When last we saw them: Finished 45-37, second in the Central Division and fourth overall in the East. They pushed the eventual NBA champion Boston Celtics to seven games and were one Paul Pierce scoring explosion from advancing to the Conference Finals.

Key Arrivals: Mo Williams, Lorenzen Wright, JJ Hickson, Darnell Jackson

Key Departures: Damon "I'm the best shooter in the world" Jones, Joe "Signing that secret contract with Minnesota sure torpedoed my career" Smith, Dwyane "The Other" Jones

The Good: LeBron James is the mightiest mortal on the face of the Earth. Danny Ferry traded for Mo Williams, the latest in a series of potential Aqualads to LeBron's Aquaman, to help the team's anemic offense. (Seriously, I've read that Mo averaged 17.2 PPG for the Bucks last season so many times that it's permanently burned into my retinas.) The Cavs were one of the best defensive ball clubs in the league last year, and they should be again this season (despite the Williams acquisition). They're a strong rebounding team; in 2007-08, they led the league in rebounding differential (+4.15). Wally Szczerbiak's $13 million contact expires after this season, which makes him excellent trade bait. They replaced the real Ben Wallace with an Inflatable Defender. (Not really, but it would probably help.)

The Bad: The reason the Cavaliers are so freaking excited about Williams' 17.2 PPG average is because the team's offense under Mike Brown has been historically anemic, consisting of roughly two plays: 1) Have everybody spot up and watch LeBron drive, and 2) have everybody spot up while LeBron dribbles around the arc to set up for one of his trademark clunky threes. But Mo is a shoot-first guard who needs lots of touches to make things happen, which sort of makes him Larry Hughes 2.0 (although he's a better percentage three-point shooter than Larry was). Oh, and he's not exactly sturdy: Mo has missed a total of 54 games over the last three seasons for various reasons. Two of their critical frontcourt players (Ben Wallace and Anderson Varejao) couldn't score on a Jordan Jammer. Wallace is gradually transforming into a slow-moving paste.

Fun Facts: The EA NBA Live 09 simulated season predicts that the Cavs will finish 41-41 (fifth in the East) and lose to the Miami Heat in the Eastern Conference Semifinals. The Cavaliers have seven retired numbers (Bingo Smith, Larry Nance, Mark Price, Austin Carr, Nate Thurmond, and Brad Daugherty)...same as the Lakers. Danny Ferry holds the franchise record for games played (723). Last season, Mo Williams suffered from pubic symphysis, which is basically an ouchie in the man region

Videotastic extra: All that basketball talent and he can sing too?! Life so isn't fair.

$50 million just so happens to be about $30 million more than any NBA team can pay under the salary cap. That sound you just heard is the NBA brass trying to figure out if they need some sort of superstar carve out in the salary cap structure. Either that or getting a capless division set up in Europe. But surely, LeBron's just bluffing, right?

Maybe. But according to ESPN.com, there have already been contacts between LeBron and at least two European teams.

The Russian team CSKA Moscow and the Greek team Olympiacos, which recently gave Josh Childress a contract approaching $30 million over three years, have already contacted James, according to the person close to him. The person added, however, that no monetary or contractual discussions have taken place.

LeBron's contract doesn't run out until 2009-2010, and up until now there's been mostly speculation about which American city he'll leave Cleveland for. But LeBron considers himself a global icon and nothing would increase the Q-rating better than going overseas, making more money, and then coming back to America. He's got time on his side. LeBron won't even be 30 until December 30, 2014. And with the way the dollar is plummeting against the Euro, by 2010, $50 million may be well within reach.

Source: LeBron would consider European offer of $50M a year or more [ESPN.com]

Oh, I thought we were wildly speculating here. Everybody else is doing it these days after James was at a USA Basketball, um, thing and said New York was his favoritest city ever, followed by Washington, Dallas, LA, and his hometown of Akron. No Cleveland in there whatsoever.

So certainly this means that once the Cavaliers muddle through a couple more early playoff exits, their superstar will take an aerial view of Cleveland, furrow his brow, and say "I've been playing here? Danny Ferry told me this was Brooklyn!"

But hold on, says the Plain Dealer's Terry Pluto. Nobody can possibly figure out what will happen two completed seasons from now. There's a hint of controlled reason in his words, but ... look at the Photoshop! It shows he's clearly playing for the New York Pants. Argue that, Mr. Newspaper Man.

Losing LeBron [Yahoo! Sports]
LeBron James' departure in 2010 nothing but speculation [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

Larry Paul versus Dominique LeBron. Look, I'm not even going to pretend to be unmoved here. Fans of the Boston Celtics and Cleveland Cavaliers had to endure one of the ugliest series in NBA history for six brutal games, but you know what? The final game made it all worthwhile. (Okay, mostly worthwhile.) As Game 7 showdowns go, this one ranks right up there with Larry Bird versus Dominique Wilkins in the 1988 Eastern Conference Semifinals, right down to a Celtic superstar with a wispy, porn star mustache and an opposing superstar who went down with his head held high.

LeBron (45 points, 14-for-29, 5 rebounds, 6 assists, 2 steals) bared his basketball soul for the world to see, but in the end — and you knew this was coming, right? — he and his team just couldn't handle The Truth. And like Shaquille O'Neal once said: "Paul Pierce is the motherfucking truth. Quote me on that and don't take nothing out."

Pierce finished with 41 points (13-for-23), 4 rebounds, 5 assists and 2 steals. He hit big shot after big shot. He guarded — and was guarded by — LeBron for most of the game. He, like LeBron, took a lot of uncalled contact but stayed aggressive and never quit. He dove for a loose ball and quickly called timeout to preserve a Boston possession in the fourth quarter. And he hit two free throws with 7.9 seconds left — the first of which hit the back rim, went straight up, and fell right down into the basket — to secure the game, which ended thusly: Boston 97, Cleveland 92.

Said Pierce: "The ghost of Red (Auerbach) just looking over us. I think he kind of tapped (the free throw) in the right direction. It sort of put a smile on my face." And 18,624 other faces as well.

While this duel might have lacked the you-hit-then-I-hit-then-you-hit quality of the Larry and 'Nique show, it was still an impossibly dramatic gunfight between two amazing players on as big a public stage as you can ask for. As LeBron put it: "We both tried to will our team to victory and, just like Dominique Wilkins, I ended up on the short end and the Celtics won again. I think the second round of the postseason, Game 7, these fans will finally have an opportunity to forget a little bit about Larry Bird and Dominique Wilkins did and remember what Paul and LeBron did."

Or, better yet, they'll get to remember both. And be a lot better for it.

OK. I'm done Bill Waltonizing now. Other than LeBron, the only other Cavalier who showed up to play was Delonte West (15 points, 5 assists). Guys like Zydrunas Ilgauskas (8 points, 2-for-8), Ben Wallace (3 points, 4 rebounds), Sasha Pavlovic (7 points, 3-for-8) and especially Wally Szczerbiak (zero points, 0-for-3, 4 fouls in 15 minutes) just stood around looking dumbstruck.

On the other end of the ball, Paul Pierce didn't get tons of backup, but he got a little more than LeBron. Kevin Garnett had 13 points and 13 rebounds, P.J. Brown had 10 points and 6 boards (not to mention a critical jumper and an even more critical offensive rebound/putback in the fourth quarter), and Eddie House came off the bench in the first half to jumpstart the Celtics out of a dangerously lethargic stretch.

One last note: Sometime during the game, Mark Jackson stated flatly that Paul Pierce had already earned the right to have his number retired and hung up in the rafters alongside Russell's, Cousy's, Havlicek's, Jones', Cowens' and Bird's. At the time, I thought he was vastly overstating things. Now? Not so much.

The Celtics will now move on to face the Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals. Game 1 is in Boston on Tuesday.

If you'll hark back with us to January 2006, we'll re-introduce you to an incident involving LeBron's mother, a DUI and a shocking amount of mace. Mama James was pulled over for erratic driving, and once "in custody," she wasn't exactly calm.

• She was "driving in an erratic manner, weaving in and out of traffic at a high rate of speed."
• When they first tried to put handcuffs on her, she wrang herself free before she was sedated again.
• Once in the car, she kicked out the side window of the backseat.
• The police, exhausted with dealing with her, eventually sprayed her with mace.

So, you know, LeBron's probably getting a little used to dealing with his mom by now. To remind, by the way: LeBron James' mother is the same age as Bill Simmons, Roy Jones Jr., Sam Cassell and Jennifer Aniston.

