How did they get those coveted seats anyway? Well, it seems that a certain showboating wide receiver purchased them on their behalf. When Chad Ochocinco announced his intention to jump into the Green Bay crowd—a feat others have tried and failed at—three Cincy fans offered to be his welcoming committee. So Chad hooked them up with tickets and, fortunately for him, he picked the right end zone. So yeah, they weren't there by accident. It's like I don't even know what to believe anymore.

By the way, you probably knew this already but the Bengal Backers confirmed that all the Packer fans sitting around them were perfectly lovely and polite toward the interlopers ... except for this dude.

Now that I believe.

Threesome made Bengal's Lambeau leap possible [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel]

Players and coaches are still allowed to use social media networks, but will not be allowed to post updates from 90 minutes before kickoff until after the traditional postgame press conferences. (Please let the media print your banalities first.) So, no "@ the coin toss. should i take tails?" or "@carsonp: I WAS OPEN!" and mercifully, no one pulling a BlackBerry out of their sock in the endzone. Of course, if the penalty is just a fine that may not stop some.

One other tidbit from the article that I was not aware of—referees are forbidden from using social media at all times. I guess it's because no one would want to have to explain to Jeff Triplette that those 5,000 Facebook "friends" only became fans so they could tell him he sucks.

Tweet delete: NFL bans social media in games [ESPN]

If this had been filmed back in say ... 2006, then you might have had something special. Right now, the most interesting subplot is a wide receiver with an idiotic name who is addicted to Twitter. Riveting stuff.

Plus, because the Bengals are on TV, they are going to be on their best behavior. This a teachable moment, and what management wants to teach the world is that Cincinnati is not Crazy Town.

"For the fans around the country who know us only by reports," the Cincinnati Bengals' owner said Tuesday, "it's a chance to set the record straight."

There are quite a few fans who would like the record to reflect that Mike Brown is a terrible owner, but that's another show. Oh, there might be some "Perfect Strangers" level hijinks if Chad "Johnson" decides to make good on his threat to move in with Carson Palmer, but that's harmless stuff. The NFL is not going to let HBO embarrass anyone, so unless Shayne Graham decides to murder a hobo the fireworks will likely be kept to a minimum.

Plus, it's all fake anyway.

Brown hopes 'Hard Knocks' changes minds [Lexington Herald Leader]
A.J. Smith calls 'Hard Knocks' fake [USA Today]
Cincinnati Bengals Training Camp on Hard Knocks [Esquire]
‘Hard Knocks' puts Bengals under a microscope [Cincy Inquirer]

You see, it seems when Johnson legally changed his name last August, he wrote it out on the name-change form as "Ochocinco", instead of "Ocho Cinco". So instead of a cool, two-word nickname, the NFL says he's stuck with the one-word handle, which is doomed to be repeatedly mispronounced by Dick Stockton as "Awk-hotchin-ko".

The NFL explained its decision in typical humanoid fashion:

"It's his legal name," AFC information manager Corry Rush said Thursday.

Rush then immediately went back to re-checking the spelling of "Roethlisberger" for the 9,000th time in his tedious, soul-destroying career.

You may recall that part of the reason Ochocinco wasn't allowed to use his new name last year was because Reebok would have been stuck with all the "Johnson" Bengals jerseys they had already produced. I'm not sure whether he has time to change his name again before Reebok makes this year's batch. If not, be prepared to read pretty much this exact same story next year, when the league forces the Bengals' wideout to wear an "Ogho Gingo" jersey, because "his 'c's really look like 'g's."

Bengals receiver has yet another name [Yahoo Sports]

Why do I get the feeling that this isn't the only room in Chad Johnson's home that is full of giant portraits of himself? In a move usually reserved for Latin American dictators or advanced Alzheimer's patients (who am I again? Oh yeah!), Ocho Ego has his crib festooned with his own image, as we see in this screen capture from a recent interview on the NFL Network. He may not know art, but he knows what he likes.

From The Sports Hernia:

Not pictured but somewhere in this room:

• Framed picture of Chad's jersey

• Framed picture of Chad holding a framed picture of Chad's jersey

• Chad playing cards

• Framed picture of Chad sitting in this room with all this other Chad stuff around him

NFL Network Interviews Chad, Chad, Chad And Chad [The Sports Hernia]

After a 66-yard scoring run in the fourth quarter against the Chiefs, Johnson ran over to the Chiefs band's rhythm section and began banging on its conga drums (see video below), drawing a 15-yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct. But he says a $10,000 fine for this is too harsh.

"I am not happy about it,'' Johnson said. "I knew I was going to get a fine, but I am totally upset about how much. I am going to appeal. … There's no fun in this league. I was trying to have fun and they want to penalize us for having fun. I'll just have to watch what I can do. I know you can't use props or anything like that. But I feel if Chad only got fined $7,500 for using a camera, I shouldn't be fined $10,000. That's not right.''

Chad Johnson's touchdown celebration against the Titans last season, in which the Bengals receiver got behind a television camera and pointed it at the field, resulted in a $7,500 fine.

Um, notice how I didn't refer to him as Chad Ocho Cinco, by the way? The big Ocho Cinco experiment is dead, at least for now. Well, it was inevitable in this troubling financial climate: Johnson did the math recently, and figured that it would have cost him a bundle to reimburse Reebok for changing over all of their Johnson jerseys to Ocho Cinco. So he'll wait until next season to do it — if the mood still suits him — when he can have it done for free.

Titan Will Appeal Fine For Drum Celebration [The Tennessean]
Ocho Cinco Will Stick With Old Jersey For Season [NBCSports]

Clearly there is only one way to settle all of this jibber-jabber: a Pentathlon between Owens, Ochocinco, Phelps, Bolt, and Wineberg.

