The Pacers and Nuggets are playing a couple of exhibition games in Taipei and Beijing, in a desperate attempt to sell a Yao-less NBA to the Chinese. On an off day, the Pacers traveled to the Great Wall where Danny Granger defaced one of the world's treasures. His inspiring message, sure to endure the centuries like the wall has?

"Pacers Wuz Here!!!!!"

But that's okay, it looks like he still has some female admirers. Unfortunately for him the wall has proved capable of keeping out groupies as well as Mongols.

•••••

Good Sunday morning. Today is when men, and not boys, play football.

I'm sure some, in their organic community gardening, self-esteem overflowing hearts, actually do expect Michael Phelps to once again take a break from getting stoned to ply the old Rosetta Stone in the service of conversational Portuguesa. (Oh, to hear what Magellan might think about that!)

But the jaundiced-eyed realists among us know the real victor in this struggle was declared long before Obama's $50 million effort was so devastatingly "O-botched-a": the 2008 Olympics. Barring the return of Christ the Savior Himself never again in our lifetimes do I expect to watch an Olympics as paradigm-bustingly spectacular as last year's meticulously well-planned games in Peking.

The 2008 Games marked the official, definitive emergence of China as the world's superpower. In a year the American economy back home was gasping its final breaths before succumbing to the lethal tug of a sordid legacy of affirmative action mortgages promulgated by Barney Frank and Freddie Mac, China would be the only major country whose GDP actually grew.

In a year a majority of American voters finally capitulated to the siren song of socialism, China reached out and took a firm and decisive grasp on the Baton of Market Capitalist Freedom. The rest of this great race, readers, is China's to run.

It all goes back to numbers. Numbers form the architecture of the capital markets and by extension, freedom. But Americans are number wimps, spoiled by decades of pork barrel grade inflation, "recentered" standardized test scores and the wrongheaded notion that free markets can also be a place of "minimum" wages, mortgage "renegotiations" and 800 SAT points just for signing your name.

The Chinese people, by contrast, hold an innate reverence for numbers. When the International Olympics Committee blessed China with their unprecedented economic development opportunity in 2008, the whole nation rallied around the number eight, declaring it sacred and putting the wheels in motion for per capita GDP to surpass $8,000 that very year!

And while Americans were whining and moaning about unfair treatment from the judges sabotaging their precious athletes, they utterly missed the real lesson: the nation that aces its math tests is the nation that captures the global economy is the nation that decides who receives the highest score in freestyle gymnastics. Were we too preoccupied with "sports" to comprehend this basic truth?

Because we were certainly seemed too busy with another thing: words. Contrary to what the Plagiarist In Chief might have you believe, they really are "just words" and further, if they're coming from the mouths of liberals "words" is probably just a nicer word for "whining."

The Chinese understand this. I've been reading a new and fascinating book called The Snakehead on how the enterprising people of Fuchow, China outsmarted international immigration and transportation authorities to effectively colonize downtown New York City. These were the lower classes of China, hardy folks with third and fourth grade educations — and yet they formed mind-bogglingly elaborate supply chain operations, opened Chinese restaurants in every last end of the earth (one of their first targets: our great helmsman's native Mombasa) and bribed authorities in at least three dozen different countries. All without ever learning any other languages but their own; the numbers, as the saying goes, did all the talking.

As it happens I have met some of these hardworking Chinese in my current neighborhood in downtown New York City. They're impossible to miss: they own most of the restaurants, the laundromats and the real estate brokerages. And I could not escape the thought that some elementary language skills might come in handy from a revenue perspective in the case that an English speaker, say, loses her laundry receipt and the bag cannot be located, or finds herself on a Chinatown bus headed to Cleveland when she thought she was specifying "Washington."

But that is such a short-term view. In due time, we'll all be fluent in the native tongue of the laundromat and the Chinatown bus — no doubt because we'll be working for them. That's just freedom at work, readers, and the best we can hope is to better prepare the next generation for the calculus Olympics.

