Allan Huber Selig gave us the Wild Card, two new teams in the Sun Belt, and landed MLB hugely impressive TV deals. Is that enough to overcome the myriad fiascoes? Let's take a stroll down memory lane...

•Led a secretive group of owners ("The Great Lakes Gang") in pushing for commissioner Fay Vincent's ouster. As the most vocal, he became de facto acting commissioner.

•After one year in office, rescinded George Steinbrenner's lifelong suspension. Denied that the fact that the suspension was handed down by Fay Vincent had anything to do with it.

•Upheld, to this day, Pete Rose's lifelong suspension, despite overwhelming public opinion. Denied that the fact that the suspension was handed down by close friend Bart Giamatti had anything to do with it.

•Oversaw the 1994 strike.

•Opened the door for replacement players.

•Gave us interleague play, which, for every White Sox/Cubs game gives us Pirates/Rays and Padres/Athletics games.

•To compensate for 1998's expansion, one AL team had to move to the NL, with a considerable financial advantage. Selig's Brewers were selected.

•Though acting commissioner for the past six years, Selig continued to operate the Brewers. Upon officially being named commissioner, Selig transferred his ownership interest to his daughter. Many suspected he continued to make decisions for the team up until their sale in 2004.

•Threw daughter under the bus, claiming the Brewers' disastrous performance under Wendy Selig-Prieb is proof that he was no longer running the team after 1992.

•Helped to write the hagiographies of Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds. Perhaps they should have been fact checked first.

•Saw the NFL institute an almost-total instant replay policy in 1999. Nine years later, introduced instant replay only for home run calls.

•Two days after the thrilling and inspiring 2001 World Series, held a vote on contracting the Twins and Expos. Was charged with racketeering and settled the case outside of court. Got the Expos moved anyway.

•Oversaw the 2002 All-Star Game in which both sides ran out of players. From then on, the ASG determined home field advantage in the World Series. The National League has yet to win home field advantage.

•Commissioned the Mitchell Report, led by Director of the Red Sox, and which seemed to rely on two sources and revealed nothing new.

•Failed miserably at keeping a secret list of steroid users secret. Fans now look forward to the annual reveal of superstar names.

•Saw other sports praised for their parity; oversaw an uncapped league where one team regularly spends six times as much as others.

•Made sure October baseball regularly ends after midnight.

•Made sure October baseball regularly ends in November.

Please do remind me in the comments of what I'm forgetting.

Give them credit. When baseball's "leaders" stick their head in the sand, they really stick it in there. No outside noise will ever affect their judgment. The 2009 postseason was the most embarrassing display by the umpires in recent memory. It wasn't that they missed a lot of close plays—the calls they botched were glaringly obvious mistakes. Even the most ardent anti-replay sticklers had to admit that it probably would have come in handy more than a few times this October. The time was ripe! So, of course, baseball's GMs said "No, thanks."

"Right now, the commissioner doesn't see any reason to consider it."

Really? No reason at all? I guess they just want to spare baseball fans from 10-minute replay reviews on Sony Watchmans (mens?). On the other hand, they can't even figure out how to announce the league MVPs within two months of the actual season taking place, so when has speed ever been a concern? The sport's "old fogey" reputation remains solidly intact.

Trail to instant replay must be laid with dollar signs [CBS Sports]
What controversy? Baseball's GMs bypass instant replay debate for umpires' calls [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

Baseball's general managers, meeting in Chicago right now, chose not to vote on replay. From the Associated Press:

"We talked about the mechanics behind instant replay. We talked about the structure. We talked about where it's housed, the umpires' procedure," said Jimmie Lee Solomon, executive vice president of baseball operations in the commissioner's office. "But it was all confined to the current instant replay system that we have."

Commissioner Bud Selig opposes widening the use of video review.

"I know there are some who have talked off line about the expansion of instant replay," Solomon said. "Right now, the commissioner doesn't see any reason to consider it."

Selig's in the wrong, of course, as he often is. One day, rest assured, baseball will clean up its umpiring. But unfortunately that won't happen until the game first rids itself of the human element known as Bud Selig.

