Put away the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis. I hate to break it to those who lost interest in hockey in the late 90's and early 00's, but these are not your childhood's Wings and Avs. Yes, most of the major players have returned; Lidstrom, Maltby, Draper, Osgood, McCarty, Sakic, Forsberg, Hejduk, and Foote are all older and wiser. But this is not a bloodbath at the McNichols Sports Arena; this is attrition at the Pepsi Center.

Claude Lemieux's skates have dulled, Darren McCarty is clean, and Patrick Roy lets his son do the dirty work. This Wings/Avs series and the 90's version of the same teams have as much in common as Sorry Ma! Forgot to Take Out the Trash! and Pleased to Meet Me. Do not dismiss this statement as disinterest and obliviousness between these two teams. Just do not expect a gang fight to break out. Complete and utter chaos will only take place if Dominik Hasek's ego inflates while he sits on top of a heating vent.

Zetterberg, Datsyuk, and any other forward are the top line on the ice. Sorry Super Joe, but they inspire fear in onlookers and defensive pairs like Ovechkin racing down the left wing. That's not to say that Colorado is without hope. Jose Theodore's concentration and technique are reaching 2002 levels. If he sequesters himself in his hotel room away from skanks and finasteride, Detroit will have problems hitting the back of the net.

On the other end, Detroit must not give Forsberg time along the halfboards. Only Joe Thornton is more dangerous in that position. Foppa will snipe the top corner or find a streaking Hejduk or Stastny to tap the puck past whatever old man that Detroit plays. Expect Rafalski and Lidstrom, the latter being the best defenseman of the last 25 years, to appear on the ice whenever Forsberg's line is called. Sakic's line will attack the second and third Detroit defensive pairings, giving Niklas Kronwall and Brett Lebda a chance to identify themselves to the masses.

Detroit's superior offense will bombard Colorado. Theodore will hold as long as he is able, but will fold eventually. Red Wings in 6.

There used to be a great site that covered these called Our Civic Pride, but they haven't posted in about eight months. We particularly liked the one in which two governors wagered flying the opposing state's flag over their capital for a Little League game.

No. 3 Washington Capitals (43-31-8, 94 Points; Last made the playoffs with a guy named Cassidy behind the bench and a guy named Jagr on the ice) vs. No. 6 Philadelphia Flyers (42-29-11, 95 Points; Hindenburg-on-skates last season)

The young lass pictured here is Stormy, who was named "Philly's Hottest Flyers Fan" two years ago by rock station WMMR and hopefully has been treated well by both time and gravity since then. Besides some welcome eye-candy — even with the presence of the Flyers jersey —she's included here to help make a salient point: That there hasn't, to my knowledge, been a competition to find the sexiest Washington Capitals fan; Google "hottest Capitals fan," and one of the first hits is for a hot-dog eating contest, which is either completely contradictory or oddly ironic.

This isn't because the Capitals don't have attractive hockey fans (they do) or that D.C. doesn't have a decent rock station (it does). It's more indicative of the seditious attitude that's uniquely Philly, and carries over to the ice in the form of this year's Flyers: Characterized as a collection of thuggish barbarians since their flurry of suspensions to start the season and through Scott Hartnell's mission to take out Sidney Crosby last week. While the focus should be on Ovechkin's first journey into the postseason spotlight, it has shifted to what dastardly tactics the Flyers will use against him and his Capitals. NBC's Pierre McGuire expects the series to be "one of the bloodiest" and "downright ugly."

Looking back at the playoff history between the teams, there will be blood. But you don't have to dip all the way back to Scott Stevens and Jeff Chychrun to measure the animosity between these two franchises; hell, Ovechkin's first NHL fight was against Mike Richards of the Flyers.

So, for a moment, let's wallow in the fantasy of crimson ice and battered bodies; of amped up crowds filled with Redskins fans and Eagles fans; of a true Patrick Division war of attrition.

