Outside of calling balls and strikes, you would think that being an umpire is pretty simple. It requires almost no physical effort and there are very few "judgment" calls that require interpretation of some vague rule during split-second action. (Was that pass interference or incidental contact? Did he establish position before that charge?) Most decisions on the baseball field are very black and white and in the playoffs you get two extra guys so that's even less responsibility for some, yet somehow these guy keep screwing up the most basic umpiring functions.

Let's see if we can find them all....

AL Central Tiebreaker: With the bases loaded and one out in the top of the 12th inning, Brandon Inge is hit by a pitch. (Clothing counts!) Home plate umpire Randy Marsh says he wasn't. Inge grounds out, the Tigers fail to score and lose in the bottom of the inning.

Red Sox-Angles ALDS, Game 1: On two different plays, first base umpire C.B. Bucknor—once voted by players as the worst umpire in Major League Baseball—calls Howie Kendrick safe, even though replays showed 1B Kevin Youklis applied the tags to get Kendrick out. In both cases he fails to score, but the Red Sox lose anyway.

Yankees-Twins ALDS, Game 2: In the top of the 10th inning, Twins catcher Joe Mauer hits a line drive that bounces off Melky Cabrera's glove and clearly lands in fair territory before bouncing into the stands for what should have been a ground rule double. However, left field umpire Phil Cuzzi—who is at the game specifically to call fair balls down his line—rules it foul. Mauer later reaches on a single, but the Twins fail to score and lose in the bottom of the inning.

Rockies-Phillies NLDS, Game 3: With the game tied in the top of the 9th, Chase Utley hits a weak ground ball in front of the plate, but hustles down the line and is called safe at first when the throw is offline. However, replays show that not only did first baseman Todd Helton have his foot on the bag, the batted ball hit Utley while he was in the batter's box and should have been ruled a foul ball. As a result of the play, a runner on base moved to third and later scored the winning run on a sacrifice fly.

Did the ball hit him or not? Did he step on the base or not? What's that white line for? These are pretty basic questions for an umpire and those who are called upon to work playoff games are supposed to be the best of the best. So how have they botched these plays so spectacularly? Are we headed toward another Don Denkinger moment, when a egregiously blown call blatantly costs one team a game—and maybe the World Series?

We better hope not, because if that happens (and even if doesn't, the way things are going) then instant replay review will become a staple of Major League games and the slowest sport in the world will ooze to a molasses-like stalemate. Then you'll see some REALLY bad calls.

Umpire's Gaffe Fuels Talk of Expanding Replay System - washingtonpost.com [Washington Post]
MLB umps battling Letterman for October goat honors [USA Today]
Some players cry foul against umpires at Fenway Park [LA Times]
Umpires continue playoff slump, blow call twice on Utley single [Big League Stew]
Nothing But Complaints [WEEI]

Now, this is only a hypothetical list — none of these players have been accused or are even rumored to be on the '03 survey testing. The reason A-Rod's name popped up seems a little coincidental, considering that SI's Selena Roberts, one of the writers who broke the original story, is coming out with a book about Alex Rodriguez this May. Most baseball fans (and sports fans, in general) are pretty jaded by all this steroid talk. As long as there is a heartfelt apology attached, then let's move on. But here's a list of players whose careers would be seriously altered should their names pop up.

• Curt Schilling, Boston Red Sox: Schilling's been stridently anti-steroid and tireless in separating himself from the needle-injecting evil doers who have tainted his game. He's even demanded that the list of all the players who failed the test be publicly named so that the rest of the innocent players aren't just guilty by association. But what if his name pops up on the list? It would disastrous to his bloody sock legacy, but would also probably get him to shut the hell up for once. Finally.

• Derek Jeter, New York Yankees: Jeter's baseball reputation is pretty untarnished up to this point, that is if you count dalliances with young actresses or sabermetric knobs' conclusions that he's a crappy fielder blemishes. But Jeter popping up on the list of 103 would seem to rattle the baseball purists to the point of no return; if Jeter was using 'roids the whole time, does the fawning over his heart and hustle completely disappear and make him just an ordinary player for the rest of his career?

• Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies: He's consistently hailed as a throwback player and one who overachieves beyond his natural abilities and physicality to put up inflated power numbers. He's soft-spoken, humble, and always seems to say the right thing in public. You know, besides World Series victory parades in front of a live television audience.

