The billboard—which reads "Best wishes to Charlie Weis in the fifth year of his college coaching internship"—sits directly above the Linebacker Inn, a charming little watering hole just spitting distance from Notre Dame Stadium. Since the message was signed, "Linebacker Alumni," most assumed that the bar was the one responsible. According to BlueandGold.com, however, there's only one linebacker responsible—Tom Reynolds, a "seldom-used" backup from the Ara Parseghian days who has no apparent affiliation with the bar. Money well spent ... butt-head!

Weis, for his part, was philosophical about the whole thing.

"I'm the head coach at Notre Dame - I mean, welcome to my world," he told WSBT News at his pre-game press conference Tuesday. "Tell ‘em thanks a lot for wishing me best wishes. I heard about it, I haven't seen it and we'll just leave it at that."

Ahh, the "jerk is a tug, a tug is a boat" defense. Well played.

Controversial billboard blasts Weis [South Bend Tribune]
Ready To Roll [Blue and Gold, fourth item]
BEST WISHES TO TOM REYNOLDS IN THE 65TH YEAR OF HIS HUMAN INTERNSHIP [Her Loyal Sons]
Charlie Weis billboard suggests Notre Dame coach has room for improvement [Chicago Sun Times]

A team of Notre Dame legends trekked over to the next potential-maybe-or-maybe-not hotbed of football to play the country's national team, and — get this — the Golden Domers managed to escape from Tokyo with a 19-3 win, giving Notre Dame a 1-0 record against Japan. I'm sure it's an accomplishment worthy of the media guide, but it won't show up on Charlie Weis' page. No, because this win belongs to Holtz, who slobbered out plenty of what he thought were lauding words for the losing side.

Mr. Holtz, known for his effusive praise of opposing teams, lauded the spirit of the Japan side, saying Japanese football had improved greatly and that the national squad had played at the level of a mid-major Division I-A college football program.

"Getting a compliment in defeat is somewhat meaningless," said Kiyoyuki Mori, Japan's national team coach after the loss. "It's not about moral victories."

Sounds like a Notre Dame kind of guy.

The Fighting Irish Take On Japan [Wall Street Journal]
Vickers leads legends by Japan [South Bend Tribune]
EARLIER: Notre Dame Desperately Wants To Beat Someone At Football

Charlie Weis was in the YES booth last night, prompting The Sports Hernia to observe, "What is this, the Make-A-Wish Foundation for assholes?" Why so nasty, SH? But Weis was in the booth, presumably, because Notre Dame will play Army at the Bronx Bellagio on Nov. 20 2010. Weis realizes he won't be around by that time to enjoy it, so this is the closest he'll get to the royalty treatment.

****

Good morning. It's Tuesday. Start your hot rod.

Sunderland's tale is still the same old story, a fight for love and glory. Not only have the media checked in with intermittent profiles of the boy wonder in the last year, but some French author prophesied Sunderland's circumnavigation back in 1873, we're told. And almost 250 people have sailed the globe's oceans by themselves before! So come on, this isn't impressive or anything. Not at all.

I mean, the year in solitude was like a walk in the park for this so-called "figure of sailing lore." Yeah, he saw pirates and was forced to interrupt his family's Sunday night dinner via satellite phone. And sure, his father told him to "shoot to kill" with his loaded pistol. He went sleepless for 60 hours tinkering with the boat's rigging, he only ate canned food and drank desalinated water, a 30-foot wave cave engulfed his 36-foot boat.

La-dee-da. Kid had nothing to do but play Grand Theft Auto and Guitar Hero, and when he docked for a few days, he could order six scoops of ice cream, no questions asked. Booty.

Now, as time goes by, he returns to a hum-drum, landlocked life of jealousy and hate as a younger sailor figures to usurp Sunderland's title in a few months, and a 15-year-old Australian plans to steal the spotlight from both next summer. What's a young buck to do as an encore? I'm sure there are a few girls looking for a prom date. Maybe he can star in an MTV reality show. Or he can suit up for Charlie Weis. He may be a legend, but after all, he's still got four years of eligibility.

