"You're not going to eat it, are you?" the eBay seller asked, after we had completed our purchase. "People have been asking me if they can eat it, and that's probably not a good idea."

That the Snickers bar is the best of all candy bars is a point so obvious and unassailable that it needn't be argued here. What's odd and paradoxical-seeming, and thus noteworthy, is that its superiority is the precise reason why the Snickers is not the best candy bar for Halloween. That is to say, its Halloweeniness…

Late last night, a reader pointed us to a Carlos Beltran tweet, the latest in a series of strange tweets from the resurgent Cardinals outfielder. And it was pretty odd: "I hope you have enjoyed chewing gum today." A nice sentiment, to be sure. We at Deadspin certainly hope you have enjoyed chewing gum today, if chewing…

I go to a lot of children's birthday parties. These parties are virtually identical. You go to a gym, you take off your kid's shoes, you hand your kid over to the 19-year-old girl making $6 an hour and wearing a bright red or blue shirt with the name of the gym on it (PLAY ZONE! GYMTASTIC! BALLS AND SHIT!), then you…

Before Saturday, no one had rushed for 100 yards against the 49ers defense, and no one had run for a touchdown against the 49ers defense. Before Saturday, nobody had worn Skittles sneakers against the 49ers defense. Correlation is not necessarily causation, but this time it totally was, say scienticians.

After Beast Mode went Beast Mode on the Eagles' sieve of a d-line, he retreated to his bench to taste the rainbow. This is nothing new for Lynch, whose sweet tooth grill goes back to his Bills days. His mother still buys him a pack before every game, and he talks about Skittles in the huddle.

The Cowboys' new focus on defense includes rewarding players for turnovers with Snickers and Butterfinger bars, probably from a fun-size bag bought for $2.99 at a Stillwater Otasco. [AP]

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Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.

Time for your Deadspin Open Mailbag Tuesday. Email us here or submit your questions via Twitter. This week, we're covering old urinals, candy, baby wipes, and more.