When Hurricane Ike rained on the party inside Minute Maid Park in Houston last weekend, Bud Selig infamously made the Astros play two games at a "neutral site", Milwaukee's Miller Park. As you can imagine, this was not well received in the Astros' clubhouse.

Houston, which had been red hot prior to Ike, promptly lost both games to the Cubs - one of which included a no-hitter by Carlos Zambrano - and has now fallen into a late season tailspin. Bud Selig then had the brilliant idea of taking out a full-page ad in the Houston Chronicle, and expressed "profound sorrow" for all that was lost in the storm.

The 'Stros weren't having any of it.

“Major League Baseball has always valued the dollar more than they do the individual, the players and their families,” Lance Berkman said. “That’s illustrated in things like playing through a lightning storm in Chicago (on Aug. 4)."

“The thing is we had days at the end of the season that we could have played a single game plus a doubleheader if need be,” Doug Brocail said. “And to make us go up and play at North Wrigley like we had to on no sleep, it was absolutely ridiculous. If it was New York or Boston, it would have been played at the end of the season. I truly believe that, and I think 99.9 percent of our teammates believe that. But no, we’re the Houston Astros.”

Looks like another tremendous moment for the Bud Selig Era.

With Selig, it’s all about money [Houston Chronicle]
'Profound Sorrow' of Selig Not Enough for Astros [The Sporting Blog]

If, as some are saying, Billy Crystal signing with the Yankees is making a mockery of baseball, then what do we make of Tommy Lasorda's return to the Dodgers? While Crystal is in danger of getting hurt in his one-game exhibition game stint on Thursday, Lasorda could very well keel over dead. I mean, just look at him; and remember that he's 80. I keep seeing that scene in The Godfather in which Vito Corelone falls over dead in the tomato garden (as Rafael Furcal chases him with the bug sprayer).

On Tuesday, Lasorda actually trundled out to argue a call. Heavens. Tim Brown of Yahoo Sports picks up the action: "And then Tommy Lasorda shot — well, slid — from that chair and charged — well, slogged — across the field, into the chest of that tall, angular and terribly misguided umpire. The overflow crowd stood and cheered while Lasorda, going on 12 years since a heart attack took him from the Dodgers' dugout, blew smoke and spittle in the general direction of Gary Cederstrom's neck, which just slayed the grinning umpire." I've always seen Lasorda as the Krusty the Klown of baseball, having long ago become a parody of himself. But this is just sad. And dangerous. Because when he finally does topple over, he may just begin rolling and never stop.

• Kaz Matsui Has Anal Fissures. Sorry, but I didn't know how to say it, so I just said it. As mentioned yesterday, from the Houston Chronicle: "Astros second baseman Kaz Matsui is expected to miss four or five days after being diagnosed with a condition known as anal fissure." And, AOL Fanhouse has done further research: "An anal fissure is an unnatural crack or tear in the anus skin. Various causes of this fissure include: Straining to defecate, especially if the stool is hard and dry; severe and chronic constipation; severe and chronic diarrhea; Crohn's disease and Ulcerative colitis; tight sphincter muscles; anal intercourse." I think it was a Deadspin commenter who coined the perfect term for this: "Ass Tectonics."

• Bud Selig Can Afford To Pick Up That Check. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig earned $14.5 million in baseball's latest fiscal year, according to Major League Baseball's tax return, which I obtained by opening certain filing cabinets with a brick. The best part: Selig received $140,603 for expenses. I'm pretty sure none of that was for clothing.

It's worth noting, of course, that this doesn't necessarily measure popularity; much of MLB's income has come from MLB.com, and the league's draconian measures to funnel all traffic and revenue in that direction. But baseball's setting new attendance records every year. Except, maybe, in Florida.

As we move on with our lives now that Barry Bonds has taken over the home run record — though we really can't move on, considering he's gonna keep playing — we look at the guy who has consistently looked worse than everybody else, Bonds included, this entire time. We're talking of course about Bud Selig.

SI.com's Jon Heyman, who's almost always immediately on top of this stuff, says Selig will suck it up and make an appearance.

