At this point approaching Chad Johnson with a microphone is slightly less dangerous than taunting tigers at the San Francisco Zoo.

Leslie J. "Bomber" Marr, 57, could face felony DWI and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle charges because of prior arrests and convictions in drinking-and-driving cases, said Whitehall Police Chief Richard LaChapelle. The electricity-powered Cruzin Cooler that Marr was riding contained 14 beers, the chief said.

Because I think that the Cruzin Cooler is a great invention, I went to their official site and discovered that, yes, they do make a Cincinnati Bengals model. As if there would be any doubts on that.

But back to the story. Money quote:

Marr was also cited for operating an uninsured motor vehicle. "They tell us he's been riding around town on that cooler for years," Kortright said. "You can't cruise around on your cooler if you're intoxicated."

If he would have had Snow Man running interference as usual, they never would have caught him..

Man Driving Motorized Cooler Faces DWI, Other Charges [The Post-Star]
Cruzin Coolers Official Site

Lynch is a holy roller incarnate, a player who organized the team bible study at Appalachian State and who's also married to the granddaughter of evangelist Billy Graham. This man loooves lil' baby Jesus and isn't afraid to show others the error of their deviant ways. The senior safety wasn't surprised the Bengals would need his services this season — both on and off the field:

"They are trying to turn things around so I was kind of expecting they'd take me.Talk is cheap. Live right and everything will be good."

This is an epic battle of good versus evil. We'll know who won at the end of the season if some of the more trouble-making Bengals have transformed themselves into altar boys — or Lynch is popped for a DUI within his first two weeks of training camp.

And With The 17th Pick In the Sixth Round... [AppFan]

Well, at least they got a good defender. Rivers is the best linebacker in the draft, a great size-speed guy with a head for the game. And he fills the Bengals biggest need. The Bengals were so desperate last year for linebackers that they signed Dhani Jones off the street and through him in the lineup. You know Dhani Jones: he worked for Al Gore for a while, then was an extra in that ATL movie, and hasn't really been involved in anything remotely successful since the Eagles reached the Super Bowl a few years ago. Rivers is definitely an upgrade for a team that switched to a 4-2-5 defense briefly last season because their only linebackers had names like Dhani.

Rivers is one of a long line of great linebackers who wore #55 at USC: Junior Seau, Willie McGinest, and others. Rivers could have turned pro last year, but he wanted to stay one more season in college to honor the legacy of his uniform number. If he knew he would end up on the Bengals, he might have done things differently.

Yesterday, Johnson declared that he would not report to Bengals' camp this year and demanded a trade. He's hinted about this before, but now has put the organization in the unenviable position of trying to move him for the sake of team chemistry and eating $8 million against their salary cap.

So, what does this do for the future of Chad Johnson? There are plenty of teams that would most likely pick him up, but his hefty salary and polarizing nature would also seem burdensome for plenty of teams. Granted, the Patriots seemingly did well by adding Randy Moss (and the Cowboys with Terrell Owens), but unless the Bengals are bowled over by a trade offer, they seem content to let this guy twist. Good for them. They should.

Carson Off Mark, Chad Says [Cincinnati Enquirer]
My Divorce From Chad Johnson [Yep Yep]
Goodbye Chad [Lookatmeshirts]

Say, what's Marvin Lewis doing what that straight jacket?

They are destroying the ceiling in the back room and they are all highly intoxicated. The bar owners ... want them ejected from the bar, and we are going to try to eject them now. They have been rowdy all night

The Bengals' night life mischief faded away for about a year or so, but it appears they're back in midseason form. Dust off your criminal charges bingo card, you'll need them this summer.

Bengals at Bang [Q102]
Chad Not Part Of Ruckus [Cincinnati Enquirer]

"That's it," Chad said, which startled Kenny. He then attempted a follow-up question which also went nowhere. Again, Kenny tries to sign-off gracefully and, again, Chad doesn't go away.

The whole interview starts to derail about the 1:10 mark.

Bengals' Johnson: 'I Plan To Show Up' [Fanhouse]

This time, it involves punching an 18-year-old and bashing car windows with beer bottles.

Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chris Henry has been accused of punching an 18-year-old in the face and breaking his car window with a beer bottle.

Court documents show Henry was charged Wednesday with misdemeanor assault and criminal damaging in the Monday incident in Cincinnati. A warrant has been issued for his arrest.