GMs pass on expanding instant replay [AP]

The biggest voice—and the one that is possibly the most directly affected—is Hank Aaron's. He was widely quoted this weekend for saying that anyone who has been proven to use steroids should be banned from the Hall of Fame. That would conveniently eliminate both the man who broke his biggest record (Barry Bonds) and the man most likely to break it in the future (Alex Rodriguez) ... but not Mark McGwire, who is currently being "banned" anyway. He also wants the 102 names from the infamous list of 2003 released, as if that would solve anything.

"My feeling has always been the same – the game of baseball has no place for cheaters," Aaron said Sunday morning. "There's no place in the Hall of Fame for people who cheat."

He's right cheating is bad. But is using steroids really cheating? Let's ask another current Hall of Famer:

"I certainly don't think you can stand up there and hit a Nolan Ryan 100-mph fastball just because you put something in your arm or took a pill," he said.

Oh, wait ... that was Hank Aaron again. But at the same time, Aaron has no problem with Pete Rose joining the club. In the same impromptu press conference, Aaron said that Rose belongs in Cooperstown and he would like to seem him there. He says that Pete's situation is different than the steroids question. (It is. It's worse.) But if Pete would just ask for forgiveness and admits his faults, this could all be over.

There's the rub, isn't it? Pete Rose doesn't want forgiveness and will never say he's sorry. That's always been part of the "conditions" for the removal of his lifetime ban and that's why it hasn't happened yet. Even if Pete does get the ban lifted, he would be relying on the Veteran's Committee to get him into Cooperstown, which is not a lock. Aaron and two prominent former teammates of Rose (guess who?) have been lobbying Selig on his behalf, but there are just as many Hall members who want to see Rose humbled first. Maybe he broke one of their records?

If there's one thing that induction weekend never fails to reminds us of, it's that there is no more arrogant group of people on the planet than Baseball's Hall of Famers. (Except maybe the baseball writers who put them there.) If you think Rickey Henderson is the new king of that mountain, you're sadly mistaken. (See also: Reggie Jackson.)

MLB commissioner Bud Selig mulling pardon for hit king Pete Rose [NY Daily News]
Aaron wants past steroid users exposed, banned from Hall [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]
MLB: Aaron says Rose belongs in Hall [Honolulu Advertiser]
Rickey has last laugh [Daily Star]

The commissioner-for-life was around to announce the picks, a relatively simple task that David Stern uses once a year to trick everyone into thinking he's human. But if Twitter is a representative sample of the country — and, lord, let's hope it isn't — then Selig failed miserably. In fact, according to his critics, Bud Selig is ...

"... almost uncomfortable to watch"
"... a charmer"
"... worse than dull."
"... [awful] at absolutely everything he does."
"... lost in the green room"
"... just awkward"
"... the most unsmooth commissioner in the history of sports."
"... boring lol he looks so robotic."
"... an inept moron"
"... awful at this draft business"
"... the first person I have ever heard pronounce a certain Ohio city as "Cincinnat-uh." (note: certain Ohio city is not Cleveland)"
"... BORING WHEN INTRODUCING PLAYERS"
"... not amused by applause."
"... a skinny guy, yet he spent $400k last year on meals"
"... just awkward announcing the picks"
"... a colossal douche bag"

And my favorite, for the sputtering yet economical expression of hatred:

"... such a... fuck bud selig."

Search - "bud selig is" [Twitter]

The Chico Outlaws and Calgary Vipers were trapped in an epic, a 6-6 tie after 11 innings seven games into the Golden Baseball League season, and the crack crew of ESPN Classic was beginning to clear its Saturday schedule to loop the game's grainy highlights. The only problem: It was nearing 11 p.m., and if the game went any longer, a city ordinance would have prevented fans from seeing the fireworks they had all come for. The Outlaws' general manager made the obvious decisions: Suspend the game, and boom goes the dynamite.

"That's a tough ending to the night right there," Outlaws third baseman Jason Crosland said.

