With staph infections running rampant in the NFL these days, it's nice of random fans to warn us of potential hazards. That's a rather nasty case of it under that Browns supporter's hat, apparently. Stay away from that area, Kellen Winslow!

Plus, I'm not sure which Teletubby that is there, but we'll call him Brady in honor of Mr. Quinn's first victory as Browns' starting quarterback. The Bills lost when Ryan Lindell missed a 47-yard field goal attempt wide right in the waning seconds. Um, 47 yards, wide right, Bills ... that kind of sounds familiar. Well played, Browns ... now hit the showers! But um, use lots of soap.

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

11:55 — The Browns kneel down on the final play, as if they quit.

I have nothing else to say tonight, other than if these teams were any better and/or in bigger markets, it'd be the talk of the town tomorrow morning. Instead, the Great Lakes area will get to embrace this game as their own. See everyone next liveblog, except for those who don't pay their cable bill.

11:52 — Once Buffalo finds out that MNF mentioned Scott Norwood before this kick, they're probably going to write several angry letters to ESPN. Did I mention the letters will be frozen solid and without personality? The 46-yard miss gives the Browns the win, avoiding another 13-point blown lead. Aww, too bad.

11:52 — Lynch runs. Browns call ... your mom.

11:51 — Lynch runs. Browns call timeout.

11:50 — Lynch runs. Browns call timeout.

11:49 — Jaws: "You don't have to get all this in one throw." But what if he does? Edwards zings it to the 35-yard line and now Lindell has the chance to win the game. Cue the footage of Lindell making FGs this long before the game. Ah, right on schedule.

11:48 — With 1:33 left, the Bills need to goal the field themselves. And in the Thanksgiving spirit, the Browns brought with them from the Cuyahoga a plump turkey, stuffing, and great field position on the kickoff. Buffalo's on the 44-yard line.

11:46 — Cue the footage of kickers teeing off before the game ... now cue the footage of the kicker pulling it right ... hey! Who gave Dawson the ability to nail that one? The 56-yarder inches the Browns ahead by two. MORE FIELD GOALS.

29 27

11:45 — Second and third down weren't much better either. Dawson needs to blast it from a semi-wind-aided 56 yards away.

11:44 — And now for the two-minute drill ... an auspicious start as it rattles in the arms of the Bills' Leodis McKelvin and drops to the ground.

11:41 — How was Quinn not sacked? (A: Nobody hit him.) Quinn to Winslow brings a warning that only two minutes remain in the game. The National Weather Service has not yet downgraded this to a Two Minute Watch.

11:39 — Cribbs gives the Browns a 33-yard line of possession. 2:17 left.

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #4
A 10-minute, sudden death, 7-on-7, no punts or field goals, no timeouts, no clock stoppage session of football. But the real twist is that the game will have already been declared a tie after four quarters, but since the players don't know that, and seem to do whatever the coaches say, it'll make for quite the exciting session of football and subsequent hilarious post-game conference.

11:37 — The Browns let them score.

26 27

11:36 — There's 2:35 left in the game. Maybe the Browns should just let them score.

11:35 — Now it's Marshawn Lynch's turn to run through the Brownsicles and dive for the endzone. He's ruled down at the one. Ew. "Brownsicle."

11:33 — The Williams have five minutes to touch it down. They're already past midfield.

11:31 — Do you like incompletions to Braylon Edwards that were well covered? Because we have two in a row for you! Act now, operators are standing by. Well, some are.

11:25 — Interception .. this time by the non-Trent Edwards developing quarterback. Ko Simpson dives gracefully and picks that shit off Quinn's arm. OR DID I JUST LIE TO YOU? Replays show the ball might've hit the ground between his arms. Cleveland's challenge is successful and the pass is just incomplete, and Trent Edwards is the only goat who throws picks in this game. Quinn is perfect, glimmering, and ... I shouldn't be having these feelings inside me right now.

11:21 — Great Moments In Punting History: Cribbs fair catching Moorman's kick will not be one of them. It was just meh.

11:19 — Great Moments In Obscure Stat History. Apparently a Stanford quarterback has never thrown a touchdown pass to a Cal-Berkeley player in the NFL, Tirico notes. (Kornheiser: "EVER!?!?!") If Edwards can dump one off to Lynch, that trend will end.

11:16 — Trying to prevent a huge gain by McKelvin, they pop up the kickoff and Fred Jackson returns it to the 40-yard line. Field position crisis averted!

11:13 — A point blank shot by Phil Dawson gives 'em a two-field goal lead.

26 20

11:12 — You felt this happening deep in your pancreas. Fourth and goal.

11:10 — And a nation outside of Cleveland is finally finding out who this Jerome Harrison guy is. He already has a career high in rushing yards (80) and gets a 21-yard catch down the sideline.

11:07 — Oh my. Kawika Mitchell pushes Harrison out of bounds and into a bench. Harrison stayed on the ground for a while, and Mitchell brings the flagginess for 15 yards. Thing is, replays show Harrison was still in bounds when the shove occurred. Per rule, Dwyane Wade will get two free throws.

11:07 — And back to incomplete passes by Brady Quinn. BOR-RING.

11:06 — Actually, the referees correct the kickoff play and since it went out of bounds at the 43-yard line, the ball will be placed there. Three yards of gain already and the ball hasn't been touched yet.

11:05 — That's not a touchdown. That's a kickoff out of bounds, which puts the ball at the 40-yard line. It also is currently the worst yardage gain by the Browns so far in the fourth.

11:02 — Sweet Klondike madness. Everybody is running great distances except for me. Leodis McKelvin responds to the 72-yard KO punch with a left hook of his own in the form of a kickoff TD. Two plays this quarter, two touchdowns. If this keeps up, we're looking at a 113-110 final score, which I can safely say will probably happen.

23 20

10:58 — Mildly ... unexpected. Backup back Jerome Harrison bursts through a bunch of Billsicles for 72 yards and a safe 10-point lead.

23 13

Third Quarter

10:56 — Romeo Crennel's mustache looks over-trimmed. Did anyone tell him this? Or is he just such a players' coach that nobody has the heart to tell him it doesn't look as venerable.

10:52 — Tirico: "No team has ever blown three straight 13-point leads." Go, history, go!

10:49 — Field goals just RULE. They should change the rules so that nothing but field goals can be scored. Lindell brings the Bills to within ... ANOTHER FIELD GOAL.

16 13

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #3
Final Jeopardy. Category: "Innovations In Nanotechnology." All part of a plan to make tiebreakers shorter than if the category was "NFL Rules." Also, players answering the question must wager Madden Rating points in next year's video game.

10:44 — I'm going to mark down "Tony Tries To Find Something Jaws Doesn't Know About Football" as Kornheiser poses the thought that a quarterback can have "too much time" in the pocket. (It didn't work, as you can tell.)

