The Carl Monday saga might be our favorite story we ever had on this site, which we suppose is fitting, considering it's not about sports at all. (If poor Mike Cooper had been wearing a Fubu sweatshirt, rather than an Ohio State one, the world might have never known.) We think this video is like an old novel you pick up every couple of years to revisit, and lounge with. We just like to see all the old characters again. We miss them.

We were going to try to interview Carl Monday for the last week of the site, but honestly, no one would know what we were talking about, and he wouldn't have done it anyway.

The Most Briliiant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

Anyway, Penn State guard Stanley Pringle was charged yesterday for getting his Mike Cooper on.

Police said Pringle, the team's point guard, sat behind the victim in the stacks section of the library, attempted to start a conversation with the woman and began masturbating. Police have filed charges of public lewdness and disorderly conduct against him in connection to the incident, but Centre County District Judge Jonathan Grine, who is out of the office, was unable to sign the criminal complaint as of 2 p.m. today. Without the signed complaint, Pringle cannot be formally arrested.

For the record, Penn State is denying the charges.

So, did this:

exhaust every possible library masturbation joke you could come up with? Let's find out.

Basketball Player To Be Charged In Library Masturbation [Daily Collegian]
Deadspin Hall Of Fame: Carl Monday [Deadspin]

(By the way, it's just great to see that video again. We miss it sometimes.)

Red Sox scout Jesse Levis got his Dick Williams on by allegedly masturbating in his hotel room while watching two underaged girls in the pool below. Uh-oh.

A scout for the Boston Red Sox accused of committing a lewd act in a hotel room that overlooked the pool where at least two teenage girls saw him was arrested Monday, police said Tuesday. Jesse Levis, 39, faces two felony counts of committing lewd and lascivious acts in the presense of children less than 16.

Levis, if Baseball Reference is to be trusted (and it usually is), a former catcher for the Indians and Brewers, and the former manager of the Kingston Mets. He's also one of the few prominent Jewish ballplayers. Here's an old Q&A with him from the Cincinnati Enquirer from 2002. He never actually played for the Reds, but, you know, we couldn't help but suspect an Ohio connection.

Red Sox Scout Arrested [ABC2 News]

(Here's the full arrest report.)

Hot on the heels of San Francisco and London, Copenhagen is to host a Masturbate-a-Thon in May which organizers hope will help break lingering taboos about self-love, an organizer said Wednesday. "Masturbation is positive, safe and an erotic alternative," she told AFP ahead of the event on May 31, to take place at a yet-to-be-decided venue with separate rooms for men, women and those who don't mind mingling.

Mind? I insist!

I wonder, are visual aids allowed? "STEPHEN A. SMITH ONLY NEEDS A PHOTO OF HIMSELF TO GET THE JOB DONE! THAT IS SO EROTIC! STEPHEN A. SMITH IS TURNING HIMSELF ON!"

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—--
Manually pleasured with my Blackberry Wireless

The Masturbate-A-Thon Is Coming To Copehhagen [Inquirer.Net]

Violating Goalposts Will Help You Win Games [100 Percent Injury Rate]

Yep, after serving out his "do not compete" waiting period after his switch to WOIO-TV, Carl Monday is back on duty, ready to ferret out all evildoers and bring them to justice.

Carl now has his own page, though no word if he's going to have his own blog again. But one thing is certain: Cleveland, your four-month free ride is OVER. You better recognize.

Carl Monday: The Investigator [WOIO]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]
Deadspin Hall Of Fame Inductee Carl Monday [Deadspin]

And then we saw this: Carl Monday has been nominated for another Emmy ... for the library story! No, seriously: Here's the complete list of nominees.

We don't mean to imply that perhaps the standards are lower for Cleveland area newscasts, but it's seriously possibly that, for what he did to Mike Cooper (and for the rest of the planet), Carl Monday is going to win an Emmy. Wonder what he'll do with it.

2006 Cleveland Emmy Nominations (PDF)
Directors Alert [WKYC]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

Ever wonder what drives crusading field journalist Carl Monday? He didn't just pursue the Mike Cooper library case out of thin air; there had to be an underlying force, some childhood trauma, perhaps, which would cause him in later life to obsess over a perfectly ordinary human function. We wonder what that could have been? What psychologically tumultuous event from his distant memory served to push him toward investigative reporting in a trenchcoat? Hmmm.

Actually our little film appears to be too recent to be depicting Carl Monday, we think. But a young Sean Salisbury is entirely possible.