Calgary veteran left fielder Drew Miller was cognizant of the long-term consequences the decision might have. Currently, both teams are 6-1 and tied atop the Golden Baseball League's North Division standings. With the flow and energy of the game completely gone by tonight, the loser likely will look back at the loss as artificial.

"You really hope that this isn't what decides a divisional race," Miller said. "It's just one game, so we'll see what happens."

Yep, let's hope it doesn't decide the divisional race. Because this time, it counts.

Outlaws, Vipers leave game tied 6-6 [Chico Enterprise Record]

Ventura, speaking on the online news program Your Turn, said the logic behind it just doesn't add up:

"My question is: They've now determined 104 baseball players failed their steroid test in 2003 – 104! They indicted Vince McMahon, why aren't they indicting Bud Selig?"

And Yahoo!'s Dan Wetzel thinks Ventura not only has a point, but suggests that Major League Baseball under Bud Selig might even be more detestable than the steroid-friendly, halcyon days of the WWE:

McMahon, who beat the conspiracy to distribute steroids charges in 1994, actually ran an honest operation compared to Selig. While Hulk Hogan may have claimed he was just "eating his vitamins," anyone over the age of 12 understood the entire thing was make-believe, just entertainment.

Not Selig. Not baseball. They clung to an illusion they either knew wasn't true or should've known wasn't true. When confronted repeatedly with facts that the game was a sham, they reacted at a glacial pace.

Selig is so surrounded by yes-men and so comforted by apologists in the media – or organizations willing to suspend anyone who mocks him – that he believes his own lunacy.

Obviously, this is in response to Selig's baffling defensiveness about his role in baseball's steroid era, where he acted shocked and appalled over public sentiments implicating him in the whole mess. Basically, WHY AREN'T PEOPLE CONGRATULATING ME FOR MAKING SO MUCH MONEY?, or something to that effect. Maybe Scott Van Pelt's characterization of him as pimp wasn't as far-fetched as it originally appeared?

Did Selig Allow MLB To Become WWE? [Yahoo! Sports]

Call him Kennsaw "Mountain" Selig.

From USA Today:

"It was against the law, so I would have to think about that," Selig told USA TODAY's Christine Brennan in his first comments since Rodriguez's admission. "It's very hard. I've got to think about all that kind of stuff." Rodriguez would be the first to serve a suspension without testing positive during the penalty years.

Selig said he also is considering reinstating Hank Aaron as baseball's home run king in the record book. Barry Bonds broke Aaron's record of 755 home runs in 2007 but is scheduled to stand trial March 2 on charges he lied to a federal grand jury about performance-enhancing drugs. "This is breaking my heart, I don't mind telling you that," Selig said.

However, only hours after making the comments, Selig seemed to lose his nerve. From the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel:

Reached later Thursday, Selig said he would not comment further on the matter involving Aaron or Alex Rodriguez, who admitted using performance-enhancing substances. Selig told USA Today that Rodriguez might be suspended for his actions.

Bob DuPuy, baseball's president and chief operating officer, said in an e-mail to the Journal Sentinel this morning that he had not seen the Selig comments. But he added that, in previous comments, Selig has said the issue of rewriting baseball's record books is a "slippery slope and that no one should get their hopes up."

Yeah, sorry for suddenly growing a spine there, people. I'll have that immediately removed.

UPDATE: Selig has issued a statement. No plans to punish Rodriguez at this time.

Selig Might Make Aaron The Home-Run King [Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel]
MLB Commissioner Selig Considers Suspending A-Rod [USA Today]
Selig: A-Rod Has 'Shamed The Game' [NBCSports]

Van Pelt declined to comment on the incident, passing it along to ESPN media relations, who "do not comment about personnel decisions." The story, passed along through several people, was that Van Pelt's rant about Selig was "too personal" for some of the ESPN bosses — comments about his slovenly appearance, something about a "pimp cup" — which led to the suspension. Van Pelt, reportedly on his own volition, called Selig to apologize and was in agreement that his statements were a little harsh.

Selig does have close relationships with many of ESPN's top execs ( they are currently locked in an 8-year, $2.4 billion broadcast deal from 2005 for Sunday Night Baseball and have other contracts with MLB) and the initial story was that Selig himself heard the remarks and was personally offended by them, but that hasn't been confirmed.