The Indestructible Mother Of LeBron James [Deadspin]

Welcome To Cleveland's Roadkill Cafe. Swarming defense, a brutal posterization of the Defensive Player of the Year, a superstar potty mouth, and LeBron's momma ... these were all part of an 88-77 Cavaliers win that had Doc Rivers and his Celtics clicking their ruby slippers together and chanting "There's no place like TD Banknorth Garden...there's no place like TD Banknorth Garden..."

Despite the fact that the Green and White built their reputation on a best-in-the-league defense, Cleveland did most of the shutting downing last night, holding the Celtics to 38 percent shooting and only 12 points in the fourth quarter. And while Boston's not-so-big-anymore three were getting blanked in that final stanza, King James (21 points, 6 rebounds, 13 assists) put his royal boot up the leprechaun's butt, dishing four dimes, hitting the first of two game-breaking threes (Boobie Gibson hit the other one), and dropping an exclamation mark jam on KG that led an Associated Press writer to observe "The Cavaliers were awed by James' stuff." Which I'm sure is totally true, but probably a little TMI.

Of course, many people will remember this contest as the game that LeBron's mom, Gloria James, got all up in Paul Pierce's face after Truth put a bear hug on the King to prevent a second-quarter dunk. But LeBron defused a potentially disruptive situation by calmly explaining that her behavior was inappropriate and politely asking her to return to her seat at the earliest possible convenience. Or something like that.

Said LeBron: "I told her to sit down, in some language that I shouldn't have used. Thank God today wasn't Mother's Day. All I could think about is her. I know my mother, we're good." Suuuuure, LeBron. Whatever you say. (But ask yourself this: Would your mom be okay with you telling her to sit her ass down? Yeah. Didn't think so.)

LeBron hit only 7-for-20 from the field but actually improved his series shooting average to 26 percent. But his Dick Cheney-like marksmanship weren't no thang, partly because he dished 'em and hit 'em when they mattered most, and partly because he got some actual, honest-to-goodness help from Gibson (14 points, 4 assists, and a fourth-quarter dagger), Wally Szczerbiak (14 points, 6-for-11), and Sideshow Bob (12 points, 6 rebounds).

Meanwhile, the Celtics' performances — such as they were — came with asterisks. KG led his team with 15 points and 10 rebounds, but he scored only 2 points in the second half and zero points in the fourth. Ray Allen had 15 points too, but he shot only 4-for-10 and couldn't get open down the stretch. Pierce scored half of his team's 12 fourth-quarter points, but he finished with 13 on 17 shots. Oh, and Boston's bench got outscored 36-17.

Game 5 is Wednesday.

At the University Heights Papa John's, police said a few people tried to jump the line, but they were pulled out and those in line started cheering. A Newsnet5.com viewer e-mailed and said a fight broke out at the Springfield Township location on Waterloo Road in Summit County. Springfield police said a verbal altercation took place between two people in line. No one was hurt and no arrests were made, police said.

There was one serious casualty, as Papa John's mascot Mr. Slice was found in a Toledo alley early this morning severely beaten and stripped of his toppings.

The promotion was hatched, of course, after a Papa John's franchise in Washington, D.C., made T-shirts calling LeBron James a "crybaby" after James' complaints about hard fouls during the Cavaliers' playoff series with the Wizards. To counter the bad publicity, the company offered 23-cent large, one-topping pizzas at their Cleveland, Columbus, Toledo and Youngstown outlets. The company will also donate $10,000 to the Cavaliers Youth Fund.

Papa John's first idea was to discount the pizzas according to LeBron's playoff shooting percentage, but that would have hardly even been worth the trouble.

Papa John's Running Out Of Pizza; Promotion May End By Dinnertime [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
Papa John's Stores Will Close Early If Supplies Run Out [Newsnet 5]

The poor server who had the unfortunate experience of waiting on LeBron at Cleveland's XO Prime Steaks during a recent late night pop-in probably had this thought. According to the Cleveland Scene, this is how it all went down:

LeBron pulls up in his Mercedes outside XO. People stop and try not to stare, but c'mon, it's LeBron James. He enters the restaurant with a group of friends. On this special occasion, the King decides to dine late. He keeps his group there until around 3:45 a.m. During this time the waiter obsequiously pours drinks and fetches anything else His Greatness needs.

The final bill comes to $800. By the feudal laws of decorum, which stipulate that the affluent should administer a 20 percent gratuity, staffers figured they'd be pocketing an extra $160. But when they fetched the autographed bill after His Heinousness bolted back to Akron, their expectation turned to disbelief, then anger.

LeBron stiffed them with a meager $10 tip. This is what French nobles like to call your requisite Bourgeois Bitch-Slap. The waiter wouldn't even take it, tired of being shat on by guys like LeBron.

It'd probably be in James' best interest to now hire an official food taster if he plans on dining at anymore Cleveland restaurants in the near future.

When it comes to tipping, LeBron goes Scrooge McDuck [Cleveland Scene]

Well, that was sure...entertaining. Did you enjoy the 1994 NBA Finals? Do you miss those halcyon days of the Knicks-Heat rivalry? Has watching the Spurs slowly and methodically grind their opponents into paste over the last 10 years been the highlight of your existence? Then Game 1 of the Cavaliers-Celtics series was for you! And you are a freak. Please stay away from me and my column. I'm kidding. Keep reading. I get bonuses for page views.

This is how Kevin Garnett (28 points, 8 rebounds) described last night's crap-a-palooza, which Boston won 76-72: "This was two heavyweights, just body-punching. There was no finesse, no jabs, just an all-out, beat-down, defensive fight." He's sort of right, assuming those "heavyweights" were two mildly retarded paraplegics drowning in their own spittle while having an epileptic seizure. Oh, and while on fire, too.

Look, there's no way to sugarcoat this: The game was ugly. An abomination. An affront to the memory of Dr. James Naismith and all he stood for. Or, as Bill Walton might say, it was terrrrrrrrible...an embarrassment to the sport of basketball. If the NBA is a pimp, then this game would be its black-eyed bitch. Have I gone too far? Or have I not gone far enough? I'll let you decide.

LeBron James — who came in a very distant fourth in MVP voting — saved his absolute worst for last night. The King played like the bastard prince of some lowly province or whatever the hell princes rule these days. He scored 12 points on 2-for-18 shooting. He committed 10 turnovers and was a single assist or rebound away from achieving the infamous triple bumble. He played so poorly that I honestly started wondering whether a Lucky the Leprechaun had drugged him before the game. Seriously, do we know what he had for lunch and where it came from? Somebody look into it. (Maybe he got some of Tim Duncan's Gatorade?)

He wasn't alone in the suckfest, though. Teammate Delonte West was 2-for-10 and Wally Szczerbiak was 5-for-14 as the Cavaliers shot a Mr. Freeze-like 30 percent from the field. And the awful wasn't limited to Cleveland, either. Ray Allen scored zero points on 0-for-4 shooting and committed 4 turnovers in 37 minutes of lack-tion. Paul Pierce shot 2-for-14 and had 6 turnovers. Big Baby Davis had a four trillion. If it wasn't for KG (who finished third in MVP voting) and Zydrunas Ilgauskas (22 points, 12 rebounds), I'd have to revise my earlier description of the game from "mildly retarded" to "severely retarded."

Fun fact 1: With the game tied at 72-all, Garnett hit a basket to give the Celtics a two-point lead with 22 seconds left. So those that say he shrinks away from the big moments can go suck it. LeBron "Mr. Fourth Quarter" James followed up KG's shot by boning a layup.

Fun fact 2: This is the final line from the Associated Press recap of the game: "James missed a long but meaningless jumper to punctuate his night." That just cracked me up for some reason.

Cleveland versus Boston: Game 1

LeBron James. The King shut up his critics — which consisted mostly of DeShawn Stevenson and the rest of the Wizards — by crushing his first-round foes under his royal boot. The Wiz did their best to rough him up and beat him down, but he still averaged a near triple-double (29.8 PPG, 9.5 RPG, 7.7 APG). Can LeBron pull the sword from the stone against Boston? (Yeah, probably.)

The Boston defense. The league's best regular season defense struggled, at times, to contain Joe Johnson and Josh Smith. Now they have to try and contain LeBron. Yeah. Good luck with that, guys. My suggestion would be stop everybody but LeBron. Even if he goes off for 50, the Celtics would still win, like, 98-57.

