* * *

Fourth Quarter

11:28 — For some reason, Manning kept throwing down to the final zeroes. I don't know if I've ever seen such a display of futile fourth-quarter passing from the Colts. I suppose we all need to see something like that once in our lives. Tonight was that time.

And so wraps up this ol' live blog. I'm pretty sure I'm doing tomorrow's Monday Night game. The 10 p.m. one, not the 7 p.m. one. (Can't make it to the first one, I'm 'fraid.) See you all then. Thank you for your sporadic support of Deadspin Live Blog, LLC.

11:26 — This is definitely a strange sight, the score. Maybe the Colts think it's still a preseason game. They even let Jared Lorenzen wear Manning's jersey. Kind of like a Make-A-Wish thing.

11:23 — We're inside the two minute warning. MORE RETRACTABLE ROOF SHOTS.

11:20 — John Madden stresses the importance of being physical. This puts a serious damper on the playbook I'm trying to sell to NFL teams, where being existential is of the utmost importance.

11:16 — I know he's been in the league for a while now, but Christ, Brian Urlacher's face is huge. If they ever remake Legends of the Hidden Temple, and Urlacher is retired from the NFL, he'd be a lock to play the role of Olmec.

11:15 — Welp, that one's pretty much over. The ball goes to Chicago, with 4:19 left. Please, for the rest of us, put in Rex Grossman. Or, better still, skip over him and put in the third string guy, whoever it is.

11:13 — Down by 16 and about five minutes left, Manning gets his legs slammed to the ground I'm pretty sure I know who wins this one.

11:10 — Half-listening, I heard John Madden say something something "bigger chunks."

11:07 — Again with Peyton Manning's fast-lipped audibles. Strange how the only product he hasn't endorsed yet is Micro Machines.

11:04 — Frank Caliendo doesn't have many more commercials to roll out his President Bush impression. I would like to see his Barack Obama impression. And, y'know, the subsequent condemnation by the NAACP.

11:02 — Chicago is just gonna take a huge lead, if that's all right with everyone. Jason McKie runs in for the score.

29 13

11:01 — Amazing. Al Michaels goes on and on about Orton's infamous Internet pictures, his wild streak, and how he's a new man. Madden builds off that by saying Orton's running game is really helping him. No way is John gonna get suckered into this salacious "Intery-Net" discussion.

10:54 — We've secretly switch the Colts' running back with Dominic Rhodes. Let's see if they notice. Nope, they still handed it off to him, and they didn't get the fourth down. YOU SON ... OF ... A ... BITCH!

10:52 — Joseph Addai comes off the field. He might be in need of new tendons. Volunteers, anyone?

10:50 — Great catch, Reggie Wayne! Oh, sure, it doesn't count, since you were out of bounds, but it was still a great catch! How about a candy bar? You're a swell player. [pats on head]

10:49 — The Coen brothers were signed on to direct Ocean's Sixteen, it seems.

Third Quarter

10:47 — Timeout, Colts. Now I have to get something out of the way here. Anytime I see Peyton Manning and Tom Moore talk, I feel like they're discussing when the next FFA meeting is.

10:44 — Listening to Manning audible, if his bursa sac acts up, or gets worse, or whatever a bursa sac does, he has a tremendous future as an auctioneer.

10:41 — Wow, John Madden absolutely trailed off on that thought. "The Colts HAVE TO GET MAD!" (John began very forceful.) Then it was all "they have to say to themselves ... football ... mumblemumble" He sounds like me when I fell asleep during that South Carolina-NC State live blog.

10:40 — Yes, indeedy, that was a fumble. You know what? The referee should be able to celebrate and do a dance in front of the coach if the officials got a call right the first time. It's only fair.

22 13

10:36 — Well, scheisst. Marvin Harrison gets the ball pawed¹ away and Lance Briggs returns the sucker for a touchdown. OR MAYBE NOT. (BUT PROBABLY YES.) They're reviewing it.

¹ — Yep, you absolutely saw what I did there.

10:35 — Okay, if the Sunday Night Football extra camera choices includes one with John Madden scribbling on it all the time, I would happily reverse my earlier sentiments and choose that camera.

10:33 — Orton with a case of the dropsies. Oh, sure, someone knocked it out of his hand, but that's not nearly as fun as saying he dropped it on his own accord. Punt that meat.

10:30 — Would you go for it on fourth down here, John? Well, no, first and foremost because it's actually a first down, but also but that doesn't mean we can't mark that square.

10:27 — Ah, dammit. I caught myself humming the Sunday Night Football theme. It's not nearly as macho as the MNF ditty.

10:25 — Greg Olsen plays for the Bears? I was wondering what happened to him. I hope catching passes from Kyle Orton isn't too much of a departure from catching them from Steve Avery.

10:23 — Remember when Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith coached together? We still have some photos of that we were going to show you during the Super Bowl a couple years ago, but we were afraid of oversaturation.

10:22 — Now that Peyton Manning finally threw a touchdown, they can break out one of his commercials from the bin. In this case, it was for Sony and Sears. I don't know if Manning has done the bi-endorsement yet, but he pulled it off well.

10:20 — Manning drops back, looks, pumps, and ... LUCAS OIL STADIUM! RETRACTABLE ROOF!

15 13

10:17 — You gotta hand it to Madden. At his age, he's still adamant about explaining the rules to us in as intricate a manner as possible. Imagine if any of us could understand him. He'd be a genius.

Suddenly the Colts are about to score.

10:14 — The gratuitous footage of a cheeseburger might be the closest thing we get to steak in this game. But I'm still holding out hope.

10:10 — Christ, is there no room in this world for a man and the sandwich he is trying to make? Devin Hester turned a touchback into a line of scrimmage on the 5-yard line.

Halftime Entertainment

I entrust most everyone has seen this by now, but if you haven't, now's your chance to sneak-watch it. For the Internet veterans, it never hurts to watch it again:

Second Quarter

9:54 — And .. field goal. Hey, despite the impressive offensive performance by Forte and the stifling defense, it still gives the first impression of horrible red zone offense and being relegated to five field goals. So I like it.

15 6

9:52 — The Colts are pumping in "Welcome To The Jungle" artificially through the speaker system. Axl Rose really isn't there in person.

