To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

So here's this week's column that digs up the bloated corpse of rejected commenters to parade them around for the entertainment of the masses.

Part of my job is to page through the pending comments that folks who want to become commenters leave on this here website. It's a pain, but I do it because I love Deadspin and I love making people sad. Once again, I've taken some of the worst comments that I've rejected and culled them for your enjoyment, because I know how much you folks love to laugh at the pain of others. Pull up your office swivel chairs and join me in some schadenfreude!

Remember when our own associate editor and puppy enthusiast Rick Chandler questioned the veracity of MMA fighter Lloyd Irvin's claims that he fought off armed burglars with his bare hands? Pending commenter FidelityCacharpa wasn't pleased with Rick:

Rick Chambers, you're a giant coward, how about you call him and ask him yourself? Or better yet, come to the academy in person and ask him yourself, man to man. I use the term "man" loosely in regards to you, however.

Oh, my mistake. He wasn't attacking our Rick Chandler, he was going after someone named Rick Chambers. Now I feel bad for banning you, person who probably was a spam commenter anyway!

Sometimes, we here at Deadspin incur the wrath of Barbaro fans, mostly because former editor Will Leitch thrived on the blood of fallen horses and couldn't stop laughing at the pain of horse lovers. And who can blame him, those animal activists are lunatics. Even worse, however, are people who ingest a bucket of PCP before trying to post. Just take a peek at pending commenter Jennifromtheblock's contribution:

We want a Board...We want a forum...What better place than Deadspin. Sorry Barbaro, no pun intended. TTHHAATS OOOKKHHAAY>III JJJUUSSST WWAANT TTO RRREESST IIN PPPEEAACCE MMMYY LLEG IISSS KKKIILLLIINNG ME. Or, maybe it was just his "Friends" that made him want to give up the ghost...

Yikes. Next time, lay off the angel dust and then try again.

Hey, remember that post back in September about the soccer mom who was packing heat at her 5-year-old's game? Well pending commenter AngelaDufie was none too pleased with our coverage.

Amazing how childish the comments here are. Not to take away from the boorish game of slinging insuts but I thought the adults may appreciate some facts and pertinent commentary... 1) It is well established that "open carry" is legal in Pa. Supreme court has clarified that several times. Also the court records that show "open carry" is not grounds for revocation of a persons license. 2) The sheriff has ignored the law and is using the abusing the authority of his office to make a personal "statement" (his own admission in the article today) by inappropriately revoking her license.

Angela then prattles on about more legal mumbo jumbo and even cites local ordinance codes an...zzzzzzzz. Also, there's nothing "childish" about a good comedy pyramid about guns and Capri Sun. Folks, if you've got a political agenda, I hear www dot I have some boring things to say dot com is looking for commenters.

Finally, here's your quarterly dosage of Philadelphia hatred, in honor of our beloved World Champion Phillies, from the desk of rejected commenter EdandHerman:

Sorry Buddy. I hate to break the news to you. Everybody hates Philadelphia. Ben Franklin would rather shove his Electric Kite up his keyhole than sit through any Philly pro sports game.

Yep, these are my rejected commenters.

These commenters, however, were smart enough to avoid being rejected because they made the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: Excessive World Series Celebrations in Philadelphia

Doyle McPoyle: Not the bus shelter! Lenny Dykstra lives in there!

Re: Chris Berman's McCain/Obama MNF Interviews

jussstabitoutside: Both Berman and McCain went to the Gene Keady School of Combovers.

Re: The Rangers' Dead Hockey Player Problem

MattinglysSideburns: Dany Heatley checks in the mail everyday for that new best friend Gary Bettman promised to send him.

And of course, into every life a little tinkle must fall. Here's a couple of folks who pissed me off enough to have their commenting privileges seriously abated:

Say Goodbye To: ClintonPortishead

Why: Attempting to make a dirty Erin Andrews joke but coming up short when insinuating that folks would still be drinking pinot grigio wine from 2001. C'mon! Everyone knows you don't age white wine that long.

Temporarily Say Goodbye To: jmuskratt

Why: Being overly sensitive about race on a post that had nothing to do with race without making any hilarious jokes. Now serving a five-day suspension so he can read the post before commenting.

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column that further breaks down the changes in comments.

Okay, I must admit that I've been reading Deadspin posts using the 'Classic View' for the past two weeks and missing out on the newest change to the way comments are presented to you, the reader. The good folks at Gawker Tech have finally figured out a way to reward our best commenters and to hopefully make the threads a bit easier to digest. Let's explore the changes together.

First off, every comment you see will be collapsed unless it meets one of the four following criteria:

1. It was made recently.
2. It has been replied to.
3. It was made by one of your 'friends'.
4. It was made by a starred commenter.

Yes, all you struggling new commenters now have a new hurdle to overcome in your quest to become the next Weed Against Speed. After a short period of time, your comments will automatically be collapsed, not unlike Carson Palmer's elbow ligament.

If you enjoy the work of a certain commenter and want to always see his or her comments expanded, click that little heart by their name and you'll be Deadspin 'friends'. It's just like being Facebook friends except without all that pesky poking.

Of course, all of these changes will only take effect if you have 'threaded view' selected in the status bar between the post and the comments. If you go to 'classic view', you'll have all comments and replies expanded, albeit without the clever re-organization that the threaded view allows.

We've got a bunch of starred commenters here at Deadspin so you'll always see their witty comments expanded. In the past, folks earned stars by having a certain number of 'friends'. From this point forward, the only way you can earn a star is to be awarded one by me. Those of you who already have earned your stars by the old method will retain them for the near future. However, if you get banned from Deadspin and are allowed back in thanks to my utter graciousness and forgiving ways, your star is gone forever.

Speaking of getting banned, let's get rid of some of the ranks of the unfunny:

Say Goodbye To: Jubar

Why: Questioning the categorization of Deadspin posts.

Say Goodbye To: NoBackhands

Why: Making an "Eric Lindros is gay" joke that is far more offensive for its poor grammar and punctuation than the homophobia.

Say Goodbye To: Lunatic Fringe

Why: A cryptic joke that baffled me with its misspelling and hackish political leaning.

And where would we be without just one Comment of the Fortnight:

Re: Joba Chamberlain's strip club taunter

VanBurenBoy: Shouldn't Joba be used to guys from Boston kicking him off his land?

Hilarious AND historically accurate!

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column that explores the new commenting system here at Deadspin.

Seems as though the Gawker Tech folks change things up around here more frequently than I change my NFL allegiances. True, I was once a 49ers fan, moved over to the Giants after Tiki Barber was drafted, and then switched to the Eagles last year to make certain relationships in my life easier. No problem, I'm a devoted baseball fan anyway and this football thing is just a lark. Don't judge me. But for the HTML wizards at Gawker to go ahead and keep fiddling with our precious commenting system has proven to be a real turd in our comedy punchbowl.

After the most recent update, comments are now displayed in two forms: threaded view and classic view. Classic view is for those of you who prefer the post-October 2006 version that split each commenting page into 100 comment buckets. To the best of my knowledge, once you click "classic view" down there between the blog entry and the comments, Deadspin will stay "classic view" for the remainder of your browsing session.

Threaded view is the new way to read comment replies and it actually makes comedy pyramids easier to follow. Replies will now be nested underneath the original comment but are hidden; they can be revealed by clicking on the plus sign to the right of the replies. Or if you're the adventurous type, click "expand all" at the top of the comment section and prepare yourself for a waterfall of hilarity. In threaded view, only 20 comments are shown per page but that number doesn't include replies; any comment can contain an unlimited number of replies.