The LeBronnaires. Look, no man, no two men, no army of men or the undead can stop LeBron James. The question is...who else is going to step up for the Cavs? Zydrunas Ilgauskas? Wally Szczerbiak? Delonte West? Boobie? It's gotta be one of those guys or nobody. My best guess? Nobody. But then again, Kendrick Perkins may be the only center in the NBA who moves more slowly than Ilgauskas, so you never know...

Kevin Garnett. He's filling up with so much kinetic energy that he has officially become the first player since Alonzo Mourning in 2006 that I think might actually explode during a game. It's called spontaneous human combustion, people, and it happens, okay? That's science fact. Personally, I hope KG survives his own personal Chernobyl. Barring that, I can only hope one of the Boston fans saves me a piece.

Cockiness. The worst damage inflicted on the Celtics by the Hawks was Boston's newfound vulnerability...be it real or perceived. As Cleveland's Devin Brown put it: "They kind of had that arrogance about them all season by winning so many games that you were kind of not wanting to face them. But after seeing what we saw, I think we're ready to go." Unless I'm wrong - and I'm never wrong - that quote is on a bulletin board in the Boston locker room right now. Right next to a post-it note asking the question "Now who's Devin Brown again?"

Paul Pierce versus LeBron. With all due respect to DeShawn Stevenson, the King's first-round rival didn't really stand much of a chance. He can take on a fancy nickname and grow a mangy beard, but that doesn't make him not DeShawn Stevenson, you know? But LeBron's second-round rival...now, he's on a little more equal footing. What? You didn't know the Pierce and James were rivals? Oh hells to the yes. There's some serious history there. Now let's hope that Truth can do more than just deliver hard fouls and trash talk.

Lookin' over the shoulder. Barring the unforseen, the Pistons are going to make relatively short work of the Magic. (How's that for a reverse stat curse?) So, in theory, whoever is left standing after the Cavs-Celts series would be at a tactical disadvantage if it went six or seven games, right? Both teams are going to want to finish this soon. And you know Cleveland is going to go balls-out to steal this first game in Boston.

Anderson Varejao. What can I say? Stuff like this cracks me up. I think it's the hair.

I'm sorry Cleveland, but you guys have got to have the least threatening, least homecourt-advantage-giving playoff crowd in this entire field of 16. Yes, I know San Antonio didn't even fill its arena for some of its first round games, and yeah, I know Toronto and Orlando don't exactly bring the noise, but still, you guys take last. It's not your fault; trust me I know. You guys have had to tiptoe around LeBron ever since he denied signing the max contract, not to mention the fact that Cleveland sports fans in general constantly have to hold their collective breath given years of spurning by the Browns, Indians, and Ehlos. Nonetheless, in a toss-up series, home court advantage might just make the difference, and it's going clearly in Boston's favor.

Now that's not to say I don't have a beef with you, Boston fans. Your obnoxiousness has permeated sport culture so thoroughly over the past five years that it's overwhelmingly trite to even diss you. And hell, Mike Bibby already (properly) played the bandwagon card, so I've got nothing else to say. As far as the Celtics themselves, congrats guys, I loved all the jersey-popping and bench-stomping and chest-thumping in game 7, after you finally beat the Hawks in the last game of the series. Kevin Garnett is so intense. Veteran experience is so important. The holy spirit of Dave Cowens has entered the building. The Celtics love playing with each other. Wake me up when the talking heads are just heads.

The conventional wisdom is that the competitiveness of the Eastern Conference playoffs reflects the fact that the East wasn't really the sucker conference after all. On the contrary, the Hawks/Celtics and Wiz/Cavs series more likely showed that no one in the East could go for the kill. Ugh. So, now we get to the prime time stage of the NBA's B-Squad tournament, and it's Ubuntu vs. The Man.

Getting my prediction out of the way, I'm rolling with the Celtics, but I'm gonna put out there a 12% chance of LeBron winning the whole damn thing by himself. LeBron right now is Harry Truman meets Suge Knight. A dangerous nerd capable of destroying your lofty hopes, but a guy whom people still make fun of behind his back. And the Celtics won't respect him like the Wizards did. You see, the only reason the Wiz had a puncher's chance in that series is that they treated LBJ like MJ. They beat him up, they triple-teamed him, they trash-talked him non-stop, they let Wally Szczerbiak go for 26, they left Delonte West wide open for a game-winner. In other words, they treated LeBron like he was the only guy on the team that mattered, which is pretty darn close to the truth.

Now the Celtics, as opposed to the Wizards, have this aura of foolish pride that is going to likely inspire them to put Pierce on 'Bron in single coverage, which — as good of a defender as Pierce is — is going to be a handful. Maybe Doc Rivers can prove me wrong. Maybe he'll wise up and give 'Bron the Joe Johnson game 7 treatment. Maybe Tony Allen will finally get his proper burn, and maybe James Posey, the Celtics' MVPP (Most Valuable Player in the Playoffs), will get the LeBron assignment (and while we're at it, if Posey starts manning up James, can we get an over/under on how many times the term "length" is used?). But Doc hasn't proven anything yet this entire season, and I give him four games before he can figure out the proper way to guard Bronzino.

What I want to know is whether or not LeBron can get mean. LeBron never really could muster a cool response to the Wizards' prodding of him. Brendan Haywood's infantilizing mimicry of LeBron was hilarious as was DeShawn Stevenson's persistent wet-willying. Dude even let Papa John punk him. And yeah, the Cavaliers ended up winning the series and everyone was talking about how LeBron "spoke with his game" instead of verbally sparring with those plebeian Wizards. Eff. That. LeBron is never going to subvert his robotic/platonic image by actually SAYING anything at all that is more than a cliché or a carefully scripted "I'm above all that" cop-out non-response.

If LeBron can unleash some authentic from-the-soul wrath, he can overcome the dung-storm that the Boston crowd is gonna rain on him. Otherwise, it's curtains for the Cavaliers and another sad summer of speculation from Cleveland fans about LeBron's allegiances, his supporting cast, etc. Let's just say it — now that KG is paired up with Piru Love and Jesus Shuttlesworth, we can safely say that 'Bron is the superstar that has endured the worst supporting casts of all time. When your Pippen-of-the-month has been downgraded to Joe Smith, your chances of a title are slim. Let's hope 'Bron can take things personal, fire himself up and make things interesting.

With Game 4 of the Wizards-Cavs series about to tip off in the Verizon Center comes the news via The Washington Post's (Boooooooo!) Wizards Insider blog that the overcooked rivalry between LeBron James and DeShawn Stevenson has extended into the hip-hop arena. It all started with Queen James waving off the feud saying that if he deigned to respond to DeShawn, it "would be like Jay-Z saying something bad about Soulja Boy." Well, Soulja Boy was in attendance to back his basketball analog in D.C. for Game 3. In response, Hova recorded a diss track aimed at DeShawn, which was played at one of Marc Barnes' annoying D.C. clubs I never go to.

Jay-Z, the Jigga Man, H-to-the-Izzo, Mr. Beyonce Knowles, made [a] diss record about DeShawn Stevenson that was played at the D.C. night spot Love on Friday night, according to several witnesses. I have not heard the song or the lyrics but I was told that Jay-Z freestyled over the beat for the track, "Blow The Whistle" by rapper Too Short.

Sorry, Mr Carter. If DeShawn can't feel his face, he's most certainly invulnerable to your barbs. Lucky for Jay-Z that slam poet Etan Thomas remains out, because I have a feeling there would be a snappy response that somehow inculpates him in the Iraq War.

In the later game, the Jazz try to seriously make Tracy McGrady cry by taking a 2-0 lead on the road in Houston. (Those Mormons sure do get feisty!)

But like most of you, we're still hoping for an epic Arenas-LeBron battle in the Cleveland-Washington series. Gilbert looks healthy enough to make this fun. Tonight, we'd all like to flee to the Cleve.

(Winner of Game 2 brings the juice boxes.)

Twenty of James' 32 points were in the latter 24 minutes, while Arenas — who didn't start — finished with 24 points and missed two shots late in the fourth quarter to try and pull back even with Cleveland. Some might question the tactic of shunning James through the media before the game, but perhaps they didn't insult him enough. What of his body odor? His ability at Scrabble? His naivete when it comes to clicking on random Internet links? Don't relent, Washington. This series is still within your grips.

Phoenix-San Antonio rages onward as today's final post comes to a close, but the playoffs for today are but half over. You're free to get your Dallas-New Orleans series "onward," as the kids like to say at ice cream socials these days. And the rematch between the Jazz Hands and the Rocket Men will commence a little past your bedtime, mister, but you've been good, so feel free to stay up late for it.

