Of all the cases of wasted talent in football—and there are many—Phillips may have had the most talent to waste. I vividly remember the night It All Changed for him back in 1995, because earlier that day I had watched Phillips torch Michigan State in the home opener in East Lansing. He looked like the best football player on Earth that day, and he might have been, but later that evening he was arrested after throwing his girlfriend down a flight of stairs. Tom Osbourne did not kick him off the team, the Cornhuskers still won the National Championship, and Phillips was a top 10 NFL Draft pick, but that was just the start of the slippery slide of legal trouble that would follow him the rest of his life.

Rams coach Dick Vermeil called him the best running back he ever had—as he was kicking Phillips off his team after multiple arrests. He had numerous assault charges. He played for seven teams in four different leagues. He ran over three kids with a car in 2005. (Earning him the 10-year sentence.) Everywhere he went, he showed flashes of the amazing once-in-a-lifetime running back everyone knew he could be—he won a Grey Cup!—but everywhere he went he got in trouble, burned bridges and was sent packing. On two occasions in 2005, he choked his girlfriend leading to this latest conviction. He is beyond "three strikes" now and could easily get the full 25 years in prison at his sentencing next month.

The good news is that the latest choking victim says they're still dating. Also this, which is priceless. Theisman vs. Kiper on character issues. The whole thing would be funny if it wasn't so depressing.

Ex-NFL Player Phillips Convicted Of Choking Girlfriend [KGTV San Diego]
Related: Lawrence Phillips Hits Bottom, Is Sure He Can Go Lower

Pre-Game Babble

Dash incidentally stole my pre-game babble thunder earlier, but everything he said pretty much sums it up, especially the part about me live blogging this. That is absolutely true. What he didn't mention, though, is what actual alligators think about tonight's big game. Actual alligators, could you comment on what you expect out of tonight's...

...Interesting analysis. You're expecting a quiet, lifeless night from Juaquin Iglesias and they hope to get under the placekicker's skin. Thanks for the prediction, gators!

All we can hope for is a good game, a minimization of the star athlete reacharounds, and a maximization of Urban Meyer/Bowling Green mentions.

Deadspin BCS Championship Live Blog (fun-tacularityness begins at 8 p.m.)

* * * * *

9:01 — Well, damn, that went quick. If this was a college football game it'd probably be 4:29 left in the first, and they'd be reviewing an out of bounds play. Enjoy the brand new already-played football game, everyone.

9:01 — The voting breakdown:

1. Sam Bradford 1726
2. Colt Mccoy 1604
3. Tim Tebow 1575
4. Graham Harrell 213
5. Michael Crabtree 116
6. Shonn Greene 65
7. Pat White 19

8:58 — HIS SPEECH WON'T END. PLAY THE MUSIC!

8:57 — Thank me, Sam. Thank me. C'mon, I have to be next.

8:56 — GROWN MEN DON'T CRY, SAM.

8:55 — Why, that would be SAM BRADFORD.

8:54 — And the winner...

8:53 — Matt Leinart couldn't make the trip. He's busy ... playing ... football?

8:51 — Paul Hornung has pants on. Damn, this will be a close vote.

8:51 — Hahaha. BerWANGer.

8:50 — It's been almost a whole hour and we haven't even handed out Best Cinematography yet.

8:47 — We're leaving someone out. There's another quarterback from the south who long deserves to be mentioned in the breath of Colt McCoy, Sam Bradford, and Tim Tebow. There was a lot of commotion over him not being here tonight, and it's very understandable. Of course, I am talking about:

Name Of Quarterback: Johnnie Moxon
School: West Canaan High Coyotes
Stats: 1734 yards, 66.8% completion, 14 TDs, 5 INTs, 4 rush TDs
Actor Who Would Play Him: James Van Der Beek
Miracles Performed: Resisted high school girl in whip cream bikini, stood up to Jon Voight when no one else would, railed against the Texan high school football establishment of pro-set formations.

8:46 — Behind the scenes: "Poise" was almost a bingo square. Good thing I didn't include it, otherwise it'd have been riddled with sperm-bullets.

8:43 — By the way, you're probably wondering why the Barack Obama picture up top. It's because he was born in the next to Tim Tebow in the Philippines.

8:41 — Good, we got that Army Heisman winning guy out of the way. Now it's MONTAGE TIME.

Name Of Quarterback: Tim Tebow
School: University of Florida Gators
Stats: 2515 yards, 64.9% completion, 28 TDs, 2 INT, 12 rush TDs
Actor Who Would Play Him: Young Mel Gibson, or Jim Caviezel, or anyone who looks good drenched in blood
Miracles Performed: Became the only sophomore to win a Heisman trophy. Cured Percy Harvin's leprosy. Converted a state of hedonistic heterosexual football fans into loving, Christian schoolgirls. Fed the homeless by cooking a Brunswick stew out of nothing but his own internal motivation and a store-bought can of Brunstick stew.

8:40 — How did they find time to pry Andre Ware away from his busy schedule to make it to this presentation?

8:38 — By the way, about this Greatest Game Ever Played rebroadcast business. They're showing a re-run on ESPN prime time. Earlier on ESPN Classic, they showed a live college football game.

8:34 — There's a High School Heisman? And a guy named Leibowitz won it? Guess it's time to update the leaflet.

8:34 — "Tell me, coach Meyer. Share your defensive secrets on how to beat Sam Bradford. Coach Stoops, I entrust you'll cover your ears for this part."

8:32 — Take Sam Bradford's advice. Be great at every sport, kids!

8:30 — I have a feeling it was Sam's father's idea to cut his hair like 1970s-era Chevy Chase.

8:29 — "He always liked sports." Something tells me the angle of this Sam Bradford feature won't be "overcoming adversity."

8:26 — Mike Rozier handily won the 1983 Heisman over someone named Steve Young. Good thing he did. Because today he gets to be mentioned on a LIVE NATIONAL TELECAST sandwiched between features of today's hottest quarterbacks. And whatever happened to that other guy? Last I heard, people were throwing shit at him.

8:23 — Phew. For a minute there I was afraid Mack Brown was going to give a shitty opinion on McCoy's football ability.

8:21 — Goddamn, my bingo card is getting tagged more than a UT cheerleader passed out near a Hairy Buffalo.

8:18 — That was a nice profile, but I think we can do better:

Name Of Quarterback: Colt McCoy
School: University of Texas Longhorns
Stats: 3445 yards, 77.6% completion, 32 TDs, 7 INT, 10 rush TDs
Actor Who Would Play Him: Zac Efron
Miracles Performed: Finished with an NCAA record-breaking completion percentage. Somehow won over the hearts and minds of cosmopolitan Longhorns fans despite having such a rural, folsky name. Got the entire team to bathe daily in a mixture of sawdust and tiny bits of American flag.

8:16 — "Nobody knows where Tuscola, Texas as until Colt McCoy signed with the University if Texas." Um, bad news for ya, Tuscola citizen...

8:14 — "Hi, Chris? Here are a list of websites that college kids visit. Please use at least two of them in a joke. You'll probably want to not mention Bangbros, however, unless you want to co-host a show with Fred Hickman on NESN at 3 a.m."

8:13 — Ah, a BCS joke aimed at McCoy in the event of a Heisman voting tie. "BECAUSE YOUR TEAM LOST THE TIEBREAKER!" Twist the knife.

8:13 — Chris Fowler is dying to sign Sam Bradford's cast.

8:11 — I'd like to thank Evanescence cover band "The Fallen" for providing this somber background music. I'm extremely pumped up in a very mellow, self-defeating fashion.

8:10 — Really, why even make a new former Heisman winner montage every year?

8:05 — With the commercial, let's look at our first candidate:

Name Of Quarterback: Sam Bradford
School: University of Oklahoma Sooners
Stats: 4464 yards, 68.3% completion, 48 TDs, 6 INT, 5 rush TDs
Actor Who Would Play Him: Ryan Reynolds, aka "Van Wilder"
Miracles Performed: Led his offense to 60 points in five straight games. Got a great deal on a car from Rhett Bomar. Went six whole days without eating a steak. Convinced BCS computers that loss to Texas was actually a war with Eastasia.

8:03 — Someone evidently found Ron Dayne in a Sheboygan-area log cabin.

8:03 — Herbstreit said he changed his vote four times. I'm guessing he just changed it to Terrelle Pryor to avoid tough decisions.

8:01 — BradfoMcTebow is milling around, shaking hands of former Heisman winners. It probably isn't helping them that none of them are wearing nametags.

Pre-Telecast Babble

If I've learned anything about college football, it's this:

• Good coaches don't stay in Bowling Green forever, eventually they will win championships at Florida
• Auburn is impressed with a 2-10 record
• It's immoral to include players' names in video games
• The best college football players are only quarterbacks and sometimes running backs.

A guy like Andre Smith isn't considered the best college football player at all. Yet he only allowed one sack all year and probably will be drafted way higher than any of these three guys. Also, he played for a team that didn't lose until last Saturday. What more d'ya need?

Also, about Graham Harrell not being in New York for the ceremony: so what? Can't you still win this even if you're not physically in the building? I mean, couldn't technically everyone vote for Eastern Michigan's long snapper and he'd still win? Moreover, why didn't everyone vote for Eastern Michigan's long snapper? Dude kept EMU's punting game crisp and efficient. And EMU beat Central Michigan, who beat who beat Ohio, who beat Akron, who beat Syracuse, who beat Notre Dame, who beat Navy, who beat Wake Forest, who beat Ole Miss, who beat Florida, who's in the national title game! You can't possibly leave out the impeccable long snapping of the legendary whatshisname and call the Heisman Trophy the award that goes to the best player in college football.

Bingo Time

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

11:45 — All right. Signing off. Man, that blew. Not for Oklahoma, of course. And not for fans of the Big XII, probably. But for me, and for Missouri, and for all of the populous who foolishly tuned in wanting a good game. So if you must watch Cincy-Hawaii, then so be it. Either way, thanks for following this game — or at the very least, refreshing the page — and our paths shall cross again at the next lively blog.

11:44 — Sam Bradford says that "a lot of people said we didn't deserve to be in this game." Fun fact: Sam Bradford's car only gets Austin radio stations.

11:42 — Probably for the best. Missouri lets the clock run down on their own misery, and I suppose Oklahoma and Florida — not USC, Texas, or Alabama — will be in the BCS championship game.

11:38 — The kickoff takes a funny bounce and hits Maclin in the head, then has to field the ball and gets tackled at the 7-yard line. I think we can make that the Deadspin Profitable Sponsor© Live Blog Microcosm Of The Game.

11:34 — Madu runs ragged, and it's 62 points! DiMaggio's streak ... Gretzky's scoring ... Chamberlain's 100 points ... the fall of the Berlin wall ... this streak of five straight games of 60-point games ranks up there with all of them. AND YET I'M SOMEHOW NOT VERY EXCITED.

21 62

11:29 — And ... pickstorm. Lendy Holmes returns it about 20 yards, and then the OU sideline gets two penalties after the play is over. Bob Stoops tears the kidneys out of the perpetrators, then the Sooners fans cheer "We want Florida!" I love how national champs are decided by who the fans want in a knee-jerk championship matchup.

11:28 — "Chase Daniel would love to deny Oklahoma this record." No, he'd love to win the goddamn game. That won't happen, though. I don't think he cares about how many points OU scores if OU is going to win.

11:22 — Touchdown, Chris Brown. Hey little Sooner, do you want to know a secret? Because I know one and it is soooo good to hear it. You want to know what it schwas? I know ... how to score .. all the way to schfifty five.

21 55

11:21 — Musberger refers to the new Cowboys stadium as "The Jones Mahal." I think that'll work nicely.

11:18 — Nobody told Iglesias to stop trying. I guess he must have Tim Tebow's motivational speech on his Zune.

11:16 — The referee is not thinking about where Oklahoma will finish in the BCS standings. They're still throwing flags and calling penalties and doing their job and other boring minutia. Oklahoma now "triesforsixtypoints" and such.

11:11 — A less impressive catch by Coffman in the endzone is nonetheless a catch in the endzone. AND THE STREAK CONTINUES.

21 48

11:10 — All right, that was rather fine. Chase Coffman gets a pinky-toe inbounds as he dives for the catch.

11:09 — Maclin catches a touchdown. OR MAYBE IT WASN'T. They're waving it off, saying he didn't maintain possession. He caught it, then let it fall out of his arm as he slid in the endzone. Guess they'll have to settle for 14.

11:07 — Oh, but nobody's talking about Missouri trying to score 20 points in 13 straight games. Nothing at all? The Tigers are 30 yards away from that.

11:01 — OKLAHOMA WANTS TO SCORE 60 POINTS. In this sentence, Oklahoma = ABC. They're 12 points away from that with Mossis Madu's run.

14 48

Third Quarter

10:57 — Just one more quarter? I think I can tough it out.

10:54 — Boring first down after boring first down, and Herbstreit is thrilled that the fullback with big hair caught a pass. Just look at that long hair. Er ... flip the picture 180 degrees.

10:45 — Points! Thank heavens. Daniel to Tommy Saunders. 1.75/10.

14 41

10:44 — The game is so exciting, ABC's just going to keep showing Oklahoma defensive coordinator Brent Venables signal in the formation to his players. It's as exciting as it looks.

10:42 — Missouri converts a fourth down. And with that, the game has gone from a 1/10 to a 1.15/10.

10:41 — Thanks, Herbstreit, for mentioning that the Bowling Green coaching position is still open. Musberger has nothing to add to that. Back to this rout.

10:39 — Jeremy Maclin, after that hit, is a two-dimensional football player. Someone please pull him from the turf.

10:33 — Dan Beebe, the Big XII commissioner, joins ABC in the booth and hints at wanting a Texas-Oklahoma national championship game. Oh, that joker! Seriously, that man's like a kid who inherited a candy store. He has three teams in the top 10, and yet the conference is under so much heat because of their fifth divisional championship tie-breaker.

10:29 — Jimmy Stevens gets a much more actual leg underneath the field goal try, and a 30-yard field goal is good. Hell, that'd have been good from 33. Meanwhile, Brent and Kirk are distracted — nay, silenced — by meat on a grill. Then again, who isn't?

