Seriously, watch that. Friends, THAT'S a question. No topic up for debate, no vision or plan to outline for the American people. Hey, Eyebrows: Whaddya gonna do if some guy rapes and kills your wife? Mull on that, Professor. People say the media is somehow getting worse, that it's distorting the political process for the sake of ratings and self-aggrandizing. This could perhaps be true. But can you imagine if Brian Williams started out the debate tonight with, "So, Sen. McCain, let's say, at this very moment, your wife Cindy is beating beaten and violated by a gang of roaming leprechauns. How would you react? Would there be a punishment for the Irish and small?" A debate started with a question about a candidate's wife being raped and murdered!

It reminds me a lot of Daulerio's old Rock And A Hard Place interview series on The Black Table. He would ask media figures ridiculous either/or questions and see how they responded. (Including Jayson Blair!) For old times sake, I asked Daulerio to come up with a question he'd ask if he were moderating the debate tonight. Henceforth: "Sen. McCain: Would you rather have your family killed by an Islamic extremist suicide bomber or have them attacked by wild dogs? And if attacked by wild dogs, would you eliminate unregistered animals all over the world?"

Don't tell me that somehow political coverage is worse now. There's no way.

Anyway: Signature throat clearing done. To the football.

32. St. Louis Rams (0-4). I'd like to thank Bill Simmons, in his NFL picks column last week, for dusting off the tried and true BYE WEEK (-17.5) over Rams joke. You really can't go wrong. You see: They're not even playing. And they'll STILL lose. He might not have been joking, actually. I'm not sure Chase Daniel and Missouri could beat the Rams right now, but it'd have to be close. Put it this way: The Lions, as Peter King pointed out, have gotten off to 21-0, 21-0, 21-3, 31-0 deficits this season to start games, and I still don't think they're the worst team in the NFL.

31. Detroit Lions (0-4). But they are close. I'm longtime friends with Michael David Smith from AOL Fanhouse — we went to college together, back when each of us were fun — and we've always enjoyed the yearly matchup between his Lions and my Buzzsaw. It's been an annual, of course, because each of our teams are always horrible. It feels kind of empty without the game this year, like when two ugly people in high school who are always each other's pity prom dates suddenly can't fulfill the obligation their senior year because one of them has been involved in an airplane crash.

30. Cincinnati Bengals. So you've surely seen this already, but I can't stop playing with it: Google's 2001 search engine, which allows you to search as if it were January 1, 2001. I cannot stop playing with this. My favorite searches so far:

a: Will Leitch.
b: Sarah Palin.
c: Montreal Expos.
d: Paris Hilton.
e: Bill Simmons.
f: Crystal Meth. (Highlight: "I have several friends that have been taking 'crystal-meth.' They are just in love with it; saying how wonderful it is. What is it?")

I'm sure you'll have your own favorites.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4). Did you know you can rent out Herman Edwards for your wedding? Surely, the Deadspin community can come up with enough scratch to deliver him to one lucky reader. He'd have to give every toast, until he tripped over the cake.

28. Oakland Raiders (1-3). Two more highlights from King's column. The first, this quote from Al Davis: ""I'm healthy. You're going to have to have me around for a while. I'm fine, really. I take all the tests four times a year. I get a checkup on everything, echo and all those things. All the blood work, I do that four times a year. My mother, you know, she lived a long time, 103. I hope nothing happens. Because disease is the one thing, boy, I tell you, it's tough to lick. It's tough to lick those diseases. I don't know why they can't. It bothers me they won't let us use — and it doesn't mean that I'm Republican or Democrat — the stem-cell. I think it could help.''

And second, this one from Peter King: "Finally got to see the premiere of Family Guy, and if I had to pick, I'm not sure which TV character I'd chose as the best in history — George Costanza, Barney Fife, James West or Brian the dog. Brian's quite a maverick."

OK, which one is crazier? Like, they're pretty close, right?

27. Houston Texans (0-4). That Texans loss was so similar to so many Buzzsaw losses over the years that I want to send a letter of commiseration and condolence to Houston fans, like when one country's leader who once suffered an earthquake in a major metropolitan area sends sympathies to someone who just had one. Like a, "We Are All Texans" type of thing. You know, you think you can count on Sage Rosenfels ... and then he screws you. You've foiled me for the last time, Rosenfels!

