To be brief- we want you to be funny, we want you to be coherent and we want you to contribute to the post at hand.

For those of you who are new around here, and for those of you who just don't get it, in no particular order, here's what we are looking for in a comment:

* Good spelling and grammar (this includes coherence, capitalization and punctuation).
* Hilarity.
* Staying on topic. Ask yourself, is this threadjack worth it, or should I make a #hashtag page?

Hashtagging: Wave of the Future!

As stated earlier, staying on-topic in a thread is essential — but ZOMG!!1!! you can also take a topic to your own generated #hashtag page, then direct others there. Ex. The St. Louis Canucks have just traded Joe Pesci to the Florida Squirrels— instead of threadjackin' the Jamboroo, create a hashtag for #canuckstrade and in there, you may safely discuss this move. Additionally, Editors may sometimes caution that a thread has gone off-topic and should be moved to another forum.

Working for "#tips!"

The Gawker #tips pages have become quite a scene, man: #tips and it's high time we show those world-weary posers what #tips are all about. The #tips tag is the best way to share breaking news, leaked info, links of interest and timely video. Give us some substantive lines on why we should follow up, and your post may be promoted or featured on the blog. The #tips page is also an excellent space to audition as a first-time commenter with a juicy tidbit or to show off your investigative instincts. Self-promoters and spammers will be summarily banned, but quality contributors have the spotlight. Go to http://deadspin.com/tag/tips/ and let us know what's going on.

A Room of One's Own

Attention! In addition, there is now an informal commenter forum, [#duan], where the conversation is yours to guide. This is the place to add comments, liveblogs, pictures, video, and links that are relevant to your community. It's also easy to jump over here if you find yourself veering off-topic and want to take others with you.

Rules of Behavior

These go for everyone:

* Personal attacks, inappropriate behavior and off-topic rants in comments are subject to bans, disemvowelling and deletion.
* Commenters can be demoted for unruly or obscene posting.

Starred Commenters:

* Your privileges are not guaranteed. This is not Princeton, and you most certainly do not have tenure. Poor performance will get you demoted and de-starred.
* Be careful in the comments you approve and promote. Promoting a comment just to tell someone they suck is pointless, best to ignore them. Do it and you will be de-starred.

As always, we and the editors are always on the lookout for our best contributors, to promote and star for brilliant efforts. Do your best, be creative and we will see you on the Internet!

Hi. Haven't spoken to you guys in a while because I've been inexplicably land-locked out of Gawker's publishing system for most of the day, but I should be back and fully operational tomorrow. Ah, progress at Gawker media. It's awesome!. Or, sorry, #itsawesome!

And now, the Phillies are on and Ryan Howard is an unstoppable force. I might be posting throughout the evening to catch up on all the stuff I've neglected since bouncing around Las Vegas and dicking around with Melissa Lima. (Not a euphemism. Sadly.)

Anyway, talk soonish. Enjoy the games.

Thanks to Mike From NOLA for one of these photos. He would like the floor:

I'd just like everybody to know that New Orleans is ready for bachelor parties again. Come help us out!

Yeah, that.

You now have THREE (tres, trois, drei) ways to contribute to Deadspin and make yourself semi-internet famous:

a. Post tips and clips/photos/etc directly to the site — when you choose, not when we decide to post on a topic. See that box up there that says "Did you see that?" That's where you do this.

b. Create forums where you can chat. You can now create your own forums. So, say we didn't talk about the MNF game but you really, really want to discuss it, you can go right ahead and start talking about it by going up to that little box, typing in a hashtag #MNF and then start discussions. And you can create your own to discuss nonsense anytime you want: #rumors, #thisnewcommentingsystemsucks, #ruinationofdeadspin, #wheresmystar?, #ihateitalians, #RIPFrog., #picturesofstripperswithcokeontheirbelly. Etc. Be creative. Be bold. Be daring. Knock yourselves the fuck out, I'm told.

c. And of course you can still respond to a post or to another comment. In fact it's easier to keep track of those discussions: You'll now get an alert that your comment has been promoted, demoted, etc., making it much to track your successes and failures in the commenting arena.

And why is all this happening? This explanation comes straight from the disembodied head of Nick Denton:

The commenters — since we opened up our properties four years ago — have influenced our sites more than is acknowledged and sometimes more than is comfortable.

Their vocally expressed disdain has drummed out writers; their wit has preserved editorial personality even as our front pages have become more professional; they've steered the discussions, often way off-topic; but just as often they've suggested better headlines and story angles; former commenters such as Ryan Tate and Richard Lawson have written themselves into paid writing jobs; and reader-tipsters have supplied many of our best stories.

And yet we've always insisted that tips and letters to the editor are sent in by email and mediated by our editors; that discussions stay on topics that we determine; and that our writers are the only ones who can initiate stories on the site. No longer.

With the launch of Gawker Open Forums, we're allowing readers to post tips, sightings, game cheats, amateur pap shots and spy photos directly from a form on the front page. Readers can also initiate discussions on any topic they choose simply by including a Twitter-style hashtag in their post. And commenters can expand on a story, or rebut a post, just as now.

We have no idea what uses people will make of these forums. But we suspect that many of them will be mischievous. And that's fine — because we like mischief too.

Christ, he's terrifying.

Now, enjoy the day messing around with all of this stuff. I'm at the airport right now headed to Vegas for Blogs With Balls 2.0. If there are any problems (there will be) leave a comment and let us know. Make sure to write your complaints in ALL CAPS because we enjoy being yelled at.

You'll forgive me if I don't take my mask off. As you're aware, mine is a world of anonymity and intrigue. To reveal myself would be to reveal yourself and I don't think you're ready for that.

What's that? That didn't make any sense? I'm not wearing a mask? Sorry. I'm kind of new at this ninja stuff and it sounded like something I think I heard in a movie once.

Anyway, what can I do for you? Have you come to learn the way of the sword? To think without thinking? To be without being? To kill without killing? I think I have an extra shinobi shozoku lying around here somewhere. Do you see it? Is it next to those deadly ninja stars? What about under all those old Auto Traders? What are you, like a 40 regular? 42 small, maybe?

Oh. You came to learn about the Deadspin commenting system. No, that's fine. I mean I am trained in a dozen martial arts and can kill a much larger man with almost no effort, but that's fine. We can talk about comments.

