•The Tampa Bay Lightning got their yucks from a good-old fashioned game of "strip shootout," where if you don't score on a breakaway, you remove a piece of clothing. The players said they got really excited by the game, which gives a whole new meaning to "high-sticking."

•The Bears ink Jay Cutler to a two-year extension. While he hasn't exactly set the world on fire, he's a better option than Rex Grossman, Brian Griese, Chad Hutchinson, Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzell, Kordell Stewart, Chris Chandler, Henry Burris, Cade McNown, Jim Miller, Shane Matthews, Steve Stenstrom, Moses Moreno, Rick Mirer, Dave Kreig, Eric Kramer, Steve Walsh, Will Furrer, Peter Tom Willis...

•The Yankees take a 3-1 series lead on the ample back of CC Sabathia. Accusations of Sabathia throwing a Rivera-like spitball were refuted when FOX cameras picked up a hot dog vendor in his line of sight, indicating it was only drool.

•Tennessee Papa John's were offering one free topping for every Titans touchdown this weekend. Hope you like cheese pizza.

•In advance of the NFL's upcoming jaunt to London, one British tabloid attempts to bust 10 myths about the NFL. Sadly, the part about a coin toss being used to decide tie games is no myth.

•The NBA expects to have their referees back on the court in time for next week's opener, and none too soon. Did you see that Cleveland game last night? The Mavs were only getting whistled if they actually fouled LeBron!

•To cap the morning off, we've got some video of a ladies room fight at this weekend's Texas/OU game. More like Yellow River Rivalry, amirite?

Now before the conspiracy theorists get all bent out of shape, everyone should just chill out. The idea of some orchestrated cabal working behind the scenes to create a Phillies-Yankees World Series is ridiculous. Obviously the umpires will throw the NLCS to the Dodgers. Torre vs. the Yankees? A-Rod and Manny? They can't pass that up.

But the defending champs getting an assist from the Illuminati? Gimme a break. Next you're going to tell me JFK wasn't replaced by a robot in early 1961 and is still living comfortably at a hacienda in Cuba. Let's try to be reasonable, huh?

[Screenshot via MLB.com]

* * * * *

Barry P. is up later to take you home, but make sure you're here bright and early tomorrow morning. Big update a-comin' that I'm sure you'll have no problem dealing with in a polite and orderly manner. (Don't worry, it's not as bad as you think. Probably. Maybe. It might be worse.) Sweet dreams.

CC Sabathia paid cash for the six bedroom, 12,000-square-foot mansion on two acres, where among his neighbors are Mary J. Blige, Stevie Wonder, Chris Rock and Britney Spears. "What? My newspaper is missing again! Spears!"

Of course when I saw it the first thing that came to mind was a Tom Hanks movie, The Money Pit. Do these homes not look similar? I can just see CC dangling from the interior second story after the staircase collapses beneath him.

Hmm, did the Jeep Wagoneer come with the place?

CC Safe At Home In Jersey [New York Post]
CC Sabathia Stimulates New Jersey Real Estate Market [Walkoff Walk]

Ah Spring, time of renewal, when all things seem possible and the world is your oyster. Mmm, oysters. Old Don Rickles joke: "I'll bet when this guy goes to the bathroom the toilet paper roll goes fffuuuudddddddddddddddtthhhhhhhhh!"

Pictures From Spring Training [It Is About The Money, Stupid]

Apparently, Sabathia was concerned that his adventures in Milwaukee last year were so incredibly awesome that Brewers fans would have had some unreasonable expectations for his performance were he to return. So in order to avoid the uncomfortable situation of being expected to deliver superhuman feats, he took the largest free agent pitching contract in history and moved to New York City.

""If I had gone back to Milwaukee, they would have been looking to me to win every single game. I expect to win every single game here, too, but there would have been more immense pressure there because they wouldn't have been able to put the pieces around me to help me win. I think I can get that here....

If I had went somewhere else, they would have expected me to do what I did the last second half in Milwaukee and you know that's kinda unrealistic."

You know, $161 million for seven years of work used to seem unrealistic, too. It's funny how those things work. Fortunately, New York baseball fans are a kind and patient bunch with no sense of entitlement that would never make unreasonable performance demands on new players. Just try your best—that's what they care about.

Sheesh.

CC Sabathia Press Conference: Came to NY So He Doesn't Have To Repeat His Milwaukee Excellence [Bob's Blitz]
CC Sabathia seems man enough to put Bronx in Fat City [NY Daily News]
CC & A.J. press conference roundup [NY Daily News]
The Yankees Welcome $243.5 Million of Pitching [NY Times]

CC Sabathia is a Yankee. Or, you know, very close to it. Terms: The largest pitching contract in major league history, at least $140 million, according to the New York Post. ESPN is saying that the deal is for seven years and $160 million.