I missed the show and have not seen a transcript of the Selig rant, but everybody on ESPN's side seems convinced that it did step over the arbitrary lines of good taste, unbecoming of a national radio host. Until we see that, it's tough to tell if Van Pelt's being punished unfairly or if he just stepped on some corporate toes. But with the money ties that ESPN has with MLB, it wouldn't be surprising if Van Pelt's getting smacked a little harder for this one than if he was ripping on Gary Bettman.

Update: Someone rescued the audio for us, so listen and decide for yourself:

When Hurricane Ike rained on the party inside Minute Maid Park in Houston last weekend, Bud Selig infamously made the Astros play two games at a "neutral site", Milwaukee's Miller Park. As you can imagine, this was not well received in the Astros' clubhouse.

Houston, which had been red hot prior to Ike, promptly lost both games to the Cubs - one of which included a no-hitter by Carlos Zambrano - and has now fallen into a late season tailspin. Bud Selig then had the brilliant idea of taking out a full-page ad in the Houston Chronicle, and expressed "profound sorrow" for all that was lost in the storm.

The 'Stros weren't having any of it.

“Major League Baseball has always valued the dollar more than they do the individual, the players and their families,” Lance Berkman said. “That’s illustrated in things like playing through a lightning storm in Chicago (on Aug. 4)."

“The thing is we had days at the end of the season that we could have played a single game plus a doubleheader if need be,” Doug Brocail said. “And to make us go up and play at North Wrigley like we had to on no sleep, it was absolutely ridiculous. If it was New York or Boston, it would have been played at the end of the season. I truly believe that, and I think 99.9 percent of our teammates believe that. But no, we’re the Houston Astros.”

Looks like another tremendous moment for the Bud Selig Era.

With Selig, it’s all about money [Houston Chronicle]
'Profound Sorrow' of Selig Not Enough for Astros [The Sporting Blog]

If, as some are saying, Billy Crystal signing with the Yankees is making a mockery of baseball, then what do we make of Tommy Lasorda's return to the Dodgers? While Crystal is in danger of getting hurt in his one-game exhibition game stint on Thursday, Lasorda could very well keel over dead. I mean, just look at him; and remember that he's 80. I keep seeing that scene in The Godfather in which Vito Corelone falls over dead in the tomato garden (as Rafael Furcal chases him with the bug sprayer).

On Tuesday, Lasorda actually trundled out to argue a call. Heavens. Tim Brown of Yahoo Sports picks up the action: "And then Tommy Lasorda shot — well, slid — from that chair and charged — well, slogged — across the field, into the chest of that tall, angular and terribly misguided umpire. The overflow crowd stood and cheered while Lasorda, going on 12 years since a heart attack took him from the Dodgers' dugout, blew smoke and spittle in the general direction of Gary Cederstrom's neck, which just slayed the grinning umpire." I've always seen Lasorda as the Krusty the Klown of baseball, having long ago become a parody of himself. But this is just sad. And dangerous. Because when he finally does topple over, he may just begin rolling and never stop.

• Kaz Matsui Has Anal Fissures. Sorry, but I didn't know how to say it, so I just said it. As mentioned yesterday, from the Houston Chronicle: "Astros second baseman Kaz Matsui is expected to miss four or five days after being diagnosed with a condition known as anal fissure." And, AOL Fanhouse has done further research: "An anal fissure is an unnatural crack or tear in the anus skin. Various causes of this fissure include: Straining to defecate, especially if the stool is hard and dry; severe and chronic constipation; severe and chronic diarrhea; Crohn's disease and Ulcerative colitis; tight sphincter muscles; anal intercourse." I think it was a Deadspin commenter who coined the perfect term for this: "Ass Tectonics."

• Bud Selig Can Afford To Pick Up That Check. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig earned $14.5 million in baseball's latest fiscal year, according to Major League Baseball's tax return, which I obtained by opening certain filing cabinets with a brick. The best part: Selig received $140,603 for expenses. I'm pretty sure none of that was for clothing.

