Thankfully, Portis returned to his natural hair color, but why did he make the switch in the first place?:

"I just felt like doing something different. You know, I think even with that, from what I hear, now I'm gay? I don't think there's a woman in the United States of America that would say I'm gay. So, you know, I don't hang around men, I don't live a private life, there's constantly people around me. You know, I did it because that was something that I felt like doing. At the moment it was like, 'Ohhh, I want to do something weird and different,' and that's what I did, I dyed my hair blond. You know, it wasn't an attention seeker. I actually was out of the country, I left the country after I did it, so I wasn't even over here once I did it. So it was just an experiment."

So just in case people questioned Portis' sexuality after his whimsical hair experiment, there is absolutely nothing to worry about. The entire U.S. female population can attest to that fact, apparently.

Clinton Portis Explains His Blond 'Do [DC Sports Bog] (via Mister Irrelevant)

Portis: "You think that I'm gonna back down? I ain't gonna back down."
Mitchell: "If you ever want to go to that area, that'll be the wrong thing you do. Believe that. Believe that."

More quotes after the jump. Believe that.

In addition to questioning his desire, his work ethic, his conditioning, and basically anything else to do with him, the formerly most prolific kick returner in NFL history, were on the verge of throwing down with Portis in the studio:

Portis: What you go on TV and say, what you sit on your radio show and say, 'Portis need to shut up?' Portis gonna keep talking.
Mitchell: You keep talking. Keep talking, bro.
Portis: So the fools saying Portis need to shut up, they can kiss Portis's ass. I'm saying that. Ain't nothing gonna change, my man....
Mitchell: Clinton, I'm gonna tell you like this bro. I always talk. I'm an analyst. I analyze positive and negative. If you can't handle the negative....
Portis: You're a hater, that's what you are....
Host John Thompson: "Both of y'all are guys that we're both proud of, and when you see one another, eat a sausage sandwich, sit back and put your toes up and laugh about this crap."

Portis and Mitchell radio interview [WTEM 980]
Breaking down Portis vs. Brian Mitchell [DC Sports Bog]

Portis has some new characters for the NFL Network's site, and though some are slightly amusing, we repeat what we said last time he brought out a new character: "It's like the final season of "Arrested Development;" not as inspired as the first go-arounds, but we're all just grateful it's back, nevertheless." Except, you know, a little less so.

That said: We find it difficult not to laugh at "Dr. Do Itch Big." And we support presidential candidate Prime Minister Yah Mon's plan to lower gas prices by 40 cents. It's that easy! That's change we can believe in!

Vote For Your Favorite Portis Character [NFL.com]
Deadspin HOF: Clinton Portis [Deadspin]

"I don't know if he was fighting dogs or not, but it's his property, it's his dog," Portis told WAVY-TV. "If that's what he wants to do, do it. I think people should mind their business."

We agree absolutely, and not just because we desperately would like to see Coach Janky Spanky plan out dogfighting strategy. Though we would, desperately.

Clinton Portis: Michael Vick Did Nothing Wrong [The Fanhouse]
Hall Of Fame Inductee: Clinton Portis [Deadspin]

Anyway, if you're one of the people who does watch it, you might know a character named Deelishis (London Charles), who has shared several insane "encounters" with Flavor Flav. Well, according to some online reports, "Deelishis" has been gallivanting around with one other than our own Clinton Portis. Now, again, we don't really know this Deelishis enough to perhaps grasp the full significance of this pairing, so, fortunately, the guys at Kissing Suzy Kolber have it covered for us.

Oh and one more thing, [Clinton]... get your ass over to the Anacostia Neighborhood Health Clinic and tell them you're Dolemite Jenkins and you need some penicillin. I don't even want to think about the fucked up shit crawling all over Flava Flav.

Yeah, that was kind of what we figured.