The Yankees had extended a six-year, $140 million bid to Sabathia nearly a month ago. As the weeks passed and Sabathia did not accept the deal, a feeling began to pervade that he was trying hard to avoid the Bronx. Instead, this might simply have been a patient game of poker, Sabathia simply taking his time to make sure no desirable West Coast team with significant money would emerge. That never happened.

But the real story is where the Yankees are going next.

Cashman had met Monday night with A.J. Burnett's agent Darek Braunacker and expressed a willingness to exceed the four-year, $60 million bid by the Braves and that they would seriously consider going to a fifth year. Cashman also met with Scott Boras and the Yanks appeared willing to go to the four-year, $60 million plus range for Derek Lowe. In addition, the Yanks have talked with agents for several other starters, including Andy Pettitte, Randy Wolf, Oliver Perez and Ben Sheets. The Yankees received medical records on the oft-injured Sheets and were studying them. One person in the loop described Cashman as really pushing in a much more forceful way to begin closing deals, with or without Sabathia.

That meeting between Cashman and Boras was otherwise unremarkable, except for the strong odor of sulfur in the air.

So, Sabathia and Joba Chamberlain at the same post-game buffet table. Stupid Yankees: Seven years? I'm not sure how they expect his arm to last that long. Well, now the Giants will have to settle for Randy Johnson, I suppose.

Meanwhile, ESPN rushed to get the news out. They have no time to resize photos!

CC Sabathia Picks Yankees [New York Post]

The Yankees, of course, have him top on their list. According to the New York Daily News, the Steinbrenner clan will offer him in excess of the $137.5 million for six years that Johan Santana got from the Mets last winter. But now look over to Flushing Meadows and imagine Santana and Sabathia on the same staff.

A high-placed Yankee source Thursday reacted to the development by saying: "The Mets are in it? Great. Bring it on." Meanwhile, Omar Minaya was dicussing a trade for a pitcher with a GM but said he would first have to see how Sabathia's free agency was progressing, a baseball executive said. A Mets official subsequently wouldn't deny interest in Sabathia.

Begun, the Sabathia Wars have.

Of course the Yankees and Mets also want Derek Lowe, and the Yankees crave A.J. Burnett, who filed for free agency on Thursday. Oh, this will be fun.

Battle For CC Sabathia Turns Into Turf War Between Yankees And Mets [New York Daily News]

From Cleveland.com:

The Cy Young Award-winning lefty pitcher was traded to Milwaukee earlier this month — before he likely would have bolted town as a free agent once the season was over. "You've touched our lives with your kindness, love and generosity. We are forever grateful!" reads the copy in the $12,870 black-and-white ad. "It was something that was in the works almost from the moment he was traded," said Kathy Jacobson, the pitcher's spokeswoman in San Francisco.

But here's where we kind of go through the looking glass with this. How often does an ad run in the print edition of a newspaper, and on that same day, a story about that ad runs on that paper's web site? And in that online story is a reproduction of the ad, which you click on to enlarge so that you can clearly see the whole thing. Meaning that the ad that cost 12 grand in the paper is available for free online.

How about a TV news story about the online story about the print ad? And then there's this post. God I need an Advil.

At any rate, no matter how one looks at it, it was a very warm gesture which I'm sure pulled at the heartstrings of Indians fans everywhere. From the post's message board:

Well he didn't love the community enough to take the gazillion dollars he was offered before the season to stay in Cleveland. So take your full page ad, and use it to wipe your HUGE posterior CC. See ya later Captain Cash. — Posted by kuyuga on 07/30/08 at 10:39AM

CC Sabathia Buys Plain Dealer Ad To Thank Indians Fans For Their Support [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

Sabathia won his debut on Tuesday, the Brewers prevailing over the Rockies 7-3. From Bugs and Cranks:

This young man just flew in from Cleveland to join the team. His name is Carsten, he’s from California, and he throws a 97mph fastball, apparently even in the late innings. Say it with me: “Hello Carsten.” You were probably not thrilled with your five walks, but you got some big outs when you needed to, and gave up only 2 ER in 6.0 IP with what seemed to be a constantly-evolving strike zone. Here’s a George Webb burger for you, Carsten. Welcome to Wisconsin. Are you going to finish those fries? Sorry…dumb question.

Yes, accoriding to many, this should make the NL Central race quite a bit more exciting. And more delicious.

And just wait until CC discovers the 12-person beer bong.

Sharing My Burgers [Bugs And Cranks]

I thought I'd make my first Emeritus post — New York magazine is fun! I'm totally learning about Fashion Week and sushi restaurants! — about Rick, and the Cardinals, and those ridiculous Cubs-Brewers trades because, honestly, if I'd had my druthers, I'd have written every post about the Cardinals when I was editor of this here site. (It was difficult not to. Extremely so.) So while I have a few moments before I have to approve the new Vincent Gallo photo spread, I thought I'd scratch the itch.

