Are they just making these tests more difficult each year? I was pulled over once for not coming to a complete stop at a blinking red light and had to endure this shit parade. I'm, like, officers I scored 800 on my PSATs, just let me suck on a tube or something because I will fail your silly gymnastics-arithmetic torture test. Of course, I blew a .03 and they just laughed at me. "You weren't lying," they said. I'm still not sure if they were impressed I wasn't lying about being drunk or being a total moron.

So I think we can all empathize with poor Ray here as they set all sorts of mental bear traps for him. Seriously — start counting from 98 down to 72 and raise your foot and count...Jesus. I feel woozy just watching this. Plus, the super trooper barking orders at Maualuga saunters back to the car at one point and then lets out two healthy farts at around the 4:30 mark in the second part of the video.

Maualuga admits to having "six" drinks this evening (which probably means 10) and you'd figure by now athletes would know better to just get in a cab, lest you end up on Cincy's cruiser cam footage showing off your USC education.

****

Anybody else get sick yet? This shit sucks. Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. I'll be hopped on Sudafed for the rest of the night and will attempt to be lucid should something newsworthy happen. If not, I'll see you in the morning.

The rookie LB was out in Covington, Ky., early this morning when he struck two parked cars and knocked over a parking meter. Since there's not a heck of a lot to do in Covington at 1:45 a.m., police figured out pretty quickly what the deal was.

Maualuga smelled of "intoxicants" and told the officer that he had "about six Captain and Coke drinks," the report states. The officer gave Maualuga field sobriety tests, which he failed, the report states.

"Subject had slurred speech, blood shot, watery eyes and he was unsteady on his feet," the officer wrote.

Maualuga had a blood-alcohol level of .157, according to a Covington Police report. The legal limit is .08.

Maualuga had two passengers in the car, an 18-year-old girl, and a "juvenile female." He was probably just taking them home from Brownies!

If I'm his lawyer, I'm already prepping the "his foot's broken and it's hard to drive with an air cast" defense.

Cincinnati Bengals linebacker Maualuga charged with DUI [Cincinnati Enquirer]

When Chad Ochocinco, with a #15 decal on his helmet, took a knee in the end zone, it looked sincere. When he broke down on the sidelines, it looked genuine.

I didn't know Chris Henry. Didn't ever meet him. Don't know what kind of person he really was. Judging from the reactions of his teammates, he was a good man. Judging from the run-ins with the law, maybe not so good. He probably was, like all of us, somewhere in between.

I didn't know Chris Henry. I know he was a wonderful athlete, and that he was less than a year older than me when he died. And that, like life, is not fair.

•••••

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. I leave you with the greatest Christmas song ever recorded.

Just two months ago to the day, this now haunting story appeared on the front page of the Cincinnati Enquirer It lauded Henry for the amazing changes that had overcome him. No more drugs. No more booze. No more women. He had finally started taking football seriously, and more importantly, he had taken responsibility for his family. Things were going to be different from now on.

Most of the credit for Henry's new-found happiness went to Loleini Tonga, his fianceé. She stuck by him through his troubles—through his five arrests, his suspension, his release—when all the fair-weather friends disappeared. Their wedding planning was the reason he was in Charlotte, North Carolina. That and an injury that cut short his season, the best one he and his team had seen in years. Henry had once been a symbol for all that was wrong with that franchise, but they gave him all the second chances in the world and they had made their comebacks together.

[Video via ESPN]

We don't know why he got in a fight with his fianceé, why he got in the back of that truck, or how he ended up falling out of it, but this last troubling incident is made all the more tragic by the belief of those around him, that there wouldn't be any more. The man once notorious called "a one-man crime wave" had changed his ways. Just like fellow NFL player Sean Taylor, his past did not "catch up with him," but the saddest stories are those that should have had a happy ending.

Chris Henry: Family Guy [Cincinnati Enquirer]
Reflections on Chris Henry from the locker room [Cincinnati Enquirer]

Henry, who hasn't played since going on injured reserve early last month, was in Charlotte to discuss wedding plans with his fiancée, according to his agent.

At some point this afternoon, they got into a "domestic situation." Police say the fiancée drove away in the pickup truck, and Henry jumped in the back. They continued arguing. A half-mile from the home, he fell out the back of the truck.

Update: Gerry Fraley of the Dallas Morning News reports the accident was fatal. So far, no one else is confirming this. And the account appears to be fake.

Update: Joe Reedy of the Cincinnati Enquirer reports that Henry suffered head injuries, but as far as he knows is still alive.

