Sad Mets fans and wounded Cubbie backers have been forwarding us emails this afternoon that they received from online price gouger StubHub today. The pitch? Playoff tickets to see the Mets and Cubs "chase baseball immortality." I have to admit, were either of these teams to find themselves in a playoff game in 2009 that would be pretty immortal.

Here's the message:

Where do you want to sit?

Hey Richard,

Be there alongside your New York Mets as they chase baseball immortality. Go to StubHub, where you'll find a fantastic selection of tickets to every playoff game – so you experience the championship chase live and in person. Check it out. Go to StubHub and get the seats you want today.

Insert "Chicago Cubs" for Mets and at least two other readers got the exact same email. This is what's known in targeted online marketing circles as "a dick move." It's not like ticket office printed up playoff vouchers only to see their teams cruelly shut out on the final day of the season. They were mathematically eliminated with weeks to go. Their terribleness was legendary. Yet, StubHub had to kick these loyal fans when they were down. It's almost as bad as what their teams did to them all summer.

Nice work, fellas. Just stick to selling me lower bowl Hannah Montana tickets for $12,000.

Update: Oh, and Nationals playoff tickets, too.

Hey Michael,

Be there alongside your Washington Nationals as they chase baseball immortality. Go to StubHub, where you'll find a fantastic selection of tickets to every playoff game – so you experience the championship chase live and in person. Check it out. Go to StubHub and get the seats you want today.

* * * * *

I think that's all for Monday. Join us tomorrow, when more adventures await. Maybe. Possibly. Honestly, I just hope my computer doesn't catch on fire when I try to log on in the morning. Our infrastructure's been a little temperamental today, so keep your voices down.

A Jeter-A-Rod home run tag team has the Angels thinking offseason travel plans. Dodgers-Phillies try again later, with Monday Night Football on the B-Side. Enjoy.

There are many, many theories as to what went wrong and from where we sit, they are all equally plausible. Here's are the leading contenders for the big albatross.

Barack Obama: President Hopenchange thought he could he swoop in at the last minute, give a fancy speech and bring the Games back to his "adopted" city. Well, guess what? No one likes adopted kids—or grandstanding prima donnas who want to punch the ball in at the goal line after someone else carried it the first 99 yards. Who do you think you are? Mike Alstott?

George W. Bush: Apparently when you spend the better part of a decade lighting all your bridges on fire, the rest of the globe sort of frowns on that.

Foreigners: Hey, how about a little gratitude for burning all those bridges for you! Eh, they would have just snuck into the country illegally and taken all those construction jobs anyway.

Richard Daley: The poster child for nepotistic cronyism should have been a natural leader in the nepotistic crony-filled backrooms of the International Olympic Committee. "Maybe the 'machine' isn't working," said Sisay Abebe, 51, of Rogers Park.

Rod Blagojevich: How can the world ever take Illinois seriously after they elected that hairdo to govern them?

Roving gangs of murderous thugs: Man, if only those teenagers hadn't hit that kid in the head with a railroad tie and then stomped him to death, all of the city's problems could have magically been erased. Rio has all the luck!

Michael Jordan: Some citizens believed that the professional hoops star who came from North Carolina and ran back there as soon as his career ended could have saved the bid if only he had spoken up. Of if he hadn't insulted Juan Antonio Samaranch in his Hall Of Fame speech!

The Cubs: Some supporters at today's rally carried around signs with a blue "W" on them—the Cubs "victory symbol." "When have those signs ever brought victory?" Andrew Cooper of Chicago asked. "We didn't need that stupid curse on our bid."

Public congratulations, private introspection [Chicago Breaking News]
[Photo of the Chicago fire via the Tribune]

Perhaps the most unlikely roadblock for Tribune Co.'s sale of the team comes in the form of Shawon Dunston, who sent a letter to a federal court objecting to the team being placed in bankruptcy. Seems they promised to pay his tuition if he ever attended college, which he hasn't and has no plans to.

It was a fairly standard contract clause for high school players in the '80s, and it's just Dunston getting some good financial advice and covering his bases.

It was just a formality," Dunston said. "When I signed the contract [in 1982], they said they'd pay for my college tuition if I ever went. It was part of my signing bonus, but I never used it. My adviser asked me about it, and told me to send a letter by the 16th [of September], so that's what I did. I have nothing against the Cubs."

It's OK, Shawon, college isn't for everybody. And at least you have something in common with most Cubs fans.