It's worth noting, of course, that this doesn't necessarily measure popularity; much of MLB's income has come from MLB.com, and the league's draconian measures to funnel all traffic and revenue in that direction. But baseball's setting new attendance records every year. Except, maybe, in Florida.

It is amazing, really, how Selig so consistently makes the wrong decisions at exactly the wrong time; he couldn't screw up worse if he were trying. First, historically, the steroid (and Bonds) monster that he could have dealt with a decade ago. But that's original sin: Let's deal with the last, oh, two weeks.

Selig, chronologically:

• Refused to say whether he would be there for Bonds' record homer, acting as if he was making grand statement by not making a statement.
• Finally relented and started showing up at games, dragging his feet and saying, "I don't think anybody can say I haven't made a Herculean effort" in, you know, watching baseball games.
• Leaves the trail right before Bonds hits the homer.
• Meets with that increasingly ridiculous Mitchell steroid probe committee.
• When Bonds hits the record, sends out another of his namby-pamby, bitch-ass "we congratulate Bonds ... but don't forget that he's a cheater!" passive-aggressive press releases.

Selig is the only guy we know who thinks, by taking no stance and pussy-footing around, people will see him as some sort of great leader. He's not. He's just a spineless car salesman who, for some reason, just won't go away. God, has he really been commissioner for 15 years now?

And seriously: It is absolutely impossible for this guy to take a good picture.

We hope you all enjoyed Bud's chat today and are raring and ready for the 78th All-Star Game. The American League has won nine in a row. Since they made that All Important Rule about home-field advantage in the World Series going to the league that wins here, the World Series is even between leagues at 2. So strap in and HOLD ON TIGHT. (And play Bingo!)

Because this is a Big Game — and the Only Thing Happening Today — we are proud to introduce the fine crew at Babes Love Baseball, who will be live blogging this monster for you tonight. Their words will begin a bit before gametime after the jump. Make them feel welcome, and do try to enjoy yourselves.

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It's not over til Ichiro drives off the field in that sweet new American made gas-hog ...and the love affair between Chevy and major league baseball continues. Ichiro gets the MVP for having a 3-for-3 night with 2 runs driven in and the American League takes home field advantage for the World Series once again. Thanks Deadspinners, that was good times.

And its over Well, who needs sleep anyway. Way to go, American League. I guess as far as All-star games go, it was pretty funny. McCarver and Buck have a combined IQ of 42. There was swearing, violence against cops, and Fox even had a crotch cam. Anyway, thanks to Peter Cavan (Phil) for supplying me an air conditioned room, a lap top, and the opportunity to see David Wright in HD. Thanks for all the kind words, dudes and dudettes, even though our slight technical mishap and my minor meltdown. And with that, It's time for me to venture home and go to bed. Take care of yourselves, and each other.

Ass of the Ninth part one JJ Not prounounced Putts strikes out Holliday. Crotch cam picks up more swears. Dodgers suck. How sweet. Pop out to short for the second out. Hahhahahaha, the last hope for the NL is Dimitri Young. Perhaps he can suck some power from his AMAZING HAIR. Joe Buck declares there was a tombstone with Young's name on it because he has diabeties. I wish G-d were alive to see this. Oh, the pride and joy of the Baltimore Birds, Brian Roberts, pulls an A-Rod and allows the Not Dead Dimitri Young to get on base. Ok, now JJ has my panties in a twist. LETS THROW A STRIKE AND GET THIS OVER WITH..........and just as I said that...Soriano drives a two-run bomb into right. I have to be up at 6 tomorrow morning, lets get this over with. And he deprived me of getting to see Dimitri run the bases. Nothing like watching a fat guy charge around the bases. Putz is pulled, and looks oddly shocked by the whole thing. K-Rod deserves a punch in the face, and I hope that Posada gives it to him.

The Climax That Is The Ninth Inning The American Leaguers are feelin' good, Papelboner just pitched a scoreless eighth and they're up by three with a nine-year record on the line. The Hoff takes the hill and Guillen leads off, nubbing a grounder to Orlando Hudson, who made a pretty sweet turnaround play. Roberts bounces out to first and it's up to Hip-Hip Jorge, who hits a two-bagger off the center field wall.