10:42 — It's too cold for anyone to slide feet first, it seems. Edwards scrambles down the middle and gets whumped. But it doesn't count, as offsetting penalties replay the down. Which means Edwards doesn't have a huge throbbing pain in his head right now. It didn't happen.

10:41 — I'm no lip-reader, but I'm pretty sure the field mic just picked up an errant "fucking horseshit" on that kick return.

10:37 — Just when Jaworski says anything disapproving or commending of either quarterback, either QB seems to negate the analysis and do the opposite ting in the next set of downs. Case in point, after a huge pass to Edwards near the 20-yard line, Quinn got his team into a 3rd and 17 hole, so they salvage a field goal.

16 10

10:34 — It sure was nice of Comcast to show the same James Bond commercial twice in a row.

10:30 — Quinn, with ample tracts of land ahead of him, runs for the first down, and gets out of bounds in the Bills sideline. He'll come to learn as a quarterback that you'll last longer if you run toward your own sideline.

10:26 — Interception by the Brow... wait, fumble? I didn't know there was another method of turnover that Buffalo was capable of. Shaun Smith's injury replacement Ahtyba Rubin jumps on the dropped ball.

10:24 — Shaun Smith was the injured Brown, adding him to the triage list with Sean Jones, who was hurt earlier. This leaves Shaun Rogers as the first string Shaun on the team. And, aw what the hell, why not throw in a fat joke. He's also the team's second-string Shaun.

10:23 — This injury timeout reminds me the decapitation rate in this game seems to be considerably lower than other MNF games.

10:17 — On third down, Winslow with a huge if-there-was-no-penalty-that'd-be-a-first-down catch.

10:15 — And we're back to action. Both quarterbacks are shaky, and Michel Tafoya stands on a sideline with a microphone to say this through the coach's words. Also, Mike Tirico uses the rosiness of Tafoya's nose to determine the weather on the field. He also uses the same tactic in the bedroom. Rawr.

Halftime Entertainment Video

If only this clip was the origin of the idiom "walking on eggshells." It is, however, the origin of "they'll put anyone on TV."

Old Man Jumps On Eggs Without Breaking Them - Watch more Free Videos

"Oh yes, it's definitely been jumped on." My goal tomorrow is to use that line, WITH the affected accent, in conversation without arousing suspicion.

Second Quarter

9:59 — Well then. It's almost like Edwards wanted the clock to run out. I mean, that's good protection by the offensive line, but ... how about giving the field goal a chance? He finally throws the ball out of bounds with three seconds left, giving Rian Lindell three more points on his resume to end the half.

13 10

9:57 — Hmm. Edwards got some yards, but running up the middle for 4 yards probably isn't the smartest call right now. He also hesitates to call a timeout, because, well, maybe there's a better option with 15 seconds left in the first half and the clock running. Like punt.

9:55 — Lynch dives for the outlet pass, gets back up and scrambles to the sideline for the first down, stopping the clock with :30 left.

9:54 — WILDCAT FORMATION. What iPhones are to bloggers, Wildcat is to NFL offenses. It's new, and because it's new it's better than everything else.

9:53 — The Bills have two minutes and about 30 yards to get some kind of pointage. Running it with Marshawn Lynch ... good idea, but not right now. They might have to use the forward pass now.

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #2
Penalty kicks. Kickers alternate making field goals starting at 30 yards and adding five yards every time. In the event both kickers make a 60 yard field goal, the kickers meet at midfield and have declare a thumb war.

9:49 — There's a raging debate on what the meaning of the word "quit" is, and whether or not the Browns fit that description. Might I remind everyone, the Browns lead a football game by six points on the road against a team with a winning record.

9:40 — Apple pie à la Beast Mode. The short pass turns into a moderately-long touchdown, and it's no longer an icy blowout.

13 7

9:39 — Unfortunately, Kornheiser said what I was thinking, only I couldn't make it into a joke, but he up 'n went with the "Coe-Ed" angle.

9:38 — Solid run by Coe College's Fred Jackson. Those MNF guys really like saying Coe College. Coe College. Hey, that is fun!

9:36 — SPORTSCENTERNEWSDESK UPDATE. In case you were hiding in your Avian flu bunker all day, Mark Cuban is being investigated for insider trading. Then again, is it REALLY privileged information that a search engine not named Google or Yahoo would quickly tank?

9:33 — Finally, a quarterback for the Browns scores a touchdown in this game. No, not that one. Endaround to The Pride Of Kent State, Josh Cribbs, is good for a 2-yard TD.

13 0

9:30 — Also, Jamal Lewis runs well even today. Didn't know that.

9:26 — Stop the snark, everyone. Quinn is leading these dudes downfield quite well. A photon laser to Braylon Edwards puts the ball on the good 32-yard line.

9:23 — Finally, the Browns got themselves a third down. And all it took was a penalty on the Bills' secondary. Really, this game's just about seeing who fucks up less. Maybe the Browns would be wise to just kneel thrice and punt.

9:22 — Jeez, the Browns sure know how to reach third down quickly. (It's one of their positives.)

First Quarter

9:19 — Great coffin punt by Moorman to pin the ball inside the 5-yard line. Really, if the team was just Moorman punting to McKelvin, they'd be down by fewer points right now. Also, see if you can spot the difference, Tony K.: George Catavalous, defensive backs coach. George Costanza, freelance architect.

9:18 — Well, that incompletion wasn't Edwards' fault. But it's less fun if we don't have a scapegoat.

9:16 — I kid Trent Edwards, but he no longer has more interceptions than he does completions. Because now, they're the same number (three).

9:16 — Leodis McKelvin gets another solid return. Maybe he should just line up at quarterback. Might as well.

9:14 — Another field goal for Cleveland, because getting a touchdown would be silly and rude.

6 0

9:12 — Mr. Owl, how many interceptions does it take to get a Tootsie quarterback benched?

(Brandon McDonald got this one.)

9:11 — Buffalo takes a 30-second timeout. They have 30-second timeouts? That'll be confusing if they have those in the playoffs.

In The Event Of A Tie, Proposal #1
Teams line up at midfield, and whichever referee blew the worst call the week before will flip a coin in the air, and the home team captain must call it in the air. Whoever wins the toss gets to pick which team wins and loses. The other team picks what side of the field they want to defend.

9:06 — Gak. Coming out of commercial, the camera found a the shirtless Buffalo fan who painted a Bills logo on his chest, then emptied out the last few drops of his shame by brandishing "ESPN" in red letters (catsup, most likely) on his belly. Don't ask where the "Sportscenter is Next" tattoo resides.

9:03 — Brian Moorman generously kicks the ball to the other team. So much for running the ball all the time. Shaun Rogers is just too fat for that to work.

9:02 — Could just be my cable feed, but during every play it sounds like someone is banging a screen door with a rubber mallet.

9:00 — As Kornheiser brings up Edwards' concussion, the evidence on the field contradicts the argument that his dinged up head is the reason for the two early picks. Clearly he's thinking soundly by handing the ball to Marshawn Lynch, preventing more interceptions. First down.

