1. Because I have to live in this fucking town. I've lived in the greater DC area for nearly five years now. I live here due a mutual decision with my spouse that really wasn't all that mutual. Regardless, believe me when I tell you that Washington fucking BLOWS. Three quarters of the District of Columbia is a Third World shithole. There are sections of Southeast where you will drive and notice that the streets like things like stoplights, and WALK signals, and other basic necessities of urban infrastructure are glaringly absent, as if city planners just said, "Fuck it. We don't need stop signs for THOSE people." The one decent part of the city, Northwest, is populated exclusively with douchebag lawyers, or douchebags who work on Capitol Hill. All of them wear Madras shorts with blazers in the summer, and all of them deserve to taste your fucking fury. Read this article, and I swear you'll never want to come within three hundred miles of this area.

The one fashionable area of town, Adams Morgan, is like New York's East Village if it were two blocks long, populated with high schoolers, and designed by the Disney Corporation. There is NOWHERE to fucking park in this town, anywhere. If you want to go to a restaurant in DC, you better be prepared to look for a spot for 45 fucking minutes. Thirty minutes into looking for a spot, you will tell your wife, "Fuck this, let's order pizza." Then she'll get mad at you for getting mad about trying to find a spot. Then you'll say to her, "Well, YOU FUCKING LOOK FOR THE SPOT THEN, TOOTS." Then she'll switch seats with you and luck into a spot five minutes later, all part of God's plan to make you look like a prick.

DC is also home to The Beltway, Tyson's Corner, and Rockville Pike. That's three of the most agonizing places to drive in the United States, all clustered in one big shit brownie. That doesn't even include driving in downtown DC, where every major thoroughfare is blocked by a rotary, road work, or small square park every 1,000 yards. The bagels in this town are dogshit.

And it's fucking humid here. They built this goddamn town on a swamp, which is exactly what springs up in your ass for five months out of the year. September here is August. Bugs are everywhere. Real estate prices are out of hand. Joe Theismann pops up on radio ads here from time to time. This town is ASS. It's lameness made tangible.

However, the Vietnamese food in Falls Church is quite good. So there's that.

2. Because I have to live around these fucking fans. Redskins fans are nothing if not passionate. But that passion comes with a side helping of obnoxiousness so brutal that you'll wish you had giant hands the size of Dave Grohl's in the "Everlong" video, so that you can choke them all. Peep the DTC if you don't believe me. As I've said before, the Redskins fanbase consists of a million little Dan Snyders, all of whom think the team is constantly on the cusp of returning to gloree (We signed Heensworth, Cooch!), treating every win like some kind of historic fucking milestone, and treating every loss as an opportunity to call into talk radio stations to give the team a pep talk it will never fucking hear. Gloria fucking Swanson doesn't live in the past as much as these people do.

3. Because I went to that fucking stadium once. Hey, you! Like white trash who are piss drunk and can't handle their mud? Like having seats in the stadium crawlspace? Like having your view obstructed by gigantic overhangs? Like walking thirty miles to get to your car? I've got the stadium for you. Given the prices they charge, every seat FedEx Field should have a giant plastic dildo sticking out of it.

4. Because I fucking hate Dock Walker.

5. Because if it weren't for Sunday Ticket, I'd have to watch them. And this season, that would be tantamount to slow death. The Skins could be a 10-win team this year, but that doesn't mean they're going to be any fun to watch. Get ready for a whole lot of 9-6 ballgames, DC. Because you deserve a team as thoroughly dull and uninteresting as your shit town. Die.

Pass-catching dongs, to be specific. Lots of crossing pattern dongs.

There was Visante Shiancoe, who was confident enough to ask a female reporter "How'd it look?"

There was Chris Cooley's inexplicable decision to post a picture of his Lil' Cooley on his Web site.

And, of course, Santonio Holmes, who, after his Photo Of Fun was released, never did anything else with his life, ever ever ever nope.