Maureen Tkacik is a senior fellow at the Institute for Pragmatic Prosperity the author of (Home)School of Bach: The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Home Headmistresses. A graduate of the Corpus Christi Christian College for Women in St. Louis, she lives in New York City and votes in her native Columbus.

Contrary to the legends made popular by Yao Ming and the CIA, the Chinese are not a race of seven-foot tall supermen. Some of them are quite short and they like to play basketball against others who are their own size. Unfortunately, Huizhou Qiaoxing of the Dream League signed Chinese Basketball Association slam dunk champion Hu Guang, who was listed in the CBA as 1.95 meters. (The league limit is 1.88m. The metric system will enslave us!) Hu refused to be measured, so his first opponent refused to take the floor and had to forfeit the game. The league finally did measure him and he passed, but some accused him of bending his neck to mask his true height. I didn't realize "standing up straight" could be so controversial.

Qiaoxing's next game went on as planned, but fans became so disruptive that it was called at halftime. So naturally the other fans started a riot.

By the way, all this happened because the league admitted that they had "limited ability and technique in measuring." So we're supposed to be worried about a world-dominating superpower that apparently doesn't own a tape measure?

"Too tall" player sparks fan violence [Yahoo/AP]

This video, sent over by the boys at PSAMP, is pretty much the greatest year-end sports tribute I've seen since Frank DeFord's book of haikus about Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. Who is this man? Where did he come from? Why is he offering a toast to the 2008 NFL regular season? Why does the YouTube channel it comes from also contain videos of Chinese school girls insulting Jamal Lewis? (There is a story behind it, actually, but knowing only takes the joy out of it.)

And he has nice things to say about everyone! (Except T.O. and Petyon, of course.) I wonder if there's anyway we could get him to do a video reading of this week's Jamboroo, because then my entire 2009 would be all set.

China Toasts the 2008 NFL Season [PSAMP]

The competitors—who are actual Chinese farmers—face off in challenges like water carrying, heavy seed bag throwing, and the always popular "60-metre rice-transplanting race." The event serves the dual purpose of promoting the nation's agricultural pride while also keeping the dirty serfs happy and docile.

The games are meant to teach peasants about sport, partly to keep them content and on the farm, said Kang Wenbing, 18, who competed in the men's grain collection race.

"If farming life remains all drudgery, of course people will keep leaving the land. There are 900 million peasants in China. They need the release of sport," said Kang, of Fujian province, still huffing after his heat.

Of course, none of the people it's meant to reach can afford to attend these glorious feats of strength ... and that's just fine with the government since they don't want them there anyway.

Quanzhou's 32,000-seat stadium was virtually empty on Tuesday and no food or drink were provided at venues.

"There aren't enough people coming for that," said a stadium official. "Besides, these are peasants. They would litter the food everywhere."

You stay classy, China.

China's Sixth Peasant Olympics: Pictures Worth a Whole Mess of Words Dept. [Time]
China's farmers cultivate sport at 'peasant olympics' [AFP/Google]

"I am the famous Wang Hao! I am the world champion! Does it matter if I beat you?" shouted the 24-year-old, according to a witness quoted by the papers.

This replaces my previous favorite quote from that part of the world: "Join me or die. Can you do any less? For lucky best wash, use Mr. Sparkle."

Pacman Jones, you can only stand in awe of this man's greatness.

Wang will reportedly get counselling from China's national table tennis team, and I'd pay money to sit on on those sessions. But the sad thing is that the incident has rattled Hao to the point where he lost a regular league match over the weekend — a rarity. He will also face punishment from his army-affiliated club Bayi, according to the Shanghai News. That's a lot of flak for peeing on the side of a building. But hey, it's China.

China's Wang To Get Help After Karaoke Club Fight [Guardian.uk]

Spanish news site, Soitu's article suggests that the international media are making too big of a deal of the "slit-eye" photo. Their article commences: "What began as a simple graceful photo to wish luck to the Spanish basketball team in the Olympic Games has finished with accusations of racism and discrimination in the foreign press."