7 41

10:24 — Florida is playing Oklahoma in the national championship game, and Sam Bradford will win the Heisman. It's already been decided in the booth, you see. "I know I'm getting ahead of myself," Musberger finally concedes, then Herbstreit puts reality in perspective. The Sooners are just trying to get to 60 points, which means they'll have done it five games in a row, which has never been done before. Also what hasn't been done before: crying in three consecutive live blogs.

10:21 — Might as well punt it at midfield. No use trying to force the five required touchdowns right away.

10:17 — And we're back! Oh, and yes, the kickoff return had a penalty. Nice to see the refs coming out of the halftime making some good adjustments.

Halftime Entertainment Video

How about "Bohemian Rhapsody" played with farty hands? That'll work.

Second Quarter

9:55 — Oh my that finally ended. You ... you mean there's another 30 minutes of this game left?

9:52 — Chase Daniel will channel his inner Rex Grossman and just go deep from here on out. If this was a video game, the reset button would have been violently dinged by now.

9:50 — Chris Brown runs it to put the score up to Ludicrous Lead. They've gone to plaid.

7 38

9:48 — All this talk of Texas scoring 70 points in a B12 championship game a few years ago just isn't funny. Because ... well, OU intercepts Daniel on the slant pass. That's why. Following the I-N-T is Bradford tossing it downfield to set up another 1st and goal.

9:44 — Mossis Madu gathers the toss and runs for a non-penalized non-reviewed touchdown. After further review, I picked the wrong game to live blog.

7 31

9:42 — Of course OU brandishes their football genitals in the face of the Missouri defense, and throws an out route to move the chains.

9:41 — Finally, the Sooners hit a 4th down. Ah hell, Stoops tells his team, just stay in there and convert it. Nobody's watching anyway.

9:38 — Head ref: "There is no foul on the play."

9:35 — Missouri's failed third down conversion seems as good a time as any to share with you a video e-mailed to me by Kansas fan Alex, of Chase Daniel playing with his own nose goblins. Seems apt.

9:29 — To the orange thrower: take your moronic OJ Simpson protests somewhere else.

9:27 — Did ... did Herbie just say someone threw an orange onto the field? And the the refs didn't stop play? The orange is guilty of illegal citric contact and that should have been 10 yards at the spot of the rind. Instead, Bradford flings it to Iglesias (again) for a huge(r) lead.

7 24

9:25 — By the way, 1st and goal Oklahoma.

9:24 — That didn't take too long. Daniel stretches for another yards and gets the ball popped out. OU recovers, but it's a questionable call, so the referees won't look it over. And why would they? Nobody was taunting the other team. A screen capture of the head referee:

9:22 — Oklahoma calls a timeout. On DEFENSE!? After a KICK RETURN!? That's probably a 5-yard penalty. Why not? Everything else is.

9:18 — Bradford to Juaquin Iglesias to put the lead back up to 10. Iglesies draws an unsportsmanlike after the touchdown. Is the head referee gonna have to break out more country-fresh colloquialisms?

7 17

9:17 — The referee gets both teams into a huddle, probably to tell them to stop getting so many daggum penalties, because that's not your your momma raised you, and other folksy maxims of that nature.

9:15 — OU just keeps rolling up the first downs. Tell you what. If you've got this game on mute, and still want the full effect of the game, just play this every 3 minutes:

9:13 — SOME KIND OF INJURY UPDATE. DeMarco Murray is out of the game with an injury. Oklahoma will be in trouble if they're not a prestigious team with a talent-loaded depth chart.

9:08 — Daniel to Maclin on a 3rd and long, finds a porous spot in OU's secondary — much like Oklahoma's terrain in general — and skips to his own loo for a touchdown. Mizzou gets a "Non contact foul" after the TD, and a "falsified start" on the PAT, proving you don't have to punch an opponent to break rules in the game of football.

7 10

9:05 — So Scrubs is now hopping from network station to network station? That's very strange and I'm not sure I'm okay with that. With that said, back to you, Brent Musberger!

9:02 — For being down 10 points, Missouri's offense is hanging in there. That is, of course, a euphemism for "down by 27 by the third quarter."

First Quarter

8:57 — Yes, one of ABC's highlights in their first quarter montage was a missed field goal. Hot football action, indeed.

8:56 — OMG IT'S A SLIGHTLY TRENDY FORMATION! A lateral back to Daniel tricks OU into pass interference, and the drive continues. Curse the inventor of the Wildcat formation!

8:52 — The Sooner Schooner broke down at midfield during that TV timeout. Barry Switzer is furious.

8:50 — Brown strolls in for a touchdown up the middle. Officials look over whether the band began "Boomer Sooner" with forte or mezzo forte.

0 10

8:49 — Chris Brown rushes for six yards. And yet the officials accept that result at their word, without looking at it again.

8:47 — Officials stop to review whether the ball was caught and downed by Oklahoma or caught and fumbled and recovered by Oklahoma. You read that right. Probably.

8:42 — Funny how when Chase Daniel avoids three sacks, then gets flattened for a three yard gain, it still hurts. Missouri punts back.

8:39 — Bradford shanks two straight passes, letting them hit the ground instead of a receiver's torso. Tack on a personal foul on Oklahoma for crying out it, and OU has to punt on 4th and 25. Horribly, I might add. Mike Knall treats the ball like a bishop, and kicks it diagonally out of bounds for 26 yards.

8:34 — Offsetting personal fouls. Two people feel bad, and the game is not affected. Jeff Wolfert attempts the 49-yard field goal and it wobbles a couple of yards short. If nothing else, Wolfert can take solace in that it went twice that of Stevens' kick earlier in the game. OU ball.

8:33 — Jeremy Maclin, when he touches the ball, has the chance to score every time, says Kirk Herbstreit. Technically, doesn't everyone?

8:32 — Chase Daniel, white running quarterback. A columnist's dream.

8:29 — No, I'm not convinced Jeremy Maclin, Chase Coffman and Derrick Washington are IMPACT PLAYERS for Missouri if it's not to the tune of "Thunderstruck."

8:26 — Proving it's immensely difficult to fuck up a 20-yard field goal, Jimmy Stevens puts his team on top by trois.

0 3

8:24 — Did the receiver step out of bounds, or did he step out of bounds further down? An official review is underway to see whether or not it's 4th and goal or 4th and goal.

8:22 — Sam Bradford throws two incomplete passes, and Musberger and Herbstreit can't explain why that happened. Declaring he's not actually Midwest Jesus hasn't been ruled out.

8:20 — No wonder OU has a great offensive line. They have great names like "Phil Loadholt." So far they've gone to the red zone with hardly any problem.

8:14 — Marvelous camerawork to get that coin toss. In the entire history of coin tosses, only one has ever been botched. Not this one. Good thing Oklahoma didn't lose that coin toss, because then Texas would have won the tiebreaker and they'd usurp the sideline and play Missouri in this game.

Pre-Game Babble

It's so adorable. Missouri has convinced themselves they're as good as Oklahoma, and I'd like them to convince all of us of the same thing, because, dammit, some of us decided to stay in and watch this game. If anything else languishes around as a morsel of comfort, it's that the Big XII Championship has a slight history of being unpredictable. Double-digit favorites haven't always won this baby.

The problem, however, is that OU is 5-1 in this game since 2000, with their only loss coming to Kansas State in 2003. Which means Missouri might not have a chance in this game unless Chase Daniel wears an Ell Roberson mask, and surprises the Oklahoma defense like a Mailbox Monster from Toe Jam & Earl. In fact I'm pretty sure "Mailbox Monster" is a trick play up Gary Pinkel's visor. Mark it down.

It's Bingo Time

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

11:22 — Much like their in-state brethren, UB students can now Photoshop "Ball State 12-1" t-shirts.

Okay, that's too bad for Ball State, but Buffalo ripped the heartwarming storyline from the vena cava of SportsCenter's teleprompter and made it their own. That's how it's done in the MAC. Way to go, Bulls.

And way to go, me. I just did three MAC football games in a row and nobody noticed. Thanks everyone!

11:20 — Turner Gill, what do you think? "Speechless ... ... ... speechless." Rob Stone asks a pressing follow-up question and gets less silence.

11:20 — Gatorade big gulps for everyone.

11:19 — Finish the game off, defense. You basically got half the points anyway. An interception in the endzone puts the inevitable dagger in the breast of the Cardinals. That's a bird part, right?

11:16 — UB's mantra before the game: "Kill the giant and the dark one, leave the third for questioning."

11:13 — Starks ends up scoring. THAT's how you pour it on. Actually, this is an acceptable answer to pouring it on:

24 42

11:11 — James Starks runs the sucker almost into the endzone. They'll get the lackadaisical goal-line formation. "Don't want us to score? 'Scoo with me. Want us to score? Fine with us."

11:08 — Well, that onside attempt will basically put Ball State's comeback hopes into a catatonic coma. Buffalo ball.

11:06 — Continuing with the Christopher Guest motif, the lead is now:

11:03 — Ball State's not going for the field goal, which they need at least that to erase the 18-point deficit. Naw, they'll go for it on 4th and 4 and just end this game as soon as possi... oh, a touchdown. Well, that works too. Davis finds Louis Johnson for 90% of the work, and Johnson wiggles free of a BlueBull defender for the other 10%.

24 35

10:56 — And now for another Naaman Roosevelt-Christopher Guest parallel. "Well, it's like, how many babies fit the tire? You know, that old joke." Actually that has nothing to do with Naaman Roosevelt's third touchdown catch, but then again Waiting For Guffman isn't very relatable to anything in life. Suddenly it's a goddamn blowout.

17 35

10:55 — Tuffy has tapped into Turner Gill's playbook for Buffalo, and is kind enough to share it with me:

10:50 — You're ... you're kidding me. Another fumble? UB now has the ball in amazing field position. But don't fret. They're not fumbles. They're:

10:49 — Spielman insists that Ball State can take advantage because the defense is tired. Just as a UB defender stuffs the wideout just short of the first down. Yeah. He seems winded.

10:45 — Thermilus fails to make the 1st down, but doesn't fail to make a great name for a Roman Empire plumbing company.

10:42 — Well, slap me silly. The Cardinals go for it on 4th and 7 on the 38-yard line. Surely he'll make something happen! He smartly avoids the throw and finds the sack. Big momentum pendulum-type swing for the Buffalo Bulls.

10:40 — Chris Spielman is saying Ball State, 11 points down, has a little bit of an advantage right now. Much like when William Wallace's guys were winning when they were getting fucking SHOT WITH ARROWS.

"Hold ... HOLD ... HOLD!!!"

10:39 — BCS conferences are now called AQ conferences? When was this?

Third Quarter

10:33 — Ball State has the ball back, and to their credit snapped it correctly to end the quarter.

10:28 — I wasn't aware I had DVR on my cable box, but there it is. Freak fumble recovery turns Buffalo's way, leads to long recovery touchdown. Sign in the stands: "ESPN ♥ UB." Well, yes. Now.

17 28

10:26 — Incompletion? No sweat. Let's just run to the first down. Nate Davis, you sly walrus you.

10:23 — Nate Davis gets pressured, so he throws it away ... into the hands of Briggs Orsbon for a long 1st down play. OR WAS IT ACTUALLY THROWN AWAY? They're reviewing to see if it touched the ground. And yes, it was just a smelly incomplete pass. Way to throw it horribly, Nate Davis. No NFL for you.

10:21 — Rob Stone gets an interview with Rick Chryst and lets him off the hook on blowing a Ball State-Boise State matchup. He says he's all about the best game possible. He sure is! He wants Notre Dame to come in. He sure has an eyeball for quality opponents!

10:19 — A list of all bowl eligible teams. Bowling Green is 6-6, and therefore bowl eligible. You'd think!

10:13 — Nate Davis is creatin'. He's improvisin'. He's jumpin'. He's ... POP. A helmet-to-football collision spins this game around like a dreidel, because, see, Hanukkah is sometime this month. Buffalo's Mike Newton, the worst tasting cookie in history, returns the magic rock about 95 yards or so for the gravity-reversing touchdown. Finally, ESPN has a highlight they can show.

17 21

10:11 — Senior Citizen Card Game Update:

10:09 — MiQuale runs to the pylon, but is spotted at the one. Perhaps if he was named MiQuayle, his silent "e" would have extended him far enough to score the six.

10:08 — By the way, "Willy" is a euphemism for male genitals.

10:07 — Willy slips and Willy drops his ball to the ground. The Cardinals fall on Willy's ball.

10:06 — Chris Spielman just channeled 1/3 of Yoda's strength. "Trust your training, young man!" No, that was a perfectly ordered sentence. Never mind.

10:05 — David Letterbettis is from Balltroit.

10:04 — Wait. Detroit has an outdoor skating rink? Did someone get a promotion after that idea?

9:59 — All this talk of minority candidates made me forget that Ball State had the football and was moving it in a positive direction such that MiQuale Lewis was able to feather his way into the end zone. Feather. Quale. Bird.

17 14

9:55 — Sean McDonough now advocates the Rooney Rule for NCAA schools, because Sylvester Croom and Tyrone Willingham were both horrible at their professions. I can really see college football implementing something like this, because they are known for embracing radical concepts like playoffs and salaries.

9:53 — "Nuggnuts." Hmm. Clearly I haven't done enough to stop this word from spreading.

9:51 — Harlan Pepper, would you stop Naaman nuts? Naaman Roosevelt scampers down the sideline like a white, all natural white, macadamia nut for the go-ahead touchdown.

10 14

9:50 — And now for a fourth down play. They're on the Ballsy 44-yard line ... yep, they snuck through the line. Plus, the Cardinals were offsides. Also, the referees like Buffalo. Plus, Mike Brey's son. Need any other reasons? Morton Kondracke!

9:47 — James Starks eludes three robin-sized birds for something like a 20-yard gain. [the sound a bull makes]

9:45 — Buffalo starts with the ball. In case you're confused, Ball State is the team you want to win. Buffalo is the team you really want to win.

9:44 — And we're back, $11,600 in fake assets later.

Halftime Entertainment Video Flash Game

Online Plinko. You're so welcome.

Second Quarter

9:23 — That's the deepest touchback I've ever seen in my life ... oh, they were trying for the field goal. That gives Ball State the halftime lead.

