Charles Barkley. Final tally: 88 percent.

Eighty-eight percent is actually the highest percentage anyone has ever notched in Hall of Fame voting. Who would possibly doubt that he'll be the governor of Earth someday?

(Plaque by the dripping Jim Cooke.)

They will come at you twice a day, starting a day, through Friday. A few reminders:

First: Here are the current members of the Deadspin Hall Of Fame, with their year of election:

2006
Carl Monday
Kyle Orton
Clinton Portis
Run You Stupid Fucking Dinosaur, Run
Renee Thomas And Angela Keathley
Viking Sex Boat
You're With Me, Leather

2007
Ned

2008
Buzz Bissinger
Will Leitch
Isiah Thomas
Marques Slocum's Fuck Lion

Now: The parameters.

1. This is not Sportshuman of the Year. This is simply people/concepts/teams/zygotes/whatever who could be up for nomination. It does not matter if their notoriety/brilliance has come in the last calendar year. Barbaro has now been nominated for the Deadspin Hall of Fame three times, falling short each time. (The plaque is fake.)

2. The threshold for induction is 75 percent. Considering how difficult it is to get collective Internet people to agree on anything, this sorts the proverbial wheat from the proverbial chaff. Whatever chaff is.

3. Voting ends Sunday at 10 p.m. Induction is next week.

So. Now all that's out of the way, our first 2009 nominee is Charles Barkley.

As Daulerio put it, Barkley is the most bulletproof man in sports. He can call his producer a "pussy," he can say he wants to punch Rush Limbaugh, he can be fired by all TNT's sponsors, he can joke about Isiah Thomas committing suicide and he can, of course, get busted for a DUI when all he wanted to do is drive around the corner and get a blow job.

And all this does is make us love him more. And probably vote him governor of Alabama someday.

But is it it enough to get him in the Hall of Fame? Seventy five percent is the threshold for induction. Vote below: Polls will be open through the weekend.

-Cardinals revoke newspaper's credential after they publish the home address of a number of players, including a furious Albert Pujols. Perhaps unsurprisingly, none of them actually live in St. Louis.

-The Yankees thought they signed 16-year-old Damian Arredondo. Turns out he's not 16. Also, he's not Damian Arredondo.

-Of the 75 players in the Lake Tahoe Celebrity Golf Championship, Charles Barkley is the 75th favorite, at 499-to-1 odds. Chuck immediately put down 50 Gs on himself.

-Brian Ching tweets about ref's blown call, gets fined $500 by MLS. They're not messing around; that's like 10% of his annual salary.

-Graham Harrell takes his gunslingin' to the Saskatchewan Roughriders, not to be confused with the Ottawa Rough Riders. Also not to be confused with professional football.

-Delusional (or self-promotional) poker player buys Barack Obama a $10,000 seat at the WSOP. Will the President take him up on his offer? No. No, he won't.

-U.S. Ski Team member Cody Marshall critically injured after falling off an escalator, though doctors are optimistic. I thought this terror ended when they knocked down Shea Stadium.

Besides golf, Moore asked Chuck about if he's straight-and-narrowed since the DUI arrest and the enormous gambling debts. Not surprisingly, Barkley was candid, gregarious and charming about both of those incidents and decided that he enjoys his life too much to make any drastic changes at this time.

On if he misses gambling:

"Actually the only time I miss it is during the football season, not calling my bookie every Saturday and Sunday. But as far as the casino goes, I haven't missed it. And I'm going to start gambling again whenever I get ready, to be honest with you. I like to gamble. When I'm ready to go back to gambling, I will."

On if his nightlife habits have changed since the DUI:

"Not at all, man. I like to drink, I've just got to be careful when it comes to drinking and driving. It was a great thing (to get caught) because. I've been in the NBA since 1984. So let's just say (you're) going out to dinner or going out with your friends probably 100 times, 200 times a year; I've had something to drink and driven. So to never hurt myself or anybody and never get a DUI, I was lucky and fortunate. This thing just (told) me, you know what, that's stupid of you to drink and drive. And you can't do that again."

Nothing about the bj, though. But Moore says he should have asked Barkley, "What did you say to your wife and daughter?" after he was arrested. Yeah, good luck with that.

Sir Charles has issues, starting with his golf swing [Seattle PI]

SI's Richard Deitsch plopped the quote into his Media Power Rankings column and, not surprisingly, Chuck got another wrist-tap for his comments:

"While Charles often makes jokes about his producer during our telecasts, he used poor judgment on Saturday during our NBA coverage. His comment was inappropriate and TNT apologizes to our viewers. We have spoken with Charles privately about it and will not have any further comment."