What's that? You want me to demonstrate those techniques? Like right now? How about later? I got this thing I have to go in a few minutes and don't want to get all sweaty and you know how it is. Oh, it's some going away dinner for a friend of my girlfriend. I hate those things. It's always at some awful restaurant where you don't know anyone and they all try to ask you about your job and you end up silently slitting some guy's throat in the bathroom stall because he was asking too many questions. It's always the same.

Anyway, about the comments: Some of the other ninjas and I were sitting around, ruminating on the deadly simplicity of the orchid and definitely not pulling bingers and playing an old Nintendo 8 bit when we decided to bring back the Commenter Of The Week feature, but with an added ninja twist.

Only the unstarred are eligible to be awarded COTW. Once awarded COTW, the lucky victim winner can then select a charity to which Deadspin will donate what we're sure is an embarrassingly modest sum in their name. Sure the charity will probably laugh when they get a check for $6.00 but who cares? It's a charity. They are professional beggars.

As an added bonus, if you are selected as COTW enough times you will be awarded a star. And it's ok to be honest. We know that interests you more than helping your fellow man.

But starred commenters should also earn their keep. That's why a couple of times per day, we'll post a random photo of something tenuously related to sports and expect you, Starred Commenters, to show everyone what makes you so damn special. Yes, it's exactly like an Open Caption contest you see at many, many other sites, but you are supposed to be experts at rapid-fire witticisms, so I'm hopeful it'll be electrifying. Be creative. Be funny. Be poignant. Be childish. But if you fail at this task enough times, you will be de-starred. Fair is fair.

So if that's all, I'd like to get back to my tree. I know it looks boring but it's really, really therapeutic. Feels almost as good as banning someone for making a "yes, no, yes" joke.

Here's a little rundown, courtesy of Sir Denton, to get you acclimated:

THE KEY CHANGES

* Privileges for star commenters (see below)
* Image and video embedding in comments
* Comment threads switched (like Facebook and Twitter) to reverse chronological order
* Related stories show to the right of each post (and a few other design changes)
* Comments can now be edited (for 15 minutes after publishing)

RIGHTS OF A STAR COMMENTER

* A gold star next to each commenter's name (as now)
* Comments given priority and published immediately after post
* A star commenter can see comments even before a moderator has approved them
* By replying to any comment, a star commenter can give it priority
* Promotion of another's comments to the featured section

"THE FUTURE"

* Many more items such as interviews, live chats, live blogs, contests and photo pools
* Web submission and publishing of tips
* Discussion forums around personalities and topics
* Commenting via Twitter
* Rebuttal rights for the subject of an article
* Commenters able to call on friends or colleagues for support in an online discussion

Confused? For further explanation, consult Mr. Hutchins' superb in-depth rundown which was posted before the holiday. The Comment Ninja Squadron has pulled together their own manifesto-like post outlining their vision and purpose. That will be published Monday.

For now, the best thing to do is play around and see how it'll all work out. I'll be down in a minute and you can crap all over me if you so choose. It'll be fun. Let me smoke first.

Thank you in advance for your patience. Onward.

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

This Insult Was Self Inflicted

So there is a story that goes with this photo. I was in Lawrence for my girlfriend's birthday in April (I'm keenly aware it's nearly June but just finally got the picture from her). We went to dinner and then to a new piano bar in Lawrence, the Barrell Roll or something. We went to this bar because A) it was new, and B) all people believe they will have some new sort of experience "this time" at a piano which inevitably does not happen. Anyway we're in there maybe an hour before Bill Self saunters in ostensibly alone. Of course I have to walk over and say hello. So here is a basic breakdown of how this goes down.

I see Bill Self and tell my girlfriend to get the camera ready so I can get a picture with him.

I walk over and say hello and tell him nice season. He is cordial enough and even shakes my and my girlfriends hand and says hello.

She sort of backs off to take the picture.

Me: "how about a picture Bill?" (we at this point are at a first name basis)

Bill Self: "No pictures at the bar." (declarative statement also given with a quick glance around as if he's being ambushed)

I push the issue, "come on a quick one?" (as if he was unaware of how long it takes to snap a picture)

Bill: "Sorry buddy." and he then turns his back on me.

I motion to the girlfriend to snap it anway even if its just me and a profile of the coach.

He catches the red eye flash and turns right into it as if he thought we were joking around and is caught. He manages to smile as well, quick on his feet that Self. He then realizes he's been photographed at a bar on Mass St. (technically on the back side) and is pissed. He shakes my hand again and brings me in close (so I can hear him over the dueling pianos) to say, "you know you're a real asshole." I quickly retort, "well I'm a Mizzou fan, so I don't really give a shit." Bill fires back one final dig, "you would be."

With that I realize I've revealed myself a Mizzou fan to the High Priest behind enemy lines, and am a tad worried Cole Aldrich will surface, like a ridiculously tall ninja, choke slam me and erase the picture. I instead merely return to the group, which was predominately females that attend KU, so the greatness of this moment was completely lost on them.

But there you have it. While Bill was not pulling a Eustachy (or I foiled his plans) he dislikes being photographed at bars and will call you an asshole if you do so, he clearly hates Mizzou fans, and isn't nearly as affable as say Baby Mangino.

Go Cards

"The Silver Sack" Is Actually A Great Nickname For Him

This picture is of the back end of darius miles sick escalade. Hanging from the trailer hitch is this silver sack.

Enjoy and please don't use my name.

Sir, Your Babel Fish Skills Are Other Worldly And Strange

Señor Daulerio,

Muy buenos días; yo soy un lector japonés de tu buenísima 'weblog' deadspin punto com. Me gusta que utilices varias cosas de youtube (si EMI tiene su derecho, su nuevo nombre sería jewtube). Te escribo para preguntar si te gusta el grupo 10cc; su nombre viene del volumen de esperma tipíco que ejacula un hombre normal.

Have a nice day.

-al

No Need For Babel Fish Here!

It'd Be More Plausible If It Were Band Of Horses

Did anyone else catch Will all pleathered up singing back up for Green Day on the Tonight Show Tuesday night?

Screen shots attached.

Do YOU know your enemy??

Sometimes You Have To Call Upon A Higher Comment Complaint Box (With Footnotes)

Sir:

I've been a reader of Gawker and its sister sites for some time. For
the last year or so, I've had commenter privileges which I've used on
a number of sites, though my main read has been Deadspin. Normally I
wouldn't write about an editorial position — it is the editor's
privilege, after all — but the events of the last few days have
prompted me to do so.