10 7

9:21 — Well, they made it into reasonable field goal position. Which means it's time to punt the ball.

9:17 — No, don't use your three timeouts to try and get into field goal position. Just run draws and screen passes. There you go.

9:16 — A walk is as good as a hit, and a fumble is just as good as a punt, only better. The Cardinals have a chance to tweet the ball back the other way.

9:16 — Hey, it might not end up tied. Willy's finding some soft, cancerous holes in the Ball State prevent and moving the ball toward midfield. There's about a minute left.

9:13 — 4th down and 7. You're not in field goal range. Do you: a) punt the ball and not risk scoring points and taking the lead.

9:09 — Natedavisbenroethlisbergerchadpennington. Etymology: Bristolian. Can you use it in a sentence? "My fantasy team is so awesome, I just drafted Natedavisbenroethlisbergerchadpennington and Willismcgaheeclintonportisdevinhester."

9:08 — The ESPN booth was given concessions in little cardboard trays. Steak and fries? And yet they could have just ordered fried chicken so easily.

9:04 — Now that was a solid punt. Knocked the Ball State returner flat on his ass. That's the kind of punt that motivates a team to ... punt better.

9:02 — You're fucking kidding me. Chris Spielman asks Mike Brey what things in football and basketball are the same. What's ... I ... the ... [brain melts]

9:00 — An interview with ... Notre Dame basketball Mike Brey. That one threw me for a loop. (The connection is that his son Kyle is a tight end for Buffalo.) Too bad they didn't ask him who has more heart: Kyle Brey or Luke Harangody?

8:56 — MiQuale? Man!

7 7

8:53 — Onomatopoeic wideout Daniel Ifft gets his helmet rung by a Buffalo defender's helmet, and the line will move 15 yards toward undefeatedness.

8:51 — Ah, there's the Ball State offense that's able to convert on 3rd and short. It didn't go to Auburn quite yet.

8:47 — Anything you can punt I can punt better, I can punt anything better than you. (No you can't, yes you can, et cetera.)

8:46 — Nobody can catch Willy. Willy's just hanging out there outside the pocket, and nobody wants to touch him. He finally throws it out of bounds. Willy.

8:43 — Brandon Thermilus runs for 15 yards. "Thermilus" seems like one of those unabridged dictionary words that home-schooled prodigies know how to spell.

8:42 — Things Ball State has in common with Florida, Alabama, Boise State, and Oklahoma: amount of time in which they trailed. Also: a couple of those teams have variants of the color red on their jersey. That's about it.

8:41 — So that wasn't a fair catch either. The returner half-assed it, or was a big white baby for not wanting to get tackled. Nice to see the MAC was able to find XFL referees on such short notice.

8:40 — Producer to camerman: "Look, we can't pan the stands. Nobody's there. Just ... just shoot the ceiling or something. It's remotely interesting."

First Quarter

Sumbitch. The first quarter ends with QualeMan getting snuffled up well behind the line of scrimmage on a 3rd and 1 toss. UB as surprised as IB.

8:35 — MiQuale Lewis rushes for several yards. "He's built like a Volkswagen Bug." DUDE, NO FOREIGN CAR METAPHORS IN DETROIT PLEASE.

8:34 — BREAKING NEWS. Greg Maddux is retiring? So young? Guess they ran out of California teams he would accept trades to.

8:31 — Naaman R. Oosevelt. Sounds like a typical bastard. He catches a first and goal-setting-up ball-type-thing, then runs the fade route and collects the first points of the game.

0 7

8:29 — Back off, punters. You've had your fun. A goofy center-quarterback exchange results in Nate Davis taking a football to the groin! Hans Moleman Raphael Akobundu makes the recovery.

8:26 — We're 11 minutes in. It's a punt-off!

8:24 — "They had a seven year stretch where they won just 10 games." Personally I think seven wins in five years is more depressing, because you get to throw in a monster three-win season into the stat.

8:23 — Buffalo fans got to the stadium three minutes before kickoff? If you remember, last week Western Michigan had bus problems getting to their game against Ball State. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that Cardinals' opponents are having bad luck with mass transit. Don't look into it at all.

8:19 — The high flying Ball State offense is in full display. Three and out, so share the ball, Brady Hoke. Buffalo wants it now.

8:18 — Life imitates Detroit: someone briefly stole my headline and put my live blog on cinder blocks. A claim has already been filed.

8:15 — UB punts, Ball State goes for a return but the referees decide he probably called a fair catch and blows it dead. The analyst says the fair catch is waved off if the ball bounces on the ground. He's confused. I'm confused. The crowd falls deathly silen... oh.

8:14 — Oh, there are the fans. All bunched into three sections. At halftime they'll re-enact the famous Schoolhouse Rock music video "Elbow Room."

8:13 — Naaman Roosevelt gets his first catch. NAAMAN is also what you have in your hand anytime you lose at Scrabble©.

8:09 — James Starks gets the first touch for Buffalo. He's like John Starks, except that his best dunk was simultaneously over Ulysses S. Grant and Jordin Sparks.

8:05 — We have love for Dante Love, and davis (?) for Nate Davis. But the drive ends a bit farther ahead of where Lions drives end, and Chris Miller's punt pins the Bulls rather far back. Drew Willy will take a bus to Dearborn to begin the offensive series.

8:02 — Oh, my. I should be live blogging this one from the end zone seats. I'd be in the front row. When a PAT destroys my MacBook, you'll think it was a Gawker technical error. It'd be hilarious!

7:59 — ESPN's Rob Stone interviews Ball State coach and Jeff Garlin fan club treasurer Brady Hoke near the tunnel. Behind him are about eight fans in seats. I'm not yet convinced this is a Detroit Lions game in drag.

7:58 — The booth guys: Nate Davis can be an NFL player. So can Buffalo's Drew Willy. So can you!

Pre-Game Babble

Both teams are already going to bowl games. (Note: let the phrase "Buffalo is already guaranteed a bowl game" stew in your head and see if it explodes in the next 60 seconds.) So all that's really at stake in this game is to see if Ball State become the first 13-0 team to play in the Motor City Bowl. Marshall played in the Motor City Bowl with an unblemished 12-0 record, and kicked some Mormon rump with a 21-3 rout of BYU.

Buffalo might as well lose this game, because a win will only increase the chance that Turner Gill leaves and coaches somewhere else. Likewise, Brady Hoke winning this game might raise the chance other schools try and pry him away from Muncie, lest he becomes the new token fact MAC coach, replacing Tom Amstutz, and gets fired in six years.

Record In Deadspin Live Blogs
Ball State: 2-0
Buffalo: 0-1. Oh, wait, that's the Bills. The Bulls are live blog (and winning record) virgins.

Fun Fact Trivia Segment Inspired By Dash's Live Blog

Teams from Indiana and New York are playing tonight. When was the last year a MAC football championship didn't feature at least one team from the state of Ohio?

Tonight's Bingo Card

Penn State and UNC are the first two schools to receive the olfactory treatment for their football and basketball factories, respectively. Next year, you can scoop up much of the SEC: Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, Auburn, and LSU.

We look forward to your description of various collegiate scents. The floor is yours, Deadspin commenters. (Degree of difficulty: still no polygamy jokes.)

Eau de Penn State smells of flowers, not football [Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

10:13 — Rebelling against the PA announcer was simply more fun. Ball State is 12-0 and will play Buffalo in Ford Field. WMU is 9-3 and the irony is they'll probably get a January bowl game while the Cardinals won't. The two lesser MAC tie-in bowls, the International and the GMAC, are both played in 2009 for some unknown reason, while it's probably going to be Ball State in the Motor City bowl against a shitty Big Ten team. Yay!

All right, enough MAC regular season live blogging for this year. Thanks for putting up with the itch I just had to scratch on this Tuesday night.

10:12 — Hugs and hearty high-fives all around on the Cardinals sideline. The PA announcer doesn't want anyone to rush the field. And I don't blame him. In a state where there's plenty of open spaces, why commune on this one?

10:09 — Not wanting to risk anything with 1:26 left in the game and give BSU great field position, Western punts the ball away.

10:07 — Nice of WMU to put the backup quarterback in, Drew Burdi, so he can be the resident Matt Stairs and get his ass hammered by guys.

10:06 — There's the most salient thing Bentley has said all night. Let's see Ball State and Boise State play each other, since it looks like neither will get a BCS crack.

10:04 — MiQuale has now rushed for more TDs than any other Ball State running back in a single season. The previous record was held by ... uh ... someone?

9:59 — Either every Directional Michigan linebacker has opposable thumbs, or MiQuale Lewis is just that good at eluding tackles. He escapes a sure wrap-up a few yards away of the goalline then skitters around more defenders for six points. This game's gotta be over by now.

22 45

9:56 — Dante Lewis. Not Dante Love. Dante Lewis is probably a human being, but he's not the one you were talking about, Ray Bentley.

9:55 — Did ... did Nate Davis just run one-third the field down the sidelines? Did MiQuale Lewis steal his jersey and put on really tall shoes? Hot damn, he's a good quarterback.

9:52 — While the nation* awaits to see if Darius Hill caught the pass, I saw Hill talking and joking with a WMU defender. This is a huge game for both teams, and one team is certainly in better spirits than the other. How can they joke with each other, or at least be cordial on the field between plays? This is why I could never be a professional athlete, aside from the obvious reasons. I don't even talk to my friends and family members if I'm playing Monopoly and have most of my properties mortgaged.

* - Muncie

9:43 — West scampers in for six, which is magically converted into eight points on a successful pass from Hiller to Nunez. WMU is back in this assuming Nate Davis does his best Chris Rix impression for the last 11 minutes.

22 38

9:41 — Brandon West's run sets up a 1st and goal, and for bonus difficulty, they'll take a false start penalty. For added super double whopper difficulty, they'll add an illegal formation penalty.

9:40 — See below, replace everything with "Simmons gets shellacked by Bryant Haines and somehow keeps all his teeth."

9:38 — See below, replace "Hiller to Simmons" with "Brandon West runs."

9:37 — See below, replace "3rd" with "1st."

9:37 — Hiller to Simmons for, yep, a 3rd and 10 conversion.

9:34 — WMU needs three touchdowns, complete with the 2-point conversion premium TrueCoat™ that they put on at the factory, to tie. But if nothing else Tim Hiller and Jamarko Simmons can get their stats back up to where they should be.

9:30 — Right, like Ozzy's texts are that much clearer than his speech.

Third Quarter

9:26 — And ... punt. ESPN shows the results of their latest poll: "Should Utah be considered for the BCS National Championship game?" All but one state said "No." Guess.

9:23 — Schneider Julien is running around there with two last names, while so many first-name-heavy humans are starved for a surname. His own teammate Caleb Clark, for example, would LOVE to make a trade with Julien, who just danced around tackles for a first down.

9:21 — They're really going to let Tim Hiller play quarterback, aren't they? What bet did he lose?

9:17 — Or that. Hiller throws an INT for TD to Ball State cornerback Trey Lewis. Youch.

14 38

9:16 — Really, though. Tim Hiller is good at football. Don't let the ball slipping out of his hand a microcosm of the oeuvre of his total work.

9:15 — Elsewhere in the MAC: Northern Illinois trails Navy 16-0. Woof. Total passing plays by Navy: one.

9:13 — How meritocratic of that TomTom commercial: "$100 doesn't go as far as it used to." I know! Who do you have to blow to get a decent limo driver these days?

9:10 — Davis pumps up the crowd (or does non-jumping jumping jacks. It's hard to tell from this vantage) then feeds it to 3'4" MiQuale Lewis for a touchdown and a commanding lead.

14 31

9:09 — Oh, and Darius Hill is good too. First and goal.

9:07 — Briggs Orsbon brings in a big 3rd and 10 catch. Orsbon sounds like a corporation that did a lot of mysterious things in the 1950s to make white suburban life easier.

9:06 — Ball State has a 32-year-old U.S. Marine on their team. Brandon Crawford gets up at 4:30 a.m. every morning. He's a junior. He probably wakes up to tuck in his teammates goodnight at 4:30 a.m.

9:03 — Tim HIller. I haven't mention the other quarterback in this game yet. But there he is, falling down as he hands off to Winchester to convert a 3rd and short. Hiller follows that up by throwing a deep ball that bounces off a Cardinal defender, then loses 13 yards on a sack. I'm pretty sure he's not nearly as bad as the last progression of plays make him out to be.

9:01 — Probably not the best idea inside the 10-yard line to get a false start.

8:57 — Well, he won't be asking Briggs Orsbon to the HMP. His speeding missile of a throw wicks off his raised hands and the Cardinals have to punt. Nice kick, though, as it lands on the 3-yard line.

8:55 — MiQUALE MAN puts about 30 yards of field ahead of him in his front pocket. Also, Nate Davis throws a downfield block. The four-year man crush I've had on Nate Davis is finally paying off. I just hope he remembers me when he's looking for a date to the Heterosexual Man Prom.

8:53 — Aaron Winchester is good, but not "continuing the drive past a few first downs" good. Punt.

8:49 — M"kay, WMU. Don't make this game a repeat of last night's Packers-Saints game. Let's get a 4-OT duel underway. I don't ask for much.

Halftime Entertainment Video

Joe Montana, Buster Douglas and Pat Riley can agree about how many bits a video game console system should have. Eight isn't enough!

Second Quarter

8:27 — It's a video game-style offensive push with 23 seconds left. ...wait, they just run the ball out and decide it's coo' to have a 10-point deficit. End of half.

8:24 — Scrambled eggs all over my face. What is a Bronco to do? Nate Davis runs six yards into the endzone. "Nate Davis does what Western Michigan's buses couldn't do, and that's get through traffic." Somewhere, a Kalamazoo-area charter bus driver throws his bottle of Miller Lite at the TV.

14 24

8:22 — Not a great sign for WMU's defense when the tight end gets behind the secondary. Darius HIll receives Davis's throw and drags a defender to the 5-yard line.

8:19 — Ball State put their offense back on the field rather quickly. Did they go out of turn? Davis scrambles out of bounds and the Cardinals have 42 yards and less than 90 seconds in the half.

8:16 — And yes, there's mention of the double-overtime win Buffalo had over Bowling Green on Friday night. They failed to mention the BGSU coach mad at his own fanbase for being "pitiful" for not freezing their asses off on a Friday night to see a home loss. Yes, damn their fans!

