What are some of the signs that you won't be defending your Super Bowl title when January arrives? Putting up six points against the Browns is a good one. Holding Brady Quinn to his usual 48.1 quarterback rating, and still losing by a touchdown is another. Eight sacks? Five straight losses? I think you're starting to see the pattern here. The Steelers are sunk. (And no, this doesn't save your season, Cleveland.)

The reasons aren't really important anymore—Troy Polamalu doesn't pass block too, does he?—but last night's embarrassing loss to the Browns pretty much closes the door on their drive for whatever number ring they are up to now. So call your broker and start channeling your snow shoveling futures into Penguins tickets. They still haven't folded right?

Honorable mention: The Celtics. Who let the old guys in here?

•"The Foot ball The 49ers Team has The excitement of the bear, the velocity of the deer and strenght of the buffalo.

"That is reason why the great Football Team in San Francisco is called the "49ers" Them the Baseball Team got is name THE "Giants" because of The big buildings so that is now be teams got their names."

•On a frigid night in Cleveland, the only thing colder are the Steelers' playoff aspirations. A putrid 13-6 loss to a putrid Browns team, and Tunison spent the night feeding the trolls. Go tell him how sorry you are that his team will have to go at least two years between titles.

•Boston pulled out another win. Orlando, not so much. Not to put too much emphasis on one night's result, but if these two teams keep up the paces they set tonight, the Celtics will finish the year 61 games ahead of the Magic. Take that analysis, Hollinger!

•From the tempting fate department, Tony Romo is back as the holder for field goals and extra points. Relax, Cowboys fans, there's very little chance of a blown playoff kick this year. Why? San Diego, New Orleans, Washington and Philadelphia, that's why.

•Chad Ochocino is getting into a war of words again, this time with a mascot. He and Ragnar have been going back and forth ahead of this weekend's Cincy/Minnesota game, and while it's all in fun, being crippled in a Viking battle seems the only logical way for someone like Ochocinco's career to end.

•••••

We've got our last SHOTY nominee going up this afternoon, but don't be surprised to see him pop up in a post or five before that.

Honestly, I've got to believe that winning against the Browns is no picnic either. Last night's 16 point, 16 punt masterpiece was not exactly an endorsement for quality professional football. The game was so boring, it made Ray Lewis eat the grass. And somehow we still haven't settled the Brady Quinn (23.5 QB rating) Dilemma? What information are we waiting for on that one?

Oh, and best of all? Next week: Browns @ Lions. Gee, I hope I can still get tickets!

* * * * * *

It's Tuesday. Please do not get up on the stage.

As Mr. Against Speed showed yesterday, God loves even the Redskins, even though they cost him a three-team parlay by failing to cover against the Chiefs — the Chiefs! Well, a certain segment of our country worships Chick-fil-A, and they're not so forgiving.

Ah, but the joke's on you, faceless chicken corporation. Your clever sign is flawed; the Browns don't even play until tomorrow! Wait, Cleveland is on Monday Night Football? Shit, I guess the joke's on all of us.

•••••

Another Sunday, another chance to get bitched at for my choice of music. I'm going to keep posting crappy 90s nu metal until you like it.

We know about the Redskins soap opera that has riveted everyone in the D.C. era, except Dan Snyder. Fan are upset. Security at FedEx field is upset because they now how have discipline the upset fans even though they'd rather just stand still and do nothing and that just makes everyone even more grumpy. Now some genius has found the solution to banned signs—a sign of humanity where folks in the upper deck can spell out "Fire Snyder" simply by wearing the right color t-shirt. If they can decode this seating chart first. I don't see how this possibly fails.

They aren't alone however. Browns fans are actually fighting with each other over the best way to voice their displeasure with the team's "rebuilding" process. A group of "Dawg Pound" residents are planning to arrive late to the Monday night game against the Ravens in two weeks, which will surely hurt Phil Dawson's feelings. Meanwhile other Cleveland fans counter with the ridiculous argument that you can't reverse a decade of failure in 7 games. This is not the time to be calm and rational, folks.