Until, that is, we wake up and realize that just like every other Flyers playoff year since Ron Hextall stopped playing like an all-star, it all comes down to the goat-in-waiting between the pipes in Philly.

Key Match-Up for Washington: The Irresistible Force vs. The Immovable Object. The first stroke of bad luck the Capitals have had, at least since Nick Backstrom decided to join the Penguins for a few seconds, occurred when the Flyers jumped over Ottawa into the six hole. Washington had owned the Senators this season, and was rather evenly matched with them. Philadelphia offers some match-up problems for the Capitals: A little more offensive depth, a little more grit up front, and that infamous ferocious streak. While I don't believe this will be the rabid wolf-vs.-helpless-bunny showdown some fans think it is (two words: Donald Brashear), the Capitals will have to answer the bell against players like Steve Downie and Riley Cote.

Key Match-Up for Philadelphia: The Damper vs. Momentum. The Capitals enter this series having played a playoff game every other night since, roughly, the middle of January. I think at some point they hit the wall, and that point could very well be in Game 4 with the Flyers up 2-1 on their home ice.

Worst Case Scenario for Washington: The zebras only call one out of every three penalties against Philadelphia, Richards and Briere outscore Ovechkin and Semin, and Bob Gainey turns out to be correct that Cristobal Huet isn't a playoff goalie.

Worst Case Scenario for Philadelphia: The Capitals kick the living shit out of the Flyers in the first two games in D.C. and Marty Biron, who has as many Stanley Cup Playoff stats as Miley Cyrus, joins the long, sad history of Flyers playoff goalie flops.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Flyers in six. All due respect to the Capitals, who've had a great season, but Biron's been in a zone lately and I'll take the Flyers' forwards against the Capitals' defense. As much as we'd all like to see an Ovie/Sidney conference final...

Vital YouTubeage: Before Donald Brashear started kicking ass for the Capitals, he used to kick their asses:

No. 3 Minnesota Wild (44-28-10, 98 Points; Like Vin Diesel, bit by a Duck last season) vs. No. 6 Colorado Avalanche (44-31-7, 95 Points; Uninvited to the Playoff Pants Party)

EA Sports has already simulated this year's Stanley Cup Playoffs, but looking at Colorado's roster brought me back to those Super Nintendo (Chalmers) days. The Avs have a collection of name-talent that the computer would never let you trade for on NHL '97, so you had to release players from one team and then sign them on your team in order to construct your puck juggernaut.

Of course, this series isn't a video game and, more to the point, this isn't 1997. The Avalanche are going to attempt to win this series and the Stanley Cup with a roster anchored by a potentially-retiring Joe Sakic (39 in July) and the Porcelain Puck Messiah himself, Peter Forsberg. It's one of the most oft-quotes stats on the NHL Closer, so once more with feeling: Colorado is nearly unstoppable with Forsberg in the lineup, having gone 8-1 in the games in which he's played. He creates a killer line with Paul Stastny and Milan Hejduk, and juices what is otherwise the worst power play in hockey. Unfortunately for Colorado, his health is about as reliable as using a chewed piece of Juicy Fruit to plug a hole on the space shuttle.

As a Devils fan, I feel for Wild fans. They're still suffering through the same bullshit comments about their style of play, with the "boring hockey" cracks and the Admiral Ackbar "IT'S A TRAP!" jokes. Truth is that the Wild play an exciting brand of transition offense, peppered with offensive standouts like Marian Gaborik (seen here in rubber duckie form), Pierre-Marc Bouchard, Pavol Demitra and Brian Rolston. But convincing someone the Wild don't trap when Jacques Lemaire is still their coach is like convincing someone "The View" doesn't make your brain melt out of your nose when Elizabeth Hasselbeck is still the co-host.

Key Match-Up for Minnesota: Defenseman vs. Offensemen. The Wild are missing two key defenders to start this series: Nick Schultz (appendectomy) and Kurtis Foster, who's out for the season with a broken leg. While team defense remains paramount and Minnesota still has a capable group, facing down Sakic and Forsberg with a third of your defense on the shelf ain't cool.

