I hereby dub 2008 as the Year of the Lesbianic Sports Kiss. This truly is a Golden Age, is it not? More photos, including the windup and the pitch, right here.

Wonder if these girls later adjourned to the 300 level women's restroom?

Happy Hour, Last Call [Sparty And Friends]

With staph infections running rampant in the NFL these days, it's nice of random fans to warn us of potential hazards. That's a rather nasty case of it under that Browns supporter's hat, apparently. Stay away from that area, Kellen Winslow!

Plus, I'm not sure which Teletubby that is there, but we'll call him Brady in honor of Mr. Quinn's first victory as Browns' starting quarterback. The Bills lost when Ryan Lindell missed a 47-yard field goal attempt wide right in the waning seconds. Um, 47 yards, wide right, Bills ... that kind of sounds familiar. Well played, Browns ... now hit the showers! But um, use lots of soap.

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

11:55 — The Browns kneel down on the final play, as if they quit.

I have nothing else to say tonight, other than if these teams were any better and/or in bigger markets, it'd be the talk of the town tomorrow morning. Instead, the Great Lakes area will get to embrace this game as their own. See everyone next liveblog, except for those who don't pay their cable bill.

11:52 — Once Buffalo finds out that MNF mentioned Scott Norwood before this kick, they're probably going to write several angry letters to ESPN. Did I mention the letters will be frozen solid and without personality? The 46-yard miss gives the Browns the win, avoiding another 13-point blown lead. Aww, too bad.

11:52 — Lynch runs. Browns call ... your mom.

11:51 — Lynch runs. Browns call timeout.

11:50 — Lynch runs. Browns call timeout.

11:49 — Jaws: "You don't have to get all this in one throw." But what if he does? Edwards zings it to the 35-yard line and now Lindell has the chance to win the game. Cue the footage of Lindell making FGs this long before the game. Ah, right on schedule.

11:48 — With 1:33 left, the Bills need to goal the field themselves. And in the Thanksgiving spirit, the Browns brought with them from the Cuyahoga a plump turkey, stuffing, and great field position on the kickoff. Buffalo's on the 44-yard line.

11:46 — Cue the footage of kickers teeing off before the game ... now cue the footage of the kicker pulling it right ... hey! Who gave Dawson the ability to nail that one? The 56-yarder inches the Browns ahead by two. MORE FIELD GOALS.

29 27

11:45 — Second and third down weren't much better either. Dawson needs to blast it from a semi-wind-aided 56 yards away.

11:44 — And now for the two-minute drill ... an auspicious start as it rattles in the arms of the Bills' Leodis McKelvin and drops to the ground.

11:41 — How was Quinn not sacked? (A: Nobody hit him.) Quinn to Winslow brings a warning that only two minutes remain in the game. The National Weather Service has not yet downgraded this to a Two Minute Watch.

11:39 — Cribbs gives the Browns a 33-yard line of possession. 2:17 left.

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #4
A 10-minute, sudden death, 7-on-7, no punts or field goals, no timeouts, no clock stoppage session of football. But the real twist is that the game will have already been declared a tie after four quarters, but since the players don't know that, and seem to do whatever the coaches say, it'll make for quite the exciting session of football and subsequent hilarious post-game conference.

11:37 — The Browns let them score.

26 27

11:36 — There's 2:35 left in the game. Maybe the Browns should just let them score.

11:35 — Now it's Marshawn Lynch's turn to run through the Brownsicles and dive for the endzone. He's ruled down at the one. Ew. "Brownsicle."

11:33 — The Williams have five minutes to touch it down. They're already past midfield.

11:31 — Do you like incompletions to Braylon Edwards that were well covered? Because we have two in a row for you! Act now, operators are standing by. Well, some are.

11:25 — Interception .. this time by the non-Trent Edwards developing quarterback. Ko Simpson dives gracefully and picks that shit off Quinn's arm. OR DID I JUST LIE TO YOU? Replays show the ball might've hit the ground between his arms. Cleveland's challenge is successful and the pass is just incomplete, and Trent Edwards is the only goat who throws picks in this game. Quinn is perfect, glimmering, and ... I shouldn't be having these feelings inside me right now.

11:21 — Great Moments In Punting History: Cribbs fair catching Moorman's kick will not be one of them. It was just meh.

11:19 — Great Moments In Obscure Stat History. Apparently a Stanford quarterback has never thrown a touchdown pass to a Cal-Berkeley player in the NFL, Tirico notes. (Kornheiser: "EVER!?!?!") If Edwards can dump one off to Lynch, that trend will end.

11:16 — Trying to prevent a huge gain by McKelvin, they pop up the kickoff and Fred Jackson returns it to the 40-yard line. Field position crisis averted!

11:13 — A point blank shot by Phil Dawson gives 'em a two-field goal lead.

26 20

11:12 — You felt this happening deep in your pancreas. Fourth and goal.

11:10 — And a nation outside of Cleveland is finally finding out who this Jerome Harrison guy is. He already has a career high in rushing yards (80) and gets a 21-yard catch down the sideline.

11:07 — Oh my. Kawika Mitchell pushes Harrison out of bounds and into a bench. Harrison stayed on the ground for a while, and Mitchell brings the flagginess for 15 yards. Thing is, replays show Harrison was still in bounds when the shove occurred. Per rule, Dwyane Wade will get two free throws.

11:07 — And back to incomplete passes by Brady Quinn. BOR-RING.

11:06 — Actually, the referees correct the kickoff play and since it went out of bounds at the 43-yard line, the ball will be placed there. Three yards of gain already and the ball hasn't been touched yet.

11:05 — That's not a touchdown. That's a kickoff out of bounds, which puts the ball at the 40-yard line. It also is currently the worst yardage gain by the Browns so far in the fourth.

