If Chelsea can secure a home win over their biggest rival (a task they couldn't achieve last season) they'll overtake Manchester United atop the Premier League table. The Red Devils were lucky to escape yesterday's Sunderland match with a tie following a late own goal. With Petr Cech sidelined due to suspension the pressure will be on reserve keeper Hilario as he faces a Liverpool attack anchored by Fernando Torres.

The match is airing shortly on Fox Soccer Channel, and I can pretty much guarantee that it will be more entertaining than Sunday NFL Countdown.

Later in the day the soccer world's attention turns to Spain, where Real Madrid will be without Cristiano Ronaldo when they travel to face unbeaten Sevilla. Ronaldo carried his Galacticos side to a midweek Champions League win over Marseille with two goals, however the Portuguese star went down with an ankle injury later in the contest. Oh well, they still have that Kaka guy.

Stick around here today to talk about the action on the pitch. And hey, how about a round of applause for Pompey? It only took them eight matches to secure their first point. Next step: figuring out who is supposed to be paying these guys.

We, or at least I, need to thank Friend of the Program Ryan Noel for his invaluable assistance in the creation of this post; he truly is the wind beneath my wings. Translation: I don't know shit about soccer and I called upon a friend to help me out. Thanks, Ryan!

Match of the Week: Chelsea @ Aston Villa
When/Where: 0730 EST, Setanta Sports
Storyline: Chelsea is entering its first Premier League game with temporary manager Guus Hiddink at the helm. Aston Villa is looking to continue its surprising run to a Champions League spot, with a win pushing them 5 points clear of 4th place Chelsea.
Players to Watch: Gareth Barry (Villa) - the Villa holding midfielder is having a strong run of form, helping the Villains to 349 consecutive Premiership minutes without conceding a goal.
Didier Drogba or Nicolas Anelka (Chelsea) - the Chelsea hitmen have struggled to find the net since the turn of the year, with Chelsea failing to score in 3 of their last 4 road games.
Outlook: Chelsea are struggling desperately on the road, while Villa have been imperious in front of net over their recent run of Premier League games. Chelsea might gain inspiration from new manager Hiddink, especially if he elects to start Drogba and Anelka together up top. Villa hope to get England international Emile Heskey back to action, further cementing his partnership with young Gabriel Agbonlahor.
Lineup Predictions:
Chelsea: Cech, Bosingwa, Terry, Mancienne, Ferreira, Lampard, Ballack, Mikel, Kalou, Drogba, Anelka
Aston Villa: Friedel, Luke Young, Davies, Knight, Shorey, Ashley Young, Petrov, Barry, Milner, Heskey, Agbonlahor
Deadspin Pub Prediction: Aston Villa 2, Chelsea 0

Here are your top matches of the weekend:

English Premier League
• Chelsea at Aston Villa (Saturday): 4th place at 3rd place - enough said.
• Manchester City at Liverpool (Sunday): Liverpool host the enigmatic Blues in their bid to keep pace with leaders Manchester United.

Spanish Primera
• Espanyol at Barcelona (Saturday): The Barcelona city derby pits the league leaders against the bottom-dwellers. Derbies are always feisty.

Italian Serie A
• Juventus at Palermo (Saturday): Juve striker Amauri returns to his old stadium, La Favorita, for the first time this season.
• Cagliari at AC Milan (Sunday): Beckham should be fit to face the in-form Rossoblu.

French Ligue 1
• Olympique Lyon at AS Nancy Lorraine (Saturday): The league leaders look to widen the gap against mid-table Nancy.
• Paris St. Germain at Grenoble (Saturday): PSG look to keep pace with Lyon with a road victory at Grenoble.

German Bundesliga
• FC Cologne at Bayern Munich (Saturday): "FC Hollywood" have slipped to 4th, but a win at Cologne temporarily sees them atop the league.
• Hertha Berlin at VFL Wolfsburg: The surprise league leaders leave Berlin for the Volkswagen Arena to take on 6th place Wolfsburg.

Bonus: Americans Abroad this Weekend:
• Borussia Mönchengladbach v. Hannover 96: Michael Bradley leads 'Gladbach against Steve Cherundolo's Hannover team. Sal Zizzo is not expected to dress for Hannover.
• Bayern Munich v. FC Cologne: Landon Donovan stands a chance at starting for Munich as Luca Toni is struggling with an achilles injury.
• Aston Villa v. Chelsea: Brad Friedel will start in goal with understudy Brad Guzan on the bench.
• Bolton Wanderers v. West Ham United: Jonathan Spector is expected to be dressed and on the bench for the Hammers.
• Rangers v. Kilmarnock: Demarcus Beasley and Maurice Edu are both coming off strong Scottish Cup showings and could both see signifcant time in this SPL matchup.
• Nice v. Stade Rennes: Carlos Bocanegra anchors the Rennes left-side against mid-table Nice.
• Pachuca v. Ciudad Juarez: Jose Francisco Torres leads league-leaders Pachuca against 5th place Juarez.