Zac Sunderland completes solo sail around the world [LA Times]
Do Hard Things [ESPN The Mag]

It should be noted that Weis now has a lower career winning percentage then both Tyrone Willingham and Bob Davie.

Reports say Weis staying at Notre Dame [Chicago Tribune]

"He has built zero relationships at the school," one source said. "It has been all about him and his ego."

Oh. Right. That whole thing. They're just realizing this now? Do these ND deep throats also know that Charlie Weis has a weight problem? Either way, it appears more and more that ND's game against USC could very well be a battle for Charlie Weis' job. That means Jimmy Clausen could very well take a knee after every snap.

Sources: Weis' Notre Dame buyout is smaller than believed [Chicago Tribune]

I think women are smart, don't get me wrong. But for the life of me I can't figure out how Lyle Lovett scored him some Julia Roberts. And Enza Sambataro dumps Ben Affleck for Kevin Youkilis? (room spinning, must sit down). OK ladies, explain yourselves. You have six posts in which to do so.

By the way, if you'd like to be part of the Waxing Off writing staff, email myself at Rick@Deadspin.com, or Mr. Daulerio at AJD@Deadspin.com.

President Steezarak:

You’ve surely heard the old song, “If you wanna be happy the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife.” It’s pretty offensive … offensively honest that is. And I think you can swap the genders and the moral stays the same. I also think a hot girl is more likely to marry a schmo than the other way around, though perhaps that’s an issue for my therapist to help me work through.

So with that in mind, my unconventional crush is Charlie Weis. He is also my conventional crush in that he would literally crush me in the sack. Why Coach Weis? I’m glad you asked.

First, he’s fat. Did you notice? Stand next to a fat person, and suddenly you’re feeling pretty good about your weight and appearance. Not only do you look skinnier comparatively, but fat people always give you self-loathing compliments about how skinny you are. And though yes, you have to do the obligatory, “oh, I’m not that skinny,” in your head you’re like “OH HELL YES!!!” Even if you weren’t “actually” skinny, you would be soon because he’d be eating everything in sight.

Second, he is like totally OMFG BFFs with Tom Brady. Seriously if you’re gonna be married to guy looking like Charlie (or Chaz as he prefers to be called), make sure he has hot friends you can have an affair with. In my head, Tom would be so mystified about the tall skinny (!!! it’s working !!!) girl dating/hooking up with/married to his former coach, he’d just HAVE to see what he was missing out on. Since he has super swimmers, I’d obviously get pregnant and blackmail the pants off of him. It will be amazing.

And finally, I hate Notre Dame. A lot of people do actually. I want to do a favor for those people and the rest of the world and be the person to take “one for the team” and make Charlie Weis pay. We’re talking humiliating role play leaked to the newspapers (haha, just kidding, no one reads newspapers); rumors about orgies spreading across the blogosphere; sex tapes posted on Perez. Sure, I’d have to spend a fortune on stand-ins for those because ain’t no way I’m participating, but totally worth every dime (thanks to baby daddy Tom Brady). Once his precious personal life is destroyed, I’ll take his precious elite football program away too. Oh wait someone beat me to it.

— President Steezarak is a Texas Longhorn fan living in Washington D.C. who once mistook Will Muschamp for Jesus.

————-

The Head Chick In Charge:

Tony Kornheiser could get it. That's right. Loud, sloppy, nasty forbidden nursing home sex that will threaten society's acceptance of Cialis and make his children worry about their inheritance. He's a White man that dances, albeit penguin. And he sounds smart (especially to himself) when he's talking. And he likes to play dress up. He's perfect! And he's not as old as I thought. I was shocked to learn that he's only 61 years old. Truthfully, I doubt this. Who knew? Before there was a Kim Zolciak of Real Housewives of Atlanta, there was a Anthony Irwin Kornheiser lying about his age. Anyway, he doesn't look a day over 73 and I'd be happy to tempt him away from his wife. Yes, Tony Reali is the obvious choice from that set, but I generally disapprove of men wearing jeans that cost more than $100. Real men like Kornheiser wear sweater vests and aren't afraid to wear their reading glasses when they need them. Some people complain about Kornheiser. They say he's a bad boy, especially when he's on Monday Night Football. That it's undeniable that he'll eventually annoy me to death. That he'll emphasize the obvious until my head explodes. That we'll never last. Those people don't know the real Tony. I know the real Tony. He's cantankerous, yet delightful. He's the PTI Tony, the Washington Post Tony. The MNF Tony is just a front. And I just adore him.

