Apparently, Gammons played at a charity concert the other night and performed a song he wrote about the Mitchell Report and steroids. A tasty excerpt:

Then one day I got a call from Mitchell's henchmen
Seems my name showed up where it shouldn't have been
Now I'm back at the Wal-Mart working midnight to nine
Playing beer league softball in lieu of ten years time
In lieu of ten years time

The Steroid Blues! We love it. Also at the concert: Bronson Arroyo, who took the opportunity to once again beg his way back to Boston. Reds fans have to just love that.

The Mitchell Report Song [Boston.com]
Dear Boston, I Miss You [Bostonist]

Everybody's favorite, uh, something or other, is going to blast the Mohegan Sun in Connecticut with his unique brand of, well, whatever he does. His official site doesn't have much about his music, but it does feature him almost exclusively in a Red Sox uniform, which we suppose makes sense.

We can't think of much more that would inspire us to gamble, though, than hearing Arroyo's face-melting Creed covers.

Bronson Arroyo, Mohegan Sun Cabaret , Uncasville, CT [Ticketmaster]

Last weekend, the Philadelphia Phillies revealed one of their most successful promotions to date with the Shane Victorino Hula Figurine day. It worked on two levels because, for whatever reason, baseball fans plus kitschy dolls equals sellout crowd. (It was also an excuse for fans to bust out their best leis and Hawaiian shirts, harking back to a simpler time full of Gonzo Fridays and pooka shell necklaces.) Plus, they trotted out Danny Devito to throw out the first pitch, who, while not Hawaiian, is the size of a large doll. And all that topped it off with a Shane Victorino walk-off homerun. Everyone was a Hawaiian on that day.

Tonight, Cincinnati fans will be privy to their own geeky promo, as the first 20,000 fans attending tonight's game will get...this. That's a cap. With a synthetic blond hair in the back. For Bronson Arroyo. Brilliant. Luckily, most of the fans in attendance will probably already have similar hairstyles already, so they don't have to worry about some of the latecomers being very upset about not receiving a hair hat.

This reminds me of another promotion that the Phillies did when they unveiled Larry Andersen Halloween masks. It was kind of an odd promotion, given that Andersen was merely a moderately successful setup man at the time. But Andersen was extremely popular in the clubhouse, being the go-to guy for hot foots and shaving cream pies, and the promotions team of the Phillies rewarded him for his levity with a cheap plastic mask. Given that Victorino dolls are going for close to $100 on Craig's List, I'm sure the Andersen mask has appreciated in value tremendously by now. Or not.

So this week, I'm breaking out ... eh, it's too hot.

Don't this shit make a nigga wanna ... JUMP! JUMP!

Antonio Alfonseca Six-Fingered Glove Night: 5/2

Now that he's successfully converted three (three!) saves while filling in for Brett Myers' arm, El Pupo's slowly become a fan favorite. With his rotund belly, his goofy hat and, of course, his 12 digits of pure power. Although Alfonseca's self-conscious about his extra phalanges, the more and more successful he becomes, he'll eventually warm up to the idea. And those gloves make great oven mitts.

Mike Lowell One Nut Night: 6/1

It's always nice to make fans aware of diseases, and testicular cancer — like having six fingers — is something most men are ashamed of. But Fenway Park could be the first stadium to embrace men who may be fearful of going public with their disease. At Fenway, all men missing a testicle get to attend the game for free. They'll also offer half cups of beer and commemorative peanut bags for the rest of the fans — females, and fans with both testicles — so as to not make them feel left out.

Nick Markakis Greek Doll Night: 3/1

Christos anesti! Markakis is well on his way to becoming the swarthy Brady Anderson in Baltimore, and what better way to capitalize than a tiny figurine commemorating his Greek heritage. (As a note Markakis was one of the only notable members of Greece's baseball team in the '04 Summer Olympics.) This doll will be one of a kind because, every day at 5'o clock, the sides of his face darken and grow stubble. This is guaranteed to be an extremely popular promotion, but the Orioles should be wary of a good portion of the crowd throwing plates onto the field or burning goats in the Camden Yards parking lot.

Tom Mastny Indonesian Doll Night: 2/1

Continuing the theme of cultural stereotyping brought forth by the Victorino night, the Cleveland Indians will celebrate the first Indonesian major leaguer with their own Tom Mastny figurine, outfitted in contemporary Javanese dress (baggy pants and a funny little Kool Moe Dee hat), which pretty much resembles something Eddie Murphy would've worn in The Golden Child. (I-I-I-I- Want the Kniiife). This will also be an educational night for most Clevelanders, most of whom have never heard of Indonesia.