Strangely, he's only ranked number 8. Given how impressive Charles' ability to remain in the good graces of the public, his peers, and his employers throughout many of his (sometimes embarrassing) indiscretions, he should always be perched in the number one slot.

Media Power Rankings [SI]

Elway's Bitch:

A couple of years ago, I spent three unremarkable evenings with a professional baseball player who (at the time) wore a helmet emblazoned with the Virginia state bird. At the end of our third and final date, he showed me the cell phone portrait of a certain professional athlete's bowel movement.

We were set up by a mutual friend. I sat there cooing like a retarded dove during the first two dates because he talked about himself a lot, we had no connection, and I was not drunk enough to be even mildly amusing. There were a couple of those "Oh, that was kind of funny…sort of…" moments, but we pretty much just stared boringly at each other for three courses for three dates at three different steak houses and made boring remarks on the boring food.

And then, the final date …

Apparently, there was/is some sort of competition centered on "who can take the largest dump" among a circle of professional athletes. Most of the participants were NFL players and PGA golfers. I do not believe Najeh Davenport was involved. This contest actually had RULES that had been DISCUSSED and VOTED on by members. The main statute was that the "entity" had to cross the water line, or some (I want to use the word that fits here, but I can't) nonsense like that. When one member of the circle produced a worthy effort, a cell phone picture of the item would then be captured and distributed to all participants in the club. The substance was then ranked on a tornado scale from F1 to F5 by all members. F5 represented the most intense deliveries, apparently a reference to the barn scene in "Twister" when Helen "Pinched Face" Hunt and her weather boy were staked down in a barn and their bodies endured incredibly violent winds.

So I discovered this secret society at the end of our third date. As my date strode out of the bathroom, he was starting at his cell phone in rapture. He handed me his cell phone as he sat down, providing no context as to what I was about to observe. So when I first glanced at the picture, I had to really peer at it to comprehend what I was looking at … and when realization set in, I started shaking my head violently, literally throwing the phone at him across the table. I thought he was presenting me a snapshot of the intestinal sculpture he had just carved out … at a white tablecloth steakhouse where they offer you black napkins if you're wearing black (which is a thoughtful gesture). And I'm sitting there stunned, wondering how the hell he went from "kind of boring" to THIS in one bathroom trip. I thought he was the most fucked-up human being I had ever encountered.

And then he stated, completely straight-faced, "Favre just dropped an F-5."

Now, I have no way to authenticate this statement. But, yeah, I believe it.

— Elway's Bitch is heading to Denver with a missile. And she's going to Josh McDaniel's house.

—-—-—-

Missy Underwood:

Gorgeous, self-confident, charismatic men — I can't imagine why women find athletes attractive. Add "rich" and "famous" for professional athletes, and I am really baffled by their romantic prowess. Even those of us who think we are above it all can be susceptible to their charms. Athletes are definitely used to playing by different rules, or no rules at all.

I was involved with a former professional athlete turned analyst for a few years. I was not looking for the relationship. In fact, I held him off for a couple of years. But athletes aren't used to hearing the word "no", so I guess that just made me more of a challenge to him. I found out that being relentlessly pursued by someone who is admired by so many is a huge ego boost. Plus he had the money and the resources to make impressive gestures — an incredible "turn-on". How could I resist?

I never understood why I was worth the risk to him. If we had been caught, he may have said goodbye to his lucrative contract, his marriage, his endorsements, etc. I actually thought a little less of him because he gave me so much power, but that fed my ego too. I was worth the risk, and he trusted me — I must be something! I tried not to think about the possibility that I wasn't the only one he was "trusting."

We didn't end it with a huge fight or anything. It just slowly burned out after a few years. Do you think he worries about me talking now? I don't think so. I think that professional athletes are narcissistic and really believe the rules are not for them. And despite all the evidence to the contrary, they think they are untouchable.

Stephanie Stradley:

I've come to believe that all people are weird, but that some people are more talented at hiding their particular brand of weirdness. I don't think that I know anyone "normal." The more you learn about anyone-your co-workers, friends or a date-the faster you find out their things that are a little or a lot strange.

Famous people, including athletes, have a hard time hiding their freaky deaky because people dish (or send tips to Deadspin). And some famous people may be less inclined to hide their weirdness, because they figure out that people will want to hang out with them no matter what they do. That, and I always assume that a large part of the population is abusing prescription drugs. It is the most logical explanation for a lot of strange behavior.