John Lawless, a lower league player from Merseyside in England, invented a unique way of taunting rival FC United of Manchester.

While taking a corner at the end of the ground in which most of the 2,122 spectators were gathered, Mr. Lawless was seen to wave his arms to make an airplane gesture in an apparent reference to the Munich air disaster of 1958. The crash killed eight players from Manchester United. Three Manchester United staff and eight journalists also died. Mr Lawless’s taunt led to uproar in the stadium and stewards had to prevent several fans from going onto the pitch.”

Lawless got a "police warning," whatever that means. Meanwhile, in Premier League play, Chelsea fans — there's a couple of them pictured above — showed their support for Manchester United star Ronaldo:

Ronaldo really enjoyed that one. He was abused during the game by Chelsea fans who sickeningly chanted "You should have died in the tunnel" — a reference to him writing off his $200,000 Ferrari on the way to training last week.

Oh, and John Lawless is a wanker, apparently.

Man United 3, Chelsea 0 [The Sun]
Footballer Taunts Fans With Munich Air Disaster Mime [Anorak]
Merseyside Footballer In Trouble After Alleged Munich Air Disaster Taunt [Big Soccer]

The two best pieces of advice I ever got both came from the father of one of my best friends back in hight school. First, no matter how fucked up you get the night before, never miss class; second always under-promise and over-deliver. It's not quite Teen Wolf quality stuff, but the guy married money and never worked a day in his life, so how he had any insight into how the world really worked I haven't a clue. Still, I sailed through college (a couple of times) just by showing up and since then have worked to keep the bar low so that I rarely disappoint. It hasn't made me a billionaire or anything, but I've also never suffered the threat of physical violence for lying about my capabilities. So that's maybe a push.

It's also what has made Arsenal's shitty form of late so strangely liberating. Entering yesterday's match-up at Stamford Bridge, the Gunners were 1-3-1 in their last five league matches and failed even to score in the last two. Some bad off-season player-personnel decisions, a couple of key injuries, and a mentally unstable captain apparently are all it takes for the wheels to come completely off. On the upside, I was so emotionally disinterested that when Johan Djourou knocked in an own goal to put Chelsea up 1-0 at the 30 minute mark, it didn't really bother me. I had already mentally penciled in another Arsenal loss, so there was no possible downside to the outcome. Diminished expectations rule.

Then in a five minute span Robin Van Pirsie scored twice—and, yes, that first one was a complete gift as no part of his body (or shadow) was even close to being onside—as Arsenal went up 2-1 and went from maybe stealing a point to walking out with all three. And it fucked everything because now a win is possible and I'm no longer blissfully detached. How people with a heart condition watch the last 10 minutes of a soccer match is beyond me. If we really want to control health costs in America, all we have to do is figure out how to make old people really care about soccer.

Anyway, Arsenal held on and looked surprisingly competent doing it. If I were an optimist, I'd think the club had a stellar November. They beat United and Chelsea and qualified for the knock out stages of the Champions League. Of course that's conveniently forgetting the bad losses to Stoke, Villa, and Citeh. The truth is Arsenal caught a break by playing Chelsea. Lesser teams that come out to beat up Arsenal, find that, with the exception of Samir Nasri, they are kind of a bunch of pussies. Teams that come out to play futból find themselves with some work to do. And Phil Scolari, to his credit, came out to play football. It led to a scintillating first 45, but it also eventually led to the two Arsenal scores.

The other truth is that the win doesn't legitimately put Arsenal back in the title race. If Liverpool win today, the Gunners are again 10 points back and already have two more losses than they did all of last season. And there's a good reason they won't challenge for the title: they are not that good, at least not relative to the title contenders of the recent past. Sometimes explanations really are that obvious.

Arsenal used to run out Thierry Henry and Dennis Bergkamp. Now it's Adebayor and Robin Van Persie. Quality players, but not in the same league. Come on, Niklas Bendtner was Arsenal's late tactical sub Sunday. When your third best striker looks like a lesbian, you're not winning the Prem. I'm no metaphysician, but I'm pretty sure that's an immutable law of the universe. Now, I just have to convince myself that I really believe all of this so that I can have my lowered expectations back.

Teen Wolf - Memorable Quotes [imdb.com]
Arsenal Stun Chelsea {Reuturs UK]

Co-Matches of the Day...

EPL - Aston Villa vs. Manchester United at 1:00 pm on FSC
Honestly, what more needs to be said about this match between the third and fifth place squads on the EPL table? Martin O'Neill's club has been superb in recent weeks, and now even Sir Alex Ferguson believes that Villa could wind up qualifying for the Champions League by finishing in one of the coveted spots among the top four. Of course to do that the Scotsman will have to unseat one of the big four, but that hardly seems out of the question at this point in the season. Villa is coming off of a dismantling of Arsenal which has left them tied with the Gunners at 23 points, good enough for a top four spot on the table. Sir Alex's side rests just one point clear of today's challengers, and they'll need a superb effort all over the pitch to ensure a victory over an inspired Villa side.