26. Cleveland Browns (1-3). Some wisdom from the Cleveland Browns Web site right now: "See the Browns run. See the Browns stop the run. See the Browns win." It can't be fun to work for the Cleveland Browns' Web site.

25. Seattle Seahawks (1-3). Tim Grierson, my best pal from Mattoon High School, pointed out that last week marked the 17th anniversary of the release of Nevermind. And there's your most depressing news of the day.

24. San Francisco 49ers (2-3). I'm not sure anyone's ever figured out what happened to Tina Fey to cause that tiny scar on her face, and, frankly, I'm disappointed this guy has given up the good fight. I tell anyone who will listen that Tina Fey is our generation's Woody Allen, and they look at me with the same glazed-over, empty stare I get every time I say "Woody Allen."

Tina's the one on the far right.

23. Green Bay Packers (2-3). Rough day in Wisconsin on Sunday. I will attempt to boost the spirits of Wisconsinites by pointing out that when I was in Milwaukee earlier this year for a long weekend, I noticed that I've never been to a place that had so many attractive women dating morbidly obese men. Deadspin readers, why are we not living in Milwaukee? It's cheap, and they have a lake downtown. And all they do is drink! We're all idiots for not living in Milwaukee.

22. San Diego Chargers (2-3). Yep, I'm done, enough with these guys. By the way, at this rate, you can pretty much count on Norv Turner running for office in the next few years.

21. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (3-2). Cheering for Kurt Warner is like cheering for a piano prodigy whose career was ruined by a heroin addiction to remain clean just long enough to make it through one last recital. You know he's going to relapse. He always does. You just hope that he makes it through the Rachmaninoff without using, knowing full well you won't know until he either finishes, or starts urinating on the orchestra. (Note: I am not sure this analogy makes sense. This Buzzsaw season is already driving me insane.)

20. New York Jets (2-2). I'm no political scientist or pundit, but I will say this about the potential success of the McCain-Palin campaign's attempt to tie Obama's friendship with William Ayers to "palling around with terrorists." I had two friends from home this weekend express surprise that William Ayers was white. That is to say: This is probably going to work, and even though I don't think it'll be enough to swing the election to McCain, I suspect my fellow Obama supporters, always prone to terrified histrionics, have a few more "holy fuck we're blowing this" moments left in them.

19. Miami Dolphins (2-2). Now that Chris Berman has come full circle and is doing NutriSystem ads — I dunno, maybe I just have a crappy TV, but, uh, he doesn't look any skinnier — I recommend everyone head over to Nutrisystem's site and play around for a while. Cris Carter is a Nutrisystem success story! I love how he tried to puff out his stomach like he was "fat" in the "before" picture. (Along with Dan Marino and "Steve B.") Something tells me they didn't need to ask Berman to do that.

18. New Orleans Saints (2-3). Most remarked upon baseball playoff advertisement: That DirectTV commercial in which a digitally enhanced Craig T. Nelson hawks their shitty and annoying satellite service while the little girl from "Poltergeist" says "They're heeeeere." Of course, that's Heather O'Rourke at the end of the bed, the little girl who died at the age of 12 after "Poltergeist 3." (We're Old Alert: She would be 32 today, and addicted to drugs.) I look forward to the next round of DirectTV commercials, in which Brandon Lee sells us the Sunday Ticket package in full "Crow" makeup, and Vic Morrow complains that, if only he hadn't chosen digital cable, he wouldn't be stuck in this blasted swamp with helicopters landing on him.

17. Minnesota Vikings (2-3). Just for the sake of the viewing audience, is there any way someone on the Vikings can make Brad Childress a playcalling headset that somehow covers his bald dome? That guy is shiny bald, bald bald, Kornheiser bald, Dr. Katz bald.

16. Indianapolis Colts (2-2). You know, if it were any other team than the Colts pulling these ridiculous wins out of nowhere, it might be tempting to get excited by them. Instead, it's "Christ, that's all freaking Manning needs is luck on his side." If the colts end up winning 12 games and coming together just in time to fly through the playoffs, I'm blaming you, Rosenfels.

15. Atlanta Falcons (3-2). Just a guess here, but I'm gonna wager that "Free Mike Vick" T-shirt is no longer part of Roddy White's sartorial rotation.