9:51 — Just like before the two-minute warning, the Bears are completing forward passes. I thought that government mandated timeout would stop the momentum. I was wrong.

9:47 — Two minute warning. Two minutes until more footage of Lucas Oil Stadium's retractable roof.

9:46 — Kyle Orton completes an impressive forward pass. Something must be wrong with my TV. The Colts defender's jersey looks completely devoid of color, almost like a Bears uniform.

9:46 — The NBC candy corn graphic says it's 1st and 20 for the Bears.

9:42 — They're reviewing it. John Madden is fervent in his explanation. Using NBCEE IT technology, it appears that ... the video is much grainier than if not using zoom technology. And the replay confirms the ruling. Two points.

12 6

9:40 — Joseph Addai gets taken down in the end zone. While John Madden explains how much of the ball has to cross through and extend past the goal line, maybe it's easier just to call it a safety.

9:39 — Bursa sacked. Marcus Harrison takes him back to the 1½ hard line.

9:38 — Al and John make the assertion that Lucas Oil Stadium is far better than the RCA Dome. You mean the new one's better than the old one?

9:36 — Robbie Gould artificially pumps in a field goal, instead of letting he football naturally have itself kicked through the goalposts.

10 6

9:35 — Well well, look at Whiskey River scramble down the field. He doesn't get the first down, because he's Kyle Orton, but it's great to watch.

9:35 — Orton throws an interception, but Kelvin Hayden drops it. Don't worry, Kelvin. A Bears receiver would have done the same thing.

9:33 — THEY WERE PUMPING IN ARTIFICIAL CROWD NOISE. SQUARE ME.

9:32 — Dallas Clark is back on the sideline. Looks like his injury is healed after having it slathered with Lucas brand oil. Yes, Lucas Oil. The Cure-All Fossil Fuel.™

9:31 — And Colts' cornerback Kelvin Hayden's limbs are now damaged. Scrape him off the field, find someone else.

9:29 — All right, Kevin Jones. Time for you to run for a 50-yard touchdown, or else you are officially the third down back.

9:28 — So everyone gets GM's employee discount, according to that commercial. That makes sense. Considering they laid off everybody but eight people, nobody's using them.

9:26 — Madden during Forte's run: "One thing the Bears have been doing great is they've been blocking Bob Sanders." Forte then gets popped by Sanders dead in his tracks.

9:24 — So that's where the bursa sac is. Below the knee. I can't say I'm entirely comfortable with that being a sufficient enough explanation to make it square-worthy.

9:22 — Vinatieri wraps the field goal around the right post. On the right side. Er, the correct side. Let's move on.

7 6

9:22 — So that's why the Giants played on Thursday. So Archie Manning could watch both games in person.

9:20 — Reggie Wayne extends, dives ... doesn't catch the ball. But he didn't break his leg, so it's considered a positive offensive play.

9:17 — NFL Injuries activate! Form of: Dallas Clark! Shape of: Return unknown!

9:15 — Jimmy Kimmel, I don't really care about games I missed in the NFL last year. By the way, do you know if Sarah's doing anyt.... right, I understand.

9:13 — Finally, a run where Matt Forte looks like a rookie that makes Bears fans pine for the days of Cedric Benson. Puntin' time.

9:11 — I'm not a fan of how football players are appearing in commercials about fantasy football. It's like they're embracing the fact that normal humans get to control whether or not they are on a roster. Stay out of our fantasies, and we'll stop trying to bug you for autographs at Cheesecake Factory. Deal?

First Quarter

9:09 — If you really want Hester to have the ball in the open field and you don't trust his route running ability ... just go in punt formation on first down.

9:07 — John Madden is finding new and fun ways to love Matt Forte. "He has great feet." Not everyone has that kind of fetish, and even fewer will admit it in public.

9:05 — On a third down, pressure forces the ball out of the receiver's hands, which again is not a fumble. Nothing is a fumble if the Colts do it. Why can't they just admit that?

9:02 — Fumble/not a fumble/recovery/not a recovery? When it gets too confusing, just say the referee call was right the first time. Such a lazy way out, but it's the American way out. Play continues.

8:58 — Wonderful. Off the bingo table: An off-kilter Matt Forte-Walter Payton comparison. Al notes Forte had a better start to his career than Sweetness, but he'll be lucky to have a better end. Madden: "Or middle!" I actually haven't seen either of their stomachs for quite some time, so I'm inclined to disagree until other proof comes my way.

8:56 — Kyle Orton's passing game proves useful after all by not passing it at all. The handoff is to Matt Forte, who goes 54 yards for the touchdown.

7 3

8:53 — If you look closely, you can still see Michael Phelps's swim cap in Andrea Kremer's garter belt.

8:52 — Adam Vinatieri kicks a field goal, and leaves the field uninjured.

0 3

8:50 — A false start. A delay of game. The Colts are actually doing something brilliant. They're field testing every known deadball penalty to see if they're still part of this year's rules. If you see Dallas Clark punch Alex Brown in the scrotum, you'll know why.

8:45 — Online, I can pick my own camera angles for this game. Honestly? That was never something I put that much opinion into. Just show me where the ball went.

8:42 — Again with the circle. Again, I believe it was aimed at the center and not at Manning's coconut.

8:38 — And they're cheering Marvin Harrison because he's back from injury. Not because of that bar shooting thing. Not at all. Don't even mention that.

8:37 — Oh, that was almost a superfluous circling of Peyton Manning! They just got the three linemen in the picture instead. Although, yes, those were the only people really on camera. And I gotta say, NBC really splurged for the Madden Yellow Circle Smoother-Outer. I'm impressed.

8:35 — Budweiser: "So, uh, hey, we still got crates upon crates of this lime flavored beer. So, all that jazz we made up about it being a summertime flavor? Scratch that. Buy it always."

8:33 — Fun fact: The Sunday Night Is Football Night song was performed in Matt Forte. The new Bears running back makes his debut carry. It's very meh, which means it's like Cedric Benson never left.

8:32 — From now on I'm only buying Lucas brand oil. I'll figure out how to refine it myself. Can't be that hard.