But it's not just NFL fans who are pumping up the emo music. Some Colorado students are urging everyone to wear powder blue to Folsom Field on Saturday in honor of one of the worst eras—and uniform choices—in Buffaloes history. Although, I'm not sure why they need the reminder when everyone is well aware that this current team is awful. This "statement" will surely rock academia to its foundations and possibly make CU administrators cancel the football program altogether. It's the only way to be sure.

And of course, Louisville's quixotic quest to humiliate head football coach Steve Kragthrope silently marches on. Shame is not a weapon when your opponent has none.

Or if football isn't your game, maybe write a strongly worded letter to the NBA reminding them that one of their oldest and least successful owners is also a racist jackass. Why should football fans have all the fun?

A FedEx Field Sign Snyder Can't Ban [Fire Snyder Sign, via FamousDC]
Browns Fans' Stand Against Dawg Pound Mike's Nov. 16 Protest [Cleveland Frowns]
Browns fans: Don't protest [Read and React]
Fed-up CU Buffs fans plan powder-blue protest at Folsom [Colorado Daily]
Bag Krag [Bag Krag]
Sterling suit seems to fit NBA just fine [Yahoo]

The allergic reaction caused Pavlik's temperature to reach 104 degrees, prompting the 27-year-old boxer to check into the hospital. A specialist at the Cleveland Clinic (which I assume is in Cleveland) informed Pavlik's father, Mike, that the situation was looking pretty grim.

Pavlik says he doesn't remember everything that happened last month, only bits and pieces.

He recalls a doctor telling him that he wasn't going home right away, and that every step he took toward the emergency ward was more difficult than the last. He remembers his skin crawling, his heart feeling like it would jump right out of his chest.

He doesn't remember the steroids doctors gave him to make the reaction subside.

"I don't remember that day, that's how bad it was," Pavlik told The Associated Press. "They told me it was pretty serious. It was the worst form of reaction you could have."

The staph infection, although cleared up, has prompted Pavlik's trainer, Jack Hoew, to cancel Pavlik's December 5th bout against Paul Williams. The fight had already been pushed back, amid contentious negotiations between the two fighters' camps.

Pavlik first noticed something wrong while playing basketball last March, a few weeks after he defeated Marco Antonio Rubio in his hometown of Youngstown, Ohio.

He was playing basketball on a warm March day when the knuckle split open. After a few minutes, Pavlik looked down to see a colorless ooze where there should have been blood, and a trip to the doctor confirmed the bacteria.

A month went by and antibiotics weren't doing their job, so Pavlik had surgery in Youngstown to clean out the infection. When the stitches were removed, the hole was still there. Further tests revealed MRSA, a sometimes fatal strain of staph that resists broad-spectrum antibiotics.

"I was ready to say right there, chop the hand off," Pavlik said.

Man, that doesn't sound like a very good situation. This recent development involving Pavlik certainly begs the question: what is going on with Cleveland and all of these high profile staph infections? Many of you may recall how six players for the Cleveland Browns have been treated for staph infections since 2003, including Kellen Winslow and Joe Jurevicius, who subsequently sued the Browns organization because of it.

What gives? Is there anybody out there who can shed some light on this perplexing issue?

Pavlik says he nearly died from allergic reaction [Yahoo!]
Another Staph Infection? [Waiting For Next Year]
Joe Jurevicius staph-infection lawsuit highlights growing legal threat to non-health-care facilities [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
(Previously on Deadspin) Okay, Perhaps Kellen Winslow Is A Soldier

•You might be hearing about this a little later on this morning, if your esteemed editor ever wakes up. The Phillies are heading back to the World Series after disposing of the Dodgers in five games. Is Daulerio excited? Let's just say Center City Philadelphia isn't the only one with a greased pole right about now.

•Patrick Crayton is a little ticked his coaches didn't tell him before the media that Miles Austin usurped his starting role. With more yards and TDs in a single week than Crayton's had all season, I thought this is one of those things that didn't need to be said.

•Also mad at management: Cedric Benson says the Bears tried to blackball him from football after his two arrests. Funny, I thought it was his incompetence at football before his two arrests that did it.