11:02 — Sweet Klondike madness. Everybody is running great distances except for me. Leodis McKelvin responds to the 72-yard KO punch with a left hook of his own in the form of a kickoff TD. Two plays this quarter, two touchdowns. If this keeps up, we're looking at a 113-110 final score, which I can safely say will probably happen.

23 20

10:58 — Mildly ... unexpected. Backup back Jerome Harrison bursts through a bunch of Billsicles for 72 yards and a safe 10-point lead.

23 13

Third Quarter

10:56 — Romeo Crennel's mustache looks over-trimmed. Did anyone tell him this? Or is he just such a players' coach that nobody has the heart to tell him it doesn't look as venerable.

10:52 — Tirico: "No team has ever blown three straight 13-point leads." Go, history, go!

10:49 — Field goals just RULE. They should change the rules so that nothing but field goals can be scored. Lindell brings the Bills to within ... ANOTHER FIELD GOAL.

16 13

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #3
Final Jeopardy. Category: "Innovations In Nanotechnology." All part of a plan to make tiebreakers shorter than if the category was "NFL Rules." Also, players answering the question must wager Madden Rating points in next year's video game.

10:44 — I'm going to mark down "Tony Tries To Find Something Jaws Doesn't Know About Football" as Kornheiser poses the thought that a quarterback can have "too much time" in the pocket. (It didn't work, as you can tell.)

10:42 — It's too cold for anyone to slide feet first, it seems. Edwards scrambles down the middle and gets whumped. But it doesn't count, as offsetting penalties replay the down. Which means Edwards doesn't have a huge throbbing pain in his head right now. It didn't happen.

10:41 — I'm no lip-reader, but I'm pretty sure the field mic just picked up an errant "fucking horseshit" on that kick return.

10:37 — Just when Jaworski says anything disapproving or commending of either quarterback, either QB seems to negate the analysis and do the opposite ting in the next set of downs. Case in point, after a huge pass to Edwards near the 20-yard line, Quinn got his team into a 3rd and 17 hole, so they salvage a field goal.

16 10

10:34 — It sure was nice of Comcast to show the same James Bond commercial twice in a row.

10:30 — Quinn, with ample tracts of land ahead of him, runs for the first down, and gets out of bounds in the Bills sideline. He'll come to learn as a quarterback that you'll last longer if you run toward your own sideline.

10:26 — Interception by the Brow... wait, fumble? I didn't know there was another method of turnover that Buffalo was capable of. Shaun Smith's injury replacement Ahtyba Rubin jumps on the dropped ball.

10:24 — Shaun Smith was the injured Brown, adding him to the triage list with Sean Jones, who was hurt earlier. This leaves Shaun Rogers as the first string Shaun on the team. And, aw what the hell, why not throw in a fat joke. He's also the team's second-string Shaun.

10:23 — This injury timeout reminds me the decapitation rate in this game seems to be considerably lower than other MNF games.

10:17 — On third down, Winslow with a huge if-there-was-no-penalty-that'd-be-a-first-down catch.

10:15 — And we're back to action. Both quarterbacks are shaky, and Michel Tafoya stands on a sideline with a microphone to say this through the coach's words. Also, Mike Tirico uses the rosiness of Tafoya's nose to determine the weather on the field. He also uses the same tactic in the bedroom. Rawr.

Halftime Entertainment Video

If only this clip was the origin of the idiom "walking on eggshells." It is, however, the origin of "they'll put anyone on TV."

Old Man Jumps On Eggs Without Breaking Them - Watch more Free Videos

"Oh yes, it's definitely been jumped on." My goal tomorrow is to use that line, WITH the affected accent, in conversation without arousing suspicion.

Second Quarter

9:59 — Well then. It's almost like Edwards wanted the clock to run out. I mean, that's good protection by the offensive line, but ... how about giving the field goal a chance? He finally throws the ball out of bounds with three seconds left, giving Rian Lindell three more points on his resume to end the half.

13 10

9:57 — Hmm. Edwards got some yards, but running up the middle for 4 yards probably isn't the smartest call right now. He also hesitates to call a timeout, because, well, maybe there's a better option with 15 seconds left in the first half and the clock running. Like punt.

9:55 — Lynch dives for the outlet pass, gets back up and scrambles to the sideline for the first down, stopping the clock with :30 left.

9:54 — WILDCAT FORMATION. What iPhones are to bloggers, Wildcat is to NFL offenses. It's new, and because it's new it's better than everything else.

9:53 — The Bills have two minutes and about 30 yards to get some kind of pointage. Running it with Marshawn Lynch ... good idea, but not right now. They might have to use the forward pass now.

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #2
Penalty kicks. Kickers alternate making field goals starting at 30 yards and adding five yards every time. In the event both kickers make a 60 yard field goal, the kickers meet at midfield and have declare a thumb war.

9:49 — There's a raging debate on what the meaning of the word "quit" is, and whether or not the Browns fit that description. Might I remind everyone, the Browns lead a football game by six points on the road against a team with a winning record.

9:40 — Apple pie à la Beast Mode. The short pass turns into a moderately-long touchdown, and it's no longer an icy blowout.

13 7

9:39 — Unfortunately, Kornheiser said what I was thinking, only I couldn't make it into a joke, but he up 'n went with the "Coe-Ed" angle.

9:38 — Solid run by Coe College's Fred Jackson. Those MNF guys really like saying Coe College. Coe College. Hey, that is fun!

9:36 — SPORTSCENTERNEWSDESK UPDATE. In case you were hiding in your Avian flu bunker all day, Mark Cuban is being investigated for insider trading. Then again, is it REALLY privileged information that a search engine not named Google or Yahoo would quickly tank?

9:33 — Finally, a quarterback for the Browns scores a touchdown in this game. No, not that one. Endaround to The Pride Of Kent State, Josh Cribbs, is good for a 2-yard TD.

13 0

9:30 — Also, Jamal Lewis runs well even today. Didn't know that.