8:14 — Yeah, Letterman should have been the free space.

8:12 — Perhaps it was not a good idea to coin the word "Nuggnut" in a McDonald's campaign. Especially if you leave out former innuendo-laden hockey goalie Ron Tugnutt.

8:10 — A team can only convert so many 3rd and teens before they bring out the kickin' game. Ian McGarvey converts the field goal to give his team a 3-point McLead.

14 17

8:08 — Nate Davis runs for a first down and a lot of bonus yards. But WILL HE FLOAT?

8:06 — It's Muncie's answer to Wes Welker. Briggs Orsbon dives and catches the 3rd and long pass.

8:04 — BJ Hill might've had the most acrobatic and impressive kickoff return in college football this year that only wound up putting the ball on the 30-yard line.

8:00 — Coffee magnate Juan Nunez scores a touchdown on the infield fly rule, and hey, maybe this will be a close game after all.

14 14

7:59 — Yes, Jamarko Simmons made a great one-on-one play to set up first and goal ... but what kind of star WR number is 27?

7:52 — WMU's "two quarterback" formation winds up with other-QB Drew Burdi running the ball for 9 yards and one under par.

7:50 — BSU begins with a punt, and Western returner E.J. Biggers loses oodles of yards by stepping outta bounds accidentally. Heh. "Biggers."

7:47 — Oh, look, the commercial where the guy sneak-pulls a Heineken out of the wrapping paper. How often can we re-gift this ad?

First Quarter

7:45 — The chirpin' Cardinals, trying to bring the lead back to 14, instead let a WMU defender fling Cory Sykes down to the ground for a big loss.

7:42 — Hiller laterals it to backup QB Drew Burdi, who lobs it to Schneider Julien.

Also, please punch a hole through "trickeration." Twice, technically.

7 14

7:38 — Well, that's modestly hopeful. Brandon West returns the kickoff to the 40something line, but unlike most other fortysomething results, he will not have a mid-life crisis and try to take up surfing.

7:34 — And good thing they kept the ball, because Davis chucks it to Louis Johnson for about a 40-yard touchdown reception. Bentley: Johnson "runs unmolested down the field." Ah, schoolboy memories.

0 14

7:33 — Ball State really is the new Toledo. Brady Hoke lets his team run the ball on 4th and 1, and they convert.

7:31 — Much like last week, Sean Baker enjoys intercepting directional Michigan quarterbacks. Hiller forced it and Ball State takes over at midfield.

7:28 — Many ESPN commenters are cheering for Ball State and Western Michigan. Some misunderstood the question and are rooting for Alabama or Auburn.

7:23 — MiQUALE! MAN!

0 7

7:22 — WMU still refuses to guard #81, Johnson, in the secondary. Because that's just what they'd be expecting them to do.

7:20 — Davis to Louis Johnson. I'm sensing a theme. "Davis should register his arm as a lethal weapon." Haven't they made enough of those films?

7:17 — Footage of Western Michigan buses getting to the stadium 40 minutes late, because of accidents on I-69. You never want to have an accident on 69.

7:15 — QBs on display my foot. These punters ROCK!

7:13 — There's something remarkably unsettling with the name "Trey Buice." Is that a Gaelic greeting?

7:11 — Nice run by the not-at-all-pretentious-sounding name Aaron Winchester for 19 yards.

7:09 — Not enough Quale-ness for another first down, and WMU will receive the punt and set up the football.

7:07 — So, actual game updates. MiQuale Lewis catches Nate Davis's screen pass and makes some Quale-like moves for the first down. Not to be confused with Quayle-like moves, where he catches a screen passes and puts "E"s on words that don't need them.

7:06 — Also, any comments you leave on ESPN's game thread might make it to the TV screen. Remember. "Gaping hole."

7:03 — Ooh, it's Interactive Tuesday! you can write comments to ESPN and put them on the scrolling marquee at the top. Your goal for the day: get the phrase "gaping hole" into a published comment. "Call 1-800-269-0213 to voice your opinion," it says. Please do.

Pre-Game Babble

Even though last night's Saints win over Green Bay had more scores than an Abraham Lincoln speech, it's getting to the point of the year in which prime-time-scheduled football is not nearly as interesting as mid-majors duking it on on a Tuesday night. And this one actually means something, at least in the fishbowl of a world that is the Mid-American Conference. The winner of this game will play in the MAC Championship game against — hold your laughter — the University at Buffalo. The game will be in Ford Field in a valiant attempt to hold a meaningful game there. Both of these teams are bowl bound, although in all fairness they're also good enough to make the playoffs in the NBA Eastern Conference.

Record In Deadspin Live Blogs
Ball State: 1-0
Western Michigan: It's amazing, after all their tradition and glory, that they haven't been in one yet.

Bingo Card

Today's digitally-mastered bingo card will not be seen tonight, for numerous technical reasons, many which involve Adobe InDesign crashing every time I open it. So as part of last week's Green Week, I have wasted a piece of looseleaf on tonight:

NOTE: If you have trouble reading any of them, don't worry. We're probably not going to make a bingo tonight anyway.

So I turned on the channel that I thought was ABC and saw Rutgers vs Army. Then I found the real ABC and the Ohio State/Michigan game. The only way this could have been worse is turnig on ABC and hearing Pam Ward say "welcome to Iowa where the Hawkeyes are taking Northwestern. " -drscooter19

Michigan's defense, spending more time on the field than the Ohio State Grounds Crew does, combined, during the week. -Fraganhome

Pam Ward gets Indiana-Purdue. And immediately, everyone in the state of Indiana puts it on mute. HA HA, FUCKERS! -KingDonut66

Paul McGuire is on the tOSU/Michigan sideline hunched over on a chair with a blanket on his lap, a cup of coffee in hand, and he is visibly spitting while he's talking. Who knew Lou Holtz had a twin.
- SoonerSteve

Forget a college football playoff. President-Elect Obama needs to put his weight behind the Guns Up! Bill, which would keep rifles and assault weapons out of the hands of Lee Corso. -Signal2Noise

New discovery: Bill Stewart Face : college football :: Norv Face : NFL -Signal2Noise

Who this "Dexter Fishmore" fool? Damn... gotta change my AIM handle to CamNewtonianPhysics before five-oh figure out this laptop ain't mine. Don't wanna have to defenstrate another these bitchez.... -Dexter Fishmore

its "saved by the bell" on fox vs ohio st-michigan on ABC. This is a lot closer than it should be — then again, Kelly and Zack break up in this episode and I keep expecting Jessie to nail him in a pool. -Zombie Jesus X

May the loser of the Apple Cup be doomed to a year of hitting themselves in the crotch with a rubber mallet. -colbypkp678

You know what's less depressing to watch than this Michigan-Ohio State game? CNBC's stock tickers re-creating 1929. -fraganhome

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

10:38 — Abruptly! The broadcast is over. As is my time in this live blog. A hearty Michigan-y thanks to each and every one of you for following along.

10:35 — Wow, I'm really sorry for predicting that one. LeFevour throws a nice, crisp spiral to Sean Baker. Perhaps review will see that Baker's feet were not in bounds, or that they were a drifter's set of feet and his original legs are somewhere in a meadow, which is out of bounds. No? It was a legal INT? Then that's all for this game. Ball State moves to 11-0 and CMU suffers their first conference loss. I hope they both make bowl games, though. Hell of a game. This might've been the most fun football game I've watched since the Super Bowl. Then again I have a short attention span and I always want to nominate the most recent Deadspin post I read for the DSHOF. That's just how I roll. In the now. Carpe diem. Seize the fish.

10:34 — HUGE chunk of razor turf was conquered by a deep ball to Bockheim. The Chips get up and spike the ball.

10:34 — Another completion to Brown, who shakes off someone's wrist and scampers out of bounds.

10:33 — The Mount Pleasanteers who already left the stadium ... RUN BACK INTO KELLY/SHORTS. The pass was ruled incomplete. Get back in time for the next interception, perhaps! But this pass was complete to Poblah and he gets out of bounds. 53 seconds left.

10:29 — Oh, that LeFevour, he always makes something happen. He'll get them down there and make this interes... or he'll throw an interception on the first play. Alex Knipp dives and snags the pick. OR PERHAPS I TOLD YOU THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT HAPPENED. Replays indicate a strong chance that the nub landed on the Dashboard Confessional-inspired razor turf. Caring is for the weak. Why even get out of bed?

10:28 — Antonio Brown, this is your CHANCE TO MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. And he successfully runs over his own teammate before falling to the turf near the 15-yard line.

10:26 — About nine Chippewas defenders circle around MiQuale Lewis to stop him on third down, and commence the dreaded tickle torture. CMU will get the ball back with about 60 seconds of bliss.

10:23 — Ray Bentley says "irregardless." The grammar Führer in me wants me to use that word in a future bingo square. It's now in the mental lockbox.

10:23 — So begins the "run short distance, call time out" battle of wits. Maybe Butch Jones will fake the timeout. Y'know, to screw with the other team.

10:21 — With under three minutes to go, a 3rd and short might have been stuffed by the CMU line. "I think he's a little bit short." WE GET IT. HE'S MINISCULE IN SIZE AND BIG IN HEA... oh, he's short of the first down. I see what you're saying now. yes, he does look short. But on the measure, he got the football nub past the down marker. Devastatin'.

10:19 — HEY THAT'S NOT A PUNT THAT'S A FAKE. On 4th and 18, a reverse gain of one yard ... wait, let's measure it ... nope, that wasn't enough.

10:18 — Crucial. Vital. Sacked. Puntin' time.

10:16 — Holding call on 2nd and 1? No big deal. LeFevour can instead add to his passing yards by throwing to Poblah for many yards yet again. Everyone wins.

10:13 — In response, CMU will string together a hefty number of LeFevour-induced first downs. That's 25 times they've moved the chain. In comparison, when Oklahoma smooshed Texas A&M 66-28, the Sooners had 29 first downs.

10:09 — Could anyone currently in the household of Deadspin platinum VIP commenter Jerkwheat please remove all sharp objects within a 10-foot radius of our favorite CMU alum?

10:08 — Good job, running back. Now get outta the way, we're gonna pass this one. Briggs Orsbon, a name yanked from the depths of the 1830s, hauls in the TD.

31 24

10:06 — Update: 160 yards on 21 touches. Todd Harris so flustered, he called his colleague Ray Lewis, who is also a football player. Levity!

10:05 — MiQuale Lewis yardage update: 141 on 20 carries.

10:03 — M.Q. has over 100 yards on the ground, so he'll just keep running some more, if that's okay with everyone.

10:02 — Ball State will hand it off to ... MIQUALE! MAN!

10:01 — Okay, seriously, Trey Buice. Stop defending. Points are more fun than pass breakups. Don't make us warn you again. CMU punts it away.

9:57 — Todd Harris discusses the turf. When it's warm it feels great but when it's cold it feels "like little razorblades." Eco friendly? Screw that. MAC football in November: now emo friendly! Hey, we'll take any demographic we can find.

9:54 — The man who spun Johnson around on the play, it should be known, is Tim Brazzel. Brizzle Brazzel Brozzel Brome, time for this one to come home.

9:49 — Hey, lookit. Davis to Louis Johnson makes it tied. Nice tackle there by CMU, though. Actually, we have a couple screenshots of the play:

24 24

9:49 — The ONE time I put Brett Favre off the board, and they compare Davis' overthrown ball to Brett Favre. SERIOUSLY now.

9:48 — Back to Ball State and the tiny, short legs of QualeMan, who is short.

9:44 — Okay, excellent commercial there by GameStop. What really made this work was the "Dead Man Don't Wear Plaid" coffee tactic shtick as the father just kept finding more magazines.

9:41 — Two plays (and less than a minute) later, Tito Poblah is dancing in the end zone with a football in his hands. The Chippewas will be billed fifteen (15) yards for the dance, and $27.99 for a pair of new clogs.

9:41 — Are you Fevourish? The not-at-all-Tim-Tebow quarterback brings it to midfield.

Third Quarter

9:37 — Four fingers in the air. Yes, that is how you'd be drawn if you were an animated character.

9:34 — Sackenbraten. Nate Davis unexpectedly takes a ride to the turf on third down, so let's punt for Jesus. Chris MIller's kick sails and bounces 52 yards.

9:31 — Hold on a sec. The Emergency Alert System is running a test on my TV. Had this been an actual interruption in the live blog you would have been given instructions as to what brand of duct tape to purchase, along with a diagram the most delicious part of the human body. It looks like LeFevour failed to get in the end zone by [takes guess] throwing the ball over his shoulder and out of bounds, hitting the mascot in a hilarious fashion. As the game comes back into my rectangular screen, Monseiur Antagonisté shanks the three point try.

9:30 — Trey Buice didn't get the memo that he's not supposed to make great coverage plays in the end zone. Incompletion.

9:25 — The defenses in this game are like the British House of Lords. Traditionally they exist, but over time their role has diminished. Already CMU has advanced the ball well past midfield after numerous first downs.

9:18 — A landmark moment for onomatopoeia everywhere. Daniel Ifft — who is not a Monty Python recurring character (yet) — runs into the endzone and catches the tying pass.

17 24

9:16 — Nate Davis is taller than MiQuale Lewis and therefore less of a Rudy figure, but runs down the sideline for 22 yards.

9:14 — Brady Hoke does his best Tom Amstutz impression by going for it on 4th and one on their own 40. No idea how MiQuale Lewis extended that far with his knee on the ground, but regardless the drive continues. By the way, I loved Brady Hoke in "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

9:12 — Nate Davis does a pretty good but not perfect impression of LeFevour. Tackle was made by Frank Zombo, who can do anything he wants.

9:09 — Drop the kickoff. Yes, that's a good way to get your team back in it.

9:05 — Sneeeeeeeeeed.

10 17

9:04 — Sean Baker helps CMU by putting on a Ball State uniform and headbutting a Chippewas guy, perhaps taunting him for silly urine-colored uniforms. Half the distance to the goal.

9:03 — Wide Open Man #312 tonight: Kito Poblah, who didn't score simply because he fell over his own petard.

9:01 — And we're back. Ever just lock yourself in the bathroom and just cry for 20 minutes for no reason? Anyways, back to the action! CMU starts off with the ball.