Quite a collection.

But is it it enough to get them in the Hall of Fame? Seventy five percent is the threshold for induction. Vote below: Polls will be open through the weekend.

In an interview with Extra Mustard's Jimmy Traina, Cooley relives the incident and the wacky policiy the NFL enforced after it happened:

Cooley: But the NFL made me undergo a psychiatric evaluation. They treated it really seriously. Please. It was an accident. If I wanted to post a picture of my penis I wouldn't have been all hunched over.

SI.com: What was the result of the psychiatric evaluation?

Cooley: I don't even know, dude. I had to do a call with some lady. I thought it was gonna take two minutes, but it was like an hour. It was horrible.

Remarkably, somewhere the NFL has a transcript of the hour-long conversation between a female psychiatrist and Cooley discussing why he posted his penis on-line. What were they looking to find out? If he's prone to exposing himself? My guess is that Cooley was subjected to this type of probing evaluation all because of Charles Haley.

Chris Cooley unplugged and unfiltered [SI.com]

Since Jay Cutler is doing everything in his power outside of banging Pat Bowlen's wife in the middle of Invesco Field to show his displeasure with the current Broncos' regime, plenty of trade rumors have sprouted. Cutler to Detroit. Cutler to Minnesota. Cutler to Chicago. Cutler for McNabb. Then there was the scenario which had the Broncos shipping Cutler and tight end Tony Scheffler to the Skins for Cooley and quarterback Jason Campbell. Another three-way scenario had Cooley heading to Cleveland and the Broncos getting Brady Quinn. That one, more than anything, had Cooley a little annoyed:

Trade talk is a weird wake up at 6:30. Obviously something was said between teams to cause this internet trading shit storm. I would be pissed if I got my ass shipped to Cleveland. But seriously, when the internet is the first news I hear about something this big I would hope it to be speculation. Really, it could have been a couple owners bullshitting and joking around about guys and someone leaked it. No big deal. I would be blown away to hear anything more. It is nice to read extreme skins posts about not wanting me to go. Thanks!

By the way, I do get to hang out with John Elway a little bit this weekend at the Dulles Sports Expo in Chantilly VA. I'm gonna bring a ball and ask him to smoke one for me.

As of now, Redskins fans can breathe a sigh of relief that their popular tight end isn't going anywhere. Maybe instead they should have some concern about his planned ball-smoking activities with John Elway. That sounds like an injury waiting to happen.

Trade? [Cooley's Blog] (via Fan Nation)

I remind again that voting is open until Sunday night. A look at the bracket to this point. (Thanks, Johnny Excretory Malfunction Jim Cooke.)

Voting will remain open through next week ... so let's go. It's No. 4 seed Chris Cooley vs. No. 12 seed Erin Andrews. A look at the nominees' 2008 resumes:

No. 4 Chris Cooley
Married a cheerleader.
Displayed some playbook penis.
Deputized brother for Daulerio public relations call.

No. 12 Erin Andrews
Attacked by Bruce Pearl.
Angered Mike Nadal.
Showed up everywhere.

Vote, you beautiful rapscallions.

Voting will remain open until the end of the first round ... nice and easy. No. 5 seed Dana Jacobson vs. No. 12 Erin Andrews. A look at the nominees' 2008 resumes:

No. 5 Dana Jacobson
Angers Charlie Weis.
Suspended.
Photographed.
Protested.

No. 12 Erin Andrews
Attacked by Bruce Pearl.
Angered Mike Nadal.
Showed up everywhere.

Vote! It only takes one hand!

Voting will remain open until the end of the first round ... nice and easy. No. 4 seed Chris Cooley vs. No. 13 Caitlin Davis. A look at the nominees' 2008 resumes:

No. 4 Chris Cooley
Married a cheerleader.
Displayed some playbook penis.
Deputized brother for Daulerio public relations call.