I dare to dream, but maybe Tony and I will have a future together riding together in a luxury bus across the 48 contiguous and clipping coupons and doing all the things that old people do. Well, I'm not old ... but I will happily play the May to his December, plow him with red wine and spend his money. He is rich now, cha-ching! But I'm no gold digger. I'm down for clipping the aforementioned coupons. Did you know you can get a free Dr. Pepper if you download the coupon from the corresponding site on Sunday? That's the most useful mention of Chinese Democracy and/or GNR that has appeared on this site in weeks. I hope Tony likes dessert ...

— The HCIC owns the domain name for Leave The Man Alone.

————-

Samantha Wood:

This is embarrassing, but I love Jon Runyan.

I have a little crush on Runyan, the 300-pound offensive tackle for my Eagles. So the natural question is, why? Why would a girl like me, a third of his size, and a little more than half his age be attracted to this man?

I have no idea.

My best guess is it’s because he’s nasty at football, and, to me at least, he slightly resembles a teddy bear. Also, he bowls. He bowls for charities! How could you not find that cute?

In general, fans develop unusual crushes (yes, even man-crushes) on athletes because of their talent. Or maybe it’s because of their “interesting” looks. Or maybe it’s something else altogether. Who knows why we love?

Basically my point is that if Jon Runyan’s reading this, I would really like a hug (I know he’s married with three kids). And I apologize in advance, but I can’t resist mentioning that he’s #69. Immature? Yes. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

— Sam is a journalism student in Boston who will never get tired of working “World Fucking Champions” into every possible conversation.

————-

J-Money:

For the past decade, I've had a thing for professional golfer/CBS broadcaster/serial adulterer Nick Faldo because there's something incredibly sexy about six major championships, more green jackets than the night manager at Bennigan's, and a loose moral code.

I'm still not sure why I chose him to be my athletic obsession. He's older than Velcro and golf isn't the most athletic pursuit, straddling the line between 'sport' and 'hobby' just like archery or whittling or arson, but I'd still put my mashie near his niblick, if you know what I mean (AND I THINK YOU DO).

There were certain parallels between us that made him more attractive, like the fact that he's from England and I'm from West Virginia, two places where the accents make it difficult to understand the locals and the dental industry is non-existent. I also played golf for several years, even though my career achievements were limited to the Coalfield Conference Championship (1995), the Everyone Assumes You're A Lesbian Open (1995-1998) and the Feed That Chili Dog to that Seagull and You'll Never Play Here Again Tournament (1997). He also left his second wife for a college player—one only a few semesters older than me—so he actually seemed attainable in that twisted Lifetime movie kind of way.

I was in the crowd at Augusta in '96, the year Greg Norman choked harder than the late Linda Lovelace and handed Nick the last of his six majors. Despite getting close enough to him to count the pleats on his Stain Defenders, I don't think he ever saw me, which is probably for the best since I was fond of coral lipstick and skorts at the time.

Faldo has since swapped the Masters for a mic to become CBS's lead golf analyst. He doesn't play very much anymore and neither do I, but I still think about him every time I do tee one up and, Nick, if you're reading this I hope the next time you kiss a claret jug (and face it, you're going to have to do this with one you already have), that — just once — you'll think of me.

— J-Money is a freelance writer and responsible for The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy. She hasn't worn a skort since 1996.

————-

Ciara:

Greg Oden could get it. Yes, Nat Turner's right-hand-man could get it in a heartbeat. I don't know what it is but there is something so normal about that cat that makes me want to take him home to meet my Pops.

It started way before he went to Ohio State. I remember watching a short piece about him on the four-letter network. Minus the height, he didn't come off with that typical athlete vibe. He had glasses on too, so he came off like a dork. He was so anti-athlete to me that he had me intrigued from the get-go.