Halftime Entertainment Video

Pssh. Unions.

Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman

Second Quarter

8:38 — Welp, forget about Ball State returning this thing at all. Briggs Orsbon questionably lets the ball graze off his fingertips, then he and his boys run back about 15 yards to pounce on it. Kneel, get up, and warm up those calf muscles.

8:36 — The decision to kneel or go for points ends up leaning toward the "Ask Corso" methodology. Two incompletions and a bad run makes CMU punt and Ball State will get the ball back for about 30 seconds.

8:34 — So, did Ray Bentley just admit to beating the shit out of guys outside of football?

8:30 — The microphone appears to be down gain. Dell technicians are standing by... the water cooler, but they'll answer the phone in about 15 ... minutes ... after Conan.

8:29 — Ray Bentley on the cheerleaders jumping up in down on camera: "You get people in front of a camera, they'll do all kinds of things." Oh, say that again. [zzzip]

8:28 — The tension over a 21-yard field goal has never been chillier. Ian McGarvey, who is in no way a bassist for a prog rock band, nails the three points.

10 10

8:26 — Hmm. On 3rd and 4 inside the 10-yard line, perhaps a run was not the way to go.

8:23 — There's the throw by Davis ... and an impromptu game of hackysack breaks out in the end zone. F'in hippies. Incomplete pass, Ball State calls timeout.

8:21 — MiQuale Lewis is Dustin Pedroia in a football uniform. He's tiny. He needs a phone book so he can stand in the huddle and hear the play. When it rains he's the last to know and first to drown. HE'S SHORT, PEOPLE. Henny Youngman, can you think of any other comparatives? Nate Davis scrambles for a while and finally dumps it to Lewis for a nifty gain of 10 or so yards.

8:19 — Myles Trempe drops the long, wide, Linda Lovelace-caliber pass. Trempe, you can do stupid things!

8:18 — Cory Sykes ran for 16 yards, and was tripped up by defender Bobby Seay. The state of Michigan clearly has a monopoly on athletes named Bobby Seay.

8:17 — On the Ball state kickoff return, I give that a 3.4 out of 10 in football fight severity. It had clear battle lines drawn, but no injuries, a few words, and not enough pushing. You can do better, guys.

8:15 — Aguila ties the damsel in distress to the train tracks for three points. Who shall rescue her?

7 10

8:14 — Geek Squad finally fixed the referee's microphone mid-sentence. Somebody's #66 did something wrong. Well just have to wonder.

8:10 — Quick, throw it to Kito Poblah! Even though Derrick Henry just piledrove him into the ground. That's interfering with the pass, which is cheating. And for good measure, the ball caromed off the back of the Ball State defender's helmet. Koink.

8:07 — I feel like a billionaire landed his helicopter on the field and started throwing out first downs to everyone. Or the MAC commissioner put on a blindfold and hit a piñata, spilling first downs and Bit-O-Honeys onto the field. Everyone's moving the chains quite well tonight. Defense is a warm-blooded critter.

8:05 — Third Down Conversionwich? With kettle chips. LeFevour k'nex with Anderson despite the defensive pass interference call.

8:04 — Please, everyone, do not go watch Pushing Daisies.

8:02 — G-G-G-G SACKWICH. Kashawn Frasar hammers Davis to the ground, and Ball State's penalty doesn't help much. Now for the low sodium, but less delicious puntwich.

8:00 — Davis throws it deep, and the refs can't justify any kind of penalty on CMU, so it goes as an incompletion.

7:57 — Instant Message from this girl I'm seeing:

it's the finale of america's next top model, I feel the need to live blog it ... because of this, I hate you.

This is the effect I have on women. Also, WHADDYA MEAN YOU CAN'T GO OUT TOMORROW!?

7:54 — Joe Bockheim is hurt. BUT HE CAUGHT THE TOUCHDOWN! Also, he's kind of hurt. Nah, he'll hop back up (with the help of two pulling arms) and let the Sinister Viscount Aguila do his sweet, sweet thang for the PAT.

7 7

7:52 — FOURTH AND GUTS. LeFevour sneaks into the gullets of 10 large dudes, which is my kind of a Wednesday night. He pokes the ball past the accurate-not-accurate yellow line for a new set o' downs.

7:51 — That's better than falling down™. LeFevour to Bryan Anderson for eight yards.

First Quarter

7:46 — LeFevour hits the NCAA equivalent of a Mario Kart banana peel and tumbles for about a half-yard gain.

7:46 — Back to back extremely wide open CMU men catch large passes for first downs.

7:43 — So far I must say ESPN is treating this game with the respect it deserves. A 17th-ranked team against an unranked is generally a so-so game on the national radar. But they realize this game is HUGE for both of these teams, and are staying on topic accordingly. Of course, for all I know they have Mike Leach waiting on Line 2 to discuss their game on Saturday in the third quarter.

7:39 — Louis Johnson was extremely open. Nate Davis recognizes. Seven points. Respec'.

7 0

7:38 — MiQuale Lewis does his best Antonio Brown impression of Dan LeFevour. Loss of a bunch.

7:37 — Who says bloggers aren't journalists? The commenters are having a raging discussion on what font the uniforms are using. They'll get their own Sunday column if they can correctly guess what point size the numbers are.

7:33 — Todd Harris: "I'm not sure who's injured because I can't see the number. It could be Sean Murnane but I could be wrong so I won't speculate. Even though I just did." It was Casey Droscha. But that's OK. All white lineman look alike.

7:32 — The referees were reminded that defenses can also commit personal fouls, so they begin the trend with calling a late hit call on CMU. Also, sorry about not calling the mask earlier. Ball State is 22 yards away from a touchdown.

7:30 — Bummerville. MiQuale Lewis's enormous run gets trimmed immensely by a holding call downfield. (That's Ball State's first penalty in four games.) The ball goes back about 20 yards to the further 42-yard line.

7:26 — Oh, Andrew Aguila, that's a tremendous player mug shot you have:

Ha! Never get a 17th century swashbuckling villain as your placekicker. Aguila shanks the field goal, keeping the game nice, scoreless, and tidy (not to mention nipple-crinkling freezing).

7:24 — Antonio Brown does a horrible LeFevour impression. The direct snap loses five yards. Also, he does not roll his R's.

7:24 — "Aw hell, nothing's working. Just keep running it, Dan." "K, coach."

7:22 — The designed "fuck it, just run up the middle" play works for LeFevour for over 10 yards and a first.

7:19 — Gak. Disgusting three-and-out for Ball State. Fitting. Almost karmic.

7:18 — Maybe during the commercial, Butch Jones made a plea bargain with the referees to kick Nate Davis in the testicles.

7:14 — Kenny Meeks was trying to get a sample of LeFevour's cheek cells for his biology project. That or he just yanked on the mask. But the official ruling is: holding on CMU? That's probably the opposite of what happened. Any neck damage done to CMU's quarterback was purely coincidental and/or the result of hypochondriac propaganda.

7:12 — Huddles are for queers and Luxembourgians. CMU will just keep running play after play. Speeding up the game in the no-huddle offense? Good idea. But ... delay of game. Never mind.

7:10 — Ontario Sneed is an impact player for CMU, according to ESPN. That implies they'll actually use him as much as they should. And that, there, is why they won't. LeFevour avoids sacks and sashays through oncoming Muncieans for the first down.

7:09 — I was looking for Dan LeFevour and Tim Tebow, but we have a LeFevour-Vince Young comparison instead. The night is young.

7:08 — So much for bursting out of the gates and flowing strong. The drive became constipated at midfield.

7:06 — Well, that's a start. 24-yard reception from Nate Davis to the wideliest of wide open Darius Hill.

7:05 — See, this is why mid-major games are great. They say 7 p.m., and it kicks off five minutes later. No drawn out pre-game show. The World Series and movie theaters could learn from these kinds of games.

7:04 — Oh wow. CMU has opted for "Vegas gold" uniforms, which is euphemism for "piss yellow." What a bunch of maroons.

7:02 — Todd Harris and Ray Bentley are the messengers tonight in the booths. And there's scenery of the football zamboni plowing midfield to get the snow off. Don Shula can't be happy about that.

7:00 — A montage to the tune of "For Those About To Rock" by AC/DC. I'm rocking, and they're saluting me! For once I feel part of a community now.

Pre-Game Babble

0 0

I've live blogged two NFL games and UNC-Kentucky basketball this week. To this day I have not yet decided why I agreed to that. But of all the events this week, this one tonight excites me the most. Yes, because Ball State is a teeny tiny school with big hopes and dreams of one day shedding its wooden torso and becoming a real football program. But also because, shit, it's MAC football. It's my conference. I didn't go to a Big Ten school so I'm not going to pretend I'm a Big Ten fanboy.

I haven't gotten a chance to see much MAC football this year. Sometimes it wasn't even my fault. While enjoying an overtime game between Akron and Kent State earlier this year, the local cable provider abruptly cut the feed to switchover to the start of the Michigan game. There's not much room in this crazy BCS world for a little boy and his medium-sized conference football. And all it took was the Mid-American folks to sell out and jury rig their schedule to play on prominent nights like Tuesday and Wednesday. We're comin' for ya, Dr. House, you cane-wielding limey poser.

Now to the game. A CMU win guarantees a spot in the MAC championship game, while Ball State needs to win this game and the showdown with Western Michigan next week to sweep the regular season. If they win those two, and the MAC championship against Bowling Green (humor me here), then Ball State will probably play in the BCS Title game against Ohio State. As long as I've gone this far, let me also share that I just made $53,000 on the stock market by investing in a company that makes your penis double in size. SCIENCE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Bingo Card

* * * * *

Second Half

11:06 — So hey, that's all for tonight, but thanks to the five of you who read everything I typed. Including the following word: clothespins.

11:04 — The most esoteric reference at the end for Vitale was Lionel Ritchie, which was a pretty solid stream of consciousness to get there. Also, he said tonight is why "North Carolina is uno number one." I highly recommend the #1 combo at Uno. Cheese pizza and breadsticks. Mmm.

58 77

11:02 — Yeah, Zeller looks like his hand bent the incorrect way.

10:59 — Tyler Zeller gets fouled rather mightily by Ramon Harris. As Zeller struggles to find the rest of his facial organs, we're reminded that his brothers were good basketball players too. This is the Tinkerbell Theory in that if you talk about a player's dossier enough, he'll get better via audience participation.

10:58 — Somehow. SOMEHOW. Vitale sneaks in a Tim Tebow mention with under three minutes in the game.

10:57 — By the way, Deon Thompson fouled out with 20 points and 8 rebounds.

10:55 — You think I have it bad? Kansas is leading Florida Gulf Coast University 81-39 with a few minutes left in the game. Good thing that wasn't on TV.

10:54 — The cameras bravely found Ashley Judd among, somehow, UNC fans. Apparently she made a pact that if Obama won North Carolina, she would sit in the students section in this game.

10:50 — Silly foul there by Ed Davis. What kind of lapse in cranial judgment would you call that, gang? Live blog timeout.

51 68

10:47 — Shulman: "Digger has 78 teams in the tournament and you have 12 teams in the top five." Because of that, Shulman among the top three broadcasters I've ever watched.

10:45 — A letter from Mike Krzyzewski to Michael Jordan. When does that go on eBay? Either way, get your paint and stamp MJ's name like you mean it.

10:42 — Not like it's going to happen, but in actual game scoring news, Kentucky is 13 points away from a tie.

10:40 — Vitale gave Obama an "average" rating of basketball ability, probably the most condemning review of hoops skills ever doled out by Dickie V. in the last 20 minutes

10:38 — Still awaiting a mental breakdown. At this point just seeing one might convince me to mark it. Hell, hearing Tom Petty's "Breakdown" might elicit me to mark it.

46 64

10:34 — Also, Vitale has great things to say about his co-worker, Dan Shulman, who's one of the best. Everything's a good thing. Even badness is good because it makes good things gooder.

10:33 — Everybody's good with this character. Expect some huge praise for SIU-Edwardsville if this thing goes to overtime.

10:32 — If you didn't notice that, Vitale had three degrees of compliments:

1. Pittsburgh. They're good because they beat:
2. Miami of Ohio. They're good because they played well against
3. UCLA. If he would have mentioned John Wooden, it'd be the rarified four degrees of compliments. Currently HDTV does not support such complexity of laudatory commentary.

10:31 — "Will this be the year" that a non-major school makes it to the Final Four? I guess it's already been handed down from above that George Mason has always been a legendary basketball powerhouse.

10:28 — Derek Jeter doesn't need to be a spokesman for a deodorant. It's not like if he forgets to cover up his sweat smell, he won't have a threesome.

39 55

10:25 — Have two nouns not in the game ever been mentioned more in a 2-hour span? Tyler Hansbrough and VMI are sure getting their audio's worth.

10:23 — Breaking update: I am a horrible person. The black "K" on the uniform is for Bill Keightley, longtime UK equipment manager, who passed away in March.

10:20 — I need a timeout to compose myself.

31 45

10:17 — A twist: the Rays WERE mentioned. But it took Dan Shulman, not the Tampa native, to knock the bingo spot down. WE ARE ONE "MENTAL BREAKDOWN" FROM THE FIRST EVER BINGO, PEOPLE.

10:16 — The latest on Hansbrough's injury, here's Erin Andrews. Her first words: "Again, just to reiterate..." Stay tune for the latest same report in ten minutes.

10:15 — Understanding the reference, can UNC's Wayne Ellington still be nicknamed, albeit off-the-cuff, "Duke?" Or is this a Dick Vitale pajama fantasy?

10:13 — Again, in case you didn't know, Kentucky played VMI in their first game. (Spoiler: VMI was the WINNER!)

10:12 — Tyler Zeller was called for a foul of Not Being Tyler Hansbrough.

10:09 — Erin Andrews was rather taken aback by Coach Gillispie's "spirited" speech, little of which she can evidently repeat. Here's to hoping the compound swear words were plentiful. A rumor that one of the words was "fuckhammer" would make my evening.

Halftime Entertainment Video

[speechless, twitching, shivering, a bit sleepy]

First Half

9:52 — The first half ended in the exact same minute this bag of Baked Ruffles just became empty. It's a sign.