14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2). I find it discouraging that no one can even muster up any outrage about Frank Caliendo anymore. While flipping back and forth between the baseball playoffs and football over the weekend, I, like everybody else, realized that Frank Caliendo has taken over every television station. Last year, people were ready to storm TBS studios with pitchforks and signs with pictures of Darrell Hammond on them. Now? We just sit and take it, knowing that Frank Caliendo will never, ever, ever go away. This is what America thinks sports fans like, people. Christ, maybe they're right.

13. Baltimore Ravens (2-2). You know, there aren't any Baltimore Ravens fans out there who get angry because I never have anything to say about the Ravens, are there? Whew, good. So! Frank Caliendo! Here's my last rant on this. Look at that picture above. That is all the different faces of Frank Caliendo. That is to say: They all look like Frank Caliendo. Why in the world would any respond to a print or Web ad of Frank Caliendo doing impressions of famous people when you can't even hear him doing the famous people's voices? Frank Caliendo doesn't look like any of those people! Christ, I need to sit down.

12. New England Patriots (3-1). People always ask me how working so much online has changed my life. I didn't think it had until I was talking to Daulerio this weekend, and I think he summed up, quite succinctly, why doing so much online has turned me into an asshole.

Last week, a bunch of friends of mine, including the great Jim Cooke, hosted a party for Mammal Magazine, their new journal of genius. It's a really great magazine/journal/book/whatever, and I'm very proud and honored to know people talented enough to pull off such an endeavor. Unfortunately, I had plans the night of the launch party that I couldn't cancel, so even though Jim and all those guys have been coming to readings and parties of mine for years, I wasn't there. I felt bad about this, and when I was telling Daulerio about how guilty I was feeling, I said, "Maybe I'll give them a shoutout in the column this week." Daulerio looked at me and didn't have to say a word. The disgust was palpable.

Let's go over what I did:

a: Missed a party involving great friends of mine showing off their astounding achievement.
b: Felt superficially "bad" about it.
c: Didn't move heaven and earth to change my plans, even though I knew how important this was for my friends and how much they had earned it.
d: Decided, in order to "make it up to them," I'd give them a link in a column encouraging people to buy their work, as if this would possibly somehow be an equivalent gesture for which they would feel grateful.

Yeah: Working online turns you into an anti-social asshole. It happened so quickly that I barely noticed. My only saving grace is that they probably didn't want me to come anyway.

But still: Go buy it.

11. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3). Hey, I'm not so economically depressed this week, people! That's good, right? Because things are so much better now! Anyway, a friend of mine pointed out this picture from a few weeks ago:

With the following caption: "Poor Lehman: All the news vans and staff milling around make it look like they're waiting for somebody to jump." I think we have a clear way out of this malaise: Laid off investment bankers battle to the death on pay-per-view, Running Man-style. Better than the fucking Hills, that's for goddamned sure.

10. Chicago Bears (3-2). Kyle Orton! Holy crap! He's actually good! (Against the Lions, anyway.) God, this is going to make for the best Wheaties box of all time.

9. Philadelphia Eagles (2-3). So, Westbrook was around and moderately healthy, DeSean Jackson took back a punt return and a home crowd was in a great mood. And then that happened. The Eagles have gone from a chic Super Bowl pick to a last place team in, like, two weeks. They better win their next three.

8. Buffalo Bills (4-1). The odds that Kurt Warner ran to Trent Edwards after the game Sunday to help him out with his concussion (and pray for him, of course) are pretty high, I'd think. It's pretty amazing that an injury to the starting quarterback for the Bills might affect that division as much as Tom Brady's injury. So does a concussion to a Stanford quarterback drop him to the level of intelligence of, say, a Michigan State quarterback? Georgia, maybe?

7. Denver Broncos (4-1). In honor of my favorite Broncos fans, this week I point out that "South Park" returns with new episodes on Wednesday. I'm so relieved: I couldn't listen to the "Team America" soundtrack anymore. It appears the first episode is about China, and rape.

6. Carolina Panthers (4-1). Palin Watch! My favorite underreported story about the potential leader of the free world is that her husband is a former member of the Alaskan Independence Party, which encourages Alaska to secede from the union. (Alaska First!) I want the AIP to know that I support its cause and, therefore, encourage the state, indeed, to secede. This is the government equivalent to catching your child smoking and then forcing them to smoke a whole carton of cigarettes.

5. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1). Over the last 20 years, the Steelers have finished under .500 four times. My Buzzsaw? Seventeen times. So forgive me if I don't feel sorry for all the running back and Roethlisberger injuries.

4. Dallas Cowboys (4-1). One could make a convincing argument, while we're discussing the Buzzsaw, that this week's game at home against Dallas, before a bye week in the worst division in recent memory, is one of the top 10 most important games in franchise history. And there will STILL be more Cowboys fans there. No big deal for me: It's always like that at the sports bar.

3. Tennessee Titans (5-0). We're all glad Kerry Collins is doing better and is off the hooch, but forgive me if I can't help but reminding you of the best Kerry Collins story of all time. Back in training camp 1997, when he was with Carolina, he called Muhsin Muhammad the n-word, which (shockingly!) caused him to be punched in the face. Here are his thoughts on it today: ""That, to me, was the worst part of the whole thing I've experienced. The guys were talking to each other that way, and I was trying to be funny and thought I could do it, too. I was so upset by it. It was bad judgment. I could have been labeled a racist for the rest of my career. I had to live with the way I used that word with a teammate. Extremely poor judgment. I was naïve to think I could use that word in any context." God, isn't this the funniest mental movie ever? I think you'd need an actual record-needle-scratching noise, or maybe the WAA-WAHHHH sound they make when you lose on "The Price Is Right."

2. Washington Redskins (4-1). This is a fun, likable Redskins team that should probably be considered the best team in football right now. It still doesn't change the fact that with every win, Daniel Snyder gets a little happier, if not, alas, a little taller.

1. New York Giants (4-0). Their next two games are against Cleveland and San Francisco. I can only assume they get to play the Rams five or six more times this year too.

ANYWAY. I do check out the Illinois page on BigTenNetwork.com, which occasionally gives me updates on the team and the show. Which is why I was able to catch this:

Fast-forward to the 9:20 mark, and you will see ... Ron Zook water skiing. Go watch it. See his imposing body armor. Watch his air wave slowly through the breeze. Stand in awe of the guns, man.

He is Zook. ZOOOOOOOOOK. The man truly does piss intensity.

I'm really not sure that many people care about this anymore, but AJ saw it last night, sent me some mocking text messages and asked if I'd write about it. So, to answer all your nonexistent questions:

Whose idea was this?
Costas'. He called me late last week and asked if I'd be down with it. I said sure, why not. This came 30 seconds before Bob crowed about how much he had helped my career, a claim I found specious, and said so. I'm not sure he listened. Anyway. Bob just said, "You should sit next to Buzz during the show, and drink beer together, and I'll make a joke about how baseball can bring anyone together." I happen to agree with this sentiment 100 percent, and, whatever, free beer.

Buzz was OK with this?
He was, though, when I contacted him beforehand about it over email, he wanted to do something overly complicated, like hold up a sign that said "I still think you're full of shit" or something. This might have been funny, but needlessly difficult for a cameo that would last about five seconds.

So how was Buzz? Did you guys talk during the show?
He was nice, actually. We're not gonna be best pals or anything, but I think he recognizes the PR value of putting this whole thing to bed and, frankly, so do I. During the show, we talked about:

a: The wretchedness of the hot dogs. (Honestly, those things had to have been four days old.)
b: Whether Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame. (Both of us say no.)
c: How much of an idiot I would be if I spilled my beer on Bob Gibson, who was sitting on the other side of me. (And complimented my hat.)

Honestly, though, it was just a fun little stunt; it's hard to make too large of a deal out of anything so silly when Willie Mays and Hank Aaron are in the room.

Anybody there dumb?
Steve Hirdt is a numbers guy for people who don't like numbers. Or logic. Or sentient thought.

In the words of Gabe Roth, "Can I go? Is this over?"
Please do.

I thought I'd make my first Emeritus post — New York magazine is fun! I'm totally learning about Fashion Week and sushi restaurants! — about Rick, and the Cardinals, and those ridiculous Cubs-Brewers trades because, honestly, if I'd had my druthers, I'd have written every post about the Cardinals when I was editor of this here site. (It was difficult not to. Extremely so.) So while I have a few moments before I have to approve the new Vincent Gallo photo spread, I thought I'd scratch the itch.