This now Henry's third incident since he was banned by the NFL for eight games. At this point, we've legitimately lost count of his number of arrests. Which, all told, is a number to be somewhat proud of. It's certainly the last stat he'll be putting up for a while.

Arrest Warrant Issued For Henry [Columbus Dispatch]
Chris Henry Archive] [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: Here's Henry's mugshot, by the way.)

(SECOND UPDATE: The Bengals have cut Henry. Took long enough.)

Sorry, Chad: Even in Washington, you can't put Ocho Cinco on the back of your jersey.

Police were called to the parking garage of Newport on the Levee Tuesday night, on reports of a pair of disorderly customers. Investigators say Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry and another man, Alston Desious Dyneal fought with a valet parking attendant after they tried to park their car without paying.

An argument allegedly ensued, with Henry reportedly saying "don't you know who I am." Levee Security was called, but the pair left. The report says both Henry and Alston were banned from the Levee and were asked to leave. No one has been arrested.

Yes. Henry said, "don't you know who I am?" Yes, Chris. Oh, how we do.

Chris Henry Accused in Newport [700wlw]

That being said, the only way that this interview between Keyshawn Johnson and Chad Johnson could be more entertaining is if Clinton Portis suddenly appeared in giant glasses and clown shoes. I've never seen the interviewer get frustrated and end the interview ... isn't it usually the other way around?

Video: Keyshawn Johnson Interviews Chad Johnson [Sportaphile]

Bowie is the cornerback out of Cincinnati whom the Raiders took with the pick they garnered for Moss. Bowie is on the Raiders' 53-man roster but still hasn't made it on the field, while Moss has seven touchdowns already. Obviously, he wouldn't have seven touchdowns for the Raiders right now, but it's still kind of a sad place for Bowie to be. We hope the guy can make it in a game at least. Not that Raiders fans, we suspect, miss Moss all that much.

Purring Along [Boston.com]
In Honor Of Randy Moss And John Bowie [The Angry T]

Regardless, it's the Bengals hosting the Patriots tonight, and, at the very least, it's a game that will be watched by fantasy players. After a weekend in which offensive players didn't do a lot of scoring, Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, Randy Moss, Tom Brady, that whole crew, they're going to be saving a lot of people tonight.

If you're looking for a break from the Rockies-Padres game anyway ... oh, who are we kidding? This is gonna kill TBS in the ratings, playoff or not. Alas.

Yes, the folks at Paul Brown Stadium are seeking permission to kill pigeons that are heading into the fans' area. This seems like a potentially fun side attraction for the kids of Cincinnati; watch the men in jackets murder birds!

Pigeon droppings have been falling on patrons and into their food and beverages, according to a letter to the city from Eric Brown, managing director of Paul Brown Stadium Ltd., which runs the stadium for Hamilton County, which owns it. He asked in his letter that stadium employees who are familiar with firearms be allowed to shoot birds a few days prior to an event, adding that company officials believe the shooting to be a "cost-effective way to get this problem under control."

City officials are working with stadium officials on both the legalities of killing the birds as well as the means by which they might be killed, said city spokeswoman Meg Olberding.

Right now, there's one Bengals employee who's really excited about being able to shoot and kill things for his job. Hell, he's probably a player.

Bengals: Let Us Cut The Poop [Cincinnati Enquirer]

Police called in the plates on a car they didn't recognize outside Henry's house — and it's telling that there's a police car constantly patrolling Chris Henry's house — and discovered that Hertz Rental Car had reported it stolen. Thing is, Henry didn't think he had stolen it; he just thought the insurance covered it.

Henry told investigators that his own vehicle had been stolen in Louisiana, where he is from originally, and he rented a car from Hertz. The Bengals' wide receiver said he thought his insurance company was paying for the car, so he had not made any payment for the vehicle.

Authorities said Hertz had not received payment from Henry or his insurance company, and the car was reported stolen.

We don't think Henry meant to "steal" the car, but his mindset is perhaps more telling. Basically, because his own car had been "stolen," his brain told him, "Well, because my car was jacked, I can just hop in one of the cars in this lot and just take off. Look, they even left the keys for me!" Because remember: The cars in the lot, the ones with the keys already in the ignition, they're just free cars, really. Go ahead. They've got plenty.