A story. Back in the day, a buddy of mine invited me to go to the first Comets WNBA game. Free courtside half court tickets. I'd never sat courtside before to anything, so cool whatever.

I remember little about it other than sitting two seats away from Charles Barkley. He had an empty seat next to him, and throughout the first half, a parade of strangers sat in that seat and talked to him. He was extremely cordial to all and after a few minutes with each, security asked those people to move along.

During the game, I got frustrated because nobody was selling any alcohol courtside. So I turn to Barkley and say, "Hey Charles, what does it take to get a beer around here?"

He tells me, "Man, I was thinking the same damn thing. I wanted to go in the locker room and get one, but they got WOMEN in there."

Barkley left at half time but before he went, he invited me to join him for drinks with friends at a nearby bar. I didn't go. Sir Charles behaved in a lovely way to many strangers half court at a WNBA game. And perhaps he would have been the same cordial guy at the bar. My boring story may have led to an interesting evening, but some forms of interesting I'm just not interested in.

— Stephanie Stradley thinks that life without selected weirdness would be boring and writes for FanHouse and a Houston Texans blog for the Houston Chronicle.

—-—-—-

Ellie:

I went to college at a Big Ten school and during that time, I worked at a bar where plenty of football, basketball, hockey and baseball players spent their time. Can't get to class but hey, I can make it to $1 pitcher night. This provided many opportunities for dealing with the jock mentality.

One night, two football players who were both pretty hot, well-liked for making game-winning kicks and game-saving catches showed up wearing vests with no shirts underneath. Really? But because of who they were, girls were vying to tear off the vests.

Another time, a football "prodigy" showed up to the bar with other players and basically just sat back and waited for the girls to come to him. Never mind that he smelled, was underage and hadn't really proven anything on the field. His "rival" also stood back, but mostly because he was uncomfortable with attention. I mean really, he was WAY hotter so he should've had girls all over him and the smarmy attitude. But instead, he was respectful and polite. Fighting for a job apparently makes you nicer…

One of the baseball players that I … um … knew said that he always felt he could say what he wanted around girls. Cause if the girl didn't like what she heard, there was another girl lined up behind her who will listen to what he has to say. Sadly, it's true.

What do these stories say about the jock mentality? Basically that they expect to get what they want. It's not rocket science. Why wouldn't they have this kinda attitude? They've also had coaches and fans telling them they're gods and giving them what they want. It doesn't matter how smelly you are, how ridiculously you're dressed and what actually comes out of your mouth. And if the girls are out there willing to put up with it, this mentality won't ever go away…

— Ellie didn't lose any money in Vegas last weekend. Maybe a little dignity, though.

—-—-—-

Jen Aniano:

I briefly dated a pro athlete. He was a good guy and probably would have made a good long-term boyfriend. He knew a lot of people, and the bar was always a fun place to be because everyone wanted to talk to him. It did not work out, solely because we were in different places, not because he was a scumbag.

If you ask me, it is not just the pro athlete on the top of his game that treats women like yesterdays garbage. All types of guys treat women like dirt. The only difference is high profile pro athletes are in the spotlight much like movie stars.

I blame the women for letting it happen. A woman does not hang out by the locker room because she wants her ball signed; she is really waiting there hoping the gods bless her with a quickie in the shower. Women are just as much at fault for being taken advantage of as the guys who take advantage of them. Not to mention, if I had the power to take advantage of men, still make tons of money and be considered a god I would most likely do the same. Actually I know many women who would.

I cannot fault those athletes for doing what women allow them to do. It is human nature. Who can be blamed for that?

— Jen Aniano is waiting for A-Rod to sign her ball (wink,wink)

The exchange with host Howard Eskin went like this.

CB: "Since I've been in the joint, what have you been saying about Rush Limbaugh? You all got to get that fat ass off the brother, you hear me?"

HE: "I haven't been saying anything about Rush. I've stayed away from that."

CB: "You need to speak up about that. Someone's got to tell (Limbaugh), sit your fat ass down somewhere and stop embarrassing the country and embarrassing yourself."

HE: "I don't really ... why even respond to him? The White House should just ignore him."

CB: "I am so close to flying to wherever he is and just punching the hell out of him. He is driving me nuts! There's a lot of idiots out there and Rush Limbaugh has a lot of influence on people."

HE: "Yeah, I guess you're right. But I want to keep this fun."

Eskin's idea of fun, by the way, was asking Barkley earlier in the interview if anyone in prison had tried to make him their boyfriend.

CB: "You're a funny brother."

HE: "With that ass, I might think that someone would try to be your boyfriend."