Deelishis Dating NFL Player [Media Takout] (via Rich Kotite Banged Your Mom]
Janky Spanky Flava Flav Crazy [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

I just had a conversation with the woman who runs our giftshop here at work. Apparently there has been a run on the stuffed animal stingrays along with the kid size zookeeper outfits. Folks intend to sew the rays to the front and send the kids out on Halloween as Steve Irwin. Man that's harsh. Ironically, the womans name is Barb. (honest truth). — Best, Mark Rehling, Aquarium Biologist, Cleveland Metroparks Zoo.

Imagine an entire neighborhhood of kids walking around saying "crikey." It's embarrassing. It's wrong. Do you want your children to end up like the poor little bastards who once wore these? Think about it. Just watch this week's South Park. Should explain the whole matter.

May we suggest instead:

• Keggy. Hours of fun for the entire family. (Please return costume by 11 a.m. Wednesday or forfeit deposit).

• Chris Berman. (Combover sold separately).

• Mr. Celery. A bagful of candy, and a nutrious snack.

• Coach Janky Spanky. Ironically, Halloween is the only night that Clinton Portis doesn't dress up.

• Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis. "Hey, where are all my sofa cushions? Kids!"

• Carl Monday. Trenchcoat, check. Mustache, check. Microphone, check. Never mind the candy, ma'm; Anyone in there jackin' it?

Wait ... somebody beat us to this one!

Worst Halloween Costumes Of All Time [RetroCrush]
It's The Crocodile Hunter, Charile Brown [Snopes.com]

Another Carl Monday costume, from brilliant reader John Stokes, after the jump.

He was in character as Dolomite Jenkins today.

The character looked like "Napoleon Dynamite," from the movie of the same name about an alienated teen-ager who tries to get a friend voted as class president.

Portis wore a black curly wig, a white shirt with the words "Vote For Santana," skin-tight Wrangler jeans and black rubber boots.

This character doesn't quite have the dramatic oomph of some of Portis' earlier incarnations ... but you know, we'll still take it.

Clinton Portis Characters Are Back! [Redskins.com]

This is what we're telling ourselves today, anyway, as we realize we have come to an end of an era: Clinton Portis has officially retired his press conference characters.

Portis says that a member of our guy Radio Larry's staff who used to help with the tailback's costumes — often convincing him to go on with the antics — no longer works here. Dolla Bill is lost without her. The thrill is gone, sadly.

We suppose this is a good thing; if it had been allowed to continue indefinitely, Portis would have started repeating himself, or just doing schtick, like showing up in a dress, or pretending to be Michael Irvin. It's important to quit while one is ahead. We will remember Portis' characters for what they were, timeless, etched in bronze forever, wearing frizzy wigs, oversized ears and screaming about the time he took the Boys and Girls Club to the Super Bowl. Gone, but far from forgotten.

Portis No Longer In Character [Redskins Insider]

Presenting the next member of the inaugural class of the Deadspin Hall Of Fame ...

Clinton Portis. Final tally: 79.2 percent.

If Portis can stay healthy for a few more years, maybe sneak in a Super Bowl or two, he might have a chance at the actual Hall of Fame in Canton. Though we suspect he'd rather be here.

(Plaque by Jim Cooke.)

Before he was co-opted by The NFL Network and Daniel Snyder's presumably slave-waged garmentmakers, Redskins running back Clinton Portis consistently provided us immeasurable entertainment pretty much every Thursday for two months.

It wasn't necessarily the different characters that killed us: The disguises were usually stuff Portis just found lying around the locker room. It was the strange sense of joy Portis had riffing on his personas in response to oddly straight questions from the assorted media gaggle. He discovered his inner improv comic, particularly with our personal favorite, Coach Janky Spanky, in which Portis pretty much satirized anyone who has ever ran a gym class.

Another fun thing about Portis' sessions: They became huge entirely because of the Internet. Redskins.com was the first site to run all press conferences in their entirety, exclusively on their site. In a way, Portis became a bit of an online phenomenon ... pretty good for a guy who admits he doesn't know what a mouse is.

