The Best Stores to Buy Any Type of Halloween Candy

I’ve never really lived in a neighborhood that drew a lot of Trick-or-Treaters, but that doesn’t keep me from buying Halloween candy. Obviously, this is a task I take very seriously because, even if zero children visit my house, I want to get the as much delicious, seasonal sugar as I can for my money. »10/16/15 11:50am10/16/15 11:50am


Save An Extra 20% on Halloween Candy Packs From Amazon

If you’re planning on spending Halloween watching horror movies and passing out candy to trick or treaters, Amazon’s taking an extra 20% off select Mars candy packs today. Just be sure to grab multiple bags; Halloween’s still a few weeks away, so you’re probably going to end up devouring at least one yourself. »10/06/15 6:15pm10/06/15 6:15pm

Candy Corn Is Trash and Hershey's Candy Corn Bars Are an Abomination Against God

Tis the season, the only season that matters, the season that Halloween candy finally starts appearing on the shelves. Unfortunately, that also means candy corn has made its foul return, a crumbling and earwax-esque concoction that, like your racist grandparent, you only give a pass because it’s been around for so… »9/15/15 11:50pm9/15/15 11:50pm

Which Candies Have Have The Most Sugar?

Ostensibly, this chart from WaPo's Wonkblog is about ranking candy by its sugar content so you can consume the maximum amount of sugar, and it does a fine job of that. But looking at it, all I can think about is how everything north of Gummy Bears coming in at a full 70 percent sugar is so much more alarming than I… »10/31/14 11:06am10/31/14 11:06am

I Sucked on a Breast Milk Lollipop and Lived to Write About It

Back in June I covered an exciting new product hitting the novelty lollipop market: the Texas-based Lollyphile Breast Milk-Flavored Lollipop. My feelings on the matter were a blend of maximum-lolz, medium-nausea, and the smug comfort of living very, very far away from Texas. Here's what I wrote at the time: »8/02/13 2:06pm8/02/13 2:06pm

How To Eat Halloween Candy: A Guide And A Power Ranking For Sad Adults

That the Snickers bar is the best of all candy bars is a point so obvious and unassailable that it needn't be argued here. What's odd and paradoxical-seeming, and thus noteworthy, is that its superiority is the precise reason why the Snickers is not the best candy bar for Halloween. That is to say, its Halloweeniness… »10/27/12 1:45pm10/27/12 1:45pm

Parents: Don't Put Any Goddamn Candy In The Goodie Bag

I go to a lot of children's birthday parties. These parties are virtually identical. You go to a gym, you take off your kid's shoes, you hand your kid over to the 19-year-old girl making $6 an hour and wearing a bright red or blue shirt with the name of the gym on it (PLAY ZONE! GYMTASTIC! BALLS AND SHIT!), then you… »1/25/12 4:00pm1/25/12 4:00pm