He isn't your typical pretty boy like Kobe. He doesn't even have that understated fineness like Chris Paul. Greg Oden looks like a dude that you would see from around the way and that is what makes him so attractive to me. Pretty boys are either cocky or gay (Jimmy Jackson, I'm talking to you).

For one, Greg Oden isn't that bad to look at. Remember, it isn't like he's on Tyrone Hill status or something (like my Pops said, Tyrone Hill looks like he drinks turpentine). Secondly, dude can take a joke about his looks. He knows that he looks like Father Time and he can laugh it off with the best of them. Lastly, he looks like he could pick me up. That's a plus…

While I will admit, if Brian Westbrook knocked on my door and asked to go half on a baby with me, I wouldn't even think about Greg. Greg who? But if Greg knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted to hang out, go to the movies or just chill, I would say yes in a heartbeat.

— Ciara wants Marty Morningwheg's head on a stick in front of City Hall. She's sick of this sh*t!

————-

Meghan:

Does an obsessive stat guy that formulated a superior system for predicting fantasy baseball performances count as a sports figure? If so, my unconventional sports guy crush is on Nate Silver, the Baseball Prospectus guy who came up with PECOTA. I actually came across him via his political blog, fivethirtyeight. But when I found out that he was also a baseball stat genius I was smitten. The man just screams nerdy awkwardness. And there's something about his lanky, slightly undernourished frame that just gives me butterflies.

I'm not joking. I love lanky, awkward, nerdy guys. And add in a love of sports, politics and math and you pretty much have my ideal man. I know most women want a strong, athletic guy with classically good looks who's also handy and can do stuff around the house, but whatever. Think about all the positives of a guy like Nate. He's smart, ambitious, hardworking, and from the Midwest, which pretty much means he's a nice guy. He will always have job, no matter how bad the economy is sports and politics always seem to create jobs. I like stable and reliable, probably because it's the opposite of what I tend to be.

While my experiences with fantasy baseball obsessed boyfriends have not been great, I willing to give it another chance. Really, they can't get much worse. And there's something about really nerdy, awkward guys that makes them better suited to deal with the emotional roller coaster that comes with dating me. Maybe it's that they are not used to having girlfriends and are willing to try harder. Whatever, Nate, if you are looking for a smart, cute, petite, strawberry blonde, who's slightly younger than you, let me know. I could see a move to Washington in your future with your political leanings, and that happens to be where I'm applying for jobs. It could be perfect.

— Meghan thinks Nate Silver should be the President Obama point person to fix the college football system. She loves nerds and also blogs about sports at Girls Don't Know Sports.

1. Charlie Weis and Tom Brady go down in consecutive weeks with knee injuries. Remember that horrible movie Final Destination where death stalked all those kids? I think they even did a sequel. Is anyone else starting to think that's what Spygate is like? Weis getting wrecked on the sideline was just like that kid stepping in front of the bus and getting killed as he tried to cross the street. If I was Bill Belichick, I'd have my head on a swivel next week.

2. Does anyone else have one single friend who's approaching 30 and keeps going out to the same bar you've been going out to for the past 8 years and still runs the same pick-up a girl offense, only now it's not working at all? My friend Kelly is a Michigan grad and spent Saturday watching Michigan attempt to run the spread offense. He's argued with me that it was time for a change of offensive philosophies. Then, he pointed to our friend, standing alone and woefully adrift in front of a live band, and said, "See, the old offense just isn't working anymore." This would have been more effective if Michigan had looked the least bit competent, but, even still, the analogy is almost perfect. At least none of my friends are the only guy at the bar with a gray goatee. It's been my experience that gray goatee is always there. If you haven't noticed this then you might be the guy at the bar with the gray goatee. Condolences.

3. Post-game interview where Jimmy Clausen stares down the camera directly and made your blood run cold. I'm trying to figure out why this is making me so uncomfortable and then it hits me: Jimmy Clausen is Draco Malfoy. If you have no idea who Draco Malfoy is, email me and you can have my balls. You deserve them.

