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Chilean Satire Mag Makes A Funny About Messi Getting Finger Up His Butt

“Get ready, Messi,” Chilean magazine The Clinical writes, riffing on Chile defender Gonzalo Jara’s recent finger-in-the-butthole move, as well as Lionel Messi’s oft-mentioned otherworldly abilities ahead of Saturday’s Chile-Argentina Copa América final. Pretty clever, you guys! »7/02/15 4:32pm7/02/15 4:32pm

Lionel Messi Turns Two Defenders Into Larry And Moe

Look at the image above. It appears to show two well-positioned Paraguayan defenders on the cusp of shepherding the ball away from Lionel Messi. Now, watch the video below, where Messi skips past one, nutmegs the other, and generally jukes them so hard that they crash into each other, left helpless on the grass as… »7/01/15 2:29pm7/01/15 2:29pm

"An Absolute Glitterbomb": Chile Takes Lead On Long-Distance Golazo

Chile launched Estadio Nacional into ecstasy when Edu Vargas landed an unreal screamer to put the host side up 2-1 on Peru just minutes after Gary Medel had equalized for the Peruvians in the Copa America semifinal. As you might expect, it sent beIN announcer Ray Hudson into orgasmic screams. »6/29/15 9:01pm6/29/15 9:01pm

Paraguayan Soccer Player Wins Game On PK, Uncle Dies Of Heart Attack

Paraguay put down Brazil in the Copa America last night, winning on penalties after Derlis Gonzalez equalized on a penalty in the second half and converted the deciding goal in the shootout. Reportedly, in the excitement of watching the winning shot, his 44-year-old uncle died of a heart attack. »6/28/15 12:22pm6/28/15 12:22pm

Neymar Given Two-Match Suspension For Shenanigans After Colombia Loss

Colombia beat Brazil 1-0 last night in the Copa América, Los Cafeteros’ first win over the South American giants since 1991. But instead of the impressiveness of the feat (and Brazil’s continued struggles) taking center stage, the kerfuffle that broke out after the final whistle has overshadowed the game. »6/18/15 4:11pm6/18/15 4:11pm

Neymar, Brazil's Soccer Messiah, Is Somehow Surpassing His Own Hype

A fundamental part of the marvel that is LeBron James is the sheer madness of his journey. Here is a man who was on the cover of national magazines and playing in front of millions on cable TV as a high schooler, who by the time he was eligible to vote was already being hailed as the successor to quite possibly the… »6/15/15 3:53pm6/15/15 3:53pm

Peru And Venezuela Are About To Play For South American Soccer's Consolation Prize

So what if Irina Grandez and Daisy Araujo didn't quite measure up to Larissa Riquelme in the "world will watch my nation's soccer match to see whether I will have to strip naked for them" sweepstakes? Paraguay Cell Phone Girl's nudity will be decided tomorrow. But, Irina and Daisy's heroes on the Peruvian side will… »7/23/11 3:00pm7/23/11 3:00pm

"Hotel Prostitutes" Get Mexican Soccer Players Sent Home From Copa America

The Copa America is about to start, but eight players on the Mexican side are in big trouble. Seems they had a little place in their Quito hotel where they were running some Ecuadorian whores in and out, trying to be responsible. Then, laptops and iPads turned up missing. They got criticized for that, especially… »6/29/11 11:15pm6/29/11 11:15pm