I know, I know: Billy Beane's the genius, we all know it, we all love him, he loves the Ramones, whatta guy. But I cannot fathom what he's thinking with the Rich Harden trade. We understand that Harden is probably going to get hurt — it's nice to see the Cubs have Mark Prior back — and then everyone will give him backslaps and man hugs, no homo. But Jim Hendry can claim all he wants that the trade wasn't a reaction to the Sabathia trade — which seems much more fair, and didn't actually upset us nearly as much — and we're still not going to believe him. That's really all Beane could get for Harden? Sean Gallagher? I'd rather have Black Gallagher.

Sure, Harden is probably gonna break down. But that doesn't make Eric Patterson a better second baseman.

More to the point, both the Cubs and the Brewers have made moves that the Cardinals shouldn't — and probably can't — counter. In a way, the fact that the two teams had to make the trades at all is a victory; if the Cardinals aren't dramatically overachieving in the first place, maybe everybody feels a little more comfortable with where they stand and don't make the risk trades. This was never supposed to be a contending season for the Cardinals; it's a house money season. If they keep this going, wow, what a great story. If they don't, well, it has been more fun that anyone thought it would be, now trade Ludwick for a prospect or two. It's clear the Cardinals aren't as talented as the Cubs or Brewers, and that was true before those two trades. But hey, why not let it ride? It's bizarre that the Birds have even made it this far.

But yes: The MLB Extra Innings package continues to break my heart. Anytime they have the road announcers, they always bring up the Ankiel pitching thing. Al Hrabosky and Dan McLaughlin, the Cardinals announcers, never even refer to Ankiel as a pitcher; they know how much it hurts Cardinals fans to even think about it. But every time Ankiel bats and we have the road announcers ... "what a story, this kid, with the pitching and the ..." The mute button is smashed immediately. Honestly, that video above, that's Faces Of Death for Cardinals fans; it should be on rotten.com.

Here's a video that's been making the rounds the past couple of days, showing a ballgirl making a rather unbelievable catch of a foul ball during a Fresno Grizzlies game at Chukchansi Park. Pretty impressive; even when you discover that it was staged. It's actually a Gatorade commercial which was filmed following a regularly-scheduled game between the Grizzlies and the Tacoma Rainers. But it had — and continues to have — a lot of people fooled.

"The production company “leaked” the video onto the Internet over the weekend hoping for a viral effect, and considering the number of calls we’ve received today from all over the country, I suppose the strategy worked somewhat," said Grizzlies media and public relations director Paul Kennedy. "Everyone that called believed the video to be real, or were leaning in that direction. The original cut had the commercial voice-over and a logo at the end, but without that people were completely fooled."

Anyone really familiar with Minor League baseball would have known something was up: As Kennedy said, "Unfortunately we don’t have the budget for ball girls here at Chukchansi Park."

Interesting article in Shoot Online on how the commercial was made; it was created by Chicago's Element 79 Partners and directed by Baker Smith of Santa Monica.

As for how the ball girl (played by stuntwoman Phoenix Brown) made the spectacular catch that is the highlight of the video, she got a little help from rigs and Framestore CFC. Smith and his crew shot the big catch right after the game they were shooting concluded, attaching the ball girl to wires and having two stunt men off to the side literally yanking her up the wall. "It was so low-tech," Smith said of the stunt. "We had her run, and she would jump, and they just gave her a little extra oomph. It was really very, very simple."

But one has to feel sorry for poor Jake Wald, the left fielder shown in the video who "didn't even bother to give an effort," according to the announcer. Wald, who is in reality an infielder (and now plays for the Connecticut Defenders), will be forever known by those not in on the joke as the guy who got shown up by a girl.

Top Spot Of The Week [ShootOnline]

There's no way we're not seeing that cow in our nightmares. We had no idea he was so ... tall.

We assume, fellow Chick-Fil-A fans, that the cow takes Sunday off.

The Tomahawk Chopping Cow [UmpBump]

Here's the report:

Shaquille O'Neal took the mic at a NYC club last night, unleashing a freestyle verbal assault directed at his arch-enemy Kobe Bryant — blaming his former teammate for ruining his marriage and imploring him to "Tell me how my ass tastes."