Ex-Chicago Cub Shawon Dunston Sends Handwritten Letter To Bankruptcy Court Seeking College Tuition Money [Chicago Tribune]

The story is a bit tough to follow but in summary, the woman in the above photo is a St. Louis bartender who, according to her, has been humpin' buddies with the former Cub/Diamondback for years when he's in town. She also claims that she defaced her back with a "Grace" tattoo to let any other partner she may have in the future who sees her from that particular vantage point that she is, in fact, permanent property of Mr. Grace.

Highly suspicious, yes, but HHR's correspondent went the extra country mile and tracked down Grace's agent, Barry Axelrod, who, miraculously, somewhat verified the story:

"Fellas: Just had a late lunch with Gracie and brought a print out of the narrative with me. I told him that he had been subject of an email chain and I was going to read it to him. As soon as I got to the part mentioning the (Bar name redacted), he just smiled and said "Oh, yeah. The tatoo" I didn't even get to the meat of it.

He asked me where this came from and I gave him the whole chain and all he wanted was for me to be sure to let you guys know that he does not recall asking her to marry him .. .. .. .. but upon further inquiry he admitted that he could have."

Mark Grace=Life Coach [HHR]

Mark Cuban was shut out in his futile efforts to buy the Chicago Cubs and now the team officially belongs to someone else. But Major League Baseball can't keep him out of the game forever! Cuban apparently used his massive wealth and valuable connections to score a seat with the Wrigley Field Bleacher Bums this weekend.

A Deadspin Operative reports:

Got these from my brother at the Cub's game today. Cuban rolled into the bleachers at wrigley with a couple dudes. Paid cash to have other fans get him chicago dog's and beers to get around the limits and the whole having to move thing. Apparently swears like a sailor. Awesome.

That's right, kiddo ... you are still an important big shot with lots of money. You'll show them. You'll show them all, won't you?

* * * * *

It's Monday. The End of August. And you said it would never happen.

Chicago Police confirmed to Deadspin that they're questioning the suspect, who called them earlier this afternoon and was picked up by detectives. They're currently questioning him, and won't be releasing his identity until they decide to press charges.

But there will be charges pressed, make no mistake. Especially after the Cubs and Shane Victorino filed an official complaint with the CPD today.

He is conforming well to our stereotypes thus far. He's a 21-year-old from the suburbs (Bartlett, Ill.) — but no word if he was wearing his stunna shades when he turned himself in.

By no means is this good old-fashioned witch hunt over. If you've got any info, you know where to send it.

Beer-Throwing Fan Turns Himself In, Police Report [Sun-Times]


UPDATE: Hello, Johnny Macchione, student at SIU Carbondale something called Loras College.

UPDATE: According to one patron at Haray Caray's, Macchione was in there after fleeing Wrigley, "running his mouth about it." And the fall guy? One of his buddies. Way to shift the blame to a friend, broseph.

UPDATE:

One tipster claims that the man seen in the above photo — his "friend" — is the culprit but he's not ready to snitch yet as he waits to see if he'll come forward on his own. Or, hey, it might not be him and it's just another sinewy Cubs fan with manicured facial hair. The longer this individual remains unidentified, the more aggravated the police will become. Not the dude.

If he's caught, he'll be charged with assault, after Phillies centerfielder Shane Victorino filed charges after last night's game.

However, always the feisty Hawaiian,Victorino would seem to prefer street justice for his assailant:

"He's probably at home thinking 'I got away with it,'" Victorino said."I hope he gets the understanding, hey, you can't do stuff like that. I mean, if it happened in the streets, I don't think you'd be walking too far (without a reprisal). It's just not something you do."

Yes, in Victorino's hometown of Wailuku, thoughtless beer-tossers are dragged by the hair to the top of a volcano and pelted with coconuts. But we have rules here, hondo!

If anyone else has information on the identification of this dastardly individual, please feel free to drop a line to the Deadspin I-team..

UPDATE: A 21-year-old man has reportedly turned himself in. Details to come later tonight.

Search Is On For Wrigley Beer-Tosser [Hardball/Trib]

Shane Victorino got a beer dumped on him during the fifth inning of a blowout loss, and Wrigley security clearly tossed the wrong guy - who was pointed out to them by the real douchebag. Deadspin posse, saddle up, we've got a man's life to ruin.