As you may be aware, A.J. Daulerio posted a piece on Sunday night
stating that major changes to Deadspin's commenting system were about
to take place and that the readers could expect many commenters to
lose their privileges starting almost immediately[1]. No further
explanation was offered — no reasons as to why this would happen, no
explanation of new commenting rules, nothing — though Daulerio did
claim that it was out of his hands, suggesting that the decision had
come from higher up in Gawker Media. On Monday, all heck broke loose
as many of the most respected (and, dare I say, funniest) commenters
were summarily dispatched. Daulerio did post an article[2] to the
effect that everybody should stop whining about it and consider
themselves lucky to have a site to read, but that was about it. As a
result, most of the banned commenters headed off to a different site,
one started by a bunch of people who met as Deadspin commenters, for
the evening. Many of them haven't come back and, if the comments on
other sites are any indication, won't.

I don't think anyone would argue that the comments section was due for
a clean-up — there were far too many off-topic and unfunny posts, far
too many cheap jokes, and far too much repetition. Daulerio, in an
interview on another site Tuesday[3], admitted that his decision to
direct successive comments ombuds to lighten up the standards for new
commenters was a mistake, and the decision to adopt Facebook Connect,
while understandable from a business standpoint, exacerbated the
problem. That all could have been fixed without playing games with
your readers. As you know, they're not idiots. By and large, they're
adults and rather well-educated. A message explaining why the
comments section needed to improve, and what standards would be
enforced to see that it did improve, might have been met with some
grumbling, but the vast majority of the regular commenters would have
complied. Heck, another blogger did a great job of analyzing possible
reasons for the crackdown based on the available information[4], any
of which would have been accepted by Deadspin's readers and
commenters. Unfortunately, Daulerio chose not to offer any
explanation. He left everyone in the dark while hiding behind Gawker
management — and then, in that same interview on Tuesday, admitted
that the decision had, in fact, been his alone (despite having
implicated Gawker management in his initial announcement) and was
based on the offer of a small group of commenters to form a de facto
lynch mob (what Daulerio calls his "comment ninjas") to clean up the
site as they saw fit. In short, he put his own ego, and that of a few
commenters upset that they weren't getting as much attention as they'd
like, ahead of any sound business decisions. In the process, he
managed to alienate some of your most loyal readers and many of the
few people who actually added value to the site with their comments.

I think everyone is aware of Deadspin's performance relative to the
other Gawker sites. Ultimately it's your site to do with as you see
fit, but I can't see the value in policies designed to drive away your
most loyal readers. Sadly, that's exactly what Daulerio and his team
of anonymous "ninjas" have done.

Sincerely,

Colin Morton,
Vancouver, BC

[1]http://deadspin.com/5273554/a-brief-shady-announcement-about-your-commenting-privileges
[2]http://deadspin.com/5273985/your-profanity+laced-tirades-will-now-be-taken-under-advisement
[3]http://sportingmadness.blogspot.com/2009/06/on-ground-deadspins-aj-daulerio-speaks.html
[4]http://sportingmadness.blogspot.com/2009/06/nick-denton-deadspin-and-commenter.html

I understand some of you are upset over this but I assure you that it's not going to be as life-altering or site-ending as some of you are making it out to be. This is being put in place because some of you — not all of you — kind of abused the privilege.

To put some hard-line rules on this would be, in my opinion, a little counter-productive and not at all helpful at this point when we're figuring this stuff out. So if you get banned and you have no idea why, or absolutely 100% feel this is a completely wrong-headed oversight on the part of the commenting committee, then please refer to the Comment Complaint line outlined above.

This is not being done to deter negative comments about the site, the writers, or anything of that nature — you're all entitled to your opinions and many of you (okay — FOUR) have already emailed those along to me. Thanks.

I know some of you don't see it that way right now, but this is all being done for the betterment of the site in the long run. Just hang in.

Oh, one more thing: Yes, there will still be a DUAN!

And, honestly, who doesn't love the "Hurdy Gurdy Man?" That song's the best.

With a new bouncer working the door here, now would be a good time to review the guidelines for commenting on Deadspin. As the site has changed, so have the commenters, by which I mean, there are a metric fuckton more of them now than there used to be, and not all of them are funny. And that's OK. Not everyone can be the next Big Daddy Balls, nor should everyone try. So, with those things in mind, here are the revised guidelines for Deadspin commenting:

1) Be funny.
2) At least be interesting.
3) Don't be not funny and not interesting.
4) Don't be a dick, unless you're being funny and/or interesting. This is especially true regarding any features or columns you find uninteresting. Sexism isn't funny unless it's being handled by the pros.
5) All other rules and prohibitions remain in effect until further notice.

With that unpleasantness out of the way, I'd also like to introduce the Deadspin Customer Service hotline. I am here to make your Deadspin-reading experience as painless as possible. Comments not showing up? Send me an email. Wondering why your account wasn't approved? Send me an email. Question about a site redesign? Send me an email. Need a good recipe for homemade beef jerky marinade? Send me an email. In other words, I'm here to help with any Deadspin or jerky-related questions you may have - until my job is outsourced to Bangalore, anyway. I can't guarantee my answer will make you happy or even be remotely correct, but I can guarantee you an answer.

Thank you for choosing Deadspin and have a great day.

(Editor's note: This is not the big change that I referenced on Friday that some of you — okay Artie Fufkin and 44 in a Row — picked up on. No, you'll know when that happens. Then you can yell at Pete. I'm told that whole thing has been "delayed.")