25 41

9:48 — Wait. Did they just say Dick Vitale's going to broadcast an NBA game? The fuck? Am ... am I dead?

9:46 — Kentucky: 17 turnovers, 21 points. The entire team already has a double-double in the first half.

9:45 — VMI is getting so many mentions, you'd think Mike Krzyzewski was named their new head coach.

9:42 — UNC is clinging to that somethingteen lead as we reach the next media timeout. Media includes liveblogs. This break is taken specifically for me. I'm honored.

21 38

9:41 — Southwest Baptist beat Utah, causing Vitale to Google where the school was located.

9:39 — Dickie V. wants college players to stay for three years minimum in college, because he hates parity and wants Kansas, Duke, UNC and UCLA in the Final Four every year.

9:37 — Erin Andrews reports on Roy Williams finding out about three players coming back for another year, and imagining what it'd be like for UNC if they weren't here. God, they'd be, like, sixth. Terrifying!

9:35 — And a longer 3-point line. En fuego. Vitale: "look at all those lines!" Yes, there are two. HOW CAN YOU KEEP TRACK OF THAT MANY?

9:33 — Pedroia. Count it.

9:31 — Enjoying the eight-minute timeout break, they are.

15 31

9:30 — Okay, Ed Davis had a crazy slick save out of bounds, that turned into a 3-point bucket. Even I, made of cardiac stone, can appreciate that.

9:27 — Lookit that. Kentucky's only down 11. I say that with a thick streak of optimism that this game won't devolve into what Hansbrough had for lunch Thursday. (Spoiler: Greek salad!)

9:26 — Also, Marcus Ginyard is a UNC player who is out with an injury. CUE THE STORIES ABOUT HIM!

9:23 — Out of the TV timeout, back to talking how awesome it'd be if Tyler Hansbrough wasn't injured. (Spoiler: very awesome!)

9:20 — Jodie Meeks' 3-pointer out of the break narrows the lead by 15.8 percent. Sure makes it sound monumental, don't it? They're still down sixteen.

9:20 — Timeout, Kentucky. "I've seen better passing in Ultimate Basketball." (Christ, that game was hard.)

6 25

9:19 — HEY STOP STEALING THE BALL AND DUNKING, I CAN'T TYPE THAT FAST.

9:19 — Another Kentucky turnover. I'm going to cut that sentence into my clipboard.

9:17 — Now Kentucky gets a steal, and somehow relays it to Patrick "Pat" Patterson for a dunk.

9:16 — I'm having trouble counting the UK turnovers. Afraid it'll put me to sleep.

9:15 — Hey! The Wildcats doubled their points. Good on them.

9:11 — TV timeout. At least it's still within two touchdowns.

2 15

9:10 — UNC finally makes a mistake and blows a fastbreak layup.

9:09 — Gah. "Dancing With The Stars." I knew I was forgetting something. But "dancing with Erin Andrews" certainly qualifies for the hotness square.

9:08 — Deon Thompson forcefully stuffed Roman Harris's attempt at points. I'm going to pretend the blue uniforms are Butler jerseys in the hopes that this game is close.

9:06 — They're already bored with this 8-2 rout that they're talking about when Hansbrough will return. Good thing nothing else is happening in the arena tonight except for the healing of muscle tissue.

9:05 — Six points for UNC and it we haven't even played two minutes of gametime yet. UNC and VMI for the national championship?

9:03 — And Kentucky's uniform has the "K" a different color than the rest of the lettering why? Because UCLA started it?

9:02 — Sure was nice of Kentucky to make their warmup unis out of discarded golf polo shirts. Recycling!

8:56 — Wuh-oh. Shulman and Vitale showed up with the same haircut. Also, a Vitale editorial: college basketball is very good. Note: the views and opinions expressed by the analysts do not necessarily represent the opinions of ESPN and its family of networks.

8:55 — Correction. Bob Knight just yelled "Yokohama Sea Lions." He is giving it his all.

8:50 — Rece Davis: suit. Hubert Davis: suit. Jay Bilas: suit. Digger Phelps: suit. Bob Knight: comfy green sweater. I know he he has a naturally deadpan personality, but it sure looks like Bob Knight would rather be fishing.

Pre-Game Babble

Yes, that photo up there is Rasheed Wallace in his early fighting days. My, how he's grown up since.

Will the game be interesting? Who the hell knows. These programs are 1-2 in most wins all time in NCAA history, so for a college game in November, this is as marquee as it gets. The Department of Homeland Security is issuing a Film Noir Montage Code Red for this game. Adolph Rupp's name might come up.

Anyways, Hansbrough may be out for the game, but the history of both teams will be the storyline here. Tar Heels blog Carolina March basically says the same thing, although ... wait ... "Aye Zigga Zoomba Zoomba Zay?" THAT's your tagline? That's OUR tagline. (Sort of.) No, BGSU predates 1950, so I hereby demand half of UNC's national championships be transferred directly into Bowling Green's record books. Thank you in advance.

Projected Starting Lineups

North Carolina

G Ty Lawson, offspring of a notable NFL cornerback
G Wayne "Menthol" Ellington
F Danny "The Patch" Green
F Deon "Unfiltered" Thompson
C Tyler "Reasonably-Minded T" Zeller

Kentucky

G Michael "Sky" Porter
G Jodie "Delk" Meeks
F Patrick "Mashburn" Patterson
F Perry "Tayshaun" Stevenson
F Ramon "Bowie" Harris

Bingo Card

This will also be my first time live blogging a Dick Vitale-broadcasted event, whom you may remember was the inspiration for Thought Bingo. So this one required a ton of randomness and almost prompted another exponential layer of squares, giving us 36.

LATE ADDITION: Storming The Floor wanted me to include "Kentucky's neon-blue checkerboard uniforms," which I must say is not only a good idea, but also my first bingo request. So consider this a wild card space. If this one is mentioned, close your eyes and throw a dart at the computer screen. Mark off wherever it lands.

Cincinnati (-4) at Louisville- The Bearcats win the Big East if they can win on the road tonight at Louisville and then next week at home against Pitt. Yeah, Cincinnati might be in a BCS bowl. Prior to this the best bowl Cincinnati has ever been in is the PapaJohns Bowl. What's more they've only been to 10 bowl games in their history. Should be interesting to see how the team responds.

Miss. State at Alabama (-22)- Chances are you had no idea that Miss. State has beaten Alabama two consecutive years. And that in those two years Alabama hasn't scored an offensive touchdown. But they have. So that means Alabama probably isn't overlooking this opponent one week after they clinched the SEC West. Except, you know, this game is slotted between LSU and Auburn. Of course State also hasn't won a road game yet this season but, even still, this spread seems a bit high. Right? Especially since Alabama hasn't beaten any SEC team by more than 20 since the middle of September. But that's not stopping the Houndstooth twins, Maegen and Ashley Bailey, from remaining steadfast in their support.

Texas (-14) at Kansas- The year after their magical season the human blimp that is Mangino has returned to earth. At just 6-4, Kansas has lost every big game they've played this year, including 3 of their last 4 overall. Now Kansas has Texas and Missouri left on the schedule. Could Texas be ripe for the upset in Lawrence? If Kansas is going to have any kind of season worth remembering they have to win one of these final two. Otherwise they'll slink into a bowl at 6-6 and fans will have to convince themselves that 2007 actually happened. Don't worry, it did. We have the picture to prove it.

Meanwhile, Texas can't just win. They've got to slaughter Kansas and then sit back next weekend and root for Oklahoma to beat Texas Tech by 1. So it all comes down to the BCS standings to see who represents the Big 12 South in a three-way tie.

South Carolina at Florida (-23)- Steve Spurrier's headed back to the Swamp for the second time. In 2006, it took a blocked field goal on the final play of the game to preserve Florida's chance to play for a national championship. Now the Gators look unstoppable. But doesn't that line seem a bit high considering South Carolina has the best defense in the SEC? I think so. But then, Florida's offense has looked truly unstoppable for the past month. What would the over/under be in a hypothetical Florida/Big 12 Champion be? 85? Maybe.

Notre Dame (-4) at Navy- Remember way back when Notre Dame signed Charlie Weis to a 58 year contract extension and a few people questioned whether that was smart? And then Notre Dame fans got all upset and ripped anyone who didn't want to buy the lard from Charlie's gastric bypass surgery on eBay? Yeah, good job picking your battles. Weis's coaching record is worse than Bob Davie's. Navy has a winning record and is coming off a win at Notre Dame last year. Could Notre Dame really lose to Navy twice in a row?

Utah (-30) at San Diego State- As soon as they win this game Utah will be 11-0 and only have a home game remaining against BYU to complete a perfect regular season. Admit it, you don't care because they aren't in a Big 6 conference. God, you suck. Almost as much as San Diego State sucks. But not quite.

Ohio State (-9.5) at Illinois- One year after Ron Zook took Illinois to the Rose Bowl, he's got to beat Ohio State or Northwestern to be bowl eligible. Since September 13 Illinois has alternated wins with losses. Last week they lost. Can they take down Ohio State for the second year in a row?

Cal at Oregon State (-3)- The conspiracy to refuse to acknowledge that Oregon State remains on track to win the Pac-10 continues for yet another week. Oregon State has three games left and is standing at 5-1. Win out and they win the Pac 10 for the first time since 1965. Yet no one is paying attention to this. Except Beaver fans. Which should be everyone but Vince Young.

Georgia (-10) at Auburn- Tommy Tuberville has to beat either Georgia or Alabama to be bowl eligible. Who saw this coming? Tennessee's collapse has sort of sucked the air out of the national story surrounding Auburn. They couldn't really fire Tuberville could they? Last week Matthew Stafford saved the state of Georgia from the most dispiriting autumn since 1864. But there are still a couple of minefields remaining. This is one. Usually, anyway.

North Carolina (-3) at Maryland- Won't someone please win the ACC? In typical ACC fashion this year two new teams control their own destiny this week. If North Carolina wins all they have to do is beat N.C. State and Duke and they win the ACC's Coastal Division. That's simple enough. But if they lose? Who the hell knows. Same thing with Maryland, win their next three games and they win the Atlantic Division. Lose and we're back to being confused. What a mess.

Vandy at Kentucky (-4)- Remember back when Vandy was the feel-good story of college football and had won five games in a row? Yeah, now they've lost four consecutive games when a win could have made them bowl eligible for the first time since 1982. In two of these games, against Duke and Mississippi State, they've been favored to win. They have three games left to get that win. Can it happen in Lexington? If it doesn't you might be witnessing a pretty epic choke job.

* * * * *

Fourth Quarter

11:17 — Also, I don't do this enough (or, well, ever) but we got some pretty solid hits on the bingo sheet, so here's how we did tonight, based on what you and I saw tonight:

11:16 — Graham Harrell's postgame interview with Salters shows great promise for whenever he's finished with puberty. Maybe he can hire Cole Hamels' speech coach, if that doesn't endanger his NCAA eligibility.

11:13 — We're under two minutes and they sneak in Obama's playoff system advocacy.

11:12 — Someone remind me again why we need a college football playoff when we have analysts competing against each other, trying to outslobber one another all over certain one-loss teams.

11:10 — It appears every one-loss team has a marquee win over Ohio State. You keep using that word "marquee." I do not think it means what you think it means.

11:09 — And with that touchdown, the score goes to schfifty five, before the PAT.

20 56

11:06 — Oh, and Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are Heisman hopefuls. Why don't they just get it over with and rename the trophy "The Best Quarterback On A Top Five Team" or, a name with a bit more marketing sizzle, The Weinkecrouch.

11:05 — Graham Harrell can go back to the sidelines and try to win more Heisman support than John Parker Wilson by launching a Facebook group or whatever the shit the young kids do these days. Taylor Potts will take over for tonight as the new quarterman.

11:02 — Glimmer gone. State punts away after three not-great offensive snaps.

11:00 — Not a touchdown for Texas Tech? I'm ... I'm not sure how to respond. Okie State keeps a glimmer of hope alive deep in their subcockle area with good field position.

10:59 — Lisa Salters REPORTS. It appears that the students are privy to breaking the bleachers, so in the event they bust a part of the stadium, they carry it to the top of the stadium like a drugged out punk rocker, leaving them with ample room to jump around and get down.

10:58 — Tech gets the ball back, and it should be mentioned that, with 7½ minutes left, they haven't punted yet.

10:55 — TTU lineman Brandon Carter cleans up well:

Surf's up, brah.

10:52 — This is just a friendly reminder from Best Buy: HD television can replace your dog. Help control the pet population by getting a flat-screen TV instead.

10:47 — Another touchdown. Which is basically:

20 49

10:44 — Hmm. That took considerably more than five plays. But this is Price Is Right rules, and I beat the ethnic gentleman who doesn't understand our customs and said "1,000" and the probably-a-whore college girl who said "one dollar," so I get to play a pricing game.

10:41 — Let me close my eyes and assume Tech makes first down after first down, reading midfield after about five plays.

10:39 — Is this THE DAGGER I see before me? Darcel McBath picks off Robinson's pass on the 4-yard line.

10:38 — There's the Cowboys' mascot, Pistol Pete. He doesn't look good at basketball at all.

Third Quarter

10:34 — Even though the OK Statesmen are down 22 with a quarter remaining, this AC/DC music just makes you want to rock like Woodstock, so why even leave the house and be social?

10:33 — Herbstreit takes a jab at Colby Whitlock's pink mouthguard. Don't worry, Herbie. For not conforming, he'll get the anal rape hazing that's coming to him.

10:26 — Why, yes, that's Crabtree's third touchdown catch. I didn't even realize you were counting. Musberger jokes about sawing the Heisman in half for Harrell and Crabree. I suppose that means you need to get out a machete, cut a chip in half, and mark that one down too.

20 42

10:21 — In non-barbecue news, Texas Tech is gaining positive yards on passing plays. Crazy, idn'it?

10:20 — Holy mesquite rub. Musberger just recommended a place to eat in Lubbock. Mark that down with, like, three chips.

10:19 — So, if you aren't already sick of that Allstate commercial where the guys dressed up as pathetic tailgating cheerleaders, then get ready to change your mood from "annoyed" to "ENRAGED" as a non-Bob Lobaw law blog condemns the commercial for some highly specific insurance-related reason.