•FOX is adding Ozzie Guillen as an analyst for the World Series. Given his unrivaled ability to string together profanities, we might see the first 70-second delay.

•A dozen members of the Browns have come down with the flu, and the NFL will allow them special roster provisions to restock the depleted positions. Unfortunately, both quarterbacks are perfectly healthy.

•Yes, I know we're bloggers, but we would never make like one San Antonio blogger who brought cookies to the locker room for Manu Ginobli. This blog only reports on personalities caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

•Finally, via Fark, we get a 12-year-old on the receiving end of a Taekwondo KTFO:

Taibbi's one-page editorial from the October 29 issue (not available online, because it's 1998, I guess) on the state of the Browns contains plenty of his legendary invective and rage and a host of elaborately constructed zingers—the opening line compares Mangini to Augustus Gloop—but it doesn't answer the most important question at hand: How could anybody care this much about Eric Mangini?

Taibbi's fire is off the charts here. He calls the 2009 Browns "one of the truly thrilling sports disaster stories ever" and "the most fucked franchise in all of sports." To which we can only say, uh ... have you met the Tennessee Titans? The Browns are bad, but it's not even clear yet that they are worse off than the team was a year ago. And Mangini may or may not be a complete dunderhead endangering the livelihoods of otherwise healthy young men, but why would the readers of Rolling Stone give a shit about that?

Plus, is this really news? Everyone already knows Mangini is terrible. It's not like Matt is pulling a Slate-esque counter-intuitive takedown by pointing out that Mangini is not as smart as Bill Belichik. We're all well aware.

The bloggers at Cleveland Frowns think it's just another typical example of EAST COAST BIAS, but that bias usually manifests itself as completely indifference, not unbridled anger. Perhaps Cleveland fans are just annoyed because criticizing the Browns is supposed to be their job.

Why is Matt Taibbi Writing about the Cleveland Browns? [Cleveland Frowns]
Taking it from all sides [Cleveland Sports Torture]

The NFL stands by the call. But Ryan isn't buying. Via the Cleveland Plain Dealer:

Ryan said after a question during his press conference today: "I thought you were talking about that missed field goal. Somebody should look at it or research it. It was disappointing.''

Later, he reiterated that it was no good, saying: "You could watch the tape, that would be great. I'm not saying anything, but man, maybe the posts were crooked. [But] I don't want to get fined. I pay enough money on a house I don't even live in in California.''

He added: "I don't want to make this a big story, but I was disappointed. Of course, I'm not an expert. That's why I'm saying maybe somebody else should look at it.''

You can watch the video below or here. The kick does indeed appear to cross in front of the bar, but I will withhold judgment until we can re-enact the play ourselves with small woodland creatures.

Cleveland Browns defensive coordinator Rob Ryan says Cincinnati Bengals missed game-winning field goal Sunday [Plain Dealer]
NFL GameDay: Bengals vs. Browns highlights [NFL.com]

According to ESPN.com, via Schefter, Edwards has been traded to the Jets. This is a somewhat surprising move for several reasons—one of which is that the Jets are actually kind of good and handing a headcase to their rookie quarterback will certainly not help his poise. Also, the NFL is still investigating whether Edwards violated their conduct policy by punching a friend of LeBron James, so that's another headache they don't need.

ALSO: Michael Crabtree is finally a 49er, but he's pretty much already squandered his rookie year and will likely be playing catchup for his entire career so we don't have to think about him anymore.

Source: Braylon Edwards of Cleveland Browns traded to New York Jets [ESPN]
San Francisco 49ers, Michael Crabtree agree to contract [ESPN]
Braylon heads to Broadway [PFT]

Club promoter Edward Givens filed a police report stating that he was given a black eye outside a Cleveland nightclub last night. The suspect's name was not given in the report, but Givens had no problem telling the Cleveland Plain Dealer that it was Edwards—and also that Givens' face was merely a proxy for Braylon's jealousy of mutual acquaintence LeBron.