Vehicle At Bengal's Home Was Reported Stolen [WLWT]

Actually, other than note that Alex Smith looks pretty happy for a guy who had 66 yards passing before the final drive, and that if Seattle doesn't run away with the NFC West, Mike Holmgren should resign and raise Andy Reid's kids, we're not sure what much more there is to say. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals blew a late lead and lost on national television. This happens every time they're on national television. At least usually it happens earlier in the night.

So let's focus on the game people actually cared about last night: A gripping 27-20 Bengals win over the Ravens. The game was perhaps most noteworthy for Ravens coach Brian Billick deciding, on the final drive of the game, to to bring in Kyle Boller over Steve McNair. Boller failed to tie the game — obviously — and the best part was watching McNair attempt to avoid making eye contact with the camera after he was benched. With Ray Lewis hurt now, we'd be a little concerned if we were a Ravens fan right now. Bring in Troy Smith!

Oh, yeah, there's also a game tonight, between the Bengals and the Ravens, and this is what we like to call an "open thread." But that's not all, folks. Because we are nothing if not masochists, we have decided to, for the Buzzsaw's lone national television appearance this year, to live blog the Arizona Cardinals-San Francisco 49ers game at 10:15 ET time tonight. (One could call it, oh, a glog.) It's going to be us, you and Mike and Mike. Now that's a party. So enjoy the first game, and we'll see you back here at 10:15.

Some picks!

• AJ Daulerio: Ravens, Steelers, Bengals, Browns.
• Kissing Suzy Kolber: Steelers, Bengals, Browns, Ravens.
• Robert Weintraub, Slate: Steelers, Ravens, Bengals, Browns.
• Matt Pitzer, USA Today: Steelers, Bengals, Ravens, Browns.
• Aaron Schatz, Football Outsiders: Steelers, Ravens, Bengals, Browns.
• Sports Illustrated: Bengals, Ravens, Steelers, Browns.
• DEADSPIN: Bengals, Ravens, Steelers, Browns. We have Carson Palmer in almost every one of our fantasy leagues. (Sorry, Rob.) We could look at that picture of Brian Billick all day.

As always, we know nothing.

The woman seen in the above video, screaming and carrying on about the Cincinnati Bengals, is Lauren Ritter. (You can watch her video here.) She's mentioned as having "sent in" the video, but if that's so, she probably just needed the interoffice mail: She's an ESPN employee. A production assistant, to be exact. This "random fan" is, of course, anything but.

We have sympathy for Ms. Ritter — who confirmed to us via email that it was her, and also pointed out that she's from Cincinnati and really does love the Bengals — who seems like an awfully nice lady and just wants to, you know, do a good job. (And we all know how difficult that can be as a woman at ESPN.) But we look forward to the season opener, when a thinly disguised Merril Hoge wears a 49ers jersey and screams about Joe Montana while, off-camera, Steve Young seethes.

Go Bengals! [ESPN]

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

Let's get this out of the way right off the bat: Yes, the fact that my Bengals have become a symbol for lawlessness is embarrassing. But I think I speak for all hard-core Bengal fans when I postulate that losing the last two games of the season, thanks to special teams miscues, either one of which would have gotten us to the postseason, was much worse. When it comes right down to it, what's more egregious: one oft-suspended alcoholic getting busted for drunk driving while another oft-suspended teammate blows chunks out the window, or missing an extra point to miss out on the postseason? Thought so.

Now that I've established my sociopathy, here are my Bengal fan credentials — I'm from New York, not Cincinnati. I had never even been to the Queen City until 2003. I've been to two home games in my life — the final game of 2003, when a win over the hated Browns would have given the Bengals their first winning record since 1991 (lost), and the playoff game against the hated Steelers, when Carson Palmer had his knee nuked on the team's second offensive play (lost). Until last season, I had never seen the Bengals win in person.

But I've been there, living and dying through every 2-14 season, through Klingler and Akili and Ki-Jana and Dave Shula, through being a national laughingstock because of our record rather than our rap sheet. That's why I can say with the authority borne from suffering that last season was among the worst ever, and not because NFL Films is titling the team highlight video "The Bengals — Live From Folsom Prison."

Lost amid the handcuffs and the dropped holds was the extraordinary performance of Carson Palmer. Somehow, as he was throwing for over 4,000 yards and making Ocho Cinco and T.J. Whoseyourmama into household names, it was forgotten that until last August, it was far more likely Palmer would miss much of the season than be the best QB not named Peyton or Mr. Bundchen. Hell, the talk immediately after The Injury was that Palmer might never play again.

