But Chipper's a compassionate conservative, so instead of firing his shotgun into the air or unleashing coyotes on them, he just gathers them all up in the back of his truck, gives them some food and water and immediately calls the border patrol to properly dispose of them. What else is he supposed to do?

People say that it's mean to call the border patrol, but who else are you gonna call? I mean, I'm not gonna spend my whole offseason driving illegals back…"

Chipper Jones on 790 Atlanta [SRI]

Just don't tell my rabbi.

Chipper treats hogs like they were Mets pitchers

And I mean everything. Don't believe me? let's go through the ways. He's hitting for power, hitting for average, hitting lefties, hitting righties, hitting to all fields, hitting fastballs, hitting breaking balls, hitting sideways and slantways and longways and backways and frontways and squareways and any other ways you can think of, including hitting Pat Benatar with his best shot. He's doing it all. But can he hit his own eyesocket on a batting practice foul tip that ricochets off the tippy-top of the batting cage?

The answer, you might have guessed by now, is "probably not." But rounding up (truncating is for communists and unintelligent Initech layoffs), that's exactly what happened Friday before the Atlanta Braves game against the Angels of Los Anaheimos. Said hitting coach Terry Pendleton, "It squared him up for sure." Told ya he can hit it squareways.

Chipper's batting average coming into his optic mishap was a crisp .414. This injury could hurt his chances to hit .400 ... or if the injury's really bad, then technically it helped the cause.

In other Braves injury news:

• John Smoltz just had shoulder surgery, perhaps of the season-ending genre. No word if he'll come back as a middle reliever in an attempt to become the first 200-win 150-save 100-hold pitcher in history.

• Tom Glavine left Thursday's game with a sore elbow, and he didn't even bang it into the desk like the rest of us.

• Jair Jurrjens, off to a great start this year, sprained his ankle walking down the dugout steps. He was clearly preoccupied, wishing he was back in Detroit (make it happen, Schuerholz).

• Mark Kotsay threw out his back when he finally, finally got a Scrabble hand where he was able to spell out his own name.

• Mike Hampton (Killed in Vietnam by his own troops)

Chipper Hit In Face Taking Batting Practice [MLB.com]
Next For Braves: Swarm Of Locusts? [AJC Braves Blog]

"Honestly it's a shame that I've got to go out and hit .400 for two months to make an All-Star team," Jones told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "It's kind of depressing to me because I've had — to me — what I think are some pretty good first halves, what I think is a pretty good career, and I haven't made an All-Star team since '01. ... But I'll take it. Got to make a splash to get people's attention? Got to make a splash."

Mr. Jones is used to being the second choice. The franchise wanted to draft Todd Van Poppel in the worst way in the 1990 amateur draft, but Van Poppel refused to play in Atlanta, so went with Jones as Plan B. All they got in return was an infielder who trails only Mickey Mantle and Eddie Murray on the all-time switch hitters career home run list. Van Poppel of course went on to become part owner of the Denton Outlaws, where my strong suspicion is that he inhabits this costume.

It's nice to see someone chase a hallowed milestone non-chemically, although Jones has a long way to go. The player to take .400 the farthest since Ted Williams did it was George Brett, who was at .400 on Sept. 19, 1980. Sports Illustrated has a rundown of serious assaults on .400 here, and Dugout Central examines the subject via Williams' book, The Science of Hitting, here.

On Thursday, Mark Teixeira had a homer and four RBI and Jorge Campillo, who was playing for the Culiacan Tomato Growers in 2004 (where he still plays Winter League ball), earned the win and got his first major league hit, a single.

• Record Heat. Randy (No Lawn Trespassing) Johnson fanned nine to tie Roger Clemens for second place on the all-time strikeout list, but what's more amazing is that the Giants swept the three-game series from the Diamondbacks. Randy Winn’s homer in the ninth provided a 4-3 victory. Johnson passed Clemens last year, as you may recall, but got injured, with Clemens then retaking second place.

• The Cult Of Jesse Litsch. Jesse Litsch won his fifth straight decision and extended his scoreless streak to 16 innings, and Rod Barajas had three doubles and three RBI to lead the Jays of Blue over the Athletics, 12-0.

• Simply The Best. Yes, these are the home fans of the best team in baseball. Nice going, God! Alfonso Soriano had a two-run single as the Cubs won their fourth straight, 8-4 over the Rockies, to put their record at 33-21, best in the majors.

• X Games. Jason Bay and Xavier Nady homered to lead the Pirates to a 7-2 win over the Reds, ending Cincinnati's home winning streak at nine games.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Game. Kazuo Matsui, Houston Astros. From the land of Hello Kitty comes the second-base stylings of Kazuo Matsui, who makes this dive-and-twist to throw out the fleet Cesar Izturis of the Cardinals. Wizard Cat gives this play: Three wands.

So it's Friday, time for the Best of Wizard Cat's Mailbag!