Yes, of course, a simple, graceful photo.

The fact that this photo exists isn't a huge surprise. Basketball players aren't renowned for their worldly perspective. What's unique about this photograph is that it ran in two of Spain's biggest newspapers. As an advertisement for a courier service, no less. And not one single person in Spain thought it was the least bit offensive. Only when other countries saw the photograph did it become an issue. Put it this way, what would have happened in America if the U.S. Basketball team posed for these photos on behalf of Fed Ex? Yeah, thought so. The Spanish press doesn't think these photos are a big deal, but the rest of the world disagrees.

¿Te parece ofensiva esta foto? [Soitu]
Spain basketball team add victory to insult against China [The Guardian]

Some International Olympic Committee officials cut a deal to let China block sensitive Web sites despite promises of unrestricted access, a senior IOC official admitted on Wednesday. China had committed to providing media with the same freedom to report on the Games as they enjoyed at previous Olympics, but journalists have this week complained of finding access to sites deemed sensitive to its communist leadership blocked.

Attempts at the main press center to access the Web site of Amnesty International, which released a report on Monday slamming China for failing to honor its Olympic human rights pledges, continued to prove fruitless by mid-week.

Other sites that aren't coming in:

• World Chess Boxing Organization

• Richard Simmons.com

• Masturbate-a-thon

• Martha Stewart Living

• 38 Pitches

IOC Admits Internet Censorship Deal With China [NBCSports]
Olympic Censorship Is Awesome [Awful Announcing]

The report originated in Hong Kong's South China Morning Post and is, evidently, not a joke. I'm not an expert on the SCMP but it's evidently a reputable newspaper in Hong Kong. We've linked to the blog post discussing Miller's article because you have to subscribe to the newspaper to read some of their online articles. Including this one. Perhaps some of our overseas commenters can provide more information on the newspaper. Per Tom Miller of the SCMP:

Bar owners near the Workers' Stadium in central Beijing say they have been forced by Public Security Bureau officials to sign pledges agreeing not to let black people enter their premises.
"Uniformed Public Security Bureau officers came into the bar recently and told me not to serve black people or Mongolians," said the co-owner of a western-style bar, who asked not to be named.

Several blogs have already picked up the story and are running with it. Denials, I'm sure, will be shortly forthcoming from Chinese Olympic officials and as of now this story is the lone evidence and accompanied by anonymous sources that have been criticized here. But, even still.

Ahh, China, you bastion of cultural freedom and equality you. May all your women be impregnanted by black and Mongolian men. Where are Genghis Khan and Shawn Kemp when you need them?

Report: Beijing bars told to ban black people during Olympics [Shanghaist]
Chinese multiculturalism=Epic fail [The Sporting Blog]
China set to host 1936 Olympic games [With Leather]

Umm, really? Update on SCMP story [Beijing Boyce]

Mao says: "Power comes from the back of a loaded Segway."

Chinese elite anti-terror police officers are wheeling into action ahead of next month's Beijing Olympics on two-wheeled scooters. Members of the country's armed police unit practised on the Segway models that have been re-named 'Anti-Terror Assault Vehicles' in the eastern province of Shandong.

In one drill, police posing as terrorists held ten badminton audience members hostage, 'shooting dead' four 'hijackers', capturing two and defusing a mock car bomb.

Note to badminton terrorists: Just give up now. China has all the bases covered.

And just in case, the team also have a secret weapon.

Wheel Scary: Chinese Anti-Terror Police Practise Killing Drills On Scooters [Daily Mail]
More Photos [Xinhuanet]

It is to the credit of Chinese authorities that they do not throw this woman off the wall. Though that might just be because of the language barrier.

Soon, that wall will be full of Rays fans, and we will know that the Chinese takeover of Amerika is about to commence.