8:58 — Third and nope. The points are going to have to spring from Phil Dawson's kickin' loins.

3 0

8:52 — Quinn isn't gonna be anyone's whipping boy, he'll just bootleg that sucker to the right for a first down ... of course, Jaworski recommends that Quinn slide feet first, but that's something he'll quickly learn once Rodney Harrison disciples award Quinn his first NFL concussion sometime in 2009.

8:49 — Andra Davis gets in on the interception gangbang. Receptions by the Browns defense: 2. Receptions by the Bills offense: 1.

8:47 — Sure was nice of Willie McGinest to tackle Edwards forward for a yard.

8:44 — Brady Quinn sneaks an incomplete pass into the Browns first three-and-out, which is hopefully enough to subside the analysts ready to scrutinize his development.

8:42 — The Bills start with a good kickoff return, but felt they didn't deserve such nice field position, so Trent Edwards threw the ball into Shaun Rogers' hands, and it deflected into the gullet of an alert Kamerion Wimbley.

8:33 — Kornheiser: "Derek Anderson's QB rating was so low, if it was his body temperature, he'd be dead!" Either that or he'd have to marry this woman.

8:29 — The can't-get-a-football-job-anywhere-else guys in ESPN have made their predictions. It's almost a consensus pick for Buffalo, except for Keyshawn Johnson, who picked Cleveland because Ditka picked Buffalo. It's tough to argue that logic.

Pre-Game Babble

So Brady Quinn gets another start at night. Playing under the lights might be all he'll understand. Once he gets into the 1:00 fustercluck of games, and ESPN doesn't converge mob-style on his emergence as an NFL passer, perhaps he shrivels like a delicate flower and Tim Couchifies right on schedule.

Meanwhile, Buffalo is 5-4 and yet in last place in the AFC East by very little. A win puts them in 6-4, tied with New England and Miami, and one game behind the New Amsterdam Jets. Everybody's equal? I didn't sign up for no Animal Farm metaphor. Parity is only fun when you're playing Mario Kart and all the computer players keep beating each other and you can finish third all the time and still win the gold.

Also, it's cold in Buffalo tonight, which is urgent news. In preparation for being one with the common Buffalo fan, I will ice down my nipples after each change of possession.

Let's Fix The Tie Rule Tonight

If you've watched any TV or listened to any TV-less radio today, you will realize that the tie rule in the NFL is a travesty upon humanity and must be abolished immediately, because our ancestors sailed away from Europe for this very reason. True story. Someone must win or lose all the time. Even if both teams played great and the announcer says "you hate to see someone lose this game," the announcer is wrong and probably a dirty Welshman. Therefore, to do our part to stay part of North America, stay tuned throughout the live blog as we provide new and fun alternatives for breaking ties in the National Football League.

Tonight's Bingo Card

Some key Thursday Night Football observations:

• Cutler owned McDonald, including beating him on TD passes of 93 yards to Eddie Royal and the 11-yard winner to Brandon Marshall with 1:14 remaining. Which is quite ironic considering this.

• Speaking of Marshall, he was all prepared to make his big salute to Barack Obama after the winning touchdown, planning to pull out a black-and-white glove and give a stirring upraised-fist salute to the world. But then teammates reminded him that it might draw a penalty, which could lose them the game. And what good is world peace if you begin each day by being beaten to a fine paste and hung on a coat hook in your locker?

• Quinn was 23-of-35 for 239 yards and 2 TDs, both to Winslow, who, presumably, went home after the game to shower.

These videos were taken last season, when this anonymous Browns fan — we'll call him Doyle, because he reminds me of the Dwight Yoakum stepfather character in Sling Blade — was quite comfortable with the way things were playing out in his world. But as Busted Coverage points out, now "there's a black guy in the White House, and Brady Quinn is at the helm of his Browns." And suddenly redneck drunk guy's existence makes no sense. What could he be thinking on the eve of Quinn's debut as starter? Watch him drunkenly rock out to other great soft rock hits from the '70s following the jump.

My favorite part: When the guy shooting the video surmises that the drunken fan "has to be from Tennessee."

Redneck Wakes Up To Black Guy In White House, Brady Quinn At Helm Of His Browns [Busted Coverage]

CPD columnist Tony Grossi says the move was inevitable:

Quinn doesn't have the RPMs on his throws that Anderson does. But what the Browns lose in torque, they gain in accuracy and, based on Quinn's major college career, field leadership and perhaps huddle presence.

The Browns have to find out who is the quarterback to lead the team to the Super Bowl. Quinn deserves to start the final eight games, time enough to develop a rhythm with the front-line players previously denied him.

The Browns better hope that Quinn is the player for whom Phil Savage traded two high picks in 2007 to acquire. Nobody can say the Browns forced him in ahead of his time. If anything, they waited too long.

Thursday night's game just became so much more compelling and watchable. I wonder if the NFL forced the Browns to make this move so the the NFL network could infiltrate some of the "Grey's Anatomy" audience?

More tomorrow on this, obviously...
Cleveland Browns announce that Brady Quinn will start this Thursday at quarterback [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
Browns couldn't wait any longer to make Quinn quarterback [CPD]

Winslow's appeal of his one-game suspension has been pushed back to Tuesday, meaning that he will miss Sunday's game in Jacksonville, so adjust your fantasy rosters accordingly. Winslow is seeking to recoup his $235,294 game check from last Sunday, lost when the Browns suspended him for one game for "conduct detrimental to the team." The ruling, however, will not likely end the controversy surrounding Winslow and his medical condition.

Sports' weirdest controversy centers around Winslow's condition, at first believed to be some sort of swelling of the testicles, then identified as a staph infection. When Winslow wanted to speak out about the true nature of his condition — and what he perceived as insensitivity by the Browns toward him while he was in the hospital — the team slapped him with the rather large penalty. At this point it's not even certain that Winslow actually had a staph infection. But one thing is certain: Staph has become an epidemic in NFL locker rooms, and most teams, like the Browns, are going to great lengths to keep it quiet.

This certain strain of staph — or, Staphylococcus aureus, as it should be referred to at formal dinner parties — is a bacterial infection that's resistant to the broad-spectrum antibiotics commonly used to treat it. It's something that until 10 years ago cropped up mainly in hospitals or nursing homes, but recently a certain strain has emerged in the professional sports community.

"Modern professional athletes have been taking antibiotics since they were kids, and quite simply, many of them have become resistant," said Alice Barron, director of OrthoSport Physical Therapy in Elkridge, Md., who was formerly on the athletic training staff at Stanford University. "Infections in pro sports settings have run rampant, period. You're seeing it now with healthier people."

In two of the more higher profile cases, Tom Brady has had setbacks in his rehabilitation due to knee infections, and on Thursday it was revealed that Peyton Manning had a staph infection that delayed his recovery from a knee injury this season.