T-Nutts just about nailed himself in the face with a foul tip. Then he grounds out to end the inning. Are we gonna get to see Da Meat Hook in the home half?

Eighth's Rear Sorry, that Derek Jeter commercial. "I CAN HAZ STEEL??" Paps is on the mound. Paps has a wonderfully, whimsical way about him. Oh Tim, please, PLEASE stop sniffing the white out. Torii Hunter makes a Manny Ramirezesque play in the outfield. Chase Utley likes to fish, and loves dancing with Leah Remini at weddings. Perhaps he and Brady Quinn should hook up....Aaron Rowand whiffs on a steamer from the Papelboner. Torii Hunter almost blew two flying balls in a row. Tee hee.

On Top In The Eighth - we're almost there! You totally said balls. HA Ha! That little girl just got smashed in the face by her big brother. Atta boy. Mike Lowell leads off with a single off Billy Wagner before my Lumberjack pops out to Freddy Sanchez. You're killin' me, Justin. Grady for the Ladies strikes out swinging. Oh! Victor Martinez, in for Cytana, smokes a two-run shot just fair over the left field wall to give the AL a 3-run lead. Two out and Crawford grounds out to end the fun.

Rectum of the Seventh How refreshing that Paula Cole started shaving her pits. Anyone else remember that? Sooze's main man Johan Santana has taken the hill in San Fransisco for the AL. Some guy flew out. I wasn't paying attention to the TV because I was inhaling pizza and trying to get the vision of Paula Cole's nipples in HD out of my head. Alfonso Soriano strikes out looking. Reyes not speedy enough to beat the throw to first. Still 3-2, American League. No swearing or cop assaults with balls in this inning. Dammit. Hehehehehe. I said balls.

Tantra of the Seventh Tony La Russa needs a vodka tonic after that one. All kinds of replacements going on, hopefully you can see your favorite player at the plate sometime in the next three hours. Brian Roberts faces 37-year-old Takashi Saito and grounds out. Jorge Posada (why?) lines out to Lee at first and T-Nutts flies out to Soriano in left.

Seventh inning smoke/take a shot break... God Bless America.

Fanny of the Sixth Justin Verlander pitching, Beltran leads off the inning. That ridiculous piece of wall hands Beltran a triple on a silver platter. OOOO Ken Rosenthal with Derek Jeter. JeterJeterPumpkinEater always looks like a deer in the headlights to me. Griffey smacks a sac fly, Beltran scores. David Wright nails a broken bat single, and looks absolutely terrified, based on the view from Fox's Batter Crotch Shot Cam. Fox baptises Russel Martin Turtle from Entourage. Turtle then beans a cop with a foul ball, and then screams a VERY BAD WORD that rhymes with spit at the end of the inning. That's gotta violate some kind of FCC ordinance? Think Uncle Rupert and the White Power Bills at Fox will see some sort of fine? Most likely not. Swear words make Lizzy smile. 3-2 NL.

Top of the Sixth Inning Francisco Cordero is pretty tough. He forced A-Rod and Vlad to fly out, but Oh! What's this? A solo shot to Carl Crawford. The man has wheels and pipes. Tigers rep Carlos Guillen grounds out to end the inning. AL up by two. George Clooney, something tells me you're a little too cool for Budweiser commercial voice-overs.

Bottom of the fifth Ichiro and Manny. BFF!!!!!!!4EVA!!!. "Sometimes you catch the ball, and sometimes the ball catches you." Thank you, Tim. I really think that it might just be more fun to live blog the commentating. Joe Buck informs us that Eric Burns' dog is safe in the boat. Would someone please throw Eric Burns into the bay and see if he can find his way back? That would be something worth following over the game. Dagnabbit, no inside the park home runs during my inning. Although we had an equally as long and stupid interview with Tony LaRussa. Three up and down, A-Rod error count is still at one. 2-1 AL.