But is he in the Hall? Remember, 75 percent is the threshold. Vote below: Polls will be open until next Tuesday.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

You know we love Clinton Portis, right? Our enjoyment of his play and his antics, we believe, is unquestioned.

OK, so we've watched his press conference about his separated shoulder a couple of times now, and we're still not sure we understand his point. He says that there should be fewer preseason games, say, two, rather than four. But this is a guy who was hurt on the very first series of the very first preseason game; doesn't it benefit him for the preseason to be longer? Wouldn't it ideally be eight games for him? He'd certainly be back in time for the opener by then.

If his point is that the preseason is too long, well, if the preseason were just one game, he would have gotten hurt; it was the first game. If he's just using this injury as a soapbox for fewer preseason games, he can probably hold his breath: They'll always play them, because they're full-price tickets for quarter-price entertainment and effort. That's a hard deal to turn down.

Sorry, Clinton: You know we love you. But sometimes we love what we do not understand. And we do not understand.

Let's Get Rid Of These Games [Saved By The Blog]

We suppose we could lament this crass commercialization of a viral Web trend — because we hate it when people do that — but it's instructive to remember that Portis' characters became popular not because ordinary press conference, but because the press conferences were first broadcast on the Web, at Redskins.com. From there, they grew into the larger phenomenon. So we don't begrudge them a little T-shirt to monetize the trend, as long as they come up with something equally amusing for the site this year. Might we suggest something with Chris Cooley?

Portis T-Shirt [Redskins.com]
Coach Janky Spanky: Cliffs Notes Version [Deadspin]

We are actually big fans of the outfit seen there on the left. It's the perfect Portis combination: Random (is Portis really into '70s rock T-shirts?), classy (loving the Sen. Paul Simon bow tie), cutting (in the utopia of his brain, A-Rod would absolutely love to wear his hair like that) and, ultimately, philosophical (who among us has not wondered what we will do with this crazy hamburger called life?). Portis can do commercials for cyanide, as far as we're concerned, and we'll watch them and even be more likely to buy the product.

Coach Janky Spanky's Back [Saved By The Blog]
The Final Wake Of Southeast Jerome [Deadspin]

• Deciding he wanted to go to the University of Miami ("The U," if you will) at a strip club.
• Some of his homemade sex tapes.
• Porn. Specifically, the difference between white porn and black porn.

The world's a better place with Clinton Portis in it. We don't know where we'd be without him.

Your Offseason Dose Of Clinton Portis [The Mighty MJD]
Clinton Portis Interview [106.7 Free Radio]

The newest (and most unexpected) version of our man Clinton Portis' fractured persona spoke to Dana Jacobson this morning (bless her for making sure to refer to him as "Coconut"). What's Coconut's deal? Well, though Jacobson obviously had no idea how to deal with him, we deciphered that he has flown in from Hawaii to serve as Troy Polamalu's "spiritual healer" to help him overcome his sprained ankle.

"Cold Pizza," forever brilliant about the taste of America's sports fans, gave Coconut about 45 seconds of screen time. We love the shells, ourselves.

Clinton Portis Archive [Deadspin]

(Update: A half hour later, he showed up as "Sir Lend-Me-A-Hand" and bit the head off a rubber chicken. We're not sure what that was about.)

Our personal favorite is the revelation that Southeast Jerome, before his untimely death (possibly at the hands of Ronde Barber), was once busted in an illegal poker room with A-Rod. We'd missed that initially.

Clinton's Characters [ClintonPortis.com]
Clinton Portis Archive [Deadspin]

Yesterday, with his weekly press conference a day early, Portis came out dressed as himself. His name was "Hot Stuff." And he read from a letter. It said:

Dear Clinton: You're a special guy. Your sense of humor is amazing. But honestly: You are the most beautiful guy I have ever seen in my life. What you do to me when I see your face is mind-boggling. Clinton, I would love to just see you come out as yourself. That turns me on more than anything you'll ever know. If I had the opportunity, what I would do to you would just rock your world.

Portis then turns to the reporters, grins and says, "Therefore, I couldn't dress up as anyone. I had to come out and show my beautiful face."