Here's Givens' side of the story:

"After the club closed, I was outside greeting and saying goodbye to people. Braylon comes up and started saying things, degrading me. He said if it wasn't for LeBron or the Four Horsemen, I wouldn't have what I have, nor would I be able to get girls. Everyone knows Braylon has a problem with LeBron. So I had to speak up for myself. The conversation started to escalate. As some of his teammates started to pull him back, he punched me. I have a black eye and a cut. I'm not a violent guy.

"As long as I've known Braylon, I've allowed him and his friends to come into our events free of charge. Whatever jealousy he has with LeBron, he felt he needed to take it out on me."

Edwards—obviously amped up after his zero catch performance against the Bengals—then allegedly got involved in another disturbance that police had to break up, although it appears that he was not arrested for either incident. The whole story is a nice little capper to the Browns 0-4 start and Braylon's anti-LeBron violence can only further endear him to already swooning populace of northern Ohio. I believe that earlier in the evening he also sent a text to Bob Feller telling him to "get bent."

Cleveland man accuses Browns Braylon Edwards of assault [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

UPDATE: Lebron responds, calls Edwards "childish." [ESPN]

UPDATE 2: Braylon (maybe?) responds: "I have no issue with LeBron. I respect and admire him." [Twitter]

Yup. That's a classic Bills throwback spied in Albany, N.Y. You know. They never did find the "real killers." So keep your eyes open. [Via Three Idiots on Sports]

All eyez were on this man in Cleveland on Sunday. Loves his Browns, loves his Tupac. [Thanks, Brett!]

The extra S is for Spelling, which Drew Brees does Exsellently [Thanks, AppleOwner!]
Something tells me these two Georgia State Police troopers aren't going to be taking a bullet for Steve Spurrier. [Via Twitpic]

Speaking of alternate spellings, the crazy "tea bag" protesters who think Obama wants mandatory, government-funded grandmother abortions have found their savior. As long as they don't have to write his name in on the ballot. [Photo via NineTwelvePhotos on Flickr]

You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your U.S. Open finals opponent. [Thanks, Robert!]

I hope Nike didn't spend too much on the "Unleash Urlacher" campaign. A small fortune, you say? Gee, that's a shame. [ESPN homepage, Thanks, EVERYBODY!]

1. Those aren't really the Browns. I know they kept the records. And the team name. And the uniforms. I know the current assemblage of players known as the Cleveland Browns are supposed to be just like the real thing. But I'm sorry. They aren't. Ever since the Browns returned to the league in '99, I've always felt like I was watching the football equivalent of a new stepmother, or a turtle that was purchased to secretly replace the one accidentally killed by a parent. Everyone affiliated with the New Browns may as well have buttons sewn into their eyes. They are fucking impostors. IMPOSTORE!!!

Before they left for Baltimore, the Browns had a distinctive football identity. I know this because the Browns were my favorite AFC team when I was a kid for reasons that escape me (I think Hanford Dixon and Frank Minnifield rocking orange shoes had something to do with it). And they're the team I will probably try rooting for when the Vikings decide to leave Minnesota two years from now. Then I'll give up after a year of that and become just a general NFL fan, which will be for the best.

Anyway, I digress. The reason I used to love those old Browns teams was because they never made anything look easy. Bernie Kosar threw sideways. Earnest Byner had to plow through six defenders just to get a lousy four-yard gain. They relied on trick plays more than pretty much any other team in the NFL (a trait Bill Cowher brought with him to Pittsburgh once he became a coach). Every time the Browns scored 30 points, it felt like a miracle. They felt like the kind of team maybe I could play for one day. That's a stupid concept, but it's the kind of thing you imagine when you're young and retarded. They were a proud team defensively. And if you ever beat them, they'd at least make you hurt the next day for it.

Those are the Cleveland Browns I remember from when I was a kid, and they have absolutely nothing to do with the supposed Browns you see before you today. The Browns of today have no identity. The two times they've had winning records since they've returned to the NFL were both freakish, inexplicable anomalies. There's something off about this franchise now. Like they crawled out of the Pet Semetary. Like the players have had their bodies snatched, and if you cut them open, you'd find aliens underneath. Aliens who are really, really, really fucking bad at playing football. Like watching George Clooney's wife return from the dead in "Solaris". No, wait. Scratch that. It's like watching "Solaris". Very slow and painful.