8:29 — Hester receives a punt that was too long — yes, such things exist. But no touchdown. Only a measly "good field position" increase.

8:28 — The bursa sac seems fine. Manning so far leads the league in footsteps/second (327.8) but they're in a 4th down situation.

8:25 — As they talk about Manning's injury and the loss of Jeff Saturday, the Bears' Lance Briggs limps away from the field. Rollerball rules still in effect.

8:22 — Wonderful. Not only did we get a racing/Brickyard square marked down, but in 35 of John's syllables that were uttered, five of them formed actual words. And we're not even kicked off yet.

8:18 — John: Peyton Manning is going to be "a little rusty." I thought that position was taken:

8:16 — Intro song, which I think is the same as last year. Who's that guy in the blue jersey next to Peyton Manning? He looks just like him.

8:14 — Strikes me as kind of odd that, given Gonzaga University doesn't even have football, or did it die, that the NFL would be honoring it with its own black circles.

8:12 — Heynowwaitaminnit. They said Orton changed. I distinctly see a beard growing down to his neck.

Pre-Game Babble

Oh, before I forget, I found out this past weekend that they're re-releasing Dragon Quest IV on the Nintendo DS. What a golden time it is to be a Dragon Warrior nerd. Anyways ... sports.

What the country has on its hands is a Super Bowl XLsomethingorother rematch. Rex Grossman, instead of starting the game which inexplicably wins, is now on the bench because they were predictably losing. Noted Internet JPEG star Kyle Orton is now a changed man, which can only mean he's no longer fun. This might also mean the Bears have a chance. It's a creepy new world we live in.

Fantasy Impact

They say nobody cares about your fantasy team. Well, literally nobody cares about mine. I just signed up to some leagues just so I could pun the team name. I haven't seen who I have, checked injuries, and don't really plan on checking the rosters. It'll be interesting to see how well "Kilroy Waz-Zahir" fares against those who make 20 moves a week.

Also, TOM BRADY'S KNEE! WHAT NOW? HUG YOUR CHILDREN WHILE YOU HAVE A CHANCE!!

Did somebody say Bingo? I sure hope so, or else the next graphic will be rather awkwardly placed.

Note: The "artificial crowd noise" square is not for hearing the actual noise, but the discussion of it. Please adjust your bets accordingly.

Also, yes, there are two more years in this decade. 2009 and 2010. No year 0, the real new millennium, and all that other mathematical nit-picking that results in nobody ever getting laid after such a debate.

Today: The Chicago Bears. Your author is Tommy Craggs.

Tommy Craggs is an Illinoisan, Urbana-born, who now lives in New York and contributes to Slate and Play and other magazines.

So it appears that the Bears are indeed serious about starting this Kyle Orton fellow, who every year looks less like a quarterback and more like a guy who wandered out of a dinner theater production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. In any other city, he would've long since been laughed off the field and onto the Toronto Argonauts' two-deep. Not in Chicago. In Chicago, he is, in the words of poor Olin Kreutz (the center who's had more mediocrities on his ass than Lana Turner), "the guy."

I don't mean to pick on Orton. It's just that the state of Chicago quarterbacking — from Dave Krieg on through Cade McNown and Shane Matthews and Henry Burris and Craig Krenzel and Kyle Orton 1.0 and many, many others — offers what I think is a perfect fractal of the city's great native pathology: pessimism. This is no mere pessimism, either. This is not like Boston's, pre-2004, which in retrospect was just a lot of flakey stuff dished up by Doris Kearns Goodwin and Dan Shaughnessy whenever they had a book to sell. Nor is it that generic Midwestern sort of pessimism, whose primary exponent can be heard on NPR and which therefore doesn't count. And it is most definitely not Philadelphia-style pessimism, which is just the aggrieved reaction of a city that thinks it deserves better after all it's done for the country.

In Chicago, pessimism is a different beast entirely. It's the conviction that the fix is in, that fate is dealing from the bottom, that the formal structures of the world are inherently corrupt and that the stars are all aligned against you. And more than that, it's an eager acceptance of this sad lot, whether the subject is Aldermanic corruption, or the shuttering of the steel mills, or the guy throwing four picks against the Vikings. Chicago, wrote A.J. Liebling, "has the personality of a man brought up in the expectation of a legacy who has learned in middle age that it will never be his."

It wasn't always like this. Once, Chicago was the city of Jane Addams and Hull House and the World's Columbian Exposition and a Tribune that styled itself the "World's Greatest Newspaper," which begat the radio station WGN and eventually the TV station, on which one could spend a great deal of one's childhood, three hours south of the city, watching Leon Durham botch a slow roller to first.

But somewhere along the line, roughly 1930 if you believe Liebling, Chicago ran off its tracks. It became the city of that old windy misanthrope, Colonel McCormick, the Tribune publisher whose animating philosophy was that the world was going to the dogs. McCormick's pessimism extended beyond the pages of his newspaper. It was "a miasmic influence, discernible in the conviction of every Chicagoan that he is being done," wrote Liebling, who also saw it in Chicago women's fashion and even in the food (he had plenty of first-hand experience with the latter and I hope not too much with the former). This sort of cynicism went hand-in-hand with the old Chicago tendency to wildly exaggerate the mob influence thereabouts, turning it into a straw man for everything that was wrong with the city, though as often as not the true culprits could be found in boardrooms and City Hall (as Liebling noted in 1952 and as the Daley machine soon made plain). Later, the spirit of McCormick could be found in the vile Chicago open-housing protests, in which even the nuns went in for verbal abuse ("Whores!"), and maybe even in some of the sour fruits of Saul Alinsky (Save Our Neighborhoods/Save Our City, for example). In the 1980s, Wisconsin Steel shut down in a hail of torts, forever altering the fabric of the city. I'm too young to remember the closing in any detail, but the official version of the story seems to regard the event as an inevitability in the age of Reagan and de-industrialization — the fickle hand of bottom-dealing fate — rather than the deeply criminal act it really was.

Which brings us back, in a weird, roundabout way, to Kyle Orton, whose elevation once again to the starting lineup, despite his demonstrable incompetence, has been greeted with a great citywide meh. This is just the nature of things in Chicago. It was inevitable that Orton would be "the guy," just as it was inevitable the Bears would draft a left tackle with the sort of back problems one finds in men who spent a half-century in the Brookside coal mine. The second season after their Super Bowl run, the Bears have 5-11 written all over them. No need for outrage. It's just how it is. That's the Chicago way. The City of Shrugged Shoulders.