Update: The Kentucky Post reports that homicide detectives are investigating. This doesn't necessarily mean it would be classified as a homicide.

Update: Alex Marvez of FOXSports reports that Henry is on life support.

Update: TMZ is, of course, all over this. Just today, fiancée Loleini Tonga was bragging to friends about having bought their wedding rings. Jesus.

Update: A source tells FanHouse that "we don't think he's going to make it."

Update: A statement from Henry's agents: "We ask everyone to pray for Chris. We also ask that you respect the privacy of Chris' family. Chris is indeed battling for his life tonight, and our thoughts and prayers our with him during this extremely difficult time."

Update: A reader informs us that a witness to the accident told local news that Henry was "foaming at the mouth."

The Bengals have spent years trying to shed the perception that they are nothing but violent, drug-addled thugs who have little interest in playing proper football—-and now that they've done that, they are actually a good team again. I hate to sound like Gregg Easterbrook here, but ... why would you tempt fate like this? Coach Marvin Lewis says that if the team does sign Johnson, he would be nothing more than a fourth-string back up. Why fill such an inconsequential spot with a potential problem child? Because fourth RBs are so hard to come by?

Let's be clear, Larry Johnson wasn't fired from the Chiefs because he called someone a "faggot" on Twitter. He was dumped because he was an aging, unlikeable, not-very-good running back who had become an annoying thorn in his coach's side. The fact that he threw around anti-gay slurs in public was just a convenient excuse for K.C. to wash their hands of him. He was a distraction that an 0-and-whatever team did not need. So why does a first-place team need it?

I don't believe in football gods, but I do believe that guys who wear hats like this should probably stay unemployed.

Source: Larry Johnson expects to sign with Cincinnati Bengals [ESPN]

In a letter to Ochocinco, Ray Anderson, the No Fun League's executive vice president of football operations, stated that "[t]he very appearance of impropriety is not acceptable. Your conduct was unprofessional and unbecoming an NFL Player."

Fair enough. But no matter which side of the argument you find yourself on whether or not he should have been fined, you have to give Ochocinco some credit for creativity. Still, Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis approves of the message the NFL is sending with the fine:

"I think as I told Chad when I heard what occurred, you don't fool with the integrity of the game in the NFL. We're not WWE and so forth. This is a serious game for serious people. He realizes he made a very big error in judgment and is sorry for it. From the league's standpoint, they can't have any copycat deal so they made a pretty firm statement."

The WWE? Is that...is that Chad Ochocinco's music??

Chad Ochocinco fined $20,000 for $1 prank [The Cincinnati Enquirer]

•If he's going to bang his way through Hollywood, why not try a little acting? Derek Jeter has a cameo as a homeless man in the new Will Ferrell movie.

•Holy shit. I don't ever want to see the Bears on national TV ever again (not that I get the NFL Network, but you get the idea). Jay Cutler passed the ball to 12 different players; five of them on the 49ers.

•Maybe Jamal Lewis had a point about Browns practices being too rough? DE Keith Grennan ruptured a patellar tendon during yet another one of Eric Mangini's "opportunity drills." If the point of these optional practices is to give players the opportunity to prove to coaches that their knees won't explode, Grennan failed to impress.

•Joe Namath's yellow Lab was declared dangerous and must be muzzled, after it attacked a UPS driver and a nurse. Expect Joe to be running the wildcat offense for his retirement community's recreational period football team soon.

•Cam Ward will miss a month of action after having his leg sliced by a skate blade. Want the only proof you need that players aren't as tough as they used to be? Clint Malarchuk was back in goal a week later.

•An eighth grader was suspended for shaving Bengals stripes into his hair. The school claims it violates their code of conduct on hairstyles, but I think his real crime is being a Bengals fan.

•Tired of the flowchart meme yet? Too bad, because here's a really good one for NHL suspensions.

•Finally, because it's sweeping the Interwebs, it's the Dock Ellis LSD No-Hitter. In cartoon form!

Benson made some waves last week when he accused his former team of trying to blackball him around the league. (Fortunately, when your running back has just 10 touchdowns in three years it doesn't take much to convince people not to hire him.) Plenty of players have tried to amp themselves up for a big "revenge game" by talking a little smack—and then promptly gone out and laid a big egg on the field/court/rink, proving that the organization that cut/traded/demoted them was right all along. Yet Benson somehow found a way to deliver a career-high 189 yards and a touchdown in a 45-10 pounding of his former mates. While playing for the Bengals even!