That made last season especially disappointing. Overcoming multiple arrests is nothing compared to overcoming a terrible knee injury to your franchise quarterback. Palmer played every game and had an amazing season, and we went 8-8 and missed the playoffs nonetheless. Even assuming no more injury, the best QB we've ever had (and this comes from someone who still proudly wears both Boomer Esiason and Ken Anderson jerseys) only has so many great years in him. To waste one of his best like that was nauseating, even by Bengals standards.

Cincy has had no losing seasons in the last four. Of course, we've had only one winning season in that stretch as well, going 8-8 three times. But last season felt more like 5-11. During the long offseason, I've occasionally dipped into taped action from the Saints game last year, a.k.a. the only game I've seen Cincinnati win in person. Palmer throws a bomb to Chad on the first drive, and Dick Enberg wets himself in the broadcast booth. "That's the striking power of the Cincinnati Bengals!!" he moans. Unfortunately, we got struck back an awful lot last year, including the last play of the season, a weaving 67-yard touchdown by Santonio Holmes (a 10-times-worse felon than Odell, Henry and O.J. combined) in overtime, a particularly nauseating way to head into the offseason.

The thorn in the Bengal paw has been defense since, well, forever, really, and no amount of Marvin Lewis staredowns and supposed genius on that side of the ball has helped (just goes to show how it's easy to become a genius when you have Ray Lewis and cohorts to play with). If anything, the defense has lost strength with the departures of Kevan Kaesviharn, Shaun Smith and Brian Simmons, though it's not as if we were stopping anyone with those dudes. If you count yourself amongst the football cognoscenti, look to the development of linebacker Ahmad Brooks; if he can overcome his natural thuggishness and rogue shark tendencies to be the baller we spent a supplementary draft choice upon, perhaps the D can match the O for once.

If not, I may join the arrest list after the defenestration of any Steelers or Browns fans I run across.

With the news yesterday that running back Quincy Wilson has become the 10th Cincinnati Bengal to be arrested in the past 14 months, we now need the measured, no-nonsense sports commentary of Kige Ramsey more than ever. If you're unfamiliar, just think of him as the Jason Whitlock of Youtube ... if, you know, Jason Whitlock fixed lawnmowers and carried around every book he owned wrapped in a belt.

We find Ramsey just about perfect in every way. Others, however, may think him a bit unpolished. Not to worry: The blog Bengal Stripes has a few pointers for him:

How to improve your Youtube home sportscast set-up:

1. Get somebody else to operate camera
2. Remove refrigerator from doorway
3. Show marginal enthusiasm
4. Prepare
5. Make sure calendar shows correct month
6. Update wood paneling

We're pretty confident that with these changes, Ramsey will soon unlock the secret to getting us out of the Middle East. And this just in ... a Browns player has now been arrested. There'll be precious little time for biscuits and mustard today.

Slingblade Bengals Commentary [Bengals Stripes]
Not Changing Their Stripes: 10th Bengal Arrested [MSNBC]
Cops Use Stun Gun On Browns Rookie [MSNBC]

We're not sure how to say this, so we're just gonna come right out with it: Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry is in trouble again. Fortunately, this one's no big deal: Just the random, unsolicited beating of a 16-year-old boy.

Police say the 16-year-old and an 18-year-old friend were walking along Wetherington Boulevard near Mt. Zion Road just after 11 p.m. Friday night when, they say a black Navigator or Escalade pulled up next to them. According to the police report, a white male jumped out and started punching the 16-year-old in the face. "From that, the victim tells us another gentleman got out of the vehicle the same vehicle and in their attempt to get away, was shoved to the ground by this African American gentleman."

The teen identified that man as Bengals receiver Chris Henry, and says receiver Reggie McNeill was also in the vehicle. The teen also alleges that they were throwing beer bottles at him as he tried to run away. "Go away, we don't want to talk to you."

Henry, of course, is already serving an eight-game suspension for, you know, his other four arrests. We're not sure where "throwing beer bottles at a minor" falls on NFL commissioner Roger Goodell offense chart ... but it has to be around the "depantsing nuns" level. We wouldn't hold your breath to see Chris Henry playing football again anytime soon.

Assault Accusation Against Bengals' Chris Henry [WCPO]

(UPDATE: A source says this might not have happened, by the way. Worth noting.)

Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry has failed a court-ordered drug test, Kenton County prosecutors say.