"I'm still the same guy," Orton said. "I'm still a fun guy and like to hang with my teammates. It's not like I'm trying to live in a hole or anything. But [I] certainly have to be careful and not put myself or my family in jeopardy."

Besides football and his family, Orton has another reason to play it a little safer in his latest stint as starting quarterback — his burgeoning left-leaning political aspirations.

Still, Orton enjoyed watching last week's Democratic National Convention, even though he missed Barack Obama accepting his party's presidential nomination because of the Bears' exhibition finale in Cleveland. And occasionally, Orton's social conscience screams too loudly for him to ignore it.

Orton emceed an Earth Day event at Lincoln Park Zoo that combined two of his passions: rock 'n' roll and global awareness. A few weeks earlier, Orton also served as a celebrity spokesman for a statewide initiative asking residents to turn off lights for one hour to raise awareness about climate change.

Given the candidates we have running for political office this year, is it that far-fetched to imagine a country one day led by the likes of Kyle Orton?

Kyle Orton Is A New Man [Chicago Tribune]

Also, Rex Grossman has won the starting quarterback job — for the first day of practice. There was a coin toss at a Wednesday morning quarterback meeting. Kyle Orton called it, but Grossman won it and will run with the first-team offense Wednesday.

The really surprising thing here is that the coin wasn't picked off.

Right now every Chicago Bears fan has a single, solitary tear rolling down his or her cheek. And no one blames you at all.

Williams agrees in principle, Grossman wins coin toss to start [Chicago Tribune]

I've never been to a celebrity roast for anyone but I like to think this happens every time. Paul Hornung takes the stage and welcomes the roastee to the rostrum, roastee is wasted, knocks over his own table when standing, and then crumbles to the ground when shoved by Hornung. See Mr. Bear's finest moment after the jump.

Supposedly this video is from March 2001 but it's never reached blogdome until now. Why not? Because each and every one of you has failed us. Remember when Ditka almost ran against Barack Obama for Senate? How close did this come to being the Congressional cloakroom every Friday?

The Bears still suck [Deuce of Davenport]

Austin police said Benson was driving a BMW through downtown Austin between 3 a.m. and 4 a.m. Saturday. They allege he ran a red light and he was pulled over near the intersection of 5th and Colorado streets, located in the heart of Austin's night life district, said police spokeswoman Veneza Aguinaga.

Authorities said an officer smelled alcohol on Benson's breath and then conducted a field sobriety test, which included having the driver perform a walk and turn test and to stand on one leg, she said.

Pfft. Like Benson doesn't fall down prematurely when he's sober, too.

If I were one of the many attorneys Ced had consulted with following last month's fiasco, staying away from the sauce would have been one of my first nuggets of counsel. The hell with it now. Once dude gets suspended and subsequently released, he can go on the bender to end all benders. I believe they call those Downeys. Hey, he's got some money to burn after Iron Man. You know it's coming.

The Chicago Sun-Times, getting a real kick out of itself with its "Baby mamas bear down on Briggs" headline, details just how much Briggs paternity madness is going on right now.

n court Wednesday, Briggs' ex-girlfriend Brittini Tribbett, 21, again pleaded for Briggs to provide adequate emotional and financial support for their baby girl, while another pregnant woman stood by, listening to talk of how she's set to deliver a Briggs baby.



Briggs, 27, wasn't in court. He is living in Arizona with yet another woman who recently gave birth to another daughter of Briggs, those involved in the case alleged.

Yep, Briggs is only 27; he has so much more time with which to plant seeds. Supposedly Briggs' lawyer is close to reaching a settlement. Sweet. Time to get back to work.

Baby Mamas Bear Down On Briggs [Chicago Sun-Times]

Former Packers safety Leroy Butler is saying supposedly retired QB Brett Favre not only wants to play but will end up getting traded away from Green Bay, which has prepared for life without Brett. Butler theorizes that Favre will likely end up with another NFC North team: Chicago, Minnesota, or Detroit.

Butler made the comments on WTMJ radio, then was immediately pummeled with brooms. Now I will never consider him officially retired until he gives a formal concession speech. And I take it back ... I'd almost like to see him come back just to see him in a Lions uniform. Favre and Millen, making the magic happen in '09!

Favre Still Wants To Return [MSNBC]

Hopefully, Williams can shake that Bears offense up a little. The team finished 30th in Adjusted Line Yards, meaning that Cedric Benson and Adrian Peterson had few holes to run through, not that they did much with the holes they had.

Williams should help. He has already graduated college. He is already married. The kid's so mature that he's going to have a midlife crisis at 28 and start writing rambling letters to the editor about the good old days by 33.

Williams gets high marks for character, intelligence, and all those other intangibles. But that doesn't mean he's a roly-poly nice guy who can't pick up his feet. He allowed just two sacks in two seasons at Vanderbilt, despite the fact that the Commodores moved him all over the line. He moves well, can deliver a blow when he has to, and played well against the top defensive ends in the SEC (like Derrick Harvey). The downside: some analysts think he lacks a football demeanor. In other words, he's too nice. Maybe Bill Romanowski should run a pre-draft Lunatic Camp for guys like Williams so they can foam at the mouth more convincingly during interviews.

But then, those analysts may be on to something. Vanderbilt line coach Robbie Caldwell said that Williams turned some heads in the business world during his recent internship. "He has job offers galore," Caldwell said. I can see Williams scratching his head now. "Starting tackle for the Bears, assistant regional sales manager at Staples, or editing ReadMe files for Apple software. Gosh, they are all good offers!"

Of course, he has to block for Rex Grossman, so maybe Staples does have its charms.

The Sex Cannon will be back for the Bears too, which means there's a possibility they'll be battling it out for the starting spot next year. No offense, Rex, but who beat the Packers last year? Who provides us with so much joy every year? Orton shouldn't just be the starting quarterback for the Bears, he should be the starting quarterback for EARTH.

Rumors And Rants has a great Orton shot compendium, by the way.