Caught In The Act [YouTube, via Noob]
The Carl Monday Saga [Deadspin]

Action 19 News started airing news reports bearing Carl's distinct overdramatic style. The promos for these spots feature a picture, shot from behind, of a trench coat-clad man who looks suspiciously like the man himself. They call these stories "CM Investigations." Carl's name appears nowhere on the screen, and the stories seem to have been reported by someone else. Action News anchor Paul Joncich narrates this one, about Cadillac owners who have had their rims ripped off.

But the CM Investigation tip line goes directly to Carl's voicemail. Apparently, Action 19 has found a way to put Carl to work and (almost) take advantage of The Carl Monday Brand without expressly violating Carl's non-compete clause.

That, friends, is dedication to reporting. We have missed him so; the stamp of Carl Monday is an unmistakable one.

Carl Monday Is BACK! [Clevescene]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

Cleveland's Dean of Investigative Reporters looking for part time researcher. Help flush out tips, examine public documents, conduct occasional surveillance. Computer assisted reporting skills, familiarity with government agencies, hands on reporting experience a plus.

(Warning: Way too easy joke coming.) Careful of that hands-on experience! It's a part-time research position, so it probably doesn't pay much ... but God, the perks!

To apply, simply email Carl at CMonday@19actionnews.com or call at 216-367-7311. If one of you guys doesn't get this job, we'll be sorely disappointed. Good luck!

Researcher Needed [SPJ] (via Craig Silverman)
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

"We're tickled. He's going to fit in perfectly," said Channel 19 news director Dan Salamone. Salamone said he looks forward to returning Monday to meaningful investigations, "as opposed to some of the rubbish he's been asked to do the last few years."

Rubbish! Rubbish? RUBBISH?! Clearly, this "Dan Salamone" character knows not of which he speaks. A non-compete clause will force Monday off the airwaves, sadly, until late summer, so if you're up for some public library jacking, you now know just how long you have to fit it in.

Investigator Monday Jumps To Channel 19 [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

(We've mentioned this before, but the Carl Monday-Mike Cooper saga still might be our favorite thing we've ever had on this site. We honestly go back and watch it once every couple of weeks.)

And here we are, the matchup we are personally most curious about, the one featuring the infamous Carl Monday and good ole Barbaro, who would be a late charger if only his hoof would grow. We have been looking forward to this one since this got started.

The polls for the semis will be open all the way through the holidays, until January 4, so feel free to take your time making up your mind. Because it's for all the marbles, as they say. And we mean marbles: We're going to send marbles to the winner. Here's the most recent bracket:

The matchup breakdown:

No. 2 Seed: Carl Monday
2006 Highlights
Blew the lid off a nationwide epidemic.
Inspired one of the few amusing Dilbert parodies we've ever seen.
Went after poor Mike Cooper one more time, just for good times' sake.
Inspired his own minor league baseball promotion.
Hit the big time of "The Daily Show."
Became a popular Halloween costume.

No. 3 Seed: Barbaro
2006 Highlights
Crashed out at the Preakness.
Inspired some amazing letters (and haiku!).
Banged a woman, fictionally.
Didn't die. In fact, got, uh, a few more letters.

So, go vote: Who is headed for the SHOTY Title Game?

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

All right: Time for the next step in the Elite Eight. This thing is gonna fly by now, by the way; the final two Elite Eight matchups will be next week, and then it's Final Four time, and then, jeez, then this whole virtual construction is completed. To remind you, here's the bracket (Berman's got a considerable lead over Leinart, but there's still time to vote.)

The lone break of seed in the first round involved Stephen A. Smith taking down Ozzie Guillen, a matchup that probably had the seeds reversed anyway. But he's got an awfully daunting foe this time: The infamous Carl Monday, who is everywhere, watching everything, keeping the streets safe. But you know that by now.

The matchup breakdown:

No. 2 Seed: Carl Monday
2006 Highlights
Blew the lid off a nationwide epidemic.
Inspired one of the few amusing Dilbert parodies we've ever seen.
Went after poor Mike Cooper one more time, just for good times' sake.
Inspired his own minor league baseball promotion.
Hit the big time of "The Daily Show."
Became a popular Halloween costume.

No. 10 Seed: Stephen A. Smith
2006 Highlights
Called David Letterman "Jay."
Begged for audience members.
Enjoyed many Cheesy Doodles.
Encouraged his audience to boo his guests.
Attempted to blame previous transgression on us.
Solved the crisis in the Middle East.