Serie A- Inter Milan vs. Juventus at 2:30 pm on FSC
A win for Juve would vault them into a tie on points with Inter, however the Milanese side would likely remain atop the table based on goal differential (+3 over Juve going into the match). Of course Inter's rivals will have something to say about that on Sunday seeing as how they currently sit between the two age-old rivals. Jose Mourinho is calling it "another match" although the rest of Italy would probably beg to differ. The biggest question for the former Chelsea boss is whether he'll fit a disgruntled Adriano into the starting 11 for Internazionale. Regardless, the Special One will be looking to gain a huge leg up in the arduous Serie A season with three crucial points on the line. And yes, this is one of those Serie A matches that I'll force myself to watch, no matter how much I hate Inter. Sure college football will be on, but every good household should be equipped with a pair of televisions.

Other televised matches of interest...

EPL - Liverpool vs Fulham at 10:00 am on Setanta
Hey Fulham, you're going to lose, so the least you could do is let Deuce Dempsey play more than 20 minutes. Don't forget, we saved your asses in WWII and we kept you out of relegation last year. And that ends this week's installment of The Entitled American.

EPL - Chelsea vs. Newcastle at 10:00 am on FSC
Just win, baby! Oh, and be sure to humiliate the Magpies if you get a chance. Although I do enjoy their beer.

Bundesilga - Bayern Munich vs Energie Cottbus at 11:30 on GolTV
Don't blink or you'll likely miss a lot of balls traveling at high rates of speed past the Energie keeper. Seriously, how has Lukas Podalski not ruptured a net?

La Liga - Real Madrid vs Recreativo at 2:00 pm on GolTV
Another huge mismatch that should be good for the fan of goal scoring. Real is coming off of a bad loss against Valladolid and they've allowed a combined six goals in their past two victories, so to say Bernd Schuster's could use a positive result would be a gross understatement. Regardless, I'm taking it upon myself to set the number of goals scored by Madrid's Dutch internationals at 2 even without the services of Arjen Robben (stupid doctors).

Ligue 1 - PSG vs Lyon at 3:00 pm on Setanta
The Parisians are on fire so they couldn't possibly ask for a better time to face the dominating league champions from Lyon. The French might not have the money and star power of their European brethren, but this match will show that they still put out an impressive product.

La Liga - Sevilla vs Valencia at 4:00 pm on GolTV
Good God, what an awesome match this is going to be. In all honesty it should be amongst the day's featured matches listed above, but if you miss it it's your own damn fault. Pretty much any televised match from La Liga is worth your time, but when you're talking about two top contenders for the league's top four positions you should expect an epic clash. Earlier I mentioned Inter's Adriano, but the his namesake and fellow Brazilian playing for Sevilla is much more fun to watch.

EPL - Manchester City vs Arsenal at 5:00 pm (tape delay) on Setanta
Tape delay? Fuck you, television!

I'm sorry, I take that back. I love you television, with all my heart. If you love me back you'll show me nothing but glorious goals from Robinho and his fellow Citizens, no matter how hard Bertin and Hirshey pray for the opposite.

Enjoy the games and be sure to follow along in the comments as always.

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin.

Liverpool fans must still be over the fucking moon today. A 1-0 win over Chelsea, giving their 86 game home winning streak the, well, 86, and moving atop the table. And I'm not not going to pee on the Reds' parade. I should if only because that's one of about three skills I have. That and parades are intrinsically pretty gay. I mean, It's not like there's a Gay Pride Bullfight or anything. But just shy of the quarter pole, Liverpool are three points clear (I couldn't find a news story indicating whose house the fans robbed to celebrate but the safe money is on Xabi Alonso's). Just one quick caveat, though.

It's not success against the rest of the Big 4 that really matters. Sure it helps. And with wins over United and Chelsea (and both without Fernando Torres) Scousers probably feel like they've finally appeased the soccer gods since selling their souls in Istanbul three years ago; but just two seasons back my beloved Gunners were 3-1-2 in league matches against Chelsea, Liverpool, and Man U, and still finished fourth, something like 20 points out of the title. Losing at Sheffield United will do that. Hey, the gods can be cruel.

And Liverpool has already flirted with similar disasters a couple of times the season. The Guardian last week had a stat saying something like if matches were 76 minutes long, Liverpool would be on 7 points. Or in 16th or 17th place. I don't remember exactly, other than there were a few sixes and sevens in it.

Oops, I'm peeing aren't I? Look, I've got no problem with Liverpool. I don't live near there, so I'm not likely to be burgled. It's just that almost every time they play Chelsea it's fucking boring. Like eyebleedingly so. From the start of the '06-'07 season, the teams have played each other nine times in the Premier League and Champions League. Between them, they've managed to rack up a total of 15 goals in those nine matches, and five of those—a full third—came in last year's Champions League return leg at Stamford Bridge. That's 10 goals in the other eight matches. Maths!

I'm the first to argue that goals don't equal excitement because, well, they don't—shit Hull and West Brom played a scoreless first half Saturday that was like watching the Showtime Lakers play the Showtime Lakers on grass—but after Xabi Alonso's shot deflected in for Liverpool after about 10 minutes, Cole misfired wide left, Deco went high, as did Gerrard, and Alonso hit the post from a dead ball.