And yes, you can have some of that sandwich. There's enough for everyone. Damon Jones didn't finish his.

Technically, this is the third year in a row that the Wizards and Cavs have met in the first round. In 2006, LeBron reminded us that he could do no wrong, even as he tackled the playoffs for the first time. But Gilbert Arenas refused to back down, matching James's iron-wrought majesty with fiery whim. Cleveland won in 6, and James marched on, but it was this series that put Arenas on the map.

For 2007, the sham police were out in full force. Arenas went down with a knee injury toward season's end; to add insult to injury, Caron Butler came up lame, too. The once-proud Wizards became the team everyone wanted in round one, and Cleveland got them. The sweep came easy, and James's play was strong, if somewhat perfunctory. Gil tried in vain to spice things up by chirping loud from the bench, but Biz LeBron was in no mood. Last year had come down to playground tactics, with James whispering in Gil's ear right before he clanked out the game-winning free throws in OT. This time, it was beneath him to trifle.

So now, we head into another installment of the most disjointed, unmentionable rivalry in all of pro sports. Gil missed the entire season with that same bum knee, but now may or may not be ready to step up and star again. No one, not even, Arenas himself, seems certain of his condition. Is he available in spurts? Poised to take up the Barbosa-like mantle of zany instant offense? Or, heaven forbid, will he take his rightful place in the starting lineup by the second game? He's announced his plans to be more of a distributor, but in his few games back it's his scoring that's truly dazzled.

Why all the recap? Because these two teams are perfectly situated to fight each other for years. James and Arenas are two of the most natural-born rivals in the entire league: One entitled, god-like, and barely human, the other a first-class underdog determined to keep himself always fighting the odds. And against James, he — or anyone — will always come up imperfect and strange. But somehow, this feels like a strange coincidence, like seeing two people in one day who bought the same glasses as you. The NBA deserves better than this and indeed, all players involved deserve more.

We routinely say that THIS IS A LEAGUE OF STARS. You can keep your Zydrunas/Haywood matchup, your "worst game coach showdown," and even DeShawn Stevenson's endless rants and raves. I know LeBron thinks it's about him to respond too much, and Gil is mostly focused on working his way back home, but come on. One of you will win this series, but that's not all that's at stake. Look a little deeper, and Brand James took a hit last year — there was that one incandescent game about Detroit, but aside from that he was either rote or unseen. And that Finals debacle has been erased from our collective memory in the sole interest of preserving the world economy, which relies so heavily on LeBron's future worth.

And Gil, my man, this is your moment. Push Stevenson over to the side; his yapping is unsubtle and artless. Last year, you had no problem talking shit while laid up in a suit. You want a challenge? You want to show that you belong up there with LeBron, Wade or Kobe? After 2006, you were getting there; through no fault of your own, that path was lost. But what could be more classically Arenas-ian than taking this series on your back from the get-go? Let Caron and Antawn get theirs; honor what the team has accomplished without you. But for reals, this feels like it was scripted for you to thrive.

In spirit of 2006, from the ashes of 2007, across a landscape of resignation and incidental associations, it's time that LeBron and Arenas recognize that this isn't some fluke. They are both at defining moments in their careers, and like it or not, they need each other. By revisiting the past, they can renew themselves for the future. Let's recapture that LeBron we didn't take for granted. That Arenas whose insanity was matched only by his will. Without this, yeah, it's two Eastern teams, one of which features LeBron. But if we embrace the past here, instead of dismissing it as muddle, this series has the potential to revitalize two of the NBA's most charismatic figures.

Let the West, or the Celtics, worry about the L.O.B. The playoffs are about that, but it's also where reputations come into being. This is two guys returning to their roots, whether they realize it or not. Here's hoping they deliver unto us a real clash of civilizations.

This is going to be the most (and only?) exciting first-round matchup in the East, and second only to Suns-Spurs in the West. The drama has been building for weeks, and now these teams are going to go the hell at it. Cancel your dates (or make her/him come over and serve you beer). Take a leave of absence from work. Tell your mom you'll call her in a few weeks. Put Papa John's on speed dial. But whatever you do, DO NOT MISS THIS SERIES.

The season series: It was a 2-2 tie, with Washington winning the bookends and Cleveland taking the gooey center games. The first two "contests" were complete blowouts: The Wizards won by 19 in December and the Cavaliers won by 36 in January. The second two games were total barnburners: In February, Cleveland won 90-89 after LeBron James hit two freethrows with 7.8 seconds left; in March, Washington won 101-99 when LeBron got called for an offensive foul with 19.4 seconds left and then missed a 27-footer at the buzzer while getting the wet blanket treatment from DeShawn Stevenson.

Good news for the Wizards: Well, first of all, their big guns — Antawn Jamison, Caron Butler and Gilbert Arenas — are all back and (seemingly) healthy (or at least injury-free). Second of all, King James isn't healthy. In case you haven't heard (what, are you living under a rock?), Bron-Bron's back is hurting, which is probably the result of his season-long Atlas impersonation. And you can see that pain written in his splits: All of his numbers, particularly his rebound and assist totals, are down in April. He's still attacking the hole, but he can't hit the boards the way he usually does. Maybe he'll be fine once the series starts, maybe he won't. But if he isn't, I don't see Wally Szczerbiak or Ben Wallace picking up the slack, do you? (Man, they could sure use Larry Hughes right about now! I keed, I keeeeeeed!)

Bad news for the Wizards: They've been talking so much trash about LeBron and the Cavaliers that Charles Barkley recently came out and said: "I think the Washington Wizards have got to be the dumbest team in the history of civilization." You know it's reached the crisis point when Sir Charles makes an unintentional Waltonism. The Locksmith has gone on the record as saying that LeBron is "overrated," while Agent Zero has been spouting off on his blog about how "everybody wants Cleveland in that first round" and that the Wizards are going to "Bush" — that is, distract — LeBron with Stevenson's defense/offense combination so that they can sneak off with some wins.

This tactic backfired on Chuck Person in the first round of the 1991 playoffs, and it seems like a pretty big chance to take now. Why rile up LeBron? Why give the Cavaliers ammunition? I know that most (if not all) professional basketball players are raving egomaniacs and that they're gonna talk junk in the locker room ... but leave it there. You don't stare down an oncoming train, you don't shoot a bear in the ass with a BB gun, and you never, ever, ever tug on Superman's cape unless you're packing a fistful of Kryptonite. And guess what, Washington Wizards? Kryptonite doesn't exist.

Reality check: Angry or not, it seems pretty unlikely that LeBron is going to recapture last season's magic and make it back to the NBA Finals. Heck, he might not even make it out of the first round. Seriously. This Cavaliers team is poorly constructed and even more poorly coached. Ben Wallace is aging at an exponential rate (I expect him to burst into dust any minute), Wally Szczerbiak looks completely lost in Cleveland's one-play offense, and their best "shooter" is Delonte West. I would not be surprised to see LeBron choke a bitch, and if that bitch isn't Stevenson, it could very well be Cavaliers 2 through 12.

Cavaliers player(s) to watch: LeBron James, LeBron James, and, of course, LeBron James. How badly is he really hurting? Can he do it all by himself again? It'll also be interesting to see what Big Ben has left. My guess is "nothing," but we'll see. And who's going to be the third scoring option (after Zydrunas Ilgauskas)? West? Szczerbiak? Devin Brown?

Wizards player(s) to keep an eye on: DeShawn Stevenson, for one. He's officially thrown down the gauntlet. Actually, you know what? He's slapped LeBron upside the head with it. Now it's time to put his money where his extra-large mouth is. If he can't contain LeBron, the Wizards don't have a chance. Also, it'll be interesting to see whether Arenas is ready for playoff-level basketball. Also, Brendan Haywood needs to protect the paint from LeBron and his many basket attacks ... because nobody else on the Wizards roster seems to be able to do that.

Key(s) to the series: LeBron's back. Is it healthy? The "other" Cavaliers. Are they ready to contribute? Hell, are they even capable of it? DeShawn Stevenson. Will he hold down The King or get eaten alive. Cleveland's defense. Can they keep the Washington's Big Three from scoring 20 per game each? The Wizards' chemistry. Now that everybody's back and playing, can they adjust to working together toward one common goal?

Prediction: If LeBron gets past his back woes, Cavs in seven. If he doesn't, Wizards in six.

