Deadspin: carl monday

At Last, A Carl Monday Video That Will Never Be Rubbed Out

Tommy Craggs — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 16:05:57 EDT

For too long, the video of wanking correspondent Carl Monday's investigation into the activities of Mike Cooper's right hand has been subject to the whims of copyright enforcement. No longer. Here it is, brand spanking new, archived for all eternity.

Saints Players Just Want To Hang Out With Their Wangs Out

Pete Gaines — Sun, 03 May 2009 12:45:00 EDT

New Orleans is certainly a wild and wacky place, but that doesn't mean you can go around waving your junk at women in public willy-nilly, even if you're a member of the New Orleans Saints.

According to the intrepid Chad Bower of WWL-TV in New Orleans, Saints wide receiver Biren Ealy and tight end Kolomona Kapanui were arrested at around 1:30 this morning on charges of obscenity and disturbing the peace after they were spotted taking a leak in a parking lot. Fortunately for all of us, it didn't stop there:

Two women drove up to the two players and told them to stop, Fortunato said. Ealy, 24, then turned around, exposing himself in the process, and began making lewd comments, Fortunato said. After that Kapanui, 25, turned around and exposed himself as well; Fortunato said he was "fondling himself" and was making lewd comments.
The two women began yelling for help and called 911, Fortunato said.

Several questions come to mind.

1) What were the women wanting help with, exactly?
2) Why didn't the players just run away when the women started yelling?
3) What are the chances either of them are still on the Saints' roster at this time tomorrow?

This sounds like a case for Carl Monday.

Two Saints players arrested for urinating in public [WWL-TV]

Without Eternal Vigilance, It Could Happen Outside Of Your City College Women's Softball Practice

Rick Chandler — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 11:30:34 EST

Santa Barbara police arrested a "middle-aged male" for masturbating in the parking lot where the Santa Barbara City College softball team was practicing. Carl Monday is not amused.

Whatever you think of this guy, at least know that he came prepared. When campus security confronted him and looked into his car, they found paper towels, moisturizer and a "Barely Legal" magazine. Police identified the man as Harold Hall.

From The Channels, the Santa Barbara City College campus newspaper:

A city college student and softball player discovered Hall at 11 a.m. in the La Playa east parking lot, facing the stadium. While retrieving books from her car parked next to his, she saw him in the driver's seat, committing the lewd act with his shorts down. When she left the parking lot at 12:30 p.m. the student saw the man still in his car, and recorded the license plate number. She then called Congleton, her coach, who in turn notified the security office.

Security Supervisor Eric Fricke responded to the call, arriving in the parking lot at approximately 12:45. He found the vehicle described to him, blocking it in to prevent the man from leaving. Fricke questioned Hall, who eventually caved in to the evidence-beyond that of his masturbation accessories in the car, there was an eyewitness to the act.

Indecent exposure is running rampant at SBCC, it seems.

During fall semester, three reports of indecent exposure on campus have been reported. This is the second arrest that has been made, the first being a bagger from Von's, according to Paula Congleton, a City College softball coach.

The Action 4 News chopper is speeding toward southern California as we speak. Carl Monday smells another Emmy!

Man Arrested For Indecent Exposure In La Playa Stadium Parking Lot [The Channels]

Well, They're Back To Square One With The Old Folks Home Flasher Case

Rick Chandler — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 10:45:22 EST

Former sprint champion Mark Walcott was cleared on Thursday of charges that he exposed himself five times at two old folks homes in Britain, but at what cost? During the trial it was revealed that Walcott was having affairs with two women at the same time, both of whom were hauled into court to provide him with alibis. Also entered into evidence is a late contender for Deadspin Quote of the Year.

Earlier prosecutor David Iles told the jury Walcott considered himself a “glorious physical specimen who is a treat and privilege for the fairer sex to behold.” Mr Iles added: “He thinks he is God’s gift.”

I think I'll use that as my bio if I ever write a book.

Walcott, aged 34, cried and held his head in his hands as a jury at Wolverhampton Crown Court took just 90 minutes to return unanimous not guilty verdicts on all counts. Walcott had been arrested on the street outside of one of the homes, which had installed security cameras due to a man — who fit Walcott's desription — exposing himself to the elderly residents. Walcott claimed innocence, noting that there was a person in the neighborhood who was "a dead ringer" for him.