So, go vote: Who is headed for the Final Four?

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

The Tribeca Film Festival is teaming up with Walt Disney Co.-owned ESPN Inc. to launch a sports film festival showcasing independent sports films at next year's Tribeca festival.

"Independent film has grown exponentially in the last few years, and sports-themed films have grown with it," said John Skipper, ESPN executive vice president of content, in a statement. "Together, we hope to inspire filmmakers to makes sports-themed films with this new platform in mind and thereby raise the level of the genre."

When we think of scrappy independent films, we can't deny that ESPN immediately comes to mind. Who can forget the infamous scene of Harvey Keitel masturbating and grunting while standing outside the ESPN Zone, or the time Michael Madsen cut off Dan Patrick's ear? It's a perfect match!

We have a feeling you can come up with some potential ESPN independent films. We'd love to see David Lynch directing "Quite Frankly," actually.

Tribeca, ESPN To Debut Film Festival In 2007 [New York Business Journal]

Nevertheless: We kind of couldn't let this one go. In a column written in tribute to late Cleveland-area broadcaster Casey Coleman, Cleveland Plain-Dealer Akron Beacon-Journal columnist Terry Pluto — an eight-time winner of the Ohio Sportswriter Of The Year award — talks about how his and Coleman's shared faith helped them overcome their respective addictions. Coleman once had a drinking problem. Pluto had different issues.

Casey was convinced God delivered him from alcoholism. I believe the same about what God did to take pornography out of my life. We talked about how we couldn't deny what we did and who we were, but we didn't have to stay stuck in the past.

We really talked about things that mattered: about how we were both blessed to have tremendous wives; about how we could not afford to slip up; about how we were one drink or one click of a computer mouse from losing all God gave us.

We mean not to mock Pluto's faith; faith is a personal matter and not something we feel is worthy of ridicule. (Quite the opposite, actually.) We just, uh ... well, we guess we just maybe don't need quite this much information from our sports columnists.

He's right about the click of a mouse, though. (Link NSFW, obviously.)

Casey Coleman's Life Reached Beyond Sports [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

We're off to the next first-round matchup, and this one seems likely to be more of a blowout than the potential upset brewing in the Roethlisberger-Mikulik matchup. (Polls are open, by the way, until all first round matchups are completed.)

Today, it's No. 2 seed Carl Monday, who has gained a bit of notoriety around here, taking on notorious technophobe Ricky Manning, Jr., cornerback for the Chicago Bears.

It's a No. 2 vs. No. 15 battle; will we have a Iowa State-Hampton? Let's dig so deep into the faceoff that we won't be able to tell which end is up.

No. 2 Seed: Carl Monday
2006 Highlights
Blew the lid off a nationwide epidemic.
Inspired one of the few amusing Dilbert parodies we've ever seen.
Went after poor Mike Cooper one more time, just for good times' sake.
Inspired his own minor league baseball promotion.
Hit the big time of "The Daily Show."
Became a popular Halloween costume.

No. 15 Seed: Ricky Manning Jr.
2006 Highlights
Showed considerable displeasure with your computing technology.

So, go vote: Who advances to the Elite Eight?

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

I just had a conversation with the woman who runs our giftshop here at work. Apparently there has been a run on the stuffed animal stingrays along with the kid size zookeeper outfits. Folks intend to sew the rays to the front and send the kids out on Halloween as Steve Irwin. Man that's harsh. Ironically, the womans name is Barb. (honest truth). — Best, Mark Rehling, Aquarium Biologist, Cleveland Metroparks Zoo.

Imagine an entire neighborhhood of kids walking around saying "crikey." It's embarrassing. It's wrong. Do you want your children to end up like the poor little bastards who once wore these? Think about it. Just watch this week's South Park. Should explain the whole matter.

May we suggest instead:

• Keggy. Hours of fun for the entire family. (Please return costume by 11 a.m. Wednesday or forfeit deposit).

• Chris Berman. (Combover sold separately).

• Mr. Celery. A bagful of candy, and a nutrious snack.

• Coach Janky Spanky. Ironically, Halloween is the only night that Clinton Portis doesn't dress up.

• Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis. "Hey, where are all my sofa cushions? Kids!"

• Carl Monday. Trenchcoat, check. Mustache, check. Microphone, check. Never mind the candy, ma'm; Anyone in there jackin' it?

Wait ... somebody beat us to this one!

Worst Halloween Costumes Of All Time [RetroCrush]
It's The Crocodile Hunter, Charile Brown [Snopes.com]

Another Carl Monday costume, from brilliant reader John Stokes, after the jump.