SI.com has learned that barring something unforeseen and drastic, Selig plans to be there when Bonds breaks the all-time home run record of Selig's longtime friend and Milwaukee mate Hank Aaron. While Selig's long-shot hope for the miracle to stop Bonds is all but extinguished, it's safe to assume that he wasn't shedding a tear over Bonds' me-first decision to skip out on his hometown Home Run Derby Monday night. However, word was that Bonds would have more seriously considered MLB's invitation had he gotten the clear idea that Selig really wanted him there through a personal invite. When Bonds' apparent interest in an engraved invite was relayed to someone with MLB, the MLB person said, too late, they've already got Matt Holiday to take his place.

While some say Hank Aaron's stance on this is wrong, we think it's probably a wise decision Selig bit the bullet and decided to show. Plus, it allows for the possibility that Selig, after the home run, will wave his arms in the air, call the whole thing a tie and send everybody home.

Mandatory Attendance [SI.com]

First: InDemand — which is the cable conglomerate of Comcast, Time Warner and Cox — announced yesterday afternoon that it had matched DirectTV's offer to MLB, which was all that was required of it. Yay! Baseball fans don't have to put a stupid dish on their roofs, if they're even allowed to. Justice! Then it took a little more than a hour for MLB to say, "No dice," claiming that the number of subscribers InDemand had to match was not a "number," per se, but a "percentage." And now ... well, now they're gonna fight it out a while.

We have to say, a little part of us, when word came from InDemand that they had matched the offer, thought, "MLB's gonna find something wrong with this deal." It has seemed clear from the beginning that MLB never had any intention of doing anything other than its exclusive deal with DirectTV and only tossed out the "matching" offer to combat public outrage. Thus, the shooting down of the deal yesterday; we would not be surprised if the MLB-DirectTV contract defined "matching" as "InDemand changing its name to DirectTV."

So, we're at an impasse. Next Tuesday, MLB and DirectTV are appearing before the Senate Commerce Committee to justify their deal, and we still have until March 31 for the clock to run out and MLB finally be able to claim that InDemand couldn't meet its terms on a deal the league never intended on them matching the first place.

Who loses? All of us, of course. We always do.

Baseball Lays Off Cable Operators' Deal [New York Times]

Well, not exactly: The key piece of this is that annoying "Baseball Channel," which is currently something that does not exist. MLB rigged the deal so that whoever "matches" the DirectTV offer will have to carry that channel, which is asking quite a bit of a cable industry which lords those channel rights over everyone (it's the main power they have). MLB, essentially, set up a deal that's so heavily DirectTV-weighted that it would be foolish for the cable providers to "match" it, allowing MLB to say, "Listen, we gave them the offer, and they refused it!" And they still get to have what they wanted all along.

In the twisted logic of MLB, though, you almost have to be impressed by them. They've been so out of touch with their fans for so long that you're almost touched that they even noticed the screaming protests against the deal. Even if they (of course) just ignored them, at least they finally admitted they know we exist. Hey, with these guys, it's something.

Baseball Bends On TV Plan, But Doubts Linger [New York Times]
The Real Deal On "Extra Innings" [CNBC]

"I've heard for years we have too much product out there," Selig said.

"Everywhere I've gone ... there's no market that has less than 350 to 400 [televised] games, and some [like Chicago] have quite a bit more than that. We have an enormous amount of product out there.

"As for this deal, what fascinates me is I have spent a lot of time going over it and trying to find out who can't get [DirecTV].

"We're down now to such small numbers, that I'm really wondering [about the fuss].

"... In a year or two, when people understand the significance of this deal ... everybody will understand it."

Ohhhhhhh, okay. See, here's what's happening: You don't understand how awesome Bud Selig is, because you are a weak-minded bitch. The solution is simple. If you live in an apartment building where you can't have a dish, just move. If you get your cable TV and internet in one package deal, just cancel it. If you've got a 2-year contract with some other company, just eat the cost. See? Simple.

And if all of that fails, just quit whining, you little pansy, because you have 162 local market games at your disposal, and if your favorite team doesn't happen to be your local team, then you're a greedy jackass to begin with.

See, don't worry, fans. Bud has your back. Even if you are a pansy.

