Not only did he ghostwrite the MLB.com recap of his own article, but he got the win, hit a homer, and perhaps used some ancient warlock magic to cause Albert Pujols to bobble a ground ball. Ah, the Phoenician stumblus-wumblus incantation. My one weakness. How did you ... kn ... ow ... urrrgh...

In other baseball notes, Pedroia Smurf will not be playing in the All-Star game, as he will be visiting his wife, who's experiencing labor complications, and not the kind that cancelled the 1994 World Series. Carlos "False Tilde" Peña will be taking his place, putting exactly 81 first basemen in the All-Star game. I can't wait to live blog it. OR WILL I?

* * * * *

It's probably time I put down the pen. I've made a terrible mess that only the daytime crew can clean up. Much appreciated for you to have me today. Last one to leave, please feed the llama.

Zambrano disputed umpire Mark Carlson's call on a play at the plate in the seventh inning today, and got a little too close for comfort. He bumped Carlson ever-so-slightly and was ejected. Then he really got angry. He nearly threw the ball into the outfield bleachers from home plate, chucked his glove, then picked up a bat, and went to work on an innocent drink holder. That's G.

Cubs won though, because the Pirates are still the Pirates.

PIT@CHC: Zambrano argues the call and gets tossed - Video [MLB]
Zambrano ejected after play at plate [MLB]

Drayton McLane's boys in alternate home red (as they were the putative home team) fairly well laid down, providing Zambrano with 13 ground balls and 10 strikeouts in a contest Houston management had no taste for as long as it was in Milwaukee. However, the Astros bowed to external pressure (aka Lord Selig) and accepted the Milwaukee location, much to the chagrin of Astros fans and every email we received on the topic today from Cubs and Astros fans alike.

Alfonso Soriano's leadoff homer provided all the offense Zambrano would require. The Cubs pounded on Randy Wolf in the third like Randall Simon-on-oversized-sausage in the third for good measure, though.

For Houston, a six-game winning streak collapses in exile and a day game awaits in just a few hours. For the Cubs, their magic number shrinks to seven with the dual Brewers losses in Philadelphia Sunday.

And for Zambrano, concerns about overworking a rather hefty man just coming off desperately needed rest may still arise, but he never seemed to labor for any of his 110 pitches and only walked one.

Zambrano will be examined today. He threw 86 pitches and gave up three runs on five hits and three walks, striking out three. In his previous start against the Pirates, he gave up six runs in 4⅓ innings. Geoff Blum hit a two-run homer in the 11th off of Kerry Wood to win it. Jim Edmonds hit homer No. 17 in the seventh for Chicago.

Any way you look at it the Cubs are in trouble, and this didn't help. Yeah, we want some of that awesome Blackhawks mojo to get us over the top.

Here's the situation: Chicago is 4 1/2 up on the second-place Brewers in the Central with 23 to play. But any team that's 0-for-the-past-two-centuries has to be thinking about the health of its pitching staff for the playoffs. Zambrano has a dead arm, Rich Harden's next start has been pushed back to Sept. 11 in St. Louis (that's a long freakin' rest), Ryan Dempster, who is starting for the first time since 2003, is on pace for 200 innings. And where is Fukudome again?

There is only one reasonable solution to all of this, of course: Rooftop wedding! You stay focused, Cubs fans.

Pregame Thread [Bleed Cubbie Blue]
Zambrano Departs Early As Astros Nip Cubs In Extras [USA Today]

Heck, now that he has a book, he even has in own day. In Pilsen, a neighborhood of Chicago. Which is not near Mattoon. Anyway, a bit about the book:

he English version of the book is titled "The Big Z: The Carlos Zambrano Story," and the Spanish version is, "Como Llego a Ser Grande ... Carlos Zambrano." The book details Zambrano's life, from playing baseball in the streets in Venezuela to signing a $91.5 million contract with the Cubs this season.

We would say that signing a $91.5 million contract is perhaps not inherently worthy of your own authorized biography ... but we'd be afraid Carlos would throw at our head.

Carlos Zambrano Day [Bugs And Cranks]
Carlos Zambrano's Internet Addiction [Deadspin]

"I will remember that,'' Zambrano said of the fans booing him. "I don't want to stink and (have) bad outings. I know the great moment of my career will come.'' Is it vengeance Zambrano seeks? And if so, against whom? Will each Cubs fan find a horse head in his bed this morning? "I don't understand why the fans were booing at me. I can't understand that,'' Zambrano said. "They showed me today they just care about them. That's no fair. Because when you are struggling, that's when you want to feel, the support of the fans.''

Zambrano gave up seven hits and four walks over 4 1/3 innings. He has a 9.56 ERA in three starts since the Cubs gave him a $91.5 million, five-year contract extension, and that tends to make some people cranky. The Cardinals and Brewers also lost on Monday, leaving Chicago 1 1/2 games ahead of Milwaukee and two up on St. Louis. But will this bad attitude doom the Cubs? It's clear that only one man can save them now.