Now. Ignoring the fact that this sounds suspiciously like Joe Gibbs impersonating a groupie, we find it impossible to believe that Portis, crazy or not, could ever possibly feel the need to woo a female by nuking the persona that has elevated him from above-average running back to the single most popular NFL player on the Web. (Besides, Portis is pretty clear about what he wants "in a bad bitch.")

No, the reality is much sadder: Portis is getting tired of this act; he has run out of personas. We are not upset at this, or even disappointed; we simply salute him. He has made this NFL season much more entertaining than it would have been otherwise, and, honestly, we find ourselves chuckling every time we even think about Portis roaming the streets, looking for the missing Southeast Jerome.

Thank you, Mr. Portis. It was a great run, and we were honored to be a witness.

Clinton Portis Press Conference [Redskins.com]
Clinton Portis Archive [Deadspin]

Portis is featured in several ads, rocking out rather violently in an Escalade, and Levar Arrington, Brendan Heywood and Carmelo Anthony — who, mercifully, doesn't sneak in a "Don't Snitch" rebuke — also pop in. They're perfect late-night, "did I really see that?" infomercial stuff, and there's even a surprisingly catchy rap. Check it out.

Fun Stuff [Easterns.com] (VIDEO)

• :18: Wearing a whistle, tight pants, a fake gut and oversized ears as a headset, Portis enters, introduces himself as "Coach Janky Spanky" and says "that Gregg Williams ain't got nothing on me."
• :42: Randomly scribbling nonsense, the press corps, usually cracking up during these things, is oddly silent. It almost seems as if Portis is bombing.
• 1:06: The first big laugh: Portis, inexplicably, writes the word "ETTE" on the clipboard and the letters "MS" above it, then draws sharp lines downward. He looks at the reporters: "Look at that. There's no way you can stop that blitz."
• 2:32: Portis claims that Coach Janky Spanky took the Boys and Girls Club to the Super Bowl.
• 3:11: When asked how Coach Janky Spanky would stop Clinton Portis, he says you'd need two extra "SS" (Sean Taylor) on the field, "13 guys." "That guy Portis, he gets horse-collared a lot, and that's illegal. They're not calling it, so if I get two extra guys on the field, no one will ever even notice."
• 3:36: Someone asks a question about Portis' mom, and Portis — swear to God — blows his whistle. "Don't ask about Portis' mom, she's bad, she's tough, she's a tough one." To illustrated what happened in Philadelphia's stands with his mother, he draws an "O" on his clipboard and then punches it.
• 4:37: Actual exchange:
Reporter: "Coach Janky Spanky, is Clinton Portis going to run for 100 yards this week?"
Portis: "With 13 players on the field, it's gonna be tough."
• 5:08: Another exchange:
Reporter: "Your ears seem to be a different color."
Portis: "Well, I'm nervous."
• 5:40: Portis carries on an imaginary conversation with coach Joe Gibbs through his headset. The best part about this is that the press corps waits to ask a question for about five seconds because they're waiting for the "conversation" to end.
• 6:32: When asked about a Gibbs comment that Portis, if he were coach, would have his team practicing in their underwear, Portis says, "Yeah, that's because it would be No Contact. Men won't touch other men in their underwear."
• 8:30: Portis breaks character for his first question: The one from the lone female reporter.
• 9:58: Beaten down by the relentless "are you looking past the Buccaneers?" and "has this team hit its stride?" questions, Portis' eyes go dead and he answers in the same monotone drone as every other athlete. Poor guy.
• 10:50: Portis' right ear falls off.
• 11:30: Portis, out of character, admits he "didn't want to do this today," but that his teammates convinced him to. Another reason to root for the Redskins.
• 14:33: Portis, along with Coach Janky Spanky, wraps up. For the last time?