Benson said after the game that " it wasn't a revenge day" but he wouldn't have made those comments in the first place if it wasn't. He want to stick it to the team that never believed in him and was one of the lucky few to make that dream of sweet justice come true. Of course, if Benson had ever come anywhere close to leading the league in rushing when he played for the Bears, he wouldn't have anybody to be mad at now. I guess it doesn't matter whose fault that was—indifferent coaches, lumbering o-linemen, noodle armed QBs, or Benson himself?—because the team he leads now looks like a maybe possibly legit sorta contender. For this week, anyway. And this week is all that matters.

So eat your heart out, whoever has played running for the Bears since Walter Payton retired! Those nameless hordes sure look pretty stupid now, huh?

Cincinnati Bengals' Cedric Benson basks in an I-told-you-so day [Chicago Tribune]
Bears humiliated by Benson, Bengals [Chicago Sun-Times]
Wasn't just good running [ESPN Chicago]

* * * * *

Here are some other big winners, who did not win quite as big:

Ricky Stanzi: Mark Dantonio's patented prevent defense prevents the Hawkeyes from losing their first game of the season, and Iowa suddenly finds itself photobombing the national championship picture. Good for them. Jerks. [The Rivalry, Esq./Daily Iowan]

Terrence Cody: The Alabama nose guard blocked two field goals in the fourth quarter against Tennessee to save his team's season. That guy must be swimming in free textbooks right now. [Press-Register]

Manny Acta: After a disappointing season in Cleveland, the Indians decide that what they really need is a little of that Washington Nationals magic. And they actually had to steal it from the Astros! Geez, who do you have to sleep with to not get hired as a major league manager? [PlainDealer/MLB]

Dustin Doe: The Florida linebacker could have been remembered for one of the all-time bonehead mistakes—after being stripped of the ball while prancing into the end zone on an interception return—but was bailed out by a terrible replay review and instead got the game-cinching touchdown to keep his team undefeated. Yeah, I can't wait for baseball to get this stuff. [ESPN]

Philadelphia Phillies: Thanks to poor scheduling by MLB and a little help from God, the WFC got a nice long weekend at home, so now they're all caught up on Glee. [MLB.com]

And the Weekend Loser?: Boise State. After a 54-9 shellacking of Hawaii—on the road, even—the undefeated Broncos fell three spots in the BCS standings and will likely be shut out of the BCS games, never mind the national title. Yay, regular season "integrity"! [The Associated Press]

The NFL stands by the call. But Ryan isn't buying. Via the Cleveland Plain Dealer:

Ryan said after a question during his press conference today: "I thought you were talking about that missed field goal. Somebody should look at it or research it. It was disappointing.''

Later, he reiterated that it was no good, saying: "You could watch the tape, that would be great. I'm not saying anything, but man, maybe the posts were crooked. [But] I don't want to get fined. I pay enough money on a house I don't even live in in California.''

He added: "I don't want to make this a big story, but I was disappointed. Of course, I'm not an expert. That's why I'm saying maybe somebody else should look at it.''

You can watch the video below or here. The kick does indeed appear to cross in front of the bar, but I will withhold judgment until we can re-enact the play ourselves with small woodland creatures.

Cleveland Browns defensive coordinator Rob Ryan says Cincinnati Bengals missed game-winning field goal Sunday [Plain Dealer]
NFL GameDay: Bengals vs. Browns highlights [NFL.com]

How did they get those coveted seats anyway? Well, it seems that a certain showboating wide receiver purchased them on their behalf. When Chad Ochocinco announced his intention to jump into the Green Bay crowd—a feat others have tried and failed at—three Cincy fans offered to be his welcoming committee. So Chad hooked them up with tickets and, fortunately for him, he picked the right end zone. So yeah, they weren't there by accident. It's like I don't even know what to believe anymore.

By the way, you probably knew this already but the Bengal Backers confirmed that all the Packer fans sitting around them were perfectly lovely and polite toward the interlopers ... except for this dude.

Now that I believe.

Threesome made Bengal's Lambeau leap possible [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel]

Game notes:

• We had no Bengals helmet. so Frog is seen wearing a Browns helmet.
• Gerbil does not like wearing helmet.
• Gerbil trampled Frog twice, but Frog was unfazed.
• Frog prefers cover 2 defense.
• Frog urinated on Browns helmet.
• Gerbil — excited. Pooped in end zone.

Video: Gawker genius Mike Byhoff

Wacky Touchdown Gives Broncos 12-7 Win Over Bengals [Yahoo!]

