It's the news you dared not hope was true: Nearly 10 years after it was introduced in San Francisco, the Masturbate-A-Thon is making its triumphant return. To The Netherlands! What took you so long, Dutch people? (Carl Monday dons raincoat, sounds the Action 4 News Team alert). Oh, like you had anything better to do.

Ever wonder what drives crusading field journalist Carl Monday? He didn't just pursue the Mike Cooper library case out of thin air; there had to be an underlying force, some childhood trauma, perhaps, which would cause him in later life to obsess over a perfectly ordinary human function. We wonder what that could…

It was back in August when we brought you the dramatic results of the 2006 Masturbate-A-Thon in London, in which 50 participants raised 500 pounds for charity (chances are you not only remember, but own the home version of the game). Well, British TV filmed a documentary of the event, and Netherlands (Dutch?…

It's something the sight of which caused Mrs. Costanza to stumble and throw out her back, and truthfully, if she had seen this, it would have killed her. The 2006 Masturbate-a-thon is now in the record books, as approximately 50 participants — mostly men, and not including Mike Cooper — "dragged the walrus" for charity…

Right now Carl Monday is snapping down the protective visor on his riot helmet, scrambling into the back of the WKYC Action News van and yelling "Let's roll!" Yes, the big Masturbate-A-Thon is tomorrow,* which, if you live in Europe, still leaves you plenty of time to get to Drop Studios in London for the 2 p.m. tip-off. …

It is at once Carl Monday's worst nightmare, and everyone else's dream come true. On August 5, hundreds of people will gather in a hall in central London to, um, pleasure themselves for charity. We only wish we were kidding about the UK's first "masturbate-a-thon," in which contestants — both men and women — will compete …