That was a collective, what, six seconds of excitement. The only other entertainment value in the remaining 80 minutes came from trying to translate the string of obscenities from the front row Chelsea fans out of the Queen's English every time the ref made any call, good or bad. I see "fucking cunt" is still extraordinarily popular in England (also, how the hell did Mascherano draw a yellow when Ashley Cole should have been sent off?). Last season, I hoodwinked three girls to come with me to watch these same teams play. Two of them don't talk to me anymore. Granted I told them they might meet cute Euro boys but neglected to tell them that "cute" meant "doughy" and "Euro" meant "drunk" but the 0-0 draw didn't help.

So yeah, matches aren't 76 minutes long and you can't luck your way to the top of the table after nine games (although third might be possible). There's still a long way to go, but if not Arsenal, then sure, why can't them. I've got no problem if Liverpool wins the EPL (suck it, Barcalys) once every 17 years. But please, just stop playing Chelsea. Split the points, divvy up two draws, or even a win apiece. Share the gate and take those weekends off—more time to masturbate! Anything. Because come the end of next January, I'm going to fall for it again—20-someodd world class players (not you, Anelka), the league top spot possibly for the taking, what could possibli go wrong—when I should just stay in bed and sleep.

The Fucking Moon [YouTube.com]
Liverpool Show They Mean Business [Goal.com]
Goal of the Week: Kieran Richardson [101 Great Goals]

Match of the Week

EPL Chelsea vs. Liverpool at 9:30 on Setanta
The Scousers have never managed so much as a single goal at Stamford Bridge during league play under Rafa Benitez, and with Torres injurd it seems highly unlikely that Liverpool will earn a point, much less three. Of course Chelsea is somewhat depleted in their own right. Ballack, Drogba, and Joe Cole join Michael Essien in the spectators booth. However Carvalho will return to the lineup to form an dominating back line in front of Petr Cech.

Other Televised Matches of Potential Interest

Serie A - Atalanta vs. AC Milan at 10:00 am on FSC
Why aren't you watching Chelsea?

EPL - West Ham vs. Arsenal at 12:00 pm on FSC
Watch the Gunners attempt to claw back within a point of mighty Hull City.

La Liga - Recreativo Huelva vs. Valencia at 12:00 pm on GolTV
Honestly, it's better than the FOX pregame show.

EPL - Portsmouth vs. Fulham at 1:00 pm on Setanta
Pompey will play for the first time since losing their manager Harry Redknapp to the woefully underachieving Spurs.

La Liga - Villarreal vs. Atletico Madrid at 2:00 pm on GolTV
Will Jozy suit up? Probably not, but hey, enjoy the stylings of Sergio Aguero.

Serie A - Palermo vs. Fiorentina at 3:30 pm on FSC
How do you say "fuck no" in Italian?

La Liga - Real Madrid vs. Atletico Bilbao at 4:00 pm on GolTV
Real is poised to move back towards the top of the table and Bilbao can't score for shit.

Ligue 1 - Marseilles vs. PSG at 4:00 pm on Setanta
The French aren't all bad. Except for Paris. They suck.

EPL - Chelsea vs. Liverpool at 6:00 pm (same day tape) on Setanta
Just in case you missed it the first time around.

Enjoy your day, and so help me god if I see a spoiler for this Chelsea match before I can watch it on the DVR I'll bury the lot of you in a shallow grave.

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin.

The league is over. I'm not so sure I believe it, but it's fun to make mildly outrageous predictions just over a fifth the way through the season. It's also really easy. Watch: "Chelsea have won the league." Piece of poundcake. Plus, if I'm wrong, I can write it off to one of those stupidly hyperbolic yet consequence-less claims sportswriters make. Those extension courses at the Mariotti School of Journalism and Sexual Orientation have to pay off somehow. And I'm not going gay.

Chelsea stand on 20 points after 8 matches. At that clip they would equal their '04'-05 record setting point-total of 95. Two things: 1) Small sample size B) Aren't Liverpool also on 20 points? Yes and yes. In fact both teams have faced Manchester United at home with Liverpool taking three points, to the Blues' draw. So advantage Liverpool, right?

Silly rabbit. Of Liverpool's six wins, four have come with the Reds enjoying a man advantage by the final whistle. Four! Shit, even I only thought it was three before I went back to look it up. It is a little misleading as Everton were already beaten when Tim Cahill got a straight red late in the second half—and really, Cahill can't get carded enough—and Vidic's sending off for United came in the 90th minute of a match that Liverpool had in hand. But, in the last two league tilts, six points have turned in Liverpool's favor on cards. Against Man City, they were down 2-1 when Pablo Zabaleta got sent off in the 67th. They won 3-2. Saturday against Wigan, they were also down 2-1 when Antonio Valencia got his second yellow in about five minutes. Final also 3-2.