Bud Selig to Non-DirecTV Basball Fans... [Sports Frog]
Selig mocks foes of DirecTV deal [Chicago Tribune]

So, baseball's licking its wounds and moving on, right? Not a chance. They're appealing the decision, claiming, absurdly, that they truly own the statistics from their games. It's nice when a corporation is so open and blatant about pissing in the eye of its customers. Such forthrightness is almost appreciated.

Baseball Will Appeal Fantasy Decision [Associated Press]
Selig One Ballsy Guy [UmpBump]

(And yes, that is our current fantasy league standings. We are the Green Wave, and we are comfortably in first place. Thank you Adam Dunn, Alfonso Soriano, Jonathan Papelbon and Matt Holliday.)

We thought we'd help out anyone who might be strapped for questions.

• OK, how about this: Winning league in the All-Star Game has its players exempt from steroid testing for one year. You can thank me later.

• You and The Nutty Professor: seperated at birth?

• Could you come speak at my son's school? It's desperate, insane, in-way-over-their-heads leaders week (any day but Thursday; that's Kim Jong-il).

• So, the hope is that by awarding the All-Star Game to Pittsburgh, it will make them forget that, as a small-market team, they have no chance at a World Series?

• We saw you in Bermuda recently and ... black socks and dress shoes at the beach? Why doesn't this surprise us?

• We applaud the live audience concept for this chat, but isn't making us sign a loyalty oath to attend taking things too far?

• Joe Mikulik as manager of the Pirates. An idea whose time has come?

• Bud, since you've accomplished your most important goal during your tenure — to get Japan a World Baseball Classic trophy — wouldn't you say that your work here is done?

Commissioner Selig To Hold Live Chat [MLB.com]

(We'd love to hear your own after the jump.)

(By the way, we don't hate Selig as much as a lot of people do ... but we can confirm it is impossible to find a photo of him where he doesn't look like a complete doofus. We really tried.)

But is it? Seth Mnookin actually looks at truth telling record of Canseco, as compared to that of Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and, namely, Bud Selig, and finds that he's not the one with the history of credibility issues. And we continue to live in a world where a man who wears this shirt is the Pied Piper on the issue of doping in sport. The last honest man, Jose Canseco.

A Prophet Is Not Without Honor, Except In His Own Country [SethMnookin.com]
Jose Canseco Is Scaring The Children [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: OK, Canseco just asked for a trade from the Surf Dawgs AFTER ONE GAME. More on this later ... but what were we saying about a disreputable source?)

• Any threat made during professional wrestling.
• Bill O'Reilly saying that callers who misbehave on his show are going to "get a visit from Fox Security."
• Your mother slapping you lightly on the wrist for taking a cookie before dinner.
• Alex Rodriguez staring out at the mound, daring to sprint out there after a brushback.
• Don Quioxte attacking any fixed fortification.

Many other examples come to mind, such as Asa, the sleepy 90-year-old bank security guard on The Andy Griffith Show, but you get the idea. According to several sources, Selig is ready to announce that former Senate majority leader George Mitchell will lead an investigation into performance enhanching substance abuse in baseball, with Bonds the guest of honor. (Mitchell is a part-owner of the Red Sox, by the way). Selig's motivations are clear: Bonds is closing in on two hallowed baseball records, and sponsors are getting nervous. With those factors bearing down on him, Selig has to look like he's doing something. But it's a toothless, futile gesture. First of all, it would seem any investigation would have to be so wide-ranging that Bonds could either surpass Ruth and Aaron or retire before it can be completed. And secondly: We're still talking about Selig here; we still imagine his VCR flashing 12:00 as he looks on in frustration.

As usual, Pedro Gomez is all over this story, informing us that Bonds has no comment at this time.

'Roid Probe is Ready [New York Daily News]
Everybody Hates Barry, Even Pepsi [Deadspin]
Baseball to Open Steroids Inquiry [SF Gate]

Right now, it looks like the corporate sponsors are shying away, big time. Bank of America, one of MLB's biggest sponsors, says it wants no part of it. "We are longtime partners of baseball, and with their perception on drugs, I could stand on the roof and scream that this issue has to get resolved," said BofA's Cathy Bessant said at a Sports Business Journal conference yesterday. "Baseball has got to get the perception of drugs out of the sport. It matters. Cheating matters. It isn't OK to cork a bat. Cheaters shouldn't prosper."