Other new features include the ability to sort comments by oldest first or newest first. If you're one of those people who prefer to read things backwards, or if you are just Dexter Manley, your time has come. You can also sort comments by most popular. That's a great way to find the most replied-to comments which, hopefully, are the best series of jokes but most likely conversations between Yostal and Jerkwheat on DU!AN.

Any problems with these changes? send me an email and I will choose to either address your issues or berate you. Take your chances, folks.

These folks took their chances and succeeded on the comedic level, as they made the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: O.J. Simpson's shocking acquittal

Paul Zuvella: Well, all those "2-0" t-shirts he had printed up can now go to the kids in Africa and Guatemala.

Re: Evander Holyfield getting back into the boxing ring

Gourmet Spud: The only competition Evander is fit for these days is a debating competition with Emmitt Smith.

Re: Rays fans getting bikini waxes for the team

Weed Against Speed: Speaking of which, how stupid do all of those Milwaukee Brewers fans feel now that got Prince Alberts in honor of Prince Fielder?

With the good comes the bad. Time for our bi-weekly executions. Put your sayonara hats on, folks.

Say Goodbye To: LogicalNegativist

Why: Disrespecting the concept of blockquotes. It's okay to miss Will but it's not okay to attack the entire concept of sportsblogging.

Say Goodbye To: Bill Pearly Gates

Why: Peculiar racism.

Say Goodbye To: Edsall is God

Why: A continuous history of trolling our website.

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

So here's this week's column that rehashes some of the most important combudsmanly rules.

It's been fifteen months since I wrote the sports blogosphere's premiere column railing against idle fantasy sports chatter, and yet people still email me every week asking me to issue a ban against such practices. In a perfect Deadspin commenting world, we wouldn't have to put up with fantasy football owners complaining that Peyton Manning didn't throw enough touchdown passes or wondering why Troy Brown wasn't getting them any receiving yards. But as long as lunatic legal hijinks like this going on, it isn't a perfect world. So don't be afraid to fight back against these offenders! Nobody cares about your fantasy team!

Actually, we get new commenters every day and maybe the time has come to revisit some of my most important combudsman columns. If you've read 'em before, consider this to be a sort of re-education. If you're new here, consider this to be gospel. Yes, I'm taking the sportsblogger's easy way out. I'm doing a listicle:

The Five Habits of Highly Rejected Commenters:

• Nobody Cares That You Can't See This Video: Welcome to the World Wide Web, folks. It has multimedia capabilities now and that includes embedded videos on Deadspin. Can't see videos behind your workplace's firewall? Wait until you get home to watch it instead of groaning about your inability to enjoy it.

• You Threadjackin' It?: For crying out loud, if you are going to threadjack a post with breaking news, make sure it hasn't already been broken. And don't have extended conversations about the 'jack.

• Wah Wah This Column Is Too Long: Yes, Big Daddy Drew writes 8,000-word screeds about masturbation. He gets paid to do exactly that, and people eat it up. Don't complain.

• No There Is No Love For Your Favorite Team: This one has fallen by the wayside as the various Closers have disappeared in A.J. Daulerio's Reign of Blogging. Still, I liked it.

• This Joke Was Funnier Five Minutes Ago: So simple to understand, yet so difficult in practice. Don't repeat jokes. Cripes almighty, be original.

There you have it. Follow these five rules and you'll help eliminate the poor unfunny comments from Deadspin and increase your chances of winning Comment of the Fortnight, like these clever folks:

Re: Syracuse's anachronistic Ernie Davis statue

Stev D: Also, he shouldn't be twittering from his iphone.

Re: Sadsack Patriots fans booing their team

SlantedAndDisenchanted: This is like when people turned on President Bush so soon after he won 9-11.

Re: Matt Millen getting shitcanned

RugDaniels: The hard part will be going home to tell Webster and Ma'am that he lost his job.

These folks, however, have seen their last days of commenting privileges wiped away with the eraser of execution:

Say Goodbye To: IBleedOrange

Why: General dickitude without any apparent basis in hilarity.

Say Goodbye To: Top Of A New Morning!

Why: Using the blink tag and claiming false copyright.

Say Goodbye To: Oragamo

Why: Making a "First!" comment and then regenerating to do it again and again and again. If I find out who you are, I will rip your heart out and eat it with a 2003 Barolo.

So here's this week's column that shows the power Deadspin commenters have to stop boring comments.

Rejoice, dear reader! Deadspin is officially a happier and funnier place to enjoy dick jokes about idiot sportscasters and ridiculous athletes. Two weeks ago, our best and brightest commenters got together and voted out (at my request) one of the most typically boring commenting memes (as chosen by user Phil Mickelsons Man Tits.) I'm pleased to announce that the following commenting crutch will no longer be permitted in the comments section of Deadspin posts:

Unit of Cultural Diffusion #1: "I know there's a joke in here about X and Y, but I just can't find it."

Why: This commenting meme is the calling card for the uncreative. There are obviously two steps to making a joke: recognizing the subject and figuring out the execution. If you're not going to take the time to figure out the execution, don't make the joke.

I scanned your 266 comments and tallied the votes using a very scientific method. About half of you wanted to see this meme disappear; I'm glad to say that any future use of this unfortunate statement will result in execution. The third meme up for a vote (something > something else > some other thing that sounds similar) also garnered a fair share of votes. It's not going to be explicitly forbidden as a meme, but remember that I don't like it and your fellow commenters don't like it.

After all, it's not fun for me to be the resident executioner around here. I'm not eliminating commenters to satisfy my own bloodthirst. No, I'm doing it because our readers and commenters alike want to read our comment section and see funny and original jokes! Consider me your benevolent tyrant who weeds out the miscreants for the benefit of the common good, if you must. Direct your vitriol at my name and continue to send your electronic missives my way. But remember: when you make a bad comment, you're making everyone sad, not just your friendly neighborhood Combudsman.

These commenters, however, made us happy with the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: Michael Jordan's cancer sticks

WanderingBear: Fuck off, American Cancer Society. Lou Gehrig is still responsible for more deaths than any other professional athlete, ever.

Re: Ryan Leaf wisely investing sponsorship earnings

BobStoopsPleatedPants: Are Nike and Pepsi paying Leaf to appear in ads for Reebok and Coke?

Re: The inevitable Trojan blowout over OSU

Weed Against Speed: An Inevitable Trojan Blowout is also how Matt Leinart became a daddy.

Re: Francisco Rodriguez' assault on the single season save record

Artie Fufkin: I think it's racist that people don't want Bobby Thigpen's record to be broken.

Just one commenter execution this week as we'll see longtime commenter and one-time Wake Forest football preview writer KazMatsuisAnalFissure hang up his commenting hat for some shameless and unfunny misogyny. Note: if you're going to be a sexist dick, at least make an effort to make a joke.

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

So here's this week's column that gives you, the commenter, a chance to fight back.

With one tidy, premeditated motion, one anonymous commenter said more about the state of Deadspin comments than I have in my entire reign of combudsman. When commenter Phil Mickelsons Man Tits posted his four theses to the door of Afternoon Blogdome, he set off a flurry of responses and caused me to rethink the way I've been selecting topics for my columns. Mr. Man Tits isolated four different memes that he feels are crutches used by weak and unfunny commenters. He feels that these memes indicate a total lack of originality and just clutter Deadspin with "a Mad-Libs version of commenting".