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, the next installment of Rejected Commenter Theater, after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

It's the fourth edition of Deadspin commenters' favorite feature, Rejected Commenter Theater! Deadspin readers need to try out to become full-fledged commenters, and I'm the one who approves and rejects them. I'll take the worst audition comments from the past few weeks and put them together in a short column so we can all point and laugh at how horrid some people's senses of humor are. They're not as funny as me! I find that amusing! Here we go:

Last month, Rick posted a YouTube video and wrote about how Charles Barkley was going to stop gambling. First of all, Charles Barkley is full of shit. Secondly, pending commenter BROWNBANDITO felt the urge to pipe in about Sir Charles:

WELL SAID, WHO YOU LIKE TONIGHT? DAM ERNIE NICE SET UP THATS WHAT HOMIES ARE FOR. ANYWAYZ C'MON CHARLES YOU KNOW WE DONT BELIEVE YOU.....YOUR STILL EATING THEM DOUBLE CHEESE BURGERS, TALKEN BOUT IM GONNA LOOSE WEIGHT.MAN JUST BE YOURSELF GAMBLE,PIGOUT,PUNCH PEOPLE IN THEIR FACES.THATS CHARLES THAT MADE YOU CHARLES........THATS THE CHARLES I LOVE. WE DONT NEED NO EXPLAINATION.JUST TAKE CARE OF YOURS AND YOUR FAM ..........AY YAH YAI MI GORDITO TIME FOR ANOTHER CHALUPA

Well damn, looks like BROWNBANDITO was quite the prognosticator. He totally called Charles Barkley out well before his latest indiscretion. I'm sorry I banned you so quickly, you crazy caps-lock-usin' sonofabitch. Let that be a lesson, future commenters. Don't use ALL CAPS when typing out a comment. It makes you sound crazy, like Jose Offerman-level crazy.

A couple weeks ago, contributor Pete Croatto gave us a a smart investigation into Prince Fielder's vegetarianism. Mr. Croatto presented the issues using well-researched facts and shared some interesting ideas on the benefits of vegetarianism. Which, of course, prompted the animal-loving PETA freaks to come out of the closet and attempt to post wacky comments. Commenter PhatP shares his/her ideas as such:

Vegetarians and vegans live much longer healthier lives than do meat eaters according to every major study done. You do not need to eat dead animals to be strong, healthy or happy. I've been vegan for almost 20 years and I can attest to not needing to eat animal flesh or drink animal milk.

Look it up...Meat consumption is the number one cause of global warming, polluter of the worlds water supply, the cause of the worlds grain shortage (and not bio fuels,look it up)
and the cause of over 40 billion land animals a year being slaughtered for trivial reasons.

That's actually one of the least wacky comments posted on the topic, but still, I am offended that PhatP thinks the full rack of sauce-slathered St. Louis ribs I consumed for dinner tonight came from a porker that was 'slaughtered for trivial reasons.' I hope PhatP was not offended that he/she was rejected for entirely consequential reasons.

Another unfortunate topic that brings out the crazies is the upcoming Presidential election. Deadspin columnist Big Daddy Drew contributed a thoughtful piece regarding Barack Obama, Tiger Woods, and the late Tim Russert. Yes, I was surprised that Big Daddy Balls wrote a thoughtful Balls Deep column. No, I was not surprised that the mere mention of 'Barack Obama' brought out some nutty folks. Here's LeonardBunting:

Your right, Obama does represent a historical moment of change..its called socialism. Matthew Noll Indianapolis, IN Matthew.Noll@gmail.com

Well, LeonardBunting né Matthew Noll of Indianapolis, Indiana, if you're going to post a grammatically incorrect and wildly off-the-mark political comment, try not to sign it with your real name and email address. Folks, if you're going to contact Matthew, let's be on our best behaviors and use some discretion. Only serious emails, please. Commenter flygirlinmydreams takes the political message a little bit further and gets a little personal:

Will only younger voters accept a candidate's wife changing her image during the middle of a public campaign? We elders aren't that easy! She can look, act, speak as "darlingly" as possible, but I live by, "a leopard doesn't change her/his spots" because 99.99% of all times, it's been accurate. Convince me otherwise?

Fat chance we'll be able to convince you otherwise, flygirl. This is a humorous sports blog. We make dick jokes. Go back to TownHall.com.

Of course, not every rejected comment is of a political nature. Take WallaceCachifa's sole comment from last week:

Been reading Deadspin for about 4 months...what the hell does DUAN mean?

If you don't already know, you don't want to know. Forget it, Jake. It's ChinaDUAN.

These commenters, however, would never stick their noses somewhere they didn't belong because they earned Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: Bill Conlin's latest racially-insensitive comments
Arriaga_II: He was referring to Vineland's "World Famous Micks, Spicks & Zips Blueberry Harvest Festival" June 11-16.

•Re: The Nets' wacky free gas promotion
UkraineNotWeak: Most people in Brooklyn get free gas via the siphon hose.

•Re: The endorsements on Stefan Fatsis' new book
Will Leitch: Ha. Sorry. You might have heard, Buzz gets me flustered.

Thanks, Will, for the opportunity to write the combudsman columns and best wishes at New York magazine. I promise I won't ban you.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on some turnover that might be happening here in a few weeks, after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

As Deadspin has become more and more popular not just in the sports blogosphere but in the greater arena of pop culture, the website has attracted some great new talent to contribute smart and funny pieces. With the crowding of talented writers in the bullpen, some have been squeezed out and some have left for greener, safer pastures with ridiculously awful comments. We've also had more closers in the past few months than the 2008 Atlanta Braves. Heck, there have been more people writing about hockey alone on this website than the Ottawa Sun, Edmonton Sun, and Vancouver Sun combined.

But really, I've written about being funny in the comments of the closers' columns before. We're doing a good job with that! Yet we're about to face the biggest turnover in Deadspin history that has nothing to do with a Matt Leinart interception. Our devoted and steadfast editor Will is leaving his baby behind. I'm sure the commenters and readers of Deadspin shared my sentiment of panic: what the fuck is going to happen to Deadspin without its movie-quotin', Cardinal-lovin', aw-shucks-sayin' editor?

Short answer: I don't know. Long answer: I really don't know. Better answer: Let's not worry about it because we all know that the commenters' job is to make this place funnier. Herr Denton could bring on one of the Jezebel editrices to run this joint, and Deadspin would still be the best collection of sports hilarity on the Internet. One of the best qualities that Will brought to the table with his posts was the ability to make one great joke that set up the foundation to build a perfect comedy pyramid. We can still favor quality over quantity regardless of who is setting us up.

As your comment ombudsman, I implore the entire commenter community to continue to support Deadspin even after Will's time as editor is up. Who among us would deny him the chance to have a lasting legacy as the creator of the sports blog with the best commenters ever?

These commenters, however, only shone brightly for fourteen days and were merely just the Commenters of the Fortnight:

•Re: Mariah Carey's ceremonial first pitch
MurrayHewitt: I believe the worst first pitch of all time was thrown by Steve Trachsel. The second pitch, though much better, was thrown 45 minutes later.

•Re: The horrendous Mexican cycling accident photo
RachelRayIsTheDevil: Oh, for a moment I thought the picture was taken while Danica was adjusting her makeup on pit row.