“Staph or MRSA infections develop from person-to-person contact, shared towels, soaps, improperly cleaned whirlpools and sports equipment,” said Ron Courson, head athletic trainer at the University of Georgia in Athens. “Such infections usually appear first as pimples, pustules and boils.

"The pustules may be confused with insect bites in early states. The infections may also be associated with previous existing turf burns or abrasions. Without proper referral and care, more serious infections may cause pneumonia, bloodstream infections or surgical wound infections.”

Winslow says that he spoke out about his condition to, in part, protect his teammates. But Savage appeared on WTAM radio in Cleveland on Thursday saying that Winslow "really called into question the integrity of our medical staff and our organization.

"After all of us had been through since 2005, the comments really called into question the integrity of our medical staff and the organization as a whole," Savage said. "To compromise that trust after the Browns had stood by Kellen through the motorcycle episode and knowing without question we had done everything in our power to combat this staph infection problem, it just showed a lack of professional restraint.

"The Browns are bigger than one person, bigger than Randy Lerner, bigger than Romeo Crennel, bigger than me and bigger than any player on this team.

"We couldn't and won't allow one person to tear down the organization, so we had to do something."

Who is right here? Does it matter? There's a bigger problem at large than Winslow or the Browns; the NFL has itself a nice little epidemic, and needs to step up and address the problem.

Official Statement On Community-Acquired MRSA Infections [National Athletic Trainers' Association]
Winslow Case Set For Tuesday As Savage, Rosenhaus State Their Cases [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

This marks the third straight week that Winslow has sat out all or most of a Browns game due to what at first was reported as an undisclosed illness, which was then soon rumored to be "swollen testicles," technically known as hydrocele. The truth turned out to be that Winslow was suffering from a staph infection, which is something else entirely, and evidently something the Browns have had a real problem with in recent seasons. Winslow — understandably, in my opinion — wanted the swollen testicles rumors to stop, and claimed that the Browns were no help in that regard.

Winslow, who spent three days at the Cleveland Clinic earlier this month with an undisclosed illness, revealed he had a staph infection. He also complained that the team, which has had at least six cases of staph in the past three years, asked him to hide his illness. Winslow criticized general manager Phil Savage for not checking on him while he was in the hospital, said he felt like he was being treated like a "piece of meat," and revealed he considered requesting a trade.

So upon hearing Winslow's criticism, the Browns lowered the boom with the one-game suspension. The Browns cited privacy laws and Winslow's wishes when they initially declined to identify his medical condition. But when Winslow himself wanted the truth to be known, they told him to clam up. This did not sit well with Winslow. From the Washington Post:

"Regardless of how this was released the information would still remain the same," Winslow said. "I contracted staph, again. I spoke out on this because I felt it was the right thing to do and that is why I was so passionate about it. This has nothing to do with football and this has nothing to with my current contract situation. This is a health concern.

"I care deeply for my organization, my teammates, and the Browns fans. At no time was I ever trying to cause distress for the team or be a distraction but the fact remains there is a health issue that needs to be addressed further."

I'd be interested to hear from Browns fans as to their take on this. To me the team is totally in the wrong. I'd want to be traded too; you mess with my balls, you have a problem, suits.

Browns Suspend Kellen Winslow For 'Disparaging' Remarks [USA Today]

"I'm not going to tell you exactly," Winslow said. "It was really the Cleveland Browns' decision to keep it undisclosed and I agree with that. Just because I catch a football doesn't mean I should tell what's wrong with me or what happened. I'm back and I'm happy to be back. I think I'm good to go.

"I just feel because I play professional football and can catch a football, it doesn't mean I should let people into my personal business."

The AP story states that Winslow would not confirm nor deny that he was hospitalized due to an "infection." Winslow was in good spirits, though, and joked with reporters that he's determined to play this weekend if the team lets him.

"I'm a soldier," he said with a laugh while referencing the infamous postgame rant he made as an All-American at Miami. "I can joke about it now, man. It's just playing football. You're going to have to deal with pain, and this league is what have you done for me lately? I just enjoy being on the field."

Nicely done.

Browns' Winslow practices, could play Sunday [AP]

Edwards channeled the JoePa mojo to catch five passes for 154 yards and a touchdown to lead the Browns 35-14 over the Giants. Eli Manning threw three interceptions, giving him plenty to review on his new video system down at the Jersey condo. More importantly, Derek Anderson threw for 310 yards and two touchdowns, pushing Brady Quinn back to second place on the depth chart perhaps for good and giving John McCain serious cause for reflection.

About the game: Did not like, Eric Wright's Deion Sanders impression during his 94-yard interception return for a touchdown. I still prefer this Eric Wright, since he owns four Super Bowl rings. Did like: The fact that the Browns did it without Kellen Winslow. Also, their throwback helmets.

So another pretty amazing upset this week, and the Browns' first Monday night win since 1993. I can't help but feel that this is all a setup for an elaborate letdown later on, but hey, the Bone Lady is partying tonight.

A Night To Remember: Explosive Browns Overwhelm Super Bowl Champ Giants, 35-14 [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

[D]ebra has realized that she is simply following her soul's path and only by doing that will she be truly happy. She is certain that so many of the positive things that have happened to her are because of this character she has created and her decision to follow her dream. She was honored in the Visa Hall of Fans at the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio as the 2001 Fan of The Year for the Cleveland Browns. She has had opportunities to work with many charities and also promote sportsmanship with other ultimate fans while inspiring people to "be who they are." "Debra Darnall has been the life of the party ever since the Browns returned."

Okay! Cleveland is getting up to 9 points at home through numerous handicappers, which given the, ahem, struggles some other NFC East teams have had this weekend with presumably lesser opponents, it could be worth siding with the Bone Lady's allegiances for this week. Stay right here to talk about all things football. Move upstairs to watch Deadspin live blog the Phillies/Dodgers. Also a number that bettors should be interested in — the Phillies are 4-0 when Sussman live blogs them this season.

Enjoy the games tonight....

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin and other internet destinations where the SKEETS have no name.

Cleveland Browns' BoneLady [The Zone Blitz]
About Me [Bonelady.com]

OK, so it wasn't exactly LeBron James, or even Cliff Lee. But you take what you can get. From the Cleveland Plain Dealer:

Never mind that Quinn's popularity is all about image and hope, with little game experience to back it up — the same qualities McCain accuses Democratic candidate Sen. Barack Obama of at each stop. In Strongsville, he and Palin sent the sharper attacks they have been leveling at Obama this week to the bench and pulled the backup Quinn off it to add a little more pep to an already boisterous rally.

Here's some video of the event. At the end, McCain tells Quinn "Good luck this Sunday." Does he know the Browns are playing the Giants?