4. Friday night, while you were out drinking and forgot about the game like I told you would happen on Thursday, USF's freshman kicker nailed a 43 yard field goal to beat Kansas. This was the game of the weekend and you forgot about it even though you spent all day Thursday trying to remind yourself not to forget. You suck. See, alcohol does kill brain cells.

5. South Carolina and Georgia. I listened to this game driving back from UAB-Tennessee on Saturday. It was impossible to find for at least an hour. Why are football game so impossible to find on the radio? Anyway, biggest question of the day, why is Spurrier shuttling in Stephen Garcia at all? I don't get this. Smelley is on his way to throwing for 300 yards and you bring in a redshirt freshman who has already been charged with 19 felonies since he arrived on campus. Including keying a professor's car? He proceeds to take two sacks. Mind-boggling.

6. Biggest upset of the week: Maryland over Cal. Cal was a 16 point favorite. Maryland lost to Middle Tennessee state last weekend. Yet, get a 12:00 kickoff rolling, get Cal's players out of bed at roughly 4 in their morning their time, and things can fall apart in a hurry. Why don't Pac-10 teams insist on later kickoffs when they travel all the way across the country? This is the only thing I'd be concerned about the contract. Write it in there and then sign. Or set the return game for 1 in the morning east coast time. But even that isn't really effective because college kids would prefer this anyway. So, basically, if you're from the west coast you have to refuse to play in this game.

7. Speaking of MTSU, you probably haven't seen how Kentucky's game against MTSU ended because it was on something called the Big Blue Network and Tim Couch was taking a break from having sex fourteen times on Saturday to call the game. In fact, when you watch the footage below you'll note that the Big Blue Network managed to miss the actual tipped-ball catch. Setting the scene, less than thirty seconds remain and UK is leading 20-14. They've lined up to attempt a field goal that will ice the game. Enjoy.

Kentucky fans still haven't recovered from this. Almost LSU redux. I still have no idea how the Kentucky db reacted so quickly to make this tackle inside the one. Thankfully the camera man wasn't responsible for deep coverage.

8. One note on the UT-UAB game, for the first time in my life the UT crowd booed players. Up until five years ago you didn't hear booing of any sort at the game. No matter what the result was. And there were some bad results. Both Jonathan Cromption and tight end Luke Stocker (whose hands appeared to be made of granite and lack finger extensions were loudly booed during the third quarter). I don't get this at all. Anytime you boo college athletes, I think it's incredibly stupid. But the booing of college athletes in the second game of the season during a game they're winning? That's Florida Gator fan-level cluelessness there. Is it spreading?

9. The Mississippi State-Auburn game finished with a 3-2 score. That's only happened six times in college football hstory and only once in the past 50 years. It was televised on ESPN-2 and redefined the term "slugfest." If you've ever wondered what football in 1932 looked like, you should have watched this game. But here's the deal, Sly Croom made the dumbest decision of the week. Why in the world did he choose to go for a 4th and 15 late? When his offense hadn't even converted a single third down of any distance all game? Especially when he had the opportunity to try and pin Auburn deep and allow his defense to go for either another safety or at least force Auburn to punt from their end zone? This decision was baffling to me. It's fairly rare you see a coach make a decision this dumb. Ever.

10. UCLA gave up 59 points to BYU. Two weeks ago my team lost to UCLA. This week we play Florida. I can't explain how unsettling this is. I know the transitive property doesn't work in sports, but, still, uh oh. By the way, if you're doubting whether or not USC is going to run the table in the Pac-10 this year, Arizona, Arizona State, Washington State, Washington, Stanford, Cal and UCLA all lost non-conference games this weekend. And Oregon needed overtime to beat the 6th or 7th best Big Ten school, Purdue.

11. Vandy is now 3-0. They beat Rice behind the fleet feet of their white running back, Jared Hawkins. The white running back is the story of this year's college football season. Michigan has one, UCLA started one, and I'm sure there are others. Of course two of these three teams looked inept on offense, but I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Yep, 2008 is the year of the white running back. But, lest we all forget, injury to fat men on your football team, are just a play away. And if this happens, college kids will reenact the injury.

