty big now, Michael. Doesn't he remind you a little bit of, say, Mike Tyson? Just a little?

In This Corner ... [Philadelphia Inquirer] (halfway down)

The Philadelphia Inquirer published transcripts of the 911 calls, and, uh, they don't leave much room for interpretation. An excerpt:

I got a guy smacking a girl around right in front of the Hynes Convention Center. He's right in front of the fire station that's in front of the Hynes Convention Center. She's crying. She's got no shoes on. He's a pretty big guy in a white shirt. And he's hitting her hard. I saw it. A couple of other people saw it.

To be fair, "hitting her hard" is easy to misinterpret, as is "she's crying" and "smacking a girl around." If only she could have impaled him with the dislodged shoe, Single White Female-style.

Transcript Of 911 Calls [Philadelphia Inquirer] (via Baseball Musings)

Anyway, Myers received a healthy smattering of boos, right? You got 'em, San Francisco, yeah?

Nope. He made it out to the mound without a peep, and even Charlie Manuel, his manager, said he "expected a harsher reaction." Though we guess that's just one more thing Charlie Manuel's wrong about.

But seriously, San Francisco: We grant you the Cheering Bonds thing; he's your superstar, and you've made your peace with the steroids thing. But not booing Brett Myers? What's wrong with you guys? Is anybody awake over there?

Myers Makes Quiet Return To Mound For Phillies [New York Times]
Brett Myers Punched His Wife In The Face [Deadspin]

I don't know that I'm privileged to say [what happened with Myers and his wife]. I'm not the spokesman for the Phillies. I do know what really happened was a lot less than what the public thinks happened and that's the sad part because some bystander saw something that really didn't happen. Brett was trying to help his wife. ... One of our employees [marketing manager Debbie Nocito] saw the whole thing. She said, 'He did not hit her at all, and he didn't grab her hair or anything.' So all the reports were untrue, from what I understand."

This, of course, not only contradicts what Myers' wife claimed, but also what several witnesses told police. In fact, he's the first person to have directly contradicted the police report at all. We're not here to say that team owners probably shouldn't comment about how women who claim their starting pitcher husbands punched them on a crowded city street are lying ... but he probably shouldn't do that.

Q&A With Bill Giles [Philly.com]
Bill Giles Must Go [Phillyville]
Brett Myers Punched His Wife In The Face [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: The Phillies PR team, finally getting its head out of its proverbial arse, has sent out Phillies president David Montgomery to say Giles was "mistaken.")

Brett Myers Back-to-School Pack
Get ready for school with a special gift for children 14 and under.

Considering what Myers has been up to lately, we encourage moms out there to bring their husbands ... or to at least wear a catcher's mask. Probably wouldn't hurt to attach a throat protector too.

Philadelphia Phillies Promotions [MLB.com]
Brett Myers Punched His Wife The Face [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: By the way, via Uni Watch, here's what all fans should wear to the game.)

(SECOND UPDATE: Myers says he's taking some time off.)

(THIRD UPDATE: Swear to God, in the matter of time it took us to save this, they changed the promotion to "ShopRite Phillies Back to School Drawstring Back Pack." They have their ducks in a row over there in Philly.)

(FOURTH UPDATE: See, we weren't lying.)

That led to Myers allegedly punching his wife outside a Boston bar last night, leading to his arrest on a domestic violence charge. Police showed up after a 911 call and saw severe swelling on the left side of her face — he used his pitching hand — and she said he had punched her. He was arrested on the spot, and he was released on $200 bail ... paid by his wife.

Phillies Ace Arrested In Boston On Domestic Violence Charge [Boston.com]

(UPDATE: Myers has a past as a boxer and is also into karate. Nice.)