Party Time In Chicago [Rumors And Rants]

Seriously: That's how much trouble Illinois Republicans were having at that time.

GOP leaders decided to try and convince Mike Ditka to take their party's spot and run against then-state senator Obama. Besides being a popular Chicago figure, Ditka was a also a strong conservative, campaigning for George W. Bush during the 2000 presidential election.

However, Da Coach ultimately decided to stay out of the race, declaring, "I have a lot of commitments that I've made previous to this coming up, some obligations to my partners here at (his) restaurant. And therefore, it's something that I can't do at this time."

Honestly, can you imagine if there were YouTube clips of Obama debating Ditka? Hillary wouldn't need to make a single negative ad; it's hard to appear presidential when you're on a dais with Mike Ditka, poppin' Cialis and snappin' gum.

Ditka Could've Demolished Obama's Dreams In '04 [Sports By Brooks]

Everyone keeps forgetting this game had no playoff implications whatsoever, but oh well, Browns win! Joy! Joshua Cribbs took one to the house, Jamal Lewis rushed for 128 yards and Mr. Brady Quinn made his long-awaited NFL debut. All together now, "Let's Go Colts!" (What?) Browns 20, 49ers 7

Miami allowed 316 yards passing by Carson Palmer, gave up a touchdown on a fumble return and fell to 1-15 on the season. Welcome to Miami, Bill! Bengals 38, Dolphins 25

THREADJACK. The Houston Texans are no longer a losing football franchise. /THREADJACK. Andre Davis' two TD returns came on consecutive kickoffs, which made him the first player this season to accomplish the feat in the same game. Odds are he'll be the last, too. Texans 42, Jaguars 28

Excuse me while I Apple+C something Suss wrote last week: "It's that time of year again when the Eagles are out of the playoffs, Donovan McNabb plays well and people lay off the 'maybe someone else should quarterback mantra.'" There. That was easy. Eagles 17, Bills 9

Favre extended his consecutive starts streak to 253 games, threw three touchdowns, and then handed the ball to some guy named Craig. And he did it all in a pair of Wranglers. Packers 34, Lions 13

Goodbye, sweet Vinny. Panthers 31, Buccaneers 23

Redman — Redman! — set a career high with four touchdown passes as the Falcons rode three fourth-quarter touchdowns to "upset" the Hawks in ATL. Said Redman post-game: "Bigger they come, harder they fall / That goes for, knuckleheads, MC's, pussy walls and all" Falcons 44, Seahawks 41

Since the Bears put Orton back in the starting role, they're 1-1, and he has outplayed playoff quarterbacks Tavaris Jackson (maybe) and Brett Favre. Yesterday wasn't inherently pretty, but who cares? Orton probably should have had three touchdowns, on a ridiculously cold day. (Illinois is bone-chilling right now.)

The local paper here even ran a column endorsing Orton to take over the starting spot next season. No Griese, no Sex Cannon, no McNabb. Orton. Doubt the man at your own peril.

What's really impressive about the Bears win over Green Bay isn't that they pounded them by 28, but that they did so with only two offensive touchdowns and made it look like they had a nice clean set of five offensive touchdowns, or at least one score by Devin Hester. That didn't happen. They had two defensive returns, two field goals, and one of them new age fangled 2-point conversions on top of Orton's throw and Adrian Peterson's run. So they shoulda had something goofy like 29 points. Garrett Wolfe was the leading receiver. And they won by 28. Today makes no sense. Bears 35, Packers 7

(Speaking of no sense: the Bears won both games against the Packers. The Lions won both games against the Bears. Sure.)

When everything was said and done, Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw combined for 296 yards and three touchdowns on the ground. This gave Eli Manning ample time to glue rhinestones to his outgoing Christmas cards. Giants 38, Bills 21

If I had a nickel for every time I heard the phrase "We keep forgetting about the Colts this year." How can we keep forgetting about them if we keep bringing them up? That kind of logic doesn't make any... hey, how about those Colts? Don't forget about them. Colts 38, Texans 15

Welp, it was fun to contend for the AFC North while it lasted. Bengals 19, Browns 14

Oakland really made this game close once once time expired, Jacksonville went to the locker room to celebrate, and Dominic Rhodes kept running into the end zone saying "Touchdown!" every time he re-crossed the line. The touchdowns were nullified, however, because the Jaguars didn't have enough men on the field and Lane Kiffin kept accidentally accepting the penalties.Jaguars 49, Raiders 11

It's that time of year again when the Eagles are out of the playoffs, Donovan McNabb plays well and people lay off the "maybe someone else should quarterback mantra." But what we keep forgetting is that the Indianapolis Colts are good too. Only a year ago they won the Super Bowl. Eagles 38, Saints 23

Starting a winning streak in Week 16 does a team little good. Lions 25, Chiefs 20

<postjack>
Don't forget about the Indianapolis Colts. You know, they won the Super Bowl last year!
</postjack>

Possible captions:

• Don't tase me, bro

• If you've ever been too drunk to fish ... you may be a redneck

• See, if you'd stick to your 12-point maintinence program, eh, then we wouldn't have to jump-start you like this. Oh, no, you had to do it your way... you think you know everything, eh.

• Zero charisma

• KYLE ORTON'S DAD: I work my whole life, I don't apologize to take care of my family. And I refused to be a fool dancing on the strings held by all of those big shots. I don't apologize for that. That's my life. But I always thought that when it was your time that you would be the one to hold the strings. Senator Orton. Governor Orton. Something.
KYLE: Another pezzonovante.
KYLE ORTON'S DAD: Well, there wasn't enough time, Kyle. There just wasn't enough time.
KYLE: We'll get there, Pop. We'll get there.

How The Bears Finally Found Orton [The Sports Hernia]

The Vikings somehow beat the Bears last night in one of those games that resemble cute Pop Warner contests; everyone's running the wrong way and throwing it to ridiculous places, but somehow, some lovable scamp with his helmet on backwards and a jersey that hangs over his feet ends up stumbling into the endzone. You're happy for them, they won, that's great ... but seriously, when does the varsity come on the field.

Much salutations to our man Kyle Orton, however, who was his usual mildly efficient, mostly inoffensive self. He looked like the best quarterback on the field to us.