The daughter of Earth's investigative reporter Carl Monday was arrested over the weekend for drunk driving — her second offense — but the larger issue was her charge for assault. Apparently, Melissa Hollmeyer, who was in Cleveland though she lives in Michigan, "slipped out of one of her handcuffs. When the officers tried to get it back on, she kicked a female officer in one of her legs."

It, obviously, has not been the best of weeks for Carl, but we don't want to harass Carl and his daughter for their personal difficulties and flirtations on the wrong side of the law. That just seems, so, invasive.

TV Reporter's Daughter Charged With DUI, Assault [NewsNet5]

Well, here it is: Carl Monday being bum-rushed on "The Daily Show." The segment is as entertaining as we could have hoped — we love Jason Jones' Monday-esque intro — and, we hope, succeeds in finally crossing Carl over to an America that will never, ever be ready for him.

Congratulations, Carl. We're proud to have known you way back when. And to think all this started just because poor Mike Cooper happened to be wearing an Ohio State sweatshirt.

The Most Brillant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]
Hall Of Fame Inductee: Carl Monday [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: WKYC, Carl's station, has some extra footage. And it's pretty amazing.)

From Carl's always relentless blog this weekend:

It's 7:30am...and a "reporter" and two photographers are camped out at the end of my driveway. Wait...isn't that my job? The "reporter" approaches and barks out something like this......"Carl, I'm a big fan of yours. How do you like going after sleeze bags?"

This must be some kind of a joke. Well, in fact it is. The kind you find on Comedy Central. More to the point, the cable commedy icon....John Stewart Show. Yea, I know the guy is enormously popular...even hosted the Oscars....but at 11pm..I'm usually watching the local news and admit to not owning Tivo.

Seems Stewart's producers sent the crew to Cleveland to do a "bit" on me. They hung around all day...sticking their microphone in the faces of downtowners...and Channel 3 staffers. They hung around the station...and finally, by late afternoon...we "confronted" them...a case of dueling confrontations if you will...in the Channel 3 parking lot.
The "reporter" asked rediculous questions..and wasted no time regressing to comments about the "library story." You can guess where the "interview" went from there. The "spoof" is supposed to air this week on the Commedy Channel. We'll give you a heads up on WKYC.COM.

Hoo boy. We will stay glued to "The Commedy Channel" all week; this could turn out somewhat amusing.

John Stewart Crew Confronts Carl Monday [WKYC]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

Yes, Carl won his, by our count, 31st regional Emmy last week, and it was a special one: It appeared not to be for any individual story but instead for "journalistic enterprise." This catch-all phrase allows him to earn his Emmy for creating his own little niche, which we respect and absolutely support. We feel bad for those who must lose to Carl seemingly every year; what's it gonna take to beat that guy?

So, congratulations, Carl. We imagine you constantly checking on your 31 Emmys to make sure none of them have tried to have sex with each other.

WJW-8 Takes Home Seven Local Emmys; WOIO-19 Gets Six [Cleveland Plain-Dealer]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]
Hall Of Fame Inductee: Carl Monday [Deadspin]

Presenting the final (for now) member of the inaugural class of the Deadspin Hall Of Fame ...

Carl Monday.

An obvious pick, and we can think of no greater honor. By the way, "Run You F—-ing Dinosaur, Run!" was just over the 75 percent threshold but was plagued by countless "voting irregularities." So, sorry, we couldn't include it ...

Naw, just kidding.

We had to allow the Chicago-Daley-type votes, because, frankly, stuffing ballot boxes for an obscure phrase about a furry dinosaur seems like the very definition of the Deadspin way. As for us, we voted for: Orton, cheerleaders, Stephen A. Smith, the dinosaur, the sex boat ... and Barbaro.

As mentioned, today is the one year anniversary of Deadspin. (Look, here's our "real" post. Ignore the date, it's wrong.) We will be "celebrating" deep into the night tonight, but we wanted to thank you for making the last year of our lives as enjoyable as one could possibly hope for. We don't know about you, but we're planning to have many more. Thank you.

(Plaque by Jim Cooke.)

We're gonna do it anyway, though, so some thoughts the day after.

• Number Of Nominees And Percentage Vote Needed. Since we have, obviously, a lot to sort through this weekend, we are limiting ourselves to 12 nominees, two a day, until next Tuesday, starting Monday. The polls will not be closed until induction day. Also, we've decided that 66.6 percent is, in fact, too low; we don't want a Tony Perez slipping through just because it happens to be trendy at that moment. So we're bumping it up to 75 percent. It should be very difficult to be enshrined.