Key Match-Up for Colorado: Jose Theodore vs. Minny Keepers. The NHL's comeback player of the year — and its leading spokesperson on the dangers of Propecia — has been the constant throughout Colorado's injury-ravaged season. He needs to continue to be that calming influence and steal a game in this series. Meanwhile, Niklas Backstrom will need every once of cool he has behind that depleted blueline. The good news for him is that there's no overtime skills competition in the postseason, which is also good news for the bed he usually shits when it's time for the shootout.

Worst Case Scenario for Minnesota: Peter Forsberg plays in every game, and there's only four of them.

Worst Case Scenario for Colorado: The Wild unleash their inner Hanson by playing Derek Boogaard, Chris Simon and Todd Fedoruk, and Ian Laperriere ends up in the ICU after Game 1.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Avalanche in seven. Forsberg plays in five games, and Colorado wins four of them. And no, I'm not picking this just so we can see a Detroit/Colorado second-round smackdown. OK, maybe I am.

Vital YouTubeage: Yo, this kid is pumped up for the playoffs. And he's got the Web cam to prove it:

That's All For Weather, And Now Sports — Sometimes I wonder if some Calgarians go to Flames games on a purely subliminal thought process. "Oh my, it's cold out there. My gosh, 15 below Celsius. Oh hey look, the Flames are in town! That should be a good game. Let's go there." If that's the case, shame on Dallas for ruining their trip to the Flames game by winning 3-2 in overtime. After all, it's in the 50s in Texas. Hasn't Alberta suffered enough?

Fucht The Hecht — The phrase "home-and-home series?" Totally misleading. If, say, Buffalo is playing a home-and-home against the Philadelphia Flyers, for example, I'm imagining two straight games in Buffalo. If they played one in Buffalo and one in Philly, I'm thinking "home-and-away series." (Irregardless of nothing, earlier this morning I had a near miss involving my plastic glass, because I forgot to unthaw it.) The Sabres ruined the return of prodigal hockey players Martin Biron and Daniel Briere, winning 3-2 thanks to Jochen Hecht scoring the go-ahead goal with a few minutes left in the third. They play the Flyers again tonight to complete the home-and-away series.

Oil Can't — Said Devils captain John Madden of their 3-1 win over the Edmonton Oilers, "There is a real fine line between winning and losing." Indeed, and we call that a tie. Madden's empty netter wrapped up a rather close game throughout. Wrap ... oh, dammit, I didn't wrap my gifts yet. I don't have any wrapping paper. Maybe if I empty my bag of potato chips and turn it inside out... it'd be shiny. They wouldn't suspect a thing.

A 27-year-old man who was posing as a woman when he was arrested by Denver police during a prostitution sting has been charged with prostitution with knowledge of being infected with HIV or AIDS. Darren Garcia is being held in lieu of $50,000 bond on the felony charge.

According to a police probable-cause statement, officers were running a sting Thursday night because of community complaints when an undercover officer stopped at East Colfax Avenue and Josephine Street. Garcia climbed into the officer's car and offered to perform a sex act for $30, police said. Garcia had long hair and makeup and was wearing an Avalanche jersey, according to authorities.

We Blues fans cut such a better mugshot.

Male Prostitute Held In HIV Case [Rocky Mountain News]

Back when they were called the Quebec Nordiques, there were some mighty battles and bad blood between the team now called the Colorado Avalanche and the Detroit Red Wings. Have hostilities ceased? Well, no. Even though Colorado bad boy Patrick Roy has retired, there is still a lot of hate reserved for the Avalanche. Let's take a look.

3. Antilanche Page. Now that Patrick Roy is retired, who is there
left to hate?
2. Patrick Roy Ate My Balls Page. "No actual balls were harmed in the creation of this page."
1. Divealanche. Games, comix, player profiles and ... you guessed it, an interview with Patrick Roy.