No. 13 Caitlin Davis
Drew penises and swastikas.
Fired
Told her story to TMZ.
Gonna have somebody beat Daulerio's ass.

Vote! It's all one can ask.

Nancy Cooley makes a point of commending how great of a person her son is how he's never smoked or used drugs (he does like the occasional Yuengling or rum drink, though) and was part of the National Honor Society in high school. She seems legitimately in awe of her own good fortune for having such a successful, down-to-earth, and genuinely decent human being as a son. Still, she can't hide her disappointment after last weekend's unfortunate unveiling:

"It's never a good day when you hear there's a picture of your son's penis on the Internet"

As a high school teacher in Norfolk, Nancy Cooley also had to confront the situation first hand with some of her students once Chris's peen hit the mainstream.:

"I saw your son's blog on the Internet," a couple of students told Miss C.

"We're not going to talk about that," Nancy said. "It was an accident and I'm sorry. And that's it."

Poor lady.

Cooley Knows Best: Cooley Was Simply Guilty Of An Innocent Mistake [WaPo]

From Chriscooley47.com:

“All apologies from the website. ... We did not want to offend anyone,” Cooley said in a posting Monday afternoon after the photo was removed. “The picture wouldn’t have been up for so long, but we were in the middle of winning a big game. Once again, this was a complete accident, and we regret not reviewing the post more closely.”

Not sure I'm buying that, but thanks, Chris!

Elsewhere in the world of shameful regret:

• Sorry for the Hispanic drycleaning remark. Eveyone knows my drycleaner is Korean. — Kornheiser

• Sorry I haven't fired Kiffin yet. Couldn't get my coffin open last night. — Al Davis

• Sorry for using your head as a volleyball outside of that bar. — Kim Willoughby

• Sorry for flooding the sports arena with pilsner. I of course should have went with pale lager. — German kid

Redskins TE Chris Cooley Apologizes For Revealing Photo [Yahoo News]

Yesterday when KOGOD posted about Redskins' tight end Chris Cooley's unfortunate shlong-reveal it wasn't expected to elicit as much of a reaction as it did. Chris Cooley, who's very open on his personal blog and whom maintains a very high profile in sports blog circles, may have (we thought) posted his flaccid member and hairy peach basket on purpose. We now know it wasn't intentional. Tanner, Chris's younger brother and surrogate for all of Chris' off-field activities was "very stressed" after his big brother's penis popped up on his personal blog yesterday morning. We did show the full picture on our site for a while, but the decision was made to use Playing The Field's Redskin photoshop because, well, we afforded the same discretion to Santonio Holmes' anaconda when it popped up on some dating site. And, honestly, does it really do us any good to show unencumbered athlete wang on the site? (Don't answer that.) It happened, it's hilarious, and if you do want to see Cooley's sleeping turtle PTF has watermarked it for posterity.

Tanner is now in prime spin mode, making the rounds, doing his best to explain why on earth his brother chose to blog naked in the first place. (Why? Because apparently Chris was "getting ready for the game.") And, hey, the Redskins won and he snared five catches. Maybe it should be a pre-game ritual for the rest of the season.

How Chris Cooley's Privates Hit The Internet [Sports Bog]

I honestly have no idea whether or not he might have done this on purpose, but considering his quirky personality and prankster ways it wouldn't be entirely unsurprising. I guess we'll know for sure if he's quick to yank it...uh...so yeah, please continue sending us your tips...uhhh....

UPDATE: Yeah, so apparently that was just one unfortunate accident, one of the many hazards of nude blogging. The Cooley's have responded by removing the post from their blog, and according to text message from Chris's brother Tanner to our own Balls AJ, he wasn't happy to see his brother's cock meandering its way around the internet. But hey, nobody wants to see their brother's cock anywhere.

Seeing as how the photograph was in fact an accident, and not Chris Cooley's homage to Charles Hayley, we've replaced it with the above photoshopped image courtesy of our friends at Playing the Field.