• Location. Since we've yet to actually lease space, the actual hallowed halls must remain, for now, theoretical. But we can't imagine a better place than Berea. We just gotta figure out a way.

• Commenters. Many have suggested inducting individual commenters, or just "Commenters" as a whole. First off, we will be doing something specific involving commenters in the coming months, so for now, know that your praises of the best ones are being heard, and sit tight. As for "Commenters" in general ... we believe that commenters are so inherent and vital to the site that inducting them as a group would be like inducting "bat," "ball," "bases" and "players" to the Baseball Hall Of Fame. We're open for disagreement on this, though.

• The Inaugural Class. The more we've thought about it, we don't see any way we can even put two stories up for debate: They're just in the first class, and we can't imagine anyone possibly disagreeing. We'll do a formal induction in a couple of weeks, but we'd like to be the first to congratulate "You're With Me Leather" and Carl Monday for initial induction into the Deadspin Hall Of Fame. Their inductions include subsections — Mike Cooper, Damien Fahey, Neil Everett, "I'm a combat vet!" — we'll get into during the actual induction, but for now ... their inductions cover it all. Congratulations to them both. Other nominees coming Monday. And thank you.

(UPDATE: Commenter Wingman just came up with what we think is the perfect idea. To wit:

This is exactly what we should do. We're kind of blown away by this idea, actually.)

Tonight, friends, is the official You're With Me, Leather Day for the Dunedin Blue Jays, where they'll be giving way T-shirts — the staff will be wearing them as well — and giving out leather baseball to kids, because really, it's all about the kids. They will also be announcing each player's name Berman style, just to contribute to the public good, and we're told they're looking for suggestions, if you're into that type of thing.

So, yeah, it's a special night. Here's hoping that Berman Berman doesn't control the weather.

You're With Me, Leather Day [Dunedin Blue Jays]
Carl Monday: An Investigative Internet Legend [Cleveland Plain-Dealer]
Dunedin Blue Jays Roster, For Berman Names Purposes [Dunedin Blue Jays]
Beware The Power Of Carl Monday [Deadspin]

Writes a Blue Jays representative:

Unfortunately, our game got rained out, so we won't be having Mustache Monday. We will be moving it to tomorrow (Mustache Tuesday), when we'll play a double header starting at 5pm. The game was called due to loss of power; a transformer was hit by lightning and we were told it wouldn't get fixed for a few hours.

That's right: Carl Monday Night was postponed because of lightning. Clearly, Carl is able to control the weather and is NONE TOO HAPPY. Hell hath no fury like a CLEVELAND'S INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER scorned.

They're going to try the doubleheader tonight; same admission rules as yesterday apply. But please, be careful out there.

Hope Your Mustaches Are All Grown [Deadspin]

The following fans will recieve a general admission ticket for just $3.

All fans named "Carl" or any form of "Carl" (including Karl, Carla, Carlo, Carlos, etc).
Fans that have any part of their name that happens to also be a day of the week (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc.
Fans with mustaches, fake mustaches, or drawn on mustaches (no beards)
Fans wearing an Ohio State shirt/sweathsirt.
If a fan fits all four descriptions, they will recieve a general admission ticket for free.

In addition, it's also Ernie Whitt Night at the ballpark. If anybody makes it out there, we obviously would love a photographic record. And just three more days until YWML Thursday. Active week.

Carl Monday Mustache Night [Dunedin Blue Jays]
It's Carl Monday Night At The Ballpark [Deadspin]

(By the way, we've been informed that we are to tell you that YWML T-shirts are 20 percent off this week. So you know.)

(UPDATE: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. The game was rained out. Mustache Monday is now Mustache Tuesday; the doubleheader starts at 5 p.m.)

(SECOND UPDATE: We're told the 20 percent off promotion was for Monday only. Our fault: Sorry.)

• 1. No touching other participants.
• 2. NO FAKING ORGASMS! Do not waste our time. If you have an orgasm we are happy for you, but this is not our goal.
• 3. No Drugs or Alcohol, and No Smoking.
• 4. DO NOT Exchange Sex Toys.

By the way, for those too shy to discuss this event in public, we would recommend a trip to the Euphemism Generator. Our favorite so far: "Bludgeoning the witness."