Top of the Fifth Inning Chris Young replaces Hamels on the mound and walks Brian Roberts to lead things off. Eric Byrnes, your dog is ugly, kinda like your lack of an All-Star uni. Oh my god, HE SMELLS THE BACON!!! What's that Byrnesy? You're from San Francisco? Ya don't say. Stop talking! Ichiro just hit an inside-the-park home run!!! Someone look that up on Elias, Buck can't find his glasses.

AL up by two, now. Make that the very first inside-the-parker in All-Star history. My Canadian Crusher donkey-punches one to Junior, who snatches it to end the inning.

Bottom of the fourth WILL EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT BARRY BONDS!!!! For the love of all that is holy, would it kill Tim McDoucheface and Joe "My IQ is 45" Buck please shut up about HGH, steroids, and placing their proverbial lips flat against the glistening cheeks of Barry Bonds? Yes. There were steroids in baseball. Let's get over it. BACK IN MY DAY, baseball announcers actually paid attention to the game, and maybe talked a little bit about what was actually going on the field, talked about stats. Now get off my lawn! Josh Beckett knocks them down in order. Probably because he was terrified that someone might hit a ball at E-Rod. Score remains the same.

Top of the Fourth Inning Hole Camels, the pride and joy of Philly, takes the mound for the NL and gives up a single to A-Rod, who steals second... just like his best pal Derek did during the commercial break. Vlad grounds out, Maggs grounds out, Barry Bonds wants to stick together. Pudge nails one into right-center and of all things, A-Rah gets greedy. He's tagged out at the plate by Junior's geriatric cannon: not even close. National League up by one taco.

Bottom of the third Alex Rodriguez blows a play at third. Go ahead kids, insert your own jokes there. Keep in mind, this is in San Fransisco. Jim Leyland talks like he has a mouth full of cotton. Joe Buck conducts the longest, and most pointless interview in "managerial interviews during baseball games" history. Josh Beckett retires Griffey on a "nasty" pitch. THAT WAS A NASTY PITCH. GO JUMP IN THE BAY, JOE BUCK. I hope there are sharks with lasers there waiting for you. End of the third, score remains the same. Dane Cook is a buffoon. THISSSS IS OURRRR COUNTRY.....

Top of the Third Inning Lizzy is officially half in the bag while Joe Buck is fondly recalling his flock of seagulls 'do from his 30s. Oh, wait... With the Brew Crew's Ben Sheets pitching, Placido Polanco and his misshapen head (that's the last time we'll mention that) grounds out to short. Manny Ramirez, in for A's righty Dan Haren, flies out to right. Ichiro is 2-for-2 now and Jeter lines one into center to start a two-out threat. Aww, Ortiz lines out to Griffey. Shut up, Dane Cook. The end.

American League 0, National League 1

Second Inning, the bottom Prince Fielder is a very robust man. "I don't care what you look like, but you gotta run to be able to hit an in the park home run." Thank you, Tim. Just like a walk is as good as a home run. That jackass makes me feel like a rocket scientist. OH A-ROD, gets another bat tossed at him again. Dougie Doughboy Mirabelli actually tossed some wood in bat form in A-Rod's direction at the last Sox Yankee game I went to. Hahahahha. Tossed some wood at A-Rod in SAN FRANSICO. I crack myself up. Chase Utley flies out. Miguel Cabrera is hitting. Who is he again anyway? Doesn't matter. He struck out. End of the 2nd. NL is up uno to zilch.

Top of the Second Inning With Brad Penny on the hill, Vlad the Impale-her (thanks Mel) leads off the second with a broken-bat groundout, one night after flexing his pythons at the Homer Derby. Mags and his All-Star hair fly out to Junior and Pudge promptly grounds out to Reyes at short. Nice and quick-like. We like that. AL still trails by one.

Bottom of the First Inning Jose Reyes hits a single blah blah. Barry Bonds deserves to be here. What planet are these two clowns living on anyway? People want to see Bonds succeed?....NOT. He pops out. One down. Well, at least Beltran wasn't just looking this time (sorry, Metsy). Griffey is too old to make that a double, and Reyes hauls some fanny and puts the NL on the board.