Was Brown fouled? Sure. Samuel Dalembert got him with the body. Although let's be honest, how often are fouls like that called in end-of-game situations? Here's a hint: Never. Although I guess that should be amended to "almost never" now. Of course, you could argue that officials should make the right call regardless of when it happens and who's involved, and I'd agree with you. But if that's really what they were trying to do, they should have called LeBron for traveling well before Brown got fouled. Seriously. Go back and watch the video again. King James takes three full steps before the ball got batted into Brown's hands.

Did the refs just miss it? Or was somebody clicking madly away at The Stern Button? In general, I hate conspiracy theories. They're bad for any sport, and most of the time they're just smoke and mirrors, angry fans venting because their team lost. But man ... this one is more than a little fishy. The video review, a tough call to decide the game after the final buzzer had sounded ... I could almost let those things go if LeBron hadn't taken a stroll to China to set of the chain of events. It's just, well, wow.

And you'd better believe there were playoff implications:

Cleveland: The loss-turned-win allowed them to clinch home-court advantage against Washington in the first round. And they way they've been playing lately — and considering the fact that LeBron's still dealing with a cranky back — they need every advantage they can get right now.

Philadelphia: The win-turned-loss dropped them from a tie for sixth place into the seventh spot. This means they have to face the Detroit Pistons in the first round. And frankly, if you covered a baby in raw hamburger and dropped it into a cage full of hungry, rabid dogs, I'd sooner bet on that baby coming out on top than I would on the Sixers making it to the second round. Then I'd ask you why the hell you're torturing babies like that. What are you, some kind of sicko?

Toronto: Had Philly won last night, the Raptors would have had to either win in Chicago on Wednesday or hope that the Sixers lost in Charlotte. Instead, they now have sole possession of the sixth seed and a first round date with the Magic. And you'd better believe the dinos would rather play Orlando than Detroit.

Washington: If the refs hadn't given the Cavaliers a gift, Washington still could have stolen home-court on Wednesday if 1. they had beaten Orlando and 2. Cleveland lost in Detroit. Now they have no other choice but to open the playoffs on the road.

Maybe none of it matters. After all, the Basketball Gods take cheater's proof pretty seriously. So maybe Washington will prevail over Cleveland, and maybe Philly won't do any worse against the Pistons than they would have against the Magic. Maybe ... maybe ...

Sixers forward Andre Iguodala said: "You feel like you just got seriously slapped in the face. It was like we had the 'W' and it was marked off." Added Sixers coach Maurice Cheeks: "To be a winner, then a loser, that's pretty tough." No kidding. LeBron James led the Cavs with 27 points, Zydrunas Ilgauskas added 22, and Brown had 13 points, including the winning freethrows. Andre Miller paced Philly with 26 points.

Psyche! Part II. The Wizards weren't all that concerned with beating the Pacers — Agent Zero took the night off, Tough Juice sat out with a (fake) bruised knee, and the Locksmith played only seven minutes due to an (also fake) sore back - but the team's reserves, led by Roger Mason's 31 points, still managed to overpower Indiana and take a 117-110 victory. The loss officially eliminated the Pacers from the playoffs, which is the NBA equivalent of a mercy killing. I mean, did Indiana really want to suffer through a four-game ball-busting from the Celtics? Wouldn't that have made Larry Bird's oddly-shaped head explode?

Meanwhile, the Verizon Center public address announcer informed the home crowd that Cleveland had lost. That, combined with Washington's win, kept alive the possibility that the Wiz could end up with home-court advantage in the first round. Too bad for the artists formerly known as the Bullets that somebody in Philadelphia had used The Stern Button to ensure that LeBron James would not open the playoffs on the road. Said Mason: "Somebody told me Cleveland lost. I felt that much better. I come in the locker room and they're shooting two freethrows." Yeah. Bummer.

Raptors "earn" the East's sixth seed. Thanks to the Sixers' victory-turned-loss and their own 91-75 victory over the Washington Generals Miami Heat, the Toronto Raptors earned - well, "backed into" is more like it - the sixth spot in the Eastern Conference playoffs and a first round duel with the Orlando Magic. Huzzah! And Chris Bosh? He's stoked. "It's going to be a lot of fun. Dwight (Howard) is a good friend of mine, but he's one of the best competitors that I have in this league. You know he's going to go hard. We have to..." you know what? The rest is just a bunch of blah, blah, blah. But trust me, Bosh is both excited and respectful of Howard and the Magic.

Rasho Nestorvic continued his Resurrection Tour by scoring 22 points on 10-for-19 shooting and grabbing seven rebounds. Daequan Cook scored 22 for the Heat, who have lost 21 of their last 24 games and are one loss away from the worst record in franchise history. Said Miami coach Pat Riley: "It's been one of those years. I've never been through one like this, with all the things that have happened, never even come close to a season like this." I bet Riles wishes he would have saved the whole "15 Strong" schtick for this season, huh?

Sweet merciful Zeus! Where did that come from?! The Chicago Bulls scored 151 points against the Milwaukee Bucks last night. Do not go check the box score. That is not a typo. The Bulls put up 151 — just four points off the franchise record of 155 set on December 4, 1990 against the Phoenix Suns — on 67 percent shooting. Which begs the questions: Did the Bucks even bother to show up for this one? As a matter of fact they did, because they scored 135 points on 57 percent shooting themselves. Like the old saying goes: "Defense is just waiting to get back on offense."

Some of the other absurd stats from this game include: Luol Deng scored 32 points on 15-for-20 shooting; Chris Duhon had a "trying to save my NBA career" performance by hitting for 22 points and dishing out 15 assists; Ben Gordon added 29 on 10-for-18 shooting; Larry Hughes shot 66 percent (I'm just going to assume that's a career-high); "Razor" Ramon Sessions — who spent most of the season with the D-League's Tulsa 66ers — scored 20 points and handed out a Milwaukee franchise record 24 assists, thus becoming the first Bucks player ever to record a 20-20 game with points and assists; Andrew Bogut notched 25 points on 8-for-11 shooting; Charlie Villanueva added 22 on 8-for-12 shooting. Crazy. I can only hope some of you have multiple players from these squads on your fantasy team.

The "Boston Celtics" beat the Knicks. Doc Rivers gave his Big Three the night off, used a starting lineup of Rajon Rondo, Tony Allen, Kendrick Perkins, James Posey and Leon Powe, and watched his "Celtics" beat the New York 99-93 in what may be — sorry, in what totally was — Isiah's final home game as coach of the Knicks. With his team one loss away from tying the worst record in franchise history, Isiah is still sweating out Donnie Walsh's decision on whether or not Zeke will be asked back for another season. Which has to be like waiting for the guillotine blade to fall. Said Isiah: "There are certain time when you live in uncertainty and you're not comfortable with it, but you have to learn to settle and be patient and see what plays out. And we all want certainty in our life. However, in the uncertain times you have to sit with it and in sports there are a lot of uncertain times." Well, he's certainly more philosophic about getting ready to be fired than I would be. So he's got that going for him. However, the fans still booed him and chanted for his termination in the final minutes.

Meanwhile, Boston got all pumped up by a half-time speech from Masters winner Trevor Immelman. Nobody really knew who he was, but the C's must have liked what they heard. Said Boston coach Doc Rivers: "It was great. Half the guys didn't know him, but most of them did. They gave him a nice standing ovation, shook his hand. We wanted everyone to touch what a champion felt like." Wait...half of them didn't know him, but most of them did...okay. And, Doc wanted his guys to touch what a champion felt like? That sounds more like the opening of Locker Room Jocks 17 than and NBA halftime, but whatever. Rajon Rondo had 23 points and 10 rebounds for Boston, while his backup Sam Cassell had 22 points, a giant set of balls, and some pre-game "stretching" from Celtics strength and conditioning coach Bryan Doo. Nate Robinson scored 26 for the Knicks, and David Lee added 12 points and 16 rebounds.

First round playoff preview? You betcha. The Utah Jazz gave the Houston Rockets a small taste of what to expect if the two teams should meet in the first round of the Western Conference playoffs: Brutal defense (which held Houston to 40 percent shooting), dominance on the boards (which led to a 50-38 advantage, including 16 offensive rebounds), and an early 17-point lead that eventually became a 105-96 victory.