Ignoring the irony amusing notion, for the moment, of someone in the financial services industry lecturing anyone on cheating, the reluctance — particularly in lieu of the news that MLB does plan on celebrating Bonds' achievement, if it happens — leads to an considerably bizarre situation. Remember those Mastercard ads after the Red Sox won the World Series? Think anyone will buy an ad against Bonds if he breaks the record? Even PepsiCo says its reaction to Bonds breaking the record will be "muted." Do you know how hard it is to get Pepsi to take a stance against you? They hired Jay Mohr!

Sponsors To Sit Out HR Victory By Bonds [Chicago Tribune]
MLB To Formally Celebrate If Bonds Passes Aaron [ESPN]

With sneak previews circulating and juicy details leaking out, the book has already moved into the top 10 on both Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com. A first printing of 50,000 has been increased to 197,000, prompting the publisher, Gotham Books, to move up the book s original March 27 publication date to March 23, according to the Associated Press. OK, these aren't Harry Potter numbers by any means, but it looks like the authors definitely have a hit on their hands. Among the eager fans awaiting the book's arrival is commissioner Bud Selig, who, based on the excerpts he's already seen, is considering suspending Bonds, according to the Chicago Tribune. We imagine Selig camping out all night at the book store to be first in line to buy it, then rushing home with his copy to get into his pajamas and read it all in one night.

You know what we say — anything that gets kids excited about reading is a good thing.

Suspension In Works? [Chicago Tribune]
Game Of Shadows [Amazon.com]

"(Barry Bonds should) be a man and come out and say that he did [use steroids]. Don't hide behind the uniform. Don't hide behind the players association. If you're guilty and you got caught, come clean. I think he'd get a lot more respect from people than lying. Unknowingly took 'roids? I know everything I've done. If I'm going to do something to my body, I know what's going in. I'm not going to let someone put a needle in me, not knowing what's in that needle. That's a joke."

"Bud Selig needs to resign. That's what he needs to do. He needs to resign and bring someone in who's capable of communicating with the players association and the owners, as well as the players, because there's so much hatred against Bud right now. It's a joke. Nobody likes him. [Selig] worries about what people say about him and he Googles himself. I'm sure he's going to Google [his name] tomorrow and say, 'Oh, there's Dave talking about me.' You know what? Be a man of your words. He's ducked me for two years."

We had always though of Selig as kind of goofball — sort of like Bill Gates without the brains. But when stuff like this happens, we get a clearer picture. Witness Selig's quote to the Associated Press concerning the sign incident:

I will tell you that I am as confident as ever, that someday, long after I m gone obviously, this will have been the first crucial step in the absolutely tremendous internationalization of this sport. At some point in life, you ve got to rise above your own selfish interest. If this sport is to go to the heights we have to do, you can t let your own myopic interest guide you.

And just then, a huge metal hatch opens above his head and we see a giant missile pointed toward the U.S. Yes, that is evil super genius monologuing if we've ever heard it. If the reporter had let his tape recorder run a little longer, we're certain we would have heard: "We're really not so different, are we Mr. Bond?"

Bud To Yanks: It's a Bad Sign [New York Daily News]

Today, if you type the phrase "National Disgrace" into Google, guess whose official MLB profile comes up? As one of the perpetrators put it, "not as amusing as getting him under the phrase 'No Penis,' but still an accomplishment of sorts."

And yes, yes, we know, when you "failure" into Google, President Bush's bio comes up. And when you search "No Penis," just out of curiosity? Disturbing stories arise.

"National Disgrace" [Google Search]

So, in other words, Bud Selig has unleashed his inner David Stern and crushed the union before John McCain could crush them both. We're very impressed, Bud. Right now, Matt Lawton is thanking his lucky stars and purple clovers that he got busted just in time.

Baseball, Union Agree To Tougher Policy [Newsday]
The Matt Lawton Story: A Timeline [Deadspin]

Then we realized it was a typo. Whew.

Fox News [Official Site]

11:13: McCain s going after Fehr, accusing him and the players of living in a "rarified atmosphere" and not understanding this is an "issue of transcendent importance." Fehr stares at him with the that look of a bratty kid waiting for the principal to stop yelling at him. Bud Selig is trying to hide a smug grin, and failing.