We got this tip from who I can only surmise is a ticked-off rival agent (sample line: "In his free time he enjoys stealing other peoples clients"), but that doesn't discount the size of the petard by which Alvin Keels hoists himself.

Now if "sexy for the women, and swag for the gentlemen" doesn't immediately grab you, watch both parts 1 and 2 for the full lowdown.

My favorite part is when Keels boasts about how exclusive the party is — right before he posts his phone number on the screen, then posts the videos on YouTube.

1. You people RUINED Carson Palmer. Oh, Carson Palmer. What have they done to you? Four years ago, Palmer was primed to join Peyton Manning and Tom Brady at the top of the NFL quarterback list. He was remarkably poised. His downfield touch was perfect. I get really pissed when quarterbacks like Michael Vick are described as "electrifying" when all Vick does is run around for thirty seconds before deciding to be sacked or throwing the ball away. I find it far more exciting to watch a player like Palmer develop into the brilliant pocket passer he was for that fleeting moment. I love seeing good passing QB's shake off the rush and then flick the ball effortlessly down the field at 30 yards a clip. I love seeing them get into a rhythm, dialing in and getting the ball to nine or ten different receivers a game. THAT is electrifying work. You could see Palmer's confidence that year. It was easy to envision him guiding the Bengals to 10 wins a year every year for the next decade. Then, Kimo busted his knee. Ocho lost his fucking mind. Marvin Lewis became a lame duck. His elbow went to shit. You barely had to bat an eyelash before Palmer was knocked off course.

This can only be because he's a Bengal. For real, if Palmer were with a team like, I dunno, Seattle or something, would he ever have experienced such a swift and brutal decline? No. That kind of thing only happens when you're a Bengal. Such is the bumbling, embarrassing way in which the Bengals are run, that even a talent as luminous like Palmer gets lost in their miserable, impenetrable brainfog. There's no way to know if Palmer will ever gain his 2005 form back. Given this franchise's track record, it seems unlikely. And that blows. Carson Palmer deserved better, even if he has the ugliest smile this side of Adam Carolla.

2. Cincinnati? Racist shithole. I went to camp with a shitload of kids from Cincy when I was a kid. Cincinnati is in Ohio, but its residents are all firmly planted in Kentucky. They're imbued with all the creepiness of Ohio residents, and all the hickishness of Kentuckians. It's something to behold. One of the Cincy kids at my camp loved telling this "joke":

Hey Drew, what do black cheerleaders like to chant? BARBECUE, WATERMELON, CADILLAC CAR, WE'RE NOT AS DUMB AS YOU THINK WE IS!

That is rayyyycess.

Plenty more to hate about ol' Cincy. The chili there is overrated swill. I hated WKRP. Pete Rose is the sleaziest asshole mankind has ever produced. Joe Morgan made a name for himself there. Thanks for that, you bastards. This is town that had race riots EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AGO. I get having race riots forty years ago, or even twenty years ago. But in the 2000's? Really? Christ.

3. What the hell is Marvin Lewis still doing there? Oh, wait. I know. He wasn't fired because Mike Brown was too cheap to eat his contract, even though the Bengals play in a new stadium and enjoy the same generous TV revenue that every other NFL team enjoys. Lewis seems determined to assemble the least likable roster in the NFL. Rookie tackle Andre Smith is fat and injured. Wideout Chris Henry will fuck your niece and not apologize for it. Running back Cedric Benson is so whiny, they should make him an honorary white person. It says a lot about your team when Chad Ochocinco can pull all the shit he's pulled and still come out of it the most likable player on the squad.

4. Christ, the Ickey Shuffle. Lest you feel bad for the Bengals, do keep in mind that they were a terribly annoying team back in the Sam Wyche era. The Who Dey chant. The Ickey Shuffle. Worst TD dance ever? Worst TD dance ever. All he did was take three steps to one side, then three steps to the other. DEBBIE ALLEN IS TURNING OVER IN HER GRAVE. Even the Bengals' uniforms are enough to cause mass aggravation. And blindness.

5. The readers have their say. Uh, this guy has issues:

My wife has Bengals season tickets. She has been nursing a severe back injury for over a year and decided to re-up for season tickets knowing full well she would probably need surgery this summer and not be able to trudge up to her seats in the Paul Brown Stadium upper deck, section "Misery", row "Constant Losing." Honestly, she could get better tickets at any point but chooses these, as these are where the "real" fans sit. Real fans being real idiots apparently as tickets are plentiful anywhere in the piece of shit stadium as well as on the street prior to every game for below face value.