Meanwhile, on the football front, John Gruden has revealed that the Buccaneers' offensive unit is no longer using the name Halle Berry as an audible, and has now changed to Jennifer Aniston and J-Lo. Said Gruden:

Halle Berry? Let's be honest, she is a fox and our players never forget that one. That one's used up, so we're on to Jennifer Aniston, J-Lo and Pam Anderson. We like to use girls once in a while, but in the regular season we have our basic audibles that we'll continue to use.

Going For Bo [Cincinnati Enquirer]
Sound Off [Tampa Tribune]

Initially, though we were happy about the Bronson Arroyo to Cincinnati trade, we worried that the harsh transition to "rollicking Boston nightlife" to "downtown closes at midnight" would cause some trouble for the rocking righthander. Clearly, though, it's all worked out well, so much so that now he's making some highly unusual local commericals.

Looks like he'll have to settle for a double. Shit.

(This has been all over the Reds boards for the last 24 hours. Big ups to Sportech, Red Reporter and Red Hot Mama.)

He May Just Win Me BAck [Red Hot Mama]
Arroyo Ready To Take Cincinnati By Storm [Deadspin]

In the last six years, since we moved away from St. Louis and officially became an out-of-town fan, the Cardinals are 14-19 in games we've watched them, a pretty lousy record, considering they've made the playoffs five times since then. We keep detailed track of these things, and it's frustrating. It's hard enough to organize your schedule around when your team is visiting; winning is the least they can do, really.

No Problem, Mon [Cardinals Diaspora]

As always, it's amazing what you can find on YouTube.

Today's pick: Concert footage from October 2004, featuring "rock" "band" Alter Bridge bringing current New York Yankee Johnny Damon — that still doesn't feel right, typing that — and Cincinnati Red Bronson Arroyo somehow looking uncomfortable trying to rock along with a Christian "rock" band. For a brief second, watching this, we thought it was possible that Scott Stapp could actually kick all these people's asses. And then we just realized everyone would just run away from each other.

Ah, 2004. We always have a feeling Bostonians will ultimately end up slightly more embarrassed of that team than they'd like to admit.

Alter Bridge With Red Sox [YouTube]

1. Red Sox Fans Are Always More Entertaining When They Root For Players With Funny Names. From Pokey Reese to Coco Crisp not to Wily Mo, goofy baseball names perpetually sound better when said by drunk dudes wearing their hats backwards while playing Golden Tee.

2. We Are Cardinals Fans. We'd kind of secretly lusted after Wily Mo — you realize we are starting Larry Bigbie in the outfield this year, yes? — but if the Reds were going to trade him, we're glad he's onto the junior circuit.

3. A Bountiful Harvest For Cincinnati Harlots. As has been hinted at here and elsewhere, Mr. Arroyo — being the rare combination of "rocker" and "baseball player" — is apparently most popular among the postgame hotel crowd. So if you happen to be in downtown Cincinnati between the hours of 10 p.m. (when the game ends) and midnight (when everything downtown closes), keep an eye out. Arroyo is ready to rock.

Red Sox Deal Arroyo To Reds [Baseball Musings]
Bronson Arroyo Now Officially A Rock Star [Deadspin]

They hit all the highlights, from Shaq's "Shaq Fu: The Return" — with, sadly, no mention of the Fu-Schnickens — Bronson Arroyo's new album of cover songs (it's good to know people are still into "Plush") and Oscar de la Hoya singing a bunch of stuff in Spanish. We are looking forward to the next batch of records, including the eagerly awaited David Eckstein's "N****a Please" and the R. Kelly/Michelle Wie duet, "Shake Me Slow And Smooth (Like a Butter Putter)."

Athlete/Musicians Drop The Ball [MTV]

Anyway, other fun pictures include shots of a woman whose breasts have been signed by Cardinals bullpenners Al Reyes and Ray King, Mets non-midget Pedro Martinez sipping what appears to be sangria and A's shortstop Bobby Crosby taking open auditions for a potential future missus. Grand fun, as always.

Not So Blind Items, Part III [On the DL]

We'll be back tomorrow with that last player revealed, but for now ... enjoy!

Not So Blind Items [On The DL]
That Drunk, Impregnating Farnsworth [Deadspin]
Bronson Arroyo Photo Album [Webshots]

Turn That DOWN [Baseball Musings]
The Party's Over [Boston.com]