9:26 — Stop the snark, everyone. Quinn is leading these dudes downfield quite well. A photon laser to Braylon Edwards puts the ball on the good 32-yard line.

9:23 — Finally, the Browns got themselves a third down. And all it took was a penalty on the Bills' secondary. Really, this game's just about seeing who fucks up less. Maybe the Browns would be wise to just kneel thrice and punt.

9:22 — Jeez, the Browns sure know how to reach third down quickly. (It's one of their positives.)

First Quarter

9:19 — Great coffin punt by Moorman to pin the ball inside the 5-yard line. Really, if the team was just Moorman punting to McKelvin, they'd be down by fewer points right now. Also, see if you can spot the difference, Tony K.: George Catavalous, defensive backs coach. George Costanza, freelance architect.

9:18 — Well, that incompletion wasn't Edwards' fault. But it's less fun if we don't have a scapegoat.

9:16 — I kid Trent Edwards, but he no longer has more interceptions than he does completions. Because now, they're the same number (three).

9:16 — Leodis McKelvin gets another solid return. Maybe he should just line up at quarterback. Might as well.

9:14 — Another field goal for Cleveland, because getting a touchdown would be silly and rude.

6 0

9:12 — Mr. Owl, how many interceptions does it take to get a Tootsie quarterback benched?

(Brandon McDonald got this one.)

9:11 — Buffalo takes a 30-second timeout. They have 30-second timeouts? That'll be confusing if they have those in the playoffs.

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #1
Teams line up at midfield, and whichever referee blew the worst call the week before will flip a coin in the air, and the home team captain must call it in the air. Whoever wins the toss gets to pick which team wins and loses. The other team picks what side of the field they want to defend.

9:06 — Gak. Coming out of commercial, the camera found a the shirtless Buffalo fan who painted a Bills logo on his chest, then emptied out the last few drops of his shame by brandishing "ESPN" in red letters (catsup, most likely) on his belly. Don't ask where the "Sportscenter is Next" tattoo resides.

9:03 — Brian Moorman generously kicks the ball to the other team. So much for running the ball all the time. Shaun Rogers is just too fat for that to work.

9:02 — Could just be my cable feed, but during every play it sounds like someone is banging a screen door with a rubber mallet.

9:00 — As Kornheiser brings up Edwards' concussion, the evidence on the field contradicts the argument that his dinged up head is the reason for the two early picks. Clearly he's thinking soundly by handing the ball to Marshawn Lynch, preventing more interceptions. First down.

8:58 — Third and nope. The points are going to have to spring from Phil Dawson's kickin' loins.

3 0

8:52 — Quinn isn't gonna be anyone's whipping boy, he'll just bootleg that sucker to the right for a first down ... of course, Jaworski recommends that Quinn slide feet first, but that's something he'll quickly learn once Rodney Harrison disciples award Quinn his first NFL concussion sometime in 2009.

8:49 — Andra Davis gets in on the interception gangbang. Receptions by the Browns defense: 2. Receptions by the Bills offense: 1.

8:47 — Sure was nice of Willie McGinest to tackle Edwards forward for a yard.

8:44 — Brady Quinn sneaks an incomplete pass into the Browns first three-and-out, which is hopefully enough to subside the analysts ready to scrutinize his development.

8:42 — The Bills start with a good kickoff return, but felt they didn't deserve such nice field position, so Trent Edwards threw the ball into Shaun Rogers' hands, and it deflected into the gullet of an alert Kamerion Wimbley.

8:33 — Kornheiser: "Derek Anderson's QB rating was so low, if it was his body temperature, he'd be dead!" Either that or he'd have to marry this woman.

8:29 — The can't-get-a-football-job-anywhere-else guys in ESPN have made their predictions. It's almost a consensus pick for Buffalo, except for Keyshawn Johnson, who picked Cleveland because Ditka picked Buffalo. It's tough to argue that logic.

Pre-Game Babble

So Brady Quinn gets another start at night. Playing under the lights might be all he'll understand. Once he gets into the 1:00 fustercluck of games, and ESPN doesn't converge mob-style on his emergence as an NFL passer, perhaps he shrivels like a delicate flower and Tim Couchifies right on schedule.

Meanwhile, Buffalo is 5-4 and yet in last place in the AFC East by very little. A win puts them in 6-4, tied with New England and Miami, and one game behind the New Amsterdam Jets. Everybody's equal? I didn't sign up for no Animal Farm metaphor. Parity is only fun when you're playing Mario Kart and all the computer players keep beating each other and you can finish third all the time and still win the gold.

Also, it's cold in Buffalo tonight, which is urgent news. In preparation for being one with the common Buffalo fan, I will ice down my nipples after each change of possession.

Let's Fix The Tie Rule Tonight

If you've watched any TV or listened to any TV-less radio today, you will realize that the tie rule in the NFL is a travesty upon humanity and must be abolished immediately, because our ancestors sailed away from Europe for this very reason. True story. Someone must win or lose all the time. Even if both teams played great and the announcer says "you hate to see someone lose this game," the announcer is wrong and probably a dirty Welshman. Therefore, to do our part to stay part of North America, stay tuned throughout the live blog as we provide new and fun alternatives for breaking ties in the National Football League.

Tonight's Bingo Card

There is one silver lining to Buffalo's Cinderella season slowly falling apart to the point that the Bills now might miss the playoffs. I am not allowed to mention it, but if you rack your brains, you will figure it out. Think about the insufferable way that Oprah attached herself to Obama, and you will be getting warm.

And this is Alterman's response:

I'll assume for now that this is a dig at Simmons' ESPN colleague, Berman, which is only further proof of anti-Bills bias at that network. It has hired two former members of the 1990s Dallas Cowboys, Michael Irvin and Emmitt Smith, both of which openly root for their old team on the air; Smith even served as spokesperson for his old team when a (very) critical book was written. Such criticism is especially ironic coming from Simmons, one of the biggest jock-washers for the New England Patriots in the mainstream sports media. But profess fanship for the Bills? Tsk tsk, how insufferable...