•Re: Will's big farewell announcement
Christmas Ape: You must have blown them away with your reviews of The Office episodes!

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on changes to the famed Commentist Manifesto, after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

In case you think I'm the only one who has ever penned critical columns about commenting on Deadspin, I'd ask you to take an trip back to September 2006. Yes, it's been nearly two years since the tyrannical threesome of Unsilent Majority, Big Daddy Drew and Captain Caveman cobbled together some wacky ideas and formulated the Commentist Manifesto. They gave us the single most important rule of Deadspin, "Be funny and do not not be funny," but did you know they also gave us ten other rules?

Sure, we sometimes ignore one or two of them on a regular basis. Shame! But really, the commenting culture at Deadspin has changed significantly over the past two years. We've had more commenters and comments get posted more quickly. Sheer volume is quite difficult to deal with. This is why I propose that we make the Commentist Manifesto a living and breathing document. I realize that many of you have been around long enough to have these rules shoved down your throat, but let's make them more palatable and add or subtract to the list.

For example, rule number six states:

"6. Thou shalt not comment a million times in one thread (again, unless thou art Unsilent)."

Well yes, this is still cromulent. However, comment numbers have exploded since 2006, so I don't see any problem with making multiple funny comments on a single post. If you've got it, flaunt it. If you don't, shut the hell up. I've urged you time and time again to not namedrop Nibbles or repeat jokes, so maybe we should alter this rule to say something like "Thou shalt make extra comments only if you are not repeating jokes or cursing out the goddamn server (that isn't really a stupid hamster) for not posting your comment immediately so why are you saying stupid stuff like that, Ghosts of the 7-Up Country?" Or do you think we should avoid run-on sentences in the Manifesto? I don't know, I'm just the combudsman and I'd like to know what you commenters (and non-commenters!) think.

So consider the Commentist Manifesto to be just like the United States Constitution, except with dick jokes and without granting inalienable rights. It's a living, breathing document, so let's say we add to it a bit. Footsteps Falco would have wanted it that way. What suggestions do you folks have?

These commenters might give you some ideas because they made the Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: Kevin Millar's Orioles Magic
OchentaYcinco: I thought Orioles Magic was when Peter Angelos made 85% of Camden Yards' crowds disappear.

•Re: Some pretty Canadian lady
Andre Roussimoff: I'd deux deux deux her.

•Re: Pat Sajak Bobblehead Giveaway Night
Gourmet Spud: It was supposed to be Ray Combs Night, but the bobbleheads got hung up in production.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on whether or not comments are "cruel," after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

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Hey, remember when Will closed out all that Buzz Bissinger business? Yeah, me neither, so I have no shame keeping the lines of discussion wide open on Buzz and his rantings; I want to specifically discuss how what he said pertains to the comments we make here at Deadspin. After all, the comments are what enables the community of readers to give feedback to the editors and to make hilarious jokes about dead horses and sexually aggressive sportscasters. But do we have to be so goddamned cruel?

Bissinger lists three main criticisms of sports blogs: cruelty, dishonesty, and speed. I want to focus on the most important of those three, so let's ignore dishonesty and speed. When we comment, we are making jokes so there is no expectation of honesty. Also, speed has always been vital in comedy. Just ask Chris Farley's amphetamine-riddled corpse.

This leaves cruelty. What is it about anonymous commenting that allows someone to feel so safe about making brutal and horrifically vicious jokes about athletes they've never met? Oh yeah, it's the anonymity. Hundreds upon hundreds of us are hiding behind fake commenter names, thus protecting our precious reputations from the same slander we so freely sling at public figures like Bissinger, or Bob Costas. We don't hesitate to use curse words that would make our mothers blush, or to reference sexual acts that would make even Big Daddy Balls blush.

But isn't our right, as spelled out in the Deadspin commenting FAQ, to be anonymous? Sure, but that gives us no right to be cruel without being funny. Yes, we're just commenters, we're not reporters, we're not journalists, and, despite all the spinoff blogs, while we are in the Deadspin commenting box, we're not even bloggers. We're mostly here to be funny, and if Buzz Bissinger thinks that humor and cruelty are separate concepts, I'd like for him to name one polite (and funny) comedian in the history of the world.

Still, being cruel without being funny is wrong. Unfortunately, Bissinger had a ton of ammunition by just taking a cursory glance at the comments here. Sometimes, we post mean-spirited and quite unfunny garbage. That violates one of the ONLY two rules of Deadspin: do not not be funny. Every time I read through the pending comments of people who are auditioning to become commenters, I am very quick to deny people who are slinging insults without using humor. Why should the existing commenters be allowed to pull that crap? We shouldn't. No, we don't regularly execute commenters around here. But maybe we should stop giving people like Bob Costas the impression that we are cruel and unfunny assholes! I really LIKE Bob Costas! I don't want him to think I'm a dickhead!

Here are my two challenges to Deadspin commenters:

1. Don't be cruel without also being funny.
2. Try being funny without being cruel for just one day.

These commenters, however, don't need to work blue to be funny and thusly earned themselves Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: The Clemens-McCready affair
Jerkwheat: Koby Clemens is sneaking off with Abigail Breslin on the weekends

•Re: Rick Ankiel's super-awesome center field throws
PenskeMaterial: There's a guy on my softball team who can fire a strike from the straightaway center field wall to the plate, every time. But like Ankiel, he does tons and tons of HGH.

•Re: Lenny Dykstra's magazine missteps
Gourmet Spud: Athletes already have their own magazines. The weapons don't load themselves.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on putting images in the comments, after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

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The super awesome Gawker tech folks have been giving us commenters a couple new toys to fool around with over the past few months. First, they gave us the power to embed YouTube clips in our comments. I'm happy to say that the Deadspin commentariat has not abused this privilege! Congratulations, everyone, for not posting anything disturbing or entirely off-topic in the comment section.

The Gawker tech folks then decided to grant us the ability to embed images in comments. What could possibly go wrong? One of our crudest commenters (who actually collected a Commenter of the Fortnight award last week ... what was I thinking?) posted a huge and very nasty image in a comment last week. Don't go looking for it because it's since been purged from the Internets. I'm not 100% sure what it was but it looked very similar to the inside of Katie Couric's colon. Gross. This commenter has since been banned from Deadspin but his contribution lives on, etched into our collective retinas.