I do not share these tickets with her, as I am not a Bengals fan, having an I.Q. above 75 and being from Pittsburgh. I even refuse to go the Steelers game against the Bengals here in Cincinnati on principle that I will not give money to that ass-bag Mike Brown.

Now, one spinal fusion surgery later, she has decided to give away the tickets, knowing full well she couldn't sell them. So, as I see it, one damaged wife, no sex for a long time, and a pile of tickets my hard earned money paid for, plus now she'll be home every NFL Sunday to annoy the shit out of me with her opinions on why the Bengals didn't win, outside of the obvious reason, they're fucking terrible. Fuck you Mike Brown.

I'm thinking that guy's marriage might not last. Let's go to reader JohnnyDakotaStateU:

One of my earliest football memories is of watching Joe Montana drive down the field in the final minutes and complete the pass to John Taylor that would rip the hearts out of all Bengals fans. Little did I know at the time that that would be the highlight of my NFL-watching years. I love football. I played for 11 years and have been coaching for the past 3. Mike Brown and his family have made me not care about football on Sundays anymore. I used to get together with friends every Sunday to watch the Bengals games, even in the 90s. This decade brought hope and I even started to look forward to Sundays. Now, I would rather spend the day at a park or museum with my family than get drunk and stoned and gorge on pizza and Skyline. The Bengals have made me apathetic. That's the worst thing you can do to a fan.

Mention any of these names around a Bengals fan and they will first get angry, then realize they have no comeback, then possibly cry: Dave Shula, David Klingler, Akili Smith, Big Daddy Wilkinson, Odell Thurman, David Pollack, Bruce Coslet, Neil O'Donnell, Chris Perry, Kenny Irons, Mike Brown, Katie Blackburn, FUCK, COCK, I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. We've got the rest of the AFC North to go.

Football is a tough sport. You're going to get injured. You're going to have aches and pains. You're probably never going to be playing at 100% of your health. But there is such a pervasive attitude that anyone who does sit out with any injury short of a broken bone is some kind of wimp, it makes any pronouncements about the NFL "looking out for" its players seem laughable.

It's all very subtle and non-threatening, but it's everywhere you look. The snide comments from assistant coaches. ("I don't talk to hurt guys.") Head coaches lecturing players about muscle strains. Trainers giving bucket hats to players receiving treatment, so that they're easily singled out for mockery. Everyone will say, we're just breaking balls. It's just good-natured ribbing, part of the camaraderie of training camp. But that stuff adds up and if you don't think it affects a player's mental state you're kidding yourself.

Later in the episode, there was a moment when the same coach who was teasing rookie Rey Maualuga about his bad shoulder, implores him to "don't be a jackass" and speak up if the injury is bothering him. But which of his coach's remarks do you think has the bigger impact? The constant shots at his manhood, how he's letting down his team, the direct implication that he needs to be on the field to secure his starting spot? Or the brief concern shown just seconds before he goes into a drill? He's long ago received the message.

Granted, a documentary doesn't show everything, but anyone who has been around a locker room (or even read our Softball Failures) knows what that culture of toughness is about. No matter what safety measures the league takes or the vast amount of medical training that goes into care for the walking wounded, it will never outweigh that subtle psychological game that tells athletes that injuries are for pussies.

Hard Knocks [HBO]

If this had been filmed back in say ... 2006, then you might have had something special. Right now, the most interesting subplot is a wide receiver with an idiotic name who is addicted to Twitter. Riveting stuff.

Plus, because the Bengals are on TV, they are going to be on their best behavior. This a teachable moment, and what management wants to teach the world is that Cincinnati is not Crazy Town.

"For the fans around the country who know us only by reports," the Cincinnati Bengals' owner said Tuesday, "it's a chance to set the record straight."

There are quite a few fans who would like the record to reflect that Mike Brown is a terrible owner, but that's another show. Oh, there might be some "Perfect Strangers" level hijinks if Chad "Johnson" decides to make good on his threat to move in with Carson Palmer, but that's harmless stuff. The NFL is not going to let HBO embarrass anyone, so unless Shayne Graham decides to murder a hobo the fireworks will likely be kept to a minimum.

Plus, it's all fake anyway.

Brown hopes 'Hard Knocks' changes minds [Lexington Herald Leader]
A.J. Smith calls 'Hard Knocks' fake [USA Today]
Cincinnati Bengals Training Camp on Hard Knocks [Esquire]
‘Hard Knocks' puts Bengals under a microscope [Cincy Inquirer]