To be fair, maybe Simmons was talking about Luke Russert...

ESPN.com's Bill Simmons writes... [Media Matters]

The call came out early in the third quarter Sunday to investigate numerous complaints of a commotion in a ladies’ restroom across from Section 336 in Ralph Wilson Stadium.

It didn’t take security officers long to figure out the cause of what police later called a “public disturbance” in the restroom.

A woman, law enforcement officials said Monday, was having sex with her boyfriend in a bathroom stall.

The boyfriend also managed to slip a resisting arrest charge in there, which just adds a whole other level of class to the situation. Hey, the beer-soaked heart wants what it wants.

• "'Disturbance’ at Ralph was couple having sex in ladies' restroom" [Buffalo News, via]

This year, the previews will be a little shorter, but will hopefully give us enough of a taste so that, come fall, we'll all be officially sick of previews.

Yoni Brenner is a screenwriter and writes humor for The New Yorker and The New York Times. He's currently working on "Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs," which comes out July, 2009.

To say that the 2008 Buffalo Bills have flown under the radar this off-season is misleading on two counts: 1., it suggests that there has been any "radar" directed toward Western New York to fly under, and 2., it suggests that the Bills are still from Buffalo.

Yes, for those of you not held hostage by the obscure motives and delicate body-chemistry of the Bills' 89 year-old owner Ralph Wilson (A.K.A. Father Time A.K.A. Mr. Burns A.K.A. Im-hotep), the Bills have agreed to a $78 million deal to play eight games over the next five years in Toronto, including this November 30th against Miami. That's right, Miami at Buffalo, late November…climate-controlled. For shame! Ralph Wilson is rolling over in his grave. Wait!—no—false alarm.

Anyway, despite a catchy tag-line ("The 2008 Bills: Now with 13% less Buffalo!"), the whole thing makes me a little queasy. How soon before the "Shout!" song is supplanted by Gordon Lightfoot? How soon before Trent Edwards is required to call audibles in English and French? How soon before the locker room is riven by differing viewpoints on the War of 1812? It's sort of like your girlfriend announcing that she's going to spend a couple nights a week at this handsome, rich guy's bachelor pad—let's call him, I don't know, Pierre. But don't worry! It won't affect your relationship at all. In fact, as she tells it, the intermittent Pierre-boffing is actually going to make your relationship stronger.

Well, what can you do. Here's to hoping that Toronto is just the gay best friend. They can shop, and check out the latest Chihuly exhibit, but when the lights go down and passions rise and the Bills need a town to make them feel like a woman…well…uh…I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this.

But Pierre and Ralph and Gordon Lightfoot aside, here's the good news: the 2008 Buffalo Bills look really, really, not-bad.

First of all, let's remember: the 2007 Bills were really not-bad either. Considering a Book of Job-like spate of injuries and a season-spanning QB controversy—not to mention the NFL's most difficult schedule—the Bills had no business going 7-9. (Also remember: subtract a Jason Elam fire-drill, or an onside fluke in Dallas, or a blizzard in Cleveland, and they could have made playoffs!) Dick Juaron coached the hell out of the Bills last year; and while off-season moves didn't grab headlines, they should make an overachieving team significantly better.

First priority was to get size on the defensive line, and although management failed to reach terms with that 30-foot animatronic Jason Taylor, they did sign sometime star and full time behemoth Marcus Stroud (who—if my sources are correct—moonlights in the offseason as part of the Appalachian mountains). If Stroud is indeed as large as the Bills think he is, it should free a healthy Paul Posluszny and newly bejewled Kawika Mitchell to make plays at linebacker. And while last year's oft-injured secondary still lacks a legitimate answer to Randy Moss it abounds in young and whimsically-named talent; including Leodis McKelvin, Ashton Youboty, Jabari Greer, and training camp darling Reggie (wait for it…) Corner.

(Established DB's Terrence McGee, Donte Whitner and George Wilson are arguably more important, but, to be honest, I'm troubled by their apparent lack of whimsy.)

PART II:
The Part Where We Make Wildly Optimistic Predictions About Trent Edwards

Hello, and welcome to part two! Your first question is probably "Who the fuck is Trent Edwards?" To which I would reply, "Who the fuck are you? That's right, friend. Who…the fuck…are you?"

But before we inaugurate Edwardian fever in earnest, let me take you back to an enchanted time in the mythical land of "Cincinnati," where, in the middle 1980's, a magical team called either the "Ben-gals" or the "Ven-gals" (depending on your reading of Aramaic) cut a swath through the AFC under the intrepid head-coachery of Sam Wyche.

Well, the spirit of those Ven-gals is back, with the new O-Coordinator and Wyche disciple Turk "Consonants" Schonert, who has installed an uptempo, motion heavy offense. Is this a good thing? I have no idea. On paper at least the yore-Bengals template seems to fit the Bills personnel: two viable RB's, a bright, audible-ready QB. And while no one expects the phenomenal Marshawn Lynch to resurrect the Ickey Shuffle, I think we can agree that a modified Krump would be apropos. Add Lee Evans and 6'5 matchup nightmare James Hardy into the mix and you know what?—if the light is just right and you squint a little—the Bills offense looks kind of loaded.

Anyway, back to Trent Edwards. True, he threw 7 TD's to 8 picks last year and true, he finished with a 70.4 rating. But here's the thing about Trent Edwards: He gets rid of the ball. He feels pressure. He reads the defense. He throws to different receivers. And I almost forgot: HE GETS RID OF THE BALL. In short—he looks like a goddamn quarterback.