Shane Victorino Gets Unwelcome Shower From Fan At Wrigley [Sun-Times]

[Illustrated screengrab courtesy of reader Mike]

UPDATE: Beer-thrower escaped the ballpark without being fingered, but Chicago PD are asking anyone who has info to contact them. Start snitching!

Castillo, who is a Cubs prospect (of course) was found guilty of felonious assault for chucking a high hard one that was intended for an opponent's dugout, but ended up hitting a fan in the stands. The incident happened during a Peoria Chiefs-Dayton Dragons game that started with two managers shoving each other and ended with all-out war. (The video is still here, amazingly.) He was found not guilty of "assault with a deadly weapon" because I guess his velocity was a little off.

Sentencing will be August 3, and on September 1 he will be called up to hurl t-shirts into the Wrigley Field bleachers.

Pitcher guilty of felonious assault [Dayton Daily News]

The documentary will attempt to answer the question: "Can Steve Bartman ever forgive Chicago?" It'll be tough to get a satisfactory answer to that question, considering Bartman wants nothing to do with this project. The Cubs aren't much more supportive.

I don't know what difference it's going to make for the fans of Chicago, or for Bartman himself," [Aramis] Ramirez said of ESPN's plans to forge ahead with or without Bartman's cooperation. "To me, I don't see anything positive coming out of it for me as a player, or for us as players."

As of press time, 63.9% of respondents to a poll on the Tribune's website say nothing good can come of the documentary. The 36.1% minority is, perhaps not-so-coincidentally, about the same percentage of White Sox fans in Chicagoland.

ESPN Planning Bartman Documentary [Chicago Tribune]

The Jays wanted J.A. Happ, Kyle Drabek, and Dominic Brown. The Phillies were all, "no way!" And the Jays were all, "way!" And the Phillies were all, "Nuh-uh!" And the Jays were all "Aww." I'm pretty sure those are standard trade operating procedures.

Is It Possible To Will A Trade Rumor Out Of Existence? There's some kind of information going around the the Detroit Tigers want to trade for Milton Bradley. I'm guessing it's part of the Tigers' new philosophy: "Trade for Farnsworth twice, shame on us, Trade for Farnsworth three times, shame on humanity."

Holy crap, the Tigers do not need another outfielder. Unless, of course, he's secretly a fantastic setup man. And perhaps the rumor is just a load of fertilizer, as the Tribune says there've been no talks between the teams. Phew.

The Mets Are More Than Willing To Part With Victor Zambrano For Him. Scott Kazmir might go to the Angels, who are looking for some kind of starting pitcher. They might also try to lure in Cliff Lee or Roy Halladay.

Actually, everyone wants Roy Halladay. I want Roy Halladay on my baseball team, which I am starting right now. I'd like 25 All-Stars, public funding for a stadium, and some kind of cool logo, please.

There. Baseball news. We now return you to your regularly scheduled weekend hijinks involving references to Crystalis and Gauntlet.

Not only did he ghostwrite the MLB.com recap of his own article, but he got the win, hit a homer, and perhaps used some ancient warlock magic to cause Albert Pujols to bobble a ground ball. Ah, the Phoenician stumblus-wumblus incantation. My one weakness. How did you ... kn ... ow ... urrrgh...

In other baseball notes, Pedroia Smurf will not be playing in the All-Star game, as he will be visiting his wife, who's experiencing labor complications, and not the kind that cancelled the 1994 World Series. Carlos "False Tilde" Peña will be taking his place, putting exactly 81 first basemen in the All-Star game. I can't wait to live blog it. OR WILL I?

* * * * *

It's probably time I put down the pen. I've made a terrible mess that only the daytime crew can clean up. Much appreciated for you to have me today. Last one to leave, please feed the llama.

Yes, in the urge to celebrate a rare victory over the mighty Brewers on Sunday, Dempster attempted to scale the dugout railing at Wrigley Field and failed. The miniature fence sent him sprawling, twisting his right foot in unnatural ways and sending him to the Hall of Lame Injuries on the first ballot.

In a way, this photo beautifully illustrates the great cosmic farce that all Cub fans must play a role in. For a brief moment, the boy is entertained by the clumsy follies of his favorite team, but meanwhile a darker truth lies quietly beneath the surface. The subtle interplay of comedy and tragedy is what defines the Cub Nation's futile existence as they seek to find humor in their plight, lest the reality of their struggle reduce them to bitter tears.

In other words ... who's laughing now, you little punk?