McCain, Palin Let The Dogs Out In Strongsville [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
Brady Quinn Stumps For John McCain [19actionnews]
For Those Of You Who Have Any Lingering Lust For Brady Quinn [Towleroad]

Quinn is entering his second season as an NFL quarterback and his coming out party was sidetracked last season after Anderson inexplicably emerged as a Pro Bowl quarterback. The Cleveland Plain Dealer's Terry Pluto suggests Anderson may be suffering a "crisis of confidence" which is not something any team that starts 0-3 is willing to work through.

Crennel indicates Quinn will get a few more reps in practice [ESPN]
QB Quandary: What's Wrong With Anderson? [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

Today: The Cleveland Browns. Your author is Michael Desmond.

Michael Desmond is the former editor of the Orange & Brown Report.

There is no spectacle so cruel and prolonged as an NFL franchise forced back to reality after a bout of unexpected greatness. The 2007 Chicago Bears will tell you. A stellar defense, some happy scheduling, and the unexpected—if intermittent—competence of Rex Grossman took the Bears all the way to the Super Bowl in 2006.

Today the Bears have plunged headlong into irrelevance. Outside of the occasional Devin Hester kick return, the most interesting thing about the team could be Kyle Orton's neck beard.

I bring all this up because the Cleveland Browns may be flirting with irrelevance. And not the ho-hum, Detroit Lions, look they're losing again kind of irrelevance reserved for fans of the Millen-led Lions, Arizona Cardinals and (absent a brief outburst of success) Cincinnati Bengals. We're talking about the angry, scorned-media irrelevance that occurs when a hyped-up franchise craps the bed and makes entire broadcast networks look stupid for scheduling a half dozen prime time games for the team.

And honestly, if it all goes down, it's not the Browns fault. Cleveland General Manager Phil Savage is a conniving genius who could swindle a first-round pick out of Vladimir Putin, but all the sleight of hand in the world can't fix what the NFL has dropped on his doorstep. And that is, the NFC East.

Pity the Browns. They are a promising, up-and-coming team with a lot to like on both lines. Outside of the building calamity at cornerback—where the team is one sprained ankle away from putting the NFL equivalent of Dan Quayle on the field—this club is solid.

Derek Anderson may or may not be a statuesque fraud with a rocket arm, but Brady Quinn offers promise as his understudy. Jamal Lewis continues to look great and there's decent talent behind him in the steady Jason Wright and the electric Jerome Harrison. Joe Thomas could be the team's best straight-up, first-round draft pick since Clay Matthews (Ozzie Newsome, Bernie Kosar and Kellen Winslow were all drafted via traded picks). Yes, first-rounder Braylon Edwards is a great wide receiver, but Thomas—a Pro Bowler at left tackle as a rookie—could be transcendent.

On defense, the acquisitions of Shaun Rogers and Corey Williams transform an overmatched 3-4 defensive front into a position of strength. Rogers, criticized for laziness in Detroit, has been dominant at the point. This is a welcome sight after years of watching tomato cans like Jason Fisk, Ethan Kelley and Babatunde Oshinowo get plowed under by opposing offensive lines.

It also means that the still-youthful linebacking corps (outside of methuselean Willie McGinest) is officially out of excuses. The Browns have poured a ton of resources into this unit over the years and gotten very little in return. Kamerion Wimbley, a first round pick in 2006, is officially on notice.

But that secondary. If sophomore corners Eric Wright and Brandon McDonald suffer so much as a paper cut, that secondary could make Joe Flacco look like Joe Montana. And that means one thing: The Cleveland Browns will be forced to play high-risk, high-reward pass defense, getting after the quarterback if they hope to prevent the secondary from looking like Dresden circa 1945.

The thing is, this plan could work… if it were 2007. In 2007, the Cleveland Browns lucked out and played perhaps the easiest schedule in pro football. They feasted on freshly collapsed rivals in Baltimore and Cincinnati. They got fat off the largesse of the AFC East, which coughed up Division 1-AA quality opponents like the New York Jets and Miami Dolphins. There were games against Oakland, Arizona, Houston, and I think McNeese State ... To call the Browns 2007 slate a cake walk is an insult to walking cakes everywhere.

But if karma is a bitch, the NFL schedule makers are its master. This Browns teams would finish 12-4, win the AFC North and possibly enjoy the fruits of a first round bye in the playoffs with last year's schedule. Instead, they open against the talented, preening, narcissist-fueled spectacle that is the Dallas Cowboys. They have back-to-back October games against the Redskins and the Giants (who absolutely pasted the Browns' starters in pre-season), and a late season tilt with the Iggles.

Then there are the Colts, Titans and Jaguars. Even with conference rivals Cincinnati and Baltimore both poised to struggle, there will be few easy outs.

Still, it could happen. This Cleveland Browns team, which hasn't enjoyed a sustained run of success since—and I am not making this up—1989, has actually been built for the long haul. Given one more season to spackle over the ugly holes in the secondary and to scrape together a pass rush, this team could actually be as good as people are saying it is.

For $228,806 in unpaid taxes. For his part Kosar claims the bills got lost in the mail after his divorce from wife, Babette, led to a new address. Has any marriage to a woman named Babette not ended in divorce? We linked this in blogdome but that was before Kosar added a chef to his enemy list. Yep, Kosar is also embroiled in a feud with his business partner, Dan Heri— a former chef at the inventively named Bernie Kosar's Steakhouse.

In pertinent part Kosar and his chef have been engaging in email warfare. Which the Miami Herald nicely excerpts:

Harri: ''Kosar Hospitality owes me . . . I have kept very low profile on this.'' Kosar: ``I went way above what I should to help you and you haven't even repaid one thing let alone all the mess and crimes I am cleaning up from you.''

Harri: ''Am available . . . if you would like to discuss.'' Kosar: ``U ungrateful stupid idiot . . . You can rot in hell . . . You aren't even close to professional.''

U disappoint us so, Bernie. Am I the only person hoping he has to file for bankruptcy so we can see what he spends on hair products each year?

Bernie Kosar gets thrown for a loss by the IRS [Miami Herald]
Bernie Kosar flagged by the IRS for delay of payment [SportsByBrooks]

It's no big deal. Lots of quarterbacks wear tights when it's 100 degrees outside. Like...yeah, there's no real good comparison here. Am I the only person who pictures Brady Quinn angrily throwing down his Ripped Fuel in the locker room and squealing, "Darn it guys, they're not tights. They're European leg warmers."

Derek Anderson=Browns savior. Even Oregon State fans are shocked.

The differences between horse balls and Brady Quinn [Busted Coverage]
Those tights are fabuloth [With Leather]

A topless — and really, really hot — photo of the Cleveland Browns quarterback has been used to promote a dating website for months. The only problem — nobody cleared it with Brady! A rep for the Cleveland Browns tells us Brady had no knowledge of the ad saying, "He was not involved in posting photos."

Brady's lawyer has already taken action and has sent a cease and desist letter to the website today, demanding all photos of him be removed ASAP.

I found this item over at TMZ, and as nearly as I can figure, it was Towleroad which first found the photo. Well played, gentlemen.