The 400-meter sprint and a swimming discipline of Phelps' choice will be the corner stone events with the remaining three up for debate. I'd suggest the future Olympic sport of pole dancing or perhaps the up-and-coming doobie-rolling competition.

It's unclear what event would give an edge to the NFL stars. Perhaps the linguistic event of Jawing or the Zoolander approved Diva-off.

What do you suggest?

>>Olympic Gold Medalist Challenges Chad Johnson to a Race [FanHouse]

Bulluck doesn't like Ocho Cinco. He prefers "Oucho Cinco," a reference to the receiver's shoulder problems.

"He's going to be on camera all day," Bulluck said, half-joking. "His shoulder … I don't expect him to run too many shallow crosses. I'm putting it out there for him to bite it, and I know he will."

I can't wait until Ocho Cinco takes the bait and responds. I suggest he add his own vowel, "Who is Keth Bullucko?" Killer.

Bulluck wishes Bengal well...for now [Tennessean]

On another note, checking out the other name change requests in the file has me laughing out loud. Parents can be so mean.

Chad Ochocinco's Name Change Documents Claim 'No Ulterior Purpose' [FanHouse]

At this point approaching Chad Johnson with a microphone is slightly less dangerous than taunting tigers at the San Francisco Zoo.

Yesterday, Johnson declared that he would not report to Bengals' camp this year and demanded a trade. He's hinted about this before, but now has put the organization in the unenviable position of trying to move him for the sake of team chemistry and eating $8 million against their salary cap.

So, what does this do for the future of Chad Johnson? There are plenty of teams that would most likely pick him up, but his hefty salary and polarizing nature would also seem burdensome for plenty of teams. Granted, the Patriots seemingly did well by adding Randy Moss (and the Cowboys with Terrell Owens), but unless the Bengals are bowled over by a trade offer, they seem content to let this guy twist. Good for them. They should.

Carson Off Mark, Chad Says [Cincinnati Enquirer]
My Divorce From Chad Johnson [Yep Yep]
Goodbye Chad [Lookatmeshirts]

"That's it," Chad said, which startled Kenny. He then attempted a follow-up question which also went nowhere. Again, Kenny tries to sign-off gracefully and, again, Chad doesn't go away.

The whole interview starts to derail about the 1:10 mark.

Bengals' Johnson: 'I Plan To Show Up' [Fanhouse]

• Ocho Cinco gives you the ol' uno-dos [SportsWrap]
  
• Video of the Colombian soccer riot. [Macrochip]
  
• China foils terrorist plot to attack Beijing games. Hey, it's only March. [SportsbyBrooks]
  
• You can keep that to yourself, Kaz Matsui [Sox & Dawgs]
  
• The Nets don't miss Kidd. Him or his stupid face. [Giggin' On Ya]
  
• The perfect season in baseball, 10 years on. [ArmchairGM]
  
• Underseas oil drilling holds the key to the steroid crisis. I see. [FanIQ]
  
• Malik Sealy's mic does not sound nice. [The Capri Lounge]

Sorry, Chad: Even in Washington, you can't put Ocho Cinco on the back of your jersey.

That being said, the only way that this interview between Keyshawn Johnson and Chad Johnson could be more entertaining is if Clinton Portis suddenly appeared in giant glasses and clown shoes. I've never seen the interviewer get frustrated and end the interview ... isn't it usually the other way around?

Video: Keyshawn Johnson Interviews Chad Johnson [Sportaphile]

Now, before you go and complain about "abominations against nature," consider that Restore the Roar was the favorite to beat Johnson in their race yesterday at River Downs in Cincinnati: Johnson won handily.

So handily that Johnson - the cross-training Bo Jackson of our time — wants new challenges:

"Floyd Mayweather, you're next," Johnson said. "I want to fight you. I'd like to take Kobe and LeBron one-on-one. Jeff Gordon, we can take a couple laps."

Perhaps, if not a mating match, the pair can meet on the track in the ultimate "Battle of the Sexes." I guarantee: Put it in primetime on broadcast TV, and it would get better ratings than the NBA Finals.
— D.S.

Rags to Riches wins Belmont [Gothamist]
Chad wins horse race [USA Today]

At 4:53 p.m. ET, a 4-year-old named Restore the Road will race a 29-year-old named Chad Johnson. Because you can't exclaim "Oh, the humanity!" without "Man." And you can't promote "Man vs. Beast" without "Man." Or, uh, "Beast." (What about "Meast vs. Meast?")

Restore the Road will race 1/8 of a mile. Johnson will run 1/16. Thank god: It's for charity. (FeedtheChildren.org)

And, yet: I'll bet you can still make a wager at your local OTB. Currently, Beast is favored over Man at 5-7.

Full post-race coverage tomorrow. Judge for yourself what more post-race coverage of Chad Johnson than Belmont says about things.

(Memory Lane: Back in March 1983, Chris Collinsworth raced a horse — Mr. Hurry — at Turfway Park in Kentucky. Collinsworth got routed.)
— D.S.

Man vs. Beast [The Sporting Orange]

I thought that sort of thing was illegal in Pro Bowls. Defenses aren't allowed to blitz, there are fines for things like running fast, blocking, trying hard, or expressing a desire to compete. I guess Sean Taylor didn't get the memo... he went after Brian Moorman like Moorman stole his ATV.

In other Pro Bowl happenings, Drew Brees dislocated his non-throwing elbow, continuing his habit of getting injured in meaningless games. Chad Johnson did score, but despite his promises, we did not see Chad's johnson. First, he failed to deliver on the reindeer, and now this... he's losing all credibility.

Pro Bowl GameCenter [NFL.com]