The Cleats Everyone Will Wear At The World Cup Seem To Fucking Suck

So our staff illustrator was perusing the sneaker blogs today when he happened upon this neon-yellow/afterbirth abomination: the Nike Magista. These bad boys were first unveiled to the world today in Barcelona, and they're fucking fugly. That's fine; shoes don't have souls and they don't have mirrors, so they're… » 3/06/14 5:55pm 3/06/14 5:55pm

Taste Test: The Ruffles Ultimate Line, Which You Must Never Eat, Ever

» 7/20/13 3:00pm 7/20/13 3:00pm

Do not eat the Ruffles Ultimate chips and dips. Do not eat them. Don't ever eat them. Ever. They are awful, disgusting, hateful garbage; if they were a prank, no sane person in full possession of his or her faculties would ever fall for them. Don't eat them. Never eat them. Not ever. Never. Eat them not. Be not an… » 7/20/13 3:00pm 7/20/13 3:00pm

Taste Test: Uncrustables. What Does The Crustless PB&J Say About Us?

One of parenthood's myriad challenges, as any parent will attest, is finding the time in one's overscheduled, playdate- and tedious-errand-choked day to make weirdo peanut-butter-and-jelly-stuffed pierogi to foist upon our frightened and sobbing children. Thankfully, somebody at The J.M. Smucker Company is looking out… » 6/01/13 12:41pm 6/01/13 12:41pm

Taste Test: Popeyes Rip'n Chick'n. Who Thought This Was A Good Idea?

It began, one imagines, as a simple question, posed conspiratorially around a gleaming boardroom conference table in an upper floor of AFC Enterprises headquarters in Sandy Springs, Ga.: Why settle for chicken fingers, when you could have an entire horrifying rheumatoid chicken hand that you grimly rip apart like the… » 4/27/13 1:00pm 4/27/13 1:00pm

Taste Test: Will Dorito-Sheathed Tacos Be The End Of Us All?

You saunter up to the counter at your local Taco Bell, you order your Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco (taking care not to actually say all of that, for fear of creating the accurate impression that you have paid rapt attention to the television advertisements and planned this trip in advance; instead affecting your best… » 3/16/13 3:00pm 3/16/13 3:00pm

Why Does ESPN.com Insist On Referring To Bowls By Their Full,…

Reader Reggie pointed something out to us the other day: ESPN.com writers have a habit of referring to the various bowl games by their full, awkward, sponsored names. This is not how normal people write (unless it's to mock), so we went looking for examples. They were not hard to find. » 1/09/13 3:00pm 1/09/13 3:00pm

Who Owns Team USA: Nike Wins The Olympic Gold Medal Count

It's been 20 years since the Dream Team's Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and Magic Johnson showed the world which loyalties truly matter at the Olympics, wrapping themselves in the American flag on the gold-medal podium to cover up the Reebok logo on their warmups. So here in 2012, the United States won the London… » 8/16/12 5:00pm 8/16/12 5:00pm