11:34: Sorry, we just spent 20 minutes mesmerized by these hearings in High Definition. (It s like you re really there!) We just heard Tagliabue say, "It was the girlfriend who put the ephedra in my beer." That was kind of weird. We should have been paying closer attention.

11:40: A Senator just asked Don Fehr, "Why can t you be more like Gene Upshaw?" We have so many different answers to that question, we don t know where to start.

12:03: Hank Aaron actually just smirked himself when a Senator said, "They should have an Rx rather than an asterisk next to a certain individual s record if he breaks Hank Aaron s record."

12:04: Wow, they wrapped up quick. Good. That s the longest we've ever watched ESPN News without having to cleanse our mouth with ipecac. So Don Fehr says he expects baseball to have its full steroid plan done by the end of the World Series. That s a about a month. Good luck.

10:25: The four people backing up commissioner Bud Selig today are, to say the least, an improvement on the last bunch of jokers he brought with him. Hank Aaron leads it off: "I think that we need to be concerned about our young people because they re the future of this country, and if we don t protect them, we ll have no future." Which is totally true.

10:28: Lou Brock follows up. (Our mom played golf with him once, by the way.) He s wearing a very bright tie. Ernie Broglio must have not gotten his invite. Ryne Sandberg is here right now; the dude has no hair. You know he s just licking his chops to pour a little more poop onto the carcass of Rafael Palmeiro. Giving mustache rides to a guy s wife, it ll give one a grudge.

10:31: You know, Robin Roberts looks totally different than she does on "Good Morning America." What can t those makeup people do?

10:45: Hey, we never realized Don Fehr was an albino.

10:51: Paul Tagliabue just looks happy not to be talking about Janet Jackson, frankly. Does he kind of look like Deputy Dawg to anybody else? Just us?

11:07: In the middle of NHL commissioner Gary Bettman s opening remarks, ESPN News cuts back to the studio and then to a commercial break. This is what happens when the Outdoor Life Network isn t showing the hearings.

10:05: John McCain is speaking. We can never figure out if he d rather be President or some kind of Czar of Sports. He just bemoaned steroids "terrible attraction" to youth. Loved that "Terrible Attraction" movie; it was a passion that was too dangerous and too powerful to resist.

10:13: There s the first wistful, posturing anecdoate about "watching baseball when I was kid" from a Congressman, from Sen. Gordon Smith (R-Ore.). We re surprised it took this long. We re guessing there will be at least 46 today.

10:15: Sen. George Allen (R-Virg.): "As a pup growing up, I loved Johnny Unitas and Roman Gabriel " Sigh. He did just inexplicably name-check Cadillac Williams, though.

10:19: One of the Senators pointed out that some members will occasionally have to leave to go "to meetings involving Hurricane Katrina, terrorism and other matters." Which is nice, that they remember other minor quibbles while discussing this issue of major national security interest.

• Fascinating to watch Sammy Sosa suddenly struggle with english and Mark McGwire struggle with any moment of time that might have proceeded the exact moment he was speaking,
• Scary to watch Bud Selig think, "You know what? Eff this. I should have stayed a car salesman."
• Befuddling to watch the MLS Commissioner wonder why the hell he was there.

Now that we have a union-MLB fight about steroid suspensions preceding tomorrow's next round of Congress/Commissioners Gladiators, we can't help but get revved back up again. Sure, it will mostly be old white men speechifying in front of people who they'll surely be begging for tickets as soon as the cameras are off, but isn't that the fun of it? Who doesn't get tired of Congressional steroid hearings? Who's with us?

Congress Ready To Play Hardball [KC Star]
Union Offers Harsher Bans [NY Daily News]

Dear Merritt,
In response to your written request, dated September 9, 2005, we gladly grant you permission to use the tape of the 1995 Seattle Mariners Game 5 win over the New York Yankees at your house party.
Best regards,
Nick Trotta
Footage Licensing Coordinator
Major League Baseball Productions

That put a smile on our face.

Permission Slip [Seattle Post-Intelligencer] (PDF)

Best part: The interview with Bon Jovi, conducted by Mark Newman, MLB.com's Lester Bangs.