I agree with Mr. Man Tits; these four memes are worthless and I would like to extinguish them all. Still, I don't want to overwhelm the commenteriat with too many new rules when we're still having trouble with Rule Number One (Be funny and don't be unfunny). So thanks to enormous popular demand, I've decided to put the four memes up for a vote by you, the commenters. Please read through Phil Mickelsons Man Tits' Four Units of Cultural Diffusion and decide which one you would like to see eliminated forever. Post a comment to vote.

Unit of Cultural Diffusion #1: "I know there's a joke in here about X and Y, but I just can't find it."

Why: This commenting meme is the calling card for the uncreative. There are obviously two steps to making a joke: recognizing the subject and figuring out the execution. If you're not going to take the time to figure out the execution, don't make the joke.

Unit of Cultural Diffusion #2: Corny joke, or lame pun followed by "/Shows Self Out."

Why: It almost seems as though including the disclaimer "shows self out" precludes me from executing anyone who makes any horrible comment. No more. If you vote for this meme, I will start killing people off who ask for it.

Unit of Cultural Diffusion #3: "X>Y>Z." For example: In a post about the Olympic Hammer Throw, somebody will undoubtedly submit a comment like, "Hammer Time > Hammer Toes > Hammer Head Shark > Hammer Throw."

Why: This practice has become extremely tiresome. No, this isn't like building a comedy pyramid. Comedy pyramids require actual thought and joke-making, whereas this meme simply requires the commenter to think of words that sound alike. "Hey, these two things have the same word or words in their names! I'm a dumb yokel!" Absolutely worthless.

Unit of Cultural Diffusion #4: Use of the backslash to indicate a quote, and turning that citation into a verb.

Why: If you are going to allude to a movie or song or historical figure with a quote, don't pander to the readers by telling us who said it or what movie it came from. Deadspinners are smart enough to figure that shit out if they don't already know. Be confident with your joke even if you're not 100% sure that everyone is going to get it. Don't be afraid to take risks!

Please read Phil Mickelsons Man Tits' comment again because he does a far better job of describing these memes in greater detail. Pick the one that irritates you the most, and vote below in the commenting section.

These commenters, will never be voted off the island because they've made the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: Auburn's College Football preview

Arkansas Fred: "I prefer Rep'Bill Pascrell and SecyoftheTreasury'Henry Paulson to Sen'Derrick Marks."

Re: The Olympic gold medal soccer match

Chuck Knoblockhead: "The Nigerians played well, but in the end it looks like things fell apart."

Re: The Redeem Team's place in history

Artie Fufkin: "I think the Redeem Team could beat the Dream Team. Because the Dream is fucking old and has AIDs."

Of course, to even things out a bit, here are your bi-weekly executions:

Say Goodbye To: TheLastTemptationOf Weiss

Why: Sullying the good name of Michael Phelps with a "First" comment

Say Goodbye To: muggsybogues

Why: Questioning the necessity of posting 'marginal' Philadelphia news on a website written and edited by a Phillies fan. Really, if you're a Mets fan and you've got a problem with the occasional remaindered link in which AJ posts Philly news (in a self-deprecating manner, nonetheless), go start your own sports blog and fill it with marginal Mets news. You can call it "Metsplosion of Metiocrity".

Serving a three-day suspension: MattMillenFanClub

Why: Talking about fantasy hockey on my combudsman post. Yikes, what a misstep.

Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, about that odd little "disemvoweling" feature.

Ever since I've been empowered with the ability to execute commenters, I've noticed that this power is both a blessing and a curse. Yes, I can get rid of some of the unfunny individuals who seek to wreak havoc on Deadspin's best posts with their inane dullness and I can banish the hyper-offensive jerkoffs to the land of Supermikes, but what to do with your typical Deadspin commenter who makes a single misstep with a rude comment? We wouldn't want someone with an otherwise excellent commenting history to be banned right away because he or she made one idiotic comment, would we?

Luckily, I've been blessed with a new power, not unlike the time Rafael Palmeiro realized he could hit a baseball 25 feet further if he injected horse steroids into his trasero. It's called "disemvoweling" and it’s a gift from the good people at the Gawker Media Technical and Cosmetology Institute. By simply clicking a little button, I will be able to remove all of the vowels from any offending comment, rendering it nearly unreadable and slightly less distasteful. Look, I disemvoweled one of my own comments (for demonstrative purposes only…I never make distasteful comments).

So what should you do if one of your comments gets disemvoweled? Simple: get back on the funny train and don’t be a jackass anymore. I’ll disemvowel only the worst ill-mannered comments as a warning shot but I will ban the person who continues to offend our sensibilities after the first disemvoweling.

These commenters, however, piss excellence with their bon mots and have made the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: Vikings Punter Chris Kluwe’s Guitar Hero Skills

Doyle McPoyle: "That's nothing, you should see Kevin Everett on Dance Dance Revolution."

Re: The Olympic Rings Shaved Into Dirk Nowitzki’s Noggin

Angry Honky: "Everybody's got this all wrong. It isn't a haircut at all. For the past 7 years, Dirk has been used as a nightstand by the Spurs and they put their championship rings on his head when they go to bed. They've been doing it for so long that the rings have worn impressions in his scalp.And yes, I realize that means all the Spurs sleep in the same bed. That was Ginobili's idea."

Re: Sean Salisbury Taking a Back Seat to Emmitt Smith

ChilledoutEntertainer: Finally someone who can feel my pain. I've been workin the night shift for 3 years now at the Omaha NB Wendy's , and in comes Eric Crouch, and OF COURSE he gets the prime daytime shifts. its so unfair, and all because of his name.

And to satisfy your bloodthirst, here are your bi-weekly executions:

Say Goodbye To: superHookie

Why: Having the gall to post links to trite websites

Say Goodbye To: BallsStateExplorer

Why: Making a hack comment that expresses distaste at fantasy football on a post about fantasy football

Say Goodbye To: DaOtter

Why: Pointing out that the information Rick shared with us in a remaindered link had already been discussed three times by commenters earlier in the day. SORRY YOU DIDN’T GET PROPERLY CITED, DAOTTER.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on.

This week, he takes on the Hit By Pitch column, the subsequent comments, and chops off a few commenter heads for good measure.

Last week, Mr. Daulerio posted a remaindered link to a short essay attacking sexism by asshole sports fans. The piece was written by 'Tracy,' a female sportsblogger at Hit By a Pitch who is offended by the horridly sexist, nasty, and downright rude comments about Erin Andrews and other female public
figures on sports blogs. She actually singles out our own Deadspin and its notorious commenters:

That said, there's one place where the sports assholes come out in droves and it drives me batshit insane every freaking time I see it. It's a land where you'll see Asshole Stupidus in its natural environment, taking a gigantic dump on women and human decency. It's the land of the Deadspin commenters.

Well, I'm glad that Tracy recognizes us for our talents of being rude and outlandish. We're glad to be the only source of assholery that she ever encounters on a daily basis. It's good to know that NOWHERE else on the Internet or in real life does Tracy EVER encounter people being not-so-nice. Colorado must be a wonderful, halcyon garden of acceptance and wholesome living! I hope she recognizes my sarcasm because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

Tracy then fires off a list of selected comments that she finds offensive. There are a lot of them. Heck, they're pretty awful, both in their lack of couth AND their lack of humor. Yet nowhere in her screed does Tracy call us out for being unfunny. I don't think she understands the number one rule of Deadspin: be funny, don't be unfunny. A few of those offensive comments are terribly unfunny! Why didn't Tracy say anything about that? Deadspin is not a place to come discuss sports with lofty airs and great intellectual pursuits. It's a place to make dick jokes and build comedy pyramids!