• Greg Maddux, retired: He's the consummate "pitcher's pitcher" who's managed to rack up 355 wins throughout his career without overpowering stuff. Always lauded for his work ethic and his ability to out-think opposing batters, his Hall of Fame status could potentially be ruined if it turns out he'd been juicing for the sake of inching up the record books and prolonging his career.

• Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals: Leitch hinted that his trainer might have been on the initial Grimsely list back in 2006 and the Emeritus became the most hated man in the Midwest for a short period of time. (My favorite rip on Will at the time came from a writer who said something along the lines of, "He authored a book called 'Life As A Loser.' That's a surprise.") But what if you found out that Pujols' ridiculous slugging percentage and consistency were HGH-enhanced? He would go from perennial MVP candidate to Giambi-like, comeback player of the year candidate depending on how sincere his apology was.

"This was not a casual slip. This was an intentional misuse and abuse of the public airwaves. . . . How am I to explain such profanity to my child?"

or

"It was embarrassing that he was allowed to do that and if there are no ramifications I will be furious. Is there no platform that is sacred anymore?"

Right now the FCC will not comment about what actions it might take against the networks that ran it. Utley, on the other hand, will not face any fines for his "fucking."
FCC Gets Some Complaints About Utley's On-Air F-Bomb [Philly.com]

In the third inning of last night's victory, the Phillies second baseman made a frantic dash toward home plate in an attempt to eek out an extra run and ended up dismantling the Nationals' catcher Jesus Flores. The ball, however, was not dismantled. But the effort was not lost on Manuel, who wasted no time with the Mad Men-speak to describe Utley's effort.

"That's not old school, that's good school. That's the way you play the game unless you want to put some rouge and makeup and lipstick on."

Still two back, though.

Utley gives Phillies a crash-course in leadership [Philly.com]
Charlie Manuel knows a real man when he sees one [The Nationals Enquirer]

Utley of course is unconscious, with his homer on Tuesday making it seven homers in his past eight games (he already had a stretch of seven homers in seven games April 17-23). More Utley adulation over at Phillies Nation, including a nice photo of one of his diving catches. And The 700 Level also chips in right here. They're declaring him the frontrunner for NL MVP, and who are we to argue? Although Chipper Jones is still hitting over .400 (2-for-4 to increase his average to .407 in the Braves' 7-5 win over the Marlins). Meanwhile, the Reds' Ken Griffey Jr. sat out the game with "general soreness," remaining at 599 career homers. As I recall, didn't it also take him forever to go from 499 to 500?

• The Hat Squad. Um, what the hell is up with this?. Don’t know; don’t want to know. Baltimore beat Boston 6-3, as the Red Sox lost David Ortiz to the 15-day disabled list with a partially torn tendon in his left wrist.

• Jason And The Argonauts. The pinch-hit grand slam, thought to be extinct in the wild, was discovered in St. Louis on Monday when Pittsburgh's Jason Michaels did it to tie the game 4-all. Jason Bay then doubled home the winning run in the eighth.

• Mighty Casey. Casey Blake single-handedly saved your fantasy team with two homers, a bases-loaded double and seven RBI — the most by an American League player this season — as Cleveland beat Texas 13-9.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Game. Michael Cuddyer, Minnesota Twins. Wizard Cat hates greed, like when friends come over and try to muscle in on his Tender Vittles. Let this be a lesson to Derek Jeter, who tried to double down on the Twins' center fielder and was met with Epic Fail. Boom goes the dynamite! Wizard Cat gives this play: Five wands.

"I hope so," Utley said yesterday. "I'd hope it would be earlier than that. But again, I don't really know. It's going to depend on what the doctor says and also how it feels. If it feels good . . . "

(And if you think that photo is cute, check this out.)

Utley could be back to face Mets [Philly.com]
Cute photo of Chutley with one of John Vukovich's triplet granddaughters courtesy of the Cherry Hill Courier-Post.

-Clare

If you're into the counting stats, here's every hitting streak over 30 games coming into this season. There's some fun names on the list, including:

• Benito Santiago hit in 34 straight games in 1987. Imagine if they'd have had steroids for him back then.

• A bunch of people got stuck right at 30, illustrious names too: George Brett, Albert Pujols, Tris Speaker, Stan Musial, Nomar Garciaparra, Eric Davis and the immortal Jerome Walton.

• Pete Rose is the closest anyone has come in the last few decades with 44 games; no one's been above Rollins' 38 in 20 years.

So go go, Chase. We do love a good hitting streak.

Marlins-Phillies Box Score [Yahoo Sports]
30 Game Hit Streaks [The Baseball Page]