But police thought it suspicious that Walcott was out at 3 a.m. So, handcuffs ensued.

His Polish lover Aga Michalska was brought in to vouch for his whereabouts on some of the nights it is claimed he was outside the homes, while another woman, Puja Dheiman, was called to explain how she was with him in a Birmingham nightclub on another occasion. His girlfriend of 11 years and mother of his baby Deborah Price gave evidence that she knew he was having affairs, but that he was not capable of flashing at elderly residents and staff at the homes.

And so the search continues for the real pervert, the man whom police have dubbed “The Darlo Flasher,” and is still on the loose. Could he now be in your town, exposing himself to your grandma?

Former Athlete Cleared Of Flashing [Express And Star]

Ashley Todd Is Your New Mike Cooper

Rick Paulas — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 13:00:54 EDT

This is Ashley Todd. Ashley recently made some news when she was was mugged near at ATM by "a dark-skinned black man" who, after finding out she supported John McCain, carved a "B" on her face for some kind of pro-Obama viral ad campaign. However, the cops got kind of suspicious when they saw the B was on backwards, did some investigating, and found out she was making the whole thing up as some kind of race-baiting swift boat attack. That, or she was just nuts.

In any case, this is her being led away by cops while wearing a Tennessee Volunteers sweatshirt. For those in need of last-minute Halloween costume ideas: You have your instructions. Just make sure the "B" is on your face the right way, by which I mean, the wrong way.

(Disclaimer: The title of this post is in no way intended to diminish the importance or uniqueness of the Cooper/Monday fiasco. Library masturbation is far more hilarious, and satisfying, than racism-based hoaxes.)

Ashley Todd + Tennessee Vols = LOSERS [Bumpshack]

Week In Review: What's the Frequency, Carl Monday?

DAULERIO — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 18:45:42 EDT

Here's a photo Carl Monday submitted from commenter "That Just Happened" when the jack-happy roving reporter attended the ribbon cutting ceremony of Cleveland''s RTA HealthLine, which is a big fancy bus. Public transportation frotteurists in Cleveland should reconsider using this line to satisfy their need for public groping.

Anyway, let's see: Isiah Thomas, Erin Andrews, Bill Simmons, Carl Monday...yeah. It's turn back the clock day on Deadspin, apparently.

Let's see what else happened this week:

• Drew Magary: baseball fan

• Taking out the Philly trash

• Cathletes

• Buzzsaw Politico

• Favre keeps having phone trouble

• Rays fans are wretched

• Isiah has some sleep problems

Oh and the World Series. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Phillies lost last night. I didn't write about it. I am officially a front-running bitch.

Going to the game tomorrow though. And apparently Tuffy will be liveblogging it. He's kind of like Sussman, but with longer finger nails. Joining Tuffy in KOGOD's Weekend Army this weekend will be Rick Paulas. So Deadspin this weekend will look exactly like Sports By Brooks last weekend.

Enjoy your weekends. Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin.

Remembering The Great Carl Monday

Will Leitch — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:04:25 EDT

Anyone who just came across this site in the last two years might know about the genius that is Carl Monday. With our last week upon us, we felt it was the least we could do to reintroduce you all.

The Carl Monday saga might be our favorite story we ever had on this site, which we suppose is fitting, considering it's not about sports at all. (If poor Mike Cooper had been wearing a Fubu sweatshirt, rather than an Ohio State one, the world might have never known.) We think this video is like an old novel you pick up every couple of years to revisit, and lounge with. We just like to see all the old characters again. We miss them.

We were going to try to interview Carl Monday for the last week of the site, but honestly, no one would know what we were talking about, and he wouldn't have done it anyway.

The Most Briliiant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

Stanley Pringle: Jackin' It

Leitch — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 09:15:00 EDT

You know, it's really annoying when athletes-masturbating-in-libraries stories break in the evening and we have to wait until morning to write about them. If we can't be your leader in library masturbation coverage, we're not sure what our point is.

Anyway, Penn State guard Stanley Pringle was charged yesterday for getting his Mike Cooper on.

Police said Pringle, the team's point guard, sat behind the victim in the stacks section of the library, attempted to start a conversation with the woman and began masturbating. Police have filed charges of public lewdness and disorderly conduct against him in connection to the incident, but Centre County District Judge Jonathan Grine, who is out of the office, was unable to sign the criminal complaint as of 2 p.m. today. Without the signed complaint, Pringle cannot be formally arrested.