Kenton Country prosecutor Gary Edmondson said today the test was part of Henry's probation agreement with the state of Florida. Henry was convicted of a weapons charge in Florida in 2006.

You might remember that weapons charge; it was one of his four arrests that year, and that's not counting the time he threw up out the window while teammate Odell Thurman was arrested. Henry is already serving an eight-game suspension, and with this news ... well ... perhaps there's a job at Freddie Mitchell's high school.

Henry Fails Drug Test [Cincinnati Enquirer]

But yesterday, it was A.J. Nicholson's turn. Again. Last year, Nicholson was charged with burglary and grand theft, but displayed some versatility this time, getting arrested for domestic violence. Police responded to a 911 call from a woman who said she was hit in the face, and upon arriving at the scene, observed a woman with an injury to her eye.

The violence started when Nicholson politely asked the woman to perform a service for him that looked something like this. She said she wasn't the kind of girl to mimic filthy acts she had seen in newspaper circular hot dog ads, Nicholson said he'd just get Carson Palmer to do it, she called him a name, and then the violence erupted.*

Nicholson, like most Bengals, is currently on probation.

* = probably not true ... but maybe.

Bengals' Nicholson arrested on domestic violence charge [ESPN]
Carson Palmer Would Like To Sell You a Hot Dog [FanHouse]

The Bengals aren't really drafting. This is a police sting operation. You know how they invite all the parking offenders to the precinct to take part in a boat raffle? You know they make squeaky-voiced female FBI agents pretend to be 13 years old to lure perverts? Well, federal prosecutors reasoned that anyone the Bengals would select is clearly guilty of something. They are waiting in the wings for Hall with handcuffs.

Don't believe it? Well, what about Hall's manufactured speed? Experienced scouts know that Hall's 4.29 40-time is manufactured speed. Apparently, Hall has been in the lab cooking with cough syrup. Get ready to throw away the keys, boys.

Actually, "manufactured speed" means that Hall went to one of those clinics where they work on Combine skills, not football skills. Hall won't be running with a giant parachute on his back when he's playing for the Bengals. That's Chad Johnson's job. Hall may have track star speed, but Dwayne Jarrett used him as a launch pad in the Rose Bowl. Hall has a tendency to get burned like an albino lifeguard by top receivers, but he doesn't let his mistakes go to his head. Johnson will no doubt test the kid's mettle in practice, and Hall will adapt quickly.

Burnings aside, Hall is a great tackler and a good bump-and-run defender who didn't get a lot of safety help at Michigan . And personality wise, the kid is aces.

Jeni Lee Dinkel, 51, pleaded not guilty Monday to one count each of third-degree rape and third-degree sodomy after turning herself in to authorities. The Class D felonies each carry a penalty of one to five years in prison. She is the wife of Tom Dinkel, who was a Bengals linebacker from 1978 to 1985. Dinkel's accuser attends Covington Catholic High School with Dinkel's teenage son, authorities said.

"The investigation resulted from allegations that surfaced after officers had responded to the suspect's residence back in October for a loud party call," Villa Hills Detective Joe Schutzman said in a statement released Monday. "There were allegations that the suspect was providing alcoholic beverages to minors."

We don't understand the problem here; are we really the type of society that has a problem with a 36-year age difference? Oh. Yeah. We probably are.

Woman Faces Sex Charges [Cincinnati Enquirer]

With the schedule postponed a couple of weeks this year, for whatever reason (they're being released at 1 p.m. ET today), Henry's gonna have to wait to see if his eight-game suspension becomes nine weeks worth of pay. If the Bengals have their bye week in the first eight weeks of the season, it's gonna cost him another week's worth of salary, which is $25,588.24. (That seems low, doesn't it? We mean, for a professional athlete. Doesn't A-Rod pretty much make that per at-bat?)

Anyway, one would expect Henry to be keeping a close eye on the NFL schedule ... though we suspect he might have enough problems right now.

NFL Delayed Schedule Release Costing Chris Henry $25k? [The Sports Oasis]

The NFL has officially suspended Titans cornerback Pac Man Jones for entire season. Not just that, either: Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry is suspended for the first eight games of year.

Commish Roger Goodell gave them the proverbial press release bitchslap:

"Your conduct has brought embarrassment and ridicule upon yourself, your club, and the NFL, and has damaged the reputation of players throughout the league. You have put in jeopardy an otherwise promising NFL career, and have risked both your own safety and the safety of others through your off-field actions. In each of these respects, you have engaged in conduct detrimental to the NFL and failed to live up to the standards expected of NFL players. Taken as a whole, this conduct warrants significant sanction."