Now, there are plenty of Bills fans protesting the shelving of J.P. Losman. (That bionic arm! That gym-rat spirit! The boyish mop, redolent of sunbeams and brine!) Look: if you ask me, an evenly-matched QB controversy between a consistently underachieving fourth-year pro and a 3rd round rookie is no controversy at all. I don't think anyone (save JP) thinks that JP Losman will be Tom Brady. If Trent Edwards can stay healthy and complement his obvious savvy with consistent Red Zone production—well, he probably won't be Brady either. But he could be Boomer Esiason. And let me tell you, after what we've been through? I would fucking kill for Boomer Esiason.

Well, there you have it citizens of Buffaloronto! In the words of the great president: we have nothing to fear but fear itself, and also the New England Patriots. And possibly Brett Favre. And maybe even the Dolphins if Parcells knows what he's doing.

Vive Trent Edwards! Vive Tim Russert! Vive mighty Im-hotep!

GO BILLS!

And if you're reading this Jason Peters, please, please, for the love of Marv please get back on the field! We need you baby! We need you!!!

The logo changes a little bit each year ...

and then it becomes ...

Scary thoughts.

By the way, there's a petition to get Tim Russert on the Bills Wall Of Fame.

Predicting The Evolution Of The Toronto Bills [RealClearSports]

We know a bunch of guys in Buffalo who would agree with you, Jim, though probably not for the same reasons.

"There's always this idea that, if it's your own money your own money you're spending, you can do whatever you want," Mr. Campbell said recently. "Sorry. That doesn't happen in my world. You should be looking out the good of the country and the good of your community."

Ha. Canadians are hilarious. Looking out for the good of the country and not yourself. How cute! And that's why they're Canada!

A Ban On The NFL [Orland Kurtenblog]

Actually, a lot bit. Demetrius Bell's mother might have been 13 when she had the child.

The two have had very little contact during Bell's life. His mother, Gloria Bell, reportedly was only 13 years old and Malone a college sophomore at Louisiana Tech when Demetrius was born. Malone might have served jail time had her family asked the district attorney to file criminal charges.

So that would make Malone 20 at the time, and the mother 13. That, uh ... you know, that just can't be good. (This also makes us realize that the mother of an NFL draftee is almost our age.) We might have just found something worse than Malone turning his back on his own child. Not easy to do.

Dad Karl Malone A Footnote In Demetrius Bell's Life [Buffalo News]
Karl Malone's Son Is No Son Of His [Deadspin]

The Toronto group is using the eight-game series to show the city can support its own NFL franchise. The Bills sought the agreement to generate additional revenues by expanding their market to Canada's largest city and financial capital, a 90-minute drive from Buffalo. Ticket prices for the games in Toronto have not yet been released, but are expected to average more than $100 at a facility with a 54,000 seating capacity for football.

That would be the Rogers Centre, of course. The Toronto group, Rogers Communications, has already made 100,000 reservations for the series, with the idea being, I suppose, that they can sell that many tickets. So what does this mean for Buffalo fans? Over at the Bills blog Buffalo Rumblings, a commenter says: "This money is also known as the 'Bill Cowher Fund' ". Maybe, but this deal could also insure that the team won't be relocating anytime soon.

Bills To Be Paid $78 Million To Play Eight Games In Toronto [CBS Sporstline]

Bell had never tried to make contact with Malone until he was 18. Malone was not particularly ecstatic to meet his prodigal son.

At the time, Malone told Bell that, "It was too late for him to be his father and that Bell would 'earn his money on his own,"' the NFL notes said. Malone could not be reached for comment. As for Bell, he's happy to have made it this far on his own.

"Nothing against him, but I feel good at this time. If he would've been there, yeah, it would've been good. But if not, it's even better," said Bell, also the half brother of WNBA Detroit Shock forward Cheryl Ford. "Everything's a plus right now."

Bell, incidentally, was also on the Northwestern State basketball team that beat Iowa in the NCAA Tournament a couple of years ago.

Poor Karl Malone. You just try to ignore yet another kid who claims he's your dad, and the kid has the nerve to get draft by the NFL and actually include your parenting in his player notes. The hassle of being a professional athlete never ends.

Bell Drafted By Bills; Puts Father Karl Malone Behind Him [Canadian Press]

So to scout Leodis you have to get live with Leeds. McKelvin is a quick one whose return skills had opposing coaches shakin' all over during his career at Troy. Opponents like Louisiana-Lafayette treated McKelvin as a substitute for Devin Hester, kicking away from him so much that it gave the young man blues. "I wanted to return some, but the offense was getting good field position," McKelvin said after the Trojans win. When McKelvin did get his hands on a return, he often skipped the whole field position thing and just scored an old fashioned touchdown. His eight return touchdowns tied the all-time NCAA record.

McKelvin is more than just a return man. Scouts love his lateral quickness and ability to cut, and he's got a rep as a hard worker who won't get all emo after a few blown plays or an angry coach spittle shower. McKelvin is headed to Buffalo, where coordinator Perry Fewell likes to mix a lot of safety blitzes into his Cover-2 gumbo. He'll need that tough-mindedness when he's sitting in a zone one play and left on an island the next. And when he's man-up on Randy Moss or Wes Welker twice per season.

In short, there's plenty to get excited about with McKelvin, whose first name conjures images of foggy medieval forests and chunky Pete Townsend power chords. Oh, and by the way, his middle name is Anquane, which sounds Latin but appears to just be "anquan" with an "e" on the end. Where do parents find these names?