For the record, Penn State is denying the charges.

So, did this:

exhaust every possible library masturbation joke you could come up with? Let's find out.

Basketball Player To Be Charged In Library Masturbation [Daily Collegian]
Deadspin Hall Of Fame: Carl Monday [Deadspin]

(By the way, it's just great to see that video again. We miss it sometimes.)

It Is Time, Once Again, To Wank For A Cause

rickchand — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 16:40:08 EST

It's the news you dared not hope was true: Nearly 10 years after it was introduced in San Francisco, the Masturbate-A-Thon is making its triumphant return. To The Netherlands! What took you so long, Dutch people? (Carl Monday dons raincoat, sounds the Action 4 News Team alert). Oh, like you had anything better to do.

Hot on the heels of San Francisco and London, Copenhagen is to host a Masturbate-a-Thon in May which organizers hope will help break lingering taboos about self-love, an organizer said Wednesday. "Masturbation is positive, safe and an erotic alternative," she told AFP ahead of the event on May 31, to take place at a yet-to-be-decided venue with separate rooms for men, women and those who don't mind mingling.

Mind? I insist!

I wonder, are visual aids allowed? "STEPHEN A. SMITH ONLY NEEDS A PHOTO OF HIMSELF TO GET THE JOB DONE! THAT IS SO EROTIC! STEPHEN A. SMITH IS TURNING HIMSELF ON!"

———————————————-
Manually pleasured with my Blackberry Wireless

The Masturbate-A-Thon Is Coming To Copehhagen [Inquirer.Net]

Evildoers, Beware!

Leitch — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 16:40:30 EDT

Guess who's back, folks ... GUESS WHO'S BACK?!

Yep, after serving out his "do not compete" waiting period after his switch to WOIO-TV, Carl Monday is back on duty, ready to ferret out all evildoers and bring them to justice.

Carl now has his own page, though no word if he's going to have his own blog again. But one thing is certain: Cleveland, your four-month free ride is OVER. You better recognize.

Carl Monday: The Investigator [WOIO]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]
Deadspin Hall Of Fame Inductee Carl Monday [Deadspin]

They Nominated Carl Monday For Another Emmy .. For THAT Story!

Leitch — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 17:10:29 EDT

When we stumbled across the infamous Carl Monday / Mike Cooper / library masturbation story more than a year ago, we were stunned when we learned that the Deadspin Hall of Famer had, in fact, won several Emmys. Could this be right? Was the library story just a rare misstep in a career of legitimate muckraking journalism?

And then we saw this: Carl Monday has been nominated for another Emmy ... for the library story! No, seriously: Here's the complete list of nominees.

We don't mean to imply that perhaps the standards are lower for Cleveland area newscasts, but it's seriously possibly that, for what he did to Mike Cooper (and for the rest of the planet), Carl Monday is going to win an Emmy. Wonder what he'll do with it.

2006 Cleveland Emmy Nominations (PDF)
Directors Alert [WKYC]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

Carl Monday: The Early Years

rickchand — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 12:50:05 EDT

Ever wonder what drives crusading field journalist Carl Monday? He didn't just pursue the Mike Cooper library case out of thin air; there had to be an underlying force, some childhood trauma, perhaps, which would cause him in later life to obsess over a perfectly ordinary human function. We wonder what that could have been? What psychologically tumultuous event from his distant memory served to push him toward investigative reporting in a trenchcoat? Hmmm.

Actually our little film appears to be too recent to be depicting Carl Monday, we think. But a young Sean Salisbury is entirely possible.

Caught In The Act [YouTube, via Noob]
The Carl Monday Saga [Deadspin]

You Can't Keep A Good Trenchcoat Down

Leitch — Mon, 21 May 2007 13:15:07 EDT

Technically speaking, our old pal Carl Monday is contractually obliged to stay off the air until October after switching stations in Cleveland. But there is corruption to be uncovered, and evildoers to be apprehended! And he's not about to let a silly non-compete clause stand in the way of finding the TRUTH!