One of Weis' own players was pushed into him on a punt and contorts Charlie's leg/knee in a way it simply should not go.

Fat guys will do anything to be just like Tommy Brady.

The Notre Dame haters out there can't be happy to see the Irish come away with a win over their rivals Michigan but to see Weis hobble back out to the field in a knee brace and crutches it pretty much the apex of schadenfreude.

Like his friend Brady, Weis' knee gets torn up [Chicago Tribune]

And Charlie Weis knows all about professionalism. Professionalism is calling Michigan players thugs, refusing to answer questions from the media, blaming your predecessor for your own personal failings, and reacting to any question that doesn't deify you as a personal insult. Man, aren't we all just incredibly lucky that the man holding down civility in America today is Charlie Weis? Seriously, though, not accepting apologies? What is this, the third grade?

Exclusive? Weis Accepted Apology Letter From Trey Wingo, Refused to Accept One From Dana Jacobson [The Big Lead]

I could get hoodlums and thugs and win tomorrow. I won't do it that way.

Of course, the quote could be a nothing, harmless quote, made by Weis to an audience full of Central Pennsylvania Notre Dame alumni sitting in a banquet hall, eating lukewarm food out of chafing dishes, in an attempt to fire up a crowd even though his program is, under his tenure, a losing one. But it also could be interpreted as one that was very marginalizing, or that other big time athletic programs are filling their teams with "hoodlums and thugs," which is why it was brought up last night on BDSS last night, PTI , andfew other places around the web.

John Heisler, Senior Associate Athletic Director, said when I called him today he was aware of the quote but said that the university wasn't planning on commenting on the remarks at this time. He went onto say that "[Weis] was just trying to make a a point about student athletics at our institution — that we only recruit quality individuals and we just don't accept anybody here. That's no big secret." Heisler did add that he understands how some people could be offended by the comment, but seemed confident that the university wouldn't have to publicly apologize for the remark.

One of the event's attendees, and a director at the GNDAC, is Rick Staub, HVAC supervisor at Shipley Energy, "Central Pennsylvania's leading total energy supplier," who said that people who think that Coach Weis' comments were insensitive or racist were probably "Notre Dame haters."

"You know, we're like the Yankees to some people, " he said. Staub then asked if he was going to be quoted for the story and I said, yes, I did identify myself as a reporter and you are talking to me.

"I don't want my quotes to be in print whatsoever. None, no way..." (Hey, journalist folk: Don't you just hate it when people do that?) Staub then suggested I speak with the club president, Brendan Cushing-Daniels for a response.

Cushing-Daniels said Weis' quote was "absolutely not" racist or meant to be offensive in any way. He went on to say that he was "white Irish Catholic" and that there back in the old days of New York City, people like him were considered hoodlums and thugs. (Somebody's seen "Gangs of New York"... )

Daniels, who speaks with a slight country twang and a 1987 graduate of Notre Dame and a professor of economics at Gettysburg College, was genuinely annoyed at the question. "I find it remarkable and disturbing that people are saying that comment is in anyway racist." He also said that if "your website" makes any implication that the quote was in anyway racist that Deadspin could expect a libel suit.

"Look at the racial make-up of the football team!" he barked.

That's fine. There are a lot of black people on Notre Dame. But how many black people were in the crowd at your event?

"None, but I think that's more a symptom of the geographic makeup of this part of Pennsylvania. The Notre Dame alums who live in this area are white."

Maybe it wasn't a racist comment, and Weis' was using "hoodlums and thugs" to make a point that Bill "The Butcher" Cutting wasn't going to get into Notre Dame even if he did lead his inner city high school in touchdowns the last two years. And context and setting is key for this quote — why should Weis apologize for a comment he made in an informal setting from the safety of a dais that may have offended some people?

Charlie Weis addresses Notre Dame club in Gettysburg [The Evening Sun]

Some folks are doing the math on the first 33 games of each coach's Irish tenure, and it's doesn't look good for Mr. Weis.