My future husband grounds out to short. David Wright in HD is something I can get used to. At the end of the 1st, it's 1-0 NL.

Top of the First Inning First, we'd like to give a big Thank You to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver for making our job so much easier this evening. Is this really Timmy's 16th broadcast? We're proud to have survived that many.

The NL Boys of Summer are looking to grab their first All-Star victory since the Nintendo 64 was launched in Japan. The year was 1996. Jake Peavy was fifteen.

Ichiro Suzuki, who is reportedly about to snatch a helluva deal from the Mariners, leads off with a base hit through the right side. Surprise! Derek Jeter, whose Driven cologne smells like victory, grounds into a double play. Jake Peavy stares down Big Papi for like, 5 minutes before Ortiz breaks his bat and reaches on a Prince Fielder schmuckfest. Luckily, A-Rod erased the memory by grounding into a forceout. No score.

Hmmm... it seems the soft touch of a woman has put Nibbles on the DL indefinitely. Some IT guy is on the way to save the day.

I can't believe we already broke the internets with our sassiness. Unreal. We're just going to keep going like all is well.

Seriously? We need an intro? Here we are Deadspinners, your hostesses for the Midsummer Classic. It may be confusing and a little frightening to see the Royal We used in its proper context this evening, but don't be afraid.

We promise not to paint the walls pink or put flowers in the bathroom. We'd rather not have anyone puke in their mouths, so the rock-hard physiques of our favorite players will absolutely not be discussed.

Sooze has decided she'd rather be on top, so she'll be recapping the top half of the innings, while Lizzy, who is more comfortable with the bottom, will take the bottom half innings.

So sit back, crack open a tasty (preferably alcoholic) beverage, and don't be afraid to stick it to us. We love it.

SI.com's Jon Heyman, who's almost always immediately on top of this stuff, says Selig will suck it up and make an appearance.

SI.com has learned that barring something unforeseen and drastic, Selig plans to be there when Bonds breaks the all-time home run record of Selig's longtime friend and Milwaukee mate Hank Aaron. While Selig's long-shot hope for the miracle to stop Bonds is all but extinguished, it's safe to assume that he wasn't shedding a tear over Bonds' me-first decision to skip out on his hometown Home Run Derby Monday night. However, word was that Bonds would have more seriously considered MLB's invitation had he gotten the clear idea that Selig really wanted him there through a personal invite. When Bonds' apparent interest in an engraved invite was relayed to someone with MLB, the MLB person said, too late, they've already got Matt Holiday to take his place.

While some say Hank Aaron's stance on this is wrong, we think it's probably a wise decision Selig bit the bullet and decided to show. Plus, it allows for the possibility that Selig, after the home run, will wave his arms in the air, call the whole thing a tie and send everybody home.

Mandatory Attendance [SI.com]

First: InDemand — which is the cable conglomerate of Comcast, Time Warner and Cox — announced yesterday afternoon that it had matched DirectTV's offer to MLB, which was all that was required of it. Yay! Baseball fans don't have to put a stupid dish on their roofs, if they're even allowed to. Justice! Then it took a little more than a hour for MLB to say, "No dice," claiming that the number of subscribers InDemand had to match was not a "number," per se, but a "percentage." And now ... well, now they're gonna fight it out a while.

We have to say, a little part of us, when word came from InDemand that they had matched the offer, thought, "MLB's gonna find something wrong with this deal." It has seemed clear from the beginning that MLB never had any intention of doing anything other than its exclusive deal with DirectTV and only tossed out the "matching" offer to combat public outrage. Thus, the shooting down of the deal yesterday; we would not be surprised if the MLB-DirectTV contract defined "matching" as "InDemand changing its name to DirectTV."

So, we're at an impasse. Next Tuesday, MLB and DirectTV are appearing before the Senate Commerce Committee to justify their deal, and we still have until March 31 for the clock to run out and MLB finally be able to claim that InDemand couldn't meet its terms on a deal the league never intended on them matching the first place.

Who loses? All of us, of course. We always do.

Baseball Lays Off Cable Operators' Deal [New York Times]