The Jazz and Rockets have identical 54-27 records. But Utah holds the tiebreaker, so if they finish the season with the same record the Jazz get homecourt. And I hate to break this to Houston fans, but that's very bad news for their team. Of course, the Rockets finish up their season at home against the Clippers, while the Jazz have to finish their run in San Antonio ... where they've lost 17 straight regular season games. So, once again, anything could happen. Carlos Boozer broke out of his mini-slump with 21 points and 11 rebounds for Utah, and Luis Scola led Houston with 22 and 13.

It's called "taking care of business." It's what champions do. The Spurs held on to beat the Kings 101-98, thanks to Tony Parker's season-high 32 points and 11 assists (and despite Matt Bonner's mind-boggling six trillion). San Antonio's win + Houston's loss = The third seed in the West. John Salmons had 29 and 10 for Sacramento.

Take off the "We Believe" t-shirts. The party's over. It's mathematically official: The Golden State Cinderellas ... I mean, Warriors ... won't be invited to the 2008 NBA Playoff party. The Phoenix Suns blew a 17-point lead and fell behind by 11 before rallying for a 122-116 win that moved them into a three-way tie (with Houston and Utah) for the West's fourth seed. And that all happened in the second half, during which Baron Davis (2-for-13) didn't play a single second. Said Warriors coach Don Nelson: "I gave Baron a much-needed rest in the second half." So you benched your captain, co-emotional leader, and clutchest player with a shot at the playoffs at stake? Man, I must have missed skipped over that section of the Nellie Ball User Guide.

Amare Stoudemire, who was battling vaginal cramps a cold led Phoenix with 28 points on 9-for-12 shooting. Said Stat: "I was fighting a severe cold out there. It was hard for me to get my energy up. Fatigue definitely came in a lot faster than normal, but I was able to get it going that fourth quarter and give us a spark to help get this win." Wow. You're a regular Willis Reed there, Amare. Shaq had a double-double (19 points, 15 rebounds) and Steve Nash just missed a triple-double (13 points, 9 rebounds, and 14 assists). Captain Jack scored 23 for Golden State, and Quills had 16 points and 11 boards.

What's the worst part? When he completely disregards the opening question? When he responds to a question from the host about underaged sexual abuse with "it's not a black and white thing?" Or when she just cuts him off at the end? So many to choose from.

The Cavaliers' Lance Allred: Not Quite Ready For Morning TV [Clevescene]

• You Might Think The Suns Play Horrible Defense ... but you're wrong. They don't play any defense. None. The Hornets scored 120 points on 53 percent shooting and had six players in double figures, led by David West (27) and Chris Paul (25 points, 15 assists). Hell, even Jannero Pargo got into the act with 22 points. Jannero Pargo! Five Inflatable Defenders could play better D than the Suns. Five Chris Dudleys could manage more defensive stops. I know I'm prone to exaggeration, but this is not hyperbole. Said Phoenix coach Mike D'Antoni: "In the third quarter they just didn't miss or we couldn't guard, one or the other." Mike, it was the other, trust me. And it wasn't just the third quarter, either. Oy. The Suns got 32 points and 14 rebounds out of Amare Stoudemire, 13 assists out of Steve Nash, and The Big Cactus had 15 points and 7 rebounds, but got pwned! by Tyson Chandler (12 points, 15 rebounds, and lots and lots of dunks).

• Okay, Fine. He's The Real Turkish Assassin. I was informed yesterday by certain astute readers that I had incorrectly identified Hedo Turkoglu as "The Turkish Assassin." That title, I was told, belongs to none other than Mehmet Okur. And last night, Okur went out and proved those readers right by scoring 11 of his 24 points in the fourth quarter - including two three-pointers in the final three minutes - to help the Utah Jazz rally from a 15-point second-half deficit to beat the Pistons 103-95. Fun fact: According to Wikipedia, Okur's "official" nicknames are "Memo," "Money Man" and "The Stinky Armpit of Turkey." Okay, okay...I made "Memo" up. Rip Hamilton and Chauncey Billups were the one-two punch for Detroit, scoring 22 and 21 points, respectively.

• Travis Diener Needs To Do Some Research. After Larry Hughes lit the Pacers up for 29 points (10-for-19) in Chicago's 113-107 victory, Dick Diener's little nephew shamelessly abused the English language by stringing the following nonsense words together: "[Hughes] is a good player. There's a reason he has a big contract. They don't just throw money away to [bad] players." Oh yes they do, Travis. They most certainly do. Exhibit A: Stephon Marbury is currently making $20,109,375 (the third highest salary in the league). Exhibit B: Raef LaFrentz (1.7 PPG, 1.6 RPG) is making $11,813,750. Exhibit C: Antoine Walker and Kwame Brown are both making around $9 million this season...and Employee #8 still has three years and $30 million left on his contract! (Have fun choking down that buyout, Kevin.) So I think it's been pretty firmly established that "they" do indeed reward bad players with fat contracts. Hughes' fellow Cleveland castaway Drew Gooden added 10 points and 15 rebounds for the Bullies, while Mike Dunleavy Jr. led Indiana with 25 points.

• Uh, Maybe We Should Start Taking These Guys Seriously. The Philadelphia 76ers stuck a broom handle in the Orlando Magic's collective butt last night and then proceeded to mop the floor with them on their way to a neat and tidy 101-89 victory. The Sixers have now won seven straight at home and eight of 10 overall. I'm telling you, the only things standing between Philly and a trip to the NBA Finals are the Boston Celtics, Detroit Pistons, LeBron James, and possibly the Magic and Toronto Raptors. Oh, and the Washington Wizards if Caron Butler and Gilbert Arenas ever get healthy. But other than that...

• Revenge Of The Bibby. Traded players always want to get a little payback against their old teams, and that's exactly what Mike Bibby did against the Sacramento Kings, scoring 24 points and dishing 12 assists in the Atlanta Hawks' 123-117 win. Sacramento coach Reggie Theus showed off his expansive knowledge of mathematology while calculating the causes of his team's latest loss. "We allowed a team averaging 90 points to score 123," Theus said. "We gave up 40 points in the first quarter and 34 in the third." In other news, 2 + 2 still equals 4 and long division can be a real bitch. And don't even get me started on polynomials. Fantasy watch: Al Horford had 16 points and 14 boards for the dirty birds, and the Kings got 20-point games out of Beno Udrih (25), Ron Artest (23) and Brad Miller's goatee (25).

• The Bobcats Are The Cure For What Ails A Team. The Knicks not only won last night, they blew out the Bobcats 113-89. And you could almost see Isiah Thomas tearing up his suicide note on the sidelines. New York got 22 points out of Nate Robinson and another 20 from Jamal Crawford. Now, I don't mean to diminish this wonderful and historic win, but the 'Cats were without leading scorer Gerald Wallace and Jason Richardson scored only 7 points before leaving the game with a right eye contusion and a small corneal abrasion. Oh, yeah, and Charlotte kind of sucks, too. But the Knicks are like a starving dog who will eat its own poop to survive. In other words, they'll take the win.

• Oh No, Randy, Please Don't Trade Us! Minnesota coach Randy Wittman's goddamn head almost exploded last night when his Timberwolves dropped a 107-85 decision to the Toronto Raptors. "If you want to get to the position of being a playoff team, a win like [the previous night's victory over the Jazz] you have to back up with an effort the next night," Wittman said. "That's going to be the difference on whether you're going to make it in the league or not. That's what we're trying to find out here, who are we moving forward with while we're rebuilding this? If you can't understand that for 82 games, we'll find someone who can." First off, Randy, it's probably too much to ask of a 12-win club to win back-to-back games on back-to-back nights against two playoff teams, especially when the second game is on the road. Secondly...do you really think that you're going to scare anybody by threatening to get rid of them? Because I don't see a lot of players clamoring to become a Timberwolf. I'm just sayin'. Anyway, Chris Bosh led the mighty dinos with 28 points and T.J. Ford came off the bench to toss in 16. Al Jefferson continued his Kevin Garnett-Lite season by scoring 23 for the T-Wolves. Fun fact: According to Wittman, Antoine Walker missed the game due to "a passport problem." Uh huh.

• Hey, Seattle ... It's Called "Hand In The Face." Try It Sometime. The Denver Nuggets used the Seattle SuperSonics as a prop their poster, shooting a franchise-best 67 percent field and scoring the most points in the NBA this season in a 138-96 win. "If no one is on the floor, it's hard to shoot the percentage they shot," Seattle coach P.J. Carlesimo said after a night spent making funny faces at his bench. "We didn't defend at all." In other news, Steve Kerr called Sonics GM Sam Presti and wants to trade for his entire roster. Allen Iverson led the scoring charge with 31 points on 13-for-18 shooting, Kenyon Marting returned to the land of the living with 23, and Marcus Camby had 12 points, 14 rebounds, and 5 blocked shots. And of course, Kevin Durant scored 16 points on 17 shots for Seattle.