• Dear Wizard Cat: I hope you know that your dabbling in the dark arts will only lead to eternity in cat hell. Repent now! — Joaquin Andujar and the Funky Bunch

• Dear Wizard Cat, I was recently friended by that friending whore josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris's sack-dance for you. Do they make an ointment for that? — RachelRayIsTheDevil

• Wizard Cat, Can you please zap LaTroy Hawkins into some sort of small amphibian? Maybe, then, Joe Girardi will stop putting him into games. ...Maybe. — Pennington Noodlearm

• Wizard Cat, I'm not one to go questioning your methodology, but since Willie Randolph still has a job, shouldn't he automatically be named Wizard Cat Defensive Player of the Day? This is after all defensing the indefensible. Thanks, Jews For Purple Jesus

• Wizard Cat, As evidenced in the photo below, last night my puppy overtook DUAN and killed Nightmare Ant. Are you willing to co-rule the kingdom with him? — pr0FF3ss0r_j3rkwh3at

Contact Wizard Cat at Wizardcat@live.com

That seems awfully unlikely too. The only current major league hitting .400 is Chipper Jones, and you can't like his odds to keep that going.

He'd like to get exactly 502 PAs, which is the minimum required to qualify for the batting title. If he did that, his odds would be 1 in 225. As those PAs go up, it gets very unlikely, very quickly. Weighting the 618 PA scenario as 40%, and the other three as 10%, 30%, and 20%, respectively, we come to odds of 1 in 546.

If he keeps this up (unlikely), some enterprising gambling site will probably offer odds on whether he'll hit .400. I'll be interested to see what they are, although I'm sure they'll be absolutely terrible. If they were listed now, I think they'd probably be along the lines of 50:1, maybe even 25:1.

To be fair, Chipper is already 3-for-3 today.

Baseball is entering a stage now when records will fall at a far slower rate than they used to. We find this a relief. The fewer records that are broken now, the fewer moralizing nostalgic, "there will NEVER BE ANOTHER MICKEY MANTLE" warblings we'll have to read. We're ready for a break from records and milestones for a while, thanks.

What Are The Odds? Chipper's Quest For .400 [Vegas Watch]

Anyway, he's speaking up about steroids in baseball, not just about Barry Bonds ... but about Alex Rodriguez.

The Atlanta Braves star said Wednesday that A-Rod probably will face suspicions about steroid use - just as new home run king Barry Bonds has - because Jose Canseco recently hinted he has salacious information to disclose about Rodriguez.

"I don't doubt it," Jones said. "There's been a lot of validation to some of the things that Jose Canseco has said over the years. At first when it came out a lot of people didn't want to give him a lot of credit for it. But a lot of it has been proven true. Now, when he opens his mouth, people listen. And unfortunately, this cloud is following probably two of the best players of this century."

We continue to find it amazing that we live in a world where Jose Canseco is a wise sage soothsayer from half-ass comments he tossed off on a radio show. But when Chipper talks, we listen!

Chatter Continues About A-Rod [Steroid Nation]

More important, the Braves are only three games behind the Mets in the NL East, setting up that potential Atlanta-Milwaukee NLCS that we've all been waiting for. Try and sit out that one, Hammerin' Hank!

• Beckett Brings The Nasty ... Or is it the cheese? We forget, but Josh Beckett did win his 12th of the season on Thursday as the Red Sox smashed the Devil Ray's faces in with a board, 15-4. Coco Crisp update: Grand slam in the first. And Mike Lowell had five hits. It was Tampa Bay's 11th straight loss, as if that wasn't already marked on a calendar on your refrigerator door.

• The Extra C Is For Craptacular. Come on C.C. Sabathia, what's up with this? SeeSee gave up three homers (Gary Sheffield, Carlos Guillen and Placido Polanco) as Detroit and Justin Verlander beat Cleveland 12-3. This takes some of the potential luster off of the All-Star Game, if such a thing is possible.

• Then Came Bronson. Bronson Arroyo homered and Barry Bonds didn't, the Reds beating the Giants 6-3.

Honestly, the entire AP article reads like it was written about an argument between junior high school girls. If you crossed out Jones and Smoltz and replaced it with "Marsha" and "Tiffany" it would make a lot more sense.

"Let's just say there are people who don't believe me [about my injury]," Jones said. "Let's just say that and leave it at that."

After Friday night's 5-0 loss to the Tigers, Smoltz said, "You can't worry about who's in the lineup and who isn't. You can't worry about that stuff anymore."

Added Smoltz: "I certainly appreciate the effort of the guys who are on the field busting it."

Smoltz didn't identify Jones as a player not in the lineup, but Jones said after Saturday's game that he got the message.

"I'd be stupid if I didn't take it the same way," Jones said, adding he planned to "play the rest of the games this year and do whatever I can. Somebody I know better not miss a start."

It goes on and on, and is so girly. I'd respect them so much more if Smoltz just said, "Chipper Jones is acting like a big pussy," and Jones replied with, "Old Man Smoltz can blow me."

Jones says he felt pressured by Smoltz to return to Braves' lineup [ESPN]

Anyway, as if the U.S. didn't have enough advantages, Baseball America points out that Team USA has had decidedly better access to scouting reports on other nations.

We find this curious — we think it's probably better for the long-term health of the WBC if someone other than the United States wins — but not all that surprising. What is interesting is wondering what scouting reports other countries have on the U.S. team. Our guess:

Chipper Jones: Spends all his spare time at Hooters.
Roger Clemens: Don't worry; he'll end up switching teams halfway through the Classic anyway.
Alex Rodriguez: Has tendency to cry.

Of course, they'd be in Spanish, but you get the idea.

Classic Controversy [Baseball America]