Cleveland Browns QB Brady Quinn In Gay M4M Ad [Towleroad]
Brady Quinn Scrambles Over Gay Dating Scandal [TMZ]

A few quick hits as I prepare four posts about the Steelers' pick at 23:

• Just in time, Dickipedia has added a Mel Kiper, Jr. entry. No doubt some of his curt comments to Todd McShay will flesh that out by the end of the day.
• Already, Jake Long is making designs on his sizeable contract. And oooooohhhhhhweeeee, he's buying a Ford. Even though his daddy works for GMC. Least interesting rebellion ever. You work for Budweiser, dad? Well, here's Coors Light in your eye!
• Marvel at the throbbing excitement that is the Cleveland Browns' war room. The Power and the Glory soundtrack makes an soporific scene enticing.
• And, yes, Jets fans are bracing for the worst. And, failing that, bewbs!

  (Pic credit to The700Level)

Maybe Derek Anderson was advised not to sign anything until he became a free agent; ergo, he rejected the Cleveland Browns' contract, and it became a story. Once midnight finally struck, Anderson looked at the offer and became overcome with emotion. "Oh, wow, a multi-year deal!" And that was the next story.

See folks, ESPN's on top of this story, from beginning to end. And you thought they were just conflicting headlines on their front page, which were seen in unison this morning perhaps as early as 10:45 a.m. when twoeightnine pointed it out to me, and as late as 11:25 a.m. Sheesh, give them a little credit, people.

Report: Anderson Gets Multiyear Deal From Browns [ESPN]

Aside: After I typed this up, I soon realized I was wearing a fleece emblazoned with the ESPN logo. While I'm not too worried, I am beginning to feel some tingling in my chest area. Probably just temporary.

Quinn, denying all:

"At no time that night was I involved in a verbal or physical altercation, nor did I have any interaction with the police," Quinn said in the statement. "I want to be clear that I did not engage in any of the alleged conduct, nor did I make inappropriate comments to anyone. Any allegations to the contrary are either untrue or the result of misidentification."

But ...

However, Columbus police said when they arrived Quinn was arguing with 32-year-old Jason Thompson.

Oops. Looks like another congressional hearing on the horizon. I hope they get to the bottom of this; I'm sure we all have questions. Like, who spends New Year's Eve in Columbus, Ohio?

Brady Quinn Denies Altercation, Hurling Anti-Gay Slur [USA Today]
Brady Quinn Attacks His Only Fans Left [Deadspin]

Apparently, Quinn ended up outside a gay bar, where he tried to start a fight and began firing off the slurs.

On the 9-1-1 call, Harris said that "Brady Quinn from the Browns" was "trying to cause a fight." Harris told the operator, "I just walked outside and he exchanged many profanities with me and called me a faggot, of course."

Reached Monday by The Plain Dealer, Harris confirmed that Quinn was the person who used the slur. "I knew who it was," he said. "It wasn't just directed at me, there were other people around, too."

Considering Quinn's fanbase — that is to say, at this point, his only fans — is largely gay men, we are not sure this was the wisest move to make. Of course, because Quinn is a human being, it's also discouraging to see Quinn act like such a dick. We knew he was a dope ... but we wouldn't have suspected gathering with a gaggle of friends for some gay-taunting.

Of course, considering most of the photos of Quinn that have popped up, perhaps it's just an involved, complicated mating dance.

Brady Quinn Part Of Rowdy Group Outside Columbus Bar, Witness Says [Clevescene]

Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown wrote a letter to NFL conquistador d'amore Roger Goodell, imploring him to recognize the 1948 Cleveland Browns as one of two — aw, who are we kidding, three — perfect teams in pro football history:

Dear Commissioner Goodell,

I want to bring to your attention a disparity in the records of professional football. While the National Football League (NFL) compiles player statistics from the All-America Football Conference (AAFC), it does not capture team and championship records.

...

The records of the AAFC preserve an important era in professional football and provide a greater understanding of the history of your sport. Capturing and recording the history from the founding years of one of your greatest franchises will add to the great sense of pride felt by fans of the Browns and the other NFL teams that once participated in the AAFC.

One more gem from the letter:

I wish to take nothing away from the undefeated 1973 Miami Dolphins...

Yeah, yeah, "your tax dollars at 'work' " and such. But think of it this way: when politicians use company stationary to make petulant points about athletics, it makes blogging at work seem less criminal.

Senator Brown Asks NFL To Recognize 1948 Browns Perfect Season [Plain Dealer]
Sen. Brown's Letter To Goodell (PDF)

(Heads up thanks to Fark)

Quinn could be sitting behind Anderson for a while now, which is fitting, since "sitting" is pretty much all he did all day during the NFL Draft. And it's looking like Quinn's contract holdout this year could be a historically awful decision.

Had Brady Quinn not held out and, instead, shown up at training camp on time, he (by all accounts) would have at least secured the backup role behind incumbent starter Charlie Frye. Because of the money owed to Quinn, the Browns surely would have let Anderson go and put their new golden boy in the backup role. Then, when they traded Frye after week one, Quinn would have been ideally placed to take over as the starter. Instead, he held out and while his agent haggled over escalator clauses and what amounted to about a $500,000 difference, Brady sat in Arizona and missed valuable time in which he could have been learning the offense.

Fortunately ... the man can dance. Kind of.

Brady Quinn Continues To Wait [Rumors And Rants]

• We know, the Buzzsaw are now 6-6 and holding on to the final wild-card spot in the NFC, but seriously now: That was a catch by Kellen Winslow at the end of the game, and the Browns should have won. We have never understood the notion that any play in football isn't "reviewable" by instant replay. Sure it's reviewable; we just watched it, and totally reviewed it. Kellen Winslow was pushed out of bounds; if there had been no one there, he would have landed in bounds. The replay clearly shows that. So why can't we rely on the replay again? (Still: We are not complaining. Tied for the wild-card in Week 13? Woo!)

• Do Buffalo fans feel bad that their team ruined the all-set-up Redskins overcoming adversity with victory story? We doubt it; they've had enough heartache themselves. We're not sure why the Redskins are honoring Sean Taylor's memory any less by losing, really.

• The Dolphins definitively have the look of a team that will go winless. It's kind of exciting to watch; we wonder if John Beck will be the NFL's equivalent of Jeremy Bonderman, a guy who has a historically bad rookie season and matures into a decent player.

• Drew put it exactly right last week, concerning, "Philly crowd's affinity for inconsistent white quarterbacking over inconsistent black quarterbacking." We can get over the A.J. Feeley thing now, right? Meanwhile, the Seahawks are setting themself up for a No. 3 seed in the NFC, which also tells you all you need to know about the NFC.

• Eli Manning is keeping the Giants just afloat enough to make the ultimate collapse that much more entertaining and devastating.

• Actually, all you need to know about the NFC is this: If they Vikings make the playoffs, they might be Dallas' most dangerous competition.