Yes, comments unfortunately descend into offensiveness sometimes: sexism, racism, homophobia, what have you, but compared to other major sports blogs, they're fewer and far between. Deadspin is actually a polite place! It's just so huge that it becomes a target for people like Tracy, or Buzz Bissinger, or pantsless Michael Wilbon whenever they want to jump on a soapbox and disparage the 'current state of Internet assholery'.

Their focus is too narrow, though. They don't see it for the big picture. It's not about trying to not offend people like Tracy, it's about trying to be funny. Heck, Tracy totally misses a reference to the Broadway musical A Chorus Line when she includes this comment about the young Patriots cheerleader by the always funny Clare:

Dance 10, looks 3.

Tracy didn't get the reference. She's a chick who digs sports, not musicals. But that was one of the funny comments that wasn't even rude! Hey, I'm a guy who likes sports and musical theater but I try to not criticize comments when I don't get the joke. So Deadspin commenters, I give you this challenge: if you're going to be crude or uncouth in your comments about half-naked girls or guys, be clever and be funny and don't be afraid to quote A Chorus Line.

These commenters, of course, are never afraid to reveal what they did for love for they made the Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: Tim Tebow won't do Playboy

Artie Fufkin:

"Ironically, Chris Leak delivered my Playboy yesterday afternoon."

•Re: Leitch's thumbs down iPhone app review

Sh!tShow:

"Great article. Tune in next week, when Will plans on gracing us with, 'Why Is My Gold Wallet Too Small For My Hundreds?'or, 'Diamond Shoes: Do They Have To Be So Gosh Darn Tight?'"

•Re: Linda Cohn's poor trade deadline coverage

OutSports Reader:

"And seriously who is running the style department at ESPN? Linda hasn't worn a fashionable ladysuit since '96 and Amy K. Nelson looks like an Atlantic City sweat pants whore."

Shame, of course, that this week's Executed Commenters simply can't do that:

Say Goodbye To: Topofthemorning

Why: TOTM's habit of posting non-sequitur photos was funny for a while, until he posted this elegant homage to Charles Barkley.

Say Goodbye To: Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Why: Making the unfortunate mistake of being the 238th person to compare Unsilent Majority to Bill Simmons.

Hey, the first 237 are still alive!

Say Goodbye To: WadeCounty

Why: Being uncool enough to use the word "cool" in all caps.

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

So here's this week's column, on proper commenting relative to photos, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

Imagine Deadspin dot com to be a third world country in upheaval. Perhaps one of those tropical countries whose chief exports are narcotics and whose preferred mode of transportation is a burro. When a new ruling party takes over the country via coup d'etat, the poor, lower class citizens are anxious to see the first people to be kicked out of power, whether they are sent into exile or simply killed with a blunt axe. Today, we celebrate the Daulerio revolution by killing off some commenters with a blunt axe. So pardon me while I don my adorable black hood with cute little eye-holes cut out so I can see your necks and cute little ear-holes cut out so I can hear your screams.

No, I'm not killing off anyone for making a couple unfunny comments. If that were the case, Deadspin's comment sections would be populated by Suss, Gourmet Spud, and a tumbleweed. Rather, I am going to focus on the secondary rules that I have been preaching to you for months now. Nobody cares about your fantasy team, nobody cares that you can't see the video, nobody cares that you passed the bar exam and are meeting some friends for drinks and would anyone in the Cleveland area like to
join? So keep trying to be funny (as difficult as it may seem) but don't worry if you swing and miss on some jokes. Instead, mind the rules, friend, and just try a little harder next time.

For these folks, however, there is no next time:

Say Goodbye To: ChrisNH
Why: Nothing gives me the red ass more than when someone laughs at a joke and then explains it for those of us who areobviously too slow to pick up on a reference.

Say Goodbye To: BillyButleriscrushingmydreams

Why: Besides being a sadsack Royals fan who probably needed someone to put him out of his misery, he also bitched about the length of a column with the very first comment. Ugh.

Say Goodbye To: banana_phone

Why: Mr. (or Mrs!) Phone was way too late on something that was never very funny and then inquired as to whether he was too late on something that was never very
funny

Feedback? Questions? Want to bring back Comments of the Fortnight? Please write me a letter.

So here's this week's column, on proper commenting relative to photos, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

Let me get this right out in the open: new Deadspin editor A.J. Daulerio has granted me the ability to execute commenters, and I am going to take quick advantage of this ability. Mr. Daulerio does not hide behind a folksy, aw-shucks Midwestern sensibility. Rather, he has embraced the dark, cutthroat side of sportsblogging that permits the public humiliation of one's readers. The good news is that I'll be a little more lenient in letting in new commenters, so if you want an invite, send me an e-mail or go ahead and audition below to become a commenter.

Also, my sword will no longer be silent and I will broadcast the news to everyone once you have been killed off. Don't let the Gawker Media technical issues that bewilder us on a regular basis worry you too much; if you have trouble logging in, that doesn't necessarily mean your commenting privileges have been taken away. In fact, if you make duplicate comments about not being able to sign in because of some mythical hamster, I will not just ban you from commenting, I will track you down and slice your Achilles. If you have been banned, your personal page will show it like on the page of this recently executed
character.

On the other hand, the bad news is that my sword, not unlike the fabled Sword of Damocles, is hanging over each and every one of your heads. Yes, that means both superstar commenter Gourmet Spud and non-sequitur spewing UpstateUnderdog could both see their ability to share bon mots disappear at any moment. This won't necessarily put you out of commission permanently (I may have mercy on your soul if you are a good boy and repent) so consider it to be more of a detention.

Still, if you follow the rules and remember to be funny, you're not going to be executed any time soon. In fact, these commenters have received a week-long free pass since they made the Comments of the
Fortnight:

•Re: Baseball
announcer Joe Buck losing interest in baseball

Weed
Against Speed: I know how he feels. I barely do any accounting work and when I do, it's not as special as it used to be.

•Re: href="http://deadspin.com/5019915/a-love-letter-to-the-deadspinners">Leitch's
love letter to the Deadspinlets

ArkansasFred: The closest I've come to a Deadspin relationship is Stev D trying to drop GHB into my Budweiser.