Folks, if you are going to post an image in your comment, please make it either (a) relevant or (b) hilarious. Unlike embedded YouTube videos, images require a ton of policing for inappropriateness. YouTube videos are about 99% safe for work; they usually don't contain pornography, obscenity or the Mike Schmidt crying clip (seriously, can anyone find video of this? Email me.) Images, however, can exist on any network location so there is no other source we can rely on to censor clips. Instead, we have to police ourselves and narc out anyone who posts pictures of gaping. Be my little Stasi: if you see something, say something.

These commenters, however, don't need to lean on the crutch of images because they made the Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: Timberwolves' Clever New Ticket Price Policy
Gourmet Spud: Not to be outdone, the Nuggets have announced they will base next year's prices on a multiple of Carmelo Anthony's blood-alcohol level.

•Re: The Pope's Visit to Nationals Park
Balls State Explorer: Another freakin' post about a former Cardinal.

•Re: The Padres-Rockies marathon 22-inning game
RachelRayIsTheDevil: Gargantuan next day peanut dump

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, the quarterly performance of Rejected Commenter Theater, after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

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Every week, tens upon tens of Deadspin readers try out to become full-fledged commenters. If you are lucky enough to become one of the approved, you earn the ability to think up and post hilarious puns about topics such as the hapless Washington Nationals (when will they finally get some hap!?). If you are unlucky enough to miss the cut, you may still win notoriety by getting your audition posted in Rejected Commenter Theater!

Perhaps you remember the last installment of Rejected Commenter Theater in which our regulars were introduced to the now infamous phrase "O AN HE SEXY." If not, let me explain the concept in three simple steps: (1) I read your comments (2) I pick out the worst ones (3) I publicly shame the person who made them. Let's get ready to shame humanity!

Perhaps you recall the Dana Jacobson fiasco from the Mike and Mike roast way back in January. She was suspended from the ESPNs after making those awful remarks about Jesus and Notre Dame and the fat man who coaches them. We received a ton of pending comments attacking Jacobson for making those sacrilegious 'jokes'. Here, one of the angry Jesus folks named SWEATWOMAN gives us the business:

OH I GET IT>>>YOU CAN"T MAKE NAPPY HAIR COMMENTS AGAINST ANOTHER RACE>>THAT ONE WILL GET YOU FIRED>>BUT>>YOU CAN MAKE HATE COMMENTS AGAINST THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE>>AND YOU WILL JUST GET A WEEKS WORTH OF VACATION>>>I GET IT NOW>>>

Obviously, SWEATWOMAN was dictating her comment to a Western Union man who was to send the message via telegram. Those must be 'stops' between her thoughts. We also received exactly one commenter who was defending Dana and her drunken vodka-fueled tirade. Here's Rhino196669:

Get off thr girl's back! Who among us, has never made a Fool of themself, after drinking an ocean of booze? "He who is without Sin, let him cast the first stone"! Cut the girl a break! I'm sure she feels bad enough. Don't kick someone when they're down because, SOMEDAY, YOU may be the one down!

Heck, I should have approved Rhino196669. He has drowned in an ocean of booze and made a fool of himself, so he's obviously one of us. Sorry, bro!

Deadspin celebrated a very special anniversary in January, as it was exactly one year after that awful horse named Barbaro was finally put down. The worldwide web of internetworked computerators have always been a breeding ground for horse-lovers and Barbaro nuts, and Deadspin has not been immune to these crazies. Here's what skw530 spewed for our entertainment:

Obviously, Deadspin users think they are funny. If you call a group of people who have raised almost a million dollars for Laminitis research and horse rescue scary, what do you think of yourselves. Now, go back to posting negativity or photoshopping pictures to make fun of people who accomplish more than you will ever do in your boring little lives.

User rlhaines follows:

you people make me sick , thought of glue? waste of meat? DISGUS TING> what do you people do all day ? think up ways to upset us true animal lovers.?yes barbaro is gone but he waas a horse. a creature of the earth just li9ke you and me. give me and barbaro a break. if you dont like hiom,KEEP YOUR OPINIIONS TO YOURSELF. thank yo

First of all, yes, we DO think we are funny and except for certain comedy pyramids that topple under the weight of extreme punniness, we ARE funny. Secondly, we make fun of dead people all the time (cough cough Bison Dele cough) so I think a silly dead horse is far less offensive. Now go away.

Finally, after the Giants defeated the Patriots in Super Bowl XL-whatever, we got an overflow of audition comments from Giants haters and Patriots haters alike. Most were of the standard, hack "my team is better than your team" variety. We don't like that kind of attitude here. Deadspin is the place where everyone's team is better than your team, especially when one roots for the Arizona Cardinals. I like to channel my inner Woody Allen and use the more self-deprecating humor; this is easy now that I am an Eagles fan. Anyway, back to the Giants-Pats Super Bowl; pending commenter Deadmanringstwice took a different route and ignored the Pats and Giants:

Hey, my name's Jon Benet Rams. I like Budweiser, the St. Louis Rams (duh!) and jokes about murdered 6 year old girls. I'm a class act.

Odd that I didn't approve this guy. I normally love JonBenet Ramsey jokes.

These commenters, however, are mature enough to avoid child-murder humor and instead made the Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: The Ernie Banks statue proofreading error
futuremrsrickankiel: In fairness, Will, if you were engraving the statue, you would have forgotten to close one of the tags at the end and the whole freaking statue would have been a hyperlink to Fire Joe Morgan.

•Re: Andy Roddick's super hot girlfriend
Doyle McPoyle: And I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Brooklyn Decker sounds like one of those ridiculous sex moves, like the Cleveland Steamer, the Dutch Oven, the Boston Massacre, or the Kataroo Kangaroo.

•Re: The Pat Summitt congratulatory post
Doug Llewelyn, Court Reporter: Last time I slept with her I got Aqua Net on my cock.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, about this new "starring" system, after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

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When I took algebra in eighth grade, my teacher had a system in place that ignored the normal 'homework is due every day' system. Instead, he gave us a list of assignments at the beginning of each quarter and told us that we could finish them all at our own pace. Sounds great, right? The only catch was that we'd be graded based on how quickly we finished the assignments in relation to the average student in the class. The current location of the average would be marked on an ordered list of assignments with a star. Basically, we had to either keep up with 'the star' or stay ahead of the 'the star' if we wanted to get an A. This was bullshit. I was a math genius but could not be bothered with actually doing work; therefore, I was getting near-perfect test scores but not getting A's because I was consistently behind the star. I was a victim of a bourgeois grading system and now, instead of researching nuclear physics, I'm writing columns about commenting on an outside-the-mainstream sports website.