Lucky? Wigan manager Steve Bruce has every right to bitch about Valencia's first card. And Kuyt's game winner bounced off a defender, the keeper, the crossbar and right the post before deflecting in across the line but, even with the breaks, Liverpool did put the goals in net to get the points.

Still, in a 38-game season it's better to be good than lucky because after eight games it's not so much the 20 points in the standings as it is the plus-16 goal difference for Chelsea. Every season but one this century the team with the best GD at the end won the league—the exception being '02-'03 when Arsenal was +43 and runner-up to United at +40—and Chelsea already has a relatively comfy six GD cushion over the Gunners at plus-10. (And note to Hull: only one team, '04-'05 Everton, has cracked the top 4 with a 0-or-worse GD in recent history, so enjoy your D-Backs-esque run in the top 4 while you can... or starting scoring more).

The plus-16 might seem skewed given Chelsea's 5-0 Saturday thrashing of Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem but given the Blues' 4077th status the result is actually even more impressive. Entering the weekend, their injured players—11 of them—could not only field a full team but one capable of winning the Champions League, assuming it didn't go to penalty kicks (John Terry was on the list even though he did end up starting). That was a B-team (okay maybe B-plus) Gene Hackman (or here or here) sent out and they still trashed another Premier League side.

Money can't buy you love, but love can't buy you shit, especially not the depth it takes to win in the Prem. So even if Roman Abramovich is taking a £12 billion hit as we collectively spiral toward becoming a global third world, he started out far enough ahead that his football toy is in good shape.

Bad refereeing—and plenty of it though just 8 games has been fucking awful—will even out over the season but injuries will hit everyone at some point, and hard. So depth eventually becomes more important than luck in rescuing points here and there. Yeah, revelatory insight I know. But at least there's only a six day wait for the two parties is question to prove it true on the pitch.

And if I'm wrong? Nothing happens.

Bruce Points Finger at Referee [Independent.co.uk]

Abramovich Plays Down Losses [Foxsports.com]

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin

Sir Alex Ferguson can go fuck himself. Okay, literally, that might be a bit of a tall order, but he does have a saggy set of B-cups so he could at least give himself a good feeling up. I mean this with the utmost respect, of course—the guy has built a machine at Manchester United—but apparently he thinks his squad needs special treatment.

The Red Devils' manager was quoted as saying: "There is something wrong when Manchester United get seven bookings." Pretty sure he's not saying there is something wrong with his team's play, but with the refereeing or the universe or something. Funny part about it is that the comment wasn't from Sunday's 1-1 draw against Chelsea (when United did indeed collect seven yellows) but from back in February, after United got booked seven times also all yellows and also in a 1-1 draw at Tottenham. That match was pretty much the reason that the league launched its quaint "Respect" campaign this season.

It was actually a re-launch. Three years ago, the EPL trotted out the slogan "Respect the ref, respect the game" with the aim of clamping down on abusive language, diving and mass confrontation of the official. And it successfully removed all diving from the game. This time around the league is setting the "Respect" bar a little lower and just asking that only captains address the official. Basically every couple of years the English need a massive campaign to say, "We're not kidding any more, we're going to enforce this rule. No, this time we totally mean it. Seriously. Why is everyone laughing? Oh look, pies."

Anyway, the weekend rematch of last year's Champions League final and what could have been an epic featuring the return of the EPL's favorite (oops, "favourite") gravity victims—Didier Drogba and Cristiano Ronaldo— turned into, eh, a decent watch, notable mostly for the facts that Chelsea couldn't finish and United couldn't keep their mouths shut. Oh, and Fergie is a giant hypocrite.

Joe Cole had a couple of looks that took more skill to miss than to bury and still has to be thinking he blew the chance to put nine points between the sides, assuming Cole's inner monologue can speak in complete sentences and do math. Of course that would have been irrelevant if Nicolas Anelka had decided to redirect a cross into an open net instead of trying to trap it with his testicles (Obligatory cheap joke: "Oh wait, he's French. He doesn't have testicles").

And after claiming an early lead, United puts its efforts into taking out the TCP (and anyone who knows what the fuck that lyric means, feel free to chime in). Scholes for a late tackle. Ferdinand for dissent. Rooney also for a late challenge. Cristiano Ronaldo also for dissent. Neville for the pre-pube Mexi-stache. Not a one of them was overly harsh: that was Scholes third late challenge; Ferdinand, despite not having the captain's arm band spent as much time sniping at referee Mike Riley as defending; and Ronaldo, took all of five minutes after entering the game to play "'Scuse me while I kiss the ground." Untouched. Of course.

But all of that pales in comparison to what happened at the match end. With around 92 and change on the clock, and after the officials had signaled 3 minutes of stoppage time—and that's a minimum number—Ferdinand fouled Drogba on a header right at the edge of the box. Riley walked to the spot of the foul (the announcers even exclaimed that Ferdinand was being sent off). Even stranger, Ferguson came running out on the pitch. An automatic ejection. The Chelsea fans around me were going nuts. A spot kick with a man advantage for a chance to win. Sweet.