"Coach Janky Spanky" [Redskins.com]
Portis Becoming Subtle Character Actor [Deadspin]

Introducing "Coach Janky Spanky," the guy who didn't get the defensive coordinator job that Gregg Williams just received an extension for. The costume is simple: Headset, whistle, padded gut. But to really understand the quiet brilliance of what Portis is doing here, you have to watch the whole video. (Kudos, by the way, to Redskins.com, which has to be the best free official team site in the NFL.) Portis, essentially, off the cuff, starts drawing up "plays" on his clipboard, a random smattering of scribbles and scratch marks that he, hysterically, keeps referring to as "blitz packages." It's, weirdly, almost a satire of coaching in general, and it all appears improvised.

We're talking about an All-Pro running back, doing improv satire. We will say this one more time: How can you not be rooting for the Redskins to go as far into the playoffs as possible?

"Coach Janky Spanky" [Redskins.com]

A reader directs us to the 10K 30, a charity event full of Best Buy name recognition that filmed both Portis and the decidedly less interesting Warrick Dunn pouring through a Best Buy with an increasingly bewildered salesperson. Portis' shopping technique consists mostly of "oooh, oooh, I want that!" and he, sadly, does not make the shopping run in costume, but it's immensely entertaining regardless. Our highlights:

• He says his favorite movie of all time is Napoleon Dynamite.
• He buys his mother a digital camera, which she hopefully used to document all her beatdowns.
• He actually does that thing we did when we were kids, when you ramp up your shopping cart like it's a skateboard and ride on the back. He almost runs over two salespeople.
• He claims that he once worked in a Best Buy
• "Man, ya'll got robots and stuff?"
• He spends all his cash in 25 minutes and looks, forlorn, at a big screen plasma TV he can no longer afford. We've all been there, man.

10K 30 [Best Buy]

The type that will bust you in the mouth, of course.

According to The Washington Post, during Sunday's Redskins win over the Eagles in Philadelphia, some totally-out-of-character-for-Philly fan poured beer on Rhonnel Hearn, otherwise known as Clinton Portis' mother. She didn't handle it well, turning around and punching the woman in the face.

"She busted some lady in the nose, but that'll just teach you about messing with her," Portis said. "If you decide your team is losing and you want to cause trouble, then you're going to get what you're looking for. And yesterday, whoever that fan was, they got what they were looking for."

Honestly, we expect her to show up at Portis' weekly dressup press conference this week. Can we please get Portis to take over for Donovan McNabb and his mom in those Campbell's commercials now? Who wouldn't love that?

In Philly, Mama Said Knock You Out [Washington Post]

• "Luscious" (Rock Cartwright)
• "Pretty Teeth" (Robert Royal)
• "Pied Piper Piccalo" (Ryan Clark)
• "Biggie Short" (Nehemiah Broughton)
• "Sweet Feet Jenkins" (Ladell Betts)
• "Johnny White Guy" (Chris Cooley)

In that picture, by the way? That's the "championship" trophy that they're all fighting for. In heaven. Against the Eagles. Well, it's all a little confusing. But please please please let the Redskins make the playoffs, because we'll never, really, get tired of this.

Clinton Portis Press Conference [Redskins.com]

Good Lord. More tomorrow.

Video Press Conference [Redskins.com]

Clinton Portis Press Conference [Redskins.com]

Eh? What's that? Portis wasn't wearing a costume this week? Because the weather was so bad that he didn't have to finish what he called "probably the best one of all time?" You mean that's just him?

Naw, we don't believe it.

Team Adjusts to Stormy Weather With an Early Practice [Washington Post]