• Forgive us if we spare you the "outrage" over the ending of the Browns-Ravens game yesterday. It certainly seems like the NFL reviewed a play they weren't supposed to be able to review, which, you know, is fine, because it's right. The fact that a particular play is officially "not reviewable" is stupid; we assure you, it's reviewable; we just reviewed it, right now. You can't stop us. The call was correct. Who cares about the boring protocols? We're going to have to deal with three or four days this week of, essentially, a bunch of people arguing about linguistics in the user's manual. Yawn. The right call ended up being made, and the whole play looked cool to boot. Can we move on?

• With Kevin Everett addressing his Bills in a pregame message last night, we can't imagine what the atmosphere in Ralph Wilson Stadium must have like. A downright inspirational night. Which makes those repeated going-for-it-on-Fourth-And-One while having a 30 point lead that much more entertaining. Sorry, we agree with Simmons: Having the Patriots around does make the NFL more enjoyable, particularly when someone knocks them on their ass. Though we suppose that will have to actually happen.

• The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals is still one game behind the apparently competent Seattle Seahawks, but here's their schedule the rest of the way: Home against San Francisco, Cleveland, Atlanta and St. Louis, Road against Seattle and New Orleans. Four wins out of those should get them in the playoffs, which is exactly where Peter King predicted yesterday. Which means it's probably not happening now.

• You know, for a brief moment, we were actually kind of excited to see Detroit playing on Thanksgiving for once. Oops.

• So here would be a great irony: The Chargers stumble into the playoffs at 9-7, thanks to their lousy division, and suddenly Norv Turner drives the team through a series of upsets and wins the Super Bowl. Won't happen, obviously, but it's fun to think of a scenario that's the exact opposite of what most people thought would occur preseason.

• Rex Grossman is now the least of the Bears problems.

• One last thing on the Ravens-Browns ending: We love it when a team believes it has won and then is called back on the field. We really love it when a team makes it all the way back to their locker room and is forced to return. Failure is always just a tiny step away from victory ... but it's usually not that close.

Gillette wants you to come hang out with Brady Quinn in New York.

Four lucky people can win a meeting with the hottest man in the NFL in New York as part of a Gillette promotion with Facebook.

Fans need to upload photos or videos of themselves with their "game face," which I assume to mean how fans get ready to watch their favorite games. Quinn helpfully outlines the rules in a short video on the Gillette site; there's also a behind-the-scenes video that shows him getting makeup applied and looking all lathered up. The contest ends Dec. 3, and the winner gets to take three people to meet Quinn in New York.

You can upload your videos here. If enough of us submit videos, dammit, someone from this odd Deadspin planet has to win, right?

Win Face Time With Brady Quinn [OutSports]

Vikings running Jesus, Adrian Peterson, has 45 yards on nine carries. But Packers rookie Ryan Grant has 92 yards on 12 carries, including a nice 30-yard TD. Musonius Rufus, anybody? Anybody? Packers 13, Vikings 0

Stephen Jackson finally found the end zone, punching in a 2-yard touchdown near the end of his first quarter. Up next? Waldo! Rams 17, Saints 7

I love when a safety fucks up the look of an NFL score. Royals 8, Rockies 6.

The Klaus Daimler, Thanks A Lot For Not Picking Me Games
Redskins 12, Eagles 7
Jaguars 14, Titans 3
Dolphins 3, Bills 0
Panthers 10, Falcons 7

Well, he's making some bad bets with Rodney Peete. (Oh, hey, look: Rodney Peete!) Apparently Brady, quite wisely, wagered that Notre Dame would beat USC last weekend. Smart! His penance: Wearing a USC jersey. As usual, Brady's just worried about his smooth, smooth skin.

So, for the day's interview, the Browns QB pulled the #10 cardinal-and-gold item out of his locker, and slipped it on. But Brady did come prepared: "That's why I've got extra layers on, so it doesn't actually touch any part of my body.

So does this mean he always makes bets with former NFL quarterbacks? If so, the above picture is easily explained by a failed bet with Kordell Stewart.

Brady Quinn Wears USC Jersey After Losing Bet [Sports By Brooks]

• Ben Roethlisberger threw 12 passes yesterday, and four of them were for touchdowns. Meanwhile, Charlie Frye ... you know, it's not like this guy is Tim Couch. Last year, some legitimately thought he might be the future quarterback. Now he's not even the quarterback of the second half of the opener. Maybe he should bounce his head off some pavement, then wait a year.

• We haven't talked to Daulerio yet this morning, but we can't imagine Eagles fans are going to smiling any time they force another team to punt any time this season. This is what happens when you let Andy Reid's sons return kicks. Free Jeremy Bloom!

• We have been crossing our fingers that we would see some Jared Lorenzen this year. Oh, and isn't Reuben Droughns supposedly on that team? The Giants were peeled off the field with rather large spatulas. We think it would be funny if Tiki Barber said, "Just kidding!" and came back to the team. Would make for some fun practices.

• In two weeks, we're going to head to Ralph Wilson Stadium for the Bills-Jets game. We cannot fathom how difficult it must be to live as a Bills fan. The world is just one big nutpunch for those guys.

• You guys here? The Patriots made same changes in the offseason, and they seem to have been effective.

• We suspect we speak for a lot of people when we express our joy at seeing Keith Olbermann back doing highlights for NBC last night. A little of Olbermann goes a long way, but it was pure pleasure to hear him do schtick from before it was cool, and then not cool, to do schtick. In fact, we enjoyed the whole NBC "Football Night In America" telecast, though, all told, we prefer the announcers' table more than the players' table.

Creepy Kellen Winslow Video [Miami Sports Blog]

Some picks!

• AJ Daulerio: Ravens, Steelers, Bengals, Browns.
• Kissing Suzy Kolber: Steelers, Bengals, Browns, Ravens.
• Robert Weintraub, Slate: Steelers, Ravens, Bengals, Browns.
• Matt Pitzer, USA Today: Steelers, Bengals, Ravens, Browns.
• Aaron Schatz, Football Outsiders: Steelers, Ravens, Bengals, Browns.
• Sports Illustrated: Bengals, Ravens, Steelers, Browns.
• DEADSPIN: Bengals, Ravens, Steelers, Browns. We have Carson Palmer in almost every one of our fantasy leagues. (Sorry, Rob.) We could look at that picture of Brian Billick all day.

As always, we know nothing.

Your author is Monday Morning Punter, one of the mad minds behind Kissing Suzy Kolber. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—--

I don't know what it is about ridiculing Cleveland that gives me such a hardon. As a Bengals fan, I'm naturally inclined to find joy in bashing the Browns, either from writing verses that rhyme with "Winslow" or devising multiple ways of saying "You suck, Cleveland!" I mean, why show any respect to a franchise whose colors were inspired by feces, fresh vomit and semen? But, as an Ohio native, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle seal, I don't know what is. And so, I come today to praise the Cleveland Browns, not to bury them. In fact, they're a team with a rich history—one tied to the Bengals' very creation—and a semi-promising future.