• Pretty, Pretty, Pretty, Pretty, Pre-Tay Good. Pedro Martinez, starting a major league game for the first time in almost a year, led the Mets over the Reds 10-4, and got his 3,000th strikeout in the process. Martinez threw 76 pitches while limiting the Reds to three runs and five hits in five innings. New York is now five games up on the Phillies in the East.

• You Win This Round San Diego ... But We Shall Meet Again. Greg Maddux finally won at Chase Field and Brian Giles hit two home runs to lead the Padres over the Diamondbacks 10-2; San Diego moving a game up on Arizona in the race for first in the NL West. Maddux also extended his streak without a walk to 49 1/3 innings over seven starts.

• An Ichiro He Just Can't Scratch. Ichiro Suzuki rocked Clemens so hard that Roger underwent an MRI following the game, as Seattle beat the Yankees 7-1. Ichiro had three hits, including a homer in the third, reaching 200 hits for the seventh consecutive season, tying the AL mark. Felix Hernandez went seven innings to get the win. Now, let's go over to the big board and check on the standings. Boston won, 13-1 over Toronto, placing the Sox seven games ahead of the Yankees in the East. Wild card-wise, New York is one game ahead of the Mariners, with Detroit 2 1/2 back.

• Lynx Officially Extinct The Ottawa Lynx played their final game on Monday, fittingly a loss, 8-5 to the Syracuse Chiefs. In April of 2008, the Philadelphia Phillies Class-AAA affiliate becomes the Lehigh Valley IronPigs, and will be located in Allentown, Pa. And so, Canada is left with exactly one baseball team above the Class-A level.* Didn't baseball used to be popular up there about a decade or so ago? What happened?

* = The Blue Jays! Scratching your head quizzically like that wasn't funny.

When you're 8 games below .500, the least you could do is try to be lovable. But the Cubs, 7.5 games out in the pathetic NL Central, can't even manage that.

Most of you have seen the dugout footage by now; unfortunately, there was no camera in the clubhouse after the game. Zambrano went after Barrett again, clocked him in the lip, and Barrett wound up in the hospital. But it's not like Barrett can get mad at someone for randomly punching somebody.

Anyway, Zambrano has noticed that the Cubs have been spending money like crazy this offseason and, understandably, he wants a piece of that pie. And he wants it in the third person.

"I'm ready to sign, and I would do my job anyway with the Cubs this year," Zambrano said. "Whatever happens, I don't want to know [anything] about a contract during the season. I want to sign with the Cubs before the season starts. If they don't sign me, sorry, but I must go. That's what Carlos Zambrano thinks."

"When you're a great pitcher and have talent, you deserve the money no matter who gives it to you," he said. "Zito is a great pitcher. Good for him he has that contract, and I think that will help me. [Cubs general manager] Jim [Hendry] spent a lot of money. I hope he has more for 'Big Z.'"

The way contracts went this offseason, it's difficult to deny that Zambrano deserves pretty much whatever he asks for, even if it's more time online. Anybody who can comfortably refer to himself as "Big Z" has earned a big payday.

Zambrano: "I Must Go" If No Deal [Chicago Tribune]

(UPDATE: Video of the interview can be found here.)

• 1. Let's Hear It For The Z-Man. Carlos Zambrano always makes us smile. Although the Cubs are going nowhere, Zambrano plays with the enthusiasm of a Little Leaguer — albeit a Little Leaguer with an attitude and kind of in need of ADD. Just look at the guy. Zambrano (11-3) hit his fourth homer of the season and won his eighth straight decision, as the Cubs beat the Mets 8-6 on Tuesday. Hey, and Dusty Baker even made a good move, bringing in Bob Howry to retire Paul Lo Duca on a popup for his third save.

• 2. Twins Playing Pretty Well, You Betcha. If for no other reason, you gotta love the Twins for making the AL Central somewhat interesting. Johan Santana outpitched Jose Contreras, and Jason Bartlett hit a three-run homer as Minnesota beat Chicago 4-3, the Twins creeping to within one game of the second-place Stockings. Minnesota has won 33 of its past 41, Chicago has lost 11 of 14. Of course, Detroit is 7 1/2 games in front of Chicago.

• 3. Boston Hot To Trot. It's going to be hard to bet against the Red Sox in the AL East with a one-two punch like Josh Beckett and Curt Schilling. Both are 13-game winners after Schilling won on Tuesday, the Crimson Foot Coverings beating the Athletics 13-5. Oh, and Trot Nixon ended a 123 at-bat homerless streak.

• 4. Know When To Fold 'Em. Ha. Witness this Associated Press lead from Tuesday: CLEVELAND — Although he was probably charge-a-cameraman angry, Kenny Rogers stayed calm, cool and collected. On a warm, muggy night there was nothing he could do but take this beating. Harsh. Cleveland scored seven runs off of Rogers (11-4) in the first, then held on for dear life to beat Detroit 12-7. It was Rogers' stinkiest outing since 1992.

• 5. Roger That. What kind of a world do we live in where Aaron Harang outpitches Roger Clemens? Actually, that's not so farfetched, now that we think about it. The Reds beat the Astros 2-0 despite another great effort by Clemens, who must now be thinking of going to the Royals so that he can get some offensive support.