They each logged 20-13 records and were both 0-3 against USC. Then it gets really interesting. Record vs. Michigan: Willingham (2-1) and Weis (1-2). Point Differential vs. Michigan: Willingham (-28) and Weis (-57). Record vs. ranked opponents: Willingham (7-8) and Weis (4-8).

This ignores, of course, the obvious recruiting issue: Part of the reason Willingham was fired was because he recruited players like the ones who are stinking it up in South Bend right now. But then again, Willingham never made an idiot of himself at some dumb gastric bypass lawsuit trial either.

Crewcut Charlie: Take A Little Off The Top [The Wizard Of Odds]

Everything you ever wanted to know about Charlie is here. His zodiac sign is Popcorn; his interests include tight pants, play-calling and Candy Land; his immortal enemies are TD Jesus and shirt buttons; he loves monster ballads ... oh just read it! The entire thing is hilarious.

Fantastic work as usual from the good folks at JoeSportsFan.

Charlie Weis MySpace Profile [JoeSportsFan]

We found this exclusive look at Weis' playbook the most compelling. Turns out, it looks awfully familiar. Here's the gripping analysis of "25 Left Pitch."

This is 25 Left Pitch. This is where I like to put my high SAT score and astute knowledge of reverse psychology to work. This play is never meant to gain yards. We like to let our opponents think they are making plays in the backfield and beating our offensive line until we lull them into a false sense of security then, BAM we dominate. The BAM dominate part has yet to happen.

Actually, next year's Irish schedule is a little easier. They could approach five, maybe six wins.

Charlie Weis Explains The ND Playbook [CollegeGameBalls]
Notre Dame Is All Class, Baby [Rumors And Rants]

(UPDATE: To clarify, Northern Illinois doesn't actually have a scholarship to offer Jones anyway.)

We were in attendance for the Washington-Ohio State game on Saturday, and even though the Huskies fell apart in the second half, you could still see Washington coach Ty Willingham's smile from 200 feet in the air. (Which is where our seats were. We really miss some great big-time college football living in New York.) He has to be ecstatic to be out of there.

Some are blaming Weis for the disaster, which is probably inevitable, but the hardcore Irish bloggers are just looking for someone who can play this damned game.

WANTED: Large people who get in the way of other large people: No offensive line experience needed! If you have played o-line at any level - including touch football once a year on Thanksgiving- you are already overqualified. Applicants need to only be able to see a person in front of them and delay that person's movement in your direction from anywhere to a half-second to as long as possible. Current employees practice the "falling down" technique, which is not advisable, but allowed.

If applicants have no offensive line experience, then we ask that they be familiar with the awkward situation in a hallway or store aisle where you and a person walking the other way both accidentally step in the same direction trying to get around one another. Even if you do this on purpose as a method of flirting with an attractive co-customer, we assure you, your footwork is probably better than our current employees.

That team's gonna lose at least eight games this year; an empathetic nation mourns, totally.

Formerly Prestigious College Football Team Accepting Applicants At Many Positions! Apply Now! [Rakes Of Mallow]
Is Charlie Weis Just The Wizard Of Oz? [Foul Balls]

Yep, our man Charlie lost his suit against doctors he believes botched his gastric bypass surgery. (You can tell they botched it because he's still fat.)

Charlie Weis' bull-headed rush into weight-loss surgery he knew could kill him likely cost him any chance he had at convincing jurors he was a victim of bumbling surgeons, a medical malpractice attorney said yesterday.

John Cassidy, a senior partner at the Boston law firm Ficksman and Conley, said society's "bias towards obese people" could also have contributed to a Suffolk Superior Court jury's finding that Massachusetts General Hospital doctors Charles Ferguson and Richard Hodin were not responsible for the partial paralysis suffered by the former New England Patriots offensive coordinator after gastric bypass surgery in 2002.

Now that this endless media circus and around-the-clock court coverage is over, we can get back to our lives. As if to prove it, Brady Quinn showed up in 45 percent of the post-verdict photographs, doing something silly.