This whole Bengals-Browns thing got started in 1962. Browns owner Art Modell, perhaps in a microcosmic precursor to buttfucking an entire city, canned Hall of Fame coach Paul Brown, the culmination of a bitter power struggle, perhaps fueled by forbidden gay lust that both men felt toward one another. The proud head coach packed up his shit, sold his stake in the team, and, like so many people who visit Cleveland, got the fuck out of town. He would later team up with Ohio's governor and lead a successful effort to bring an AFL franchise to Cincinnati. When the Bengals began play in 1968, Brown dressed his team in black and orange uniforms nearly identical to those of his former NFL club. After the merger in 1970, the Browns and Bengals were set in the same division, and a rivalry was born.

Paul Brown died in 1991. I don't know if he was actually gay or not. I hate his fucking kid though, Mike Brown. Cheapest fucking owner in the league, except for maybe Ralph Wilson. If I had three wishes, I would wish for (the first) a fur jacket, (the second) a flying car, and (the third) for Mike Brown to get run over by a garbage truck.

This is not the story of that garbage truck.

But anyway, some 25 years later, Modell packed up his shit and moved his organization to Baltimore, leaving a de-activated Browns franchise (complete with its eight league titles and 16 Hall-of-Famers) in his wake. Buying the rights to the franchise and resurrecting the team was the late bank magnate/rich bastard Al Lerner, who some people don't know actually helped Modell move the original organization out of town. Al Lerner was a Marine, just like KSK's own Matt Ufford. But the big difference is when Ufford does something nice, he only dies on the inside...

As Lerner rebuilt the organization, suggestions were sent from the League office: How about finally putting a logo on those damned helmets, they would ask. It really is a polarizing issue; most football fans either love the logo-less helmets or hate them. Or they're Ken Jennings, the Jeopardy! savant who is so full of shit that he thinks the field of orange actually is the logo. Lerner, in his wisdom, recognized the historical significance of being decal-free, and the team reprised its original look.

Ken Jennings? Yeah, lucky shot, dude. Herb Stempel is not impressed.

Hey, by the way, what the fuck was up with James Frey last year? I mean, this work isn't exactly the bee's knees but, goddamn, son. "The Super Bowl isn't going to happen. Maybe someday, but not now. I'm so sad. Girls won't talk to me. I burned my toast. Wah wah wah." What a pussy. I mean, if my johnson fell off rolled into a sewer (which it could; my foreskin is very aerodynamic), I still don't think I'd be that depressed. Dicks grow back, right? Right?

Hold on, what the fuck was I...oh yeah. So um, this second coming of the Browns hasn't really been super-awesome. Since coming out of that coma in 1999, they've already told two head coaches to pack up their shit, as the team has finished at or above .500 only one time in eight years. While some teams in this league seem content to just collect their revenue-sharing money and not stick any back into the product on the field, (I'm looking at you, Ralph Wilson), the Browns have made a plethora of investments that, simply, haven't realized gain. Tim Couch. Butch Davis. LeCharles Bentley. Kellen Winslow's bike. The list goes on.

To their credit, the front office still spent money this offseason. They snagged some nice personnel upgrades from their division rivals in free agency, including the versatile OL Eric Steinbach from the Bengals, as well as RB Jamal Lewis, who rushed for 1,132 yards and 9 TDs with the Ravens last season. Plus Ted Washington bought some fresh brass for the stripper pole in his basement. So there's that.

The Browns did have a great draft this past April. GM Phil Savage wisely spent his No. 3 overall pick on Wisconsin's Joe Thomas, a cornerstone left tackle that Browns fans were eager to welcome. The same could not be said for the posh Brady Quinn who, after being showered with praise for being so "pro ready," lacked the poise to wait in an empty green room before finally being selected 22nd overall, at quite a bargain. And if that wasn't enough, they also snagged CB Eric Wright in Round 2, giving the Browns three players with first-round grades, but also the Fat White Guy-Prissy White Guy-Black Guy With Legal Trouble trifecta. If none of them pan out on the field, maybe they could make Beverly Hills Cop 4.

A quick aside on Quinn, who may or may not have been packing someone else's shit before waiting to hear his name called this past April: Oh sure, he may possess all the physical attributes and throwing mechanics that have pro scouts masturbating in their motel rooms at night. But I look at that asshole and can't help but ask, This is your savior, Browns fans? The guy that spends more on hair care in a year than Parma's median income? He's the one that's going to dig you out of the doldrums of the AFC North? Really?

Fuck me, this preview is booor-ring! Did I really write this? I gotta be honest, I haven't read any of these all the way through this year. At least Frey's was short. That guy knows a thing or two about writing previews. I mean, this one's okay, you're getting some insight. I'm gonna beat the shit out of Chris Mottram the next time I see him. Then I'm gonna eat a sandwich. Hang on, stay with me, we're almost there...

Anyway, the front office can't win games. Negro Bowl excludee Romeo Crennell must shoulder the blame for the team's recent ineptitude; his club has neither momentum nor progress to show for his efforts over the past two seasons. His staff will be breaking in its third offensive coordinator in twelve months; former Chargers TE Coach/Next Great Offensive Mind Rod Chudzinski will literally try to produce chicken salad from chicken shit, inheriting a unit that finished 31st in total offense last season. Hehe. Unit.

It's probably worth noting that the Browns play in one of the NFL's better divisions; the AFC North will probably send two teams to the playoffs, as was the case two years ago. In contrast, the Colts play in a division that has had its other members finish above .500 exactly four times in the last five years. Ain't that some shit. It's not a bad deal for a team if they can get two games each year against Houston, Tennessee, and Ball State. This, however, is one luxury the Browns do not have.

Another luxury these Browns don't have is time. For all of its glorious past and promising future, this franchise is in dire need of a habitable present. The pieces may nearly be in place if this team can stay healthy. And after watching the Saints march out of nowhere to their conference championship game last year, I suspect this team might even be able to contend for a playoff spot in 2007.

Just kidding. They're fucking horrible. You suck, Cleveland!

It's rookie hazing.

"Just an involuntary haircut," Quinn said, referring to rookie hazing. "I don't know if it's ever been this short."

"Involuntary." We hope no pictures of the actual shaving surface, lest we see Brady giggling while Bret Michaels stands in the corner and weeps.

(Oh, and Hall of Fame voting will be discussed tomorrow.)

The most famous, of course, is the one from AJ Hawk's wedding, but he also grabs the eye when hanging out with Bret Michaels, grabbing the packages of children or just glamming up for photo shoots.

Potential? Brady Quinn's already there.

But is he a Hall of Famer? Seventy five percent is the threshold for induction. Vote below: Polls will be open until next Monday morning.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

(UPDATE: The great Twoeightnine offers up an alternative version that makes more sense, after the jump.)