10:16 — State narrows the lead to 14 points after Hunter's touchdown run. Now then, let's again discuss that Sooners/Red Raiders game and how awesome it will be. As soon as Oklahoma State bumbles the PAT snap.

20 35

10:16 — Another fine throw by Zac Robinson. Now, which Disney Channel heartthrob is he again?

10:13 — Look, positive yardage for OK State. A couple of large gains forces Texas Tech to call a timeout and see if they can somehow have their linebackers run curl routes.

10:12 — It's not too early to talk about Texas Tech at Oklahoma in a couple week. Musberger said so. Speaking of football, Dez Bryant scampers for about 30 yards. Kidding! T'was a holding infraction.

10:09 — We're a couple points away from a Spurrierian feat of sportsmanship. Harrell to Crabtree puts the lead to 21 — which also the number of first downs they have so far.

14 35

10:06 — Texas Tech: They just, um, keep getting first downs, don't they.

10:02 — Probably not the decision I'd have done, but Brandon Pettigrew opted to fumble the ball after the catch. Me, I'd rather hold onto it, but Tech scoops up the ball at midfield and will score a touchdown in about three or so minutes.

10:00 — Ooooooooooklahoma State will start with the ball in the second half.

Halftime Entertainment

The reason this is compelling is because they didn't consult George Lucas on the choreography.

Second Quarter

9:39 — The last second Hail Mary worked pretty well. I mean, it made it to the end zone. That counts for something, right? No? It counts for zero points? Oh well. It still was a good throw.

9:34 — After a couple mentions, ABC drops the moving picture evidence of Gundy's postgame rant, asking in the most brazen way for a feature story about him in the newspaper.

9:33 — What great separation by Dez Bryant from his defender, which was almost as impressive as the separation by Dez Bryant's hands from the football. I got a crazy hunch that this is your halftime score.

9:31 — How about another touchdown? Sure, don't mind if I do. Whatever makes ROTC do more push-ups.

14 28

9:30 — There's a quick shot at Craig James's son Adam, a freshman on the Texas Tech team. If James were Lou Holtz, there's no way he could say anything bad about Tech.

9:27 — Wow, that was fast. There's only a minute left in the game, so Tech felt it might be good for someone to use a timeout at this point. ABC has some goddamn commercials to air.

9:26 — Oh, hey, guess what? Yep, another Crabtree first down, this one landing inside the five.

9:24 — Wait just a cotton plant-filming minute. Crabs don't grow on trees! #6 to #5 goes for a first down.

9:23 — Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino never played college football. You could never tell by looking at them. I thought they were both blue chip wide receivers.

9:21 — "Hi, Kelsey Grammer? You want to make another thousand bucks on your Frasier charcater? Okay, take a sip of this strange soft drink. You can spit it back out later. Theenks."

9:19 — Wait. They STILL make episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos? Is there really a need for this anymore? More to the point, how can someone pay attention for 60 minutes of little kids inflicting groin trauma on mildly suspecting uncles when this nation gets bored with that kind of stuff on YouTube after 30 seconds?

9:16 — If the football thing doesn't work out for Keith Toston, he can sell his name to a company that makes s'more ingredients. But for now, his goal line touchdown brings OKSU back in the game.

14 21

9:15 — Oh, I KNOW WHAT THAT IS. Oklahoma State has their own version of Sportscaster Thought Bingo. Man, those guys steal all sorts of ideas. They took Tech's idea for a horsebacked mascot, and now they want to lampoon Musberger and Herbstreit in the format of a geezer game where prizes like coffee makers and wicker furniture can be won.

9:13 — What in the name of all that is complementary? OK State holds up a play board with more clashing colors and letters that would make Warhol blush.

9:11 — Oklahoma State responds with a great drive inside the 10-yard line anchored by a great Kendall Hunter run (he already has 70 yards on eight touches), but his offense isn't nearly as pass happy, so we don't care.

9:07 — Lisa Salters reports on Crabtree's upbringing, and how it was never easy for him ... to decide whether he wanted to be a quarterback, safety, or wide receiver. Hey, we've all been there!

9:03 — Did I forget about the slant pass? They also throw slant passes. It's America's favorite amateur football duo, Harrell to Crabtree. The only problem is that Crabtree doesn't yet have a Dungeons & Dragons racial nickname. I'll stick with Orc until further notice.

7 21

9:00 — I've concluded that big media types have a pedophiliac attraction toward offenses that pass the ball a lot, because they're unconventional and sexy and would look good in a pair of overalls. Think about it. They loved Hawaii's run-and-shoot. They like any mid-major's spread attack. Texas Tech has had a pass-happy offense for a while, and they're eating up the checkdowns and sh___le passes and crossing routes. Here, TTU's series continues to be built on short passes that turn into first downs. They're already inside the 10.

8:58 — An OSU penalty lets Texas Tech get a free shot to ... toss a shovel pass. Not sure why he did that when he could've gone for the sexier and less reliable but more dangerous shuffle pass.

First Quarter

8:55 — Fade to commercial. Nothing goes together better than ACDC and footage of cotton plants.

8:52 — A third down throw to Eric Morris extends the series, and somewhere Legolas is smiling.

8:50 — Punter/goalie Matt Fodge line drives the kick past the returner and it lands inside the 10-yard line for a net punt of 71 yards. So now Tech just gets to put extra yardage on the box score.

8:48 — On a huge 3rd and 8 play (as opposed to inconsequential third down plays, which is every one but this one), the Cowboys must take a timeout. I have nothing else to say on this, except I just saw an OK State player with the last name "Youman." There's a player who never got the impression that coaches forgot his name, but instead just pronounced it incorrectly. His childhood friend Jeff Heythere knows what it's like.

8:46 — Eric Morris, who caught the touchdown, has the nickname "Morris The Elf." You play one MMORPG during film session, and you're marked for life.

8:45 — Guess what. A first-and-goal passing touchdown. I know!

7 14

8:43 — Graham The Cracker keeps the ball in the pocket for a fruitfly's eternity then dumps it underneath to Woods, who finishes off a long 22-yard play with a spin move. I thought spin moves only worked in Madden.

8:41 — Dammit. Now I want to play the original Super Mario Brothers. Would it trouble the Big XII to install a few question blocks in the red zone?

8:40 — While they're reviewing a catch, Texas Tech wins my heart a jillion times over with the marching band rendition of "Super Mario Brothers Level 1-1 Sonata," or whatever in this wondrous earth it's called.

8:37 — All right, football-knowing people. Is it a "shovel pass" or "shuffle pass?" Or is it both? Whatever the correctness, Harrell tosses it to Shannon Woods for a first down. (Maybe it's a Schimmel Pass, in honor of cancer-surviving comedian Robert Schimmel, although this seems only moderately likely.)

8:35 — All these CMA Awards commercials is going to make me hate country music by the end of the night. I mean more so.

8:33 — Oklahoma State quarterback Zac Robinson is from Littleton, Colorado. No, he didn't go to Columbine. But he did have a first down taken away because his linemen felt like cheating. And there they punt.

8:29 — Ha. Musberger talked to a Texas Tech student earlier this week who said in the last two weeks he's gone to zero classes but has gotten great seats at football games. Perhaps he was skipping classes out of some kind of solidarity with the football team.

8:26 — Harrell gets the Reddish Colored Raiders on the board with a fade throw to Edward Britton, and Musberger is unable to parlay that great catch into a compliment about Michael Crabtree. (give him time.)

7 7

8:25 — They might as well just keep throwing screen passes to Batch. It's working considerably better than third down fumbles.

8:24 — Baron Batch is not the name of a local cookie company, he's the guy that ran for 38 yards down the right sideline.

8:23 — Not a great sign. Harrell is struggling to not fall down under his own strength. But he regains his motor skills and valiantly throws a 2-yard out pass.

8:17 — And Hunter completes the quick series with a touchdown. OR WAS IT? They're reviewing to see if he broke the invisible strawberry syrup covered plane of the end zone. And after looking it, yes, he obviously touched it down.

7 0

8:16 — Kendall Hunter runs up the middle for about 25 yards, and Tech is confused by this strange way of moving the ball.

8:15 — No wonder Graham Harrell throws so much. He even has trouble handing the ball off. The Cowboys pounce on the 3rd and 1 fumble and the field position is so ridiculously low, you'd think we're practically GIVING it away!

8:14 — The Techsters start with the ball, and begin with a run. One minute into the game and they've already exhausted their running plays.

8:12 — Lisa Salters interviews Tech coach Mike Leach, noting how laidback he is. That could also just be mild sedatives in the Gatorade.

8:09 — Who is that mysterious Masked Woman riding a horse? Oh, they said it was Ashley Hartzog. Now the supervillians will terrorize her family. Way to be, ABC.

8:07 — Catching highlights of #1 Alabama's overtime win at LSU. With three losses, this puts LSU's national championship hopes from "mild" to "still better than anyone in the Big Ten."

8:04 — Budget cuts have hit ESPN/ABC pretty hard, and the only CD they have (to pimp) is AC/DC's Black Ice. What tough times we live in.

Pre-Game Babble

Texas Tech must be so confident about this game because their fans are more worried about who stole who's mascot idea. Oklahoma State's "Spirit Rider," introduced in the 80s, while Tech's "Masked Rider" was an official mascot in 1954. In the Southern plans of America, only one school is allowed to have the idea of a fun personality riding a lovable horse. Everything else is plagiarism.

So if Texas Tech gets the crazy idea of scoring 50 points, and Oklahoma State also wants to score 50, then Texas Tech will win by default because they thought of it first.

I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a bingo card today:

This unknown child wins the universal costume contest from now to the end of time. Unless he continues to be the spitting image of the Kansas head football coach even after he reaches full maturity, in which case his therapy bill will be the only thing that's out of this world.

"Finally, we'd like to point out the Facebook effort "Jort-Out Georgia." People think that by looking like white trash, they'll perform better on the field. Trust us, not even kryptonite can stop Knowshon Moreno." But you know what can stop you from having sex? Writing editorials for your college newspaper. Anyway, Jort-Out Georgia is alive and well on facebook here. And I have to say, as lame and gay as the blackout was at Georgia, the jort-out is close to genius. Or close enough to genius to be equated as such when it comes to SEC football. (Note: literacy and ability to count to one-hundred also suffice.)
On to the games.

West Virginia (-4) at UConn- Are the Mountaineers poised to regain their rightful place at the top of the Big East standings or will UConn hang the first conference loss on West Virginia? Right now UConn is 2-1 with the tiebreak over Louisville and West Virginia is the only team undefeated in conference. In the wake of last night's South Florida defeat the Big East race has now been sliced to a six-team affair. West Virginia has won 4 in a row since bad road losses to mediocre East Carolina and Colorado football teams. But all those wins were in Morgantown/Deadwood. Can they step outside of conference and pull off a win? If you're like the rest of us you'll be waiting with bated breath. (Note, by waiting with bated breath, I mean not noticing at all.)

Northwestern at Minnesota (-7)- Who's about to become the hottest coach you've never heard of in college football? Minnesota's Tim Brewster. That happens when you can bring a top 20 recruiting class in despite a 1-11 record and when you start the next season 7-1. Minnesota in the Rose Bowl for the first time since 1966? Don't stop believing Gophers, don't stop believing.

Michigan at Purdue (-2)- Did you know that Purdue was 2-6? I didn't either. This is a high school girl's slapfest. One of these teams is going to finish 2-10. Which one? The one that doesn't win this game.

Miami at Virginia (-2)- All hail your coastal division champion Virginia Cavaliers. Stop laughing. I wrote last week that this was going to happen. Now it's even more likely. Oddsmakers are starting to take note of the Al Groh resurgence; the line moved from Miami favored by 1 to UVa by 2.

Auburn at Ole Miss (-6.5)- Tommy Tuberville limps back to Oxford with a 4-4 record and is almost a touchdown underdog to Ole Miss. Auburn fans are sharpening their knives to lop of off Tubs's oversized ears. Is this in any way justified with his past success? No. Can Auburn attract a better coaching candidate? No. Will this stop them from calling for his head if they lose to Ole Miss? Nope.

Pittsburgh at Notre Dame (-5)- Isn't it amazing how all the criticism of the media love affair with Notre Dame has finally taken hold? There's been virtually no mention of Notre Dame's five wins and they aren't ranked. Wannstedt has had a week to get over the 54 points his team gave up to Rutgers last week. This is just the sort of game Pitt has won under Wannstedt. Or lost by 50. Meanwhile Notre Dame has still not beaten a team with a winning record.

Arizona State at Oregon State (-14)- Is there a media conspiracy that doesn't want to point out that if Oregon State (currently 3-1 in the Pac-10) wins out, they win the Pac-10? You didn't realize they hadn't lost a Pac-10 game since they swamped USC either, did you? The world will be up in arms if Oklahoma slides into the BCS Title game without winning the Big 12. But if USC does it from the Pac-10? No one will even notice.

Tulsa (-7) at Arkansas- The Imma kick the shit out of you former-Arkansas coaching staff victory tour will continue another week. Last week Houston Nutt rolled into Fayetteville and beat his old team. This week Gus Malzahn, Tulsa's offensive coordinator, gets his shot. Tulsa's got the best offense you haven't heard of. They're averaging 625 yards of offense per game and 56.6 points. Averaging. David Johnson, their quarterback, has 32 touchdown passes already. If Malzahn doesn't get a head coaching job sometime soon, there is no justice in the universe.

Oregon at Cal (-3)- Two of the other one-loss Pac-10 teams are playing. What's going to give, Oregon's 278 yard per game rushing attack or Cal's defense that's allowing less than a 100 rushing yards a game. Will this game feature the most weed-smoking per capita on the season? I think so.

Florida (-6.5) v. Georgia- All you need to know about this game comes from ESPN:

Tired of struggling to find enough teachers to staff its classrooms on the Friday before the annual Georgia-Florida football game, the Clarke County (Ga.) School District — which includes Athens, home of the University of Georgia — decided to cancel school altogether.

According to area media reports, 137 teachers last year called in sick the day before the big game, and the district was able to find only 113 substitutes.

School administrators studied the absences over the years and found a pattern — almost twice as many teachers call in sick the Friday before the annual game in Jacksonville, Fla., about 360 miles away, than on an average school day.