• The King versus The Black Mamba. In the grand tradition of Mothra versus Godzilla, Alien versus Predator and Screech versus Horshack, two NBA mega-superpowers collided yesterday. And the force of their mighty, slapping impact actually tore a hole in the Staples Center roof, letting in a steady flow of deadly water drips that delayed the game for 12 minutes near the end of the first quarter. Kobe Bryant slithered his way to 33 points, 12 rebounds and 6 assists, but he shot 4-for-15 in the second half (and only 1-for-7 in the fourth quarter). Lebron James, on the other hand, hit five of his seven fourth quarter shots - one of which was a sick fadeaway with Kobe right in his mug - and netted a majestic 41 points in the game to propel the Cavaliers to a big 98-95 win over the Lakers. James then went on an unstoppable rampage, stomping through Los Angeles and smashing the city into dust.

• Get well, KG! After his Willis Reed-like return from a sore tummy muscle on Friday night, the Big Ticket said, "My philosophy has always been that if I can run, if I can move, if I can blink, if I can wake up in the morning, I'm going to play." Well, Garnett didn't play against Orlando, so...what? His eyelids stopped working? His alarm didn't go off on Sunday morning? Somebody needs to look into this. In his absence, Paul Pierce led the C's in points (24), rebounds (9), and angry scowls (37). Boston used a little Celtic Pride to erase a 16-point second-half deficit, but Hedo Turkoglu - who had a game-high 27 points - hit an off-balance three-pointer as time expired to secure a 96-93 victory for the Magic. Somewhere, Chris Webber must have been thinking "Oh, now you can hit a clutch shot? Now?!"

• It's all about being aggressive. I'm starting to get the funny feeling that Kirk Hinrich likes playing without Ben Gordon (sprained right wrist) and Luol Deng (sore left Achilles). After leading his team with 31 points (12-for-23), Captain Kirk explained his sudden and unexpected competence: "I'm just trying to be aggressive. (I'm) trying to make a conscious effort to take the ball to the basket, trying to make plays." This is quite a departure from earlier in the season, when he was clearly trying to not make plays. Unfortunately for Hinrich and the Bulls, Leandro Barbosa used a baseline drive and a couple three-pointers to spark a 12-0 fourth quarter run that propelled the Suns to an 88-77 victory. Barbosa, who had gotten off to a slow start, described how he turned things around: "I always like to be aggressive. I saw the space for me to go to the basket and I made the shot, so I was happy." Just think what a happy, wonderful place the world would be if we could all be a little more aggressive.

• We're coming for you, Seattle. A few days after beating the Phoenix Suns with a career-high 39 points, Al Jefferson used a new career-high of 40 points to beat the Nets 98-95. After the game, Jefferson said: "Twenty games ago, we would have lost the game tonight." When asked how the T-Wolves could have possibly played tonight's game 20 games ago, Jefferson went into a mild rant about quantum physics, tachyon particles, and warm butter. Anyway, Seattle's lead on Minnesota is down to one game, so we could have a new "worst team in the league" soon. Meanwhile, Richard Jefferson scored 35 points for the Nets, who have lost nine in a row and can also rightly be considered one of the worst teams in the league.

• Brandon Roy has a fever. A fever for the flavor of...victory. Despite a warm, clammy forehead and what Blazers coach Nate McMillam described as "watery eyes," Roy scored 24 points and hit the go-ahead freethrow with 2.3 seconds left to seal a 94-93 victory over the Atlanta Hawks. Joe Johnson scored 19 points and Anthony Johnson dished out 11 assists for the dirty birds, who dropped to 18-22 overall and 6-13 on the road.

• Revenge Of The Nerds. In their first meeting since June's Nielsen ratings bonanza, LeBron James hit a jumper with less than a minute to go to give the Cavaliers a solid 90-88 victory over the Spurs in Texas. James tallied 27 points, 9 rebounds and 7 assists for Cleveland, who shot 46 percent from the field. Manu Ginobili, who missed an open jumper at the buzzer that would have forced overtime, led the Spurs with 31 points. Tim Duncan chipped in his usual 20, 11 and incessant whining for the defending champs.

• Sweet Babboo. Linas Kleiza scored a career-high 41 points and grabbed nine rebounds as the Nuggets beat the Jazz 120-109. Um, yeah, one more time, in case you skimmed that: Linas! Kleiza! scored a career-high 41 points and grabbed nine rebounds as the Nuggets beat the Jazz 120-109. This is why we watch the game, folks! Marcus Camby also got into the personal best act, tying his career high in rebounds (24) and blocks (11) to help Denver end a two-game slide.

• Equilibrioception. First off, there is no imagined rift between Suns GM Steve Kerr and coach Mike D'Antoni. They feed each other strawberries, and just saw "P.S. I Love You" together, OK? Case closed. Leandro Barbosa scored 22 points and Shawn Marion added 20 and 16 rebounds as the Suns beat the Andrew Bynum-less Lakers 106-98 to regain the West's number one spot. Boris Diaw scored 19 points, Steve Nash had 13 and a season-high 20 assists, and Linas Kleiza somehow scored 11 for the Suns. Man, he was feelin' it last night.

Ah, TMZ: Obtaining hypnotically banal, incomprehensible videos since early 2006. Is that LeBron's car? Sure! Of course! Totally! Or something!

The Only Thing That Can Stop LeBron [TMZ]

• Zoom-Zoom. Last night, LeBron James abused Mike Miller like an open stretch of Ohioan highway. *Short snare drum roll with a cymbal crash* The King scored a season-high 51 points, including 25 in the fourth quarter and overtime, to lead the Cavaliers over the Grizzle 132-124. James made 18 of 28 shots and had nine assists and eight rebounds. (Take note, Kobe.) The 51 points matched the best scoring performance of the season.

• Hang The Banner. Washington beats Boston. New York beats Washington. Therefore, New York is better than Boston. It's simple math really. Jamal Crawford scored 29 points as the Knicks beat the Wizards 105-93 to give Zeke and his boys consecutive victories for only the third time this season. Zach Randolph added 14 points for the Knicks, who'll shoot for that super rare three-game winning streak tonight in New Jersey.

• Thief In The Night. If you're missing a crisp twenty dollar bill from your man-purse this morning, chances are Baron Davis has it. The Bodyguard had 22 points, nine assists and a season-high five steals to lead the Warriors past the Wolves 105-98. Antoine Walker led Minnesota with a decade-high 26 points off the bench. No, seriously, he did.

• Sam He Is. Phoenix not like losing here or there. Phoenix not like losing anywhere. Phoenix not like losing with a Bell. Phoenix not like Sam, Sam-J-Cassell. Sam Cassell scored 32 points and had seven assists as the Clippers beat the Suns 97-90 to snap a four-game losing streak. Corey Maggette added 21 in the win.

• Sunday Bloody Sunday. Dearest Sam Mitchell: Anthony Parker cannot stop LeBron James one-on-one. In fact, Anthony Parker — wielding a goddamn scythe — cannot stop LeBron James one-one-one. So hey, why don't you wise up, try coaching a little, and change your defensive strategy? Fuck. LeBron James scored 39 points, including 24 in the fourth, to help the Cavs rally for a 93-90 victory over the Raps. I was there in person. I was a witness.

• Advanced Search. Less than a week ago, Andrew Bogut told Bucks' beat reporters that he was "going to Google 'Win' or 'Learning How to Win'" to try and figure out what in hell was wrong with his team. Well, he must've found something. Bogut scored 25 points, including a short hook shot with 19 seconds to go, to lead the Bucks to a 93-89 win over the Cats. Charlie Bell added 27 for Milwaukee, in large part thanks to AltaVista.

• Boogie Afternoons. You're not going to believe this, but Dirk Nowitzki was caught staring at his penis during a few timeouts in the fourth quarter of yesterday's game. Yeah, he's back, baby! Diggler led Dallas in scoring for the ninth straight contest, scoring 30 points in 32 minutes, as the Mavericks dominated the Wolves 101-78. Minnesota has now lost eight in a row.

• The More Things Change, The More Things Stay The Same. Allen Iverson scored 38 points and the Sixers lose. Just like old times. (Denver 109, Philadelphia 96.)