Registration, Official Rules [Masturbate-A-Thon 2006]
Only A Matter Of Time Before This Becomes An Olympic Sport, You Know [Deadspin]
More Tossers On TV [Guardian Unlimited]
Euphemism Generator [Walking Dead.net]

* = Sorry, no "Every day is a Masturbate-a-thon for me" jokes are being accepted at this time.

What do you do when your real name is Mike Cooper — but you're not that Mike Cooper — and you've found your MySpace page inexplicably inundated over the last month or so?

Why, you take a vacation to Berea, of course! That's what Michael Cooper, a 24-year-old sportswriter in Springfield, Ohio, did to rid himself of the curse that bears his name. He decided to visit the scene of the "crime," completely with Deadspin printouts and an attempt to verify that Cooper was indeed "near the children's section." Apparently, he was.

According to him, he "watched the YouTube Clip of Cooper choking his chicken at a computer terminal (hopefully, not the one I was on)."

More quote: "I asked to take photos, and they said no. You could tell they were really shook up about Mike Cooper. The funniest part of the day for me was when I realized the POLICE station was RIGHT NEXT to the Library. It's bad enough to masturbate at any library — but you have to be really dumb to do it next to the city jail."

Another photo after the jump. We hope someone's reading this on Cooper's old computer right now.

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]
Finally, YouTube Of Monday-Cooper, Part II [Deadspin]

And yes, it is this easy to get on Deadspin.

It appears the Dunedin Blue Jays, the Class A affiliate for the Toronto Blue Jays, are hosting two Deadspin-related promotions. First, on August 7, it's Carl "Mustache" Monday, in which all fans named Carl — or "any form of "Carl" (including "Karl, Carla, Carlo, Carlos, etc)" — or have any part of their name as a day of the week will get in for $3. Also, fans with a mustache will get in for three bucks as well.

But that's not all, friends: Three days later, August 10, against St. Lucie, it's the "You're With Me Leather Giveaway," in which each player's name will be announced with a Berman-esque nickname over the public address system. We're not sure that gimmick is adding to the public good, but we are nevertheless amused.

For the record, we don't have anything to do with this promotion, though we did agree to provide some T-shirts to give away on YWML night. (We're not getting any cut of the gate receipts or anything like that.)

We're just happy that someone's finally giving Carl Monday the evening of honor he deserves. Hell, we're of half a mind to grow a mustache ourselves for the event.

Dunedin Blue Jays Promotions [DunedinBlueJays.com]

We know, it's a week-and-a-half old now, but we never did get a hold of YouTube of the gripping finale of the Carl Monday-Mike Cooper saga, and it has been nagging us, since we this whole thing started from YouTube anyway.

Well, someone finally posted it, and though the sound quality leaves a bit to be desired — anybody else out there able to put 'er up? — you'll get the gist. We feel we should probably let you all know that we have put interview requests into both Carl Monday and Mike Cooper repeatedly over the last month, and have been turned down in both regards. We don't suppose we can blame either one.

One Final Monday-Cooper Explosion ... Be Ready [Deadspin]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: We've put a new video with better audio.)

Contestants will vie for the world record, which is more than eight hours of, well, you know. From the Guardian Unlimited:

To qualify for the record, the organisers say "at least 55 minutes of every hour shall be spent self-pleasuring by manual or sex toy stimulation" with participants getting just five minutes to "replenish and renew".

It's all part of "Penis Week," as if you didn't know.

And if Monday isn't on a plane to England at this very moment, then he's not the reporter we thought he was. As for Mike Cooper, well, this is tailor-made: Instead of ducking TV cameras in shame, he could be our Takeru Kobayashi, only, you know, with a mustache.

More Tossers On TV [Guardian Unlimited]
One Final Monday-Cooper Explosion: Be Ready [Deadspin]

So remember how Hall of Fame commenter Jimbo went by the courthouse for masturbating lonely mustached man Mike Cooper's sentencing? He did good work, but the real finale of this sordid tale was yet to come. Because, as MJD told you Saturday, Carl Monday was indeed there, and he caused one last ruckus. And oh boy, it was a ruckus.

If you haven't seen it yet, the video is right here, and it honestly rivals the first video in pure lunacy. We really can't describe it: You just have to see it. It's not on YouTube yet — can anybody make that happen? — but heavens, you can't really prepare yourself.

Library Porn Viewer Sentenced [WKYC]

(By the way, there's a movement afoot among Deadspin commenters — codenamed "Operation Monday Night Moustache" — to somehow make Carl Monday pay for what is now just cruel warfare. We can't officially endorse such an endeavor ... but we do encourage everyone to look into it.)