Just as quickly the Chelsea fans around me were all confused as both teams started walking off the pitch. Whaaaa... ? Turns out Riley blew the final whistle, despite the fact that Drogba was fouled (he was still on the ground and needed attention) and the minimum of 3 minutes hadn't passed.

Now, compare that to the last time United collected seven cards, that Tottenham match in February. The Red Devils were down 1-0 when the ref indicated 4 minutes of stoppage time. But play was allowed to continue to 5 minutes so United could take a corner. On the last touch of the match, Carlos Tevez redirected the ball into goal and Man U escaped with a draw.

So, instance A, whistle is blown early to prevent United from facing a kick that could send them to a loss. Instance B, the ref allows play to continue so they can get an opportunity to level (which they do). Yet, Sir Alex spent the post game Sunday complaining that he couldn't complain about the officiating. It's not like United are the only beneficiaries of questionable referee decisions, but man they seem to be the most consistent beneficiaries of them. I don't know. I'm admittedly biased. But that's also a team that somehow conceded all of one two penalty kicks against them all of last season.

In any event, if Ferguson can afford £30 million for a striker who can't be bothered to break into anything beyond a trot, he can probably afford any five-figure fine he'd probably get for just complaining again that United shouldn't be allowed to collect seven cards, seemingly for no other reason than they are United.

The evil fuckers. AKA Manchester United come into the game off of a mid-week scoreless draw against Valencia in the Champions League and they are in need of a win to keep from falling too far back on the Premier League table. Just as United has begun to incorporate Dimitar Berbatov into their attack they've gotten Cristiano Ronaldo back from injury. The world's most decorated player will be making his season debut in the Premier League in an attack that also features Carlos Tevez, Wayne Rooney, and the aforementioned Bulgarian headband enthusiast.

The glorious saviors (that everybody hates just as much as Man U). With a win Chelsea can vault back to the top of the league table and avenge their double loss to Manchester last season. They come in to this home match having scored seven goals in their previous two matches against Bordeaux and Manchester City, and Didier Drogba is ready to rejoin the regular lineup. The dominating striker should benefit greatly from Big Phil Scolari's new system, and his Portuguese imports Deco and Bosingwa. Both players have shown the ability to feed the ball into the striker's position, especially the impressive the fullback whose services have already created numerous scoring chances out of thin air this season.

Now sit back and enjoy what should be a fantastic morning of soccer between England's top two clubs. But stick to lighter beverages for now, there's still plenty of American football to come. Marcel will be back with you at the regularly scheduled time so don't forget to send your tips to marcelmutoni@gmail.com.

Manchester suffered another blow when Nemanja Vidic was sent off after a second yellow card, meaning he won't be available for next week's huge clash with Chelsea.

• Who's the guy sucking his thumb? Seeing Robinho in that pale blue after envisioning him in a real shade for so long was painful enough, then he had to go and stick in the dagger with a picture perfect set piece ten minutes into his debut. Fortunately for my sanity's sake, a fortuitous bounce off of a Chelsea corner delivered the ball right to Carvalho. The central defender took advantage of his rare opportunity with a powerful blast into a wide open goal. Chelsea went up for good in the second half after an exchange with Malouda on the wing left Lampard free to create some space for a powerful left-footed shot past Joe Hart.

Anelka added a clincher before he was replaced by Drogba, who was making his season debut following injury. Unfortunately for Chelsea (and those within earshot of my screams), John Terry was given a horseshit red card, making him the second key defender to be canceled out of next week's match.

• Still want to sell him? Emmanuel Adebayor was the man for Arsenal, scoring a hat trick in a 4-0 drubbing of Blackburn Rovers. The Gunners find themselves third on the table trailing Chelsea and Liverpool with nine points. Just two points shy of them lies Hull City, the real power of the EPL. The Tigers devoured the Magpies 2-1 in front of thousands of really angry people at St. James Park.

The Hammers played much of the game with just ten men after Mark Noble was sent off late in the first half with two yellow cards. Oh, and after two weeks (Ed. Note: I'm an idiot) this week they produced exactly zero shots on goal. So if you see a glow coming from Alan Curbishley's front door, it's nothing to worry about, just your run of the mill torch-wielding mob.

• Deco Leads the Way. Chelsea was victorious once again in the day's other match thanks to Deco's superb free kick in the fourth minute and a valiant effort from Peter Cech in goal. Wigan controlled the attack for the remainder of the first half, but were unable to capitalize on their multitude of opportunities. Michael Essien provided a boost to the squad just by playing the entire 90 minutes with a sore ankle, although Chelsea's world-class midfield didn't look nearly as sharp as they did a week ago. The win vaults Chelsea back atop the table over Liverpool, who have managed six points of their own despite playing like warmed over dog shit for two weeks.

• A Monday Night Party. There's just one match left in this second week of Premier League action as the Red Devils travel to Portsmouth for a Monday night (3 pm EST) affair. Perhaps that's where Berbatov is hiding!

Anelka was second on the score sheet when he rushed the goalie's line to power in a header off of Deco's deft cross.