•Re: Scott
Van Pelt's voicemail roast of Leitch

Suss—:
Craig Kilborn left a message on my cell phone, but I am already content with my long distance plan.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, the next installment of Rejected Commenter Theater, after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

It's the fourth edition of Deadspin commenters' favorite feature, Rejected Commenter Theater! Deadspin readers need to try out to become full-fledged commenters, and I'm the one who approves and rejects them. I'll take the worst audition comments from the past few weeks and put them together in a short column so we can all point and laugh at how horrid some people's senses of humor are. They're not as funny as me! I find that amusing! Here we go:

Last month, Rick posted a YouTube video and wrote about how Charles Barkley was going to stop gambling. First of all, Charles Barkley is full of shit. Secondly, pending commenter BROWNBANDITO felt the urge to pipe in about Sir Charles:

WELL SAID, WHO YOU LIKE TONIGHT? DAM ERNIE NICE SET UP THATS WHAT HOMIES ARE FOR. ANYWAYZ C'MON CHARLES YOU KNOW WE DONT BELIEVE YOU.....YOUR STILL EATING THEM DOUBLE CHEESE BURGERS, TALKEN BOUT IM GONNA LOOSE WEIGHT.MAN JUST BE YOURSELF GAMBLE,PIGOUT,PUNCH PEOPLE IN THEIR FACES.THATS CHARLES THAT MADE YOU CHARLES........THATS THE CHARLES I LOVE. WE DONT NEED NO EXPLAINATION.JUST TAKE CARE OF YOURS AND YOUR FAM ..........AY YAH YAI MI GORDITO TIME FOR ANOTHER CHALUPA

Well damn, looks like BROWNBANDITO was quite the prognosticator. He totally called Charles Barkley out well before his latest indiscretion. I'm sorry I banned you so quickly, you crazy caps-lock-usin' sonofabitch. Let that be a lesson, future commenters. Don't use ALL CAPS when typing out a comment. It makes you sound crazy, like Jose Offerman-level crazy.

A couple weeks ago, contributor Pete Croatto gave us a a smart investigation into Prince Fielder's vegetarianism. Mr. Croatto presented the issues using well-researched facts and shared some interesting ideas on the benefits of vegetarianism. Which, of course, prompted the animal-loving PETA freaks to come out of the closet and attempt to post wacky comments. Commenter PhatP shares his/her ideas as such:

Vegetarians and vegans live much longer healthier lives than do meat eaters according to every major study done. You do not need to eat dead animals to be strong, healthy or happy. I've been vegan for almost 20 years and I can attest to not needing to eat animal flesh or drink animal milk.

Look it up...Meat consumption is the number one cause of global warming, polluter of the worlds water supply, the cause of the worlds grain shortage (and not bio fuels,look it up)
and the cause of over 40 billion land animals a year being slaughtered for trivial reasons.

That's actually one of the least wacky comments posted on the topic, but still, I am offended that PhatP thinks the full rack of sauce-slathered St. Louis ribs I consumed for dinner tonight came from a porker that was 'slaughtered for trivial reasons.' I hope PhatP was not offended that he/she was rejected for entirely consequential reasons.

Another unfortunate topic that brings out the crazies is the upcoming Presidential election. Deadspin columnist Big Daddy Drew contributed a thoughtful piece regarding Barack Obama, Tiger Woods, and the late Tim Russert. Yes, I was surprised that Big Daddy Balls wrote a thoughtful Balls Deep column. No, I was not surprised that the mere mention of 'Barack Obama' brought out some nutty folks. Here's LeonardBunting:

Your right, Obama does represent a historical moment of change..its called socialism. Matthew Noll Indianapolis, IN Matthew.Noll@gmail.com

Well, LeonardBunting né Matthew Noll of Indianapolis, Indiana, if you're going to post a grammatically incorrect and wildly off-the-mark political comment, try not to sign it with your real name and email address. Folks, if you're going to contact Matthew, let's be on our best behaviors and use some discretion. Only serious emails, please. Commenter flygirlinmydreams takes the political message a little bit further and gets a little personal:

Will only younger voters accept a candidate's wife changing her image during the middle of a public campaign? We elders aren't that easy! She can look, act, speak as "darlingly" as possible, but I live by, "a leopard doesn't change her/his spots" because 99.99% of all times, it's been accurate. Convince me otherwise?

Fat chance we'll be able to convince you otherwise, flygirl. This is a humorous sports blog. We make dick jokes. Go back to TownHall.com.

Of course, not every rejected comment is of a political nature. Take WallaceCachifa's sole comment from last week:

Been reading Deadspin for about 4 months...what the hell does DUAN mean?

If you don't already know, you don't want to know. Forget it, Jake. It's ChinaDUAN.

These commenters, however, would never stick their noses somewhere they didn't belong because they earned Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: Bill Conlin's latest racially-insensitive comments
Arriaga_II: He was referring to Vineland's "World Famous Micks, Spicks & Zips Blueberry Harvest Festival" June 11-16.

•Re: The Nets' wacky free gas promotion
UkraineNotWeak: Most people in Brooklyn get free gas via the siphon hose.

•Re: The endorsements on Stefan Fatsis' new book
Will Leitch: Ha. Sorry. You might have heard, Buzz gets me flustered.

Thanks, Will, for the opportunity to write the combudsman columns and best wishes at New York magazine. I promise I won't ban you.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on some turnover that might be happening here in a few weeks, after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

As Deadspin has become more and more popular not just in the sports blogosphere but in the greater arena of pop culture, the website has attracted some great new talent to contribute smart and funny pieces. With the crowding of talented writers in the bullpen, some have been squeezed out and some have left for greener, safer pastures with ridiculously awful comments. We've also had more closers in the past few months than the 2008 Atlanta Braves. Heck, there have been more people writing about hockey alone on this website than the Ottawa Sun, Edmonton Sun, and Vancouver Sun combined.

But really, I've written about being funny in the comments of the closers' columns before. We're doing a good job with that! Yet we're about to face the biggest turnover in Deadspin history that has nothing to do with a Matt Leinart interception. Our devoted and steadfast editor Will is leaving his baby behind. I'm sure the commenters and readers of Deadspin shared my sentiment of panic: what the fuck is going to happen to Deadspin without its movie-quotin', Cardinal-lovin', aw-shucks-sayin' editor?

Short answer: I don't know. Long answer: I really don't know. Better answer: Let's not worry about it because we all know that the commenters' job is to make this place funnier. Herr Denton could bring on one of the Jezebel editrices to run this joint, and Deadspin would still be the best collection of sports hilarity on the Internet. One of the best qualities that Will brought to the table with his posts was the ability to make one great joke that set up the foundation to build a perfect comedy pyramid. We can still favor quality over quantity regardless of who is setting us up.

As your comment ombudsman, I implore the entire commenter community to continue to support Deadspin even after Will's time as editor is up. Who among us would deny him the chance to have a lasting legacy as the creator of the sports blog with the best commenters ever?

These commenters, however, only shone brightly for fourteen days and were merely just the Commenters of the Fortnight:

•Re: Mariah Carey's ceremonial first pitch
MurrayHewitt: I believe the worst first pitch of all time was thrown by Steve Trachsel. The second pitch, though much better, was thrown 45 minutes later.

•Re: The horrendous Mexican cycling accident photo
RachelRayIsTheDevil: Oh, for a moment I thought the picture was taken while Danica was adjusting her makeup on pit row.

•Re: Will's big farewell announcement
Christmas Ape: You must have blown them away with your reviews of The Office episodes!

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on changes to the famed Commentist Manifesto, after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

In case you think I'm the only one who has ever penned critical columns about commenting on Deadspin, I'd ask you to take an trip back to September 2006. Yes, it's been nearly two years since the tyrannical threesome of Unsilent Majority, Big Daddy Drew and Captain Caveman cobbled together some wacky ideas and formulated the Commentist Manifesto. They gave us the single most important rule of Deadspin, "Be funny and do not not be funny," but did you know they also gave us ten other rules?

Sure, we sometimes ignore one or two of them on a regular basis. Shame! But really, the commenting culture at Deadspin has changed significantly over the past two years. We've had more commenters and comments get posted more quickly. Sheer volume is quite difficult to deal with. This is why I propose that we make the Commentist Manifesto a living and breathing document. I realize that many of you have been around long enough to have these rules shoved down your throat, but let's make them more palatable and add or subtract to the list.