Thus officially ends any playoff chances the Buzzsaw had, by the way. Fortunately, they have two easy games in the last two weeks to drop them down the draft board next year. 8-8 would be nice, though. As for the Vikings ... anything that allows us to see Purple Jesus for a couple more weeks is fine with us.

Deadspin Hall of Fame Kyle Orton has the hopes of a needful nation in his hands; we have this wild dream of Orton throwing for 300 yards in each of the next three games and causing a full-blown QB controversy in Chicago this offseason. Donovan McNabb? Please! It's Neckbeard time.

Above is a rooting section all set to go in the Metrodome tonight, and we can only hope the MNF cameras catch them. It's all Orton, all the time. Let's get out there and show the support the man needs.

More after the jump, of course.

Technically, this is an elimination game for the NFC wild-card chase, but it's difficult to be too inspired by that; let's just go with the Storied Franchises label. It's the last hope for Redskins fans and Bears fans. Let's see how many names and football terms Bryant Gumbel gets wrong.

• We kind of love that Rex Grossman got so excited after the Bears' bizarre win over the Broncos yesterday. It was a vintage Bears game; Only one offensive touchdown, an inspiring 17-for-33 day for Grossman, Cedric Benson with 47 yards and ... oh, two Devin Hester touchdowns. (This has led to a new KSK character.) And after the game, Grossman was jumping around like he'd just pulled off the Flutie Heave. Do you think he went home and told everyone, "I won the game! I got the Bears back on track!" and everyone just has to smile and nod and try to look away without giggling? We'll say it one more time: Bring Back Orton.

• It's downright comforting to see the Giants collapsing in the second-half of the season. It's a rite of November passage. Like watching leaves turn, or Isiah Thomas saying everything's going to plan. We're pretty sure it happened because Peyton was there watching. We bet he enjoyed it more than he'll ever admit too.

• Don't know if anybody caught this post-Patriots win, but if you saw it, Andrea Kremer's postgame interview with Wes Welker was awfully amusing. In the middle of it, Welker said, "Coach is calling me over, and he's the one man I hold over you." And he left. Al Michaels then says: "Coming, Mommy." Sounds about right.

• We imagine Merrill Hoge just dancing around Bristol today, reminding everyone how right he was about Vince Young. On days Young plays well, we suspect Hoge calls in sick.

• Has any quarterback ever received more playing time for doing less than David Carr? Yesterday, he was benched for Matt Moore, whoever the hell that is.

• Browns fever, friends: The legend of Horse Balls continues.

• We are absolutely not ready to talk about that Buzzsaw game yet. Maybe later.

Jeff Fields and his colleagues at World Vision, an international Christian humanitarian aid group, will save the erroneously labeled clothing from the incinerators and, instead, send them to impoverished Ghanaians affected by recent flooding. It's an answer to a dilemma of a little-known corner of professional sports: what to do with all the unsalable paraphernalia of near-champs.

Since the mid-1990s, World Vision has worked with MLB to distribute counterfeit or mislabeled clothing to those in need rather than sending it to the big closet in the sky. It does the same with the National Football League (NFL). This year marks the first time that the MLB will contribute their postseason apparel to the group, not just fraudulently manufactured goods. Sporting-goods stores are also getting into the charity act. "It's great to have the partnership, great to not see these types of things being destroyed and being utilized for good rather than having to end up in a landfill or an incinerator," says Fields.

It's an extremely noble cause, worthy of all plaudits that come its way. But if you look real close, you can see this poor little tyke mouthing, "Grossman sucks."

All Those T-shirts Of Losing Teams? Off To Africa [Christian Science Monitor]

Yes, as any Broncos fan can tell you, Brian Griese is not savior. Only through the lens of Rex Grossman could Griese be considered any sort of legitimate starting quarterback; Denver brought in Jake Plummer to take over for him, and you might remember how that turned out.

We don't know why people are focusing on Griese so much. As you all know, only one man deserves the mantle of Chicago Bears starting quarterback:

The time has come, Coach Smith: Do the right thing.

Careful What You Wish For, Bears Fans [Signal To Noise]

• At this point, it seems obvious to everyone, presumably even Lovie Smith: Rex Grossman isn't going to cut it anymore. A normal person might have realized this after he, you know, fell apart in the Super Bowl — the Super Bowl! — but sometimes that sample size just ain't big enough. But now, at last, we know: It's Kyle Orton time, everybody.

• The general consensus heading into this season is that the Chargers would dominant the regular season schedule and then collapse in the playoffs. Norv Turner should be so lucky! To be fair, it's difficult for anyone to overcome the perpetual heroism of Brett Favre, and it's cute that Norv even tried.

• Imagine how much praise Donovan McNabb would be receiving this morning if he were white.

• We enjoyed Peter King being a voice of reason in a world of insanity on "Football Night In America" last evening, pointing out that Matt Leinart will remain the Buzzsaw quarterback despite Kurt Warner's "holy crap, that looks like Kurt Warner!" moments yesterday. It's nice to see Kurt back, actually. But no wife-in-the-crowd shots, alas.

• Some kudos, actually, to the Texans, most of whom limped off the field before finally succumbing to the Colts yesterday. We continue to have Texans fever, and if you don't stop scratching, it will never go away.

• We do find it amusing, actually, that Kurt Warner looked like he could still play yesterday, while Marc Bulger looked washed up. Football doesn't make any sense sometimes.

• The Patriots keep scoring 38 points every game. That should end next week: They play the Bengals, and should put up a ton more.

But hey: It's a division with Matt Millen, Brett Favre and whoever is left to pick at the bones of the Minnesota Vikings. What's not to like?

Some picks!

• AJ Daulerio: Bears, Lions, Vikings, Packers.
• Kissing Suzy Kolber: Vikings, Packers, Bears, Lions.
• Robert Weintraub, Slate: Bears, Packers, Lions, Vikings.
• Matt Pitzer, USA Today: Bears, Lions, Packers, Vikings.
• Aaron Schatz, Football Outsiders: Packers, Bears, Lions, Vikings.
• Sports Illustrated: Bears, Packers, Lions, Vikings.
• DEADSPIN: Bears, Packers, Lions, Vikings. OK, so not EVERYONE is picking the Bears, but we are. Actually, we think they're gonna make the Super Bowl again, lose again and end up being known as the Bills of the NFC.