For now, at least.

Stay tuned tomorrow for updates as this story of accidental nudity develops. Perhaps in the end we'll learn that they were in fact the balls of one Tobias Fünke.

There's an exception for fantasy football posts when actual NFL players are involved, right? Crickets. Anyway, Fred Smoot steals the draft show. But is that really any surprise? Also of note, Colt Brennan going with LenDale White in what appears to be the first round of the draft. Decision making remains Colt's strong suit.

Here's a passage that every man headed to the altar should probably publish somewhere before the big day to earn some major lifetime leverage in the relationship:

While I can't wait to put the ring on I've had some resoundingly bad conversations over the last couple of months. Golf may have an uncountable list of ethics, though bothering a complete stranger about getting married is not one of them. First of all, I'm excited for the big day, so please don't feel sorry for me because marriage sucks for you. No, I'm not nervous, I don't want any marriage advice, and yes Christy's mom is still hot.

You bastard.

And greetings. It's gonna be a fun day. Pull your monitors up nice and close, grab an icy beverage, and let's rock the body that rocks the party as we kickstart this weekend of bloody hamburgers, flaccid hot dogs, and randomly hooking up with some spray-tanned vixen at the OD in Sea Isle City.

Hit me up with your tips and things or send me random photos of Hatfield hams at ajd@deadspin.com

The Cooley Zone: My Redskins cheerleader-turned-Redskins wife [Shutdown Corner]

The boy is Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley. The cheerleader — one of them, the important one — is former Redskins cheerleader Christy Oglevee. They're going to get married next May, despite a rendezvous two years ago with Cooley, Oglevee, and another Redskins cheerleader t hat resulted in the cheerleaders violating a policy of "fraternizing with players" (they use the unsexiest phrases, these corporate policies) and ultimately losing their jobs. The article does a poor job of delving into this get-together at Cooley's house, or how Cooley stopped dating one cheerleader and began dating the next. Perhaps a Seinfeldian "switch" was executed to perfection. Thankfully, love persevered — it really doesn't say how, so I'm just gonna safely assume "mind-blowing sex" — and now the happy, pretty people are an item.

If you think the bride-to-be's family doesn't approve of Cooley's wild lifestyle, you should ask Mr. Oglevee, who, for his daughter's 21st birthday party, partied with Cooley by each doing 21 shots of Jim Beam. I'm guessing whoever finished last had to wear the tight shorts.

Captain Chaos Finds His First Mate [Washington Post]

Brandon Lloyd (I think that's who it is) appears to be impressed with the look. I can't tell if that look on his face says, "Man, you are crazy," or "I sho' wouldn't mind hittin' that from the back."

Chris Cooley Continues to Wear Hot Pants [Mister Irrelevant]
EXTREMESKINS.com - Day 1 Mini-Camp Photos [EXTREMESKINS.com]

I've always wondered if NFL players had fantasy teams, and if so, how seriously they took them. Cooley was serious enough about it to be in four leagues last year, but not quite serious enough to drop a touchdown pass in the endzone to keep his season alive. He's cutting it back to two leagues this year.

And if you're looking to find out how confident Cooley is in his own fantasy performance this year, the following quote is less-than-inspiring. "I'm not going to sacrifice a good team just to have myself on it," he said.

Beating Yourself Takes New Meaning [Washington Post]

We suppose we could lament this crass commercialization of a viral Web trend — because we hate it when people do that — but it's instructive to remember that Portis' characters became popular not because ordinary press conference, but because the press conferences were first broadcast on the Web, at Redskins.com. From there, they grew into the larger phenomenon. So we don't begrudge them a little T-shirt to monetize the trend, as long as they come up with something equally amusing for the site this year. Might we suggest something with Chris Cooley?

Portis T-Shirt [Redskins.com]
Coach Janky Spanky: Cliffs Notes Version [Deadspin]