For example, rule number six states:

"6. Thou shalt not comment a million times in one thread (again, unless thou art Unsilent)."

Well yes, this is still cromulent. However, comment numbers have exploded since 2006, so I don't see any problem with making multiple funny comments on a single post. If you've got it, flaunt it. If you don't, shut the hell up. I've urged you time and time again to not namedrop Nibbles or repeat jokes, so maybe we should alter this rule to say something like "Thou shalt make extra comments only if you are not repeating jokes or cursing out the goddamn server (that isn't really a stupid hamster) for not posting your comment immediately so why are you saying stupid stuff like that, Ghosts of the 7-Up Country?" Or do you think we should avoid run-on sentences in the Manifesto? I don't know, I'm just the combudsman and I'd like to know what you commenters (and non-commenters!) think.

So consider the Commentist Manifesto to be just like the United States Constitution, except with dick jokes and without granting inalienable rights. It's a living, breathing document, so let's say we add to it a bit. Footsteps Falco would have wanted it that way. What suggestions do you folks have?

These commenters might give you some ideas because they made the Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: Kevin Millar's Orioles Magic
OchentaYcinco: I thought Orioles Magic was when Peter Angelos made 85% of Camden Yards' crowds disappear.

•Re: Some pretty Canadian lady
Andre Roussimoff: I'd deux deux deux her.

•Re: Pat Sajak Bobblehead Giveaway Night
Gourmet Spud: It was supposed to be Ray Combs Night, but the bobbleheads got hung up in production.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on whether or not comments are "cruel," after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—--

Hey, remember when Will closed out all that Buzz Bissinger business? Yeah, me neither, so I have no shame keeping the lines of discussion wide open on Buzz and his rantings; I want to specifically discuss how what he said pertains to the comments we make here at Deadspin. After all, the comments are what enables the community of readers to give feedback to the editors and to make hilarious jokes about dead horses and sexually aggressive sportscasters. But do we have to be so goddamned cruel?

Bissinger lists three main criticisms of sports blogs: cruelty, dishonesty, and speed. I want to focus on the most important of those three, so let's ignore dishonesty and speed. When we comment, we are making jokes so there is no expectation of honesty. Also, speed has always been vital in comedy. Just ask Chris Farley's amphetamine-riddled corpse.

This leaves cruelty. What is it about anonymous commenting that allows someone to feel so safe about making brutal and horrifically vicious jokes about athletes they've never met? Oh yeah, it's the anonymity. Hundreds upon hundreds of us are hiding behind fake commenter names, thus protecting our precious reputations from the same slander we so freely sling at public figures like Bissinger, or Bob Costas. We don't hesitate to use curse words that would make our mothers blush, or to reference sexual acts that would make even Big Daddy Balls blush.

But isn't our right, as spelled out in the Deadspin commenting FAQ, to be anonymous? Sure, but that gives us no right to be cruel without being funny. Yes, we're just commenters, we're not reporters, we're not journalists, and, despite all the spinoff blogs, while we are in the Deadspin commenting box, we're not even bloggers. We're mostly here to be funny, and if Buzz Bissinger thinks that humor and cruelty are separate concepts, I'd like for him to name one polite (and funny) comedian in the history of the world.

Still, being cruel without being funny is wrong. Unfortunately, Bissinger had a ton of ammunition by just taking a cursory glance at the comments here. Sometimes, we post mean-spirited and quite unfunny garbage. That violates one of the ONLY two rules of Deadspin: do not not be funny. Every time I read through the pending comments of people who are auditioning to become commenters, I am very quick to deny people who are slinging insults without using humor. Why should the existing commenters be allowed to pull that crap? We shouldn't. No, we don't regularly execute commenters around here. But maybe we should stop giving people like Bob Costas the impression that we are cruel and unfunny assholes! I really LIKE Bob Costas! I don't want him to think I'm a dickhead!

Here are my two challenges to Deadspin commenters:

1. Don't be cruel without also being funny.
2. Try being funny without being cruel for just one day.

These commenters, however, don't need to work blue to be funny and thusly earned themselves Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: The Clemens-McCready affair
Jerkwheat: Koby Clemens is sneaking off with Abigail Breslin on the weekends

•Re: Rick Ankiel's super-awesome center field throws
PenskeMaterial: There's a guy on my softball team who can fire a strike from the straightaway center field wall to the plate, every time. But like Ankiel, he does tons and tons of HGH.

•Re: Lenny Dykstra's magazine missteps
Gourmet Spud: Athletes already have their own magazines. The weapons don't load themselves.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on putting images in the comments, after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

The super awesome Gawker tech folks have been giving us commenters a couple new toys to fool around with over the past few months. First, they gave us the power to embed YouTube clips in our comments. I'm happy to say that the Deadspin commentariat has not abused this privilege! Congratulations, everyone, for not posting anything disturbing or entirely off-topic in the comment section.

The Gawker tech folks then decided to grant us the ability to embed images in comments. What could possibly go wrong? One of our crudest commenters (who actually collected a Commenter of the Fortnight award last week ... what was I thinking?) posted a huge and very nasty image in a comment last week. Don't go looking for it because it's since been purged from the Internets. I'm not 100% sure what it was but it looked very similar to the inside of Katie Couric's colon. Gross. This commenter has since been banned from Deadspin but his contribution lives on, etched into our collective retinas.

Folks, if you are going to post an image in your comment, please make it either (a) relevant or (b) hilarious. Unlike embedded YouTube videos, images require a ton of policing for inappropriateness. YouTube videos are about 99% safe for work; they usually don't contain pornography, obscenity or the Mike Schmidt crying clip (seriously, can anyone find video of this? Email me.) Images, however, can exist on any network location so there is no other source we can rely on to censor clips. Instead, we have to police ourselves and narc out anyone who posts pictures of gaping. Be my little Stasi: if you see something, say something.

These commenters, however, don't need to lean on the crutch of images because they made the Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: Timberwolves' Clever New Ticket Price Policy
Gourmet Spud: Not to be outdone, the Nuggets have announced they will base next year's prices on a multiple of Carmelo Anthony's blood-alcohol level.

•Re: The Pope's Visit to Nationals Park
Balls State Explorer: Another freakin' post about a former Cardinal.

•Re: The Padres-Rockies marathon 22-inning game
RachelRayIsTheDevil: Gargantuan next day peanut dump

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, the quarterly performance of Rejected Commenter Theater, after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—--

Every week, tens upon tens of Deadspin readers try out to become full-fledged commenters. If you are lucky enough to become one of the approved, you earn the ability to think up and post hilarious puns about topics such as the hapless Washington Nationals (when will they finally get some hap!?). If you are unlucky enough to miss the cut, you may still win notoriety by getting your audition posted in Rejected Commenter Theater!

Perhaps you remember the last installment of Rejected Commenter Theater in which our regulars were introduced to the now infamous phrase "O AN HE SEXY." If not, let me explain the concept in three simple steps: (1) I read your comments (2) I pick out the worst ones (3) I publicly shame the person who made them. Let's get ready to shame humanity!