Game Over In Weis Trial [Boston Herald]

Yesterday, I attended the "BlogPhiladelphia Unconference", owing my alleged blogworthyness partly to Philadelphia magazine's supposed blog that was supposed to launch three months ago, but mostly because of my affiliation with Deadspin nation thanks to this here column. For, as I've pointed out on numerous occasions, my blogging abilities since the time of Oddjack are very suspect, considering that site shut down due to lack of traffic. In one of the many interviews I conducted yesterday at the event, I expounded upon why I thought I was such a terrible blogger. One of the reasons: My lack of discipline and attention span, two things that are pretty much required when you're a full-time employee of Gawker Media, which, as you may know, requires a quota for monthly posting. (Ed. Note: We happily soar past this number every month. We like our job a little too much.)

At Oddjack, I was terrible at doing the required 12 posts per day — some days there would 12, some days 8— but I would make sure that, come the end of the month, I would always make my quota somehow. During one of the early months, I realized that I was coming up incredibly short and needed 32 posts in one day in order to get paid the full amount. 32. But after 16 furious hours, I completed it.

Another thing I mentioned about guaranteed traffic killers was an utter lack of expertise on a chosen subject matter. At the time, poker was extremely popular and was expected to be a significant portion of Oddjack's daily coverage. The extent of my poker knowledge consisted of the stupid home games I played in junior high like Acey Duecy, Indian and the always rollicking "Pants Off, Who's Knockin'?", which can only be played with five jokers and at a location that has Dutch doors. Thankfully, I had the criminally underrated (but nonetheless brilliant) BG pulling together all the poker and horse racing stuff while I dicked around all day, sometimes chiming in with the occasional poker post that consisted of talking about the obesity of poker players.

Which gets to my point. (Finally. Apologies. Hungover like a motherfucker.) Charlie Weis has reopened his lawsuit against the surgeons that botched his own fatty suck surgery which he had five years ago and experienced deadly complications afterwards. Although Weis is not expected to be in playing shape his whole life, he should be able to keep his weight from spiraling so far out of control again that he's forced to staple two tablecloths to his thighs in order to wear pants. Mr. Weis is not alone in his offensive corpulence, however, and will surely not be the last person actively involved in the sports world to take such measures.

So this week, I'm blow-drying my banana trail, moisturizing my stretch marks and placing odds on the next sports-related individual to have gastric bypass surgery.

Commence stick-poking after this MORE.

Phil Mickelson: 4/1

Even though he's de-boobed himself a little bit in an attempt to better his game, Mickelson appears to have the genetic makeup to gain 14 pounds after eating one Fig Newton. He also appears to be incredibly vain, and in an effort to stave off being dangerously obese, his date with GBS is imminent. If he doesn't, Mickelson can look forward to being a 450-pound golfer on the Senior PGA tour, whose lone endorsement money will come from Hamburger Helper and mobility scooter companies.

Tonya Harding: 3/1

Did anybody else think for a second that Tonya Harding was playing the salad-tossing old broad on Entourage a couple weeks ago? She wasn't, but thanks to a post-skating career that's morphed her into the Butterbean of female boxing, Harding could've easily played the part. However, if Harding wants to regain even a smidgen of that trailer park sexuality that briefly made her appealing to meth lab owners, she'll have to get pumped. Hooray for Rim Jobs.

Andy Reid: 1/1

Reid's been teetering on the brink of obesity for so long, even his mustache has 65 percent body fat. And given his recent family troubles, look for Reid to find solace in a bathtub full of Touchdown Sundae. Reid, who seems to be the type of guy that enjoys his girth, will most likely not willingly have this surgery. So look for the Eagles to resort to blow-darting Reid at Lehigh this summer and then airlifting him to Thomas Jefferson hospital to undergo the procedure.

Akebono: 2/1

His glory days of Sumo dominance are behind him, leaving him only fading memories and a closet full of flag-sized kimonos. What can Akebono do with all that junk now that he's no longer wrestling? Leaving it behind is the only option. But a 20-year diet of fetal pig sandwiches and cheese milkshakes are hard habits to break. Enter GBS for the mighty Akebono, who could probably make some much-needed income by selling his fat to perfume companies in Japan. Akebono Musk: Smell the Bulbous.