After falling into a 14-0 hole, the Giants tied it up by riding Brandon Jacobs into the end zone twice. (I picture a little yoke and covered wagon myself, and Tom Coughlin yelling at the sun for not reaching high noon by 11:55.) A field goal gave them the lead halftway through the game. Giants 17, Bills 14

The Ortonator is doing a commendable job of what one may call "managing the game," which means he isn't throwing touchdowns or interceptions, and the only time his offense is stalling is when they're in field goal range. Bears 13, Packers 7

It's been 16 weeks and, nope, still don't understand that Peyton Manning cell phone commercial. Colts 24, Texans 7

Sure enough, Lane Kiffin promised us JaMarcus Russell in this game, and by gum JaMarcus Russell is in this game. Fortunately, he made no promises to him playing well. Jaguars 28, Raiders 3

This impressive 9-5 start by the Cleveland Browns was all an elaborate prank leading up to this seemingly meaningless game against Cincinnati. Isn't it?
ISN'T IT?! I knew it. Bengals 19, Browns 0

The Lions are scoring in all sorts of ways. Rushing touchdown. Field goal. Defensive touchdown. Special teams safety. All I need is "dropkick PAT" to complete my bingo card. Lions 19, Chiefs 14

Also, this game's happening, bringing much interest to fantasy general managers. Every championship game is likely riding on the X-factor of Aaron Stecker. (Yes, he has two touchdowns. Nice free-agent pickup, you.) Eagles 24, Saints 17

Yes, if you were distracted by the Indians' win last night, you missed an epic Monday Nighter, a game in which Tony Romo turned the ball over six times, missed a two-point conversion with 20 seconds left and still somehow won for the Cowboys. Life has been rough enough for Bills fans in recent years; frankly, they shouldn't have had to go through this.

And, now: A note about the whole pre-field-goal snap timeout business. This is becoming frustrating, and not just for fans of the team who now has to kick field goals twice. It is getting to the point that we are watching game-winning field-goal attempts — one of the most exciting plays in the game — with skepticism, waiting for the kick to be replayed. This can't be good for the league. But we're not sure what can be done about it; it seems within the rules, in the same way that calling a timeout while you're falling out of bounds in basketball is withing the rules. And all it's gonna take is a coach calling a time out to "ice" a kicker in this fashion, and then watching his face fall as the kicker misses the game-winner. The opposing coach will have bailed out the kicker, who then kicks the next field goal through as the losing coach realizes he, quite literally, cost his team the game by trying to be cute. We suspect this time out business will slow down, once that happens.

Bills Lose It In A Heartbreaker [Circling The Wagons]

As everybody keeps telling us on the TV set, it has been 13 years since the Bills were on "Monday Night Football," which is amazing, considering even the Buzzsaw has been on three times since then. (And lost all three, of course.) This is the opportunity for all of you with Trent Edwards fever to scratch that itch; he's the new Romo!

"Based on our experience, the fact that he's moving so well, so early after such a catastrophic injury means he will walk again," said Dr. Barth Green, chairman of the department of neurological surgery at the University of Miami school of medicine. "It's totally spectacular, totally unexpected."

Several Buffalo fans have noted that the "miracle" behind Everett's recovery came from The Miami Project, which specializes in this sort of thing and has long been funded by, of all people, Bills owner Ralph Wilson. So it all comes full circle, in an excellent way.

Doctor On Everett: "We May Be Witnessing A Minor Miracle" [BfloBlog]

Your author is Jack Kukoda, a staff writer for the Onion News Network and an occasional contributor to American Hockey Fan. His words are after the jump.

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"I'm sorry." You'd be surprised how often you hear those words when you tell people you're a Bills fan. And not that sarcastic it's-all-in-good-fun "sorry" fans of rival teams say to each other. I mean a legitimate I'm-genuinely-concerned-for your-mental-health-and-well-being kind of sorry. The same reaction you get when someone asks how your family is doing, and you tell them your mom's in the hospital. "Oh geez, I didn't know. I'm ... sorry." "No, it's okay. Don't apologize. You couldn't have known."

And when you're the object of such pity, there are two routes you can
take: Accept it graciously like the kid who lets his uncle take him to
the father-son picnic because his dad's an unreliable alcoholic, OR
intensify your allegiance beyond any rational degree until your fandom borders on unhinged belligerent optimism. I, like most Bills fans, choose the latter.

With that in mind, let me first say to Jeff Mason — the erstwhile Bills
fan who jumped ship to his backup Baltimore Ravens during their
Super Bowl run (and then bragged about it!) — you will not be missed. Being a Bills fan is not for the faint of heart. So good riddance. Have fun in the 9th ring of hell, you fucking Judas. Say hi to Briere and Drury for me while you're down there.

As for credentials: I was born and raised in Buffalo; lined up to buy a new AFC Champions T-Shirt at Trench every year in the early 90's, then lost my faith in God a little more after each Super Bowl; and remember exactly where I was when they debuted the "Shout Song." Now, down to business.

How will the Bills do this season? Awesome. They will do awesome. Ka-blam, you're welcome. Need proof? Here you go.

Our general manager and owner, who last year pledged to be more hands on, are a combined 169 years old. That's the kind of experience you're not going to find anywhere else. How many owners were members of the original AFL ownership AND played a major role in the Teapot Dome scandal? Just one: Ralph C. Wilson, Jr. And while others see Marv Levy as the coach who lost four straight Super Bowls, he is to Buffalonians what Oprah is to none-too bright women: a genius of unfathomable depths. If anyone can lead the Bills back to glory, it's him.

The Defense: The Bills lost Takeo Spikes, my former favorite Bill and owner of the largest neck in the NFL, and London Fletcher this offseason. But Paul Posluszny should fill in nicely. And as a Pole playing in Buffalo, he could probably declare himself mayor for life and nobody would have a problem with it. For the first time in what seems like a decade, the Bills didn't draft an Ohio State defensive back in the first round, and with Nate "Lockdown Corner Except In Games That Matter" Clements gone, Terrence McGee is going to have to step up. Look for second-year safety Donte Whitner to become a leader on the defense.

The Offense: Whoo boy, that's the wild card. Can J.P. Losman blossom into a decent quarterback capable of moving the ball downfield AND putting it in the end zone? Will the Bills offensive line even allow him to do so? Will Marshawn Lynch become the greatest Bills running back since Thurman Thomas? Yes, yes and yes. Why? Because they're the Bills, goddammit. And the fragile psyche of an entire city is counting on it.