Face it, Browns fans. Deep in your heart, this doesn't really feel like your team. The team you really want – the one with the great defensive tradition and wonderful front office stability; the team that is now Pittsburgh's true archrival – that team is in Baltimore now, and there's no hope of getting it back. That's the team you SHOULD have. That's the team you feel you truly deserve, and you know it. That Super Bowl title should be yours. Stabby Ray Lewis should be yours. Joe Flacco should be yours. You don't deserve this Cleveland Stepmoms franchise, this Bizarro bunch of Browns birthed into the world by that scumbag Carmen Policy and run into the ground by everyone who's taken the wheel since. It's the oddest situation in sports. You have your team, but you don't really have them. The NFL let you keep the team's colors, but didn't let you keep the team's soul. And that's the cruelest part of Art Modell's legacy. Fucking prick.

2. They're the reason you don't have a job. The Browns are owned by Randy Lerner, who inherited the team from his father Al Lerner. Al Lerner made his fortune as chairman of MBNA bank. That name ring a bell to you? Of course it does. MBNA was responsible for the proliferation of student-issued credit cards for much of the past two decades. OOOH, LOOGIT! A VISA CARD WITH YOUR SCHOOL'S LOGO ON IT! AND YOU'RE PRE-APPROVED! HOW CAN YOU RESIST? MBNA issued pre-approved cards to millions of students across the country who charged shitloads of money to them and couldn't pay the tab. That's the debt that got gobbled up by the banks, packaged with subprime mortgage loans, slapped with a gold star rating by some fuckhead at the SEC, insured by AIG, and sold to banks the world over, triggering an economic crisis that will soon have us all killing each other and scavenging each other's bones for stray, edible flesh. Or so I was told by a couple of articles I read in Rolling Stone.

MBNA was also responsible for about 85% of all the goddamn direct mail advertising I have received over the course of my adulthood. (Capital One has since taken over those duties. Assholes.) It's not enough that they preyed on retarded college kids and ruined your life savings. No, no. They also have to rape your mailbox day after day with envelopes you'll never open. All of this made Lerner rich enough to buy the Browns, make Dwight Clark the GM, and give the team a lifetime of terrible karma. So remember that the next time you open up your credit card bill only to realize you're still paying interest on that Razor scooter you bought back in 1999 for no good reason. Fuck MBNA, and fuck the Lerner family right on their magnetic stripe.

3. Mangini? Really? It's as if Browns ownership is deliberately trying to turn off Cleveland fans. It's not enough that Cleveland had Belichick before he became arguably the greatest head coach in NFL history. No, now they have to hire all of his shitty underlings, thus repeating the shitty first Belichick era over and over again. Because what better way to win the hearts of a city than by making coaching hires that constantly remind citizens of the darkest moment in their team's history. A flawless plan.

Reader Andy S. points out that new GM George Kokinis was director of player personnel in Baltimore after Phil Savage came to Cleveland. Combined with Mangini, Andy says, "They basically hired the understudies of the two men who led the team to three last place finishes, two top-five draft picks and zero playoff appearances in four years."

4. Did I mention they suck? Oh, do they ever. Cornerstone tackle Joe Thomas is the team's best player, and nothing he protects is worth protecting. The team traded up to draft Brady Quinn and has shown no confidence in him since that day (we call this the Akili Smith plan), Mangini's presence now rendering him all but unwanted. Their best wideout can't catch the ball. Their best running back is a shell of a shell of his former self. Tight end Robert Royal may as well have his hands amputated. They gave $23 million guaranteed to Shaun Rogers so he could buy his own Pancake House franchise and eat it out of business. This is arguably the worst roster in the NFL. I know this, because I was forced to watch it in primetime five times last year. Fuck you, NFL schedule maker. Fuck you to Hell.