Action 19 News started airing news reports bearing Carl's distinct overdramatic style. The promos for these spots feature a picture, shot from behind, of a trench coat-clad man who looks suspiciously like the man himself. They call these stories "CM Investigations." Carl's name appears nowhere on the screen, and the stories seem to have been reported by someone else. Action News anchor Paul Joncich narrates this one, about Cadillac owners who have had their rims ripped off.

But the CM Investigation tip line goes directly to Carl's voicemail. Apparently, Action 19 has found a way to put Carl to work and (almost) take advantage of The Carl Monday Brand without expressly violating Carl's non-compete clause.

That, friends, is dedication to reporting. We have missed him so; the stamp of Carl Monday is an unmistakable one.

Carl Monday Is BACK! [Clevescene]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

Folks, Do We Ever Have The Job For You

Leitch — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 19:15:13 EDT

A few months ago, we told how our old friend Carl Monday was taking on a new gig with a new station. Well, he's fortifying for his investigations; he's hiring an assistant, and that assistant could be you.

Cleveland's Dean of Investigative Reporters looking for part time researcher. Help flush out tips, examine public documents, conduct occasional surveillance. Computer assisted reporting skills, familiarity with government agencies, hands on reporting experience a plus.

(Warning: Way too easy joke coming.) Careful of that hands-on experience! It's a part-time research position, so it probably doesn't pay much ... but God, the perks!

To apply, simply email Carl at CMonday@19actionnews.com or call at 216-367-7311. If one of you guys doesn't get this job, we'll be sorely disappointed. Good luck!

Researcher Needed [SPJ] (via Craig Silverman)
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

Carl Monday Is Now Ready To Get Serious

Leitch — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 14:00:57 EST

As we close the book on Super Bowl XLI and look forward to the future, we think it's important to remember where we came from, who shaped us and made us who we are today. We're talking of course about the great Carl Monday, who announced over the weekend that he's jumping ship and heading to a new Cleveland television station. But that's not all: He's earning a new lease on life, too, and he's gonna Change His Ways.

"We're tickled. He's going to fit in perfectly," said Channel 19 news director Dan Salamone. Salamone said he looks forward to returning Monday to meaningful investigations, "as opposed to some of the rubbish he's been asked to do the last few years."

Rubbish! Rubbish? RUBBISH?! Clearly, this "Dan Salamone" character knows not of which he speaks. A non-compete clause will force Monday off the airwaves, sadly, until late summer, so if you're up for some public library jacking, you now know just how long you have to fit it in.

Investigator Monday Jumps To Channel 19 [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

(We've mentioned this before, but the Carl Monday-Mike Cooper saga still might be our favorite thing we've ever had on this site. We honestly go back and watch it once every couple of weeks.)

Deadspin SHOTY Tournament: Carl Monday Vs. Barbaro

Leitch — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 14:00:29 EST

And here we are, the matchup we are personally most curious about, the one featuring the infamous Carl Monday and good ole Barbaro, who would be a late charger if only his hoof would grow. We have been looking forward to this one since this got started.

The polls for the semis will be open all the way through the holidays, until January 4, so feel free to take your time making up your mind. Because it's for all the marbles, as they say. And we mean marbles: We're going to send marbles to the winner. Here's the most recent bracket:

The matchup breakdown:

No. 2 Seed: Carl Monday
2006 Highlights
Blew the lid off a nationwide epidemic.
Inspired one of the few amusing Dilbert parodies we've ever seen.
Went after poor Mike Cooper one more time, just for good times' sake.
Inspired his own minor league baseball promotion.
Hit the big time of "The Daily Show."
Became a popular Halloween costume.

No. 3 Seed: Barbaro
2006 Highlights
Crashed out at the Preakness.
Inspired some amazing letters (and haiku!).
Banged a woman, fictionally.
Didn't die. In fact, got, uh, a few more letters.

So, go vote: Who is headed for the SHOTY Title Game?

Deadspin SHOTY Tournament: Carl Monday Vs. Stephen A. Smith

Leitch — Thu, 07 Dec 2006 14:00:08 EST

All right: Time for the next step in the Elite Eight. This thing is gonna fly by now, by the way; the final two Elite Eight matchups will be next week, and then it's Final Four time, and then, jeez, then this whole virtual construction is completed. To remind you, here's the bracket (Berman's got a considerable lead over Leinart, but there's still time to vote.)