This past March a couple of my friends and me were taking a week vacation in Miami. We ran into a couple of athletes on South Beach; we saw Kellen Winslow and his boys walking on the beach. (Ed. Note: Or, you know, crutching on the beach.) We took a picture of Shaq. But this story is about Deadspin s favorite NFL costume wearer Clinton Portis. One night my friends and I decided, instead of waiting in line for two hours to try and get into a club, we would walk up and down South Beach. As we were walking, one of my friends spotted Clinton Portis talking to a very attractive lady. Since I am a diehard Redskin fan, my friends told me I should go up say something to him. At first I said no, because I did not want to embarrass myself — and I didn't want to mess his game up. But two other guys walked by him, and they spoke to him and Portis shook their hands. After seeing that, I figured that I had nothing to lose. Apparently Portis had just approached the lady, and she did not recognize him; I think she knew he was a player, but I think she thought he was a backup or something. I told him I was a diehard Redskins fan, and he shook my hand and said thanks. He was really cool and friendly about the whole situation considering I approached him as he was talking to a lady. As I was walking back to my friends, I overheard the lady say, "So people do know who you are!" I think I helped Clinton Portis get laid.

Funny, one would think she would recognize him by the, you know, huge heart-shaped glasses.

Athlete Run-In: Bill Wennington Should Duck Better [Deadspin]

(As always, we remind you, we are always taking more athlete run-in stories at tips@deadspin.com)

This one had a little something extra: Redskins kick returner Antonio Brown, who actually hid under Portis' coat and did the old improv trick of acting like Bro Sweets' arms. (He was hawking jewelry and, in a charming touch, actual candy.) We did not realize that being a special teamer for the Redskins called upon such a wide variety of skills, but we support the notion nevertheless.

Remember: The more the Redskins win, the more fun Portis has with this whole thing. They play The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals this week; expect them to do their part.

Redskins News Conferences [Redskins.com]
Portis Does A Lot More Than Run [WTOP]
Full Clinton Portis Coverage [Deadspin]

That said, the whole enterprise somehow felt less joyful this time; even Portis doesn't seem that into it. That's probably because the Redskins' season is falling apart, and Portis admitted as much. "I felt this wasn't the time in the season to do it, but one person said we needed something positive and to keep morale up. This week is now or never. We don't win and our season goes tumbling down."

In other words, if the Redskins keep losing, Portis likely won't dress up anymore. Hence, "Reverend Gonna Change." We think, if we just explained it to them nicely, we could get the Rams to tank it Sunday. They'd understand.

A New Look [Washington Times] (second item)
Redskins Media [Redskins.com]

Dollah Bill, the most recent addition, is generally considered the biggest disappointment. Has Clinton slipped? We'll see what he comes up with in this week's press conference ... something Thanksgiving related, we hope. Perhaps he can go as stuffing? We'd like to see Portis' physical interpretation of stuffing.

Full poll results:

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

As we await this Thursday's Thanksgiving-themed fractioning of Portis' rapidly splintering superego, we ask you, kind reader: Which split personality of Portis' do you like the best? We present you the four candidates so far. (All photos from NBC-4, your source for all Clinton Portis costume news.) Careful: This is not like predicting who would win in a fight between Mark Cuban and Bill Simmons: In this contest, there are no wrong answers. Frankly, they're all winners. But you still gotta pick one. Polls will be open until 5 p.m. ET tomorrow. Enjoy.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

This, honestly, has become our favorite running subplot of the NFL season. Portis is turning into a different Scooby-Doo villain every week.

"Dollah Bill" To Sapp: Don't Expect Those Tickets [NBC4]
Clinton Portis Coverage [Deadspin]

You can't tell from that picture, but he's wearing a Led Zeppelin T-shirt. How can you not love Clinton Portis? We mean, honestly.

Portis Continues His Casual Thursdays [NBC4]
Clinton Portis' Methodical Meltdown [Deadspin]

The glasses: "They're actually from surgery. I did the autopsy on Southeast Jerome. These glasses were white, but mixing them with blood, it just so happened they turned pink."
The hair: "A lot of time in the laser room. In radiology, we're doing a lot of things, and it just so happens it grew out this color."

OK, why are we paying more attention to Terrell Owens than this guy?

This Week, Portis Dresses As 'Dr. Don't Know' [NBC 4]

Walk into perfection as our DREAM becomes LOVE,
the new place to be, unveiling fresh textures,
colors, menu offerings and most of all - service.

Oh, you know you're totally going.

Labor Day Friday [eVIPlist]