Lampard scored the third goal of the half on a penalty following an unlucky hand ball on Portsmouth. Fittingly, it was Deco who added the final dagger when James was unable to deny his blast from distance in the second half. The newly acquired midfielder was one of two Portuguese players to make stellar debuts for Scolari. The other was right back Jose Bosingwa, he of the children's size medium jersey.

Ballack went out with an injury late in the first half and was replaced by Malouda, while Drogba and Essien watched in street clothes. As for Peter Crouch's Portsmouth debut? He touched the ball a couple of times.

• That could have gone better. Newcastle provided the stunner of the weekend, earning a 1-1 draw against the defending English and European champions at Old Trafford. Obafemi Martins hung in the air to put home a corner with his head to give the Magpies a stunning first half lead, but the Reds answered moments later when a Giggs cross was put home by new Darren Fletcher. However that was the end of the scoring for the day, despite good efforts on either side. Manchester was playing without the injured Ronaldo, and Tevez, who is in Argentina on bereavement leave.

Jonas Gutierrez impressed Newcastle fans with a fantastic debut in the Premier League, and goalie Shay Given was equally impressive in net. Manchester tightened the screws late in the contest, but they were never able to get one past the keeper. Their last chance came when Rooney lined up a kick following foul just outside the box in stoppage time, only to see it fly past the post.

• Agbonlahor! Aston Villa put their unsettling offseason behind them with a dominating 4-2 performance over Manchester City at Villa Park. Gabriel Agbonlahor netted a hat trick for the Villains, scoring all three goals in a spectacular stretch of just under eight minutes. The other goal came off the head of Carew via a cross from Ashley Young.

Elano beat Villa's familiar new keeper Brad Friedel from the spot for one of City's goals, the other came from Corluka in the game's waning minutes. The game is airing on tape delay on Fox Soccer Channel if you want to see some scoring.

As the stand-off developed, hooligans — including several young women — hurled bottles and dustbins at police before running back into the crowd. Many thugs covered their faces with scarves as they taunted police. Officers in riot gear and wielding batons charged the crowd to disperse them as missiles rained down.

Not sure what a dustbin is ... my understanding of British outdoor objects is limited to things I've seen in Monty Python sketches, such as "Vicious gangs of keep-left signs ..."

So if I have this straight, Chelsea fans were fighting with each other? Wow.

In Moscow, where the match was held, things were somewhat calmer.

Thousands of Chelsea fans were bussed under police escort to their airports soon after their team lost on penalties. Police said they had used mobile "sobering vans" to treat drunk fans before the game.

A few of those vans were sorely needed at the Preakness last weekend.

Riots In London As Chelsea Fans Clash With Police After Champions League Defeat [London Daily Mail]

Wide right. Are there two more magical words in the English language aside from perhaps open bar? But for a New York Giants fan and Chelsea-hater, wide right is a thing of poetic beauty. First Scott Norwood misses from 47 yards against the Big Blue in the '91 Super Bowl and now John Terry misses from 12 yards against ManU in yesterday's Champions League final.

Of course, there are differences. When Norwood planted his foot, the rain wasn't lashing down, turning the field into a watery bog. And to the best of my knowledge ol' Scotty wasn't an arrogant, bullying dick who tried to intimidate referees and parked his car in spaces reserved for the handicapped because he couldn't be bothered to drive his Bentley to the lot across the street.

So, please, spare me the tears for England's Brave John Terry. Yes, he's a warrior who, in the last two months, has shrugged off a dislocated shoulder and a broken foot to soldier on for club and country. And yes, he is a defensive collossus who yesterday saved a sure goal in overtime when he contorted his body to get his head on Ryan Giggs point-blank shot. But as far as I'm concerned Terry's tragic slip couldn't have happenned to a nicer guy.

To me, he is the gleaming hood ornament of a Chelsea team that feels titles are their divine right because they are all international superstars who make more money than God . But less than Roman Ambramovich.
So yesterday, in the packed and boisterous bar of Playwright's Tavern, my Champions League watering hole, I rooted against Chelsea openly, loudly, and unapologetically. It's not that I , an insufferable Arsenal fan, love ManU—flying pizzas, anyone?—but to me, they are the lesser of two evils . Sort of like if I were watching Hitler and Stalin go at it in the Octagon, my money's on Big Joe.

So,yes, I was cheering for ManU in public and have been hearing ever since that I'm no longer worthy of wearing my Arsenal thong. But if being branded a traitor means that Chelsea had its heart ripped out yesterday in front of a billion people, then I say bring it on. You Duke and UNC fans know what I'm talking about. Or, as my friend Will Blythe says, to hate like this is to be happy forever.

Inspiring me in my temporary ManU affection was my friend Robert Lewis, a lawyer and star striker for Maccabi Manhattan, who makes Leitch look like a Cardinals bandwagon jumper when it comes to pimping for your team. Lewis not only brought along a small set of speakers that he set up on the bar to blare the actual recording of his beloved United winning their last Champions League title in 1999 , he was wearing the same vintage ManU jersey he first sported 18 years ago — when he was 12

But Lewis's was by no means the tightest jersey in the bar yesterday. That honor belonged to the late shift bartender who started slinging shots with a black halter top that was stuffed with what I assumed were overinflated soccer balls. But I digress.