As always, we know nothing.

The reader, who wishes to remain anonymous, took this picture and filed this report to us Monday afternoon. We held it until now because it wasn't confirmed Briggs was in the car.

So I totally drove alongside whoever crashed Briggs' car for a while last night at like 1030. I even took a photo of it, because I'd never actually seen one on the street, and dude kept blowing through stoplights at 100mph, only to have my slow ass pull up behind him at the next light every time, which was funny. This is at Roosevelt and State in Chicago's South Loop. You can just make out the unregistered Texas plates — sorry it's not better, stupid iPhone camera.

The Bears seem oddly complacent in their investigation of Briggs, whose rambling two-minute talk to reporters about the incident made little sense. We wonder if they'll be allowed to stay so casual about the whole matter.

Clearly, Briggs Not Very Clear [Chicago Tribune]

Anyway, it's currently wrapped around a light pole on the Edens Expressway. That happened about 3:30 a.m. CT today — about five-and-a-half hours ago — and the driver (who is not yet confirmed to have been Briggs) walked away and left his $350,000 car on the side of the road.

We imagine Briggs, still asleep, snoring, peaceful, dreaming of Jon Kitna ... and then he wakes up, shakes off the sleep, looks out the window and realizes ... hey ... where's the car? And, uh ... why is my face on TV? And who are these 11 women?

Briggs' Lamborghini Crashes On Edens [CBS2 Chicago]

Your author is Mike Bruno, a news editor for Entertainment Weekly's Web site and a former reporter for The Black Table. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

Rex Grossman does not suck. It's unfortunate, really. I wish he did suck. Then Lovie Smith and the rest of the organization would have no choice but to replace him with someone who does not suck (or sucks less).

But sadly, Rex Grossman doesn't suck, per se. He's certainly capable of great sucktitude, as he proved during his late-season collapse last year, capped by a zero passer rating against the rival Green Bay Packers (one of the weakest teams in the league) and a subpar 73.2 postseason rating. But then there was the 339-yard, 2 TD, 104.3 rating day against Tampa, and the 289-yard, 4 TD, 148 rating game against Detroit. In short, Grossman clearly has the goods, but struggles just a wee bit with consistency. The analysts say it's mental. You don't have to get paid Michael Irvin's salary to figure that one out.

I really do wish it was just a matter of his sucking. Even if the Bears didn't have a better option at quarterback (and contrary to the growing chorus toward the end of last season, I'm not sure Brian Griese is a better option), if everyone would just recognize that Grossman simply sucks, they could readjust the whole game plan. Don't ever set up plays way downfield. Make sure he throws at least one outlet pass in the flat every series of downs, no matter how open he thinks Bernard Berrian may be deep in the end zone. Simply use battering ram runner Cedric Benson to soften up the line, and then have Grossman throw short, efficient hook passes to rookie tight end Greg Olsen (who along with Berrian's development gives plenty of reason to be excited about a passing game, especially if DB-turned-wideout Devin Hester learns to catch) and hope to put up enough points each game to top whatever measly point total the defense allows.

The Bears wouldn't score 35-40 points as often as they did last season, but they also wouldn't blow games like they did against Green Bay when Grossman went 2-12 for 33 yards with 3 INTs because, ya know, it was New Year's Eve, man! Conceding that Grossman just sucks and employing a simple, grind-em-out passing game would also keep the defense off the field more often, which in the games the Bears struggled in, was a major issue.

But it ain't gonna happen, because Grossman doesn't suck. We've seen him toss multiple 30-plus-yard TD bombs, and - especially for a Bears fan - not even a pair of single digit passer rating games can wipe that image from your head. Bears fans are so hungry for a real-deal, exciting, air-em-out quarterback, a mere hint of talent and they are blinded fromeven the most egregious displays of suckiness.

The Bears have always lived and died by their defense. The legendary 1985 team, for instance, may have had the most charismatic quarterback in Jim McMahon, but he was not the reason the Bears won the Super Bow. It was Mike Singletary, Richard Dent and Gary Fencik who made it possible. Hell, backup QB Steve Fuller stepped in and helped put up 80 points in wins against Atlanta and Dallas that year (as forever immortalized by his Super Bowl Shuffle line, "So bring on Atlanta! Bring on Dallas! This is for Mike and Papa Bear Halas!") After enduring dung heaps like Kordell Stewart, Rick Mirer, Cade McNown and Kyle Orton, then waiting three years just to see Grossman finally healthy enough to take snaps for a whole season, Grossman's early performances last year were enough to get fans Super Bowl Shufflin' all over again, despite a defense that while very good was nowhere near as dominant as the '85 squad.

Throw in a weak schedule in a weak division in the weaker conference, and you've got yourself a Super Bowl-bound team - albeit one that never had a chance in hell at winning the whole thing, no matter how badly you may have wanted to believe they could.

As we head into this season, in addition to having Grossman problems, there are also serious questions surrounding the defense, which will again have to be top-notch if the Bears have a shot at repeating as NFC champs. First, there's the one-year contract for newly re-signed and clearly disgruntled Lance Briggs and whether he will be as effective as he needs to be alongside the still-rather-studly Brian Urlacher. Also, will safety Mike Brown and defensive lineman Tommie Harris return to form coming off of season-ending injuries last year? Will a younger, less experienced replacement for perennial dumbshit Tank Johnson be able to help the defensive line put that Monsters of the Midway-type pressure on opposing quarterbacks.

If the defense does put it all together, it will again be quite awesome. Last season, the Bears gave up a stingy 15.9 points per game, third best in the NFL. But as injuries mounted and Grossman's suckosity increased, they gave up an average of 26.3 points per game in their last four games, though they managed to eke out wins in three of them anyway.

And perhaps that's the bottom line. With Grossman at the helm, the Bears only lost four times last season, including the Super Bowl. It's hard to give a player as inconsistent as Grossman too much credit for that success, but it's also unfair to completely ignore the fact that he started in all 13 regular season wins as well as a pair of postseason victories.