'The star' has since made its presence known on Deadspin, and if you've seen any comments by the great commenter TheStarterWife lately, then you have seen 'the star'. Where did this all come from? Well, I have no idea, but I'm sure the rest of the Gawker Media websites are using the stars with fervor. I believe TSW has earned her star from Defamer.com, and for some reason, she is allowed to bring her star with her when she talks about the Steelers on Deadspin or talks about her obsession with folk metal viking bands on Idolator. These other sites are singling out their best commenters, and I don't blame them. After all, these other non-Deadspin websites don't have such a large percentage of commenters who consistently bring the funny.

Here at Deadspin, we are all stars. I've resisted using my power to grant our best commenters with stars because (a) we already know who they are and (b) there are too many to count. I prefer to take an egalitarian approach which gives equal value to every person who is allowed to add something funny onto the blog items that Will posts. Instead of starring commenters, I would rather feature the best comments, which I do every two weeks. After all, even our best commenters sometimes struggle to say something humorous. Have you seen Big Daddy Drew's latest oeuvre? Stinkaroo!

Yes, I did name the top commenters of 2007 a few months ago, but that was only because I forgot to collect the best comments over the previous two weeks and I thought it would be a good gag at the time. Little did I know that it would lead to that Ballhype guy tabulating the +1's. In retrospect, that's a very fair way of determining the best of the best because we can all contribute.

So I leave the choice up to you, Deadspinners. Shall I begin starring whomever I perceive to be our best commenters, or should we continue to let the comments speak for themselves? Or option three: should I just give Supermike a star so we know which comments to ignore?

These comments, however, should not be ignored because they are the Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: Vin Scully Approval Rating
Big Daddy Drew: This rating brought to you by delicious Armour hot dogs!

•Re: Brandon Marshall's McDonald's-related injury
Gourmet Spud: Ouch. That story made me Grimace.

•Re: Brandon Marshall's McDonald's-related injury
Stev D: The hot side stay hot, the cool side stays cool and HOLY GOD MY ARM! DIAL 911!

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, in which last week's comments by Bob Costas are discussed. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

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There's been much uproar and hullabaloo in the sportsblogosphere about Bob Costas' anti-blogger screed in the Miami Herald. Costas is the latest in a line of several old media types who have come out against modern communication technology. Who among us could forget Bill Conlin's pompous and bloviating words against Internet bloggers, er, I mean pamphleteers. Way to stay relevant, Bill. Or who doesn't remember the time Schrutebag instigated a DOS attack on The Big Lead? Sure, anyone who prefers Lost over The Sopranos is a boob but that doesn't mean you're allowed to shut his blog down, Colin. There are two differences here, though: (1) Conlin and Cowherd are attacking bloggers, but Costas is attacking the anonymous commenter and (2) Costas is nearly correct.

Anonymous commenting on newspaper websites is the new Wild West, but instead of six-shooters, the commenters are armed with stupidity. And unfortunately, stupidity is contagious. Unless a forum is moderated, this stupidity is allowed to seep through wires and routers and reach a much larger audience than Steve Johannes Gutenberg intended when he invented movable type. Stupidity plus impassioned fandom will always produce an awful comment. But does any of this matter? Let's take a look. Costas specifically mentions Dan Le Batard's column as a launching point for stupidity:

(Now) that pathetic get-a-life loser can piggyback onto someone who actually has some level of professional accountability and they can be comment No. 17 on Dan Le Batard's column. That, in most cases, grants a forum to somebody who has no particular insight or responsibility.

I've gone and pulled the seventeenth comment from each of Le Batard's last four columns on the Miami Herald website:

• Re: Dwyane Wade - only nine comments
  
• Re: Jason Taylor - "Hey Douglas...you don't have to look cross continent to see children to feel sorry for...there are plenty here in America who need love and support too!"
  
• Re: Fredi Gonzalez - only nine comments
  
• Re: Sean Taylor - "Please re read the article a few times and then comment...At no point does E tard say that Taylor was from the hood. He infers that Taylor had bad people around him at certain times of his life and that its not always easy to cut those people off. Even if it is the best thing to do. Dan isn't Shakespear (sic), so I shouldn't have to provide cliffnotes..."

  Huh? Costas is right: a forum has been granted to people with no insight or responsibility. But what Bob doesn't realize is that nobody is taking these comments seriously except the idiots who are commenting. Yes, I'm taking these out of context, but look, two of the columns couldn't even garner ten comments! Go ahead and click through to read all the comments on the columns; they won't make any sense in context either. This is not a forum upon which any reasonable person in the entire world is basing their opinions. Anonymous Internet commenting is not creating new personalities that people trust; responsible readers expect some sort of body of work before they will consider someone's opinion.

  The one thing that most traditional media companies don't understand is that comment sections need moderation. Deadspin is somewhat moderated; you need to audition to become a full-fledged commenter. If Gawker Media had opened the floodgates when they first put commenting on Deadspin and their other blogs, we would never have been able to create comedy pyramids without a whole lot of noise. Getting a commenter account isn't impossible, but not just anyone can stumble on an blogpost here and immediately 'piggyback' on Will's "level of professional accountability." The Miami Herald is slowly figuring this out. Maybe someday every online news outlet will have moderated comments; until then, I'm happy to stay at Deadspin where we commenters provide responsible insight to important topics every single day.

  These commenters, however, avoided Bob Costas' stink-eye with their Comments of the Fortnight:

  •Re: Cape Cod League's copyright dispute with MLB
  Gourmet Spud: This reminds me of that famous case from the Negro Leagues, Major League Baseball v. Chicago Whites Suck Baseball Club.

  •Re: Eliot Spitzer Night in Georgia
  Suss—: Also, for one night, the team will change its name to the Macon Babies.

  •Re: The aforementioned Costas freakout
  Bob Loblaw: Why does mom's basement always get such a bad rap? Peter King writes his columns from the shitter.

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, we've commissioned Commenting Guru Rob Iracane to write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, in which the Combudman in Chief addresses the Commenartiat and assures us that our threadly union is strong. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

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I come to you today to reassure you about the security of our commentariat. What happened last week was an unfortunate, but still isolated, incident. Rest assured that your thinly veiled biases and jokes about rape are still safe behind the ironclad protection of that clever little play on words you've created as your worktime alter ego. Chickens.