• Mano-A-Mamba. LeBron James scored 33 points and shut out Kobe when the NBA's top two scorers went one-on-one in the final minutes as the Cavs bounced back from losing to the Knicks with a 94-90 win over the Lakers. "I didn't even ask [to play defense on Kobe]," James said. "I just told Sasha to go somewhere else." It worked. Bryant finished with 21 points, missed two shots with the King chasing him, and Pavlovic has yet to be seen since. In fact, if you have any information about his whereabouts, please contact Zydrunas Ilgauskas at thebigzztop@hotmail.lt. He's worried sick.

• Bonus Pain. The last thing I want to see when the Nets play the Heat is an extra quarter of basketball. Ugh. I'm pretty sure Baby Jesus hates me. Vincent Lamar Carter scored 31 points and Richard Allen Jefferson added 29 as the Nets overcame a seven-point deficit late in regulation before beating the Heat 107-103 in overtime. D-Wade scored a season-high 41 in the loss. Shaquille O'Neal didn't.

• We're Talking About Who? Anthony Carter hit a leaning jump shot with less than a second to go in the second overtime to give the Nuggets a hard- fought 112-111 victory over the shorthanded Rockets. Anthony Carter? We're sitting here talking about Anthony Carter. Not a 'Melo, not an Iverson, not a Camby ... we're talking about Anthony Carter. The game that we all go out there and watch and pay good money for and we're talking about Anthony Carter, man. How silly is that? Yao Ming had 26 points and 19 rebounds for Houston.

• American Beauty. You look at LeBron James, and this guy is cut from stone. As if Michelangelo was reading Deadspin and a lightening bolt of brilliance flashed before his eyes. The natural maturation process now enables this grandmaster to regularly accomplish the unimaginable. Most top players get to the point where they truly believe that anything is possible. Most are also governed by gravity, the laws of physics and self-regulating mental control mechanisms. LeBron James has left all these behind. A superhero amongst Clarks, LeBron James returned, off the bench, and the Cleveland Cavaliers, ignited by their superstar's return from a sprained left finger, snapped a six-game losing streak with the 118-105 victory over the Indiana Pacers. Larry Hughes, a player riddled with as many injuries throughout his career as even I, also came off the bench and scored a season-high 36 points in just 26 minutes. Like the flaxseed Prairie growers of Eastern Canada, that is production.

• Without A Net. T.J. Ford had 26 points before he was sent crashing from the heavens, casting a long, dark cloud over Toronto's 100-88 win over the Atlanta Hawks. Not for the weak-stomached or children, T.J. Ford was headed toward a breakaway basket when Atlanta rookie Al Horford hit the guard's face with his hand. Ford landed hard, his head bouncing. He was strapped to a stretcher and wheeled off the court. At times like this, I find solace in UCLA legend John Wooden, the greatest college coach in the history of basketball, who used to say that, "basketball is not the ultimate. It is of small importance in comparison to the total life we live. There is only one kind of life that truly wins, and that is the one that places faith in the hands of the Savior. Until that is done, we are on an aimless course that runs in circles and goes nowhere." Truer words have never been spoken. Get well, T.J. Ford. Get. Well.

• Reckoning. In the grand scheme of cosmic life it doesn't matter that the Golden State Warriors, led by Baron Davis' 18 points, six rebounds and six assists, defeated the Tim Duncan-less San Antonio Spurs to the tune of 96-84. Head-to-head and everything being equal, San Antonio, today's most successfully managed franchise in the universe, is still the best team in the league. Look at Matt Bonner's 25 points and 17 rebounds; truly one of the greats. Not just of this generation, but of all time. And Greg Popovich. What is there to say about Greg Popovich that hasn't already been said? He has everything a top coach has. He has the leadership, the passion, the commitment, the dedication, the vision, the swagger, the voice, the four limbs, the cock, the balls, the human touch. He will have this team repeating as champions.

• Built To Last. Yao Ming is the best thing to happen to the NBA in a long time. He is just a beautiful person inside and out. The vision, the creativity, the gentleness of spirit ... he has it all. He would have dominated the opposition had he played in this Chicago 123, Seattle 96 basketball game. Just dominated.

From AP: "James returned to Cleveland's bench late in the third quarter, sporting a suit and turtleneck, with tape wrapped around his index and middle fingers on his non-shooting hand. Late in the half, ice was packed and wrapped briefly over his left hand. James did not respond to a few questions as he walked to the team bus after the game carrying a pizza." Well, I guess that is quite an investment, and the Cavaliers want to protect it. And a sprained finger can hurt like a mother. Just seems odd to me. James was injured with 4:41 remaining in the first half, when the Pistons' Nazr Mohammed fouled him. "I didn't hit him that hard, but it's easy to sprain a finger," Mohammed said. "I'm sure he'll be OK." Tayshaun Prince had 16 points and Antonio McDyess had 14 for the Pistons.

• You Cannot Stop The Warriors. So Don Nelson is pretty much King of the San Francisco Bay Area now, after Golden State won yet again on Wednesday, establishing itself as the only winning team in any sport between Portland and Los Angeles. Stephen Jackson hit two key 3-pointers late in the fourth quarter to pace a 103-96 win over the Kings, and teammate Monta Ellis had 22 points. The Warriors have won seven of their past eight games.

• Tony Parker Lays Down The Beat. Tony Parker had 20 points in the second half and finished with 29, and 11 assists, as the Spurs cooled off the Wizards 109-94. What, you want to dance?

• Big Wednesday. Yao Ming, possibly the only NBA player not frightened by these, had 31 points and 13 rebounds to lead the Rockets over the suddenly-struggling Suns 100-94. Yao was 12-for-19 from the floor and scored eight of the Rockets' last 13 points.

James had 38 points and 13 assists, including 11 points in overtime. But consider this: Gooden was 8-for-8 from the field in the third quarter and finished with a season-high 24 points and 13 rebounds. The Cavaliers shot 29.4 percent from the field in the second quarter, but led by Gooden, they shot 80 percent in the third quarter when they took command.

"There was a lot of trash-talking going on out there," Gooden said. "I had time to think about it at halftime. I just told myself what I was going to do, and that's what I did. The trash-talking is fun. I love that type of atmosphere." I just wish they would mic up the players; TV ratings would skyrocket.

• We're Sorry You Had to See This. Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. Kobe Bryant scored six of his 35 points in the final 3:51 as the Lakers beat the SuperSonics 106-99. Kevin Durant had 25 points for Seattle, which lost its fifth straight. LA had about 80 turnovers in the final two minutes.

• The Heat Is On. With some guys, sometimes you need to pull them from the starting lineup to get their attention. Ricky Davis and Jason Williams came off the bench for 23 and 11 points (eight assists) respectively as the Heat beat the Bobcats 110-90.

• Bulls Win? What? Luol Deng had 22 points (LOL) as the The Bulls beat the Hawks 90-78, with Ben Gordon chipping in with 21 points. Chicago snapped a four-game losing streak. But then, have the Bulls ever lost to the Hawks, ever?

I have to say that watching him on tv does not do him justice. He has such an amazing presence on the court and affects the game in so many ways. I don't think I ever truly appreciated his greatness until tonight. His near triple double may have something to do with it, but even still, he's one of those players that you just can't take your eyes off. Everything in basketball comes to him so easily. No look behind the back pass in traffic? No problem. Silky smooth. Hustle back on D to prevent a fast break layup? No problem. Heck he even puts on a show during warm ups with some dunks and alley oops.

LeBron had 24 points, 14 rebounds, nine assists and three blocked shots. Baron Davis had had 29 points and 10 assists for the Warriors, who are playing so far as if the playoff win over the Mavericks is good enough to hold them for a couple of years.

• Houston Wins At Home? Yao Ming had 28 points and 13 rebounds to lead the Rockets over San Antonio 89-81. The Spurs dynasty is dead! (Just chiming in so I won't feel left out).

• Peja Makes It Rain. Just when he thought he had things figured out, Kobe Bryant took only 20 shots and scored 28 points in a 118-104 loss to New Orleans. Leading the winners were Peja Stojakovic, who made a franchise-high 10 3-pointers, and Chris Paul, who broke the franchise season mark with 21 assists. Oh by the way, if you thought gas prices were high ...

• Presenting Your Undefeated LA Clippers. Cuttino Mobley scored 33 points and Corey Maggette had 18 points, 10 rebounds and five assists to lead the Clippers over the Bulls 97-91. Frankie Muniz says shove it, Nicholson! (Then runs).