So, Pac Man is out a year's worth of rain, and Henry will miss a game for each arrest (or close to it). We ask them both, even though they're going to miss a significant period of time, to not change, you beautiful bastards. Don't ever change.

NFL Suspends Pacman Jones, Bengals' Henry [NFL.com]

A fist fight between two NFL players broke out in the Palms casino on Sunday night, sources said. Joey Porter, an All-Pro linebacker who recently left the Pittsburgh Steelers to join the Miami Dolphins, brawled with Cincinnati Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones, at about 6 p.m. at a blackjack table in the casino. Jones, who suffered scratches, told Las Vegas police he would be filing charges against Porter. Sources said there has been bad blood between the two.

This was about 14 hours ago, so expect more details to filter out in the next few hours. We imagine Levi splitting when Porter wanted him to double down, and that just showed a total lack for Joey, and it all went downhill from there. We can't wait until Porter gets to Miami ... if he actually makes it.

Breaking: Joey Porter Brawls With Bengals Lineman Levi Jones In Las Vegas [The Big Lead]

According to the Feb. 14 letter, the sex acts took place during a party at which alcohol was served, the sex acts were videotaped and the tapes have been circulated in UC dormitories.

The allegation concerns eight football players and a former female soccer player at the school, though we're not sure if the "former" refers to her status as a student, her status as a soccer player or her status as a woman. (Or all three!) The video is supposedly circulating around the Cincinnati campus and it's only a matter until Marvin Lewis starts showing it to potential draftees.

Bearcats Bracing After Bareback Bash? [Every Day Should Be Saturday]

(UPDATE: Here's letter that started it all.) (PDF)

Meanwhile, the Bengals organization has a new number that players can call anytime they need a designated driver. It's sadly necessary, but all kidding aside, that's a great idea. All teams should do this. Find some guy who doesn't drink, give him a car and about 1/8th of what Chris Henry makes, and tell him he's on call to drive drunken Bengals around, 24/7/365. And whoever this guy is ... he has some stories to tell. This is also a great way to spot problem behavior, such as guys calling the number for a ride home from practice.

And in even more Bengals news, a coffee-shop owner in Ohio has put a sign outside advertising free coffee to any sober professional football player. It's a noble effort, but they need the coffee to sober them up when they're drunk. No player has ever taken him up on the offer, but that's probably because the only time any Bengal is sober, he's at practice or in a team meeting.

Bengals Players Now Have a Designated Driver Number They Can Call Anytime [NFL FanHouse]
Bengals' Henry out of jail after serving two days [ESPN]
Will coffee work better than fines? [NKY.com]

"You brought shame with this on yourself," District Judge Doug Grothaus said. "You embarrassed a lot of people." Grothaus told Henry he was "a cancer" with no respect for himself, his teammates or the community. "Mr. Henry, it's time to grow up," said Grothaus.

If you think that's harsh, you should have seen what would have happened if Henry had committed the crimes in Georgia.

Henry was escorted directly to jail, where he will serve his two days, enough time for him to rehabilitate and obviously never get in trouble again.

Judge Jails Bengals' Henry [Cincinnati Post]
Chris Henry Keeps Himself Busy [Deadspin]

That said ... he is a Bengal, and he just got arrested.

According to the Boone County Sheriff's Department, Bengals defensive back Johnathan Joseph was a passenger in a vehicle that was weaving around 2:15 Monday morning. When deputies stopped the vehicle, they said they detected an odor of drugs. Police said a search turned up a bag of marijuana, and Joseph was charged with possession.

Poor guy: Just trying to get home, and the lady driving him had to be weaving, busting the guy. That's nine now, by the way. You're next, Palmer.

Cincinnati Bengal Arrested For Pot Possession [WCPO]

We'd like to thank JD Armey over at The Fanhouse for this photo of a Bengals fan who's awfully excited that her team is full of felons and just can't close the deal to get in the playoffs. Interestingly enough, Chris Henry and this woman are now engaged. **

We've blurred her with our rudimentary PhotoShop skills. (There's some more here.)