First, it's not just a $150 fine. Cooper isn't allowed to go into public libraries, and he's not allowed to be anywhere where children congregate. He was also sentenced to 30 days in prison, but he'll avoid that if he stays on good behavior for a while.

But, of course, none of that is enough for Carl Monday. Exposing him as a public masturbator isn't enough. Public humiliation isn't enough. Seeing him leave the courtroom as a broken and ashamed man isn't enough. Carl Monday has a big knife, and he can't resist giving it just a few more twists.

I kinda want to fight Carl Monday. I get the feeling that he's not as bothered by the attention that this case has gotten as much as he'd have you believe. My favorite part of this is when he says, "Because of the sensitivity of this story, we asked Cooper's attorney to ask her client to make a brief statement after sentencing." And then he proceeds to treat no one with any sensitivity whatsoever, and just follow Cooper's family out to the parking lot anyway.

Anyway, the video is here, many thanks to Big Daddy Drew and Roy Hobbs.

Video on Demand [WKYC]

What's next for Mike Cooper? Hopefully, he can parlay this whole thing into some lucrative endorsements. Perhaps for some hand cream, perhaps for an internet porn site. Maybe he could sign some sort of Roethlisberger-esque deal with Gillette, where he'll shave his famous mustache live on TV. Or perhaps Mike Cooper will just spend the rest of his days, plotting to get even with Carl Monday. It would take a hell of an effort.

Again, Jimbo deserves huge thanks for keeping on top of this for the Deadspin community.

The Mike Cooper Sentencing ... You Are There! [Deadspin]

Well, the Mike Cooper sentencing is over, and our man Jimbo was, indeed, there. We're still not sure precisely what Cooper's sentence was — Jimbo didn't make it that far into the proceedings — but he was there, and he even captured Cooper and his parents on his camera phone ... kind of.

After the jump, Jimbo's full report and his camera phone photo. We obviously cannot thank him enough. He's kind of a real American hero.

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So after taking the advice of several Deadspinners mysteriously familiar with court proceedings, I decided to show up at 1:20, hoping that the proceedings would be delayed, giving me ample photo-ops with the Masturbating Man with a Mustache himself. I arrived and quickly noticed there is a front and rear entrance to the court. I really wanted to get a quick shot of him or Carl Monday arriving, but after several laps without any sightings. I realized they were probably already there. The only people I saw were a group of people huddle around a narrow walkway to the court ... none of them appeared to have an Ohio State shirt on, nor were they in possession of a mustache.

After much deliberation, and not wanting to let my fellow commenters down, I decided I would march into the courthouse and see what I could find. Unfortunately, going in would mean that I would have to rely on my camera phone. I quickly concocted a story in case anyone asked: I was here to pay a traffic ticket. So I begin walking up the aforementioned narrow walkway with the people, and I'm getting nervous because I feel like I'm doing something illegal. I know, everyone has told me that it's a public proceeding so they have to let me in, but it's one thing to say that, and another when you're walking into a building full of cops, under false pretenses ... but I digress.

So I begin walking up this walkway, which is really more of a ramp. As I get closer to the people that were huddled around, I can hear that they are pissed about something. I overhear a woman, definitely a lawyer, say, "we keep him away from the house and out of the driveway, he's causing added stress on my client ... this isn't needed."

At first I think nothing of it, but then I think to myself, "could they be talking about The Man? Could the guy they are trying to keep away from their client be the one and only Carl Monday? As I got closer, I could tell that most in the group were lawyers, but one person being shielded from sight. I had to weave my way between several people, and when I finally fought my way through ... PAYDIRT! There I was, standing, albeit for a brief moment, face to face with the mustache, Mr. Cooper himself! I was less than a foot from the man, head down, looking dejected.

I couldn't just break out my phone, stand in front of him and take pictures. Keep in mind this ramp is only about 4 feet wide. So I walk in to the courthouse and stand in a hallway where I still have a view of him from through the door. I find a place to wait. I figure they have to come down this hallway, and when he does I'll pretend I'm dialing my phone and snap a picture. I wait for what seems like forever (really about 15 minutes) and ponder what crime I can be charged with if someone realizes what I'm trying to do. The actual courtroom is upstairs, and eventually the Bailiff walks down and yells "Kelley!" Which I would later find out is his lawyer's name. No one responds. He walks outside to the Cooper group, and they acknowledge him. "The Judge has been waiting for you for 10 minutes," the bailiff says.