5. Readers dislike this team more than any other. Since we started this preview series, I've gotten more emails about why Cleveland sucks more than any other franchise, with extra jabs at James Frey tossed in for good measure. Some of the vitriol:

RE: CLEVELAND BROWNS=ANAL LEAKAGE

Please crucify the Browns like the dirty Jews that they are. You have no idea how wretchedly disturbing it is to live in the same state as the Browns. My taint is tainted. An acquaintance of mine (not friend), said how excited he was to have Browns tickets this year. I shot him in the dick and murdered his only child.

And from Ryne:

Drew,

I'm shocked you've yet to piss on the Browns. There isn't another "professional" (and I use the term professional about as loosely as VH1 uses "celebrity") football team that's as catastrophically, unbelievably fucked in the NFL. At least the Raiders and the Lions are entertaining off the field despite their pussy fart of a team.

We're talking about a team that didn't score an offensive touchdown in their last 6 motherfucking abomination of football games. How do you not accidentally butt-fuck your way into a touchdown in 24 quarters? Perhaps it's because A) we've had more shitty quarterbacks in ten years than dicks in Brady Quinn's ass (lazy pun I know, but what can I say, he's a weak-armed cocksucker) B) our number 1 receiver couldn't catch AIDS even if he gargled Robbie Alomar's balls while simultaneously fucking the corpse of Freddy Mercury C) has a worse draft record than Dick Cheney D) whose defense couldn't stop team of players with Asperger's sufferers.

No wonder we threw bottles onto the field, although for $12 they should provide you with a brick. At least if you had a chance to cave in the face of one of the Division I-AA players that make up this steaming shit pile of a team. And, in perhaps the greatest example of how ass backward the sporting culture is in this herpe sore of a town, Indians GM Mark Shapiro is the Mangina's brother-in-law. At Christmas time they could play a drinking game: one shot for each shitty organizational move until one of them dies painfully of cirrhosis. Everyone in this sorry organization deserves a cock shoved in their ear.

And the White Boom Boom:

I went to a Hooters in Cleveland once. This location was almost entirely empty, sans a very large and fat family. Kids as young as six, and an obese father wearing a Cleveland Browns sweatshirt. I was wearing a Steelers jersey, to which FatDad had to comment, "Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of a Steelers Fan!" Well played, hope Baltimore winning that Super Bowl doesn't sting too much.

And Peter:

Speaking of the fans, they are the worst people on Earth. They (along with Eagles fans), make me lose faith in humanity. For example, a friend of mine who attends Case Western had the opportunity to attend his first NFL game at Brown Stadium. Really not a fan of any team, he decided to go wearing a Case Western t-shirt. No problem, right?

He quickly realized that Clevelanders are such dumb fucks that they assume that if you are not wearing a shit-colored jersey, you are a fan of the other team. Mind you, the Browns were playing the Ravens. In no way shape or form do the colors of his Case Western t-shirt resemble that of the Ravens.

Nevertheless, he had at least 3 cups of beer spilled/poured on him, threatened countless times, and was later stalked out of the stadium. Needless to say, he transferred out of Case just to get the hell out of Cleveland.

That last one just about killed me.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. We've got the Ravens and Steelers to go.

John Clayton half-heartedly reported that Quinn and Anderson were quarterbacking opposite teams in an inter-squad scrimmage on Sunday, when Anderson's helmet radio went on the fritz. Anderson was forced to use hand signals to call plays—signals which Quinn is obviously familiar with. So Anderson claims that Quinn instructed his defense on how to interpret the signals, rendering Anderson quite ineffective. Diabolical!

I have no idea if this kind of treachery is frowned upon in NFL training camps, but what would we do this season without a backstabbing quarterback controversy? I'm sure Eric Mangini likes to see his boys take some initiative. Their battle is currently a dead heat, but don't be surprised if Quinn gets Gilloolyed before the first preseason game.

New Cleveland Browns coach Eric Mangini keeps eye on details [ESPN]
Derek Anderson Accuses Brady Quinn of Cheating? (UPDATE) [Cleveland Frowns]
Anderson, Quinn in dead heat as cheating claims surface [PFT]