Ryan Dempster could miss month with broken toe [Chicago Tribune]
Odd injury: Cubs' Dempster goes toe-to-toe with dugout, loses [Big League Stew]
[Photo: Nuccio DiNuzzo, Chicago Tribune]

Because the Tribune Company is ... how you say? ... bankrupt, no deal is final until a court says it is. The company reached a "handshake" deal with banker Tom Ricketts, but today it was revealed that a new private equity group has submitted their own offer, that is also to the liking of the current owners. The new offer is for a higher total price, but the Ricketts family's offer provides more money up front so that gives them a slight advantage. (Bankrupt companies need cash, after all.)

So now both bids will likely be submitted to the court and the judge will get to choose the Cubs' new owner. The loser gets custody of the Bleacher Bums.

Report: Tribune agrees to second offer for Chicago Cubs [ESPN]

The entire White Sox-Cubs series this weekend was ripe for wackiness since baseball's most dysfunctional "rivalry." When Lou Pinella wasn't screaming at his own players he was taking swipes at the South Siders, helpfully pointing out that attendance at U.S. Cellular Field takes a significant jump whenever the Cubbies take the bus downtown. Over 20,000 more fans showed up than when the Dodgers were visiting the previous weekend. Fortunately, the only man who can go toe-to-toe with Lou's crazy was ready with a response:

"Because our fans are not stupid like Cubs fans," Guillen said. "They know we're [expletive]."

Guillen said Cubs fans will watch any game at Wrigley Field because "Wrigley Field is just a bar."

Maybe Ozzie Guillen isn't crazy, because that is exactly true! But what do White Sox fans know about their team's state of being? Sure, "shit" is the obvious answer, but could it be something else? Clowns? Tax cheats? Cheese-lovers?

The one thing both managers agree on? Smoking dope ain't so bad.

Ozzie Guillen: 'Our fans are not stupid like Cubs fans' [Chicago Tribune]
Perfect time for Cubs to waive bye-bye to Carlos Zambrano [Phil Rogers]

Friday was an eventful day at Wrigley Field. First, Piniella admitted that he had smoked dope once and it hadn't "done a damn thing" for him. Speaking with the same reporters, Bradley lamented his solitude in the clubhouse. Then he flew out, threw his helmet and punched the Gatorade water cooler, prompting Piniella to bench him and stoking a heated exchange between the two in the clubhouse. Bradley left the field in street clothes, and — voila! — the Milton Bradley Meltdown of 2009 was off and running. Piniella's days of dope seemed, like, so 1960s.

But, you see, Bradley's not the one to blame here. It doesn't matter that he's a grown man making $30 million over the next three years just to play baseball, chase seagulls and, otherwise, keep his mouth shut. It's hard for him to do that when no one in the clubhouse will talk to him, so he has to lash out to get everyone's attention:

"This isn't me," Bradley told the Tribune before his confrontation with Piniella. "I've always excelled at playing baseball, and to come here and suck like I have, it's just not a good feeling. And there's really not one guy who I can sit and talk to. I've been on teams where I have guys I know, or somebody I can just vent to."

Derrek Lee has a locker next to Bradley and they speak frequently. So why not vent to Lee?

"We just don't have that bond," he replied. "'D-Lee' is cool. He's quiet. But things change. I had a good rapport with [fired hitting coach Gerald Perry]. I trusted Gerald and I could talk to him, and he's gone. I think I clicked with [ex-Cub outfielder Joey] Gathright, and he's gone. So you just kind of feel like you're on an island, and trying to stay afloat."

Bradley said the Cubs are a "good group of guys," but he hasn't formed any real relationships yet.

"The teammates, they're there and they say all the right things," he said. "But it's just [small talk]."

Lee said the Cubs players have no issues with Bradley.

"When we're in the clubhouse, everyone gets along with Milton," Lee said. "I don't think there's a guy in here who says he doesn't get along with Milton. Guys get frustrated. We see it all the time."

Carlos Zambrano was so concerned about Bradley he followed him into the clubhouse after the incident with Piniella to see if Bradley was OK. Zambrano declined to discuss Bradley, though Alfonso Soriano pulled no punches.

Ha! Wordplay!

Actually, the real culprit is Piniella himself. If only he visited California pharmacies more often, he would preside over a mellower clubhouse. The water cooler, at least, would be grateful.

Is Piniella's tough love the way to handle Bradley? [ChiTrib]
Bradley uncomfortable with fit on Cubs [ChiTrib]
Bradley's outburst ignites Mount Lou [ESPN]