Yeah, I can't wait to see this game either. Fuck reading and writing.

Washington at Southern Cal (-47)- The line opened at 43 and quickly moved to 47. Seriously, shouldn't there be a rule that if you're favored by more than 35 over a fellow conference foe that the team you're favored over has to leave the conference for a year?

Texas at Texas Tech (-3.5)- If you're not rooting for Mike Leach to win this game, then you're a communist. If Leach the piriate wins he might get on the team bus, drive to Athens, and allow his team loose to plunder the city. Honestly. I'm just hoping it comes down to the walk-on kicker from 30 yards to win or lose the game. Remember how I keep saying that the winning quarterback of this game has the Heisman locked up? This time I mean it. Colt McCoy has 21 touchdowns, an 81.3 completion percentage, and has thrown for 2285 yards. Graham Harrell has thrown for 28 touchdowns and 3147 yards. In case you've been living under a rock both teams are undefeated. Let the scoring begin.

This is what it has come to: an erudite Alabama fan self-nicknamed "Cowboy" is Phil Fulmer's greatest defender. And Cowboy thinks that Nick Saban might be watching his analysis. Which, given that Saban is all-knowing and all-powerful, He probably is. Find a better mustache than this, I dare you.

Alabama fan rejoices [Roundtable Radio]

LSU fans keep emailing me saying, "When are you going to link our quarterback playing beer pong?" That's what's great about LSU fans. Other teams (cough, Notre Dame, cough) are outraged by their quarterback engaging in a little Beer Olympics, LSU fans are just upset that their quarterback isn't playing beer pong with whiskey and that there aren't hot girls in the photo playing alongside Lee. Undoubtedly that's because the winsome lasses of Baton Rouge are at the other end of the table "distracting" Lee by bending over and showing their cleavage as he attempts to throw. Last year Lee was a redshirt freshman behind Mike Flynn and the batshit crazy Ryan Perrilloux, now he's a beer pong all-star treating sorority houses as a 24-hour buffet.

Laissez les bon temps roulet Jarrett Lee, laissez les bon temps roulet.

Beirut or beer pong, either way, great game [The Big Lead]

1. Charlie Weis and Tom Brady go down in consecutive weeks with knee injuries. Remember that horrible movie Final Destination where death stalked all those kids? I think they even did a sequel. Is anyone else starting to think that's what Spygate is like? Weis getting wrecked on the sideline was just like that kid stepping in front of the bus and getting killed as he tried to cross the street. If I was Bill Belichick, I'd have my head on a swivel next week.

2. Does anyone else have one single friend who's approaching 30 and keeps going out to the same bar you've been going out to for the past 8 years and still runs the same pick-up a girl offense, only now it's not working at all? My friend Kelly is a Michigan grad and spent Saturday watching Michigan attempt to run the spread offense. He's argued with me that it was time for a change of offensive philosophies. Then, he pointed to our friend, standing alone and woefully adrift in front of a live band, and said, "See, the old offense just isn't working anymore." This would have been more effective if Michigan had looked the least bit competent, but, even still, the analogy is almost perfect. At least none of my friends are the only guy at the bar with a gray goatee. It's been my experience that gray goatee is always there. If you haven't noticed this then you might be the guy at the bar with the gray goatee. Condolences.

3. Post-game interview where Jimmy Clausen stares down the camera directly and made your blood run cold. I'm trying to figure out why this is making me so uncomfortable and then it hits me: Jimmy Clausen is Draco Malfoy. If you have no idea who Draco Malfoy is, email me and you can have my balls. You deserve them.

4. Friday night, while you were out drinking and forgot about the game like I told you would happen on Thursday, USF's freshman kicker nailed a 43 yard field goal to beat Kansas. This was the game of the weekend and you forgot about it even though you spent all day Thursday trying to remind yourself not to forget. You suck. See, alcohol does kill brain cells.

5. South Carolina and Georgia. I listened to this game driving back from UAB-Tennessee on Saturday. It was impossible to find for at least an hour. Why are football game so impossible to find on the radio? Anyway, biggest question of the day, why is Spurrier shuttling in Stephen Garcia at all? I don't get this. Smelley is on his way to throwing for 300 yards and you bring in a redshirt freshman who has already been charged with 19 felonies since he arrived on campus. Including keying a professor's car? He proceeds to take two sacks. Mind-boggling.

6. Biggest upset of the week: Maryland over Cal. Cal was a 16 point favorite. Maryland lost to Middle Tennessee state last weekend. Yet, get a 12:00 kickoff rolling, get Cal's players out of bed at roughly 4 in their morning their time, and things can fall apart in a hurry. Why don't Pac-10 teams insist on later kickoffs when they travel all the way across the country? This is the only thing I'd be concerned about the contract. Write it in there and then sign. Or set the return game for 1 in the morning east coast time. But even that isn't really effective because college kids would prefer this anyway. So, basically, if you're from the west coast you have to refuse to play in this game.

7. Speaking of MTSU, you probably haven't seen how Kentucky's game against MTSU ended because it was on something called the Big Blue Network and Tim Couch was taking a break from having sex fourteen times on Saturday to call the game. In fact, when you watch the footage below you'll note that the Big Blue Network managed to miss the actual tipped-ball catch. Setting the scene, less than thirty seconds remain and UK is leading 20-14. They've lined up to attempt a field goal that will ice the game. Enjoy.

Kentucky fans still haven't recovered from this. Almost LSU redux. I still have no idea how the Kentucky db reacted so quickly to make this tackle inside the one. Thankfully the camera man wasn't responsible for deep coverage.

8. One note on the UT-UAB game, for the first time in my life the UT crowd booed players. Up until five years ago you didn't hear booing of any sort at the game. No matter what the result was. And there were some bad results. Both Jonathan Cromption and tight end Luke Stocker (whose hands appeared to be made of granite and lack finger extensions were loudly booed during the third quarter). I don't get this at all. Anytime you boo college athletes, I think it's incredibly stupid. But the booing of college athletes in the second game of the season during a game they're winning? That's Florida Gator fan-level cluelessness there. Is it spreading?

9. The Mississippi State-Auburn game finished with a 3-2 score. That's only happened six times in college football hstory and only once in the past 50 years. It was televised on ESPN-2 and redefined the term "slugfest." If you've ever wondered what football in 1932 looked like, you should have watched this game. But here's the deal, Sly Croom made the dumbest decision of the week. Why in the world did he choose to go for a 4th and 15 late? When his offense hadn't even converted a single third down of any distance all game? Especially when he had the opportunity to try and pin Auburn deep and allow his defense to go for either another safety or at least force Auburn to punt from their end zone? This decision was baffling to me. It's fairly rare you see a coach make a decision this dumb. Ever.

10. UCLA gave up 59 points to BYU. Two weeks ago my team lost to UCLA. This week we play Florida. I can't explain how unsettling this is. I know the transitive property doesn't work in sports, but, still, uh oh. By the way, if you're doubting whether or not USC is going to run the table in the Pac-10 this year, Arizona, Arizona State, Washington State, Washington, Stanford, Cal and UCLA all lost non-conference games this weekend. And Oregon needed overtime to beat the 6th or 7th best Big Ten school, Purdue.

11. Vandy is now 3-0. They beat Rice behind the fleet feet of their white running back, Jared Hawkins. The white running back is the story of this year's college football season. Michigan has one, UCLA started one, and I'm sure there are others. Of course two of these three teams looked inept on offense, but I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Yep, 2008 is the year of the white running back. But, lest we all forget, injury to fat men on your football team, are just a play away. And if this happens, college kids will reenact the injury.

8. UVa at UConn (-12.5)- Remember how Al Groh was supposed to revitalize Cavs football? Yeah, those dreams have long since passed. Now dontfirealgroh.com gets more and more frustrating each week. Already Cavs fans are rooting for the good ole days when their players were being arrested at gay bars to return. But has it really gotten to the point where a UConn team that scored 12 points on Temple, Temple!, opens as a favorite by more than 12 over Virginia? Yep, that time has come. UVa beat UConn last year 17-16. But you have to take UVa with that spread, right?

7. Oregon (-8) at Purdue- This game will take 5 hours to play and end with a score of something like 56-49. The new college football rules designed to shorten the game have no prayer of helping here. Joe Tiller is the most reliably average of all Big Ten coaches. He's good for 7 or 8 wins a year (10 bowl games in 11 seasons) and will inevitably have at least a single game in September that makes you think Purdue might be a factor. Then, they aren't. Unless it's sleeting and his mustache freezes. Then, you have to watch.

Oregon is probably USC's most legit challenger in the Pac-10 and no one has mentioned them all season. Why? Because as much as the Pac-10 complains about a lack of media attention on the East Coast, the only Pac-10 teams that get any West Coast media attention are in major markets in California.

The most interesting thing about this game? Both teams had a bye coming in. Why? (Note, evidently this is not true. Both teams actually played games; Purdue-Northern Colorado and Oregon-Utah State. Even still, I stand by my bye week statement.) The second most interesting thing about this game, Oregon is traveling to Indiana for a football game. Again, why? This is one of those cross-regional games that makes no sense. Does Purdue bring in northwest recruits? No. Does Oregon hit up Indiana for players? No. Have Purdue and Oregon fans been clamoring for this match-up? No. So, why play? Just so the Pac-10 and the Big 10 can play another game on the same day as USC-Ohio State that no one on earth will remember? Brilliant.

But look at all the pretty touchdowns.

6. Auburn (-10.5) at Miss. State- Last year Miss. State and Sylvestor Croom found a way to beat Auburn at Auburn. Now, Auburn has a new quarterback, a new offensive coordinator, a new defensive coordinator, has looked mediocre in two wins thus far and they are favored by two scores in a road game. This makes zero sense to me. Granted State has looked horrible, but even when State wins they look horrible. How could you not take MSU here? I'll tell you, if Croom makes the mistake of scheduling the team fieldtrip to the only escalator in Starkville on the Friday before this game. Last year three starters were injured trying to walk the "magic stairs."

5. Oklahoma (-20) at Washington- Can you imagine what will happen if the officials, feeling sorry for Washington's excessive celebration penalty last week, blow another call on the west coast in favor of a Pac-10 school against Oklahoma. I'm rooting for this to happen just to see Bob Stoops storm the field and choke the head ref to death with his headset cord. Otherwise the Ty Willingham death march is likely to continue.

4. Michigan (-2) at Notre Dame- The fact that Michigan is favored in this game speaks volumes about Jimmy Clausen's hair. Because if you've watched Michigan's offense thus far they look like Australian aboriginees being instructed in how to build websites without first learning to read. Yet, amazingly, the over/under on this game is 37. How? The score of this game is going to be 13-10 Michigan and after it's over, Charlie Weis's amazingly invisible crotch is going to be soiled. But not for long. Immediately after he soils himself, Notre Dame fans will arrive to lick up his mess. All the while exclaiming, "Oh, yeah, Ty Willingham's the one who really blows. This isn't a blow job, this is just a European crotch cleaning."

3. Kansas at South Florida (-3.5)- This game is actually being played on Friday which means 99% of college football fans are going to think, man that sounds like a good game. Only the game will already have been played before we realize it's going on. Which is a shame because Kansas's Mark Mangino and USF's Jim Leavitt are the two angriest coaches on the sideline not named Mike Gundy. Kansas hasn't lost since John Brown's Raid but South Florida is favored at home. Anyone who tells you they have any idea what's going to happen in this game is a fool. USF is the moderately attractive girl of college football. Except she's bipolar. One party she's ski-polling two guys while sitting on the drier, the next weekend she's worn a navy pantsuit to the party and is crying into her Cranberry Diet Mike's Hard Lemonade. I'm sure this is tough to take for USF fans.

Hopefully for Mark Mangino's sake he'll avoid having his picture taken alongside oranges this time.

2. Georgia (-7.5) at South Carolina- Steve Spurrier is reverting to 1994 and plans on alternating between his two quarterbacks, Smelley and Beecher. Neither of them is any good and they're probably not going to be able to throw bubble screens to wide receiver Kenny McKinley, who has an injured hamstring. Meanwhile, Georgia comes into town incensed because Mark May didn't invite Knowshon Moreno onto the set and let him demonstrate his great leaping ability by tea-bagging Lou Holtz. Also, former Georgia defensive end David Pollack is now a member of the CBS announcing team. In what capacity, I'm not sure. There's a strong part of me that wants his only role to be high-skipping into the press box while barking with Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson walking calmly behind him.

This game may be the last chance Steve Spurrier has to prove he's still relevant. Otherwise he sinks to 1-7 in his last 8. It's also one of two early SEC East games (the other is Florida-UT) where every other SEC East fanbase needs to be rooting for the underdog to win so chaos rules in the SEC East.

1. Ohio State (-11.5) at USC- Too much has been said about this game already. And the most interesting question, hasn't even been answered. How much does USC have to beat Ohio State (sans Beanie) by to guarantee that Ohio State has no chance to play in the BCS title game? 30? 40? I'm interested in the number because I really have no idea.

Yeah, 21 months. The protest began when Cal announced that they were planning a $124 million dollar expansion of athletic facilities just outside their football stadium. The tree-sitters decided the 42 campus trees had to be protected and have been living in their branches ever since. For almost two years, they've had their food and waste raised and lowered in buckets by supporters on the ground. In typical Berkeley fashion the Cal officials put up a fence surrounding the perimeter of the trees and allowed the protest to continue while litigation ran its course. Meanwhile, nervous Cal fans have believed that at some point Jeff Tedford would tire of the process and take a job somewhere else. But at long last, the protest is over.

Yesterday afternoon the four final tree sitters were removed from a single remaining tree. Meaning that when you go to Cal games now the primary attraction won't be listening to tree people hoot and holler in a language all their own from one barricaded tree branch to another. As if that weren't enough of a prize for the 2-0 Cal football team, fresh off a 66-3 beatdown of Washington State that no one noticed, they get to play Maryland this Saturday. Oskie the business bear is pumped.

Berkeley tree protesters climb down [New York Times]

Event planning in Southern California just got a whole lot more interesting. Can you also rent the UCLA cheerleaders? If so, I've got some...ideas for them too.

Hire the USC Song Girls [USC Song Girls]
The perfect party favor: Rent a USC Song Girl [Busted Coverage]