Special Teams: Well, the Bills locked up Pro Bowl punter Brian Moorman through 2012 for 10 million dollars, so that's something. Let that be a lesson to all the dads trying to turn their son into the next Tiger Woods. Don't waste your money on expensive clubs and greens fees. Make your kid a punter. All he needs is a ball, a foot, and an overbearing father wiling to force him to kick balls into 40 degree winds 12 hours a day. He'll thank you for it later. And look for Roscoe Parrish to run back at least two punts for touchdowns this year.

My prediction for the Bills record? No idea. They might go 12-4 or 5-11. I have no clue. If the Bills win the Super Bowl, I will cry, celebrate, then head home to help rebuild after the riots that will almost certainly engulf the city. If they miss the playoffs again, well, I'll just get ready for next season. But I will not ask for, nor will I accept your pity. I'm dragging my perpetual disappointment of a father off that couch, and goddamnit, we're gonna win that fucking potato sack race together.

Go Bills.

You gotta love Marv Levy: he goes back so far, he's in front of us. The dude may have driven 40 miles per hour on the New York Thruway with his turn signal on all the way from Buffalo to New York , but Levy made a gutsy call once he got there (actually, he probably stayed in Buffalo, but you get the idea). Like many senior citizens, Levy is on a fixed income. The Bills held a garage sale in the offseason, losing Nate Clements, Takeo Spikes and Willis McGahee. The Bills needed to add a playmaker, and Lynch can help the offense. He's a great all-purpose talent with more big-play ability than the post-injury McGahee, and his receiving skills will help diversify the Bills' attack. The biggest risk is that Lynch, like McGahee, will chafe in the dim-lights, small city environment that is Buffalo .

I would have taken Leon Hall if I were Levy, but a team can only solve one problem at a time. Levy reached on Donte Whitner last year, and you know what? The Bills ranked 6th in the NFL in pass defense according to DVOA. Of course, Levy could just think that Lynch is a golf caddie, based on his cart-driving skills. If so, ignore the tempered optimism of this commentary. If Levy demands a five percent senior discount when negotiating Lynch's contract, we know the Bills are in trouble.

The 49ers were the first to make a move in the giant fiscal orgy, giving an 8-year, $80 million contract to cornerback Nate Clements. The Titans were also in the market for Clements, presumably to replace a certain troubled cornerback who's only happy when it rains. They might be forced to keep Pacman now. Oh well ... someone has to support the strippers of Nashville.

The Falcons gave a fullback, former Raven Ovie Mughelli, a six-year, $18 million deal. Finally, they start to surround Michael Vick with some legitimate offensive weapons.

The Patriots gave an assload of money to stud linebacker Adalius Thomas. I'm assuming on the "assload" part, contract terms weren't immediately available. NFL contracts prohibit the use of the term "assload." Just because it feels like it's appropriate to mention here, Bill Belichick is a genius.

Guard Derrick Dockery got $49 million over 7 years from Buffalo. Not that it's not a worthy signing, everyone needs a few good linemen... but it seems befitting of Buffalo to go out and make a big free agency splash on a guard. That'll sell some season tickets.

And the Redskins, never to be left out, when there's money to spend, gave London Fletcher $25 million over 5 years, and Fred Smoot is rumored to be docking in Washington soon, too.

A flurry of action on first day of free agency [MSNBC]

About 5 p.m., Barry Donaghey — who was wearing a Red Sox cap and Pats jacket — went to use a nearby porta-potty. While Donaghey was inside, he said, Bills fans began hurling anti-Patriots insults and pelting the portable restroom with rocks and other objects. "I thought if I kept my head down, I would be fine," recalled the software salesman.

When he finally came out, Donaghey was pummeled like a University of Miami placekick holder, breaking certain small bones.

The sad part is that the mob also tried to kick him, but missed wide right.

Insults, Injuries: Mass. Man Beaten at N.Y. Stadium [Boston Herald]

The Bills play the Patriots this weekend, and, just for shits and giggles, we present you this video of a Bills fan from last year who would like everyone to know that, in his opinion, the Bills have a more skilled roster and a better coaching stuff than the Patriots.

(Briefly NSFW, kind of. Mostly not safe anywhere.)

Personally, we think the AFC East would be a lot more fun to make predictions for if Troy Brown had to play quarterback for the Patriots every game. Oh, and is Culpepper organizing the rookie party for the Dolphins this year?

Predictions!

• Robert Weintraub, Slate: New England, Miami, NY Jets, Buffalo.
• Peter King, Sports Illustrated: New England, Miami, Buffalo, NY Jets.
• Paul Zimmerman, Sports Illustrated: Miami, New England, Buffalo, NY Jets.
• Aaron Schatz, FootballOutsiders and Fox Sports: New England, Miami, Buffalo, NY Jets.
• AJ Daulerio, Deadspin Cultural Oddsmaker: Miami, New England, Buffalo, NY Jets.
• Michael David Smith, Football Outsiders: New England, Miami, NY Jets, Buffalo.
• Deadspin: New England, Miami, Buffalo, NY Jets. We would not be the least bit surprised if the Jets won one game this year, and it's because the other team mistakenly pounces on Chad Pennington's severed arm in the endzone, thinking it's the ball.

Let's hear 'em in the comments, folks.

We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, even a TV guy or two, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, why My Team Is Better Than Your Team. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever. We will be running two a day until the beginning of the NFL season.

Right now: the Buffalo Bills. Your author is J.E. Skeets.

J.E. Skeets is a not a writer, but he plays one on the Internet. He writes at The Football Basketball Jones and he thinks watercress is underrated. His words were a little before and after the jump.

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Look, let's keep this quick: The only way my Bills have any chance of winning "Superbowl Chinese Surname" is — and cue the Dire Straits' Money For Nothing here — if Jon Voight, Gil Bellows, and some rotten oysters are involved.