Perhaps you recall the Dana Jacobson fiasco from the Mike and Mike roast way back in January. She was suspended from the ESPNs after making those awful remarks about Jesus and Notre Dame and the fat man who coaches them. We received a ton of pending comments attacking Jacobson for making those sacrilegious 'jokes'. Here, one of the angry Jesus folks named SWEATWOMAN gives us the business:

OH I GET IT>>>YOU CAN"T MAKE NAPPY HAIR COMMENTS AGAINST ANOTHER RACE>>THAT ONE WILL GET YOU FIRED>>BUT>>YOU CAN MAKE HATE COMMENTS AGAINST THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE>>AND YOU WILL JUST GET A WEEKS WORTH OF VACATION>>>I GET IT NOW>>>

Obviously, SWEATWOMAN was dictating her comment to a Western Union man who was to send the message via telegram. Those must be 'stops' between her thoughts. We also received exactly one commenter who was defending Dana and her drunken vodka-fueled tirade. Here's Rhino196669:

Get off thr girl's back! Who among us, has never made a Fool of themself, after drinking an ocean of booze? "He who is without Sin, let him cast the first stone"! Cut the girl a break! I'm sure she feels bad enough. Don't kick someone when they're down because, SOMEDAY, YOU may be the one down!

Heck, I should have approved Rhino196669. He has drowned in an ocean of booze and made a fool of himself, so he's obviously one of us. Sorry, bro!

Deadspin celebrated a very special anniversary in January, as it was exactly one year after that awful horse named Barbaro was finally put down. The worldwide web of internetworked computerators have always been a breeding ground for horse-lovers and Barbaro nuts, and Deadspin has not been immune to these crazies. Here's what skw530 spewed for our entertainment:

Obviously, Deadspin users think they are funny. If you call a group of people who have raised almost a million dollars for Laminitis research and horse rescue scary, what do you think of yourselves. Now, go back to posting negativity or photoshopping pictures to make fun of people who accomplish more than you will ever do in your boring little lives.

User rlhaines follows:

you people make me sick , thought of glue? waste of meat? DISGUS TING> what do you people do all day ? think up ways to upset us true animal lovers.?yes barbaro is gone but he waas a horse. a creature of the earth just li9ke you and me. give me and barbaro a break. if you dont like hiom,KEEP YOUR OPINIIONS TO YOURSELF. thank yo

First of all, yes, we DO think we are funny and except for certain comedy pyramids that topple under the weight of extreme punniness, we ARE funny. Secondly, we make fun of dead people all the time (cough cough Bison Dele cough) so I think a silly dead horse is far less offensive. Now go away.

Finally, after the Giants defeated the Patriots in Super Bowl XL-whatever, we got an overflow of audition comments from Giants haters and Patriots haters alike. Most were of the standard, hack "my team is better than your team" variety. We don't like that kind of attitude here. Deadspin is the place where everyone's team is better than your team, especially when one roots for the Arizona Cardinals. I like to channel my inner Woody Allen and use the more self-deprecating humor; this is easy now that I am an Eagles fan. Anyway, back to the Giants-Pats Super Bowl; pending commenter Deadmanringstwice took a different route and ignored the Pats and Giants:

Hey, my name's Jon Benet Rams. I like Budweiser, the St. Louis Rams (duh!) and jokes about murdered 6 year old girls. I'm a class act.

Odd that I didn't approve this guy. I normally love JonBenet Ramsey jokes.

These commenters, however, are mature enough to avoid child-murder humor and instead made the Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: The Ernie Banks statue proofreading error
futuremrsrickankiel: In fairness, Will, if you were engraving the statue, you would have forgotten to close one of the tags at the end and the whole freaking statue would have been a hyperlink to Fire Joe Morgan.

•Re: Andy Roddick's super hot girlfriend
Doyle McPoyle: And I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Brooklyn Decker sounds like one of those ridiculous sex moves, like the Cleveland Steamer, the Dutch Oven, the Boston Massacre, or the Kataroo Kangaroo.

•Re: The Pat Summitt congratulatory post
Doug Llewelyn, Court Reporter: Last time I slept with her I got Aqua Net on my cock.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, about this new "starring" system, after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

When I took algebra in eighth grade, my teacher had a system in place that ignored the normal 'homework is due every day' system. Instead, he gave us a list of assignments at the beginning of each quarter and told us that we could finish them all at our own pace. Sounds great, right? The only catch was that we'd be graded based on how quickly we finished the assignments in relation to the average student in the class. The current location of the average would be marked on an ordered list of assignments with a star. Basically, we had to either keep up with 'the star' or stay ahead of the 'the star' if we wanted to get an A. This was bullshit. I was a math genius but could not be bothered with actually doing work; therefore, I was getting near-perfect test scores but not getting A's because I was consistently behind the star. I was a victim of a bourgeois grading system and now, instead of researching nuclear physics, I'm writing columns about commenting on an outside-the-mainstream sports website.

'The star' has since made its presence known on Deadspin, and if you've seen any comments by the great commenter TheStarterWife lately, then you have seen 'the star'. Where did this all come from? Well, I have no idea, but I'm sure the rest of the Gawker Media websites are using the stars with fervor. I believe TSW has earned her star from Defamer.com, and for some reason, she is allowed to bring her star with her when she talks about the Steelers on Deadspin or talks about her obsession with folk metal viking bands on Idolator. These other sites are singling out their best commenters, and I don't blame them. After all, these other non-Deadspin websites don't have such a large percentage of commenters who consistently bring the funny.

Here at Deadspin, we are all stars. I've resisted using my power to grant our best commenters with stars because (a) we already know who they are and (b) there are too many to count. I prefer to take an egalitarian approach which gives equal value to every person who is allowed to add something funny onto the blog items that Will posts. Instead of starring commenters, I would rather feature the best comments, which I do every two weeks. After all, even our best commenters sometimes struggle to say something humorous. Have you seen Big Daddy Drew's latest oeuvre? Stinkaroo!

Yes, I did name the top commenters of 2007 a few months ago, but that was only because I forgot to collect the best comments over the previous two weeks and I thought it would be a good gag at the time. Little did I know that it would lead to that Ballhype guy tabulating the +1's. In retrospect, that's a very fair way of determining the best of the best because we can all contribute.

So I leave the choice up to you, Deadspinners. Shall I begin starring whomever I perceive to be our best commenters, or should we continue to let the comments speak for themselves? Or option three: should I just give Supermike a star so we know which comments to ignore?

These comments, however, should not be ignored because they are the Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: Vin Scully Approval Rating
Big Daddy Drew: This rating brought to you by delicious Armour hot dogs!

•Re: Brandon Marshall's McDonald's-related injury
Gourmet Spud: Ouch. That story made me Grimace.

•Re: Brandon Marshall's McDonald's-related injury
Stev D: The hot side stay hot, the cool side stays cool and HOLY GOD MY ARM! DIAL 911!

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, in which last week's comments by Bob Costas are discussed. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—--

There's been much uproar and hullabaloo in the sportsblogosphere about Bob Costas' anti-blogger screed in the Miami Herald. Costas is the latest in a line of several old media types who have come out against modern communication technology. Who among us could forget Bill Conlin's pompous and bloviating words against Internet bloggers, er, I mean pamphleteers. Way to stay relevant, Bill. Or who doesn't remember the time Schrutebag instigated a DOS attack on The Big Lead? Sure, anyone who prefers Lost over The Sopranos is a boob but that doesn't mean you're allowed to shut his blog down, Colin. There are two differences here, though: (1) Conlin and Cowherd are attacking bloggers, but Costas is attacking the anonymous commenter and (2) Costas is nearly correct.