It Was Apparently A Little Hot At Paul Brown Stadium That Day [The Fanhouse]

** not true

The Bengals, meanwhile, have gone from The Hot Team to a team extremely unlikely to make the playoffs. They've got a road game with Denver this week and then a New Years Eve game against Pittsburgh, neither of which is a team particularly eager to roll over for the Atticans. We know everybody loves Marvin Lewis and everything, but to have all the issues and arrests and DUI's and vomiting next to cop cars and what-not, and also not make the playoffs ... well, that certainly seems a little worthy of taking pause, no?

That said, we've got two more weeks, one more road game ... plenty of time for another arrest or two. It's a sacred run for the record at this point.

Flying High Again [Indianapolis Star]

This has already made it around a bit, but because we're feeling festive and full of the holiday spirit this morning, so we thought we'd share this special video, put together to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer" — not typically one of our holiday favorites — and concerning Marvin Lewis and his sleigh of felonious Cincinnati Bengals. Good for an early morning chuckle, if you've had some nog.

(Big ups to With Leather on this one. Yes, you scooped our ass ... by like half an hour!)

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell called Bengals president Mike Brown on Monday to offer his help. Eight Bengals players have been arrested this year — three since the commissioner visited with the team Sept. 20. "Obviously, when you have incidents that don't reflect well on the National Football League, you have to deal with that aggressively," Goodell said Tuesday. "Our players and coaches are seen at a higher level by the public."

And it seems like Lewis is finally getting the message. (We wonder what practice is like sometimes over there. The first season of Deadwood is a distinct possibility).

"Unfortunately, I can't hold their hands 24/7, but it is embarrassing," Lewis said on Tuesday. "It's an embarrassment to our organization, to our city and to our fans. These things socially are not right." Aside from our idea of bringing in Jerry Tarkanian as a consultant, we're not sure how to help. Shame you guys ran Huggins out of town; he could offered some input.

Bengals Draw League's Attention [Cincinnati Enquirer]
Eight Is Enough [SI.com]

1. The new Kevin Federline CD, Playing with Fire. ("A lot of people don't like K-Fed, but he's all right.")
2. A new tie rack. ("Even guys from Southern California wear ties.")
3. A 10-point LTS crossbow. ("It's a new hobby of mine.")
4. Flavor of Love (Season 1) DVD. ("Flav is very smooth, and funny.")
5. A pingpong table. ("Pingpong is fun and helps your hand-eye coordination.")

You know, we don't want to overstate our case here, but as much as we enjoy watching Palmer play football, it's going to remain in our brain every time he drops back that he legitimately likes Kevin Federline's music. We thought this would make us root against him, but we can't fathom a quarterback currently the NFL faring much better, you know? Know that Kordell is gone, anyway; we kind of like the Scissor Sisters.

Some Bengals Off The Field Christmas Lists [Dayton Daily News]

(By the way, all kinds of comedic possibilities missed in this story. They asked THE BENGALS WHAT THEY WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS. How about "car breathalyzers?")

If that's good news for him, it might be even better news for his wife: Pollack hadn't showered in 80 days. For most Bengals, when they don't shower that long, it's because they shanked a prison guard, and got locked up in the hole. Pollack said he washed his hair and body seven times each during his first shower. I don't think that's enough.

If you're wondering about the likelihood if him going out and getting arrested, he still doesn't have a lot of mobility in his head and neck, so he's unlikely to be out and about, raising hell. Some other Bengal is going to have to pick up the slack for him.

The next step in his recovery process is determining if he needs spinal fusion surgery. They won't know until next Friday. If he does need it, he'll never play football again. If he doesn't, there's still a chance he could get back on the field. Obviously, we wish him the best.

Pollack's stabilizing halo removed [ajc.com]

The good news for O'Neal is that he'll have no shortage of teammates on whom to rely for legal advice. Pages one through seven of Chris Henry's playbook are pasted with the business cards of attorneys and bail bondsmen.

O'Neal's infraction is a relatively minor DWI. He blew a 0.10, just a wee bit over the legal limit of 0.08 in Ohio. He did manage to get out of there before he punched, shot, spit on, puked on, or flipped off any police officers or innocent bystanders before he was released, which qualifies him as a "character guy" in the Bengals locker room. His status for this weekend's game will likely remain unchanged.

It's important for a team to have good locker room chemistry, and a lot of coaches will go about that by trying to assemble a team of guys who don't get into a lot of off-the-field trouble. But at this point, it might be easier for Marvin Lewis to go the other way, and assemble a complete 53-man roster of rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.

Bengals' O'Neal arrested [Cincinnati.Com]