What's that? You have no idea what I'm referring to? Good. Let me explain in the most ambiguous way possible to protect the identities of the innocent:

Let's say that Writer A contributed a column to Deadspin and Commenter B left a comment on said column, to which Writer A took offense. So Writer A contacted the boss of Commenter B, whom we'll call Boss C and complained about Commenter B. So now Commenter B has retreated into the shadows because Boss C is monitoring his Internet usage. Commenter B was a longtime member of the Deadspin community and will be sorely missed. Deadspin Editor W got involved and kindly asked Writer A not to fuck around with his commenters anymore, and then politely asked Combudsman R to write a column about the whole incident, with this vital piece of information: Writer A already knew Commenter B's sekrit identity because they have a history of correspondence outside of Deadspin.

Does that clear it up? No? My point is: nobody has access to your personal information. Neither Will nor Rick nor I can identify you, nor would we if we were privy to your personnel file. As as tipster or commenter, your secret identity is safe so long as you don't share your information with the Deadspin world. So feel free to keep sending anonymous tips to Will and Rick about wacky goings on at ESPN; feel free to keep making rude comments about ugly people. The Deadspin commenting box should be a safe place for those of us who make our full names known and those of us who wish to remain anonymous.

These commenters, however, would shun their anonymity for a day to receive their Comments of the Fortnight trophies:

•Re: Barack Obama striking the Heisman pose
blackheartededitor: Obama looked frantically around the room for a way to cover up his embarrassing boner...

•Re: Bryant McKinnie, escaping on a bus
Doyle McPoyle: Unfortunately B-Mac's troubles were extended when he realized the vehicle he jumped into was actually the BangBus.

•Re: Bill Walton and Will Ferrell play HORSE
Weed Against Speed: Huh. You would think since Walton was involved, they would have played a game of H-Y-P-E-R-B-O-L-E.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on the new YouTube-in-comments feature, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

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Gawker Media pater familias Nick Denton recently had the Gawker Tech folks enable a video-embedding feature in our comment section, and then he blogged about it. It seems as if you can simply copy and paste a YouTube link directly into the comment box and the video clip will show up when your comment is published. What a brilliant application of technology! Videos embedded in comments! This certainly will not lead to absolute anarchy and irritate the combudsman or those readers who share the combudsman's sense of aesthetics!

Believe it or not, your faithful combuddy endorses this practice! There are many hilarious and/or poignant videos on the tubes that would be completely relevant to some of the posts on Deadspin. Sometimes, Will gives us a pertinent clip in the main section of his blogpost, but sometimes, it's up to us as the commenteriat to help him out with an appropriate (or occasionally inappropriate) video. Commenter CardinalRedOctober gives us a good example of proper usage in the Greg Gumbel Media Approval Ratings post, as he directs us to a clip of a sentimental Gumbel tearing up after the final NFC game broadcast by CBS. Gold star!

Still, I urge other commenters to take pause before embedding a YouTube clip in a comment: does this relate at all to the topic? If not, is it at least the funniest video in Deadspin history? If the answer is still no, then please, just make a standard dick joke.

I am glad, however, to let my column today serve as a sort of training ground and rehearsal space for both appropriate and inappropriate uses of this new commenting feature. Consider it a sacrifice. And for those of you who cannot see YouTube videos because of the filtering software at your place of business or education, I still don't care.

I do care deeply, however, for those commenters who provided us with the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: The Pro Bowl fan with a bag of Jello shots
ArkansasFred: Jello shot guy's colostomy bag full of mudslides is even more unsettling.

Re: Spielberg Pulling Out of Olympic Ceremonies
UkraineNotWeak: This is a rarity. A Jew turning down Chinese.

Re: The Disturbing Image of the Thrashers' Mascot
Camp Tiger Claw: This looks like that time I fucked Phyllis Diller.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, about how to appropriately comment on Closers, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

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I had an Abraham Simpson moment recently. I sat down and started writing a letter to Will:

Dear Mr. Editor, There are too many closers nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.

Having three consecutive closers that early in the morning, I thought, led to a general malaise amongst commenters and didn't quite prepare us to be funny for the afternoon onslaught of crazy videos and wacky news stories. Yes, some of us like the NBA and some of us enjoy college basketball and the really insane among us want their own special place to comment about the NHL, but all too often, the discussions become rote "my team is better'n your team" arguments or ridiculous "no love for my favorite team" questions. Before I licked the envelope, however, I paused to think: What if all these closers actually provided us with a chance to be funny and we're just fucking it up?

How can I scientifically check to see if the closers are being funny? I needed to count the jokes, so I sat down and analyzed all three of the major closers (Hirshey and his footie closer got a pass; I couldn't figure out what was a joke and what was a shameless book plug) and found that the joke-per-sentence ratio actually equaled the joke-per-sentence ratio in almost every other Deadspin post over the past three months. They're setting us up with a chance to be funny!

Will only hires the best of the best bloggers to write the daily closers; we've seen a steady rotation of excellent writers telling us what happened last night in the NBA, NHL and college basketball. And soon, Associate Editor Rick will once again grace us with tiger attack references in his MLB closer.

So let's follow their lead and build some comedy pyramids. If the College Basketball Closer makes a joke comparing Eddie Sutton to Count Chocula, then let's hear some jokes comparing Tubby Smith to Boo Berry. We don't need to hear that your favorite cereal is Cinnamon Toast Crunch. That's just a dry, humorless statement unless you add the comedy milk. If the NBA Closer doesn't mention the Memphis-Toronto game, don't tell us the score and express your joy about the Raptors' win. Make up a funny Chris Bosh abuses children joke or something. If the NHL Closer goes past 1500 words ... well ... you're on your own with that one.

I tore up that letter to Will. Was it because I finally appreciated all the humor inside these closers? Maybe. Was it because I trust that our comments will be funny from here on out? Possibly. Was it because I ran out of stamps? Definitely. These folks, however, never run out of postage because their jokes got delivered as the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: Kool Aid sneakers
Suss—: If you ever get in a fistfight with the Kool-Aid man, the best hiding place is to jump inside him.

Re: Larry Johnson's expensive watch
Sh!tshow: "What time is LJ?" "It's Trade Me to a Contender O'Clock."

Re: Committing to the racist stereotype
KarenUhOh: And I just spent twelve dollars learning to walk like an Egyptian.