CB: "You're confusing me with Rick Mahorn."

Barkley then went on to say that his three-day stay in Maricopa County's Tent City jail (he slept in a tent over the weekend! It was like camping!) was the best thing that could have happened to him.

"It was really good for me and let me explain why I say that. I was thinking I've been in the NBA since 1984, so we're talking 25 years and I would conservatively estimate that I've been drinking 100 of those nights and I'm being probably on the bottom end of that and I've gotten behind the wheel of a car. So to go 25 years that many nights drinking and driving and not get a DUI, not kill someone or kill yourself, I think that was a very valuable lesson for me to learn and I'm going to use that in the future."

Barkley also said he "did a lot of reading" in prison, even though he was only there a total of 36 hours. "And I did my own reading," he said. "It wasn't like college."

Barkley On His Time In The Joint And Wanting To Beat Up Rush Limbaugh [Sports Radio Interviews]

Apparently, he gets to wear his sweats instead of a uniform (since he's technically on "work release") and he's got a book to read, so that's nice. I would say that this must be a humbling experience for the round mound of downtown, but I don't think it's possible to humble Charles Barkley.

Seriously, being in jail—even for a day— is no joke, but something tells me 'ol Chuck is going to be just fine.

Sir Charles — I Only Blame Myself [TMZ]
Unnecessary Roughness: History of athletes in hot water [NY Daily News]

* * * * *

That's it for me, folks. Today's big winners (so far): Pitt, Florida, Michigan, and the good people of The Netherlands. Big losers: Kentucky, Marquette, the D.R., and Mounties. (U.S.A.! U.S.A.!) This turned out to be a pretty good day of sports game contests and there's more to come if you want it.

_______ will be here tomorrow? Have fun tonight—but don't be like Chuck. (And don't go see "Watchmen." I really can't stress that enough. Terrible, terrible film.)

Barkley begins the sentence on March 21, and will be released after five days is he completes a court-appointed alcohol treatment program. This means that he should miss only one TNT doubleheader: Pistons at Bulls and Rockets at Jazz on Tuesday, March 24. Some favorable scheduling there, to be sure.

Barkley must also pay more than $2,000 in fines and has to install an ignition interlock device on his vehicles. According to the New York Daily News, Barkley will be incarcerated in the Lower Buckeye detention facility in Phoenix, but if not on his best behavior, could be sent to Sheriff Joe Arpaio's infamous Tent City Jail. Do I smell reality show?

Update: Sheriff Joe, never one to pass on publicity, is placing Barkley in Tent City after all.

"I'm taking a lot of heat for putting convicted illegal immigrants in the tents. How am I going to discriminate and not put high-profile people in the tents?" Arpaio asked.

But Barkley will also be on work release, meaning he'll be able to leave the prison each day from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m.

Barkley Will Serve Five Days In Jail For DUI [NBCSports]
Barkley Pleads Guilty To DUI Charges, Faces Jail Time [Arizona Republic]
Barkley Admits To DUI, May Wear Pink In The Clink [New York Daily News]
Barkley To Serve DUI Jail Time In Sheriff's Tent City [Arizona Republic]

From Advertising Age:

In a statement, a T-Mobile spokesman noted that the campaign featuring Mr. Barkley has been successful, but "given the recent developments, for the time being, we've replaced TV ads featuring Mr. Barkley with more general-market advertising." The spokesman added: "As he works through his personal matters, we will evaluate where to go from here."

And Dwyane Wade can now finally get some peace.

The T-Mobile ads were created by the Publicis Groupe.

So now Barkley's going to have to give up drinking and speeding, as well as gambling? Tall order. In my opinion we're just a few months from the debut of the Charles Barkley Grill.

T-Mobile Bounces 'Fave 5' Spots Featuring Charles Barkley [Advertising Age]

Via Awful Announcing via USA Today:

"I have spoken with Charles Barkley regarding the incident. .. and I understand he has hired a lawyer to represent him regarding this matter," said David Levy, president of TNT Sports, in a statement. "When I spoke with Charles, he was apologetic for the events that transpired and it was obvious he understands the significance of the situation. This is an important time for Charles as he deals with the legal and personal issues that confront him. Charles is a valued part of the Turner Sports organization and we are concerned for his well-being."

Interesting move. Also, TMZ has the audio clip of Chuck's failed roadside test. Here's a summary: "Of courseshhhh..."

Hopefully, Charles takes the time away to fix himself. He might be a flawed human being, but the sports world does need him.

Charles Barkley Taking Leave of Absence From TNT [Awful Announcing]