MLB.com: It's never really about 20, 15 or 10 years ago for Bon Jovi. It is always about right now, that connection you are making at that moment with a new audience in an arena or a new person downloading your music through MLB.com now. Isn't that how you are able to keep the magic alive in your music?

Jon Bon Jovi: Fortunately for us, that is true. It's always looking ahead at what memories there are there to make tomorrow.

"Keeping the magic alive" on MLB.com. Bon Jovi is so goddamned cool, and we're not even kidding.

Pre-Order "Have A Nice Day" [MLB.com]
Bon Jovi Interview [MLB.com]

OLN would almost certainly have to overpay wildly to get the rights, but that's usually how these new networks work. We imagine Bud Selig, however, to just be touched that, for once, MLB is the prettiest girl at the ball. Well, not the prettiest, but at least the one those who have given up on bedding the cheerleader are going after.

OLN Could Be Looking To Add Baseball, Lacrosse [Philly.com]

"I met [yesterday] with Major League Baseball and the Players Association and was happy to have the chance to answer questions about my press conference [Monday] and to learn more about the drug-testing program and on-field disciplinary suspensions," Wells said in a statement released through the players' union.

"Now that I have had this opportunity to sit down and discuss the issues, I better understand the procedures that go with steroid testing. I now know that neither Bud Selig nor anyone else delayed the [Rafael] Palmeiro case and that the Commissioner's Office has worked with the union to improve the steroid policy."

"On-field disciplinary suspensions." "Understand the procedures." "Have had this opportunity." Yeah, totally sounds like David Wells.

Wells Plays Nice [Boston.com]
Wells Gets Detention [Deadspin]

Oh, and we don't think Wells is going to bring Sammy Hagar to the meeting ... but wouldn't it be cool if he did?

Baseball Office Wants Word With Wells In Person [Boston.com]

Choice quotes:

"I don't know what the point was even having a hearing. They said I clearly bumped him and sprayed him with spit. That's coming from a guy that works for the commissioner, so what can you do?"

"I've been tested [for steroids] three times this year, but it's obvious that there's guys getting away with doing it," Wells said. "And he's not doing a thing."

"In the Palmeiro case . . . from what I understand from a few sources, (Selig) said, 'Let's just wait until the Hall of Fame (induction) is over and then we'll suspend (him).' That's what I heard," Wells said. "He probably did it because he didn't want the Hall of Famers or electees to have to answer questions about steroids because its a distraction."

We were all thinking the same thing, obviously ... but Bud Selig isn't our boss.

Appeal Is Upheld; Wells Is Irate [Boston Globe]

The Day Of Rumor Reckoning [Deadspin]
Damon And Clemens On Steroids? [Juice News Daily]

Internet Fertile Ground For Steroid Rumors [Baltimore Sun]
Rumors Spread Via Blog [The Sports Frog]

1. Paid by MLB.
2. Go to offices in buildings owned by either MLB or individual teams.
3. Answer to bosses who answer to bosses who ultimately answer to Bud Selig.

Yet, MLB.com still maintains the illusion that the "journalists" who cover the teams are dispassionate and unbiased; real beat reporters, rather than, say, PR hacks. The main way they try to convince us: The tagline on every story, which reads, "This story was not subject to the approval of Major League Baseball or its clubs." This has always been a rubber-stamp template that's meaningless. Now we have proof.

MLB's site today runs a letter from commissioner Bud Selig addressed directly to fans. It's the usual prattle; we want to clean up the game, we care about you, please keep stuffing the dollars in the G-strings, don't you have anything larger than a five, so on. But sure enough, at the end of the story, there it is: "This story was not subject to the approval of Major League Baseball or its clubs."

This is a letter directly from the commissioner. Heavens, if he didn't approve it, who did? God? (David Stern?)

Selig Outlines Testing Goals [MLB.com]

Well, something this dorky is simply too much for Major League Baseball to resist. For the July 9 All-Star Game in Detroit, MLB is going to have a red carpet outside Comerica Park to try to create an "Oscar-style atmosphere." All the players will be shuttled to the park in Chevrolet vans. This is absolutely true. We mean, who doesn't want to see Bobby Abreu escorted to a park in Detroit in a Lumina? That's glamour, ladies and gents.

All-Star Jones [Sports Business Daily] (subscription required)
The ESPYs [ESPN]