Yeah, why Will asked me to write this, I have no idea. Punishment perhaps? I don't know. But if you think I'm going to sit here and "preview" another Buffalo Bills five or six-win season, then well ... you're absolutely right my friend! The Buffalo Bills will win five, maybe six games this season. There. Preview done. Is it story time yet?

January 31st, 1993. I'm 13 and the Bills are back in the Superbowl for a third year in a row. I'm fucking pumped — I mean, third time's a charm, right? — but my die-hard father is nervous as hell. We've watched two straight SB losses together — "Wide Right" and "The Helmets Game"— and well, I'm pretty sure the old man can't stomach another one.

I decide I'll try lifting dad's spirits by making him a "Go Bills Go!" sign. I bust out the Crayolas and have at it. I pour hours into this thing. It's probably the greatest poster/picture I've ever drawn — clean lines, great shading, it's fucking beautiful. Right before kickoff I proudly present it to him.

Now mind you, he's half-in-the-bag already, but he seems genuinely impressed with my work of art. He puts his arm around my shoulder and calls mom in from the other room to bring him some tape — "Jesus Lauree, I said Scotch tape. That masking tape will wreck the damn wall!" After some brief arguing, my heart is hung on the living room wall. I'm beaming.

Fast forward to the fourth quarter: Back-up QB Frank Reich throws another interception — the Bills sixth of nine turnovers that night! Shortly after, Emmitt "dances" his way in for another Cowboys touchdown. Score: Dallas 45, Buffalo 17. It's over.

As you can imagine, my dad is fucking furious (and drunk). He stumbles out of his recliner, rambling something incoherent about, "Thurman Thomas sucking giraffe cock", and then — yup, you guessed it — he pulls my "Go Bills Go!" off the wall and starts ripping it to shreds. Seriously, Dad went to fucking town on that sign. He was stomping on it, cursing it, kicking it — "Please John, not in front of the kids!" Hell, I think my little sister started crying. It was bad.

So um, yeah ... go Buffalo.

But, man, if it weren't for those baby mommas ...

Q: So far, what's the most difficult thing about fatherhood?
A: Nothing right now. Not for me. Just dealing with the mother. That's the difficult part. After that, everything is cool.
Q: What's more troublesome, an ex-wife or a baby momma?
A: A baby momma.
Q: Why?
A: Because they feel like they should be a part of your life for 18 years. An ex-wife, you can get away from her. A baby momma, you can't get away from her until the child is 18 or older. They're going to constantly ask you for money. They just want to nag you for no reason, just because they can. (Willis has never been married.)
Q: Did you meet both of these women here in Miami?
A: (Laughs) Yeah.
Q: Is that why you say you need to get out of Miami?
A: I need to get out of Miami.

Yeah, seriously: Same shit happens to us in Miami too. Get out while you can, young Willis, and be free.

Power Drive [Orlando Sentinel]

MDS, what the hell's going on here?

8. Buffalo Bills: Donte Whitner, DB, Ohio State
Has Marv Levy, the new Buffalo Bills GM, has gone senile at age 80? We searched mock drafts far and wide and never saw anyone project Whitner as a Top 10 pick. Lions GM Matt Millen will have a hard time in the next few minutes making a more bizarre pick than this one.

This is certainly becoming a trend, particularly in the case of the Fire Millen movement. We find this strange, not just because they're letting in former prom dates and apparent Redskins fan sign "Shockey Loves Cock-y" at their game last weekend, but also because they seem to be limiting it to signs that criticize the powers that be. And Allenbaugh, for one, isn't gonna take it anymore.

"If you're ready to kick me out for a sign like that, then every jersey you see of another team, kick them out, too, because they offend me."

This is an excellent idea, brilliant even. Though isn't this kind of what happened in Auburn Hills last year? Except that had more popcorn, we guess.

FireMillen.com [Official Site]
Bills Accused Of Stifling Fans [SI.com]

(We'd like to encourage, once again, Matt Millen to show up at a press conference with a "Fire Millen" T-shirt. It's his only way out of this.)

If Superman could be a real guy for just one hour, we all know what we would have him do — reverse the rotation of the earth to take us back in time, to the 1990 Super Bowl. Then Scott Norwood could attempt that 47-yard field goal one again in the waning seconds against the Giants, and, finally, reverse the curse that has haunted Buffalo since ... oh crap! He missed it again!

Oh well. Four straight Super Bowls, four straight losses. That's what we think of when we think of the Bills. Oh, and remember that time running back Thurman Thomas couldn't find his helmet and had to sit out? We think about that too.

But also we think about a franchise that gave us the no-huddle offense (we've always liked that), year and and year out putting a quality team on the field. And their fans have produced some pretty good blogs, or sites that are kind of a mix between blogs and news sites, which seems to be the trend. Here's three great ones.

3. Bills Daily. The Bills are now 7-3 when Willis McGahee scores a touchdown. Um, we knew that, sure.
2. Circling the Wagons. Most Valuable Network recruits the best, it seems. Good writing. On top of matters.
1. Bills Zone. "Watching the Buffalo Bills and Kansas City Chiefs game was like watching the Nathan s Hot Dog eating contest on ESPN2." Ha. We totally know what you mean. We think.

(Thursday: Chicago Bears)

From the "Ask Him" segment on the Bills, Neubauer's question to Bills president and general manager Tom Donahoe:

The Buccaneers have pirate ship cannons, San Diego has a cannon, and New England has the Minutemen. Any chancge that the Bills can get something of this sort to celebrate touchdowns? Say, a huge Buffalo that has smoke come out of its nostrils on top of the scoreboard or Administration building to go along with the pyrotechnics on the scoreboard?

The next question, of course, was, "Do you think maybe you could have a buffalo with a little hat on it, and maybe a little pipe?"

Ask Him [BuffaloBills.com]