Red Sox Nation Reaches China... Painfully [Red Sox Monster]

Most toilets in China are still of the squat rather than sit-down variety, as spectators and competitors at recent test events in otherwise state of the art venues like the "Water Cube" aquatics centre discovered. "In my personal point of view, there are cultural differences between Chinese and Western people. Chinese are more used to squat toilets," said Yao Hui, a senior official responsible for the management of Olympic venues. "Toilet alteration projects at the Bird's Nest (National Stadium), the Water Cube and National Indoor Stadium are ongoing and if technical conditions permit, all the toilets in these stadiums will be changed."

Meanwhile, in Japan, toilet technology is light years ahead of that in China. The Boston Red Sox and Oakland Athletics came home from their two-game series in Tokyo raving about the toilets. They practically could talk of nothing else. Said Oakland's Emil Brown:

"The toilets are the best. Do we have those? I mean, they're, like, way ahead of us as far as putting stuff out there."

Best feature, according to Brown: The heated seats.

But when he says that Japan's toilet technology is ahead of ours, I have to laugh (photo below from Dave Barry's blog).

A's Turn Up The Heat On Red Sox [Yahoo Sports]
No More Squatting In Water Cube Toilets, Beijing Says [Guardian UK]

It's not clear whether this is ginseng, or acupuncture, or just a bunch of people whacking him with sticks, but we can understand why the Rockets might be somewhat concerned. When we think of non-Western medicine — not that China is some tiny, struggling country, mind you — we always think of the end of Man In The Moon, when Andy Kaufman is being "treated" for his cancer.

Of course, it's not like our medicine is so hot either. Heck, even Airborne's full of crap now. But if Yao gets fibromyalgia, man, we've got him covered over here.

Oh, Yeah, This Sounds Like A Great Idea [The Howeva Files]

The Chinese are pulling out all the stops to ensure that the impending Summer Olympics are free of one of those embarrassing international incidents that countries tend to try to avoid. Chief on their list, evening before reducing that pesky pollution problem that will probably kill all the athletes, is preventing a terrorist attack during the games. And good news: China does barter with terrorists.

But why cut deals when the military police is capable of handling threats in any condition? Shanghaiist provides video of recruits hugging up on each other during training in freezing conditions while singing patriotic chants and slogans. If that's not enough, they're also rubbing snow into their chests to give those push-up sets that added oomph. All this should assist in the summer games greatly.

We don't know what's wrong with the current cheers.

"Zhongguo, Zhongguo — ha, ha, ha. Zhongguo, Zhongguo bi sheng. Jia you, jia you." Rough translation: "China, China — ha, ha, ha. China, China must win. Let's go, let's go."

This is just like Oakland Raiders fans, except they have maces. Oh, and guns.

I Command You To Cheer For China [100 Percent Injury Rate]

In other words: Don't let your fat ass become a distraction to the athletes.

For women hoping to become hostesses at next year's Olympic Games medal ceremonies, here come the criteria: no tattoos, no big bottoms, and cut down on the earrings.

Tattoos and earrings tend to look sleazy, while big bottoms could stick out too much, state media reported yesterday, quoting officials selecting candidates for medal ceremonies and other protocol activities.

We think this is a somewhat reasonable, if somewhat uncouth, request for a government to make of their hostesses, but because it's China, we shudder to think of the ways they might enforce this. The good news? None of their hostesses will now be harassed by Jason Kidd.

China Says No Fat Chicks [100 Percent Injury Rate]

But it's bad news for the Patriots' Pro Shop, which has been trying to hawk Chinese Patriots memorabilia for a few months now. Of all the products available — hats, shirts, stickers, Jabar Gaffney Reche Caldwell fake eyeballs — our favorite is this special Chinese Patriots cheerleader calendar, which proves that, if nothing else, football is not the only contact sport that can travel internationally with little trouble in translation.

Official ProShop Of The New England Patriots [Patriots.com]
NFL Cancels China Plans [SI.com]