Anonymous commenting on newspaper websites is the new Wild West, but instead of six-shooters, the commenters are armed with stupidity. And unfortunately, stupidity is contagious. Unless a forum is moderated, this stupidity is allowed to seep through wires and routers and reach a much larger audience than Steve Johannes Gutenberg intended when he invented movable type. Stupidity plus impassioned fandom will always produce an awful comment. But does any of this matter? Let's take a look. Costas specifically mentions Dan Le Batard's column as a launching point for stupidity:

(Now) that pathetic get-a-life loser can piggyback onto someone who actually has some level of professional accountability and they can be comment No. 17 on Dan Le Batard's column. That, in most cases, grants a forum to somebody who has no particular insight or responsibility.

I've gone and pulled the seventeenth comment from each of Le Batard's last four columns on the Miami Herald website:

Re: Sean Taylor - "Please re read the article a few times and then comment...At no point does E tard say that Taylor was from the hood. He infers that Taylor had bad people around him at certain times of his life and that its not always easy to cut those people off. Even if it is the best thing to do. Dan isn't Shakespear (sic), so I shouldn't have to provide cliffnotes..."

Huh? Costas is right: a forum has been granted to people with no insight or responsibility. But what Bob doesn't realize is that nobody is taking these comments seriously except the idiots who are commenting. Yes, I'm taking these out of context, but look, two of the columns couldn't even garner ten comments! Go ahead and click through to read all the comments on the columns; they won't make any sense in context either. This is not a forum upon which any reasonable person in the entire world is basing their opinions. Anonymous Internet commenting is not creating new personalities that people trust; responsible readers expect some sort of body of work before they will consider someone's opinion.

The one thing that most traditional media companies don't understand is that comment sections need moderation. Deadspin is somewhat moderated; you need to audition to become a full-fledged commenter. If Gawker Media had opened the floodgates when they first put commenting on Deadspin and their other blogs, we would never have been able to create comedy pyramids without a whole lot of noise. Getting a commenter account isn't impossible, but not just anyone can stumble on an blogpost here and immediately 'piggyback' on Will's "level of professional accountability." The Miami Herald is slowly figuring this out. Maybe someday every online news outlet will have moderated comments; until then, I'm happy to stay at Deadspin where we commenters provide responsible insight to important topics every single day.

These commenters, however, avoided Bob Costas' stink-eye with their Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: Cape Cod League's copyright dispute with MLB
Gourmet Spud: This reminds me of that famous case from the Negro Leagues, Major League Baseball v. Chicago Whites Suck Baseball Club.

•Re: Eliot Spitzer Night in Georgia
Suss—: Also, for one night, the team will change its name to the Macon Babies.

•Re: The aforementioned Costas freakout
Bob Loblaw: Why does mom's basement always get such a bad rap? Peter King writes his columns from the shitter.

]]> Mon, 17 Mar 2008 15:30:50 EDT Leitch http://deadspin.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=368604&view=rss&microfeed=true To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, we've commissioned Commenting Guru Rob Iracane to write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on the new YouTube-in-comments feature, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

Gawker Media pater familias Nick Denton recently had the Gawker Tech folks enable a video-embedding feature in our comment section, and then he blogged about it. It seems as if you can simply copy and paste a YouTube link directly into the comment box and the video clip will show up when your comment is published. What a brilliant application of technology! Videos embedded in comments! This certainly will not lead to absolute anarchy and irritate the combudsman or those readers who share the combudsman's sense of aesthetics!

Believe it or not, your faithful combuddy endorses this practice! There are many hilarious and/or poignant videos on the tubes that would be completely relevant to some of the posts on Deadspin. Sometimes, Will gives us a pertinent clip in the main section of his blogpost, but sometimes, it's up to us as the commenteriat to help him out with an appropriate (or occasionally inappropriate) video. Commenter CardinalRedOctober gives us a good example of proper usage in the Greg Gumbel Media Approval Ratings post, as he directs us to a clip of a sentimental Gumbel tearing up after the final NFC game broadcast by CBS. Gold star!

Still, I urge other commenters to take pause before embedding a YouTube clip in a comment: does this relate at all to the topic? If not, is it at least the funniest video in Deadspin history? If the answer is still no, then please, just make a standard dick joke.

I am glad, however, to let my column today serve as a sort of training ground and rehearsal space for both appropriate and inappropriate uses of this new commenting feature. Consider it a sacrifice. And for those of you who cannot see YouTube videos because of the filtering software at your place of business or education, I still don't care.

I do care deeply, however, for those commenters who provided us with the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: The Pro Bowl fan with a bag of Jello shots
ArkansasFred: Jello shot guy's colostomy bag full of mudslides is even more unsettling.

Re: Spielberg Pulling Out of Olympic Ceremonies
UkraineNotWeak: This is a rarity. A Jew turning down Chinese.

Re: The Disturbing Image of the Thrashers' Mascot
Camp Tiger Claw: This looks like that time I fucked Phyllis Diller.

]]> Mon, 18 Feb 2008 16:40:09 EST Leitch http://deadspin.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=357628&view=rss&microfeed=true To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, we've commissioned Commenting Guru Rob Iracane to write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, about how to appropriately comment on Closers, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

I had an Abraham Simpson moment recently. I sat down and started writing a letter to Will:

Dear Mr. Editor, There are too many closers nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.

Having three consecutive closers that early in the morning, I thought, led to a general malaise amongst commenters and didn't quite prepare us to be funny for the afternoon onslaught of crazy videos and wacky news stories. Yes, some of us like the NBA and some of us enjoy college basketball and the really insane among us want their own special place to comment about the NHL, but all too often, the discussions become rote "my team is better'n your team" arguments or ridiculous "no love for my favorite team" questions. Before I licked the envelope, however, I paused to think: What if all these closers actually provided us with a chance to be funny and we're just fucking it up?

How can I scientifically check to see if the closers are being funny? I needed to count the jokes, so I sat down and analyzed all three of the major closers (Hirshey and his footie closer got a pass; I couldn't figure out what was a joke and what was a shameless book plug) and found that the joke-per-sentence ratio actually equaled the joke-per-sentence ratio in almost every other Deadspin post over the past three months. They're setting us up with a chance to be funny!

Will only hires the best of the best bloggers to write the daily closers; we've seen a steady rotation of excellent writers telling us what happened last night in the NBA, NHL and college basketball. And soon, Associate Editor Rick will once again grace us with tiger attack references in his MLB closer.

So let's follow their lead and build some comedy pyramids. If the College Basketball Closer makes a joke comparing Eddie Sutton to Count Chocula, then let's hear some jokes comparing Tubby Smith to Boo Berry. We don't need to hear that your favorite cereal is Cinnamon Toast Crunch. That's just a dry, humorless statement unless you add the comedy milk. If the NBA Closer doesn't mention the Memphis-Toronto game, don't tell us the score and express your joy about the Raptors' win. Make up a funny Chris Bosh abuses children joke or something. If the NHL Closer goes past 1500 words ... well ... you're on your own with that one.

I tore up that letter to Will. Was it because I finally appreciated all the humor inside these closers? Maybe. Was it because I trust that our comments will be funny from here on out? Possibly. Was it because I ran out of stamps? Definitely. These folks, however, never run out of postage because their jokes got delivered as the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: Kool Aid sneakers
Suss—: If you ever get in a fistfight with the Kool-Aid man, the best hiding place is to jump inside him.

Re: Larry Johnson's expensive watch
Sh!tshow: "What time is LJ?" "It's Trade Me to a Contender O'Clock."

Re: Committing to