After spending several verses shredding Kobe apart for losing in the NBA playoffs, Shaq drops the line, "I'm a horse, Kobe ratted me out, that's why I'm getting divorced."

The line most likely references a comment Kobe made during his infamous 2003 rape case, when he told Colorado police that he "Should have done what Shaq does ... Shaq would pay his women not to say anything." The two became famously bitter rivals after the incident.

Calls to Kobe's reps were not returned.

It's amazing how catchy that song is: Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes?

You can even download it here. Remix!

The key to Carlin was always the precision of his language; he selected every word for maximum impact. He once said when he was almost finished writing a routine, he would smoke a joint and go over it one last time ... just to make sure it had that final kick. (We do not do this with every post. Sorry.)

To us, Carlin mattered because he took nothing at face value; everyone was a phony until proven otherwise. Even in death.

RIP, sir.

"This is no laughing matter." Nope! Not at all! (She's fine, by the way. That's why it's funny.)

By the way, did you know Major League Soccer Lacrosse was founded by the Body By Jake guy? We had no idea.

Hence, this:

Personally, we think "Ice Is Workin' It" would have been more embarrassing. Work it ... Ice ... Yeah ... Come on work it, baby.

At this point it should be mentioned that not only did we own a "To The Extreme" cassette when we were 15, we actually listened to it on a constant loop. (Yep Yep.) This probably does not surprise you. Though clearly someone was buying that album; that sumbitch sold seven million copies of that thing. It wasn't just us. In fact, it was probably a lot of you. Don't lie.

Kevin Millar's New Look [Bromoblog]

You have to love Canada. Here, we have racing sausage. There, pieces of sushi run around the field. We are rooting against Wasabi.

We are wondering what different foods/items different cities might have, if Canada's so damn big about sushi. In Los Angeles, do they just have different varieties of oxygen run around? How is oxygen personified, anyway?

So yeah. Good morning.

Opening Night At The Nat [Orland Kurtenblog]

Keith Olbermann seemed genuinely flustered last night when Al Gore took his sweet time taking the stage at Joe Louis Arena to endorse Barack Obama; so much so that he forgot what team Chauncey Billups plays for. Billups was onstage to introduce Gore, and Olbermann had to go to his notes to identify him; at first claiming that he played for the Nuggets. Close ... both cities begin with a D. Come on Keith, you're a former SportsCenter anchor.

Part of the problem was that Olbermann's show was just about to end, and he was frustrated because Gore had not yet reached the stage (those ethanol-powered limos are goof for the environment but slow). Meaning that the upstart Dan Abrams — who reminds me of that kid who you always threw rocks at from your tree fort — was going to get the speech on his show in the following time slot.

Al Gore Endorses Barack Obama [MSNBC]
Keith Olbermann Doesn't Have Much Time For Sports These Days [Awful Announcing]

Well, that went about as expected, considering that Sussman is their starting goalie. Barbados lost to the U.S. 8-0 on Sunday in a World Cup qualifier, as you can see in the above video highlights, which are nearly as long as the match itself. Watch closely, because I'm pretty sure we scored two goals during the National Anthem.

Here are the unbelievable details. (Imagine the poor sap who had Barbados plus seven goals in this one). It was the worst drubbing in international competition since the Bournemouth Gynecologists beat the Watford Long John Silver Impersonators (shown below at about the 2:00 mark).

U.S. Overwhelms Barbados In Qualifying Opener [Yahoo Sports]

Acting! What's more fun than seeing Russert saying, "it's all about the Benjamins" while doing a fist bump? If you haven't seen Luke Russert's interview this morning with "Today," we recommend doing so immediately, but only when no one's around, lest your boss make fun of you for weeping. We still think the Luke Russert tattoo story is one of our favorite father-son stories we've heard.

We still will never forgive Russert for the Red Sox Nation thing, but we still, three days later, can't believe the guy died. Back to sports now.

First off, we love that he realizes that "whine" and "wine" are pronounced the same, and just runs with it, man. Secondly ... we suspect that Kobe Bryant has never, ever done 20 shots in one sitting; we wonder if he has even done two. We still love the mental image of a histrionic Kobe sitting at his dinner table, forlorn, screaming for an assistant to rush over a new bottle of Sauvignon blanc, with a butter nipple shot in one hand and a Michelob Ultra in the other. Yeah: He really took that loss hard.