The lone break of seed in the first round involved Stephen A. Smith taking down Ozzie Guillen, a matchup that probably had the seeds reversed anyway. But he's got an awfully daunting foe this time: The infamous Carl Monday, who is everywhere, watching everything, keeping the streets safe. But you know that by now.

The matchup breakdown:

No. 10 Seed: Stephen A. Smith
2006 Highlights
Called David Letterman "Jay."
Begged for audience members.
Enjoyed many Cheesy Doodles.
Encouraged his audience to boo his guests.
Attempted to blame previous transgression on us.
Solved the crisis in the Middle East.

So, go vote: Who is headed for the Final Four?

Deadspin SHOTY Tournament: Carl Monday Vs. Ricky Manning Jr.

Leitch — Thu, 16 Nov 2006 14:00:00 EST

We're off to the next first-round matchup, and this one seems likely to be more of a blowout than the potential upset brewing in the Roethlisberger-Mikulik matchup. (Polls are open, by the way, until all first round matchups are completed.)

Today, it's No. 2 seed Carl Monday, who has gained a bit of notoriety around here, taking on notorious technophobe Ricky Manning, Jr., cornerback for the Chicago Bears.

It's a No. 2 vs. No. 15 battle; will we have a Iowa State-Hampton? Let's dig so deep into the faceoff that we won't be able to tell which end is up.

No. 15 Seed: Ricky Manning Jr.
2006 Highlights
Showed considerable displeasure with your computing technology.

So, go vote: Who advances to the Elite Eight?

Please Heed These Tips For A Safe And Fun Halloween

rickchand — Mon, 30 Oct 2006 14:45:46 EST

This is for all of you Halloween revelers who are planning on being clever tomorrow night and dress up like Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. And you know who you are. We see you with the Paul Hogan hat and the toy sting ray and the too-tight khaki shorts, and we're begging you to stop. My God, many of you even have toy crocodiles. Ecch. Just don't do it. And not because it would be in poor taste, but because it's lame; everyone is going to have the same idea. From the Snopes.com message board:

I just had a conversation with the woman who runs our giftshop here at work. Apparently there has been a run on the stuffed animal stingrays along with the kid size zookeeper outfits. Folks intend to sew the rays to the front and send the kids out on Halloween as Steve Irwin. Man that's harsh. Ironically, the womans name is Barb. (honest truth). — Best, Mark Rehling, Aquarium Biologist, Cleveland Metroparks Zoo.

Imagine an entire neighborhhood of kids walking around saying "crikey." It's embarrassing. It's wrong. Do you want your children to end up like the poor little bastards who once wore these? Think about it. Just watch this week's South Park. Should explain the whole matter.

May we suggest instead:

• Keggy. Hours of fun for the entire family. (Please return costume by 11 a.m. Wednesday or forfeit deposit).

• Chris Berman. (Combover sold separately).

• Mr. Celery. A bagful of candy, and a nutrious snack.

• Coach Janky Spanky. Ironically, Halloween is the only night that Clinton Portis doesn't dress up.

• Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis. "Hey, where are all my sofa cushions? Kids!"

• Carl Monday. Trenchcoat, check. Mustache, check. Microphone, check. Never mind the candy, ma'm; Anyone in there jackin' it?

Wait ... somebody beat us to this one!

Worst Halloween Costumes Of All Time [RetroCrush]
It's The Crocodile Hunter, Charile Brown [Snopes.com]

Another Carl Monday costume, from brilliant reader John Stokes, after the jump.

Someone Should Probably Do A Report About This

Leitch — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 11:00:22 EDT

We don't want to make too big of a deal out of this; we are talking about a guy's family here. But it appears clear that that our favorite investigative reporter, who makes a side living busting repeated drunk drivers, should probably keep an eye closer to home.

The daughter of Earth's investigative reporter Carl Monday was arrested over the weekend for drunk driving — her second offense — but the larger issue was her charge for assault. Apparently, Melissa Hollmeyer, who was in Cleveland though she lives in Michigan, "slipped out of one of her handcuffs. When the officers tried to get it back on, she kicked a female officer in one of her legs."

It, obviously, has not been the best of weeks for Carl, but we don't want to harass Carl and his daughter for their personal difficulties and flirtations on the wrong side of the law. That just seems, so, invasive.

TV Reporter's Daughter Charged With DUI, Assault [NewsNet5]