Deadspin: competitive wanking

It Is Time, Once Again, To Wank For A Cause

rickchand — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 16:40:08 EST

It's the news you dared not hope was true: Nearly 10 years after it was introduced in San Francisco, the Masturbate-A-Thon is making its triumphant return. To The Netherlands! What took you so long, Dutch people? (Carl Monday dons raincoat, sounds the Action 4 News Team alert). Oh, like you had anything better to do.

Hot on the heels of San Francisco and London, Copenhagen is to host a Masturbate-a-Thon in May which organizers hope will help break lingering taboos about self-love, an organizer said Wednesday. "Masturbation is positive, safe and an erotic alternative," she told AFP ahead of the event on May 31, to take place at a yet-to-be-decided venue with separate rooms for men, women and those who don't mind mingling.

Mind? I insist!

I wonder, are visual aids allowed? "STEPHEN A. SMITH ONLY NEEDS A PHOTO OF HIMSELF TO GET THE JOB DONE! THAT IS SO EROTIC! STEPHEN A. SMITH IS TURNING HIMSELF ON!"

———————————————-
Manually pleasured with my Blackberry Wireless

The Masturbate-A-Thon Is Coming To Copehhagen [Inquirer.Net]

Carl Monday: The Early Years

rickchand — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 12:50:05 EDT

Ever wonder what drives crusading field journalist Carl Monday? He didn't just pursue the Mike Cooper library case out of thin air; there had to be an underlying force, some childhood trauma, perhaps, which would cause him in later life to obsess over a perfectly ordinary human function. We wonder what that could have been? What psychologically tumultuous event from his distant memory served to push him toward investigative reporting in a trenchcoat? Hmmm.

Actually our little film appears to be too recent to be depicting Carl Monday, we think. But a young Sean Salisbury is entirely possible.

Caught In The Act [YouTube, via Noob]
The Carl Monday Saga [Deadspin]

'Competitive Wanking' Tag Makes Triumphant Return, And We Couldn't Be Prouder

rickchand — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 13:30:07 EST

It was back in August when we brought you the dramatic results of the 2006 Masturbate-A-Thon in London, in which 50 participants raised 500 pounds for charity (chances are you not only remember, but own the home version of the game). Well, British TV filmed a documentary of the event, and Netherlands (Dutch? Hollandasie?) TV is about to show it. Making some officials there quite unhappy.

Christian democrat CDA MP Joop Atsma said the programme was "completely absurd" and "tasteless." "I get the impression that Tien in continuously trying to push the boundaries of what is acceptable. If it were possible, I would ban these kinds of programmes," he said.

To recap: Masturbate-A-Thon, Dutch TV, Tien, opposed by a guy named Joop. Thank you for your time.

Tien To Air Controversial Documentary [Expatica]
The Contest Results Are In [Deadspin]
Masterbate-A-Thon 2006

The Contest Results Are In

Rick Chandler — Tue, 08 Aug 2006 13:45:55 EDT

It's something the sight of which caused Mrs. Costanza to stumble and throw out her back, and truthfully, if she had seen this, it would have killed her. The 2006 Masturbate-a-thon is now in the record books, as approximately 50 participants — mostly men, and not including Mike Cooper — "dragged the walrus" for charity on Saturday in London with, um, satisfying results. The winner raised more than 500 pounds for charity, there was one sad, lonely protester — it wasn't Carl Monday — and plans are already being made for next year's event. As for other details, let's go to the Guardian Unlimited:

The participants ... were almost exclusively male, and included gay men, transvestites with body piercings, an artist's model and a porn actress hired by the Daily Sport. They waited patiently on a cramped staircase before being invited up to a photographic studio which had been decorated with Moroccan-style lanterns and cushions, red and gold drapes, ornate mirrors and erotic pictures and statuettes. Lubricants and pornographic magazines were provided, as were bottles of water, boxes of Capri-Sun and packets of Cadburys shortcake biscuits.

Also, there was this:

Participant Neil Crawforth, 28, left his wife at their home in Cambridge while he came to do his thing. 'I'm not a good swimmer and I can't run very far, but this is something I can do for charity,' said the software engineer.

All in all, it was wanking's finest hour. Or, finest three minutes ... whatever the case may be.

Dozens Join Hands-On Event; Only One Debater [Guardian Unlimited]
Gentlemen, Start Your Wanking [Deadspin]

Gentlemen, Start Your Wanking

Rick Chandler — Fri, 04 Aug 2006 13:45:09 EDT

Right now Carl Monday is snapping down the protective visor on his riot helmet, scrambling into the back of the WKYC Action News van and yelling "Let's roll!" Yes, the big Masturbate-A-Thon is tomorrow,* which, if you live in Europe, still leaves you plenty of time to get to Drop Studios in London for the 2 p.m. tip-off. We'd just like to remind all prospective tossers, however, that this is not a free-for-all. There are rules, as listed on the official 2006 Masturbate-A-Thon site:

• 1. No touching other participants.
• 2. NO FAKING ORGASMS! Do not waste our time. If you have an orgasm we are happy for you, but this is not our goal.
• 3. No Drugs or Alcohol, and No Smoking.
• 4. DO NOT Exchange Sex Toys.

By the way, for those too shy to discuss this event in public, we would recommend a trip to the Euphemism Generator. Our favorite so far: "Bludgeoning the witness."

Registration, Official Rules [Masturbate-A-Thon 2006]
Only A Matter Of Time Before This Becomes An Olympic Sport, You Know [Deadspin]
More Tossers On TV [Guardian Unlimited]
Euphemism Generator [Walking Dead.net]

* = Sorry, no "Every day is a Masturbate-a-thon for me" jokes are being accepted at this time.

Only A Matter Of Time Before This Becomes An Olympic Sport, You Know

Rick Chandler — Tue, 18 Jul 2006 15:30:57 EDT

It is at once Carl Monday's worst nightmare, and everyone else's dream come true. On August 5, hundreds of people will gather in a hall in central London to, um, pleasure themselves for charity. We only wish we were kidding about the UK's first "masturbate-a-thon," in which contestants — both men and women — will compete in a series of self-love events to raise money for safe sex groups. We hear you snickering; but as Woody Allen once said on the subject, "Hey, I don't make fun of your hobbies."

Contestants will vie for the world record, which is more than eight hours of, well, you know. From the Guardian Unlimited:

To qualify for the record, the organisers say "at least 55 minutes of every hour shall be spent self-pleasuring by manual or sex toy stimulation" with participants getting just five minutes to "replenish and renew".

It's all part of "Penis Week," as if you didn't know.

And if Monday isn't on a plane to England at this very moment, then he's not the reporter we thought he was. As for Mike Cooper, well, this is tailor-made: Instead of ducking TV cameras in shame, he could be our Takeru Kobayashi, only, you know, with a mustache.

More Tossers On TV [Guardian Unlimited]
One Final Monday-Cooper Explosion: Be Ready [Deadspin]