So here we go ... I can see them starting to migrate single file into the hall ... about to pass me. I break out the phone, hit the camera button, and it loads up. The first person (the Lawyer) walks by; behind her I finally recognize THE COMBAT VET, then someone else. Finally, here he comes ... I raise the phone to get him into view, wait ... wait ... SNAP! I take the attached picture.

And there's a FREAKING DELAY ON THE CAMERA!!! I know it's hard to tell, but the shadowy figure on the left is The Man, followed by his mother (Ed. Note: Whom you should also recognize from the video. She doesn't look much happier.)

That's all I could get. They went upstairs, and I followed, but chickened out when it came to the metal detectors guarded by two of Berea's finest. By that time I had already been out to lunch for over an hour and had to get back. So that's it. No Carl Monday sightings, no good photos either. However, I can at least say that I had a close encounter with an internet legend. This pretty much ranks up there with meeting Jim Brown. Ok, maybe not, but I'm glad Deadspin has provided me with such an opportunity.

You're with me, stalking internet legends

—"Jimbo"

Cooper pled No Contest in June to indecent exposure charges, a week and a half after pleading Not Guilty. Today, he finds out his fate. The son of a combat vet, Cooper has struggled with this filthy addiction before, and observers and friends just hope he and his victims no longer have to suffer.

It all ends today, folks. At 1:30 p.m. The reckoning. Keep an eye outside the courthouse; you know who's out there, mustache and cameraman by his side.

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]
Mike Cooper Case Summary [Berea Municipal Court]

(Note to "Jimbo" in the comments: You're three minutes away from the courthouse? What are you doing at work? Go, son!)

This thing has really, like I said, taken on a life of its own. I mean, they're selling t-shirts on the Internet, "Carl Monday Caught Me Masturbating," and cartoon strips, and it's been on every blog and Web site ... We certainly like our stories to be seen and heard, but we never thought it would get that kind of exposure. It's been on MSNBC, it's been everywhere.

Monday, who appears to have done some actual good work in his investigative reporting assignments not involved haranging masturbating dorks, defended his work but admitted perhaps some aspects of the segment could have been more clear. And, so you know: His real name is not Carl Monday. As if any of you thought otherwise.

Carl Monday On Relentless Reporting [CJR Daily]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

Monday also blasts those who tried to sell a T-shirt with the above image; we tried to buy one, but the jerks at Zazzle said it was (get this!) a copyright infringement and wouldn't let us, making us very sad. But Carl would like us to move along, nothing to see here. We're not sure we're ready to do that yet — the library menace has yet to be appropriately pounded down, if you ask us — but neverthless, if he insists ... get away from us, Carl Monday!

Library Report; Time To Turn Page [Carl Monday's Blog]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

(By the way, a reader sends us Carl doing his Larry King impersonation.)

(Oh, and here's the Clevescene article he's referring to.)

• $300,000. Bail amount for man charged with 250 rounds of ammunition to Guyana in a barrel.
• $750,000. Bail amount for man who admitted stabbing and killing another man.
• $50,000. Bail amount for woman accused of shooting her sister.
• $150,000: Bail amount for man accused of entering a 66-year-old woman's house and brutally beating her.
• $50,000: Bail amount for man charged with a hit-and-run incident that killed a man.
• $400,000: Bail amount for Duke lacrosse rape suspects.
• $500,000: Bail amount for Mike Cooper.

This isn't funny anymore; this is insane.

(OK, it's still kind of funny.)

Carl Monday Will Have You Locked In Jail With The Key Thrown Away [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: Here's the docket information for the case. And guess what? Today is Mike Cooper's 26th birthday.)

(SECOND UPDATE: In a moment of sanity, the bond was reduced to $500, and Cooper has been released. Welcome back, Coop!)

The judge had little sympathy for Cooper's plight.

Berea Municipal Judge Marisa Meyer said the $500,000 bond is not excessive, saying "I'm not comfortable releasing him until a psychiatric evaluation is complete." Cooper's attorney, Elizabeth Kelley, says her client has already been seeking counseling and "desperately wants to stop this type of behavior in the future."

The interview with Judge Meyer about her ruling continued.

"So, what kind of stuff goes on back in chambers?
"Oh, filing legal papers, writing up memos, so on."
"Filing legal papers, writing memos, the self-use of Fred Smoot sex toys, that type of thing?"
"No ... why?"

$500,000 Bond For Library Porn Viewer [WKYC]