I know, I know: Billy Beane's the genius, we all know it, we all love him, he loves the Ramones, whatta guy. But I cannot fathom what he's thinking with the Rich Harden trade. We understand that Harden is probably going to get hurt — it's nice to see the Cubs have Mark Prior back — and then everyone will give him backslaps and man hugs, no homo. But Jim Hendry can claim all he wants that the trade wasn't a reaction to the Sabathia trade — which seems much more fair, and didn't actually upset us nearly as much — and we're still not going to believe him. That's really all Beane could get for Harden? Sean Gallagher? I'd rather have Black Gallagher.

Sure, Harden is probably gonna break down. But that doesn't make Eric Patterson a better second baseman.

More to the point, both the Cubs and the Brewers have made moves that the Cardinals shouldn't — and probably can't — counter. In a way, the fact that the two teams had to make the trades at all is a victory; if the Cardinals aren't dramatically overachieving in the first place, maybe everybody feels a little more comfortable with where they stand and don't make the risk trades. This was never supposed to be a contending season for the Cardinals; it's a house money season. If they keep this going, wow, what a great story. If they don't, well, it has been more fun that anyone thought it would be, now trade Ludwick for a prospect or two. It's clear the Cardinals aren't as talented as the Cubs or Brewers, and that was true before those two trades. But hey, why not let it ride? It's bizarre that the Birds have even made it this far.

But yes: The MLB Extra Innings package continues to break my heart. Anytime they have the road announcers, they always bring up the Ankiel pitching thing. Al Hrabosky and Dan McLaughlin, the Cardinals announcers, never even refer to Ankiel as a pitcher; they know how much it hurts Cardinals fans to even think about it. But every time Ankiel bats and we have the road announcers ... "what a story, this kid, with the pitching and the ..." The mute button is smashed immediately. Honestly, that video above, that's Faces Of Death for Cardinals fans; it should be on rotten.com.

Our first foray into the world of enterprising gas-themed journalism comes courtesy of WaPo's "Nationals Journal" feature, which gleaned this little butt nugget from Nats' GM Jim Bowden's afternoon tea chat.

Mike Rizzo and Dana Brown, I've said it before, are the two best scouting directors in the game....I went with them for two weeks, Mike Rizzo and I, and you're up on an airplane to Nashville, Tenn., and all of a sudden you're in Ontario, you're in Texas, you're in SC, then you're in Florida, and that's all you do every day. And people fart on the airplane and it's horrible, and I had to call time-out on one because the stench was so bad that I just couldn't take it. The stewardess was spraying Lysol up and down and it was embarrassing. I said, look, go to the bathroom. There's no need for this! ... Have more respect for the person next to you! Stop farting!

"Stop farting!" might be the perfect new rallying cry for Manny Acta to adopt in an attempt to wake up the Nationals' dormant bats.

Second? Well, courtesy of Home Run Derby, we have Cleveland Indians pitcher, C.C. Sabathia, doing what only comes natural. You don't have to be Marlee Matlin to understand what he's saying.

Yay.

C.C. Sabathia Farts In the Dugout [Home Run Derby]
Afternoon tea chat with Jim Bowden [WaPo]

• C.C. Rider. What would be cooler than a duel between C.C. Sabathia and John Lackey in the AL Playoffs? OK, a werewolf fighting a tiger: That's a given. But what we're trying to say is that Sabathia has six different kinds of Bringing It, and used them all on Tuesday for his fifth career shutout. In an age when Barry Zito gets a quadrillion dollars for pitching six innings per outing, it's nice to see complete game domination from someone. Sabathia gave up five singles as the Indians beat the Royals 1-0. He went to 9-1 overall, 4-0 in five starts since May 16, while Cleveland improved to 20-6 at home, where Sabathia is 6-0 in eight starts. The Angels' Lackey is the majors' only other nine-game winner.

• Just Call Him One Wolf. Lenny DiNardo — who sounds to us like a character from Laverne and Shirley whom we can't quite picture — is nonetheless also bringing it these days. DiNardo outfought Boston's Daisuke Matsuzaka as the Athletics won, 2-0. It was the Red Sox's fifth loss in six games. Heavens!

• OK, How About Some Offense?. By the power of Greyskull! Aaron Hill's walkoff walk which scored Matt Stairs provided the Blue Jays with a 12-11 win over the Devil Rays, as Toronto scored six in the ninth to win it. Stairs scored the game-winning run when Hill drew a bases-loaded walk from Tampa Bay reliever Tim Corcoran.

• Mighty Chris Young. More big drama in the desert, as Chris Young (0-for-4 at the time) homered in the bottom of the 10th to give te Diamondbacks at 4-3 win over the Giants. Arizona's 10th win in 11 games ties it with San Diego for first in the NL West.

• More Chris Young Highlights. The Padres moved ahead of the Dodgers into a tie for first in the West (OK, percentage points ahead) as Chris Young threw seven scoreless innings, Trevor Hoffman got save No. 499, and Marcus Giles singled home the winning run in the ninth for a 1-0 win over Los Angeles.