This was the kind of game that could make footy fans out of Lupica, Kornheiser, and Daulerio , the Holy Trinity of soccer bashers. It had everything you could ask for: drama ( Ronaldo missing, Terry slipping, Van der Saar saving), controversy (Drogba being sent off for his bitch slap on Vidic); moments of genius (Rooney's 60 yard diagonal ball from deep in his own half to the foot of Ronaldo on the edge of the Chelsea penalty area); moments of high hilarity (Ronaldo kissing the ball before taking his penalty kick, then doing his ridiculous stutter-step approach, and telegraphing his shot so that Cech could save it ); shots that hit the post (Drogba's howitzer in the 78th minute); shots that hit the crossbar (Lampard's rocket in the second minute of extra-time); bloodied noses (Scholes, courtesy of Makelele's elbow) ; a near brawl (Vidic going after Drogba to show why the United fans chant "Serbia, it rhymes with murdera " ); acrobatic saves (Cech parrying Tevez's bullet header in the first half); and the comforting sight of a Russian oligarch who poured a billion of his petrol dollars into assembling a band of high-priced mercenaries realizing he couldn't buy the prize he most coveted and covering his eyes with his hands during the shootout.

How fitting that the Chelsea player who would ultimately miss the decisive penalty would be the well-traveled (this was his eighth club and and he is surely on his way to his ninth any day now) hired gun Nicolas Anelka, whom Abramovich bought for $30 million in mid-season for his Midas goal-scoring touch. The sulky Frenchman repaid the owner's faith with a whopping two goals in his 23 appearances for the Blues. Is it any wonder that when he stepped up to take the PK yesterday, he looked almost indifferent as if this was just another payday and win or lose he was going to cash his fat check.

It was , as the cliche goes, a game of two halves plus, of course, one leg-cramping, lung-busting overtime, not to mention the sphincter-tightening shootout. With Ronaldo dancing past Essien with arrogant ease on the flank and then outleaping him to power in a header, United were at their swashbuckling best for the first forty five minutes and should have been up 3-0. Instead they were tied 1-1 after Chelsea took advantage of a lucky deflection and a slip by Van Der Saar for Lampard to score what ESPN's Tommy Smyth astutely summed up as "a very important goal."

Chelsea began to impose their physical style in the second half with Lampard, Ballack and Makelele owning the midfield and driving the Blues forward. Drogba, however, could not break free of Vidic or Ferdinand who velcro'ed themselves to the big Ivorian and grappled for every ball. The game was on a knife's edge of tipping over into outright mayhem as it lurched into extra-time and it was five minutes from penalties when Drogba finally revealed himself to be even more of a woman than Ronaldo. Squaring up to Vidic, he thought better of it and caressed the defender's cheek with an open hand. It was no more than a love tap and yet it was enough for the referee to send him off. Considering that this was probably the last we'll ever see of Drogba in a Chelsea shirt, you'd think he' d want to go out on a high note. At least Zidane head-butted that motherfucker Matterazzi to the turf.

But Drogba's blow won't even have wobbled the knees of David Archuleta.

Would Drogba have made a difference in penalty kicks? Possibly. He might have replaced Terry in the rotation and not let the trophy fall off his foot. But it did. And so today, I celebrate not ManU's victory but Chelsea's soul-crushing failure to buy their way to two championships in the space of a week.

As for that Octagon between Stalin and Hitler, the Gunners and I will be ready to kick the shit out of them both next year.

Mr. Hirshey will have a much more comprehensive and aritculate wrap-up of the Champions League, um...championship?...tomorow, but, for now, this photo will have to suffice.

This is what the Times Online said of the game prior to the shootout:

" It has been a cracking match with a wealth of wasted chances and plenty of needle to boot."

Indeed!

Penalties: Manchester United 6, Chelsea 5 [Times Online]

Reportedly, adult film starJenna moved her table right next to the Chelsea stars and wowed them with her raunchy dancing, as they continued to rack up their hefty bar bill, which ended up at an estimated £10,000 [$20,000]. Though, according to reports, Jenna's night ended early after she was thrown out for allegedly attempting to take drugs.

A member of her entourage said: "She just asked if one of her friends could go in with her in the toilets to touch up her make-up before facing the paparazzi. But the toilet attendant said no, and kicked off. The bouncers called us American pigs, which brought Jenna to tears."

How can a club called Chinawhite take exception to drug use? Fucking hypocrites.

If I wasn't adequately disturbed by the thought of a haggard porn star ruining my team's mojo, my friend Flubby had to go and push me over the edge. You see, I'm incapable of manipulating images, so he did the dirty work for me. Unfortunately Flubby had been swept up in Derby fever, and he was a bit too tipsy to understand my initial request. Click here for a terrifyingly NSFW first draft.

That's good nightmare fuel.

begrudging h/t to With Leather