The Bears again have a weak schedule, weak division and play in the weaker conference (which seems to be a Chicago trend that also allowed the Eastern Conference Bulls to make a playoff run and gives the Cubs a realistic shot at taking the MLB-worst NL Central). Even with questions surrounding the defense and whether Benson can handle the RB load all by himself now that Thomas Jones is gone, no one would be too shocked if the Bears again beat New Orleans in an NFC Championship game to decide who gets to lose to San Diego or New England in the Super Bowl.

The football Gods love a good soap opera, and now that Peyton Manning finally won his ring, Grossman coming back and proving he's the real deal by taking the Bears to the promised land is definitely one of the better storylines this season. Then again, I'm just a deluded Bears fan who refuses to admit that Rex Grossman sucks.

Hardly. One More Dying Quail points out that according to Arizona law, drivers can receive a lesser charge of DUI if they are "impaired to the slightest degree." It's called a Basic DUI, and police can charge you with it if you even look drunk, regardless of what your blood alcohol count turns out to be.

Just Tank Johnson's luck, you know? He ends up not drunk driving, and he's busted in a state in which you don't have to be drunk to be drunk driving. Pro athletes, man, they just can't catch a break.

All Right, Exactly How Guilty Is Tank? [One More Dying Quail]

"One day I want to be the face of the league for guys who have come through adversity and ultimately become the Man of the Year in the NFL," Johnson said in May following his release from jail. "That would be a tremendous ending to this story. That's something I'm striving for. I would love to do that."

A world in which Tank Johnson is NFL Man Of The Year ... that's a world we want to live in. By the way, Sweet Home Sports points out that Bears legend Walter Payton once had a gun incident of his own.

Tank To Get 8 Games, 6 With Good Behavior [The Bear Cave]

Because, so far, no one has yet to bid on Brian Urlacher's jock strap.

This auction is for an Authentic Used Brian Urlacher Athletic Supporter. The item is in used condition and has a tear in back strap from use. The item was obtained by myself as a locker room attendee. My duties included handling the teams gear, this item was discarded and replaced, and was worn during the first half of Super bowl XLI.

Tear in back strap from use. Of course. We're not quite sure why this would cost 25 bucks to ship, but hey, what do we know? We suspect Michael Flatley's costs less.

Brian Urlacher Athletic Supporter - Chicago Bears [eBay]

He had some clear skills in the land of lyrical flow.

"(Whats your name?) G-Reg. (What you do?) Get head. (How you do it?) Drop my drawers, let her see my third leg. Chillin' on the 7th floor, I gotta let these chickens know Big Greg is in the house, and I'm gonna to make these hoes choke. On my balls, on my dick then I bust a nut quick. On her face, on her chest, stick my dick between her breasts. Come on fellas, let's get weird. Stick your dick up in her ear. While I'm laughin at these guys, a second nut all in her eyes. (Wait a minute...in her eyes?) In her eyes."

We've always loved the Seventh Floor Crew — "Multiply that bitch up and you get my dick size!" — and are pleased one member is taking his skillz to the land of the Super Bowl Shuffle.

(What's your name?) Will Dawg! (What you do?) Clock hos! Or something!

Greg Olsen Is A Great Rapper [Tremendous Upside Potential]
The Chick-Fil-A Bowl Shuffle [Deadspin]
Seventh Floor Crew [MySpace]

Well, you should drink water as long as you're not employed by the NFL.

Bears LB Brian Urlacher has hit the fine board for a cool $100 Gs, and it's apparently all over a goddamned drink and a cap. Urlacher was fined for drinking vitaminwater and wearing a vitaminwater hat during the media session in Miami leading to the title game. Gatorade is the NFL's official drink.

We're not going to get too indignant about this, considering Urlacher was surely promoting his own product and knew exactly what he was doing. But 100 grand? You know that rookie orientation seminar the NFL has ever year? We always thought it existed to help guide players through the potential minefield of off-field issues in the NFL. We now know it's just to make sure they know which products are acceptable. Wait ... which is the official erectile dysfunction pill of the NFL again? We want to make sure we have this right.

NFL Will Tell You What To Wear, And When [Signal To Noise]

"That's just about the best thing you could have told me," Hester said with a huge smile, when informed of his new Speed rating. "It's an honor — I don't know what to say, really."

Yep: A professional football player taking the most joy from his imaginary rating in an imaginary video game. We absolutely love sports sometimes.

Perfect Score [Chicks Dig The Long Ball]

"They cleared the way for him," said Ford, 26, of Chicago. "There wasn't no smiling—he was just walking through."

Johnson didn't say a word even as inmates called out to him, Ford said.

"People was hollering his name, saying, 'Tank why don't you bond us out. Why didn't you win the Super Bowl?,'" Ford said.

Cyrus Jones, 25, of Chicago, said he was among those placed into the security area when Johnson was led through. He said when someone criticized the Bears, Johnson briefly turned around.

"He was mostly looking at the other fans who said, 'We love you Tank,'" said Jones, who is charged with domestic battery.

I understand, Tank. If I was in prison, I'd pay way more attention to the guys who said they loved me, as opposed to the guys who asked for bond money. There's a time and a place where it's good to be loved by the general public... and that place is not Cell Block D.

'Tank' in jail spotlight [Chicago Tribune]

During the sentencing, Bears coach Lovie Smith and linebacker Brian Urlacher served as "character witnesses" for Johnson. We particularly enjoyed Urlacher's attempts to help.

In the week before the Super Bowl in Miami, they went fishing together, Urlacher said. "I don't think he's a criminal. I think he's a good guy," Urlacher said. "My little daughter calls him 'Uncle Tank.'"

OK, we call bullshit. Not only do we doubt that Urlacher's daughter has ever hung around with Tank Johnson — let alone know him well enough to have a nickname for him — but, uh, fishing? In Miami the week before the Super Bowl? Right. Was Tank even allowed to leave his hotel room?

Anyway, two months for a full armory in his house, an arsenal that was being guarded by a drug dealer (who was subsequently shot a few days later)? Not bad.

Bears' Star Johnson Thrown In the Tank [Chicago Sun-Times]
Armory's Getting Locked Up For A Few Months [The Noise Ratio]